Fic - Fiori in Acqua
Title: Fiori in acqua
Author: tabbyshhh
Wordcount: 7667
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles, past Jeffrey Dean Morgan/Jensen Ackles, brief mention of past Jared/Sandy
Warnings: RPS, AU, UK spelling and grammar
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: None of this is real.
Summary: Jensen adores Jared. He really does, no matter how much he tries to fight it, his cold, dead heart just melts at the sight of that endless grin directed at him.
Jensen adores Jared. He really does, no matter how much he tries to fight it, his cold, dead heart just melts at the sight of that endless grin directed at him.
They’d met at what Jensen thinks was probably the lowest point in his life ever. It was the first time he’d managed to drag himself out of his apartment to do anything other than work following his break up with Jeff, and he’d only done it then because it was Chris’ birthday and Steve had called him everyday in the run up to remind, and threaten, him.
He’d actually been having a good time, getting pleasantly buzzed and reminding himself why he had the best friends in the world, when Chris had tapped him on the shoulder to introduce him to the new dog handler on the force. Jensen had turned around to be greeted by the most gorgeous man he could ever recall seeing, and it was just his luck that he was still an absolute wreck after Jeff.
Turned out Jared had just broken up with his fiancé, so they had plenty in common straight off the bat, but it had been a slow burner other than that. Jared’s training takes up a lot of his time and Jensen’s been away with work, but they get together when they can.
So when Jensen gets back home from his most recent business trip, his first call, after telling Mike he’s not leaving the State for the next six months and he better give him more local work or he’s going freelance, is to Jared, to get him to come over for dinner.
Jared’s been in Jensen’s apartment approximately (exactly) twice, since they met, because Jensen’s kind of strange about his space.
“You’re sure I can’t help with the dishes?” Jared asks, topping up their wine glasses while Jensen loads the dishwasher.
“No, thanks.” Jensen shakes his head. “Almost done.”
“You like it done a certain way?” Jared half asks half states. He’s smiling but Jensen doesn’t feel like he’s being laughed at so he just nods and watches as Jared’s smile widens. Jensen’s neurotic as hell, but he’s decided it’s not worth bothering to hide it. If all he and Jared are ever going to be is friends, which is what they are aside from all the making out and a few mutually satisfactory hand jobs, then Jared would find out eventually anyway.
Jensen finishes loading the dishes and they move to sit on the sofa. Jared carefully slides a coaster under his wine glass and Jensen sends him a grateful smile.
“How was your trip?” Jared asks. They’d talked about Jared’s work over dinner, he’s finally been paired with his own dog after passing all the required tests and he’s beyond excited. His enthusiasm is contagious, although Jensen’s not really keen on dogs.
“Long.” Jensen sighs. “I told my boss I’m not doing any out of state work for a while.”
“Yeah, he’s been sending you away a lot.”
“It’s not his fault, really.” Jensen admits. “After…” He pauses, reluctant as always to say Jeff’s name. “I didn’t want to be here, everything reminded me of him, so I said I’d take the jobs that were furthest away. We used to split them so we’ll just go back to doing that.”
“You never talk about your job.” Jared points out.
“It’s boring.”
“I don’t even know what you do.”
“I told you.”
“You told me you’re a management consultant. I don’t know what that means.” Jared sends him a cheeky smile and Jensen shakes his head, smiling back helplessly.
“It’s boring.” Jensen repeats, shrugging a little.
“You like it though, right?” Jared asks.
“Yeah.” Jensen admits. “I just…I go into a company and tell them how to run it more efficiently. Sometimes that means telling them to lay off staff, sometimes it means introducing new bonuses and incentives, and just restructuring how they do things.”
“You tidy up their businesses.” Jared grins widely. “Why am I not surprised?”
“I guess.” Jensen’s never thought of it that way before. He likes his job, but he knows it’s not the most interesting conversational topic, especially when he compares it to his friends. Jared’s a dog handler for the NYPD, Chris is a cop, Steve’s a music producer, Jason’s a chef, Daneel and Sophia are models and Jeff…Jeff’s an actor.
“C’mere.” Jared sets his wine down on the coaster and pulls him closer, kissing him softly. “I missed you.”
“Yeah.” Jensen sighs and kisses back.
So Jared’s slipped past all the defences Jensen built so carefully, but he can’t really find it in him to care.
*
“So I hear you had Jared over to your apartment.” Chris gives him an obnoxious grin and Jensen still can’t manage to suppress his smile.
“Yeah. For dinner.” He replies, plucking idly at the strings of his guitar.
“You cover everything in plastic or something?” Chris asks. Jensen ignores him in favour of tuning his baby. “Seriously, man, you haven’t even had me over there in months.” Jensen looks up and catches the worried look in Chris’ eyes.
“That’s because you never use a coaster, no matter how many times I beg.” Jensen grins. “You jealous or something?” He teases.
“Nah, Jenny, doesn’t matter how pretty you are, I prefer my pleasures a little more feminine.” Chris grins, his worry seeming to melt away. “So things are going good with you two, right? Because I was worried…”
“I know you were worried.” Jensen sighs.
