Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 12
Contrived coincidences, improbable costumes and offensive stereotypes. It's been a while, but welcome back to Hogwarts Exposed.
“I’m okay, at least thus far,” Emily exclaimed, “but don’t worry about me. Look at the American team.”
“What about the American team?” Kim turned her attention to the advancing group. “Oh my god, they all look like they’re parading about in their underwear,” Kim exclaimed aghast. “Plus, their robes look more like capes. Are they all dressed to look like Superman and Wonder Woman for Halloween?”
Almost all of the description of their outfits comes from dialogue. It's like the author thought he was writing a radio script. The Superman and Wonder Woman references aren't as out-of-place as they seem at first glance, since Kim is Muggle-born and Emily grew up in a Muggle neighbourhood.
“Their attire is outlandish,” Emily agreed, “but that’s not what I’m referring to. Look at the boy in the last pairing; the one walking beside the nice-looking blonde.”
We've gone from ITWATN, whose author abuses commas, to Hogwarts Exposed, whose author abuses semicolons.
Kim looked in the direction Emily had indicated and then froze. The boy and girl appeared to be very embarrassed by their garb, but at the same time were talking and pointing animatedly at the castle, obviously extremely impressed with Hogwarts. Kim immediately recognized the boy; they had become good friends on the cruise.
“It’s Brian,” Kim said in a stunned voice, as the American group passed. “He’s a wizard!”
Now who didn't see this coming a mile off? Who thought Kim's amazing new love interest would just vanish into thin air and never be heard from again, even if he wasn't dropping megaton-size hints every few seconds that he might be familiar with the wizarding world? Especially with him being American and Hogwarts just happening to play host to a whole bunch of Americans this year?
Kim and Emily filed back up the steps with the other Hogwarts students and then, for Emily’s sake, made a hurried pit stop in the nearest girls’ bathroom before entering the Great Hall and sitting down for the Halloween Feast.
Well, there goes last chapter's recycled cliffhanger. As ever I'm left wondering how "can they get to the toilet in time?" is a high-stakes conflict in any world, let alone one where Evanesco and Scourgify exist, but whatever.
“Why is Filch adding three chairs to the staff table?” Kim wondered aloud.
“Not sure,” answered Emily. “One might be for that paunchy person that accompanied the American team. I can’t imagine whom the other two are for.”
Do you suppose that maybe there might be other adult guests, who'd naturally sit at the staff table? So much for that vaunted IQ.
Once the students had all settled down at the House tables, the staff entered and filled the top table. Kim’s question concerning the extra chairs was soon answered. Snape entered follow by Percy Weasley, the American chaperone and …a third person that appeared to be neither a man nor a woman.
Oh, joy of motherfucking joys, we're going to have a load of those jokes, aren't we?
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests,” said Snape. “I hope your stay with us will be most enjoyable. The contest will officially open at the end of tonight’s feast. Now, please, eat, drink, and make yourselves comfortable”
“I wonder how far we’re allowed to go in regards to making ourselves comfortable?” Emily asked with a laugh.
“Not as far as you’d like,” Kim said as the plates in front of them filled with food.
Just in case you forgot they were meant to be nudists. Kim stole my line.
The house elves in the kitchen had once again outdone themselves; there was a much larger than normal variety of dishes to select from.
“I can’t get over the fact that Brian is a wizard,” Kim exclaimed.
She can't get over this blatantly foreshadowed fact so badly that she can exclaim without an exclamation mark.
“I can’t get over the getup that he and the others are wearing,” Emily said. “That can’t possibly be their school uniform.
Wait, since when did they have school uniforms in Hogwarts Exposed? Even when they're not doing what Hogwarts Exposed characters do, they still seem to be wearing Muggle outfits.
It must be a special costume for the events, but who would pick such awful outfits?”
“Maybe that person sitting to the left of Professor Snape,” Kim suggested. “Is that a very feminine man or an extremely homely woman?”
Emily shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure which would be worse.”
Why the fuck would either be bad, you judgemental wankstain? You don't even know this person! I "love" how the ambiguously-gendered guy is automatically the prime suspect for dressing kids in skimpy outfits, even before he was revealed to be responsible. Really shows the level we're operating on here: if the tone of this fic was lowered any further, it'd destabilise the Earth's core.
“What qualities do you imagine the goblet will be looking for?” Caitlin asked. “I would imagine that seventh years would have a much better chance of being selected.”
“Not necessarily,” Jamie said. “A team needs members with varying talents and abilities.”
The Hogwarts team could be Jamie on her own.
Finally the golden plates returned to their original spotless state and Snape stood up. Tension seemed to fill the hall. “The time has come to select the Hogwarts team, but before we do, a few introductions and some explanations are in order,” said the Headmaster.
“Let me introduce our guests seated at the staff table: Mr. Percy Weasley, interim Minister of Magic” - there was polite applause - “Mr. Bud Ryan, coach for the American team” - again a polite response - “and Mr. Rishard Simone, Facilitator of Games from the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports.”
“Does that answer your question?” Emily whispered to Kim. “It’s a guy. A very short guy with a dyed blonde, curly Afro, fake bronze tan, tight short shorts and shaved legs.”
Like the outfits, he's only been described in dialogue. Now apparently he's supposed to be a Richard Simmons expy. I'm not really familiar enough with the original to know what the point of this was. I can think of a few celebrity cameos who'd be a bit more suited to Hogwarts Exposed, so I guess we should be thankful for small mercies.
There was a louder applause for Mr. Simone than for the others, but there was also a spattering of inappropriate wolf whistles. Headmaster Snape gave the students a stern look, but it was not close to the severity with which Percy Weasley was looking at him. Obviously Percy had not appreciated being introduced as the temporary Minister of Magic.
Snape and Percy are currently feuding, if you recall, in a subplot that's not at all ripped off from Dumbledore's feud with Fudge in Order of the Phoenix, which is in the process of being very clumsily retconned into Hogwarts Exposed.
“If that big guy is the American coach, who is the Hogwarts’ coach?” Caitlin asked.
Jamie just shrugged her shoulders and put her finger to her mouth, indicating for Caitlin not to talk.
Is that what putting your finger to your mouth indicates? I'd never have guessed.
“The teams will be challenged by three tasks, spaced throughout the school year,” Snape announced. “These tests will involve daring, deduction, magical prowess, danger, but most importantly they will test your ability to cooperate and function as a team.
It's not the Triwizard Tournament, honest.
“Now, then, before we select the team to represent Hogwarts, I would like to introduce the students from The Salem Witches’ Institute representing the United States. When your name is announced, please come up to the top of the Hall and enter the chamber behind the staff table.”
Headmaster Snape produced a sheet of paper from his pocket and started reading names. As he announced each person's name the student rose from his or her seat and proceeded toward the staff table and then the chamber. The Hogwarts students seemed to be paying little attention to the introductions; instead they were attentively staring at the American’s in their revealing uniforms.
The American's what? On second thoughts, don't answer that.
“How can they breathe in those outfits?” Amanda remarked. “They almost look sprayed on.”
Amanda, who's only just appeared in the scene.
“It would be better if they were,” Jamie remarked. “At least then they could move freely about. They all seem extremely self-conscience and embraced.
Embarrassed, I think you mean. Though if they were vampires it'd certainly make things more interesting.
That poor girl’s uniform appears much too small for her,” Jamie said, indicating a girl walking toward them.
“Oh my!” Amanda cried. “She has a severe camel toe.”
Gaaaaah, welcome back to Hogwarts Fucking Exposed.
“A what?” Caitlin whispered questioningly.
Come on. You're thirteen and creepily obsessed with sex: you should know that by now. Even if you didn't, I'd have thought context would make it obvious.
“When clothing is so tight in the crotch area that the shape of the vagina is unmistakable, it’s sometimes referred to as a camel toe,” Jamie enlightened her.
Very enlightening, and exactly like someone would describe it in an off-the-cuff conversation. Not at all like the author just went to Urban Dictionary and copy-pasted one of the more verbose definitions from there.
“What’s it called for guys?” Caitlin asked, staring fixedly as a boy about her age neared them.
You don't want to know what part of him she was staring at.
After the two reserves for Salem were announced and had entered the chamber, Snape surveyed the hall. “Now it is time for the goblet to make its decision. The first six names selected will be the team starters. The last two names will be the alternates.
“As your names are announced, please go through into the next chamber and wait with our American friends.”
Snape took out his wand and gave a sweeping wave, plunging the room into a state of semidarkness. All the candles except those inside the carved pumpkins were extinguished.
Everyone watched and waited breathlessly. The Goblet of Fire was now everyone’s focal point, shining brightly with its sparkling bright, blue-white flames. Suddenly the flames inside the goblet turned red. Sparks began to fly and then a charred piece of parchment shot into the air. The entire room gasped as Snape caught the piece of parchment.
I mean, I get that Hogwarts might stage another tournament. But did the author have to rip off GoF so blatantly that the actual Goblet of Fire itself puts in an appearance?
“The first team member for Hogwarts is from Gryffindor. Jamie Zacherley, please come forward,” he announced.
“No shocker there!” Shouted Amanda happily, as she embraced her best friend.
