Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 10
So, what to do when you've written your daring rescue and confrontation with the arch-villain in Chapter 9 of 24? Why, take a detour into PSA Hell and bad soap opera shenanigans, of course!
What a difference a year makes, Emily thought to herself as she watched Kim sleeping contentedly. When they first met, Kim was the shyest, most worried first year you could ever imagine. Her anxiety was only amplified when her dorm-mates mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that she was a nudist and she ended up having to live the lie.
Back then, Kim couldn’t wait to close her bed hangings in order to hide her embarrassment at being naked. Now her hangings were wide open and Kim was sleeping coverless, her loveliness completely exposed.
And when you're trying to set Emily and Kim up as "just friends" in contrast to their dorm-mates who are an actual couple, it's probably not a good idea to refer to Kim's "loveliness" from Emily's POV.
Kim stared enviously at her best friend. “I’ve come to love being nude,” she said. “The cruise was fabulous, but I doubt I’ll ever be as at ease with bareness as you. I couldn’t imagine walking into the Great Hall starkers and having everyone else clothed and gawking at me.”
“They’d eventually get tired of staring,” Emily said unconcernedly. “I’d gladly give every stitch of clothing I own to charity if I were told I could remain like this the rest of my life without any ramifications.”
Hogwarts Exposed dialogue is how people really talk, apparently. That's what that one reviewer said, and they can't be wrong because they like Hogwarts Exposed.
Kim got out of bed, went over to Emily and embraced her best friend closely. “I’m glad that your ordeal didn’t change you any. I love you just the way you are.”
Can't be having any character development, after all.
Kim gave Emily a light kiss on the cheek.
“Why don’t you two lesbians get a private room?” Denise Graves, their least affable roommate suggested.
A simple "Get a room!" would have conveyed the same sentiment, but the characters in Hogwarts Exposed suffer from verbal diarrhoea even when they're trying to trade snappy insults.
“Yeah! It’s bad enough you both run around the dorm naked all the time,” Janice complained.
Not that she's, you know, reported them or anything. In fact, neither she nor Denise have even been in the story for several months.
“Now are we going to be forced to watch you two fornicate as well?”
I'm sorry, but no twelve-year-old in the fucking universe says "fornicate". Especially someone who's supposed to be a female Crabbe and/or Goyle, but then the actual Crabbe and Goyle in this fic talk like they've swallowed a dictionary (but not a grammar textbook) too.
“We aren’t gay,” Emily said decisively. “Kim and I simply love each other. But you two wouldn’t understand that. You’re both too ‘me oriented’ to have feelings for anyone else.”
Well, clearly they do understand the concept, or they wouldn't be talking about being gay in the first place.
“What if we were gay?” Kim said angrily. “There is nothing wrong with being gay. People shouldn’t be judged on their sexual orientation.”
Which is why this author would never treat the possibility of a character being gay as some kind of joke.
“You’re right,” Denise declared. “It doesn’t matter whether you two are gay or not; you’re still both losers.”
An A+ insult from the queen of mean. I can see why Kim would have killed herself in the alternate universe.
“Come on love,” Kim said, giving Emily a wink and grabbing her inappropriately.
Inappropriately how? I can guess, but this isn't exactly a description.
Marta and Becky had been listening to the exchange of barbs take place, but hadn’t made any comment.
The author has apparently remembered that they exist as well. And what they were exchanging wasn't barbs so much as balls of vaguely prickly fluff.
“I can’t believe you grabbed me down there,” Emily said, as both girls burst into giggles as soon as the door closed behind them.
“You’re always going on about how it’s just another body part,” Kim said.
When the characters are pointing out their own inconsistencies, you know your fic is beyond help.
“Besides, did you see the look on their faces when I did it?”
“Yeah,” Emily said laughing. “Denise actually turned green. You do realize that by lunchtime everyone in the school will think we have the hots for each other.”
How? The only friend those two seem to have is Dick the dick (who's at least appeared in the fic, if only to stand in the background and glare ominously whenever our sainted protagonists are praised) and it's not like he's got an extensive social circle either.
Marta studied them both cautiously as if she had something significant to share, but was extremely tentative. “Kim, did you mean what you said? Do you really not let sexual orientation affect how you feel about people? How about you, Emily? Do you think people who are gay are weird?”
