(no subject)
i'm so scared right now. i've stacked up so many bad decisions and question if i have the strength left to clean up the mess. panic attacks are my life now. i live in a constant state of panic and fear because i'm so afraid of staying with you, but i'm also afraid of losing you. i'm afraid of the debt i've piled up and the commitments i've made. i'm scared i'm going to lose my job because i'm so panicked all the time that it's hard to face up to going to work. here i am again, just days before what's supposed to be a fun trip for us, certain that i've brought it all crashing down.
i feel like i've failed you, that i should be able to just be strong and do whatever it takes to keep us together because i love you so much. i don't know how to make you understand that this isn't because you're sick. i started this off for the wrong reasons ("this" being living with you). i wanted to move in with you because i was afraid you wouldn't want to keep up our relationship as it was. it was great for me because there was just enough distance that i still felt free, and that was combined with the trust that we grew into, that we only had eyes for each other and that was that, even when left unsaid.
but an irrational fear came over me one day, an insecurity that i hadn't experienced in a long time. i realized that i was afraid to lose you and thought i could make that go away if i really affirmed my commitment to you by taking it to the next level and asking that we live together and really be partners in life.
i noticed after a short time that we had different priorities when it came to keeping house. i figured that we would each give a little and compromise could be found, and it didn't really matter that much since it felt so good to be wrapped in your arms and know that i could always rely on that. i had lots of energy and didn't mind cooking and cleaning anyway.
i had just finished school and started a new job in a field where i thought i would find acceptance when it came to my appearance and personality. this turned out to be completely wrong and working in the beauty industry actually shattered my confidence in myself and my ability to do things well. my first job really made me question my competence. i was really proud of myself for sticking with school and not running away and quitting, only to find that once i graduated i had learned nothing and was really terrible at my chosen position. so this is probably where the old me started to die and fear and doubt started to take over.
i had never really had to deal with fear and anxiety at this level before, and i was starting to realize that you were dealing with a larger amount of fear and anxiety than i was.
when we moved into sierra ridge, i was starting to realize how much time i had wasted buying band shirts and going to concerts and believing that this would make me into a musician. i overshifted my priorities to studying, which changed the dynamic of our existence together. before we spent all of our time in each other's arms; during this period i needed to spend much more time in my head and that was a shock to you. we fought about it and i felt like i couldn't get you to understand me. this was also a time when i realized that we were living far outside of our means and was the start of my incessant worry about money.
aside from that we still had a good relationship and i recognized that. we had a good time together and with our friends, tried lots of different foods and gained some weight, and were overall pretty happy.
my insomnia started to get worse at sierra ridge. i got a new job that was supposed to teach me more about my trade and help me build clientele. it did, a little, but what i remember the most about that job was the realization that clients and owners in the salon industry don't much care for men with feminine characteristics. i felt rejected and ostracized every day and this really wore away at my already waning confidence. the nail that stuck out was getting hammered in, and i really started to feel apathetic about my appearance. makeup and nails were no longer fun for me at this point.
this is about the time where i started to have the cyclical thoughts. the first one that really wouldn't leave me alone was "what are you doing? you need to study, you need to be something, be somebody, and your relationship and living situation isn't helping. sell everything and leave, start over."
but then i would look at you and think about how much i love you, and how much you love me, and think that i couldn't do that to you. even if it made me a little unhappy, i would keep my thoughts to myself and keep the peace with you as best i could.
i felt like with all of the crap you were going through with your jobs, crazy supervisors, anxiety, fear, and all the trauma that you experienced up until we moved in together, the last thing you needed was for me to tell you how hard it was getting for me, or to ask for help when i felt overwhelmed. when i did, you would often cry or scream at me which made me even more afraid.
so i just kept it in and hoped things would get better, until one day i broke.
speaking of break, you just shut my door on your way out and the corn goddess fell off my altar and broke.
fucking symbolism.
i feel like i've failed you, that i should be able to just be strong and do whatever it takes to keep us together because i love you so much. i don't know how to make you understand that this isn't because you're sick. i started this off for the wrong reasons ("this" being living with you). i wanted to move in with you because i was afraid you wouldn't want to keep up our relationship as it was. it was great for me because there was just enough distance that i still felt free, and that was combined with the trust that we grew into, that we only had eyes for each other and that was that, even when left unsaid.
but an irrational fear came over me one day, an insecurity that i hadn't experienced in a long time. i realized that i was afraid to lose you and thought i could make that go away if i really affirmed my commitment to you by taking it to the next level and asking that we live together and really be partners in life.
i noticed after a short time that we had different priorities when it came to keeping house. i figured that we would each give a little and compromise could be found, and it didn't really matter that much since it felt so good to be wrapped in your arms and know that i could always rely on that. i had lots of energy and didn't mind cooking and cleaning anyway.
i had just finished school and started a new job in a field where i thought i would find acceptance when it came to my appearance and personality. this turned out to be completely wrong and working in the beauty industry actually shattered my confidence in myself and my ability to do things well. my first job really made me question my competence. i was really proud of myself for sticking with school and not running away and quitting, only to find that once i graduated i had learned nothing and was really terrible at my chosen position. so this is probably where the old me started to die and fear and doubt started to take over.
i had never really had to deal with fear and anxiety at this level before, and i was starting to realize that you were dealing with a larger amount of fear and anxiety than i was.
when we moved into sierra ridge, i was starting to realize how much time i had wasted buying band shirts and going to concerts and believing that this would make me into a musician. i overshifted my priorities to studying, which changed the dynamic of our existence together. before we spent all of our time in each other's arms; during this period i needed to spend much more time in my head and that was a shock to you. we fought about it and i felt like i couldn't get you to understand me. this was also a time when i realized that we were living far outside of our means and was the start of my incessant worry about money.
aside from that we still had a good relationship and i recognized that. we had a good time together and with our friends, tried lots of different foods and gained some weight, and were overall pretty happy.
my insomnia started to get worse at sierra ridge. i got a new job that was supposed to teach me more about my trade and help me build clientele. it did, a little, but what i remember the most about that job was the realization that clients and owners in the salon industry don't much care for men with feminine characteristics. i felt rejected and ostracized every day and this really wore away at my already waning confidence. the nail that stuck out was getting hammered in, and i really started to feel apathetic about my appearance. makeup and nails were no longer fun for me at this point.
this is about the time where i started to have the cyclical thoughts. the first one that really wouldn't leave me alone was "what are you doing? you need to study, you need to be something, be somebody, and your relationship and living situation isn't helping. sell everything and leave, start over."
but then i would look at you and think about how much i love you, and how much you love me, and think that i couldn't do that to you. even if it made me a little unhappy, i would keep my thoughts to myself and keep the peace with you as best i could.
i felt like with all of the crap you were going through with your jobs, crazy supervisors, anxiety, fear, and all the trauma that you experienced up until we moved in together, the last thing you needed was for me to tell you how hard it was getting for me, or to ask for help when i felt overwhelmed. when i did, you would often cry or scream at me which made me even more afraid.
so i just kept it in and hoped things would get better, until one day i broke.
speaking of break, you just shut my door on your way out and the corn goddess fell off my altar and broke.
fucking symbolism.