When even your characters are acknowledging how tiresomely predictable your plot is, maybe it's time to reconsider. Anyway, the next name out is a Hufflepuff fifth-year called Jeff who we've never seen before, and then we get:
“Our third competitor is from Gryffindor, Caitlin Potter,” Snape announced.
“Me!” Caitlin exclaimed. “I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.”
Didn't Snape just say that it wasn't only about athleticism?
“Evidently the goblet thinks you can help out the team,” Amanda said, beaming and giving Caitlin a quick hug.
“Caitlin and Jamie are both on the team,” Hermione said clutching Harry’s hand tightly. “They’re going to be thrilled when they find out that you’re coaching the Hogwarts team.”
“I’m worried about Emily,” Harry said looking out over the hall. “With Jamie and Caitlin on the team, I’m afraid she’ll be dreadfully disappointed if she doesn’t make it.”
No, there's no break between Jamie's POV at the Gryffindor table and whoever's POV at the staff table. The effect is rather as though Harry and Hermione are announcing their concerns at top volume with a magical megaphone for all to hear. And, of course, blatantly telegraphs Emily's non-selection which wouldn't have been a bad twist otherwise.
Hermione nodded her head in agreement.
As opposed to oh forget it.
“Donald Thomas from Ravenclaw is next to join the team,” Severus declared.
Apparently we're now in Harry and/or Hermione's POV, because Jamie isn't on first-name terms with Snape. That explains the megaphone, I guess.
“I bet no one from Slytherin will even make the team,” Kim declared.
And now we're not. You know, repeating a word like "declared" jars a hell of a lot more than repeating "said" would. Just (ahem) saying.
“Our house isn’t exactly known for support and teamwork.”
By that logic, shouldn't the Goblet be selecting six Hufflepuffs? Anyway, Kim also gets selected, and then:
The clapping hadn’t yet died down when the sixth piece of parchment shot out of the goblet.
“The final member of the Hogwarts starting team is…” Headmaster Snape paused, as if not believing his eyes. “From Slytherin House, Dick Bancroft?”
Yes, I'll grant you that Dick the dick is a dick. That was never in any doubt. Snape is still a much bigger dick for, however much he might privately be thinking it, letting his surprise at Dick being selected show in front of the entire school and guests. I never thought I'd be complaining about Snape being a dick in Hogwarts Exposed - if anything, he's usually not enough of one! (At least not in this way: his predilection for his former students is another matter.) And what's happened to him reflexively favouring Slytherins, anyway?
At first the hall was quiet. Even the Slytherins seemed shocked by the selection of Bancroft. Finally as Dick got smugly to his feet, the Slytherins burst into cheers. The other houses gave a short polite spattering of applause.
Hogwarts Exposed is indecisive when it comes to neo-Slytherin. On the one hand they're eager to put their connection to Voldemort behind them and have plenty of actually non-evil and even Muggle-born students, but on the other they still have blood supremacy slogans as their common room passwords. And on the one hand they kick Dick the dick out of the Quidditch team for trying to kill Jamie (he should have been expelled and sent to Azkaban, but whatever) but on the other they let him run sick initiation rites and cheer him when he's selected to represent Hogwarts. If the author was going for ambiguity, it's really not coming across.
Jamie quietly opened the door and stepped into a smaller room, lined with paintings of witches and wizards, many of who smiled happily and gave her encouraging gestures.
On the opposite side of the room, the American team was grouped around a fireplace in which a handsome blaze was roaring. They were occupied in conversation and didn’t seem to spot her enter the room. Jamie remained near the door transfixed. The firelight had the effect of making the costumes worn by the Americans seem almost translucent.
It seemed like only moments before Jeffrey MacDowell, bursting excitedly into the room, broke her trance.
“Everyone knew you’d be selected,” he said breathlessly to Jamie, “but I never dreamed I’d make the team.”
We get it, Jamie's selection was a foregone conclusion.
“Obviously, the goblet has more faith in you than you do in yourself,” Jamie said, embracing Jeff in an sincere hug. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“Maybe!” Jeff said. “Just so I don’t have to wear a costume like theirs. Did you notice the bottom part is actually a thong?”
“It is!?” Jamie said shocked. She hadn’t actually noticed due to the capes draping that area of the body. Jamie now tried to get a better look at the attire being worn by the American’s without actually staring blatantly at any of the students.
I don't think there have been any descriptions of anything this chapter that haven't been related by the characters rather than shown to us by the narrative. And we don't even know what most of the new characters, including this Jeff, look like. (Though to be fair, beyond "post-adolescent Hermione with big tits", we don't have much idea of what Jamie looks like either.) Did the author exhaust what powers of description he does have with the AMERICA FUCK YEAH carpet? Considering what else he could be describing, this might not be a bad thing.
The costumes were unisex and appeared to share the qualities of a muscle shirt and a thong in one extremely tight and body molding piece. It was a garment she would more expect to find on the French Rivera than in a wizard school competition.
“I wonder how the girls manage to keep their breasts from popping out the sides of those tops,” she said matter-of-factly.
Jeff blushed. “I was wondering the same thing,” he said eagerly, his eyes coming to rest optimistically on Jamie’s full chest.
Jeff is apparently an undisguised pervert (in fact, I'm now picturing him as his namesake from Coupling) with the hots for Jamie. That certainly sets him apart from every other character we've seen.
The door opened and Caitlin hesitantly walked into the chamber. Jamie rushed to the door and embraced her tightly. “This is great,” she said enthusiastically. “We’re going to be on the team together!”
When Jeff burst into the room, it had attracted Brian’s attention. Since then, he had been staring fixedly at Jamie. He couldn’t get over how much this girl looked like Kim’s older friend from the cruise.
What were the odds?
When Caitlin entered the room, he broke from his team and hurried over to the forming Hogwarts group.
“You’re witches,” he shouted excitedly. “Are Kim and Emily, too?”
Why is everyone so surprised? For people who are supposedly really smart, they suck at picking up on incredibly obvious hints.
“We all are!” Caitlin responded, embracing Brian. “Does this mean Jeff and Mark are?”
“No,” Brian said, shaking his head. “I wish they were. They’re good friends and I hate constantly lying to them.”
It's just as well, because then we'd have two Jeffs running around. It'd be like Ronald the Hufflepuff again.
Brian had just turned to return to the American contingent when Kim wandered through the door. She still seemed to be in shock over being selected, but when she saw Brian; her face broke into a huge grin.
Brian ran to her and literally lifted her off her feet, swinging her in a circle.
He wouldn't be able to swing her in a circle if he'd only figuratively lifted her off her feet, would he?
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were a witch?” Brian asked.
“For the same reason you didn’t say you were a wizard,” Kim replied. “That does, however, explain how you knew that someone had to be magical to become a ghost.”
So she did pick up on it, but didn't say or do anything nor even think twice about it until now? That doesn't make it better, somehow.
“Bancroft! What are you doing back here?” Jeff barked, as Dick Bancroft barged through the door. “Only team members are allowed in here.”
“That’s me people,” Dick crowed smugly. “I’m the sixth member of the team.”
As Brian ran off to rejoin his squad, the Hogwarts group all exchanged bewildered looks. Certainly there had been some sort of horrible mistake. No one less personified the term ‘Team Spirit” than Dick Bancroft.
Because it's not like he used to be a Quidditch captain or anything like that. Granted he was sacked for trying to kill his opponent, and I don't think it was ever explained how he got away with that, but he still made captain in the first place.
After Nora and Lee joined the group, they all waited nervously to receive further instructions. As Caitlin waited, her eyes kept returning to Bancroft. How could the Hogwarts team possibly win when it seemed an albatross had just been added to the group?
More like a dick.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door behind them opened and a small group of people came in: Professor Snape, followed closely by Minister Weasley, Mr. Simone, Coach Ryan and Professor Potter.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t get to address you in The Great Hall,” Minister Weasley said, staring daggers at Professor Snape. “I had a great deal of inspirational advice I wanted to impart to you and the students of Hogwarts. But since I was deprived of that opportunity, I will only say that I hope both teams will find this experience both satisfying and rewarding. It is not important which team ultimately wins the competition. What is significant is that you all learn the importance of cooperating and working together.” Once again he gave Snape a chilly, trenchant stare. “Good luck to you all.”
Without a further word, he turned and departed the room.
Another way you can tell that Order of the Phoenix had just come out is that Percy is being portrayed as a colossal douche. This particular disagreement wasn't even set up in the previous scene: he gave no indication there that he wanted to speak, not even a "hem hem" à la Umbridge, only that he was pissed off at merely being considered the interim Minister.
“Well, that was certainly rude,” Rishard huffed in a high voice. “He didn’t even take my hand in parting.”
This guy's going to be a ludicrously offensive stereotype, isn't he?
“I apologize,” Snape said. “I’m sure he thinks he has something more important to do. Now then before we get started, I’d like to introduce Professor Harry Potter to our guests. Professor Potter has agreed to coach the Hogwarts team.”
With the exception of Dick Bancroft, the Hogwarts team all clapped appreciatively. Jamie, Caitlin and Kim jumped up and down and exchanged excited hugs.
Mr. Simone, smiled broadly as his eyes stroked Harry. “Wonderful,” he said, a pleasant flutter in his voice. “I was hoping I’d get the opportunity to know you better.”
Of course he is.
