(no subject)
I'm thinking a lot about stepparenting this week.
B and I had a very long talk last night, sparked by two things. One, P's recent wave of weirdly nice behavior (if you're on my Facebook friends list, you read about her text message wanting us to get Easter pictures of the kids taken together, as well as going to shopping to match their outfits) and two, the fact I'm starting to have both kids more and more often on my own.
This may not sound like much of an issue, but I see H more than either of his biological parent. This used to not bother me, but it does these days because H is just terrible, and I can't really articulate how much of a jerk I feel like when I say that. I'm trying to really and honestly believe that it's just due to all the change in his life recently and will pass as he gets adjusted and grows out of the Terrible Twos. And I hate to admit I dread the temper tantrums, the manipulation (already, he's starting to scream for Daddy when I'm putting him in Time Out) and the constant asking for Mommy, Daddy, Grandma--basically, anybody but me.
In a nutshell, I told B I was getting really frustrated with the arrangement, specifically since it relegates me to having to play the Disciplinarian. More often than not, I watch both B and his mom let H slide with things that they shouldn't. The other day, he started hitting and trying to kick B's mom. I waited a few minutes, but she wasn't stopping him and it was clear he wasn't playing. I finally intervened because if he thinks it's okay to kick Grandma, what's to stop him from kicking Sephie? I told B I'm already at a disadvantage being the stepmother, but he is setting me up for failure by always leaving the discipline up to me.
When talking about it with my friend Z, he suggested I "take a step back." There's an approach in stepparenting that preaches the same philosophy, but it wouldn't really work in my case. Like I said, I see H more often than either of his biological parents, and he's still a toddler. It isn't as simple as saying, "Go to your room, your father will deal with you when he gets home," especially since B doesn't even get home until after H goes to sleep (he's in class from six until nine Monday through Thursday). I have to be involved in ways that I wouldn't need to be even if I did have H on my own, if only he were a bit older.
I'm sure some folks would say that I just need to force B to be home more, but obviously, that isn't an option while he's in school, and school is something he absolutely has to finish. Here's a fact that might surprise you: in order to operate a law office, you have to be an attorney. B's dad isn't getting any younger, and if he were to suddenly die tomorrow, I'm not being facetious when I say the office would stop operating that afternoon. It isn't just me and the kids depending on B to inherit what I jokingly call the empire in the coming year; it's B's entire family as they all have some involvement with the business, and even those that don't are supported by it. In a nutshell, "stepped back" stepparenting wouldn't just not work for me, it's not even remotely an option.
You may remember that when B and I initially moved in together, his mom insisted on having H on Wednesday and Thursday nights because otherwise she would "never see him" and just having him stay with us on Fridays and Saturdays of our weeks. That caused a lot of animosity between us, and between B and I because not surprisingly, B was spending what available time he did have on those two days over at his parent's house with H. He would stay over night just to get up with H in the morning and see him off to school, and while I understood that, I was also very pregnant and tired of sleeping alone. I'm definitely not willing to go back to that arrangement now that Sephie is here, because she needs to see her father, too, and I need to see my husband.
Basically, I'm starting to carry a lot of resentment over it. There isn't really a way to fix it because there is nothing in the immediate future that can be changed, or address the situation in a way that is not inherently unfair to me. Even having B's mom take H Wednesdays and Thursdays wouldn't help because B would insist on sleeping at his parents' at least once a week to spend more time with H, which while I can understand that, would unfairly leave me with no help and no break with Sephie, and I already feel like that's the situation enough four days a week.
It really came to fruition this weekend because I wanted to go to the store on Sunday after we dropped H off with P's parents. I had asked B to take H on Saturday to get a few things and pick out a special book to help extort him into using the potty, but H was so bad it didn't happen. So Sunday it was, but as is his way when he doesn't want to do something, B just kept dragging his feet and puttering around the Internet and his Xbox. I kept waiting for him to at least offer to watch Sephie so I could go, but he didn't. Finally, I said, "You know if we don't go to the store today, it's going to screw me next week, right?"
