In This World and the Next Chapter 14
ITWATN has no surprises left, or so I thought. We've had Percy being fed to Fluffy for nothing at all. We've had Ron (but not Ginny, Neville or Luna) being inherently prone to blood supremacy, which justifies a group of nominal adults victimising an eleven-year-old. We've had, of course, a "shit wizard" being somehow able to overpower Hermione twice. There's half the story left, but how much more WTFery can there be? Plenty, as it turns out.
The chapter opens with Neville and Millicent on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Breakfast.
Neville sat down to breakfast and was soon joined by Millie, "Morning Neville, where's Harry and Hermione?"
"Oh hi Millie,
they have some business to take care of in the muggle world. Hermione's parents are going to become Harry's guardians, you need to be at least sixteen before you can marry there. This move will cover them legally and stop eyebrows being raised at them living together."
Yay expospeak!
Millie was thrilled, this was the most Neville had said to her so far.
And the most she's been in the story so far. Why are we suddenly in her POV? Why has she suddenly become "Millie" with no explanation?
She had quickly recognised his almost paralysing shyness for what it was and her determination to coax him out of that shell of his seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. She'd known what Harry and Hermione were doing today, but Millie was resolved to use any tool or technique available to her in her bid to get Neville talking and comfortable in her presence.
Because nothing says a grand epic romance for the ages like unsolicited non-consensual psychotherapy. As I said, we've not exhausted the WTF yet.
This was going to be a long term project but Millie was positive the results would be more than worth it. She may have been amongst the first to recognise the wizard that Neville could grow into but she sure wouldn't be the last. Millie's plan was a fairly simple one, become Neville's friend, hopefully girlfriend before the better looking girls came sniffing around and she lost any chance she had.
Wasn't this basically Percy's plan with Penelope, except that was meant to have retrospectively justified feeding him to Fluffy? Similarly, in one of the author's many other fics (Knowledge is Power, aka The One With The Squirrel) Millicent - who's also "Millie" there - rapes Ron. Whereupon Harry and Hermione go back in time to take pre-emptive revenge on his behalf, because of course they don't. Some authors indulge in protagonist-centred morality, but this one worships at the feet of its dread idol.
Nice guys like Neville were extremely hard to find, Hermione didn't waste anytime in taking her boy off the market.
Quite aside from the run-on sentence suggesting that Hermione had taken Neville off the market, I don't think the author could have phrased this any more unfortunately if he'd tried. Even when the author for once has female characters actually taking the initiative in their relationships, which is more than Hogwarts Exposed ever did, he throws in so much creeping fucking bullshit that I can't even give even marginal credit for that.
Glancing around the hall he could quickly see the trend that began after their trip to the theme park was not only continuing but spreading, people were sitting with their friends irrespective of house.
Why do so many fix-fics futz around with the house system, anyway? I can see some of the criticisms, sure, but a lot of fandom seems to be under the impression that Hogwarts houses are the be-all and end-all of wizarding society and only destroying it entirely can bring balance to the Force or whatever. Maybe because they went to schools that didn't have houses themselves, so have no point of reference.
The only table not to participate was of course Slytherin, it remained exclusively attended by students bearing green on their robes.
If the robes are colour-coded for your convenience, then how the hell did Harry and Ron mistake Penelope for a Slytherin in Chamber of Secrets? Do they both have blue-green colour blindness? (It can't even be that, because Harry's POV is clearly shown distinguishing blue and green in other scenes.)
There were five Slytherin first years spread over the other three tables but no one else had risked sitting at their house table yet. Malfoy's almost permanent scowl and Weasley's eating habits might have had something to do with that though.
Draco I'll give you, but why is everyone so horrified at someone having the temerity to eat in a dining room? And why's that supposed to reflect badly on Ron rather than on all the judgemental arseholes?
Millie asked Neville a question about his Herbology homework and he agreed to meet her later in the library to help, maybe she was interested in him as a boyfriend? Until he met Harry and Hermione he'd never even had a friend before, his utter dread of rejection would probably mean Millie would need to ask him out!
Neville though was totally unaware that Millie, being a very smart girl, had already figured that out. She would just bide her time and wait for the right moment.
And I can't even tell whose POV this is meant to be. Good going there.
Harry was disappointed in the courtroom, too many years of spying from his cupboard as his Aunt Petunia watched her legal dramas left him expecting more. There was no jury and the judge didn't wear a wig, as he was follically challenged Harry thought this might have made Judge McGhee appear a bit more impressive.
Sure, let's take a detour into "real courts aren't like on TV". Actually, I don't mind: if I wasn't a sucker for all that "have you ever noticed that this always happens on TV?" stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much time on TVTropes over the years. And it does make some sense in context, even with Lord Potter being really eighteen rather than eleven, and maybe someone with better knowledge of late-'80s/early-'90s UK courtroom dramas might have a better idea of which actual shows Petunia was watching.
Although this was Harry's first dealings with the muggle legal system, he had been tried twice and instigated his godfather's trial in the magical world. Although the outcome of the last one was everything they could have hoped for, Harry was hoping for a bit less drama here today.
And he gets his wish. In its way, this is a nice enough scene. Or it would be, if this version of Harry didn't grate on me so badly. There's just hardly any conflict there, because its outcome is a foregone conclusion. Nobody is contesting his adoption, and there are no last-minute revelations or anything like that. If the Boy Who Lived got put up for adoption, I think there'd be a lot of wizards coming out of the woodwork wanting to raise him, all with their own agendas and motivations: I've seen this in other Harry adoption fics. Instead, let's go back to Hogwarts.