“Mr. Simone will be running combined training sessions for the teams and also acting as impartial judge and facilitator for the events,” Professor Snape explained. “Mr. Simone, would you care to elucidate further?”
“Thank you, Severus,” Rishard said in a come hither voice. “I must say that both schools have assembled lovely teams. I look forward to working closely with all of you.”
“If he tries to work closely with me, he’ll end up with a mouth full of knuckles,” Dick Bancroft grunted softly.
This is in character for Dick the dick: remember how in HTE Chapter 20 his first reaction to the shower pictures was horror that people might think he was a "poof"? The author has got us in a bit of a double bind here, since Simone is a knobhead who creeps on kids (so he should get on well with HE!Snape - "come hither" indeed...) but to acknowledge this puts us in agreement with a bigoted bully who literally got away with attempted murder. And no, I'm not spoiling anything with the "creeps on kids" bit - if you didn't think this was where the author was taking this character, you've clearly forgotten that we're reading Hogwarts Exposed.
Snape was on the verge of dismissing the students when Simone suddenly stopped him.
“Oh! My goodness! Silly me!” Rishard squealed. “I forgot the most important thing. I’ve noticed that the students from Hogwarts have been eyeing enviously the stunning team uniforms that the group from Salem is wearing. The International Committee of Magical Games and Sports had the magnificent House of Gayee in France create them just for these events.”
“Fear not! I have uniforms for you, also,” Simone said in an excited giggly voice as he waved his hands about gaily.
You know, I think the author might be trying to imply something about this character. Can't possibly think what.
“If that fruitcake thinks I’m wearing one of those, he’s bonkers,” Bancroft bellowed. “I quit. One of the alternates can have my starting spot.”
“Mr. Bancroft,” said Headmaster Snape, putting his arm around Dick’s shoulder. “For the first time in seven years, I believe you and I agree about something. Those uniforms are ludicrous and debasing. The designer should be tortured and the committee that approved their use by students cursed. Unfortunately, we must follow the rules, and they state clearly that those people whose names came out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete and follow all tournament requirements. You will be competing and you will be wearing that travesty of a uniform for the remainder of the year. I’m sure the rest of the school will be as distressed to see you in that get up as you will be to be seen in it. Learn to live with it.”
Snape is almost his canon self here. We cut to Hermione and the girls arguing about the costumes on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue.
“I don’t see the problem,” Emily said in an angry voice. “I’d give anything to be a part of that team. What’s the big deal about their butt checks showing or the sides of their boobs? I thought we were all nudists? How can a camel toe embarrass you when you’re willing to walk around with your twat fully exposed? I’d gladly partake nude if it meant being on the school team.”
“Emily, please use correct terminology,” Hermione said, a tone of frustration in her voice. “Jamie and I have both tried to explain this to you countless times before, but evidently to no avail.”
HE!Hermione is the world's most uptight nudist. Are the others naked in this scene? It's not actually been established.
Hermione shook her head in disbelief. If Jamie had pubic hair, it would all be visible. She had seen the American uniforms, but not this close. She hadn’t realized how revealing they really were.
“I can’t believe that they expect you to practically live in these outfits for the next eight months. Going about normal activity would seem unfeasible, competing totally impossible. The boys’ uniform is exactly the same?” she questioned. No way in hell could Harry, even in a flaccid state, ever conceal his package behind that little triangle; and what if he got aroused? The very thought was enough to increase her heartbeat.
Behold, the greatest witch of her age losing her mind at the mere thought of a penis. Also, HARRY HAS A BIG KNOB HURR HURR HURR. Also also, aren't spells that prevent skimpy clothes from revealing too much explicitly part of the Hogwarts Exposed universe? That have actually been used by all the characters in this scene?
“According to Brian, it’s impossible to get through a contest without popping out several times.” Kim added, as she and Caitlin entered the room.
She entered the room after her apparent off-screen conversation with Brian just in time to jump into the right moment of this conversation.
“He says that the girls’ breasts are out more than they are covered. On one occasion, they were practicing making a human ladder and Debby’s costume shifted to one side exposing her entire vagina.
That sounds anatomically implausible, to say the least. And rather painful.
“Fine Harry, but while she’s thinking, what are we going to do about these scandalous outfits?” Hermione asked. “Some pervert must have designed them.
To be fair, this doesn't narrow things down too far in Hogwarts Exposed.
The girls can’t possibly compete in them. Just watch. Girls, do some toe touches.”
At first the girls exchanged questioning looks, but then did as Hermione had requested. By the time they reached just five repetitions, all three girls had at least one breast exposed. Both of Jamie’s had burst out in the open as soon as she moved.
“See what I mean?” Hermione said. “And that’s not the only problem. Look how the material rides into the cleft of their vaginas. These outfits weren’t designed with comfort or mobility in mind; they were designed to be sexually provocative.”
And it's not like they're wizards and can charm the outfits to not do that or anything.
Hermione’s knuckles had barely touched the door when a voice called out sweetly. “Do come in Professor Granger, I’ve been expecting you.”
Hermione opened the door, but as she walked inside, the sight of a man doing sit-ups naked, momentarily took her aback.
You'd think she'd be used to that by now.
“I find the uniforms to be disgusting,” she declared. “This is a school, not a strip club. There is absolute no way the participants can take part in any physical competition without exposing themselves.
“I certainly hope not,” Rishard answered, a self-satisfied tone to his voice.
Hermione just stared at him in disbelief. She found this man totally despicable.
Rishard finished exercising, but didn’t bother putting his robes back on. Instead he stood leaning against the doorframe, one hand on his hip, studying Hermione. “I’ve been told that you are the smartest witch of our time.
I'd say he's been misinformed regarding HE!Hermione, but it's not like she's got much competition.
It’s disappointing that you haven’t figured this all out on your own. Why do you think these games are being held?”
“To promote closer unity and understanding between witches and wizards of different countries,” Hermione affirmed.
Rishard shook his head as he laughed. “Possibly that might have been one of the original intentions, but now if it occurs, it’s just a pleasant by-product. The first games I had a part in were held in Australia against New Zealand. A great deal of money and effort went into preparing for them. It had been hoped that the sale of tickets, food and souvenirs would recoup those expenses. Sadly there was not a great deal of interest in the first two rounds and it looked like we would incur a financial disaster. Then halfway through the second event, there was a slight accident.” Rishard smiled.
“A lovely young girl with extremely pleasant knobs fell out of a tree.
TIL that this can apparently refer to breasts. I'd heard "knockers", but never "knobs". Let's just say it's not the image that most readily comes to mind.
“But these are children, certainly neither our Ministry nor the U.S. Magical Government can be supporting what almost amounts to child pornography,” Hermione pleaded.
“Now, now, let’s not exaggerate,” Simone said calmly. “There are no sex acts. Why you, yourself have on numerous occasions voiced the opinion that there is nothing dirty or immoral about nudity. And contestants enter the game fully covered.”
On the one hand, we're supposed to hate Simone: that much is clear. On the other, the arguments he's making here look suspiciously like how the author himself defends Hogwarts Exposed. I'm almost tempted to say that he's the author's subconscious in open rebellion, trying to show us just how fucked-up his attitudes are.
“Wake up to the reality of the real world Professor,” Simone advised. “Money speaks. These events now make a fortune and politicians from all the counties concerned want their share. Minister Wrong approached me. I didn’t approach her.”
Hmmm. If Wrong was involved, do you suppose that reborn!Salazar will try to sabotage the tournament and kidnap them? I wonder. The sad thing is, this is actually good by the usual standard of foreshadowing in Hogwarts Exposed.
Speaking of Wrong, it's to my endless regret that I hadn't watched the Doctor Who serial "Planet of the Spiders" before her demise. Here, though, is as good a place as any to put this:
(A Potterfic villain sharing a name with one from Doctor Who. Where have we seen this before? *chinstroke*)
“But what about the children?” she pleaded. “Certainly their parents can’t approve.”
“The voices of a few troubled parents are easily drowned out by the cheers of the boisterous supporting crowds. Besides, these aren’t children, they are adolescents; in some cases, such as Miss Zacherley, almost adults. They’re not being molested or physically harmed in any way,” Rishard claimed. “Why, one might say they are simply being exposed to how much enjoyment their nubile bodies can bring to others.”
He's enjoying writing this, isn't he? I hate this fic.
“You are nothing but a filthy, sick pervert,” Hermione screamed. “My girls will not be taking part in your sex show.”
“Yes they will,” Simone said, now sounding almost threateningly. “Have you forgotten that they’ve signed a magical contract?”
“Then, they’ll wear robes over your hideous uniforms”
“I suggest you read the rules,” he empathized.
No, I don't think he's doing all that much of that. Finally, in a break with badfic tradition, Hermione hates that she doesn't have a cock. Why? Because:
He looked at her questioningly, trying to discern the abrupt change in the course of the conversation. “Why on earth would a woman as lovely as you want a penis?”
“So I could tell a deviate like you to suck my big hairy dick,” she replied.
That doesn't sound like "correct terminology" to me.
Hermione hadn’t spoken since returning to their quarters; she just sat shaking her head, a look of loathing on her face. Neither Harry nor the girls attempted to engage her in conversation. She rarely got in this type of mood, but they had all learned it was best to allow her to calm down before approaching her.
