Thank you. You're absolutely right in that I'm not going anywhere, but I do think that's kind of being taken for granted. That's partially my fault--I believe we teach people how to treat us, and from the very beginning of the business of P's pregnancy, I've put up with their crazy nonsense and kept a lid on my own feelings because I didn't want to jeopardize being back together with B.
I also think that P and B need to step forward as well. To their credit, P has been communicating with me more (to kind of creepy lengths...shopping together? really?) and B has been following my lead. Which I appreciate, but I still feel like I'm the main initiator, and that shouldn't be my job. It should be a partnership between the three of us, but right now it isn't. I also know it doesn't help that when B and I are both home with H, I try to over-compensate for the time they miss out on by taking over 100 percent of Sephie's care. B never asked me to do it, it was completely my doing, but I admit I resent that he's never said, "Honey, you obviously need a break. Don't worry, I'll change Sephie after I put H down for his nap. Why don't you start up a movie?" or something.
This kind of issue that we have with H now, where he's howling for anyone and everyone who won't put him in Time Out when he knows he's acting up, is exactly what I want to avoid when he's 12. I watched a close LJ friend of mine recently end her engagement of several years because her now-ex refused to do that very thing with both his son and his ex-wife. She was constantly trying to enforce boundaries and rules, and he never backed her up. And that was a kid who was around six or so when she came into his life.
I guess I kind of thought I would get to just completely bypass that part of being a stepparent because I've been in H's life since before he was born. He told me he hated me last weekend and I'm beginning to believe it. I actually think it's worse to hear it from him than it will to hear it from Sephie because loving Sephie is automatic. I chose to love H and view him as my son and it's a knife in the heart even though he's only two and a half.
Some days, things are just so hard I want to lock myself into a bathroom and cry.
I do understand the bending over backwards thing. I didn't have a P to compete with. It was his lack of commitment and baggage that I had to compete against, but it ended up being the same way. Then when I started standing up for myself, he definitely had an adjustment period. Now we're on equal footing but it didn't happen easily.
He's much too young to do the I hate you thing. They all do it, no matter who is parenting them, but since he shouldn't understand the dynamic yet, he should love you just as much as his other female relatives at all times, and a smart mouth like that is ridiculous. It's a direct result of nobody standing up for you.
When my kids have gone through the I hate you phase, I just told them "Well I looooove you." and I made it a big deal. When Brittany was 7, she told me she wished she was adopted and I told her that she wasn't, but I would have chosen her just like she was if she had been. She was trying to get under my skin and I said it with a very condescending tone but giving her reactions like that were very productive, and didn't give her the chance to tell me later that I reacted any way except with love. Manipulative, I know, but sometimes you have to be.
Believe it or not, I'm constantly looking to you and your entries as kind of a grounding point. From the short time I've known you, I've seen (as much as you can see through someone's LJ, I suppose) you really weather some storms with him that strike pretty close to home. This time two years ago, I remember feeling distinctly that the hurdles with his family would never be overcome. They have, but it took me having B's child and marrying him to do it. I'm not sure I will ever be accepted on my own merits. But seeing you go through what you have gives me hope that even if it doesn't happen, I find the strength to make peace with it.
I know he doesn't understand what "I hate you means," and he probably picked it up from one of P's siblings (she's the middle-child of seven, and so there four younger than her ranging from 11 to 17, ergo plenty of opportunity to throw that line around) but it just felt like the icing on the cake as far as everything goes. Nobody was around when he said it, because it was during one of the days I have him on my own, but it was crushing to hear that.
I like your response to it, though. Is it manipulative, really, when that's how you feel? I mean, I don't have a teenager yet so I may be talking out of my ass, but even when our kids are pissing us off and driving us nuts, don't we still love them? I don't know. Either way, I think I'll try the approach. With H, I just feel like I have to go that extra step because he is going to have everyone from P to society telling him that he matters less to me because he isn't biologically mine, and I refuse to go with that grain.
I guess manipulative was the wrong word to use. It's slightly deceitful, but not. I think you know what I mean. I haven't had coffee. lol
Keep doing what you're doing, and letting him know that you love him as often as possible while continuing to teach him right from wrong. Being fair and balanced and training him to be an adult won't go unnoticed. Someday he's going to have to be out in this big world by himself. Letting him do anything he wants and teaching him that it's okay to be disrespectful or hateful might just be a hassle to them now but when he grows up... well... good thing Dad's an attorney.