What could her secret possibly be? *chinstroke*
Emily wavered, not certain just how much private information about herself she wanted to reveal to Marta with her answer. “I treat people the way they treat me,” she said. “Their sexual preferences are their own business.”
If only her parents were so enlightened.
“Why are you asking all these questions?” Kim asked.
“Because it’s hard to always be hiding your true feelings. It would be nice to have someone you could trust; someone you could let your guard down in front of.” It was Marta’s turn to take a deep breath. “Becky and I are a couple,” she said quickly and then waited for a response.
“How long have you been together?” was the first question out of Kim’s mouth.
“We’ve known each other since we were five,” Marta answered, “but we’ve only been doing things to each other since we were ten.”
Yeah, they've been Chapter 22ing each other in the offstage waiting room this whole time. And there's actually been some foreshadowing, but not of them being together: Marta, if you remember, was rather too interested in Emily's arse towards the beginning of Too Exposed. Or was it Kim's? Either way, best not tell Becky, except it's okay because she's been ogling her dorm-mates as well. And, you know, dorm-mates - how unobservant must Emily and Kim have been not to notice that they were together for a whole year? I'm even leaving aside the whole "highly underage" thing, because at this stage all I can say is "because Hogwarts Exposed".
When Emily and Kim returned to the dorm after completing their showers, they found Becky and Marta both sitting on Becky’s bed talking conspiratorially. The four girls exchanged knowing smiles as Kim and Emily dressed for breakfast.
“Did I miss a lot on Thursday and Friday?” Emily asked concernedly.
“Not really,” Kim said. “It was mostly review of stuff we learned last year. Today should be interesting though. This morning we have our first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class with Professor Weasley, and then this afternoon Professor Longbottom is going to have us transplant Mandrakes in Herbology.”
One of these things is not like the others.
“Which one of the Weasleys do we have, the male or the female?” Emily asked.
“The one with boobs,” Kim answered. “She is teaching first and second years.”
Well, it makes a change from Hermione being "the one with the tits" like she was before. I still hate this fic.
“Somehow I doubt we’ll learn anything in that class,” Emily said assuredly. “I just can’t picture Professor Weasley discussing sex frankly with a room full of twelve year olds, and the textbook looks like it is out of the Dark Ages.”
Yes, a twelve-year-old who needed someone to explain to her what sperm is and where it needs to go to make someone pregnant (despite being obsessed with sex) is a perfect person to judge the quality of a sex education textbook.
“I can’t believe you two tarts,” Denise said with revulsion. “It’s bad enough neither of you ever wear bras, but how can you parade around in such short skirts without knickers?”
Firstly, why aren't they wearing robes? Even if you go by the fanon that most wizards wear mostly Muggle clothes most of the time (I prefer to keep the wizarding and Muggle worlds more distinct from each other) they're at Hogwarts where they'd be wearing robes by canon. Secondly, they're twelve: who says they even need to wear bras yet? Thirdly, why the hell would you go through all the hassle of trying to find a bra that works (no direct experience, of course, but I've heard plenty of horror stories) when magic should stabilise your breasts more comfortably and effectively than any of them?
“What do you say?” Emily asked, giving Kim a devilish smile. “Should we give the school something to really talk about?”
Emily is the biggest fucking narcissist if she thinks that the rest of the school have nothing more important to worry about than her private life. And private other things.
“Now what’s going on?” Harry said, looking dumbfounded, as Becky and Marta entered the Great Hall followed closely by Kim and Emily, both couples holding hands.
“I’m not sure I want to know,” Hermione said shaking her head in consternation.
You're at Hogwarts, for fuck's sake. The place where the staircases change on a whim and people get turned into animals in classroom accidents. Two pairs of girls holding hands hardly seem like they'd ping anyone's weirdness radar.
“You don’t think they’re, what do they call it, coming out of the closet… do you?” Harry asked.
“I don’t know,” Hermione answered, looking rather bewildered. “It would seem to me that twelve would be rather young to be sure of one’s sexual penchant. Although I did notice what seemed to be a definite magnetism between Marta and Becky last year.”
“Neither of them is my daughter,” Harry said, alarm evident in his voice. “What about Emily and Kim? I thought they both were fond of boys.”