Yes, it's so rare for Hermione to be in a bad mood.
“I’d prefer to compete nude,” Jamie said emphatically to the room in general as she stared at what she was going to be forced to wear “I’m not ashamed to be seen naked, but these costumes make me feel like a sex object and they’re extremely uncomfortable.”
“I agree,” Caitlin said straight away. “It feels like someone is rubbing a rope between my legs. I vote for participating nude.”
“I can’t believe I’m agreeing,” Kim said shyly. “Although I love being nude, I’m not quite ready to parade around in front of a crowd of clothed people, but on the other hand, I can’t stand this stupid outfit. How can we possibly concentrate on the competition if we need to be constantly adjusting our uniform?” Kim took a deep breath. “If given a choice over this,” she lifted the offending garment and looked at it, “or being nude. I’ll go nude.”
What a remarkable twist nobody could possibly have seen coming!
Hermione had remained silent throughout Harry’s discussion with the girls, but when she finally spoke, she instantaneously had everyone’s undivided attention. “What if neither Rishard nor the school knows,” she said.
“Hermione!” Harry cried, shock evident in his voice. “You’re not suggesting the concealment charm are you?”
“It’s a viable option,” she said, a severe expression on her face. “It wouldn’t solve the problems of the thong bottom exposing their butt cheeks or their breasts being partially visible from the side, but it would eliminate their breasts and vagina from being totally exposed by popping out of the costume.”
I'm sure "butt cheeks" isn't "correct terminology" either. More to the point, though, if the costume is part of the magical contract then how is this not breaking the terms? And why not just use the same charm that they used for their ball outfits on the actual costumes rather than go through yet another round of contrived concealment charm bullshit?
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Harry asked, completely flabbergasted by the suggestion. “You’d let the girls spend the remainder of the year attending classes totally nude.”
“I didn’t say I was fond of the idea, Harry, but our options are extremely limited. We can’t let that bastard Rishard turn the girls into an erotic side show.” Hermione pointed out.
"That's the author's job!"
“Hermione! What about the training and the actual competition?” Jamie asked, an uneasy feeling in her stomach. “Our teammates may need to touch us in some way and we may need to touch them.”
Hermione nodded her head. “That’s the one obvious imperfection with my idea. You’ll all need to be willing to have your teammates see you nude.”
“Dick Bancroft?” Caitlin said, in a disgusted tone of voice.
Jamie looked as if she were about to be sick.
It's nothing he's not already seen, even though that chapter's events seem to have been retconned out of existence. Anyway, that conversation over, we cut to Jamie and Alex (where's he been so far in this chapter?) in wherever it is you can go to have a shag in the FPODD Exposed!Hogwarts. Because that's what they're about to do.
“So that means that you’ll be spending most of the next eight months nude,” Alex said, trying to comprehend the total ramifications of this.
“Yeah, well except for my socks and trainers, of course” Jamie said. “Truth is, that with the exception of the Yule Ball, I don’t see a reason that I’d be putting clothes on at all.
The Not-Triwizard-Honest Tournament even has its own Yule Ball. Then again, Exposed!Hogwarts holds a Yule Ball whenever the hell it wants anyway. And I do mean "whenever" - the last one was really a New Year's Ball.
“Jamie, why not just ask our housemates if they’d mind if you removed the spell while in the common room at night?” You’re going to actually be nude, why not just remove the pretence of having something on?” Alex asked.
Jamie couldn’t believe her ears. “You’d actually be okay with that? You wouldn’t mind my being starkers in front of all the other guys?”
I thought she'd already done this. More than once.
“My name isn’t Matt,” Alex declared. “I know what I have and I’ve no intentions of losing you by acting like some stupid jealous prat. You were a nudist long before we met and I’m assuming you desire to be one for the remainder of your life.”
I'm honestly surprised the author didn't say "balance" here.
“When are you going to tell the other members of the team about the decision the three of you have made?” Alex asked. “It would be quite a surprise if one of them grabbed your hand Saturday at practice and suddenly saw that you were nude.”
“Kim, Caitlin and I discussed that with Hermione,” Jamie said. “She suggested we meet with the other team members on Friday night and explain what we were doing. We’re going to suggest to the others that they use the charm also.”
“Maybe Nora will consider it, but I doubt any of the guys will. Most of us males have a hang-up about being nude, especially around other nude guys. If one naked guy glances at another he’s automatically labeled as gay. You girls handle same-sex nudity much better than us.”
"Author Doesn't Have Issues So Much As Subscriptions", Exhibit #434,456.
Alex thought for a while. “You know, even if you tell them on Friday night, it’s still going to be rather distracting when they initially see you, whether it be Saturday or whenever.”
“Yeah,” Jamie said. Then she held her breath waiting for Alex’s reaction to her next words. “That’s why we decided to let them see us naked Friday night.”
“We figured that we’d let each guy touch our hand in turn and check us out visually for a minute or two,” she said.
I know what she's saying here, but it's a ridiculous way of phrasing it. Just makes me think of "Captain, we have visual contact!" or something.
“That way it wouldn’t be nearly as stimulating when they see us the next time.”
Alex just smiled and gave Jamie a kiss on the cheek.
“What was that for?” she asked.
Alex laughed. “I sincerely doubt that seeing you naked for two minutes Friday night will cause anyone to not be stimulated the next time they see you nude. You opening one button of your blouse has the same effect on me as an Engorgement Charm and I’ve seen you nude since I was eleven.”
Nudity: completely nonsexual! They carry on in a similar vein for what seems like a lot longer than it actually is, before:
“Speaking of orgasms, I didn’t have time for dessert at dinner,” Alex informed her. “Would you mind terribly if I had it now?”
“That is something I’ll never refuse you,” she said as she laid back and spread her legs welcomingly.
We get a merciful cut, and then:
“How did you get to be so good at that?” Jamie asked, as she hugged Alex tightly, kissing him with all her heart.
“Mum always allowed me to lick the bowl when she was done icing a cake,” Alex replied. “I always stuck my face in as far as I possibly could until I’d licked out every last drop.”
...
...
...
There's nothing I can say to that. Nothing at all, except perhaps:
I'm not even sorry. I don't think the fic could have handed me a more perfect opening if it was actually trying. The best bit, though, is that I honestly think this is the first we've ever heard anything about Alex's parents.
“Alex! Have you told your parents about me yet?” Jamie asked. “How do you think they’ll feel about you dating a girl that likes to walk around in the buff?”
“I’m not sure how they’ll feel about the dating part,” Alex admitted. “I never told them we were dating. I only told them that I’d found the girl that I intended to marry.
Because that somehow doesn't imply that they're dating? What the hell kind of family does he come from?
“They want to meet you; if not before, then definitely this summer. Mum thought maybe you could come visit for a couple of weeks before we start Auror training and neither one of them has a problem with you being comfortable during your stay.”
“That’s great,” Jamie squealed. “I can’t wait to meet them.” The thought of meeting Alex’s parents put her on an emotional high. Unfortunately the thought of Auror training returned her to earth. She couldn’t bring herself to do it tonight, not with everything else going on at the moment, but she had to talk to Alex. Somehow she had to tell him that she didn’t think she was cut out to be an Auror.
This was brought on by her angst over unicorning Hooch. It actually might not be all that bad a character arc if I could bring myself to give a monkey's, but alas.
She held him as tightly as she possibly could. Would he understand? They’d both talked of being Aurors since they were thirteen. They’d looked forward to training together. Now they’d be apart. Would he still love her when she broke the news? She felt like she would be letting him down, hurting him. She knew she didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Alex, but she also knew she couldn’t live without him.
And honestly yes, her conflicted feelings could well make her doubt someone she knows in her head wouldn't mind if she quit Hogwarts and spent the rest of her life working in a pub or something. I just have zero faith in this author's ability to pull it off. Finally, as if to remind us that there's an actual plot going on, we cut to Salazar talking to Theodore Nott.
“Nott, I understand you ran into a bit of a problem with the couple you visited last evening.”
“Yes, my Lord.” Theodore Nott cried, prostrating himself at the feet of Salazar Slytherin. “I’m sorry my Lord, but they refused to enter your service. Please forgive me, my Lord. I tried my best to convince them that it was in their best interest, but they were vehement in their refusal.”
Every fic I've read seems to have its own interpretation of Nott. This one is going for "generic evil minion".
“I’d like you to return to them again before the week is out and give them another chance to join my service. Do they have anything that might perhaps be used as a bargaining chip to influence them to reevaluate their original decision?”
“Yes, my Lord. They have two children, both girls. The older attends Hogwarts, the six year old goes to the day school in Hogsmeade.”
“Hogwarts, dear Hogwarts,” Slytherin said, as if reminiscing about bygone years. “I have many memories of the school, both good and bad. When you visit them, tell them how very disappointed I was at their decision. Also, inform them that if they do not join me immediately, their daughter will not live to ever ride the Hogwarts Express again.”
He paused to twirl his moustache and cackle.
“Oh, and Nott, in order that they realize how sincere I am and how distressed I was that they didn’t answer my first calling, I want you to take them a gift on my behalf.”
“Yes, my Lord,” Nott said. “The gift my Lord, what is it to be?”
“The severed head of the youngest girl.”