He acknowledged it, but then we got into a bicker fest over how tired and stressed out we both are all the time. Basically, because he spends all day talking to clients and visiting accident scenes and reading police reports, all he wants to do is escape when he comes home. I, on the other hand, am so cooped up these days I look forward to going to the store with somebody else because it means I'm not having to juggle the kids on my own--so it isn't like I enjoy shopping, because I don't, but what I enjoy less than shopping is shopping for essentials when the store is guaranteed to be packed with other rushed parents and angry kids and I'm rushed with my own angry kids in tow. We saw each other's perspective, but guess who is still going to have to brave the store while juggling two little ones? Certainly not him.
And, at the end of the day, he, at least, gets endless compassion and understanding for everything that's on his plate. He's working full-time, attending law school full-time, balancing a wife and two children. I get it. But in my situation, life is no picnic, either. Staying home with Sephie is nice, but my entire identity has gotten sucked up under the umbrella of being a wife and mother, and I resent the hell out of it. I can't even bring myself to read Feministing or watch Rachel Maddow these days because I am so out of the political loop I spend at least 20 minutes trying to quickly learn the latest topical headlines trying to figure out what they're talking about that's happened. And it's almost like people hear "stay at home" and think that means you sit on the couch watching re-runs of "Desperate Housewives". If only, huh?
And I'm tired, especially as B's mom loads more responsibilities and jobs on my shoulders pertaining to the business while demanding B put in more and more hours at the office--how in the hell can I really maximize our Internet presence, which is going to be so key to developing the business's organic growth, when I'm dealing with an infant from sun-up to sun-down with no help? I'm run down and I could really use a break and I know I'm not going to get one. I was trying to talk to a well-intentioned friend about the loss of myself in the recent months and the absolute fatigue I have from it all, how I'm overwhelmed--and she just didn't get it. She told me it seemed like I was complaining about something I didn't really feel, and I got frustrated that I couldn't seem to communicate that I need help and affirmation, and I'm not receiving either from just about anybody these days. I've lost parts of myself. I have no idea how to make friends anymore. My life has become web programming, diaper washing and breastfeeding with occasional therapy sessions.
To be fair, things are partially amped up because the one social contact I could rely on is gone. Brian and Em broke up. She was the one friend I knew I could at least see every other week, and although the pain of her break-up is hers, I've been upset every day since it happened. This person stood up in my wedding and held my hand as I pushed Sephie from my womb, and although I know our friendship will continue, I'm reminded of just how isolated and very far from home I am.
B and I had a very long talk last night, sparked by two things. One, P's recent wave of weirdly nice behavior (if you're on my Facebook friends list, you read about her text message wanting us to get Easter pictures of the kids taken together, as well as going to shopping to match their outfits) and two, the fact I'm starting to have both kids more and more often on my own.
This may not sound like much of an issue, but I see H more than either of his biological parent. This used to not bother me, but it does these days because H is just terrible, and I can't really articulate how much of a jerk I feel like when I say that. I'm trying to really and honestly believe that it's just due to all the change in his life recently and will pass as he gets adjusted and grows out of the Terrible Twos. And I hate to admit I dread the temper tantrums, the manipulation (already, he's starting to scream for Daddy when I'm putting him in Time Out) and the constant asking for Mommy, Daddy, Grandma--basically, anybody but me.
In a nutshell, I told B I was getting really frustrated with the arrangement, specifically since it relegates me to having to play the Disciplinarian. More often than not, I watch both B and his mom let H slide with things that they shouldn't. The other day, he started hitting and trying to kick B's mom. I waited a few minutes, but she wasn't stopping him and it was clear he wasn't playing. I finally intervened because if he thinks it's okay to kick Grandma, what's to stop him from kicking Sephie? I told B I'm already at a disadvantage being the stepmother, but he is setting me up for failure by always leaving the discipline up to me.
When talking about it with my friend Z, he suggested I "take a step back." There's an approach in stepparenting that preaches the same philosophy, but it wouldn't really work in my case. Like I said, I see H more often than either of his biological parents, and he's still a toddler. It isn't as simple as saying, "Go to your room, your father will deal with you when he gets home," especially since B doesn't even get home until after H goes to sleep (he's in class from six until nine Monday through Thursday). I have to be involved in ways that I wouldn't need to be even if I did have H on my own, if only he were a bit older.