Harry the homophobe.
Hermione seemed to ignore Harry as she watched Kim and Emily closely. Unlike Marta and Becky, who appeared to be extremely nervous, Emily and Kim were smiling and appeared to be having a splendid time.
“They’re pretending,” Hermione finally said. “Marta and Becky are genuine, but I think Kim and Emily are just role-playing.”
You should see the arguments over who gets to be the paladin.
“That’s wrong,” Harry said disappointedly. “I would expect the girls to support their friends, not make fun of them.”
Says the guy who was fretting about his daughter being gay a few lines ago, and gossiped like a mother hen and made unfunny jokes when he heard that his friend might be. You hypocritical shit.
“They aren’t making fun,” Hermione explained. “Don’t you see? They’re running diversionary tactics, but at the same time showing their support.”
“Where are you going?” Harry asked as Hermione abruptly got up from the table.
“I’ll be right back,” Hermione said, hastening in the direction of the Slytherin House table.
By now, most eyes in the Hall were on Hermione.
Why? Why is everyone so concerned about what's going on here? Is there nothing else happening in a school at the beginning of term?
When she got to the table she stopped behind Kim and Emily and placed her hands on their shoulders. She didn’t say a word, just smiled before squeezing their shoulders affectionately. Then she went over to Marta and Becky and squatted down between them. Both girls listened attentively as Hermione spoke briefly to them. Then she gave them both a kiss on the cheek before returning to the staff table.
As Hermione returned to her seat, Marta, tears filling her eyes, turned to Emily. “Do you realize how lucky you are to have her as a mother?”
Let's not mention the bit where this paragon of acceptance was more concerned that Caitlin and Emily in Chapter 22 were two girls, well, Chapter 22ing, than that they were two adopted sisters doing it.
“I had to tell them how proud I was,” Hermione said. “Do you understand just how much nerve it took for Marta and Becky to openly divulge their true feelings? I offered to facilitate when they’re ready to tell their parents.”
“At least not everyone is treating them as if they have the plague,” Harry said, indicating Doris Burke who had just concluded talking to Marta and Becky.
Talk about damning with faint praise. The Hogwarts student body aren't all homophobic jackasses: rejoice!
“Doris is a wonderful girl. I’m so glad that Jamie and her have become such good friends,” Hermione declared. “It’s difficult to believe that her parents were once supporters of Voldemort.”
Especially since we've never heard anything at all about her parents. We don't even know whether she's related to Burke as in the co-proprietor of Borgin and Burke's, or her name being the same is a Mark Evans moment.
“He’s another one,” Harry said, indicating Tyler Bancroft, who was now chatting with Becky and Marta. “His parents once ran a death camp for Voldemort and his brother should have been expelled from Hogwarts numerous times. Yet he seems like a great kid.”
Why hasn't Dick the dick been expelled, anyway? He tried to kill someone!
As Tyler walked past Emily, he touched her shoulder lightly. “I prayed that you’d be safely returned to us,” he said quietly before continuing toward his seat.
Who or what does a Slytherin pure-blood pray to? Salazar? If so, it didn't do much good considering that Salazar condemned them to death and only Jamie unicorning Hooch saved them.
Uncharacteristically, the hall suddenly became extremely quiet. Emily looked toward the head table expecting to see the Headmaster standing ready to speak, but instead she saw what had caused everyone in the room to become hushed. There was a large screech owl circling the head table. That was not unusual because the staff received mail regularly. What had gotten everyone’s attention was the red envelope clutched in the owl’s beak.
“One of the Professors is getting a Howler,” Caitlin whispered to her sister.
“I’ve never seen that before in my seven years,” Jamie said aghast. “Who would be so disrespectful as to send a professor a howler when they are surrounded by students?”
I don't think it'd be all that uncommon for people to get pissed off enough at Hogwarts teachers to send them Howlers, when you consider some of the things that teachers in the real world have to deal with. Especially with the Exposed!Hogwarts staff being more interested in getting their respective ends away than actually teaching classes.
“I wonder who it’s for?” Caitlin asked, but the words had barely escaped her lips, when the owl came to rest next to the Headmaster and politely offered the letter to him.