I might be going out on a bit of a limb, but I think they're supposed to be evil.
“I’m okay, at least thus far,” Emily exclaimed, “but don’t worry about me. Look at the American team.”
“What about the American team?” Kim turned her attention to the advancing group. “Oh my god, they all look like they’re parading about in their underwear,” Kim exclaimed aghast. “Plus, their robes look more like capes. Are they all dressed to look like Superman and Wonder Woman for Halloween?”
Almost all of the description of their outfits comes from dialogue. It's like the author thought he was writing a radio script. The Superman and Wonder Woman references aren't as out-of-place as they seem at first glance, since Kim is Muggle-born and Emily grew up in a Muggle neighbourhood.
“Their attire is outlandish,” Emily agreed, “but that’s not what I’m referring to. Look at the boy in the last pairing; the one walking beside the nice-looking blonde.”
We've gone from ITWATN, whose author abuses commas, to Hogwarts Exposed, whose author abuses semicolons.
Kim looked in the direction Emily had indicated and then froze. The boy and girl appeared to be very embarrassed by their garb, but at the same time were talking and pointing animatedly at the castle, obviously extremely impressed with Hogwarts. Kim immediately recognized the boy; they had become good friends on the cruise.
“It’s Brian,” Kim said in a stunned voice, as the American group passed. “He’s a wizard!”
Now who didn't see this coming a mile off? Who thought Kim's amazing new love interest would just vanish into thin air and never be heard from again, even if he wasn't dropping megaton-size hints every few seconds that he might be familiar with the wizarding world? Especially with him being American and Hogwarts just happening to play host to a whole bunch of Americans this year?
Kim and Emily filed back up the steps with the other Hogwarts students and then, for Emily’s sake, made a hurried pit stop in the nearest girls’ bathroom before entering the Great Hall and sitting down for the Halloween Feast.
Well, there goes last chapter's recycled cliffhanger. As ever I'm left wondering how "can they get to the toilet in time?" is a high-stakes conflict in any world, let alone one where Evanesco and Scourgify exist, but whatever.
“Why is Filch adding three chairs to the staff table?” Kim wondered aloud.
“Not sure,” answered Emily. “One might be for that paunchy person that accompanied the American team. I can’t imagine whom the other two are for.”
Do you suppose that maybe there might be other adult guests, who'd naturally sit at the staff table? So much for that vaunted IQ.
Once the students had all settled down at the House tables, the staff entered and filled the top table. Kim’s question concerning the extra chairs was soon answered. Snape entered follow by Percy Weasley, the American chaperone and …a third person that appeared to be neither a man nor a woman.
Oh, joy of motherfucking joys, we're going to have a load of those jokes, aren't we?
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests,” said Snape. “I hope your stay with us will be most enjoyable. The contest will officially open at the end of tonight’s feast. Now, please, eat, drink, and make yourselves comfortable”
“I wonder how far we’re allowed to go in regards to making ourselves comfortable?” Emily asked with a laugh.
“Not as far as you’d like,” Kim said as the plates in front of them filled with food.
Just in case you forgot they were meant to be nudists. Kim stole my line.
The house elves in the kitchen had once again outdone themselves; there was a much larger than normal variety of dishes to select from.
“I can’t get over the fact that Brian is a wizard,” Kim exclaimed.
She can't get over this blatantly foreshadowed fact so badly that she can exclaim without an exclamation mark.
“I can’t get over the getup that he and the others are wearing,” Emily said. “That can’t possibly be their school uniform.
Wait, since when did they have school uniforms in Hogwarts Exposed? Even when they're not doing what Hogwarts Exposed characters do, they still seem to be wearing Muggle outfits.
It must be a special costume for the events, but who would pick such awful outfits?”
“Maybe that person sitting to the left of Professor Snape,” Kim suggested. “Is that a very feminine man or an extremely homely woman?”
Emily shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure which would be worse.”
Why the fuck would either be bad, you judgemental wankstain? You don't even know this person! I "love" how the ambiguously-gendered guy is automatically the prime suspect for dressing kids in skimpy outfits, even before he was revealed to be responsible. Really shows the level we're operating on here: if the tone of this fic was lowered any further, it'd destabilise the Earth's core.
“What qualities do you imagine the goblet will be looking for?” Caitlin asked. “I would imagine that seventh years would have a much better chance of being selected.”
“Not necessarily,” Jamie said. “A team needs members with varying talents and abilities.”
The Hogwarts team could be Jamie on her own.
Finally the golden plates returned to their original spotless state and Snape stood up. Tension seemed to fill the hall. “The time has come to select the Hogwarts team, but before we do, a few introductions and some explanations are in order,” said the Headmaster.
“Let me introduce our guests seated at the staff table: Mr. Percy Weasley, interim Minister of Magic” - there was polite applause - “Mr. Bud Ryan, coach for the American team” - again a polite response - “and Mr. Rishard Simone, Facilitator of Games from the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports.”
“Does that answer your question?” Emily whispered to Kim. “It’s a guy. A very short guy with a dyed blonde, curly Afro, fake bronze tan, tight short shorts and shaved legs.”
Like the outfits, he's only been described in dialogue. Now apparently he's supposed to be a Richard Simmons expy. I'm not really familiar enough with the original to know what the point of this was. I can think of a few celebrity cameos who'd be a bit more suited to Hogwarts Exposed, so I guess we should be thankful for small mercies.
There was a louder applause for Mr. Simone than for the others, but there was also a spattering of inappropriate wolf whistles. Headmaster Snape gave the students a stern look, but it was not close to the severity with which Percy Weasley was looking at him. Obviously Percy had not appreciated being introduced as the temporary Minister of Magic.
Snape and Percy are currently feuding, if you recall, in a subplot that's not at all ripped off from Dumbledore's feud with Fudge in Order of the Phoenix, which is in the process of being very clumsily retconned into Hogwarts Exposed.
“If that big guy is the American coach, who is the Hogwarts’ coach?” Caitlin asked.
Jamie just shrugged her shoulders and put her finger to her mouth, indicating for Caitlin not to talk.
Is that what putting your finger to your mouth indicates? I'd never have guessed.
“The teams will be challenged by three tasks, spaced throughout the school year,” Snape announced. “These tests will involve daring, deduction, magical prowess, danger, but most importantly they will test your ability to cooperate and function as a team.
It's not the Triwizard Tournament, honest.
“Now, then, before we select the team to represent Hogwarts, I would like to introduce the students from The Salem Witches’ Institute representing the United States. When your name is announced, please come up to the top of the Hall and enter the chamber behind the staff table.”
Headmaster Snape produced a sheet of paper from his pocket and started reading names. As he announced each person's name the student rose from his or her seat and proceeded toward the staff table and then the chamber. The Hogwarts students seemed to be paying little attention to the introductions; instead they were attentively staring at the American’s in their revealing uniforms.
The American's what? On second thoughts, don't answer that.
“How can they breathe in those outfits?” Amanda remarked. “They almost look sprayed on.”
Amanda, who's only just appeared in the scene.
“It would be better if they were,” Jamie remarked. “At least then they could move freely about. They all seem extremely self-conscience and embraced.
Embarrassed, I think you mean. Though if they were vampires it'd certainly make things more interesting.
That poor girl’s uniform appears much too small for her,” Jamie said, indicating a girl walking toward them.
“Oh my!” Amanda cried. “She has a severe camel toe.”
Gaaaaah, welcome back to Hogwarts Fucking Exposed.
“A what?” Caitlin whispered questioningly.
Come on. You're thirteen and creepily obsessed with sex: you should know that by now. Even if you didn't, I'd have thought context would make it obvious.
“When clothing is so tight in the crotch area that the shape of the vagina is unmistakable, it’s sometimes referred to as a camel toe,” Jamie enlightened her.
Very enlightening, and exactly like someone would describe it in an off-the-cuff conversation. Not at all like the author just went to Urban Dictionary and copy-pasted one of the more verbose definitions from there.
“What’s it called for guys?” Caitlin asked, staring fixedly as a boy about her age neared them.
You don't want to know what part of him she was staring at.
After the two reserves for Salem were announced and had entered the chamber, Snape surveyed the hall. “Now it is time for the goblet to make its decision. The first six names selected will be the team starters. The last two names will be the alternates.
“As your names are announced, please go through into the next chamber and wait with our American friends.”
Snape took out his wand and gave a sweeping wave, plunging the room into a state of semidarkness. All the candles except those inside the carved pumpkins were extinguished.
Everyone watched and waited breathlessly. The Goblet of Fire was now everyone’s focal point, shining brightly with its sparkling bright, blue-white flames. Suddenly the flames inside the goblet turned red. Sparks began to fly and then a charred piece of parchment shot into the air. The entire room gasped as Snape caught the piece of parchment.
I mean, I get that Hogwarts might stage another tournament. But did the author have to rip off GoF so blatantly that the actual Goblet of Fire itself puts in an appearance?
“The first team member for Hogwarts is from Gryffindor. Jamie Zacherley, please come forward,” he announced.
“No shocker there!” Shouted Amanda happily, as she embraced her best friend.
When even your characters are acknowledging how tiresomely predictable your plot is, maybe it's time to reconsider. Anyway, the next name out is a Hufflepuff fifth-year called Jeff who we've never seen before, and then we get:
“Our third competitor is from Gryffindor, Caitlin Potter,” Snape announced.