“About both of you.” Chris continues. “You’re my boy but Jared’s a friend too and Jeff screwed you over so bad…”
“I know.” Jensen manages a weak smile. Sometimes he’s a little embarrassed by just how much he fell apart when things went South with Jeff, but that’s his own insecurities, nothing to do with Chris who had held him together by sheer force of will.
“And Jared was a mess after Sandy. I just…I don’t want to see you like that again.”
“I’m fine, Chris.” Jensen assures him. “I’m sorry you had to deal with me when I was like that.” Jensen ignores Chris’ irritated sigh. “But things are good with me and Jared. We’re taking things ridiculously slowly, we’re not even fucking.”
“Good.” Chris sits up straight and rubs his hands on his jeans. Chris has been his best friend for over 10 years now, so Jensen recognises that as a sign of nerves and has to wonder what Chris is planning to say next. He puts the guitar down on the floor and waits patiently.
“What is it?” He asks eventually, when Chris just stares at him and chews on his bottom lip.
“I saw Jeff a couple of days ago.” Chris blurts. Jensen wishes his stomach wouldn’t clench like that, it makes him want to throw up.
“Yeah?” He asks, aiming for nonchalance but failing. “He’s back?”
“For a while.” Chris nods, watching Jensen’s expression carefully. “He asked after you, I told him you were out of state for work but you’re doing good. Better. You are doing better, right Jen?” Jensen can hear the unasked question in there, the you don’t want him back right? that Chris will never ask because he might not like the answer. “I didn’t want to tell you but Steve said I had to.”
“You’re so whipped.” Jensen laughs because Steve is the only person capable of bullying Chris into anything.
“Yeah, yeah.” Chris rolls his eyes. “So you’re ok, right? You’re not going to call him or anything?”
“I deleted his number.” Jensen replies. “And before you ask I don’t know it off by heart. And if he calls me I won’t answer. He messed me up, Chris. I’m not going to go back and let him do it all over again. I can’t.” Jensen sighs, hating how shaky his voice sounds. “Bastard.” He spits, finally.
“That’s my boy.” Chris grins and hands him a beer.
*
Jensen feels strangely unsettled after he leaves Chris’ place. He cleans his apartment, does some laundry and goes grocery shopping, but in the back of his mind is the buzzing reality that Jeff is somewhere in the city.
In the end he makes the decision to call Jared.
“Hey!” Jared sounds so pleased to hear from him that Jensen can’t help but grin into the phone.
“Hey.” His own voice is a little more subdued but he knows Jared will be able to hear his smile. “So I know we didn’t have anything planned for tonight, but I thought if you’re not busy, you might want to hang out?”
“Are you being spontaneous?” Jared asks, a teasing note in his voice.
“Maybe a little.” Jensen admits. “You obviously bring out the rebel in me.”
“Obviously.” Jared laughs and Jensen realises he sounds out of breath.
“Are you ok?” Jensen asks.
“Yeah. Just finished working out.”
“Oh.” Jensen can’t help the lust that slips into his voice at the idea of Jared, sweaty and panting, stripping off for a shower.
“You need me to bring anything?” His voice has softened out and Jensen guesses he heard the change in his tone.
“Just yourself.” Jensen replies, before saying goodbye and ending the call.
Jared’s late, but that’s usual for him so Jensen doesn’t freak out.
“Sorry.” Jared greets him with a kiss and a huge smile when he finally arrives. “I totally lost track of time.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Jensen smiles and hands him a beer. He already feels more relaxed now that Jared’s here, Jeff the furthest thing from his mind.
“So, Chris tells me I should be honoured.”
“Huh?” Jensen asks, he’s on his hands and knees setting up guitar hero.
“Getting to come to your apartment twice in a week. You don’t have people over a lot?”
“Not if I can avoid it.” Jensen shrugs. “They all have their own apartments that they can mess up.”
“Yeah.” Jared grins. “You’d have a fit if you saw my apartment. I only really clean when my mom’s coming to visit.”
“I’d probably start cleaning it for you.” Jensen admits with a shrug.
“You clean other people’s places too?”
“Only the ones I like.” Jensen gets a kiss and sits down next to Jared.
“So Chris told me Jeff’s in town.”
“Chris never could keep his mouth shut.” Jensen sighs. “But yeah, he told me too.”
“You ok?” Jared asks, honest concern in his voice.
“I think so. I mean, it’s been a couple of months now and I think…I think I’m moving on.”
“I think you are too.” Jared leans in to kiss him. “You deserve so much better, Jen.”
“Yeah. So everyone keeps telling me.”
“What’s it going to take to get you to believe it?”
“Years of therapy.” Jensen grins, pulling Jared close for another kiss.
“Mmmm, I don’t have the money for that.” Jared smiles, sliding a hand under Jensen’s shirt. “But I guess I can stick around until you figure it out for yourself.”
“That might take a while.”
“I’ve got time.”
*
“He spent the night?” Chris asks, aghast.
“Shut up, Chris.” Steve instructs, shouldering him out of the way. “Jensen’s hardly a blushing virgin.”
