of wounds and weakness
why am i crying? why am i shaking?
i'm crying for loss, for shame and pain.
for jealousy, bitterness and fear.
for stupidity, honesty, ambition and distraction.
for age and experience, and how little it prepared me.
for thinking i could ever bear a life without you.
for beauty and love and fear of the unknown.
for the part of me that died.
i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i feel like a fool for hanging on to the same dream that put me into a dead end and nearly killed me. i'm so afraid, not just of being alone, but of being without the only real love i've known. i'm ashamed at the prideful and arrogant way i kept it at arm's length for so long, and how afraid i am of ruining it.
all of my confidence and faith is lost. i don't know how to mend this and regain strength. this has shown me that i was never strong to begin with, just extremely stubborn and good at keeping quiet.
now that i need your love and comfort more than ever, it is withdrawn to a safe distance, finally stepping back from my insistent push away. and that makes me realize that i can't stand up without that support. i've fallen over without it and it hurts very, very badly.
you saved me from my dead end, from living and dying alone. my only hope right now is that what i have left to offer you is enough to deserve and keep your love.
i need you so much right now. i hope so much that you can forgive me, and that i can feel worthy of your love and forgiveness.
i'm crying for loss, for shame and pain.
for jealousy, bitterness and fear.
for stupidity, honesty, ambition and distraction.
for age and experience, and how little it prepared me.
for thinking i could ever bear a life without you.
for beauty and love and fear of the unknown.
for the part of me that died.
i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i feel like a fool for hanging on to the same dream that put me into a dead end and nearly killed me. i'm so afraid, not just of being alone, but of being without the only real love i've known. i'm ashamed at the prideful and arrogant way i kept it at arm's length for so long, and how afraid i am of ruining it.
all of my confidence and faith is lost. i don't know how to mend this and regain strength. this has shown me that i was never strong to begin with, just extremely stubborn and good at keeping quiet.
now that i need your love and comfort more than ever, it is withdrawn to a safe distance, finally stepping back from my insistent push away. and that makes me realize that i can't stand up without that support. i've fallen over without it and it hurts very, very badly.
you saved me from my dead end, from living and dying alone. my only hope right now is that what i have left to offer you is enough to deserve and keep your love.
i need you so much right now. i hope so much that you can forgive me, and that i can feel worthy of your love and forgiveness.