Even if a kid with no structure lucks out and figures out how to have morals on their own, there are a lot of other life lessons to learn. When I grew up, I had no idea how to manage a house. I knew how to mop a floor, for instance, but I didn't know how to look at a room and think "Well, this needs to be done." That skill is extremely important for anyone, no matter what they do or don't do for a living. We all have to survive in our space. The reason I didn't learn it was because I lived with my dad and he did everything for me, whether I wanted him to or not. I visited my mom on alternating weekends and she made me do chores there but it wasn't enough.
My kids might think I'm a hardass sometimes but I always do it with love and I know from experience that they will thank me someday.
I also think that P and B need to step forward as well. To their credit, P has been communicating with me more (to kind of creepy lengths...shopping together? really?) and B has been following my lead. Which I appreciate, but I still feel like I'm the main initiator, and that shouldn't be my job. It should be a partnership between the three of us, but right now it isn't. I also know it doesn't help that when B and I are both home with H, I try to over-compensate for the time they miss out on by taking over 100 percent of Sephie's care. B never asked me to do it, it was completely my doing, but I admit I resent that he's never said, "Honey, you obviously need a break. Don't worry, I'll change Sephie after I put H down for his nap. Why don't you start up a movie?" or something.
This kind of issue that we have with H now, where he's howling for anyone and everyone who won't put him in Time Out when he knows he's acting up, is exactly what I want to avoid when he's 12. I watched a close LJ friend of mine recently end her engagement of several years because her now-ex refused to do that very thing with both his son and his ex-wife. She was constantly trying to enforce boundaries and rules, and he never backed her up. And that was a kid who was around six or so when she came into his life.
I guess I kind of thought I would get to just completely bypass that part of being a stepparent because I've been in H's life since before he was born. He told me he hated me last weekend and I'm beginning to believe it. I actually think it's worse to hear it from him than it will to hear it from Sephie because loving Sephie is automatic. I chose to love H and view him as my son and it's a knife in the heart even though he's only two and a half.
Some days, things are just so hard I want to lock myself into a bathroom and cry.
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He's much too young to do the I hate you thing. They all do it, no matter who is parenting them, but since he shouldn't understand the dynamic yet, he should love you just as much as his other female relatives at all times, and a smart mouth like that is ridiculous. It's a direct result of nobody standing up for you.
When my kids have gone through the I hate you phase, I just told them "Well I looooove you." and I made it a big deal. When Brittany was 7, she told me she wished she was adopted and I told her that she wasn't, but I would have chosen her just like she was if she had been. She was trying to get under my skin and I said it with a very condescending tone but giving her reactions like that were very productive, and didn't give her the chance to tell me later that I reacted any way except with love. Manipulative, I know, but sometimes you have to be.
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I know he doesn't understand what "I hate you means," and he probably picked it up from one of P's siblings (she's the middle-child of seven, and so there four younger than her ranging from 11 to 17, ergo plenty of opportunity to throw that line around) but it just felt like the icing on the cake as far as everything goes. Nobody was around when he said it, because it was during one of the days I have him on my own, but it was crushing to hear that.
I like your response to it, though. Is it manipulative, really, when that's how you feel? I mean, I don't have a teenager yet so I may be talking out of my ass, but even when our kids are pissing us off and driving us nuts, don't we still love them? I don't know. Either way, I think I'll try the approach. With H, I just feel like I have to go that extra step because he is going to have everyone from P to society telling him that he matters less to me because he isn't biologically mine, and I refuse to go with that grain.
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I guess manipulative was the wrong word to use. It's slightly deceitful, but not. I think you know what I mean. I haven't had coffee. lol
Keep doing what you're doing, and letting him know that you love him as often as possible while continuing to teach him right from wrong. Being fair and balanced and training him to be an adult won't go unnoticed. Someday he's going to have to be out in this big world by himself. Letting him do anything he wants and teaching him that it's okay to be disrespectful or hateful might just be a hassle to them now but when he grows up... well... good thing Dad's an attorney.
Even if a kid with no structure lucks out and figures out how to have morals on their own, there are a lot of other life lessons to learn. When I grew up, I had no idea how to manage a house. I knew how to mop a floor, for instance, but I didn't know how to look at a room and think "Well, this needs to be done." That skill is extremely important for anyone, no matter what they do or don't do for a living. We all have to survive in our space. The reason I didn't learn it was because I lived with my dad and he did everything for me, whether I wanted him to or not. I visited my mom on alternating weekends and she made me do chores there but it wasn't enough.
My kids might think I'm a hardass sometimes but I always do it with love and I know from experience that they will thank me someday.
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I remember when my cousin was little, and his mom made him mad. he told her "I'm going to run away and never come back for 6 whole years!"
Not only did he get over it and not run away but he's 23 now and she can't get rid of him. LOL
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