“Yeah I know but…he spent the night. At your apartment? Did you change the sheets already?”
“Yes.” Jensen replies, refusing to be embarrassed, he knows Chris is only teasing. “But only because they needed washing, not because Jared slept on them.”
“Did more than sleep.” Chris grins. Steve just shakes his head but Jensen can’t help but smile. Nothing is going to ruin this day for him. “So, is he going to be educated in the ways of Jensen?” Chris asks.
“The ways of Jensen?” Jared asks, appearing out of nowhere. Jensen kind of hates that he does that, but he has lots of good qualities to make up for the flaw.
“Yeah, you know, how to stack the dishwasher, why he has 4 different types of bleach…”
“I’m a quick learner.” Jared grins. “As long as the incentive’s right.
“He’s already better than you.” Jensen retorts. “You don’t seem to understand what a doormat’s for.”
“Maybe you’re just not giving me the right incentive.” Chris leers.
“Aww, sweetheart, all you had to do was ask.” Jensen grins.
“Hey.” Jared interrupts. “Get your own Jensen.”
“This one is mine!” Chris argues.
“So you should have claimed him.”
“Not like I left him wandering around a park or something.” Chris glares. “I introduced you to him at a bar.”
“Exactly, so now I get to keep him.”
“Boys, boys.” Danneel interrupts. “I think Jensen’s perfectly capable of deciding who gets to keep him.” Steve’s choking on his own laughter, and Jensen’s trying not to join in. It’s pretty clear that Jared’s joking but Chris’ possessive streak has always been a mile wide and Jensen doesn’t want him to get mad at Jared for nothing.
“None of you can keep me.” He says. “It’s about time I belonged to myself for a while.”
“Definitely.” Danneel agrees while Steve nods his head. Chris looks pacified but Jared looks confused so Jensen tucks himself up against him, making sure he knows that wasn’t a dig at him.
“What are your plans for the weekend?” Jared asks, while everyone else is busy talking about other things.
“I’ve got to do some laundry.” Jensen shrugs. “Grocery shopping, the gym. Nothing exciting at all. Why?”
“I thought I might take you on a date.” Jared replies nonchalantly, taking a sip of his coffee.
“A date?” Jensen asks.
“Yeah. See, it seems to me like we’ve done this whole thing backwards.” Jared nods.
“Maybe. I guess there’s no point telling you I don’t put out on the first date when I already did put out.” Jensen laughs. “So what’ve we been doing?” He asks.
“Hanging out.” Jared shrugs. “Having fun. But it doesn’t count as a date if all our other friends are there or we’re in your apartment.”
“What about that time in Chris’ apartment?” Jensen mock whispers.
“Hey!” Chris interrupts. Jensen knew he was listening in. “What’ve you been doing in my apartment? No, don’t tell me, that’s disgusting.”
“It is not.” Danneel argues. “Tell me all about it!”
“I’ve never had sex in your apartment.” Chris tells Jensen.
“Only because he hardly ever lets you in there, and you’d be worried he’d hover over you spraying you with disinfectant.” Danneel interjects.
“I’m not that bad.” Jensen pouts. “Tell her.” He nudges Jared.
“He’s not that bad.” Jared says obediently. “Not bad at all.” He adds with a grin. Danneel grins back at him widely while Steve starts laughing again.
“You have to keep this one, Jen. I like him.”
Jensen just smiles. He’s planning to.
*
Their first date is a great success. Or at least Jensen thinks so. Jared takes him to a play and then they go for steak and Jensen can feel his accent slipping in on certain words. Another hazard of being around Jared so much. He hasn’t felt so laid back for a long time.
“You’re not coming in?” Jensen asks when Jared kisses him goodbye at his door.
“On the first date?” Jared mock gasps. Jensen just raises an eyebrow and Jared grins. “I’d love to.” He kisses Jensen again. “But I have to work early tomorrow and if I come in there’s no way I’m going to get enough sleep.”
“I forgot you work shifts.” Jensen sighs, leaning back against the door.
“It’s not so bad.” Jared rests his hands on Jensen’s hips. “At least I’m not on permanent night shifts.”
“Yeah.” Jensen relaxes and lets Jared take charge of the kiss. When Jared finally pulls away it’s pretty obvious he’s reluctant to go.
“Uhh, I wish I had the kind of job where I could call in sick.” Jared sighs. “I really have to go.”
“I’m not stopping you.” Jensen smiles.
“You’re not helping me either, standing there looking like that.”
“This is how I always look.”
“Exactly!” Jared replies, his eyes widening as he throws his hands in the air. “It’s a wonder I get anything done.”
“What exactly do you get done?” Jensen asks.
“You’re mean.” Jared pouts. Then he smiles at Jensen, gives him a kiss and jogs towards the elevator. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He shouts over his shoulder.
“You better.” Jensen sighs, opening his door. He changes out of his clothes into sweats and a t-shirt and empties the dishwasher before noticing that his answering service is blinking. Most of his friends call him on his cell phone, he hopes it’s not Mike calling about work on a Saturday night.