Katie and Severus exchanged edgy looks and then Katie did something she had never done before in public. She placed her hand reassuringly on top of Severus’.
I like how they're not even trying to keep their highly inappropriate carrying-on a secret.
“You better open it,” she said in an apprehensive whisper. “They only get worse the longer you delay. Best you get it over with.”
Yes, Severus Snape needs the advice of one of his former students on how to deal with Howlers.
“Who would be so juvenile and discourteous as to send the Headmaster a Howler?” Hermione asked disgustedly. “And at breakfast, of all times.”
If people can control where and when their owls deliver the post, why the hell did a group of post owls dive-bomb a Muggle cruise ship a few chapters back?
Severus stretched out his hand, relieved the envelop from the owl’s beak, and slit it open. For a moment it seemed like the envelope had exploded; a roar of sound filled the Great Hall.
“--JUST WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? --”
Percy Weasley’s voice roared, a hundred times louder than normal. The students stared at the head table, as the bellowing voice echoed off the stonewalls of the hall,
“THE STORY THAT APPEARED IN THE DAILY PROPHET DID SO WITH MY APPROVAL. I PERSONALLY VERIFIED ALL THE DETAILS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC, WOULD APPROVE A STORY THAT WAS NOT FULLY FACTUAL?
“WHEN I ATTENDED HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, I CONSIDERED YOU TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT TEACHER. IT IS REGRETFUL THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE LIES OF HARRY POTTER AND HIS MISGUIDED LEGION.
Yeah, about Harry and Snape being BFFs. As it happens, I've only just finished reading the second Psychic Serpent fic, Time of Good Intentions, in which Harry changes the past and finds himself in an AU where Snape is his stepfather. (It's honestly very good. Yes, this is a rec. Go forth and read - having read Psychic Serpent helps but isn't essential. ToGI is by far and away the best member of the trilogy.) It ends with Harry changing things back and retaining his memories, and giving Snape access via Pensieve to what he experienced in the other universe, thereby showing him what he could have been had things gone a bit differently. The problem with this informing Snape's characterisation in Hogwarts Exposed is that there are very few other references to ToGI - only the time-freezing spell and Ron being a werewolf ever really come up. Nothing at all about the AU, which is the meat of the story. Jamie's name is a reference to Harry's sister, which adds a whole new layer of squick to her interactions with him at the beginning of Exposed, but this coincidence was only ever pointed out on Yahoo.
Snape calmly rose to his feet as the letter burst into flames. “It is at times like these that people, even students as young as yourselves, are required to make choices, tough choices. I propose that you make your future decisions based on past history. When Lord Voldemort returned in the nineteen-nineties and sought to once again rule our world, Harry Potter and former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to warn the wizarding world. The Ministry and The Daily Prophet disparaged them both. Fortunately, we learned before it was too late who was giving us truthful information. We should learn from history where to place our trust.”
Which history, though? Order of the Phoenix or Psychic Serpent?
“What if he has you removed as Headmaster?” Katie asked concernedly. “Where will you go? What will you do?” She grasped Severus’ hand. “What will become of us?”
What will become of them? Maybe their relationship would become ethical. Or at least as ethical as a relationship with someone he's known since she was eleven and his student can be.
“The Ministry has absolutely no authority when it comes to running Hogwarts,” Severus said confidently. “Albus Dumbledore took care of that after all the difficulty with Fudge and that vicious Umbridge woman. Only the school Board of Governors can remove the Headmaster and that takes a two-thirds majority.”
Umbridge was at Exposed!Hogwarts. So the incident that was referred to in Chapter 2 of Exposed, otherwise known as the nipple-eating chapter:
She and Harry had been as intimate as two could be with each other during their fifth year. Also, in one of the accidents that occurred during that year, she had inadvertently shown way more of herself to Ron, Draco and Ginny then she had ever planned.
Did that happen when Draco was taking a break from hunting the DA with the Inquisitorial Squad to hang out with his best mates?
Why the author couldn't just have made the whole thing an AU I don't know.
“But what if he goes to the Board and they agree to remove you?” Katie asked, not convinced that Severus’ job was secure.
