I'm getting better at this glass half full thing...
I haven't written in almost a month which is weird. It always makes me a little nervous when I dont write for that long, because it's usually a sign that I'm not addressing the shit that's happening in my mind. When I need to vent, I write. And considering the place I'm in right now in my life, you'd think I'd have a desperate need to vent.
But I don't.
Before the spring semester of 2006, my mom threatened me. She told me that if I didn't do what I needed to do to keep my grades up and get my scholarship, then I would not be returning to school in the fall, because she would not sign loans to support my academic mediocrity. Thinking back on it now, I don't think I really believed her. I proceeded to blow my life out of the water for the 5 months after that...and here I am. Home in Plymouth, and working full time to pay for my own education. I'm taking classes at Quincy and fighting with my mom daily about the same shit I've been fighting about for the past 5 years.
I'm not depressed. I don't feel hopeless or wronged by my unfair parents. When January finally rolls around, by hell or high water I will be there back on Merrimack campus. Till then, it's all up to me.
It's a good feeling. By the end of last semester I was in a full on depression. No I didn't start wearing all black or stop putting on make up, or even stop hanging out with my friends. But I had given up on myself. I slept through my classes, and I cried a lot. I lied to my mom abou the things I was doing. My life had spun out of control and I knew there was no turning back, and the future looked so grim that I lived each of my days literally minute by minute because anything further than that meant I would have to face the reality of what I had done.
Now, everything is in my hands. I've been making so much money, and saving it like crazy. My jobs are steady and Ive made new friends. I have such an improved work ethic. I'm doing well in my classes and rediscovered my love for perfectionism rather than procrastination. I'm going up to Merrimack on Wednesday to speak to the freshman for a program that emphasizes the hardships that students face in their first year of college. I'm still involved in my campus, and still keeping touch with my best friends there. My sister and I have been getting along really well.
So no, I'm not at my beautiful private $37,000 a year campus living it up with the class of 09...right now. But in 4 months when I am, I will be there because I cared enough to make sure I got myself back there. And I will have 9 credits to transfer over, and money in bank account , and most of all, I will have confidence and pride in myself for having done it. Maybe I needed this kick in the ass to really and truly get me going in the right direction...
No I definately needed this. As hard as it is to admit, I was out of control. And as much as it sucks to be here in Plymouth when I really just want to be in North Andover, it's an amazing feeling to know that noone can say I don't have the will power or the ambition to get back there. SOmetimes it's lonely and frustrating. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll lose "my place" at merrimack with my friends. Then I think about it and I realize that I'm Tanya Ray Fox, and if anyone can jump right back in and make it work, I can. I mean, social interaction has never been a problem for me, and it never will. And I'm a good friend, and things will be like I never left.
So, I'm doing okay. I'm hanging in there. It's interesting and different and scary sometimes. But not nearly as scary as having no future or no control or no idea what I want. I'm lucky. Really lucky. :o)
*Tanya Ray
But I don't.
Before the spring semester of 2006, my mom threatened me. She told me that if I didn't do what I needed to do to keep my grades up and get my scholarship, then I would not be returning to school in the fall, because she would not sign loans to support my academic mediocrity. Thinking back on it now, I don't think I really believed her. I proceeded to blow my life out of the water for the 5 months after that...and here I am. Home in Plymouth, and working full time to pay for my own education. I'm taking classes at Quincy and fighting with my mom daily about the same shit I've been fighting about for the past 5 years.
I'm not depressed. I don't feel hopeless or wronged by my unfair parents. When January finally rolls around, by hell or high water I will be there back on Merrimack campus. Till then, it's all up to me.
It's a good feeling. By the end of last semester I was in a full on depression. No I didn't start wearing all black or stop putting on make up, or even stop hanging out with my friends. But I had given up on myself. I slept through my classes, and I cried a lot. I lied to my mom abou the things I was doing. My life had spun out of control and I knew there was no turning back, and the future looked so grim that I lived each of my days literally minute by minute because anything further than that meant I would have to face the reality of what I had done.
Now, everything is in my hands. I've been making so much money, and saving it like crazy. My jobs are steady and Ive made new friends. I have such an improved work ethic. I'm doing well in my classes and rediscovered my love for perfectionism rather than procrastination. I'm going up to Merrimack on Wednesday to speak to the freshman for a program that emphasizes the hardships that students face in their first year of college. I'm still involved in my campus, and still keeping touch with my best friends there. My sister and I have been getting along really well.
So no, I'm not at my beautiful private $37,000 a year campus living it up with the class of 09...right now. But in 4 months when I am, I will be there because I cared enough to make sure I got myself back there. And I will have 9 credits to transfer over, and money in bank account , and most of all, I will have confidence and pride in myself for having done it. Maybe I needed this kick in the ass to really and truly get me going in the right direction...
No I definately needed this. As hard as it is to admit, I was out of control. And as much as it sucks to be here in Plymouth when I really just want to be in North Andover, it's an amazing feeling to know that noone can say I don't have the will power or the ambition to get back there. SOmetimes it's lonely and frustrating. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll lose "my place" at merrimack with my friends. Then I think about it and I realize that I'm Tanya Ray Fox, and if anyone can jump right back in and make it work, I can. I mean, social interaction has never been a problem for me, and it never will. And I'm a good friend, and things will be like I never left.
So, I'm doing okay. I'm hanging in there. It's interesting and different and scary sometimes. But not nearly as scary as having no future or no control or no idea what I want. I'm lucky. Really lucky. :o)
*Tanya Ray