Albus felt a tightness in his chest as Remus escorted the Potters' lawyer into Hogwarts for their appointment with Minerva. The headmaster felt like a trapped animal, aware of the approaching storm but unable to do anything about it. All the experience and advantages he'd spent decades building had been whittled away until even his own students no longer respected him, far less held him in the reverence Albus felt he'd not only earned but deserved.
Dumbledore's motivations make sod all sense in this fic. If he craves respect and power this much, why did he refuse to become Minister for Magic? It's like the author is writing books-era!Dumbledore as the Grindelwald-influenced "For The Greater Good*"!Dumbledore, ignoring the intervening decades of character development. Despite not even liking Deathly Hallows anyway.
* THE GREATER GOOD
He could find no trace of this mystery author who was writing a devastating expose of his life, nor it would seem do anything to stop both Potters and Black dragging him to court. The Potters had very effectively courted the support of the ministry, the British wizarding public as well as the staff and students of Hogwarts.
More accurately, the author had very effectively written the Ministry, the British wizarding public and the staff and students of Hogwarts as a bunch of credulous buffoons.
Dumbledore was left not only without allies but facing trouble and condemnation no matter which direction he turned. It all hinged with the Potters, Albus could no longer think in terms of just Harry. That wife of his was as fierce as a tiger in defence of her mate, leaving the old headmaster with no idea where to turn next.
What, precisely, has Hermione done for herself in this fic?
Albus decided to wait until Halloween before thinking of removing the stone from Hogwarts, if the Potters and Sirius Black were successful in the courts then he didn't think he would be spending Christmas in the castle. He wasn't worried about being flung into Azkaban, Fawkes would have him out of there in a flash. His greatest concern was losing the position of Headmaster, that would start the downward spiral toward becoming Albus Nobody.
And, you know, Voldemort getting the Stone. Let's not forget that, considering it's the entire reason that he even has the bloody thing in the first place.
Ron Weasley had to do something, his entire Hogwarts experience was turning sourer than last month's milk. He tried hard not to stare at how the rest of his year mates were spending lunchtime, talking, laughing and joking with each other, comparing this to what he had available to him did not make for pretty viewing. Draco was so insanely jealous of Potter that he wouldn't actually speak of it, only his father's direct orders stopped the blond boy from plotting some form of revenge. Pansy was Pansy, the only thing she was interested in was Draco. Crabbe and Goyle were harder to get a read on, that could be because there was nothing there to actually read!
Ron couldn't spend the next seven years like this. He never expected to be the centre of attention but to be sidelined and completely ignored was as unexpected as it was unacceptable. Again his mental focus shifted to what the redhead attributed the root of all his problems to, Potter!
POTTERRR!
He needed something to bring the golden boy down a peg or two, just to let everyone see their idol wasn't perfect. Ron decided the hat must have placed him in Slytherin for a reason, it was time to be sneaky about the situation. One gesture wasn't going to turn this around but any dent in the golden git's shininess would be a start.
He then had a brainwave, challenge the arse to a duel at midnight. Not only would he be safely tucked up in bed, he would make sure Filch and that bloody cat of his were lying in wait for them.
Get it, because that's what Draco did in canon? Bow before the genius that is this author! And, of course, what he's forgetting is that in canon it wasn't a stupid plan and very nearly worked.
A spell of detention should tarnish the gloss of Mr Perfect and spoil any plans they had for the weekend, it wasn't much but at least it was a start. His pause for thinking over, Ron went back to what he does best, eating.
Behold our terrible antagonist!
Harry was also having lunch,
But Lord Potter can eat what he likes without fear of judgement, of course.
sitting in a very nice restaurant with his new legal guardians, his godfather and of course Hermione, his wife who wouldn't tell him what she was cooking-up that required the help of the goblins. While Harry had been at Quidditch practice last evening, Hermione had used the map and cloak to remove a certain item from the room of requirements.
I can see the need for stealth, but what good is the Marauder's Map for retrieving an object? Does the author think that the Horcruxes are helpfully labelled "Tom Riddle" on it? Does it even work in the Room of Requirement even if he does?
After handing Ravenclaw's diadem over to Barchoke for removal of Voldemort's horcrux, she had casually said that the matter she had written to him about could now proceed.
Yeah, just hand a fucking Horcrux over for "removal" like it's nothing. I'd love it if the goblins weren't removing the Horcruxes, but actually collecting them to use their dark energy in the next rebellion.
It had been a very busy meeting with Barchoke confirming that the purchase of the Gaunt and Riddle land would go ahead within days. He also provided brochures of plots of land for sale in their preferred Australian locations, Hermione's attempt to slip that past was caught by her husband. Between her refusal to tell him what she was up to and the constant 'wait and see' reply from Sirius regarding his plans for the diary, Harry would normally be working himself into a strop.
Which is his default mode in this fic.
This was not a normal day though, today he never had to see the Dursleys ever again while mum and dad officially became just that, mum and dad. Nothing was going to spoil his good mood today, especially since he was conducting his own correspondence with the goblins, he was just sneakier about it.
Both Harry and Hermione felt a bit like jugglers as they tried to keep their eyes on everything that was happening around them, they agreed though that this was so much better than bumbling about with only the meagre clues Dumbledore saw fit to drop in their direction. It was also important to them that they did not step over the line where they were manipulating people, Remus and Tonks aside, they were letting people see different options and allowing them to choose for themselves.
Of course, the fact that they're all idiots helps. But no, he's not trying to manipulate people at all. Except the ones he's manipulating for their own good, of course.