“First message.” The stupid computerised woman says snottily. Jensen kind of hates her. When he and Jeff first broke up and she kept telling him he didn’t have any messages he’d wanted to smash her to pieces with a hammer. Would have if it hadn’t taken him so long to find a phone that he liked.
“Hey, Jenny. How’d the date go?” It’s Chris and he sounds slightly high. “I want all the details. Not the details Danneel would want, y’can keep those to yourself. Just, y’know, where’d he take you, what’d you do, was he a gentleman?” Chris asks. “Call me back, bitch!” Jensen glances at the clock on the mantle. Jared and Chris have the same shift pattern so he decides not to call Chris, instead sending him a text message.
Date went well. Stop calling me bitch. I’ll call you tomorrow after your shift. Jen x
“Second message.”
“Hey, Jen. It’s me.” Jensen turns to stare at the machine. “Just wanted to let you know I’m back in town and to see if maybe you want to meet up for a coffee. Look, I know I hurt you and…And I don’t want to do this on your messaging service. Give me a call, baby. Number’s still the same.”
Jensen sits down on the sofa and closes his eyes tightly against the tears. It’s really not fair that Jeff can do this to him. He’s been doing so well, he’d had such a good night with Jared. He wipes at his eyes angrily, he’s cried too much over Jeff.
“Message deleted.” Jensen starts a little, he’d hardly realised he was hitting the button. The ringing of his cell phone startles him and he grabs it, checking the display screen.
Jared’s smiling face looks out at him and he presses answer immediately.
“Hello?”
“Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m home safe.” Jensen can practically hear Jared’s smile.
“Good.” Jensen smiles, some of the tension leaving his body. “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Damn right.”
“Thanks for tonight, Jay. I had a really good time.” Jensen feels the need to say it, because it’s true and he hadn’t thanked Jared at the door.
“Me too.” Jared replies softly. “So, when can I take you out again?”
“Actually…” Jensen replies. “I thought maybe you could come over here tomorrow, after your shift. I know it doesn’t count as a date if we’re at my apartment but…”
“Oh, no, that’s not how it works.” Jared tuts. Jensen’s not sure what he means. “Now we’ve been on our first date all other meetings count as a date.”
“Really?” Jensen asks with a smile. “It’s a good job I have you to explain the rules to me.”
“Sure is.” Jared laughs. “I’ll be there.” He promises. Unlike Jeff, Jensen knows Jared will always be there when he says he will, even if he is usually a few minutes late.
“Great, I’ll see you tomorrow. Night, Jared.”
“Night, Jen.” Jensen hangs up and sighs a little, before deciding to just go to bed and worry about it all tomorrow. Jeff’s voice keeps floating around in his head.
*
Jensen spends the day as he’d planned. He goes to the gym, picks up his dry cleaning and does his ironing. Then he cleans his windows, which is how Chris finds him when he arrives shortly after 3, still in uniform.
“My neighbours are either going to think I have a criminal habit or a fetish for strippers if you keep showing up here in your uniform.” Jensen sighs.
“If they knew you at all they’d know you only have a fetish for rubber gloves.” Chris nods at the yellow gloves Jensen is wearing. “So you’re having Jared over again?”
“Yeah.” Jensen puts away his cleaning things. Chris had taken off his shoes at the door which is pretty unusual for him. Jensen guesses it means he’s not hiding his agitated state very well. “Do you guys talk about anything other than me?”
“Sweetheart, at the moment the only thing anyone can get Jared to talk about is you.” Chris rolls his eyes but Jensen feels that warmth in the pit of his stomach that he’s beginning to associate with Jared. “He got called out just before his shift was due to end so he might be late.”
“He sent me a text.” Jensen nods. He’s kind of glad that Chris had decided to drop by instead of just waiting for Jensen to call him, and in a way that Jared won’t be there for a while. It gives him chance to explain to Chris without having to worry about Jared’s feelings. He hands Chris a beer and shoos him towards the table. Chris sits down and puts his beer down very deliberately on a coaster.
“What’s going on, Jen? You said the date went well but window cleaning is reserved for special emergencies, right?” Chris quirks an eyebrow and smirks but Jensen can see the worry in his eyes.
“Jeff called last night.”
“Did you pick up?”
“I was out with Jared.” Jensen shakes his head. “He left a message.” He nods towards the phone. “I deleted it.”
“Good.” Chris sighs and drinks some of his beer. “Jesus Christ, I’m going to kill him.”
“What?” Jensen frowns.
“He said he was going to leave you alone. That he was glad you’re doing better.” Chris glares at the table. “He must have heard about Jared.”
“Maybe he just misses me.” Jensen says defensively.
“I don’t doubt that.” Chris gives him an apologetic look. “But it’s his own damn fault, Jen. I just…I can’t see you like that again. I won’t.” Chris pauses to take a breath and Jensen waits. “What’d he say?”
“Not much. Just that he’s back in town. That he knows he hurt me. To give him a call. He called me baby.” Jensen’s had that one word reverberating around in his head since he woke up.
“That bastard.” Chris stands up. “What the hell makes him think he has the right to even show his face after how he treated you?”
“Chris.” Jensen says soothingly. “Sit down and drink your beer.”