“As long as I have the support of Harry, Hermione and Ron, I’m not concerned,” Severus explained. “There are a lot of new, younger Board members now; they respect the Covenant and won’t be easily bamboozled by someone like Percy Weasley. Besides, I doubt he’ll even approach them. He won’t want to take the chance of looking weak if they refused his request.”
When did these new governors arrive?
“You never answered my question this morning,” Emily said, as she and Kim took seats next to each other for their first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class. “Has Brian written you at all?”
Kim didn’t answer, but instead glowed pink as she held up six fingers.
“He’s written you six letters,” Emily said excitedly. “You must have really made an impression on him.”
“I like him, too,” Kim said shyly. “If only he wasn’t a Muggle. It makes things so complicated. Even posting him a letter is a pain.”
Why? You give it to your owl and tell them to take it somewhere for the wizarding postal service to put it into the Muggle post system, just like the Hogwarts staff do when they're delivering letters to students who live in the Muggle world. Harry's first Hogwarts letter in Philosopher's Stone arrived with the normal post, after all.
“When are you going to tell Randy?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know what to do where he is concerned,” Kim said concernedly. “He’s really nice and I don’t want to hurt him. He lost Caitlin to Matt and you to Tyler.
Randy seems to have been going after all the girls. Well, when you've got to go through secondary school with a name like "Randy", embracing it is certainly one way to cope.
If I break up with him, it will be a nasty blow to his ego. Besides, what are the odds of Brian and I ever even seeing each other again, let alone becoming a couple? He’s in the United States and I’m here.”
I wonder if we'll see Brian again, possibly as part of an American delegation who are set to arrive at Hogwarts very soon. Anyway, enter Ginny. And not in the way Draco and Snape want to.
“You won’t be needing your wands in this class,” she said with a smile. “We’ll be talking about a different kind of
... wand.
magic; the magic of love, intimacy, conception and birth.
Thing is, though, the class is called "Anatomy of the Sexes". That doesn't suggest learning about love and intimacy; it suggests an hour spent labelling diagrams of the human reproductive system.
As the giggles subsided, Emily’s hand went in the air.
“Our first question,” Ginny said, her voice sounding both pleased and edgy.
“Emily Zacherley-Potter,” she said in introduction.
Yes, I think people know who you are. Especially when you seem to think that the whole school's attention revolves around you, and that nobody has a life of their own.
“I’ve been a nudist all my life. That doesn’t necessarily give me a heads up when it comes to knowledge about sex, but I probably have seen more naked people than anyone else in the room. I’ve noticed that some men have extremely large things. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn’t fit in your twat when you want to make love?”
When Emily finished her question, every face in the room was red. Not only had Emily jumped directly to the subject of insertion, but she had also brought up the subject of size.
If they're so ill-informed about sex that they need a lesson called "Anatomy of the Sexes", how do they even know the significance of this?
“You believe in getting right to the tough questions, don’t you?” Professor Weasley asked. “First things first, men do not have a thing or a dick or a prick. Men and boys have a penis. You do not have a twat or a pussy or a cunt; you have a vagina. I’d prefer if we use the proper terminology in this class.
It amuses me that the slang she cites isn't even the most common. I can't remember the last time I heard someone use "twat" in the literal sense, for example. Also, Emily knows the proper terms and has used them, so this was completely pointless in any case.
Denise’s arm shot up into the air. “Professor, this is more a suggestion rather than a question. I’ve been looking through our textbook and it is rather behind the times. Some of the pictures and charts look about a hundred years old.”
Again, someone who needs to attend "Anatomy of the Sexes" knows this how?
Professor Weasley nodded her head in agreement.
As opposed to all those other reasons for nodding her head.
“Why don’t we take advantage of the fact that we have two nudists in the class?” Denise questioned, seeming serious. “Instead of looking at some ancient charts, wouldn’t we all learn more by actually examining Kim or Emily nude? I’m sure it would help me understand my body better and it would be especially educational for the boys. Maybe the two of them would even offer to visit your other classes.”
Kim’s face immediately turned cherry red. She knew that Denise hated Emily and her, but couldn’t believe that even she would suggest something so humiliating?
What exactly was she hoping to achieve, anyway? There's no way that Ginny would have accepted the request, and it's not like them being nudists is some big secret that she's revealing (fnarr) to the whole class.