He was glad his theory about Dumbledore appeared to be correct, that of a powerful old wizard living off his past glories. He hadn't taught a class for forty-five years and his contact with students appeared to be observing them at mealtimes, no wonder he had a hard time understanding two muggle raised students. The old wizard may be a powerful genius but his eccentricities would have generated multiple alarms in the muggle health care system. The alternative to this view would mean Dumbledore was aware of far too much to remain a light sided wizard. Harry's treatment at Privet Drive, Quirrell, the Basilisk, Sirius being innocent, Crouch Jr and that bloody tournament were just some of the things that sprang to mind. If Dumbledore was the all-knowing, all-powerful wizard he tried to portray himself as, these events must have been at least known, if not engineered by the headmaster.
I spoke too soon about the author having taken Deathly Hallows on board: the whole point of Dumbledore's posthumous character arc in that book was that he wasn't all-knowing and all-powerful, and his experiences had left him under no illusions that he was. If Lord Potter was being presented as a Harry struggling to come to terms with the realisation that Dumbledore wasn't perfect, then this might have worked; he's just too sure of himself for that to fit.
He was also delighted to see the change in Hermione since they decided they would be heading out of the country after Halloween, knowing she didn't have to face Ginny after Ron's date with the troll had brightened her mood considerably.
"We no longer have to face the grieving ten-year-old sister of the kid we're feeding to a troll! Yay!"
Whether the move became permanent would depend entirely on the British magical community, they had provided some nudges and even downright pushes but it was still going to be up to the people to decide. One thing was for sure though, they wouldn't be caught coming back to Britain unawares this time. If things went pear shaped again, they would just make Australia their home and coax as many of their friends to join them as they could.
They could even set up their own school and give it a scatological acronym.
Charlie was getting short on time, he still had to visit Muriel and collect mum's clock. Ginny though was insisting that he visit the site of their old home. Charlie was reluctant but it would make his sister happy and mean less time to spend with Muriel, how could he say no to that?
Emma's day was getting better and better, their new home was all they had dreamed and designed. The real clincher though was being told they could move in at the end of the month, realism then hit Emma with a vengeance. That was next week and they'd never be ready!
This is a first: we've got the POV hopping between two characters who aren't even in the same physical location. (Unless the ever-popular Featureless Plane counts as a location.) Yes, they're both apparently heading for the site of the former Burrow and future Château du Prick, but there's been no scene setting at all.
Hermione could see where her mother's mind was racing, "Mum, don't panic. You have three people who can perform magic staying in the house, we can shrink everything into a couple of trunks before driving down here and expanding it again.
Harry then revealed some of his secret dealings with the goblins by handing Emma a credit card in her name, "This is to buy anything you need for the house, please also use it to book the flights once we've settled on a destination."
How is that a dialogue tag?
The contractor meanwhile had been having a quick word with his workers, all were very keen to head off to Australia and build their second Potter home. When he considered the prestige, the profit and missing a month of the British winter to enjoy Australian sunshine, there really was no decision to make. They would all be spending the month of October in Australia.
Because apparently there aren't any Australian builders who could have done the job.
Harry and Hermione heard the voices of their friends calling on them, turning they immediately spotted Luna and Ginny running toward them. That they were accompanied by Charlie caused Hermione to draw her wand, she didn't expect to need it but appearances had to be maintained.
What the fuck has Charlie ever done to them?
Charlie's mixed feelings about seeing his old home disappeared the instant he laid eyes on the site. The area before him bore as much relation to the Burrow as a Komodo Dragon did to a Hungarian Horntail. It wasn't just the beautiful house either, the entire landscape had changed beyond recognition.
And beyond, apparently, the author's powers of description. I like how the mere sight of the new McMansion - incomplete, at that - is somehow able to completely wipe away Charlie's conflicted feelings. Can a building be a Mary Sue?
Charlie said hello to the Grangers and was introduced to Sirius Black before he felt compelled to say something about the situation. "Excuse me Miss, I mean you no harm. There really is no need for you to have your wand in hand."
Hermione's response was not what Charlie expected. "I'm not a Miss but Lady Hermione Potter.
You're a stuck-up fucking arsehole.
You claim to mean us no harm but experience has taught me that, until I get to know them then no one can be trusted."
"That's a pretty grim view of life you have there Lady Potter."
Hermione came right back at him, "When you're sitting in school eating breakfast and your husband gets attacked by a madwoman, there really isn't a lot of options left open to you."
Who didn't even have a wand, let's not forget.
Charlie had no answer to that, especially when Ginny threw in her two Knuts worth. "Mum would have gone for a repeat performance in the Leaky Cauldron if dad hadn't silenced and put a full body bind on her. Sorry Charlie but Hermione is right to be careful, I know you would never do anything like that but they don't. Fred and George got the same treatment until they were found to be trustworthy."
This dialogue doesn't belong to any ten-year-old I've ever seen outside of Hogwarts Exposed: it almost sounds as though Lady Potter (bleurgh) is speaking through Ginny here. As we've already seen, the author doesn't distinguish character voices. At all.
Charlie's visit to his aunt's was short but certainly not sweet, that woman would still be sour if she was buried up to her armpits in sugar. He hated to think of Ginny staying with this vile woman, she wouldn't be the happy, vivacious young girl he saw today if she lived under this roof. Charlie was forced to listen as this septic old spinster denounced and degraded every single member of the Weasley clan, by the time her rant had reached Ginny he'd had more than enough. Charlie dealt with real dragons daily, as poisonous as Muriel was she's a pale imitation to the real thing.