“Me!” Caitlin exclaimed. “I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.”
Didn't Snape just say that it wasn't only about athleticism?
“Evidently the goblet thinks you can help out the team,” Amanda said, beaming and giving Caitlin a quick hug.
“Caitlin and Jamie are both on the team,” Hermione said clutching Harry’s hand tightly. “They’re going to be thrilled when they find out that you’re coaching the Hogwarts team.”
“I’m worried about Emily,” Harry said looking out over the hall. “With Jamie and Caitlin on the team, I’m afraid she’ll be dreadfully disappointed if she doesn’t make it.”
No, there's no break between Jamie's POV at the Gryffindor table and whoever's POV at the staff table. The effect is rather as though Harry and Hermione are announcing their concerns at top volume with a magical megaphone for all to hear. And, of course, blatantly telegraphs Emily's non-selection which wouldn't have been a bad twist otherwise.
Hermione nodded her head in agreement.
As opposed to oh forget it.
“Donald Thomas from Ravenclaw is next to join the team,” Severus declared.
Apparently we're now in Harry and/or Hermione's POV, because Jamie isn't on first-name terms with Snape. That explains the megaphone, I guess.
“I bet no one from Slytherin will even make the team,” Kim declared.
And now we're not. You know, repeating a word like "declared" jars a hell of a lot more than repeating "said" would. Just (ahem) saying.
“Our house isn’t exactly known for support and teamwork.”
By that logic, shouldn't the Goblet be selecting six Hufflepuffs? Anyway, Kim also gets selected, and then:
The clapping hadn’t yet died down when the sixth piece of parchment shot out of the goblet.
“The final member of the Hogwarts starting team is…” Headmaster Snape paused, as if not believing his eyes. “From Slytherin House, Dick Bancroft?”
Yes, I'll grant you that Dick the dick is a dick. That was never in any doubt. Snape is still a much bigger dick for, however much he might privately be thinking it, letting his surprise at Dick being selected show in front of the entire school and guests. I never thought I'd be complaining about Snape being a dick in Hogwarts Exposed - if anything, he's usually not enough of one! (At least not in this way: his predilection for his former students is another matter.) And what's happened to him reflexively favouring Slytherins, anyway?
At first the hall was quiet. Even the Slytherins seemed shocked by the selection of Bancroft. Finally as Dick got smugly to his feet, the Slytherins burst into cheers. The other houses gave a short polite spattering of applause.
Hogwarts Exposed is indecisive when it comes to neo-Slytherin. On the one hand they're eager to put their connection to Voldemort behind them and have plenty of actually non-evil and even Muggle-born students, but on the other they still have blood supremacy slogans as their common room passwords. And on the one hand they kick Dick the dick out of the Quidditch team for trying to kill Jamie (he should have been expelled and sent to Azkaban, but whatever) but on the other they let him run sick initiation rites and cheer him when he's selected to represent Hogwarts. If the author was going for ambiguity, it's really not coming across.
Jamie quietly opened the door and stepped into a smaller room, lined with paintings of witches and wizards, many of who smiled happily and gave her encouraging gestures.
On the opposite side of the room, the American team was grouped around a fireplace in which a handsome blaze was roaring. They were occupied in conversation and didn’t seem to spot her enter the room. Jamie remained near the door transfixed. The firelight had the effect of making the costumes worn by the Americans seem almost translucent.
It seemed like only moments before Jeffrey MacDowell, bursting excitedly into the room, broke her trance.
“Everyone knew you’d be selected,” he said breathlessly to Jamie, “but I never dreamed I’d make the team.”
We get it, Jamie's selection was a foregone conclusion.
“Obviously, the goblet has more faith in you than you do in yourself,” Jamie said, embracing Jeff in an sincere hug. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“Maybe!” Jeff said. “Just so I don’t have to wear a costume like theirs. Did you notice the bottom part is actually a thong?”
“It is!?” Jamie said shocked. She hadn’t actually noticed due to the capes draping that area of the body. Jamie now tried to get a better look at the attire being worn by the American’s without actually staring blatantly at any of the students.
I don't think there have been any descriptions of anything this chapter that haven't been related by the characters rather than shown to us by the narrative. And we don't even know what most of the new characters, including this Jeff, look like. (Though to be fair, beyond "post-adolescent Hermione with big tits", we don't have much idea of what Jamie looks like either.) Did the author exhaust what powers of description he does have with the AMERICA FUCK YEAH carpet? Considering what else he could be describing, this might not be a bad thing.
The costumes were unisex and appeared to share the qualities of a muscle shirt and a thong in one extremely tight and body molding piece. It was a garment she would more expect to find on the French Rivera than in a wizard school competition.
“I wonder how the girls manage to keep their breasts from popping out the sides of those tops,” she said matter-of-factly.
Jeff blushed. “I was wondering the same thing,” he said eagerly, his eyes coming to rest optimistically on Jamie’s full chest.
Jeff is apparently an undisguised pervert (in fact, I'm now picturing him as his namesake from Coupling) with the hots for Jamie. That certainly sets him apart from every other character we've seen.
The door opened and Caitlin hesitantly walked into the chamber. Jamie rushed to the door and embraced her tightly. “This is great,” she said enthusiastically. “We’re going to be on the team together!”
When Jeff burst into the room, it had attracted Brian’s attention. Since then, he had been staring fixedly at Jamie. He couldn’t get over how much this girl looked like Kim’s older friend from the cruise.
What were the odds?
When Caitlin entered the room, he broke from his team and hurried over to the forming Hogwarts group.
“You’re witches,” he shouted excitedly. “Are Kim and Emily, too?”
Why is everyone so surprised? For people who are supposedly really smart, they suck at picking up on incredibly obvious hints.
“We all are!” Caitlin responded, embracing Brian. “Does this mean Jeff and Mark are?”
“No,” Brian said, shaking his head. “I wish they were. They’re good friends and I hate constantly lying to them.”
It's just as well, because then we'd have two Jeffs running around. It'd be like Ronald the Hufflepuff again.
Brian had just turned to return to the American contingent when Kim wandered through the door. She still seemed to be in shock over being selected, but when she saw Brian; her face broke into a huge grin.
Brian ran to her and literally lifted her off her feet, swinging her in a circle.
He wouldn't be able to swing her in a circle if he'd only figuratively lifted her off her feet, would he?
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were a witch?” Brian asked.
“For the same reason you didn’t say you were a wizard,” Kim replied. “That does, however, explain how you knew that someone had to be magical to become a ghost.”
So she did pick up on it, but didn't say or do anything nor even think twice about it until now? That doesn't make it better, somehow.
“Bancroft! What are you doing back here?” Jeff barked, as Dick Bancroft barged through the door. “Only team members are allowed in here.”
“That’s me people,” Dick crowed smugly. “I’m the sixth member of the team.”
As Brian ran off to rejoin his squad, the Hogwarts group all exchanged bewildered looks. Certainly there had been some sort of horrible mistake. No one less personified the term ‘Team Spirit” than Dick Bancroft.
Because it's not like he used to be a Quidditch captain or anything like that. Granted he was sacked for trying to kill his opponent, and I don't think it was ever explained how he got away with that, but he still made captain in the first place.
After Nora and Lee joined the group, they all waited nervously to receive further instructions. As Caitlin waited, her eyes kept returning to Bancroft. How could the Hogwarts team possibly win when it seemed an albatross had just been added to the group?
More like a dick.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door behind them opened and a small group of people came in: Professor Snape, followed closely by Minister Weasley, Mr. Simone, Coach Ryan and Professor Potter.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t get to address you in The Great Hall,” Minister Weasley said, staring daggers at Professor Snape. “I had a great deal of inspirational advice I wanted to impart to you and the students of Hogwarts. But since I was deprived of that opportunity, I will only say that I hope both teams will find this experience both satisfying and rewarding. It is not important which team ultimately wins the competition. What is significant is that you all learn the importance of cooperating and working together.” Once again he gave Snape a chilly, trenchant stare. “Good luck to you all.”
Without a further word, he turned and departed the room.
Another way you can tell that Order of the Phoenix had just come out is that Percy is being portrayed as a colossal douche. This particular disagreement wasn't even set up in the previous scene: he gave no indication there that he wanted to speak, not even a "hem hem" à la Umbridge, only that he was pissed off at merely being considered the interim Minister.
“Well, that was certainly rude,” Rishard huffed in a high voice. “He didn’t even take my hand in parting.”
This guy's going to be a ludicrously offensive stereotype, isn't he?
“I apologize,” Snape said. “I’m sure he thinks he has something more important to do. Now then before we get started, I’d like to introduce Professor Harry Potter to our guests. Professor Potter has agreed to coach the Hogwarts team.”
With the exception of Dick Bancroft, the Hogwarts team all clapped appreciatively. Jamie, Caitlin and Kim jumped up and down and exchanged excited hugs.
Mr. Simone, smiled broadly as his eyes stroked Harry. “Wonderful,” he said, a pleasant flutter in his voice. “I was hoping I’d get the opportunity to know you better.”
Of course he is.