I'm sure some folks would say that I just need to force B to be home more, but obviously, that isn't an option while he's in school, and school is something he absolutely has to finish. Here's a fact that might surprise you: in order to operate a law office, you have to be an attorney. B's dad isn't getting any younger, and if he were to suddenly die tomorrow, I'm not being facetious when I say the office would stop operating that afternoon. It isn't just me and the kids depending on B to inherit what I jokingly call the empire in the coming year; it's B's entire family as they all have some involvement with the business, and even those that don't are supported by it. In a nutshell, "stepped back" stepparenting wouldn't just not work for me, it's not even remotely an option.
You may remember that when B and I initially moved in together, his mom insisted on having H on Wednesday and Thursday nights because otherwise she would "never see him" and just having him stay with us on Fridays and Saturdays of our weeks. That caused a lot of animosity between us, and between B and I because not surprisingly, B was spending what available time he did have on those two days over at his parent's house with H. He would stay over night just to get up with H in the morning and see him off to school, and while I understood that, I was also very pregnant and tired of sleeping alone. I'm definitely not willing to go back to that arrangement now that Sephie is here, because she needs to see her father, too, and I need to see my husband.
Basically, I'm starting to carry a lot of resentment over it. There isn't really a way to fix it because there is nothing in the immediate future that can be changed, or address the situation in a way that is not inherently unfair to me. Even having B's mom take H Wednesdays and Thursdays wouldn't help because B would insist on sleeping at his parents' at least once a week to spend more time with H, which while I can understand that, would unfairly leave me with no help and no break with Sephie, and I already feel like that's the situation enough four days a week.
It really came to fruition this weekend because I wanted to go to the store on Sunday after we dropped H off with P's parents. I had asked B to take H on Saturday to get a few things and pick out a special book to help extort him into using the potty, but H was so bad it didn't happen. So Sunday it was, but as is his way when he doesn't want to do something, B just kept dragging his feet and puttering around the Internet and his Xbox. I kept waiting for him to at least offer to watch Sephie so I could go, but he didn't. Finally, I said, "You know if we don't go to the store today, it's going to screw me next week, right?"
He acknowledged it, but then we got into a bicker fest over how tired and stressed out we both are all the time. Basically, because he spends all day talking to clients and visiting accident scenes and reading police reports, all he wants to do is escape when he comes home. I, on the other hand, am so cooped up these days I look forward to going to the store with somebody else because it means I'm not having to juggle the kids on my own--so it isn't like I enjoy shopping, because I don't, but what I enjoy less than shopping is shopping for essentials when the store is guaranteed to be packed with other rushed parents and angry kids and I'm rushed with my own angry kids in tow. We saw each other's perspective, but guess who is still going to have to brave the store while juggling two little ones? Certainly not him.
And, at the end of the day, he, at least, gets endless compassion and understanding for everything that's on his plate. He's working full-time, attending law school full-time, balancing a wife and two children. I get it. But in my situation, life is no picnic, either. Staying home with Sephie is nice, but my entire identity has gotten sucked up under the umbrella of being a wife and mother, and I resent the hell out of it. I can't even bring myself to read Feministing or watch Rachel Maddow these days because I am so out of the political loop I spend at least 20 minutes trying to quickly learn the latest topical headlines trying to figure out what they're talking about that's happened. And it's almost like people hear "stay at home" and think that means you sit on the couch watching re-runs of "Desperate Housewives". If only, huh?
And I'm tired, especially as B's mom loads more responsibilities and jobs on my shoulders pertaining to the business while demanding B put in more and more hours at the office--how in the hell can I really maximize our Internet presence, which is going to be so key to developing the business's organic growth, when I'm dealing with an infant from sun-up to sun-down with no help? I'm run down and I could really use a break and I know I'm not going to get one. I was trying to talk to a well-intentioned friend about the loss of myself in the recent months and the absolute fatigue I have from it all, how I'm overwhelmed--and she just didn't get it. She told me it seemed like I was complaining about something I didn't really feel, and I got frustrated that I couldn't seem to communicate that I need help and affirmation, and I'm not receiving either from just about anybody these days. I've lost parts of myself. I have no idea how to make friends anymore. My life has become web programming, diaper washing and breastfeeding with occasional therapy sessions.
To be fair, things are partially amped up because the one social contact I could rely on is gone. Brian and Em broke up. She was the one friend I knew I could at least see every other week, and although the pain of her break-up is hers, I've been upset every day since it happened. This person stood up in my wedding and held my hand as I pushed Sephie from my womb, and although I know our friendship will continue, I'm reminded of just how isolated and very far from home I am.