Vent Post: Family Ties
I just called my dad, because I hadn't talked to him in a few days. Turns out he's currently getting smashed with my brothers. That's great; he doesn't see either of them enough as it is, what with DJ living in Dallas.
But then my twin got on the phone and told me he and his wife had just gotten a dog. You may recall that about a year ago, I considered sending Savannah back to Kansas because B and I were really broke and I knew she needed treatment that I couldn't afford. I called Ryan and asked if I had to bring her back to Kansas, would he be willing to take her?
He said no, despite the fact that the house he just bought had a large dog run. Despite the fact that Savannah, a gift to us on 13th birthday, is supposed to be "his" dog as well, to the extent that whenever we talk he always asks how "his" dog is doing. He said it wouldn't work with his cat, because she hates dogs, and his wife loves the cat so the cat gets to make that determination.
I'm not saying he was required to take her, but as far as I know, the cat is still in the picture. This isn't an example of him trying to be responsive to the needs of his wife and house pet, it's another example of Ryan being a stubborn ass for the sake of screwing over his sister. Except that he didn't screw me as much as he screwed Savannah, you know, "his" dog, but whatever.
I've been sensitive to the power imbalances lately because we're working on it quite a bit in therapy. In my own family of origin, I was definitely what they call the "scapegoat," the person on whom the entire family's dysfunction is blamed. Which might be understandable if I had a drug problem, or blew off my education, or was just a bad kid. But I wasn't. I was an honor roll student who was the co-editor-in-chief of the newspaper and didn't even start having sex or drinking until I was 18.
If anything, I've come to understand the ways that I did act out--cutting, engaging in my eating disorder--were the ways I coped with the dysfunction around me. I was always a sensitive child, and because my mom gunned for me due to the simple fact that I was female, my reactions took on a more pathological angle. I'd also argue that my brother's conversion to fundamentalist Christian was just as radical as self-injury, but I suspect few would agree with me.
Anyway, I'm able to see that same patterns from my childhood repeat in my adult relationships with my siblings. What's sad is how two people as intelligent as my brothers can't connect the dots themselves to avoid repeating the pattern. They don't dispute that our parents hit us, for example, and more often than they should have, yet they deny that they ever crossed the line into abusive and likewise disagree that Mom targeted me.
In other words, they do the double-standards because our parents did. They treat me with contempt in our relationship because that's what they've learned. It goes back to how neither of them made it to my wedding, but also tried to convince me B was a shitbag for not blowing off his first-year law school finals to attend Ryan's wedding. They see no inconsistency in their behaviors.
And the older I get, the more I'm coming to grips with the fact I could still do everything that they wanted, and the pattern would just continue. I could change my political beliefs and religious identity but there would still be something that would encourage the disparity. That's what we grew up with and they don't have the self-awareness to recognize the pattern, let alone change it.
But then my twin got on the phone and told me he and his wife had just gotten a dog. You may recall that about a year ago, I considered sending Savannah back to Kansas because B and I were really broke and I knew she needed treatment that I couldn't afford. I called Ryan and asked if I had to bring her back to Kansas, would he be willing to take her?
He said no, despite the fact that the house he just bought had a large dog run. Despite the fact that Savannah, a gift to us on 13th birthday, is supposed to be "his" dog as well, to the extent that whenever we talk he always asks how "his" dog is doing. He said it wouldn't work with his cat, because she hates dogs, and his wife loves the cat so the cat gets to make that determination.
I'm not saying he was required to take her, but as far as I know, the cat is still in the picture. This isn't an example of him trying to be responsive to the needs of his wife and house pet, it's another example of Ryan being a stubborn ass for the sake of screwing over his sister. Except that he didn't screw me as much as he screwed Savannah, you know, "his" dog, but whatever.
I've been sensitive to the power imbalances lately because we're working on it quite a bit in therapy. In my own family of origin, I was definitely what they call the "scapegoat," the person on whom the entire family's dysfunction is blamed. Which might be understandable if I had a drug problem, or blew off my education, or was just a bad kid. But I wasn't. I was an honor roll student who was the co-editor-in-chief of the newspaper and didn't even start having sex or drinking until I was 18.
If anything, I've come to understand the ways that I did act out--cutting, engaging in my eating disorder--were the ways I coped with the dysfunction around me. I was always a sensitive child, and because my mom gunned for me due to the simple fact that I was female, my reactions took on a more pathological angle. I'd also argue that my brother's conversion to fundamentalist Christian was just as radical as self-injury, but I suspect few would agree with me.
Anyway, I'm able to see that same patterns from my childhood repeat in my adult relationships with my siblings. What's sad is how two people as intelligent as my brothers can't connect the dots themselves to avoid repeating the pattern. They don't dispute that our parents hit us, for example, and more often than they should have, yet they deny that they ever crossed the line into abusive and likewise disagree that Mom targeted me.
In other words, they do the double-standards because our parents did. They treat me with contempt in our relationship because that's what they've learned. It goes back to how neither of them made it to my wedding, but also tried to convince me B was a shitbag for not blowing off his first-year law school finals to attend Ryan's wedding. They see no inconsistency in their behaviors.
And the older I get, the more I'm coming to grips with the fact I could still do everything that they wanted, and the pattern would just continue. I could change my political beliefs and religious identity but there would still be something that would encourage the disparity. That's what we grew up with and they don't have the self-awareness to recognize the pattern, let alone change it.