“Mr. Simone will be running combined training sessions for the teams and also acting as impartial judge and facilitator for the events,” Professor Snape explained. “Mr. Simone, would you care to elucidate further?”
“Thank you, Severus,” Rishard said in a come hither voice. “I must say that both schools have assembled lovely teams. I look forward to working closely with all of you.”
“If he tries to work closely with me, he’ll end up with a mouth full of knuckles,” Dick Bancroft grunted softly.
This is in character for Dick the dick: remember how in HTE Chapter 20 his first reaction to the shower pictures was horror that people might think he was a "poof"? The author has got us in a bit of a double bind here, since Simone is a knobhead who creeps on kids (so he should get on well with HE!Snape - "come hither" indeed...) but to acknowledge this puts us in agreement with a bigoted bully who literally got away with attempted murder. And no, I'm not spoiling anything with the "creeps on kids" bit - if you didn't think this was where the author was taking this character, you've clearly forgotten that we're reading Hogwarts Exposed.
Snape was on the verge of dismissing the students when Simone suddenly stopped him.
“Oh! My goodness! Silly me!” Rishard squealed. “I forgot the most important thing. I’ve noticed that the students from Hogwarts have been eyeing enviously the stunning team uniforms that the group from Salem is wearing. The International Committee of Magical Games and Sports had the magnificent House of Gayee in France create them just for these events.”
“Fear not! I have uniforms for you, also,” Simone said in an excited giggly voice as he waved his hands about gaily.
You know, I think the author might be trying to imply something about this character. Can't possibly think what.
“If that fruitcake thinks I’m wearing one of those, he’s bonkers,” Bancroft bellowed. “I quit. One of the alternates can have my starting spot.”
“Mr. Bancroft,” said Headmaster Snape, putting his arm around Dick’s shoulder. “For the first time in seven years, I believe you and I agree about something. Those uniforms are ludicrous and debasing. The designer should be tortured and the committee that approved their use by students cursed. Unfortunately, we must follow the rules, and they state clearly that those people whose names came out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete and follow all tournament requirements. You will be competing and you will be wearing that travesty of a uniform for the remainder of the year. I’m sure the rest of the school will be as distressed to see you in that get up as you will be to be seen in it. Learn to live with it.”
Snape is almost his canon self here. We cut to Hermione and the girls arguing about the costumes on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue.
“I don’t see the problem,” Emily said in an angry voice. “I’d give anything to be a part of that team. What’s the big deal about their butt checks showing or the sides of their boobs? I thought we were all nudists? How can a camel toe embarrass you when you’re willing to walk around with your twat fully exposed? I’d gladly partake nude if it meant being on the school team.”
“Emily, please use correct terminology,” Hermione said, a tone of frustration in her voice. “Jamie and I have both tried to explain this to you countless times before, but evidently to no avail.”
HE!Hermione is the world's most uptight nudist. Are the others naked in this scene? It's not actually been established.
Hermione shook her head in disbelief. If Jamie had pubic hair, it would all be visible. She had seen the American uniforms, but not this close. She hadn’t realized how revealing they really were.
“I can’t believe that they expect you to practically live in these outfits for the next eight months. Going about normal activity would seem unfeasible, competing totally impossible. The boys’ uniform is exactly the same?” she questioned. No way in hell could Harry, even in a flaccid state, ever conceal his package behind that little triangle; and what if he got aroused? The very thought was enough to increase her heartbeat.
Behold, the greatest witch of her age losing her mind at the mere thought of a penis. Also, HARRY HAS A BIG KNOB HURR HURR HURR. Also also, aren't spells that prevent skimpy clothes from revealing too much explicitly part of the Hogwarts Exposed universe? That have actually been used by all the characters in this scene?
“According to Brian, it’s impossible to get through a contest without popping out several times.” Kim added, as she and Caitlin entered the room.
She entered the room after her apparent off-screen conversation with Brian just in time to jump into the right moment of this conversation.
“He says that the girls’ breasts are out more than they are covered. On one occasion, they were practicing making a human ladder and Debby’s costume shifted to one side exposing her entire vagina.
That sounds anatomically implausible, to say the least. And rather painful.
“Fine Harry, but while she’s thinking, what are we going to do about these scandalous outfits?” Hermione asked. “Some pervert must have designed them.
To be fair, this doesn't narrow things down too far in Hogwarts Exposed.
The girls can’t possibly compete in them. Just watch. Girls, do some toe touches.”
At first the girls exchanged questioning looks, but then did as Hermione had requested. By the time they reached just five repetitions, all three girls had at least one breast exposed. Both of Jamie’s had burst out in the open as soon as she moved.
“See what I mean?” Hermione said. “And that’s not the only problem. Look how the material rides into the cleft of their vaginas. These outfits weren’t designed with comfort or mobility in mind; they were designed to be sexually provocative.”
And it's not like they're wizards and can charm the outfits to not do that or anything.
Hermione’s knuckles had barely touched the door when a voice called out sweetly. “Do come in Professor Granger, I’ve been expecting you.”
Hermione opened the door, but as she walked inside, the sight of a man doing sit-ups naked, momentarily took her aback.
You'd think she'd be used to that by now.
“I find the uniforms to be disgusting,” she declared. “This is a school, not a strip club. There is absolute no way the participants can take part in any physical competition without exposing themselves.
“I certainly hope not,” Rishard answered, a self-satisfied tone to his voice.
Hermione just stared at him in disbelief. She found this man totally despicable.
Rishard finished exercising, but didn’t bother putting his robes back on. Instead he stood leaning against the doorframe, one hand on his hip, studying Hermione. “I’ve been told that you are the smartest witch of our time.
I'd say he's been misinformed regarding HE!Hermione, but it's not like she's got much competition.
It’s disappointing that you haven’t figured this all out on your own. Why do you think these games are being held?”
“To promote closer unity and understanding between witches and wizards of different countries,” Hermione affirmed.
Rishard shook his head as he laughed. “Possibly that might have been one of the original intentions, but now if it occurs, it’s just a pleasant by-product. The first games I had a part in were held in Australia against New Zealand. A great deal of money and effort went into preparing for them. It had been hoped that the sale of tickets, food and souvenirs would recoup those expenses. Sadly there was not a great deal of interest in the first two rounds and it looked like we would incur a financial disaster. Then halfway through the second event, there was a slight accident.” Rishard smiled.
“A lovely young girl with extremely pleasant knobs fell out of a tree.
TIL that this can apparently refer to breasts. I'd heard "knockers", but never "knobs". Let's just say it's not the image that most readily comes to mind.
“But these are children, certainly neither our Ministry nor the U.S. Magical Government can be supporting what almost amounts to child pornography,” Hermione pleaded.
“Now, now, let’s not exaggerate,” Simone said calmly. “There are no sex acts. Why you, yourself have on numerous occasions voiced the opinion that there is nothing dirty or immoral about nudity. And contestants enter the game fully covered.”
On the one hand, we're supposed to hate Simone: that much is clear. On the other, the arguments he's making here look suspiciously like how the author himself defends Hogwarts Exposed. I'm almost tempted to say that he's the author's subconscious in open rebellion, trying to show us just how fucked-up his attitudes are.
“Wake up to the reality of the real world Professor,” Simone advised. “Money speaks. These events now make a fortune and politicians from all the counties concerned want their share. Minister Wrong approached me. I didn’t approach her.”
Hmmm. If Wrong was involved, do you suppose that reborn!Salazar will try to sabotage the tournament and kidnap them? I wonder. The sad thing is, this is actually good by the usual standard of foreshadowing in Hogwarts Exposed.
Speaking of Wrong, it's to my endless regret that I hadn't watched the Doctor Who serial "Planet of the Spiders" before her demise. Here, though, is as good a place as any to put this:
Click to view(A Potterfic villain sharing a name with one from Doctor Who. Where have we seen this before? *chinstroke*)
“But what about the children?” she pleaded. “Certainly their parents can’t approve.”
“The voices of a few troubled parents are easily drowned out by the cheers of the boisterous supporting crowds. Besides, these aren’t children, they are adolescents; in some cases, such as Miss Zacherley, almost adults. They’re not being molested or physically harmed in any way,” Rishard claimed. “Why, one might say they are simply being exposed to how much enjoyment their nubile bodies can bring to others.”
He's enjoying writing this, isn't he? I hate this fic.
“You are nothing but a filthy, sick pervert,” Hermione screamed. “My girls will not be taking part in your sex show.”
“Yes they will,” Simone said, now sounding almost threateningly. “Have you forgotten that they’ve signed a magical contract?”
“Then, they’ll wear robes over your hideous uniforms”
“I suggest you read the rules,” he empathized.
No, I don't think he's doing all that much of that. Finally, in a break with badfic tradition, Hermione hates that she doesn't have a cock. Why? Because:
He looked at her questioningly, trying to discern the abrupt change in the course of the conversation. “Why on earth would a woman as lovely as you want a penis?”
“So I could tell a deviate like you to suck my big hairy dick,” she replied.
That doesn't sound like "correct terminology" to me.
Hermione hadn’t spoken since returning to their quarters; she just sat shaking her head, a look of loathing on her face. Neither Harry nor the girls attempted to engage her in conversation. She rarely got in this type of mood, but they had all learned it was best to allow her to calm down before approaching her.
Yes, it's so rare for Hermione to be in a bad mood.
