Comments | tabloidscully: Parenting: Family Therapy Update

tabloidscully

Parenting: Family Therapy Update

Sep 16, 2011 23:46

The biggest thing going on in my life these days is family therapy. Yup, family therapy with me, B, P, and P's boyfriend. The therapist is making every suggestion that I have been making for sometime, and the other key players are finally getting on board ( Read more... )

p, b, therapy sessions, h, thoughts on parenting

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Re: ... tabloidscully September 19 2011, 17:41:23 UTC

I know I'm right. But I would love to be wrong. It sounds weird, but I'm most comfortable when I'm the problem. I guess over the years, I've just learned to view myself as so wrong and damaged and broken, I am honestly concerned when it turns out I'm the voice of reason. That's just not a role I've ever thought I could play.

I think an advantage I do have over B and P is that I am the child of a divorced family. Even though my parents didn't split until I was a teenager, Mom had checked out long before then, so it felt like we were going between two homes just by the chaos, destruction, and drama she introduced to our unit, in contrast to the stability Dad struggled to provide under the same roof.

I like the idea of, as they get older, having discussions about why "No" might not be the correct answer. I want that kind of relationship with both H and Sephie. To this day, my mother stubbornly refuses to acknowledge she has ever been wrong a day in her life (except, of course, in marrying our father; that, she says, she never should have done, making any of her kids who hears that sentence feel like they should apologize for their existence) and I don't want that association.

Good to see you. :)

Re: ... woodscolt September 20 2011, 15:10:42 UTC

nothing like having been there to give you a clue. i seriously think that the single problem most parents have is being able to go from buddy to parent. you have to learn to do it in an instant. if you can then you can be both buddy and parent. i think some people just can't do it. i think some deal by just never being a buddy. thats too bad.

the most effective tool i ever was simply telling them if they yelled... had a tantrum... then what ever they wanted they didn't get was my best tool. works even at 3. 3 year olds often ask for things that are ok... the wrong way... demands... acting out... that reinforces the idea that asking for it by acting out gets you what you want. its noisy to begin with... there is time out involved... :D but ultimately even just ignoring them while they are having a tantrum in front of you works. or just getting up and leaving them while they have the tantrum. put what you are doing on hold. turn on the DVR... parenting is inconvenient a lot of the time. :D

good to see you too.

Re: ... woodscolt September 20 2011, 15:40:21 UTC

oh ya. the end part is of the rick extortion method is that if its something they should have then tell them when they ask in a nice way you'll think about it. once they calm down they always ask nicely. after a couple times you won't have to "inform them" of what they have to do.

when they were older i told them that if they could explain to me why i was wrong or why i should change my mind then i would think about it. no guarantees. intermittent reinforcement is the most effective so caving on a civilize argument is counter productive. but never caving is counter productive too. so when they were younger i'd cave on style points sometimes because they just don't have the same sensibilities.

also if you continue to engage them after they start... won't work. you have to be like a light switch. its starts... you look away... say... "you know you will never get what you want if you have a tantrum."

he should try it if he can't find something that works. 6 weeks and it will have changed things.

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