Yes, we get it, ITWATN!Muriel is basically Bellatrix Lestrange in a pink hat. Charlie gives her a piece of his mind and she blows up Molly's clock for the evulz.
Next morning an owl delivered a thick envelope to the Weasleys in Cairo, it was with shaking hands that Arthur opened it.
It was another offer to exchange Molly for stereotypical livestock.
He pulled out Percy's journal, five small packets and a goblin bank draft, it was the enclosed letter from Charlie that the three were really waiting on.
Arthur read it out loud to save the other two from waiting to read it.
Mum, Dad and Bill,
I spoke to the ministry and Minerva, all are of the opinion that Percy has run away and currently laying low.
Charlie has the same propensity for run-on sentences as the author, it seems.
I have enclosed his diary which gives a very good insight into what he was feeling at the time.
Which was exactly the same as what Millicent is currently feeling and acting on right now.
Twins are very well although Ron appears to have some trouble settling at Hogwarts, apart from the strangeness of seeing a Weasley wearing the green there's also the matter of
... the strangeness of anyone wearing green when the Hogwarts uniform is black.
him being friendly with the Malfoy boy. Both have managed to alienate themselves from the rest of the school due to their continual bad mouthing of the Potters.
Because how dare anyone say anything against the noble Lord Potter!
Ginny on the other hand is happier than I've seen her and getting along brilliantly not only with Luna but her new neighbours the Potters. I dread to think what she would have turned out like had she been left in the care of that vicious bitch Muriel.
I have to apologise mum, Muriel was bad-mouthing our family something fierce when I had enough and blew my top. The reason I need to apologise is the bitch destroyed your clock in a childish fit of temper. I know you need a hair from each of us for a clock to work so I raced back to Hogwarts to collect three hairs, followed by a trip to see Ginny and then one of my own should cover most of us.
[snip]
Bill tugged one from his own head and promised to see about a new clock for his mum today.
Well, that was a completely pointless digression, wasn't it? Molly's prized clock is blown up! Angst! Oh, no, wait, we can replace it! I'm guessing it's all so that nobody notices that Percy is actually dead. Until Dumbledore retrieves the Stone and finds whatever parts of him the Devil's Snare couldn't digest, of course.
Narcissa Malfoy almost choked on her breakfast as she read the letter that had been delivered by an unknown owl. Lucius couldn't help but notice his normally cultivated and cultured wife spraying coffee over the table, he enquired who the letter was from.
Someone had hexed the coffee so that anyone who drank it would do a spit-take.
"It's from the head of the Black family.
Gah, Head of Black flashbacks.
He's citing you belonging to an organisation that murdered his brother as breaking the contract of our marriage. Death eaters killing the heir to the house of Black is more than enough legal justification for this to be quickly passed."
It was now Licius's turn to do a spit take at the breakfast table,
I told you so.
"What? He can't do that! I was under the Imperius curse, everyone knows that."
Narcissa hated pointing out the obvious, a task that she supposed she should be used to by now with the Malfoy males. "It would appear neither Sirius Black nor the goblins believe that claim, the fact that you never stood trial under veritaserum doesn't help your case either.
Veritaserum in the Robstverse is apparently infallible. In canon, of course, the reason it's not used in trials is because it's anything but. So anyway, Lucius and Narcissa stake their future on Draco coming through and dethroning Lord Potter. I almost feel sorry for them.
In Little Whining a similar scene was being played out at number four Privet Drive, but for an entirely different reason.
Someone had stolen the G.
Vernon was wiping off the fruit juice his wife had just spat all over him, his growl demanded an explanation from the clearly excited woman.
"Vernon, you won't believe this but after spending all those years entering my 'stupid' competitions, we finally hit the jackpot! I've just won an all expenses paid around the world cruise for two."
Vernon stared at his wife, awaiting the punch line of this very bad taste joke. Instead she handed him the letter to read for himself. The walrus started to become as excited as his wife as everything looked to be the genuine article, an all inclusive five star cruise around the world. Spending the coming winter cruising sunnier climes for free was certainly appealing., in his mind Vernon was already picturing the both of them on the deck of the cruise liner.
He would have to take unpaid leave as his holidays wouldn't stretch to this, Dudley would have to either spend Christmas at Smeltings or with Marge. He intended to investigate this strenuously before saying a word to anyone. When it proved to be genuine then Vernon would soon ensure that everyone heard that he and his wife would be cruising around the world.
Petunia was daydreaming of finally being able to mix with the kind of people she was supposed to be amongst, her bridge club would be green with envy when they heard of her good fortune. Like her husband, Petunia would ensure they heard about it, oh how they would hear about it!
Now this is a dead-on, if more than a little clichéd, satire of the behaviour of people like the Dursleys. The whole keeping up with the neighbours, proving that they've got money thing. An honest credit where it's due moment. Strange that it should come from an author who otherwise glorifies conspicuous consumption.
Jessie Wallace managed to mention her trip to Rome at least every third sentence she spoke, Petunia would be dining at the captain's table while visiting exotic places like Cape Town, Hong Kong and Singapore.
And this is the part where I fell off my chair. Why? Because Jessie Wallace plays Kat Slater in EastEnders. I can't think of a less fitting cameo for the arch-snob of Petunia Dursley's bridge club.
I placed a poll on my profile page to give readers a chance to influence what happens to Ron in this story. I have received numerous reviews on the matter and can see all sides of this argument. I will close the poll just before I post the particular chapter that deals with the troll, whichever option has the most votes at that time will be the one that makes it into the story. if you don't vote then you can't complain about the result!
