Some thoughts on needs, objectification, and the Magic Genitals Effect

[tacit]

If you venture into the polyamory community for long enough, eventually you will encounter someone who says "Polyamory is good because no one person can meet all of your needs. With poly, I can find different people who meet different needs, and so be happier

Comments

[mellyjc]

Perhaps it's my rationalization talking, but I think there's a fine line between acknowledgment that "I have needs" that I prefer another human fulfill and "my partner is required to meet my needs". Certainly it's easy to fall into the granted-taking of partners that they are frequently there for that. I've actually observed, I think, granted-taking as the desirable piece in a relationship for some, and there was all this offense taken when a request was made. Not that he didn't want to meet the request, just offense that partner felt the need to ask for it

[bminstrel]

I think we also suffer from the bad workman blaming his tools effect. If the relationship didn't work it must be because they were faulty, otherwise we might have to accept some sort of responsibility for it in ourselves and find some way to learn, change and improve. And that's daunting.

Better to buy a new toaster and rant at our friends about how every one of our toasters has burst into the flames if we forget to empty the crumb tray.

[mellyjc]

Yes, it's sad that it seems there's so much shame around not being perfect that to admit any fault at all is impossible. That's the biggest challenge in getting clients to stay in therapy (or not blame and even consider it might help THEM), is their willingness to face the need for change instead of bail and stay miserable.

[davidlnoble]

"... but I think there's a fine line between acknowledgment that 'I have needs' that I prefer another human fulfill and 'my partner is required to meet my needs'."

I don't see it as a fine line, but that's because expectation management and boundaries are a huge focus for me. I agree with you if you are addressing a societal norm, but I think that is an indication of where the problem lies.

I like what you said, and don't actually disagree with what you said, it's just that this ought not be a "fine line". We should be writing it bold and painting it in bright colors so that children understand it, as part of normal social development. I do see this discussed in other contexts but I don't see it discussed within the context of romantic relationships. Who teaches that? Schools? Nope. Parents? Well, ideally. So it's the media.

I guess that means we need Joss Whedon to write more stuff.

[mellyjc]

True.

That's where it falls onto therapists to teach, I guess...unfortunately IF partners seek it out, most of the time it's 'too late'.

But yea I'll listen to the radio and hear all these "romantic" love songs about not being able to live without the other.. apparently romance is synonymous with creepily unhealthy codependence and that's scary. Healthy relationships? Those aren't romantic at ALL according to most social standards..

[tacit]

Perhaps it's my rationalization talking, but I think there's a fine line between acknowledgment that "I have needs" that I prefer another human fulfill and "my partner is required to meet my needs".

I think that's a perfectly valid point, and I think that that fine line actually ought to be made quite explicit.

It is absolutely OK to have needs, and to want your partner to be willing to help meet those needs. The trap, as I see it, is in the expectation that it's your partner's job to meet those needs, which slips very quickly into "if you aren't doing what I need you to do to meet my needs you're not doing your job."

Reasonable, humane people in a relationship ought to be able, I think, to negotiate with their partners to meet tier needs. The expectation that a partner wants what's best for you and for the relationship is a reasonable one; the expectation that your partner ought to be there to service all your needs all the time, on the other hand, is not.

[mellyjc]

Yes. I'm not sure where we slip into thinking that needing another person and having those expectations is "romantic". "I love you so much I can't live without you!"

Being needed may feel more secure, but in reality it's less romantic. There's a lot more ascription of value in being chosen even when you're NOT needed. "I'm a healthy functioning adult on my own...but I really enjoy having you in my life" is less pressuring and more special-making.