“You’re going to call him back.” Chris accuses.
“I’m not.” Jensen replies, surprising even himself because it’s true. He has no intention of calling Jeff back. “I’m not.” Jensen repeats, a little more firmly. Chris nods and sits down. “Look, I’m going to shower before Jared gets here. Drink your beer and calm down, ok? I won’t be long.” Chris swallows some of his beer and nods.
Jensen’s only just reached his bedroom when there’s a knock at the door. He’s trying to decide whether to go and say hi to Jared or just get in the shower when he hears Chris yell something. He reaches the living room just in time to see Chris launch himself at Jeff.
“Chris!” Jensen yells at him but it makes no difference. Chris has been spoiling for a fight with Jeff ever since the break up. They’re fighting in the hallway and Jensen can’t get out of the door to get between them.
“Hey.” Suddenly Jared’s there and Jensen could cry in relief. He manages to get himself between Chris and Jeff, and shoves Chris towards Jensen. “You’re wearing your uniform you idiot.” He reminds Chris. “You want to lose your job? Get back inside.” Chris glares at Jeff but then he does as he’s told.
“I think you need to leave.” Jared says firmly to Jeff.
“Jensen.” Jeff says, taking a step forward. Jared doesn’t move to block him, but he does cross his arms, which is a pretty impressive sight even when he’s not wearing his police uniform.
“Just go, Jeff.” Jensen shakes his head at him. Jeff nods and turns to leave, but not before he sees Jared cup Jensen’s face in his hand and gently ask him if he’s ok. Jensen sees the look of surprise, and a brief flash of pain, cross Jeff’s face. He guesses he hadn’t heard about Jared. Jeff leaves and Jensen turns his full attention to Jared, shaking his head.
“Not really. He called last night and then he showed up here and fought with Chris and I smell like window cleaning solution.” Jensen sighs. Jared smiles at him widely.
“Well, I smell like dog and gun powder. What d’you say we calm Chris down and get him out of here and take a nice long shower?”
“Yes, please.” Jensen lets himself lean on Jared a little longer before he stands up properly and they walk into the apartment.
“Sorry, Jen.” Chris says immediately, his head hanging a little. “I just don’t understand why the arrogant fucker thinks it’s ok for him to show up here like nothing happened.”
“Because he’s selfish.” Jensen shrugs. “He’s always been selfish. He doesn’t think of anyone but himself.”
“He’s such an asshole. I know you loved him, Jen, but seriously.”
“Yeah.” Jensen sighs, rubbing at his face. “You’re right. I loved him. Past tense. I might forgive him for how he treated me, Chris. But I’m not going to give him the chance to do it again. I’m not stupid.”
“I know.” Chris replies. “Except sometimes when it comes to Jeff…you kind of are.” Jensen doesn’t say anything, because it’s true. “I just don’t want to see you messed up like that. I don’t know if I can deal with it again.” Jensen nods, because Chris had put up with a lot of shit from him both before and after the break up.
“You can.” Jared says softly. “Because you’re his best friend. And you’re a damn good one. I know you don’t want him to get hurt, Chris, and believe me, I’m just as unhappy as you at Jeff hanging around again, but Jensen’s a grown man. He can make his own decisions and you have to give him the credit of knowing what’s best for him. Even if you don’t agree with his choices.”
“I agree with the choice he made just now.” Chris looks at Jensen intensely. “I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything, ok?” He shakes Jensen’s shoulder a little and Jensen nods, as always overwhelmingly grateful that he has a friend like Chris. Chris hands him his empty beer bottle. “You can put it in the damn recycling bin yourself.” He grins, before slipping on his shoes and leaving, after a brief grin at Jared.
Jensen sighs and puts the bottle down on the table, on the coaster of course.
“I didn’t…” He pauses and takes a breath. “I didn’t know he was going to come here, you know.” He says carefully. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t use you to try and make him jealous.” He looks up at Jared, surprised to see him smiling.
“I know that.” Jared kisses him softly. “If I thought you were like that I wouldn’t be wasting my time with you.” Jared kisses him again. “Now about that shower…”
*
Jensen can’t really explain why he’s cleaning his kitchen counters at 3 am. He has a gorgeous man in his bed and…the counters aren’t really even that dirty. He puts the cloth away and washes his hands, sitting down at the table and letting his head drop onto his arms.
“I find it hard to believe that’s more comfortable than your bed.” Jared sounds part amused and part concerned, but mostly sleepy.
“Yeah.” Jensen lifts his head and sits back in his chair, watching as Jared takes a seat next to him. He looks almost comical, dressed in nothing but a pair of Jensen’s sweats, which are far too short. Mostly he looks gorgeous.
“Jensen.” Jared frowns and takes his hand gently. Jensen looks down, realising that his hands are pretty red from the scrubbing.
“Should have worn gloves.” He shrugs.
“Should have been sleeping.” Jared replies softly.
“Maybe.” Jensen sighs. “I just…I didn’t used to be this bad, you know?” He smiles wryly at Jared. “I mean, I’ve always been kind of….”