Oh, great, the consequences of the troll attack were by popular demand. That makes it so much better. I don't think.
The chapter opens with Neville and Millicent on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Breakfast.
Neville sat down to breakfast and was soon joined by Millie, "Morning Neville, where's Harry and Hermione?"
"Oh hi Millie,
Click to viewthey have some business to take care of in the muggle world. Hermione's parents are going to become Harry's guardians, you need to be at least sixteen before you can marry there. This move will cover them legally and stop eyebrows being raised at them living together."
Yay expospeak!
Millie was thrilled, this was the most Neville had said to her so far.
And the most she's been in the story so far. Why are we suddenly in her POV? Why has she suddenly become "Millie" with no explanation?
She had quickly recognised his almost paralysing shyness for what it was and her determination to coax him out of that shell of his seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. She'd known what Harry and Hermione were doing today, but Millie was resolved to use any tool or technique available to her in her bid to get Neville talking and comfortable in her presence.
Because nothing says a grand epic romance for the ages like unsolicited non-consensual psychotherapy. As I said, we've not exhausted the WTF yet.
This was going to be a long term project but Millie was positive the results would be more than worth it. She may have been amongst the first to recognise the wizard that Neville could grow into but she sure wouldn't be the last. Millie's plan was a fairly simple one, become Neville's friend, hopefully girlfriend before the better looking girls came sniffing around and she lost any chance she had.
Wasn't this basically Percy's plan with Penelope, except that was meant to have retrospectively justified feeding him to Fluffy? Similarly, in one of the author's many other fics (Knowledge is Power, aka The One With The Squirrel) Millicent - who's also "Millie" there - rapes Ron. Whereupon Harry and Hermione go back in time to take pre-emptive revenge on his behalf, because of course they don't. Some authors indulge in protagonist-centred morality, but this one worships at the feet of its dread idol.
Nice guys like Neville were extremely hard to find, Hermione didn't waste anytime in taking her boy off the market.
Quite aside from the run-on sentence suggesting that Hermione had taken Neville off the market, I don't think the author could have phrased this any more unfortunately if he'd tried. Even when the author for once has female characters actually taking the initiative in their relationships, which is more than Hogwarts Exposed ever did, he throws in so much creeping fucking bullshit that I can't even give even marginal credit for that.
Glancing around the hall he could quickly see the trend that began after their trip to the theme park was not only continuing but spreading, people were sitting with their friends irrespective of house.
Why do so many fix-fics futz around with the house system, anyway? I can see some of the criticisms, sure, but a lot of fandom seems to be under the impression that Hogwarts houses are the be-all and end-all of wizarding society and only destroying it entirely can bring balance to the Force or whatever. Maybe because they went to schools that didn't have houses themselves, so have no point of reference.
The only table not to participate was of course Slytherin, it remained exclusively attended by students bearing green on their robes.
If the robes are colour-coded for your convenience, then how the hell did Harry and Ron mistake Penelope for a Slytherin in Chamber of Secrets? Do they both have blue-green colour blindness? (It can't even be that, because Harry's POV is clearly shown distinguishing blue and green in other scenes.)
There were five Slytherin first years spread over the other three tables but no one else had risked sitting at their house table yet. Malfoy's almost permanent scowl and Weasley's eating habits might have had something to do with that though.
Draco I'll give you, but why is everyone so horrified at someone having the temerity to eat in a dining room? And why's that supposed to reflect badly on Ron rather than on all the judgemental arseholes?
Millie asked Neville a question about his Herbology homework and he agreed to meet her later in the library to help, maybe she was interested in him as a boyfriend? Until he met Harry and Hermione he'd never even had a friend before, his utter dread of rejection would probably mean Millie would need to ask him out!
Neville though was totally unaware that Millie, being a very smart girl, had already figured that out. She would just bide her time and wait for the right moment.
And I can't even tell whose POV this is meant to be. Good going there.
Harry was disappointed in the courtroom, too many years of spying from his cupboard as his Aunt Petunia watched her legal dramas left him expecting more. There was no jury and the judge didn't wear a wig, as he was follically challenged Harry thought this might have made Judge McGhee appear a bit more impressive.
Sure, let's take a detour into "real courts aren't like on TV". Actually, I don't mind: if I wasn't a sucker for all that "have you ever noticed that this always happens on TV?" stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much time on TVTropes over the years. And it does make some sense in context, even with Lord Potter being really eighteen rather than eleven, and maybe someone with better knowledge of late-'80s/early-'90s UK courtroom dramas might have a better idea of which actual shows Petunia was watching.
Although this was Harry's first dealings with the muggle legal system, he had been tried twice and instigated his godfather's trial in the magical world. Although the outcome of the last one was everything they could have hoped for, Harry was hoping for a bit less drama here today.
And he gets his wish. In its way, this is a nice enough scene. Or it would be, if this version of Harry didn't grate on me so badly. There's just hardly any conflict there, because its outcome is a foregone conclusion. Nobody is contesting his adoption, and there are no last-minute revelations or anything like that. If the Boy Who Lived got put up for adoption, I think there'd be a lot of wizards coming out of the woodwork wanting to raise him, all with their own agendas and motivations: I've seen this in other Harry adoption fics. Instead, let's go back to Hogwarts.
