Lightbulb moment

Sep 13, 2006 18:56

I'm reading the book, Emotional Alchemy and that paired with my lovely diagram drawn up by my therapist has been sending me into worlds of thinking, pondering and questioning. I think I know the basis of my schemas and where they came from, grew and are now triggered by those in my life (both good and bad). I can now pinpoint the day I felt different - the day I was told I was adopted. Suddenly, I was no longer living oblivious to how families were made and how families love one another. I knew from that day on, my life existed because of special circumstances. Circumstances which could have gone either way for me. The relationships I had known to trust and just "be there" were now viewed as conditional. It wasn't just there anymore unconditionaly like everyone else gets to claim. There was a chance I could be "unloveable" (my primary schema) and therefore, I had to work at maintaining those around me....hence my perfectionist schema. To be perfect, means you'll want me. What a vicious circle I have gotten myself in.

I can't stop analysing this very moment. I suppose I had choices, but being seven years old also meant I was naive to think in such a way. It made sense to me at the time....not like I knew otherwise. I have been denying this effected me out of guilt in blaming my parents - which I'M NOT. I can't be truthful with this feeling without my parents feeling bad and that tears me up. Having feelings like this also makes me the not-so-perfect-and-appreciative daughter. Silly fears I suppose.

I want to talk about this and be understood. I know I don't always make sense when discovering all of this. Meh

life in general, adoption

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