“Neurotic?” Jared offers with a smile. Jensen nods, because it’s nicer than what he was going to say.
“Yeah. I just like things to be done a certain way but…I never used to clean windows obsessively, or scrub counters until my hands were sore.” Jensen frowns at the hand that Jared’s still holding. “Jeff used to laugh at me.” He says softly.
“What?” Jared asks, frowning himself.
“He used to laugh. If I picked up a glass to put a coaster under it, or if he caught me wiping down the cupboards or something. He used to laugh.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think he meant to be mean. My dad laughs at my mom, she’s just as bad as me. Well, not anymore, but how I used to be. He’s always teasing her. Maybe Jeff thought it was the same, but my mom and dad, they’re laughing together. When Jeff laughed, he was laughing at me. I wasn’t laughing at all.” Jensen sighs a little. “And when he used to laugh it made me feel self conscious. Nervous….” He shrugs.
“And when you’re nervous you clean?” Jared nods as though he understands.
“Yeah.” Jensen nods. “Everyone teases me about it, but they don’t mean anything by it. They’re just playing. With Jeff it was…”
“Mean.” Jared says simply. Jensen just shrugs. “It was, Jensen.” Jared’s strokes his hand gently. “I don’t know Jeff, and I didn’t know you when you were with him. But I know that if something I was doing was upsetting my boyfriend I’d do my best to stop.”
“I’m a grown man.” Jensen repeats Jared’s earlier comment. “I shouldn’t be so sensitive.”
“You’re not too sensitive, Jen.” Jared sighs, leaning forward to kiss him. “Like you said, it doesn’t bother you when Chris and the guys tease you because you know they’re only playing. When you love someone, you should support them, help them with things they struggle with, not laugh at them and make them feel bad.”
“You don’t laugh at me.”
“I don’t think it’s funny.” Jared says seriously. “I don’t find it amusing that when you can’t sleep you scrub perfectly clean kitchen counters until your hands hurt. It doesn’t make me laugh that you can’t relax when there’s an empty beer bottle on your kitchen table.” Jensen blushes fiercely, remembering the way he’d practically run out of the bedroom when he’d remembered the abandoned bottle. “Hey.” Jared touches his fingers to Jensen’s chin to make him look at him. “It doesn’t annoy me either.” He assures him. “If me putting a coaster under my drink means you’re not going to spend 30 minutes polishing the table after I’ve gone home, or gone to sleep, then I’m happy to do that. Just maybe next time you wake up and feel unsettled…wake me up too, ok? We can take a shower together and you can scrub my back.”
“Your back’s not dirty.”
“Neither were the counters.” Jared replies, smiling. Jensen can’t help but smile back.
“Sorry.” He sighs, realising what time it is. “You have to work in a couple of hours and I’ve got you out here…”
“It’s not a problem.” Jared promises. “Harley does most of the work anyway.” He grins and Jensen smiles back before yawning. It’s almost 4 and he has to work tomorrow too. “Let’s go back to bed.”
*
Jensen knows something’s amiss when Alona enters his office looking really pissed off. She’s one of the bubbliest people he knows.
“You have a visitor.” She tells him in clipped tones. Jensen’s not sure why she didn’t just use the intercom like she usually would. “I told him you were busy but he insisted I tell you he’s here.”
“He?” Jensen asks, sighing internally.
“Yes he.” Alona practically spits. “I swear to god if you’re getting back together with him I’m quitting.” Jensen doesn’t think it’s an empty promise. He hadn’t been easy to work with after he’d broken up with Jeff. “What happened to Jared?”
“Nothing happened to Jared.” Jensen can’t keep the smile of his face at the mention of his name and Alona’s frame relaxes immediately.
“I’ll send him in.” She says. “But you owe me so big for not throwing the coffee he ordered all over him.”
“You don’t have to make him a coffee.” Jensen sighs. Jeff’s always been pretty demanding, it’s part of being an actor, being used to having his every whim catered for. He does it in such a laid back way that it’s easy to miss the fact that he can be a total lazy jerk.
“I already did.” Alona smiles innocently and Jensen shakes his head in mock disappointment, wondering what she could have put in the coffee that really shouldn’t be there. “He’s been here almost thirty minutes, I told him you were in an important video conference.”
“Send him in.” Jensen sighs with a smile. “And go take your lunch.”
“Yes, sir.” She snaps off a salute and then leaves, her heels clicking on the floor.
Jensen busies himself tidying away the reports he’d been reading.
“Your assistant’s as friendly as ever.” Jeff comments, entering the office without knocking and closing the door behind him.
“That’s because she’s my assistant.” Jensen replies. “Not a barista. You want a coffee while you’re waiting go to Starbucks. I hope you didn’t finish the one she made for you.”
“I’m not stupid.” Jeff shrugs. “I’ve met Alona before.” It’s interesting, to Jensen at least, how many of the people he respects and gets along with really don’t like Jeff very much at all.
“Can I help you with something?” Jensen asks, locking his drawer. He needs to grab some lunch. “I find it hard to believe that you need the services of a management consultant.”
“Jensen.” Jeff sighs.