Albus felt a tightness in his chest as Remus escorted the Potters' lawyer into Hogwarts for their appointment with Minerva. The headmaster felt like a trapped animal, aware of the approaching storm but unable to do anything about it. All the experience and advantages he'd spent decades building had been whittled away until even his own students no longer respected him, far less held him in the reverence Albus felt he'd not only earned but deserved.
Dumbledore's motivations make sod all sense in this fic. If he craves respect and power this much, why did he refuse to become Minister for Magic? It's like the author is writing books-era!Dumbledore as the Grindelwald-influenced "For The Greater Good*"!Dumbledore, ignoring the intervening decades of character development. Despite not even liking Deathly Hallows anyway.
* THE GREATER GOOD
He could find no trace of this mystery author who was writing a devastating expose of his life, nor it would seem do anything to stop both Potters and Black dragging him to court. The Potters had very effectively courted the support of the ministry, the British wizarding public as well as the staff and students of Hogwarts.
More accurately, the author had very effectively written the Ministry, the British wizarding public and the staff and students of Hogwarts as a bunch of credulous buffoons.
Dumbledore was left not only without allies but facing trouble and condemnation no matter which direction he turned. It all hinged with the Potters, Albus could no longer think in terms of just Harry. That wife of his was as fierce as a tiger in defence of her mate, leaving the old headmaster with no idea where to turn next.
What, precisely, has Hermione done for herself in this fic?
Albus decided to wait until Halloween before thinking of removing the stone from Hogwarts, if the Potters and Sirius Black were successful in the courts then he didn't think he would be spending Christmas in the castle. He wasn't worried about being flung into Azkaban, Fawkes would have him out of there in a flash. His greatest concern was losing the position of Headmaster, that would start the downward spiral toward becoming Albus Nobody.
And, you know, Voldemort getting the Stone. Let's not forget that, considering it's the entire reason that he even has the bloody thing in the first place.
Ron Weasley had to do something, his entire Hogwarts experience was turning sourer than last month's milk. He tried hard not to stare at how the rest of his year mates were spending lunchtime, talking, laughing and joking with each other, comparing this to what he had available to him did not make for pretty viewing. Draco was so insanely jealous of Potter that he wouldn't actually speak of it, only his father's direct orders stopped the blond boy from plotting some form of revenge. Pansy was Pansy, the only thing she was interested in was Draco. Crabbe and Goyle were harder to get a read on, that could be because there was nothing there to actually read!
Ron couldn't spend the next seven years like this. He never expected to be the centre of attention but to be sidelined and completely ignored was as unexpected as it was unacceptable. Again his mental focus shifted to what the redhead attributed the root of all his problems to, Potter!
POTTERRR!
He needed something to bring the golden boy down a peg or two, just to let everyone see their idol wasn't perfect. Ron decided the hat must have placed him in Slytherin for a reason, it was time to be sneaky about the situation. One gesture wasn't going to turn this around but any dent in the golden git's shininess would be a start.
He then had a brainwave, challenge the arse to a duel at midnight. Not only would he be safely tucked up in bed, he would make sure Filch and that bloody cat of his were lying in wait for them.
Get it, because that's what Draco did in canon? Bow before the genius that is this author! And, of course, what he's forgetting is that in canon it wasn't a stupid plan and very nearly worked.
A spell of detention should tarnish the gloss of Mr Perfect and spoil any plans they had for the weekend, it wasn't much but at least it was a start. His pause for thinking over, Ron went back to what he does best, eating.
Behold our terrible antagonist!
Harry was also having lunch,
But Lord Potter can eat what he likes without fear of judgement, of course.
sitting in a very nice restaurant with his new legal guardians, his godfather and of course Hermione, his wife who wouldn't tell him what she was cooking-up that required the help of the goblins. While Harry had been at Quidditch practice last evening, Hermione had used the map and cloak to remove a certain item from the room of requirements.
I can see the need for stealth, but what good is the Marauder's Map for retrieving an object? Does the author think that the Horcruxes are helpfully labelled "Tom Riddle" on it? Does it even work in the Room of Requirement even if he does?
After handing Ravenclaw's diadem over to Barchoke for removal of Voldemort's horcrux, she had casually said that the matter she had written to him about could now proceed.
Yeah, just hand a fucking Horcrux over for "removal" like it's nothing. I'd love it if the goblins weren't removing the Horcruxes, but actually collecting them to use their dark energy in the next rebellion.
It had been a very busy meeting with Barchoke confirming that the purchase of the Gaunt and Riddle land would go ahead within days. He also provided brochures of plots of land for sale in their preferred Australian locations, Hermione's attempt to slip that past was caught by her husband. Between her refusal to tell him what she was up to and the constant 'wait and see' reply from Sirius regarding his plans for the diary, Harry would normally be working himself into a strop.
Which is his default mode in this fic.
This was not a normal day though, today he never had to see the Dursleys ever again while mum and dad officially became just that, mum and dad. Nothing was going to spoil his good mood today, especially since he was conducting his own correspondence with the goblins, he was just sneakier about it.
Both Harry and Hermione felt a bit like jugglers as they tried to keep their eyes on everything that was happening around them, they agreed though that this was so much better than bumbling about with only the meagre clues Dumbledore saw fit to drop in their direction. It was also important to them that they did not step over the line where they were manipulating people, Remus and Tonks aside, they were letting people see different options and allowing them to choose for themselves.
Of course, the fact that they're all idiots helps. But no, he's not trying to manipulate people at all. Except the ones he's manipulating for their own good, of course.
