Aug 19, 2007 03:02
There is too much happening. Too much on my plate...but I don't know whether to remove some things or to ask for a bigger plate. I have all these goals and dreams and aspirations, and a lot of what's happening in my life right now is working toward one or more of those things. But there are a few things that I'm not sure are helping, hindering or just kind of neutral in relation with them. How do I decide what (if anything) is extractable? Everything on my plate is essentially good. It's not like I am doing anything I hate; so if I find that something really does need to change, it may hurt a little. And not just me. But I want to be sure I choose wisely what I will keep and what I won't. God, give me wisdom and a heart that is willing to do anything you ask of me, no matter how hard it may be. All I want, above all my goals and dreams and aspirations, is to please you. So whatever it takes, show me how I can best do that.
I'm reminded of some Relient K lyrics...
If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found
I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works
I'm so thankful that I have come to recognize this trait in myself -- that I try to ignore my problems out of existence, and that it fails. Because now I can work toward changing that and working through my issues instead of pretending they aren't there. But I'm still not entirely sure where to start. And, presently, it seems that my biggest problem is that I don't know exactly what my problem is. Life is so much better when you are beginning to depend on God, and that is where I am right now. Still trying to get the hang of it, but getting there. So as I am in this place of feeling ultimately at peace in spite of unsureness (because I am confident in God's power of provision), even things that are hard or painful have purpose. And I honestly don't have the desire to be rid of them, because the times when I have grown closest with God have been those times when I can no longer fake it on my own and in all my pain and despair I surrender to him. Plus, I have the ability (sometimes) to see the connections between my pain and blessings; I can find the reason for my suffering, and I can see ahead to when I will be stronger because I endured it. But anyway, all this to say, I feel like something does need to change, but I don't yet know what. It may be that I should cut out something that is causing me pain...but it might also be that there is something that is, in and of itself, good, but not necessarily good for me or for this particular time in my life. So, Lord...which is it? Reveal to me the thing (or things) I ought to change, remove or reorder in my life. Maybe it's just a matter of reevaluating my priorities.
...Maybe I should start by making it a priority to get some sleep tonight.