“That’s a ridiculous idea,” Tyler said without taking time to raise his hand and be recognized. “Even if one of the girls were actually foolish enough to be willing to do it, I’m sure the Board of Governors would never approve. Then, there are their parents and our parents to consider; I seriously doubt many of them would consent. Plus, it would be sexist to only have a female model.”
“You could volunteer,” Janice suggested. “I know personally that I‘d be willing to study late into the night if you were the model.”
Hang on, isn't Tyler her cousin?
“Okay! Okay! That’s enough!” Ginny shouted. “Denise, you’ll be spending tomorrow evening with me in detention. I don’t appreciate my class being disrupted. I’m not an idiot, young lady. I know that suggestion was only made to embarrass Emily and Kim. Class dismissed,” Ginny proclaimed.
Well, that was a short lesson.
“Why doesn’t the Minister believe you?” Matt asked, as he, Caitlin and Randy headed for the North Tower and their first Divination class.
“Mum says it’s all political,” Caitlin replied. “Percy Weasley desperately wants the position of Minister of Magic, but is fearful that he will be voted out if people feel our world is in jeopardy.”
Randy shook his head. “Power-hungry, bigheaded git!”
I can see why Caitlin is so concerned about Percy, because it's her testimony that he's rejecting, but why are Matt and Randy suddenly taking an interest in politics?
“That about sums it up,” Caitlin said. “How much further is it to the North Tower? Isn’t there some sort of short cut we can take? We won’t make a very good impression on Professor Trelawney if we’re late.”
Harry hadn't actually seen Trelawney before, neatly explaining why she was absent from Philosopher's Stone and Chamber of Secrets, but she has in fact ventured into the rest of the castle in Hogwarts Exposed. She is, or at least was until the author forgot, best friends with Ginny.
“Calm down,” Randy said. “I don’t even understand why you’re taking the subject. Aren’t you the one that tried to talk Matt and me out of it because your Mum said it was a lot of malarkey? I thought you were going to take Muggle Studies instead.”
“Yeah, but then you guys both decided to take it anyway and I wanted to be with you. Besides Mum can teach me anything I need to know about Muggle Studies,” Caitlin added.
“I think we’re lost,” Matt finally admitted, as they stopped next to a painting of a short, squat knight in a suit of armor leaning against a tree as his fat, dapple-gray pony fed on the green grass.
So we get a rehash of the Sir Cadogan scene from Prisoner of Azkaban, then:
“I think we go up this ladder, Randy offered. “It sounds like most of our class is already up there.”
“Hold up a second,” Caitlin said as she read the sign above the robes.
Classroom can be extremely warm in September, May and June. Robes are not required.
The author has never made it clear what exactly he thinks wizards wear under their robes. For all we know, they're all naked up there. And this being Hogwarts Exposed, that wouldn't be out of the question. Also, why has Trelawney suddenly made robes optional when they weren't in canon?
“I’m keeping mine on,” Randy said as he started climbing the ladder.
“Not me. I’m already roasting,” Caitlin said, removing her robes and hanging them on an empty hook, then starting up the ladder.
“Likewise,” Matt said as he also removed his robes and then began to follow Caitlin up the silvery ladder.
“This is the right place,” Caitlin called down to Matt. “Lookup at the brass plaque on the trapdoor.”
Matt looked up, but his eye never quite made it to the plaque.
It's ambiguous as to whether Caitlin intended Matt to look up her skirt (which would surely be some kind of sexual harassment) or this was another oh-so-wacky coincidence. Regardless, we cut to Ginny and Draco. Now in Psychic Serpent, they were together and ended up splitting up when Ginny realised she'd be better with Harry. I don't actually know what happened between them in Hogwarts Exposed, but Draco was ogling Hermione (a subplot which went nowhere) then Ginny was with Snape before instead hooking up with Draco, and for some unholy reason Harry and Hermione cared about who Snape was shagging. The author is clearly trying to do the Psychic Serpent thing: whereas Harry starts off with Hermione then discovers he's better with Ginny, the author seems to be going for Snape realising he'd rather be with Ginny than Katie. Where it falls down is that someone who's not his employee and former student is a better fit for Snape than either of them, not to mention that neither of them have personalities to speak of. And nor does HE!Snape.