He was glad his theory about Dumbledore appeared to be correct, that of a powerful old wizard living off his past glories. He hadn't taught a class for forty-five years and his contact with students appeared to be observing them at mealtimes, no wonder he had a hard time understanding two muggle raised students. The old wizard may be a powerful genius but his eccentricities would have generated multiple alarms in the muggle health care system. The alternative to this view would mean Dumbledore was aware of far too much to remain a light sided wizard. Harry's treatment at Privet Drive, Quirrell, the Basilisk, Sirius being innocent, Crouch Jr and that bloody tournament were just some of the things that sprang to mind. If Dumbledore was the all-knowing, all-powerful wizard he tried to portray himself as, these events must have been at least known, if not engineered by the headmaster.
I spoke too soon about the author having taken Deathly Hallows on board: the whole point of Dumbledore's posthumous character arc in that book was that he wasn't all-knowing and all-powerful, and his experiences had left him under no illusions that he was. If Lord Potter was being presented as a Harry struggling to come to terms with the realisation that Dumbledore wasn't perfect, then this might have worked; he's just too sure of himself for that to fit.
He was also delighted to see the change in Hermione since they decided they would be heading out of the country after Halloween, knowing she didn't have to face Ginny after Ron's date with the troll had brightened her mood considerably.
"We no longer have to face the grieving ten-year-old sister of the kid we're feeding to a troll! Yay!"
Whether the move became permanent would depend entirely on the British magical community, they had provided some nudges and even downright pushes but it was still going to be up to the people to decide. One thing was for sure though, they wouldn't be caught coming back to Britain unawares this time. If things went pear shaped again, they would just make Australia their home and coax as many of their friends to join them as they could.
They could even set up their own school and give it a scatological acronym.
Charlie was getting short on time, he still had to visit Muriel and collect mum's clock. Ginny though was insisting that he visit the site of their old home. Charlie was reluctant but it would make his sister happy and mean less time to spend with Muriel, how could he say no to that?
Emma's day was getting better and better, their new home was all they had dreamed and designed. The real clincher though was being told they could move in at the end of the month, realism then hit Emma with a vengeance. That was next week and they'd never be ready!
This is a first: we've got the POV hopping between two characters who aren't even in the same physical location. (Unless the ever-popular Featureless Plane counts as a location.) Yes, they're both apparently heading for the site of the former Burrow and future Château du Prick, but there's been no scene setting at all.
Hermione could see where her mother's mind was racing, "Mum, don't panic. You have three people who can perform magic staying in the house, we can shrink everything into a couple of trunks before driving down here and expanding it again.
Harry then revealed some of his secret dealings with the goblins by handing Emma a credit card in her name, "This is to buy anything you need for the house, please also use it to book the flights once we've settled on a destination."
How is that a dialogue tag?
The contractor meanwhile had been having a quick word with his workers, all were very keen to head off to Australia and build their second Potter home. When he considered the prestige, the profit and missing a month of the British winter to enjoy Australian sunshine, there really was no decision to make. They would all be spending the month of October in Australia.
Because apparently there aren't any Australian builders who could have done the job.
Harry and Hermione heard the voices of their friends calling on them, turning they immediately spotted Luna and Ginny running toward them. That they were accompanied by Charlie caused Hermione to draw her wand, she didn't expect to need it but appearances had to be maintained.
What the fuck has Charlie ever done to them?
Charlie's mixed feelings about seeing his old home disappeared the instant he laid eyes on the site. The area before him bore as much relation to the Burrow as a Komodo Dragon did to a Hungarian Horntail. It wasn't just the beautiful house either, the entire landscape had changed beyond recognition.
And beyond, apparently, the author's powers of description. I like how the mere sight of the new McMansion - incomplete, at that - is somehow able to completely wipe away Charlie's conflicted feelings. Can a building be a Mary Sue?
Charlie said hello to the Grangers and was introduced to Sirius Black before he felt compelled to say something about the situation. "Excuse me Miss, I mean you no harm. There really is no need for you to have your wand in hand."
Hermione's response was not what Charlie expected. "I'm not a Miss but Lady Hermione Potter.
You're a stuck-up fucking arsehole.
You claim to mean us no harm but experience has taught me that, until I get to know them then no one can be trusted."
"That's a pretty grim view of life you have there Lady Potter."
Hermione came right back at him, "When you're sitting in school eating breakfast and your husband gets attacked by a madwoman, there really isn't a lot of options left open to you."
Who didn't even have a wand, let's not forget.
Charlie had no answer to that, especially when Ginny threw in her two Knuts worth. "Mum would have gone for a repeat performance in the Leaky Cauldron if dad hadn't silenced and put a full body bind on her. Sorry Charlie but Hermione is right to be careful, I know you would never do anything like that but they don't. Fred and George got the same treatment until they were found to be trustworthy."
This dialogue doesn't belong to any ten-year-old I've ever seen outside of Hogwarts Exposed: it almost sounds as though Lady Potter (bleurgh) is speaking through Ginny here. As we've already seen, the author doesn't distinguish character voices. At all.
Charlie's visit to his aunt's was short but certainly not sweet, that woman would still be sour if she was buried up to her armpits in sugar. He hated to think of Ginny staying with this vile woman, she wouldn't be the happy, vivacious young girl he saw today if she lived under this roof. Charlie was forced to listen as this septic old spinster denounced and degraded every single member of the Weasley clan, by the time her rant had reached Ginny he'd had more than enough. Charlie dealt with real dragons daily, as poisonous as Muriel was she's a pale imitation to the real thing.
Yes, we get it, ITWATN!Muriel is basically Bellatrix Lestrange in a pink hat. Charlie gives her a piece of his mind and she blows up Molly's clock for the evulz.