“What?” Jensen looks up from closing his briefcase. “Did you not get the memo about us breaking up, Jeff? Because I did. Your assistant very thoughtfully sent it with a bunch of flowers. I threw them in the Hudson.”
“I was in Italy.”
“You think that’s an excuse?” Jensen asks incredulously.
“Jen.” Jeff shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry.”
No you’re not. Jensen thinks to himself, but he keeps his mouth closed. A couple of months ago he’d dreamed of Jeff showing up like this. Taking it back, saying it was all just a misunderstanding, that his assistant had been joking and had now been fired or thrown into a volcano or something.
“I just want to explain.” Jeff says.
“Explain?” Jensen asks. “You want to explain to me, why after 6 years together all I deserved from you was a note written by someone else?” He demands. “God, Chris is right. You’re an asshole.”
“Jen…”
“I need to get lunch.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“It wasn’t an invitation.”
“I just want to talk to you.” Jeff gives Jensen a pleading look and Jensen can’t help but frown a little. It’s so hard to tell when Jeff’s being honest and when he’s wearing a mask. Jensen will never date another actor as long as he lives.
“Fine. But after lunch you have to leave. Mike won’t be happy if he finds you here.” Jensen insists. Jeff rolls his eyes at the mention of Jensen’s eccentric boss, but he nods anyway.
“We can go to Calloway’s.” Jeff says as they step out of the door. Calloway’s is to Jensen’s friends what Central Perk was to Chandler and Monica, et al. Jensen shakes his head. “But we always go there.” Jeff protests.
“No we don’t.” Jensen sighs. “I always go there, and you bitch and moan about it. You really want to risk running into Chris or something? I’m pretty sure he’ll find an outstanding warrant and arrest you.” Jeff just sighs and follows Jensen into a nearby restaurant.
They’re seated quickly and Jensen orders a steak sandwich, trying not to roll his eyes when Jeff’s order takes the waiter ages to write down because he insists on adding and removing things. Jensen doesn’t know why he didn’t order something else.
“You wanted to talk.” He says when their drinks have arrived. “So talk.”
“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“You’re about 6 months too late.” Jensen bites out, stirring sugar into his coffee but leaving it black.
“I know that.” Jeff sighs and sits back.
They sit in silence for a few moments. If Jeff’s waiting for Jensen to start talking he’s out of luck.
“I didn’t know what else to do, Jen. Neither of us were happy and I… I didn’t know what to do.”
“You could have told me to my face.” Jensen says quietly.
“No I couldn’t.” Jeff disagrees. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it. The minute I saw you I would have changed my mind. Jesus, Jensen, look at you…”
“Don’t try and make this my fault. I can’t help the way I look.” Jensen says defensively. “This is about you. About that fact that you only ever think about yourself, and about the fact that you didn’t think I deserved even a telephone call. You didn’t even write the note yourself, Jeff. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Is that all you can say?” Jensen asks. “It doesn’t mean much.”
“I know you’re angry.”
“You don’t know anything.” Jensen hisses. Jeff opens his mouth to respond but closes it again when the waiter appears with their food. They eat in silence for a few minutes, Jensen keeps his eyes down because he knows Jeff will be looking all hang dog and apologetic and he’s not going to go down the road of forgiving Jeff just because he looks at him right.
“I missed you.” Jeff says softly, eventually. “I miss you.”
“Yeah?” Jensen asks, shaking his head and wiping his mouth with his napkin. He’s suddenly not hungry anymore and eating steak is making him think of Jared. “What do you miss Jeff?” He looks up and meets Jeff’s eyes. “You miss the yelling and the fighting? You miss laughing at me? Criticising me?”
“We had good times.” Jeff replies.
“Yeah. Maybe.” Jensen doesn’t regret the whole of their 6 year relationship. They just should have ended it much sooner. Before either of them had the chance to be hurt.
“I want you back.”
“I can’t, Jeff. I can’t.” Jensen shakes his head with a small smile, feeling the lump in his throat as he forces back tears. “I don’t trust you not to hurt me again. I deserve better.”
“You do deserve better, Jen. You always did, but I want to try and give you what you deserve.”
“I don’t think you can.”
“What if I said I’d come out? That we could be together properly. Move to LA like we talked about.”
“No, Jeff. Like you talked about. I never wanted to move to LA. That was your dream. I like living in New York. I like my job.” Jensen waits for Jeff to roll his eyes like he used to at the mention of Jensen’s job but he doesn’t. “All of my friends are here. And, you know, maybe you were right. You weren’t ready to come out but I wasn’t ready for you to do that either. I never wanted to be Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s boyfriend and have my picture in magazines. I just wanted to be able to hold your hand on the sidewalk or kiss you goodbye at the airport.” Jensen sighs. “It was never going to happen. And you were right that neither of us was happy. We should have ended it a long time ago. But you knew I wouldn’t end it, and you owed it to me to treat me better than you did.”
“I know that.” Jeff sighs. “You’re saying no?”
“I’m saying no.” Jensen agrees. He sees the shine of tears in Jeff’s eyes and his heart lurches, because he did love him. Once. “Because that’s what’s best for both of us. If you’d showed up a few months ago, hell, maybe a few weeks, the answer would have been different. But it wouldn’t have worked. We were never right for each other.”