“I’d prefer to compete nude,” Jamie said emphatically to the room in general as she stared at what she was going to be forced to wear “I’m not ashamed to be seen naked, but these costumes make me feel like a sex object and they’re extremely uncomfortable.”
“I agree,” Caitlin said straight away. “It feels like someone is rubbing a rope between my legs. I vote for participating nude.”
“I can’t believe I’m agreeing,” Kim said shyly. “Although I love being nude, I’m not quite ready to parade around in front of a crowd of clothed people, but on the other hand, I can’t stand this stupid outfit. How can we possibly concentrate on the competition if we need to be constantly adjusting our uniform?” Kim took a deep breath. “If given a choice over this,” she lifted the offending garment and looked at it, “or being nude. I’ll go nude.”
What a remarkable twist nobody could possibly have seen coming!
Hermione had remained silent throughout Harry’s discussion with the girls, but when she finally spoke, she instantaneously had everyone’s undivided attention. “What if neither Rishard nor the school knows,” she said.
“Hermione!” Harry cried, shock evident in his voice. “You’re not suggesting the concealment charm are you?”
“It’s a viable option,” she said, a severe expression on her face. “It wouldn’t solve the problems of the thong bottom exposing their butt cheeks or their breasts being partially visible from the side, but it would eliminate their breasts and vagina from being totally exposed by popping out of the costume.”
I'm sure "butt cheeks" isn't "correct terminology" either. More to the point, though, if the costume is part of the magical contract then how is this not breaking the terms? And why not just use the same charm that they used for their ball outfits on the actual costumes rather than go through yet another round of contrived concealment charm bullshit?
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Harry asked, completely flabbergasted by the suggestion. “You’d let the girls spend the remainder of the year attending classes totally nude.”
“I didn’t say I was fond of the idea, Harry, but our options are extremely limited. We can’t let that bastard Rishard turn the girls into an erotic side show.” Hermione pointed out.
"That's the author's job!"
“Hermione! What about the training and the actual competition?” Jamie asked, an uneasy feeling in her stomach. “Our teammates may need to touch us in some way and we may need to touch them.”
Hermione nodded her head. “That’s the one obvious imperfection with my idea. You’ll all need to be willing to have your teammates see you nude.”
“Dick Bancroft?” Caitlin said, in a disgusted tone of voice.
Jamie looked as if she were about to be sick.
It's nothing he's not already seen, even though that chapter's events seem to have been retconned out of existence. Anyway, that conversation over, we cut to Jamie and Alex (where's he been so far in this chapter?) in wherever it is you can go to have a shag in the FPODD Exposed!Hogwarts. Because that's what they're about to do.
“So that means that you’ll be spending most of the next eight months nude,” Alex said, trying to comprehend the total ramifications of this.
“Yeah, well except for my socks and trainers, of course” Jamie said. “Truth is, that with the exception of the Yule Ball, I don’t see a reason that I’d be putting clothes on at all.
The Not-Triwizard-Honest Tournament even has its own Yule Ball. Then again, Exposed!Hogwarts holds a Yule Ball whenever the hell it wants anyway. And I do mean "whenever" - the last one was really a New Year's Ball.
“Jamie, why not just ask our housemates if they’d mind if you removed the spell while in the common room at night?” You’re going to actually be nude, why not just remove the pretence of having something on?” Alex asked.
Jamie couldn’t believe her ears. “You’d actually be okay with that? You wouldn’t mind my being starkers in front of all the other guys?”
I thought she'd already done this. More than once.
“My name isn’t Matt,” Alex declared. “I know what I have and I’ve no intentions of losing you by acting like some stupid jealous prat. You were a nudist long before we met and I’m assuming you desire to be one for the remainder of your life.”
I'm honestly surprised the author didn't say "balance" here.
“When are you going to tell the other members of the team about the decision the three of you have made?” Alex asked. “It would be quite a surprise if one of them grabbed your hand Saturday at practice and suddenly saw that you were nude.”
“Kim, Caitlin and I discussed that with Hermione,” Jamie said. “She suggested we meet with the other team members on Friday night and explain what we were doing. We’re going to suggest to the others that they use the charm also.”
“Maybe Nora will consider it, but I doubt any of the guys will. Most of us males have a hang-up about being nude, especially around other nude guys. If one naked guy glances at another he’s automatically labeled as gay. You girls handle same-sex nudity much better than us.”
"Author Doesn't Have Issues So Much As Subscriptions", Exhibit #434,456.
Alex thought for a while. “You know, even if you tell them on Friday night, it’s still going to be rather distracting when they initially see you, whether it be Saturday or whenever.”
“Yeah,” Jamie said. Then she held her breath waiting for Alex’s reaction to her next words. “That’s why we decided to let them see us naked Friday night.”
“We figured that we’d let each guy touch our hand in turn and check us out visually for a minute or two,” she said.
I know what she's saying here, but it's a ridiculous way of phrasing it. Just makes me think of "Captain, we have visual contact!" or something.
“That way it wouldn’t be nearly as stimulating when they see us the next time.”
Alex just smiled and gave Jamie a kiss on the cheek.
“What was that for?” she asked.
Alex laughed. “I sincerely doubt that seeing you naked for two minutes Friday night will cause anyone to not be stimulated the next time they see you nude. You opening one button of your blouse has the same effect on me as an Engorgement Charm and I’ve seen you nude since I was eleven.”
Nudity: completely nonsexual! They carry on in a similar vein for what seems like a lot longer than it actually is, before:
“Speaking of orgasms, I didn’t have time for dessert at dinner,” Alex informed her. “Would you mind terribly if I had it now?”
“That is something I’ll never refuse you,” she said as she laid back and spread her legs welcomingly.
We get a merciful cut, and then:
“How did you get to be so good at that?” Jamie asked, as she hugged Alex tightly, kissing him with all her heart.
“Mum always allowed me to lick the bowl when she was done icing a cake,” Alex replied. “I always stuck my face in as far as I possibly could until I’d licked out every last drop.”
...
...
...
There's nothing I can say to that. Nothing at all, except perhaps:
I'm not even sorry. I don't think the fic could have handed me a more perfect opening if it was actually trying. The best bit, though, is that I honestly think this is the first we've ever heard anything about Alex's parents.
“Alex! Have you told your parents about me yet?” Jamie asked. “How do you think they’ll feel about you dating a girl that likes to walk around in the buff?”
“I’m not sure how they’ll feel about the dating part,” Alex admitted. “I never told them we were dating. I only told them that I’d found the girl that I intended to marry.
Because that somehow doesn't imply that they're dating? What the hell kind of family does he come from?
“They want to meet you; if not before, then definitely this summer. Mum thought maybe you could come visit for a couple of weeks before we start Auror training and neither one of them has a problem with you being comfortable during your stay.”
“That’s great,” Jamie squealed. “I can’t wait to meet them.” The thought of meeting Alex’s parents put her on an emotional high. Unfortunately the thought of Auror training returned her to earth. She couldn’t bring herself to do it tonight, not with everything else going on at the moment, but she had to talk to Alex. Somehow she had to tell him that she didn’t think she was cut out to be an Auror.
This was brought on by her angst over unicorning Hooch. It actually might not be all that bad a character arc if I could bring myself to give a monkey's, but alas.
She held him as tightly as she possibly could. Would he understand? They’d both talked of being Aurors since they were thirteen. They’d looked forward to training together. Now they’d be apart. Would he still love her when she broke the news? She felt like she would be letting him down, hurting him. She knew she didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Alex, but she also knew she couldn’t live without him.
And honestly yes, her conflicted feelings could well make her doubt someone she knows in her head wouldn't mind if she quit Hogwarts and spent the rest of her life working in a pub or something. I just have zero faith in this author's ability to pull it off. Finally, as if to remind us that there's an actual plot going on, we cut to Salazar talking to Theodore Nott.
“Nott, I understand you ran into a bit of a problem with the couple you visited last evening.”
“Yes, my Lord.” Theodore Nott cried, prostrating himself at the feet of Salazar Slytherin. “I’m sorry my Lord, but they refused to enter your service. Please forgive me, my Lord. I tried my best to convince them that it was in their best interest, but they were vehement in their refusal.”
Every fic I've read seems to have its own interpretation of Nott. This one is going for "generic evil minion".
“I’d like you to return to them again before the week is out and give them another chance to join my service. Do they have anything that might perhaps be used as a bargaining chip to influence them to reevaluate their original decision?”
“Yes, my Lord. They have two children, both girls. The older attends Hogwarts, the six year old goes to the day school in Hogsmeade.”
“Hogwarts, dear Hogwarts,” Slytherin said, as if reminiscing about bygone years. “I have many memories of the school, both good and bad. When you visit them, tell them how very disappointed I was at their decision. Also, inform them that if they do not join me immediately, their daughter will not live to ever ride the Hogwarts Express again.”
He paused to twirl his moustache and cackle.
“Oh, and Nott, in order that they realize how sincere I am and how distressed I was that they didn’t answer my first calling, I want you to take them a gift on my behalf.”
“Yes, my Lord,” Nott said. “The gift my Lord, what is it to be?”
“The severed head of the youngest girl.”
I might be going out on a bit of a limb, but I think they're supposed to be evil.