(no subject)
Like most people I know, I'm not even the slightest bit interested in the holiday season. I did purchase gifts for B, the kids, and my siblings' families, but I felt like I was on autopilot. I admit my usual thoughtfulness and enthusiasm for selecting great gifts just wasn't there. Part of it is I never even receive so much as an acknowledgment from my siblings if they received them, let alone whether they like them. I've also had too many instances of finding a sweater, still tagged and unworn, in DJ's closet back when we all lived in KC.
Not to mention it's always a dice roll to see if they'll remember H. It's kind of hard to get excited about gift exchanges when your brothers are taking a totally unnecessary stance of not recognizing a child because he doesn't share your DNA. And actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of a dice roll as to whether Ryan will actually participate. For nearly a decade, it's been every excuse from "I left it in the car" to "I forgot" when it comes to the celebrations that involve gift-giving. This might be more understandable, if we didn't share the same birthday because we're twins and Christmas didn't happen once a year. Just admit you didn't get me anything and move on, dude; I'll respect you more.
That's obviously not all of it--the other part is that Martyr declined to organize anything for Christmas this year. No tree, no decorations, no awesome dinner. Because, you know, L is in rehab and Martyr and Mayhem's monthly visitation with L's kids happened last week. So therefore, there is nothing to celebrate. In other words, B and I, and H and Sephie, aren't worth putting on any holiday airs for.
I might not feel so upset about this, if Martyr hadn't canceled her weekly visitation with both kids for three weeks in a row to do things with L. Even B, who rarely takes issue with Martyr's blatant favoritism, confronted her about how she's sending the very loud message that our kids play second fiddle to L's.
It probably won't impact H too much. After all, H is the only grandchild on P's side of the family and P has five siblings, most of whom spoil him rotten. I have no doubt he will have bags and bags of gifts, but more importantly, he'll have people making a big deal about the holiday for him.
Unlike Sephie. She has no grandparents to share the holiday spirit with her (because the ones that are here will be too busy holding L's hand up at rehab and reassuring her that she doesn't REALLY need to be in rehab because everything is her ex-husband's fault) or aunts or uncles that can let her know how special she is. It shouldn't upset me, but it does. I have to wonder if all those years of being the broken, defunct and square peg in the round hole that was my family is rubbing off on my child. I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that she doesn't have any other accessible family.
We'll do what we can here, but we don't even have a tree because there isn't room for one. B doesn't care about Christmas because of all the years the Clan spent in the cult, not allowed to celebrate anything that wasn't part of the tabernacle (whatever THAT means) and his response, if I were to let him know how this is making me feel, would probably be that Sephie is too young to really know what's going on.
Obviously, it's worth pointing out that Martyr not doing anything means I'll get a pass on having to celebrate yet another holiday in P's presence. I guess that's the silver lining in this cloud.
Not to mention it's always a dice roll to see if they'll remember H. It's kind of hard to get excited about gift exchanges when your brothers are taking a totally unnecessary stance of not recognizing a child because he doesn't share your DNA. And actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of a dice roll as to whether Ryan will actually participate. For nearly a decade, it's been every excuse from "I left it in the car" to "I forgot" when it comes to the celebrations that involve gift-giving. This might be more understandable, if we didn't share the same birthday because we're twins and Christmas didn't happen once a year. Just admit you didn't get me anything and move on, dude; I'll respect you more.
That's obviously not all of it--the other part is that Martyr declined to organize anything for Christmas this year. No tree, no decorations, no awesome dinner. Because, you know, L is in rehab and Martyr and Mayhem's monthly visitation with L's kids happened last week. So therefore, there is nothing to celebrate. In other words, B and I, and H and Sephie, aren't worth putting on any holiday airs for.
I might not feel so upset about this, if Martyr hadn't canceled her weekly visitation with both kids for three weeks in a row to do things with L. Even B, who rarely takes issue with Martyr's blatant favoritism, confronted her about how she's sending the very loud message that our kids play second fiddle to L's.
It probably won't impact H too much. After all, H is the only grandchild on P's side of the family and P has five siblings, most of whom spoil him rotten. I have no doubt he will have bags and bags of gifts, but more importantly, he'll have people making a big deal about the holiday for him.
Unlike Sephie. She has no grandparents to share the holiday spirit with her (because the ones that are here will be too busy holding L's hand up at rehab and reassuring her that she doesn't REALLY need to be in rehab because everything is her ex-husband's fault) or aunts or uncles that can let her know how special she is. It shouldn't upset me, but it does. I have to wonder if all those years of being the broken, defunct and square peg in the round hole that was my family is rubbing off on my child. I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that she doesn't have any other accessible family.
We'll do what we can here, but we don't even have a tree because there isn't room for one. B doesn't care about Christmas because of all the years the Clan spent in the cult, not allowed to celebrate anything that wasn't part of the tabernacle (whatever THAT means) and his response, if I were to let him know how this is making me feel, would probably be that Sephie is too young to really know what's going on.
Obviously, it's worth pointing out that Martyr not doing anything means I'll get a pass on having to celebrate yet another holiday in P's presence. I guess that's the silver lining in this cloud.