“What’s changed in a few weeks?” Jeff asks, but Jensen can tell he’s accepted the answer.
“I met someone.” Jensen replies with a small smile. “And he’s amazing. He’s a good man.” Jeff smiles a little and nods.
“I hope it works out for you, Jen. You deserve to be happy.”
“Everyone deserves to be happy.” Jensen shrugs. “Even you.” He adds with a smile.
“I think most of your friends would disagree.” Jeff sighs. “I just…You know I loved you, right? I didn’t…All those years, I wasn’t just playing a game. I loved you. I think I always will. I just need you to know that.”
“I do, Jeff. You’re not that good an actor.” Jensen smiles when Jeff laughs. “I need to get back to work.”
“Yeah.” Jeff nods. “I need to get back to LA.”
“You’re not staying here?”
“There’s no reason to anymore.” Jeff pays the bill and won’t let Jensen give him any money at all. Jensen agrees, Jeff can afford it.
They head back towards Jensen’s office, Jeff telling Jensen about the new movie he’s about to start working on. As they near Calloway’s there’s a police car outside with a familiar looking dog in the caged back half.
“Oh God.” Jensen sighs just as Chris and Jared walk out of the coffee shop, cups in hand.
“Have you lost your mind?” Chris asks Jensen.
“No.” Jensen sighs, rubbing a hand through his hair tiredly. He didn’t miss the look of hurt that flitted across Jared’s face before he hid it quickly.
“Chris.” Jeff says calmly.
“Jeff.” Chris mocks his tone.
“Jared.” Jensen steps forward. He doesn’t kiss him, because Jared’s in uniform and although his colleague’s know he’s gay it’s not really appropriate. He does link their fingers together though, relieved when Jared lets him. “This is Jeff. Jeff.” Jensen turns to face him, still holding Jared’s hand tightly. “This is Jared. My boyfriend.” He can’t see Jared’s face when he says it but Jared squeezes his hand a little and Jensen relaxes.
“Nice to meet you.” Jeff manages a realistic looking smile and shakes Jared’s hand.
“We need to get back to work.” Chris interrupts.
“Me too.” Jensen sighs. “Come by for dinner tonight?” He asks Jared.
“Sure. I’ll be there by 6.” Jared smiles widely at him, displaying his dimples, and it’s all Jensen can do not to swoon. He releases Jared’s hand and watches him and Chris drive away.
“I should have known you’d go for a man in uniform. You did get a kick out of the fireman’s uniform I had from that movie.” Jeff chuckles. Jensen can’t help but grin. “He seems like a nice kid. And I’m guessing Chris approves?”
“Oh yeah.” Jensen nods. “Chris thinks he’s great.”
“Good. I’m happy for you, Jen. Really. You need anything, you give me a call, ok?” Jeff steps forward and hugs him. Jensen allows it because he’s feeling generous. “I’ll see you around.” Jensen nods and waves as Jeff leaves.
*
“Don’t apologise.” Jared says as soon as he steps into Jensen’s apartment. “I know you didn’t plan to go to lunch with him.” He leans down and kisses Jensen with a smile.
“You’re on time.” Jensen accuses, smiling back.
“I made a special effort.” Jared laughs. “If I have competition…”
“You don’t.” Jensen interrupts immediately. “He’s going back to LA.”
“He wants you back.” Jared says it calmly but Jensen can read the worry in his eyes. Jared’s far too expressive.
“He can’t have me.” Jensen closes in for another kiss. “I’m taken.”
“You sure are.” Jared agrees. “What’s for dinner, I’m starving?”
*
Jeff doesn’t mind flying, it’s the waiting around that he can’t stand. He’s flying first class though, so at least he’s waiting in comfort. Finally they’re called to board and he searches his bag for his boarding pass, almost colliding with a police officer. He notices the dog before he notices the man holding the animal’s leash, a side effect of being away from Bisou so much.
“Hey.” The officer looks surprised to see him.
“Hey.” Jeff forces himself to smile. “Jared, right?”
“Yeah.” Jared smiles back. The dog looks up at its handler and gives a small woof. “Looks like you can go on onboard.” Jared nods towards the gateway. Jeff’s glad he hadn’t packed anything illegal, that would have been embarrassing for both of them.
“Yeah.” Jeff hesitates. “Listen, Jared, just…Jensen’s a good kid.”
“He’s a good man.” Jared corrects.
“Yeah. He is.” Jeff agrees. “Just treat him better than I did. He deserves that.”
“I will.” Jared promises, and for some reason, Jeff believes him. “Listen, man, just give it some time, ok? He just…give it a few months and then give him a call.”
“A call?” Jeff asks, confused.
“Yeah.” Jared smiles at him. “You guys were together for a long time. Just give him some time and there’s no reason you can’t be friends.”
“Jensen was right about you.” Jeff replies. “You are a better man than me.”
Notes - Title is Italian for Flowers on the water in reference to what Jensen did with the flowers Jeff sent to break up with him.