Next morning an owl delivered a thick envelope to the Weasleys in Cairo, it was with shaking hands that Arthur opened it.
It was another offer to exchange Molly for stereotypical livestock.
He pulled out Percy's journal, five small packets and a goblin bank draft, it was the enclosed letter from Charlie that the three were really waiting on.
Arthur read it out loud to save the other two from waiting to read it.
Mum, Dad and Bill,
I spoke to the ministry and Minerva, all are of the opinion that Percy has run away and currently laying low.
Charlie has the same propensity for run-on sentences as the author, it seems.
I have enclosed his diary which gives a very good insight into what he was feeling at the time.
Which was exactly the same as what Millicent is currently feeling and acting on right now.
Twins are very well although Ron appears to have some trouble settling at Hogwarts, apart from the strangeness of seeing a Weasley wearing the green there's also the matter of
... the strangeness of anyone wearing green when the Hogwarts uniform is black.
him being friendly with the Malfoy boy. Both have managed to alienate themselves from the rest of the school due to their continual bad mouthing of the Potters.
Because how dare anyone say anything against the noble Lord Potter!
Ginny on the other hand is happier than I've seen her and getting along brilliantly not only with Luna but her new neighbours the Potters. I dread to think what she would have turned out like had she been left in the care of that vicious bitch Muriel.
I have to apologise mum, Muriel was bad-mouthing our family something fierce when I had enough and blew my top. The reason I need to apologise is the bitch destroyed your clock in a childish fit of temper. I know you need a hair from each of us for a clock to work so I raced back to Hogwarts to collect three hairs, followed by a trip to see Ginny and then one of my own should cover most of us.
[snip]
Bill tugged one from his own head and promised to see about a new clock for his mum today.
Well, that was a completely pointless digression, wasn't it? Molly's prized clock is blown up! Angst! Oh, no, wait, we can replace it! I'm guessing it's all so that nobody notices that Percy is actually dead. Until Dumbledore retrieves the Stone and finds whatever parts of him the Devil's Snare couldn't digest, of course.
Narcissa Malfoy almost choked on her breakfast as she read the letter that had been delivered by an unknown owl. Lucius couldn't help but notice his normally cultivated and cultured wife spraying coffee over the table, he enquired who the letter was from.
Someone had hexed the coffee so that anyone who drank it would do a spit-take.
"It's from the head of the Black family.
Gah, Head of Black flashbacks.
He's citing you belonging to an organisation that murdered his brother as breaking the contract of our marriage. Death eaters killing the heir to the house of Black is more than enough legal justification for this to be quickly passed."
It was now Licius's turn to do a spit take at the breakfast table,
I told you so.
"What? He can't do that! I was under the Imperius curse, everyone knows that."
Narcissa hated pointing out the obvious, a task that she supposed she should be used to by now with the Malfoy males. "It would appear neither Sirius Black nor the goblins believe that claim, the fact that you never stood trial under veritaserum doesn't help your case either.
Veritaserum in the Robstverse is apparently infallible. In canon, of course, the reason it's not used in trials is because it's anything but. So anyway, Lucius and Narcissa stake their future on Draco coming through and dethroning Lord Potter. I almost feel sorry for them.
In Little Whining a similar scene was being played out at number four Privet Drive, but for an entirely different reason.
Someone had stolen the G.
Vernon was wiping off the fruit juice his wife had just spat all over him, his growl demanded an explanation from the clearly excited woman.
"Vernon, you won't believe this but after spending all those years entering my 'stupid' competitions, we finally hit the jackpot! I've just won an all expenses paid around the world cruise for two."
Vernon stared at his wife, awaiting the punch line of this very bad taste joke. Instead she handed him the letter to read for himself. The walrus started to become as excited as his wife as everything looked to be the genuine article, an all inclusive five star cruise around the world. Spending the coming winter cruising sunnier climes for free was certainly appealing., in his mind Vernon was already picturing the both of them on the deck of the cruise liner.
He would have to take unpaid leave as his holidays wouldn't stretch to this, Dudley would have to either spend Christmas at Smeltings or with Marge. He intended to investigate this strenuously before saying a word to anyone. When it proved to be genuine then Vernon would soon ensure that everyone heard that he and his wife would be cruising around the world.
Petunia was daydreaming of finally being able to mix with the kind of people she was supposed to be amongst, her bridge club would be green with envy when they heard of her good fortune. Like her husband, Petunia would ensure they heard about it, oh how they would hear about it!
Now this is a dead-on, if more than a little clichéd, satire of the behaviour of people like the Dursleys. The whole keeping up with the neighbours, proving that they've got money thing. An honest credit where it's due moment. Strange that it should come from an author who otherwise glorifies conspicuous consumption.
Jessie Wallace managed to mention her trip to Rome at least every third sentence she spoke, Petunia would be dining at the captain's table while visiting exotic places like Cape Town, Hong Kong and Singapore.
And this is the part where I fell off my chair. Why? Because Jessie Wallace plays Kat Slater in EastEnders. I can't think of a less fitting cameo for the arch-snob of Petunia Dursley's bridge club.
I placed a poll on my profile page to give readers a chance to influence what happens to Ron in this story. I have received numerous reviews on the matter and can see all sides of this argument. I will close the poll just before I post the particular chapter that deals with the troll, whichever option has the most votes at that time will be the one that makes it into the story. if you don't vote then you can't complain about the result!
Oh, great, the consequences of the troll attack were by popular demand. That makes it so much better. I don't think.