This, of course, would leave Draco up shit creek without a paddle, because he's realised that he wants kids. Yes.
“Draco, I come from a large family. Naturally I’ve thought of having children; not as many as my Mum, of course, but I’d like at least two.” Ginny quickly recovered as she kept in mind Draco’s usual aversion of any discussion involving marriage. “But it’s not something I desperately want,” she lied. “I’m content teaching and having you as a lover.”
Ginny, if you remember, was asking her friends whether Draco or Snape would make a better father before she was even in a serious relationship with either of them.
“You like Timmy, don’t you?” Draco asked.
“Of course I do,” Ginny answered. Suddenly there was concern in her voice. “Draco, please tell me that you’re not thinking of trying to take him away from Sam and Ron again.”
“No! I couldn’t do that,” Draco replied despondently. “Sam loves him too much. Besides, she’s a great mother. Your git of a brother isn’t half bad as a surrogate father either. Plus, they’ve both been first-rate by allowing me to play an ever-increasing part in Timmy’s up bringing. I was more thinking of a kid I could be with from the moment he popped out of the oven.”
“Have you given any thought as to how old you want to be when you conceive this progeny?” Ginny asked sheepishly.
Just, why the fuck would Ginny Weasley say "progeny". I'm not sure even Hermione would describe her own kids as her progeny.
“That’s the tough part,” Draco grumbled. “I don’t want to wait until I’m an old fart that can’t even straddle a broom anymore to teach his kid how to play Quidditch.
I thought wizards didn't age as fast as Muggles in the HE-verse.
Yet, I don’t want to toss aside my wild youthful years and settle down with one woman too quickly. Maybe I’ll be ready when I’m about twenty-five.”
“But you are twenty-five,” Ginny said, astonishment apparent in her voice. “Do you have someone in mind to carry your offspring or do you just intend to hire a stand-in mother through the want ads?”
Yeah, the Daily Prophet classifieds have a whole section for surrogate mothers.
“I’ve treated the mother rather badly in the past,” Draco replied. “I’ve taken her for granted, rarely told her how much she actually means to me. I’m not sure if she realizes how much I love her or if she’d even be willing to marry me.”
Ginny just gawked at Draco in disbelief. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“I’m not very good at this romantic stuff,” Draco answered.
Neither is Hermione, but that's not stopped HE!Hermione from vomiting the most tedious glurge all over the story.
“I’ve always lived for the day, never thought about the future. The last few weeks have made me rethink my life. Those kids could have been killed. None of us knows when our last day will arrive. I want to be with you and our children before my final day comes.”
Draco took Ginny’s hand and got down on his knees as curious students rushed past them. “Ginevra Molly Weasley, will you marry me?”
And cut. Of course.
“Matt is something wrong?” Caitlin inquired as they headed for dinner that evening. “You haven’t been acting like your normal self since Divination Class. Don’t tell me that you’re still upset about what Professor Trelawney said.”
“Matt, I’m not going to die!” Caitlin avowed. “Mum says that Professor Trelawney has predicted the death of a student every year since she arrived at the school. None has died yet and I don’t intend to be the first.”
Speaking of recycled material from the canon.
“That had me worried,” Matt admitted. “But I know that Trelawney is a fraud and what she says can’t be taken seriously.”
Except for, you know, the actual prophecies she's actually delivered. For the most part she is a fraud, but this new generation seem well-informed enough about the exploits of their parents (maybe they read the books?) that they'd also know that she's a true Seer under it all. I wonder whether she acts like a stereotypical charlatan fortune-teller to keep people from learning about her powers.
Caitlin looked at Matt questioningly. “If it wasn’t that, then what has you so upset?”
“We have to talk in private,” Matt said as they reached the Charms classroom. He tried the door and found it to be unlocked. “In here, quick,” he said, checking to see that no one was watching them.
Fanfic!Hogwarts has a lot of empty classrooms. I'm surprised they even needed to build the Room of Requirement, because it seems that you can just nip into any classroom you happen to be walking past and it'll be conveniently empty.
“Caitlin, I’m sorry,” Matt sobbed, turning away from her.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” she asked, confused. “Matt, did you find another girl this summer? Are you about to break up with me?”
“Break up! No way!” Matt said fervently. “I love you. I want to be with you always.”
To be honest, I find a 13-year-old talking like this a lot more plausible than Hermione talking like this, so that's something I guess.
Matt hung his head ashamedly. “Caitlin, I feel like some sort of pervert.
You're in Hogwarts Exposed. It really does come with the territory.
“Well, when I looked up, I ended up seeing up your skirt.”
Caitlin blushed slightly. “I’m sorry!” she said, giving him a hug. “I’ve never seen myself from that view point, but I imagine it’s not very photogenic.”
I'm surprised she hasn't seen herself from that viewpoint, considering what the POV is like in this fic.
“You don’t understand,” Matt blubbered. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You’re beautiful! Every part of you is beautiful.”
Matt lowered his voice as if afraid someone would hear what he was about to say next. He audibly gulped. “By the time we reached the top of that ladder, I wanted to jump on top of you and…you know… do it. I’m sorry, you must think I’m some kind of an animal.”
That doesn't really distinguish him from any other character in Hogwarts Exposed. They've all got so many raging hormones that they're in danger of overdosing themselves.
“I think nothing of the sort,” Caitlin said, as she held Matt tightly. “You can’t imagine how many times I’ve thought of us being together.” She sighed heavily. “But we’re only thirteen. The consequences of us having sex are just too dreadful to imagine.”
Caitlin bit her lip. “We can’t have intercourse, but there are other things my parents do to make each other feel good.”
And not just her parents, if Chapter 22 is anything to go by.
A chill went through Caitlin’s body. She couldn’t believe what she was about to propose; she wasn’t even sure she had the guts to actually do it.
Well, she did it to Emily.
“What are you suggesting?” Matt asked.
“Forget I said anything,” Caitlin answered fearfully. “It was a bad idea. Besides, I’m not even sure that what I have in mind wouldn’t trigger some sort of magical alarm.
Like it didn't in Chapter 22?
“That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about,” Matt said, suddenly sounding more angry rather than embarrassed. “I want you to start wearing trousers instead of skirts.”
Or, you know, robes.
“I beg your pardon?” Caitlin said, not believing what she had just heard Matt say.
“I was originally going to tell you to just start wearing knickers,” Matt said, “but I don’t fancy boys looking up your skirt and seeing your bare legs either.”
This is just straightforward character derailment, insofar as Matt even has a character, because there's been no hint that
Caitlin sadly shook her had. “Matt, do you remember holding up a skinny, naked eleven-year-old on your shoulders two years ago as she tried to convince all of Gryffindor that Jamie Zacherley should be allowed to practice nudism in the common room?”
Matt nodded his head.
“Do you recall that I remained naked the remainder of that night? You, Randy and I had a grand time. I don’t recollect you once telling me to cover myself then and I’m sure you got quite a view when I bobbed for apples.”
And, like I said before, having your characters point out their own bad characterisation doesn't magically make the characterisation any less bad.
“Matt, since we’ve been a couple, how many things about yourself have I asked you to change? Caitlin inquired.
After thinking for a few moments, Matt responded, “Nothing.”
“That’s because I like you the way you are. I wouldn’t have said yes to being your girlfriend if there were traits about you I didn’t like.”
That's not how relationships work.
“Can you remember the names of anymore of these Death Eaters?” Salazar Slytherin asked. “They sound like the type of people that would readily support me.”
Goyle shook his head. “We were just ending our seventh year when He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was defeated. Many of his followers were killed in battles preceding his demise.”
Why the hell is Goyle scared of saying the name of a dead wizard when he's talking to Salazar Slytherin?
Slytherin paced the room for a few moments in silence, before speaking again. “You will first personally contact all the living former Death Eaters. I want you to offer them the opportunity to unreservedly join me. They should provide us with a strong nucleus.”
The Death Eaters were already working for the Great One as of Exposed, so why do they need this recruitment drive?
“Then we will procure as much information as we can on deceased and imprisoned Death Eaters. Their progeny should be eager to avenge their parents. If not, I will offer them an enticement as well. Thanks to the new Minister of Magic, we should have a sizeable organization assembled before the wizard world is even aware of my reincarnation.”
I think "progeny" was on the author's word of the day calendar.
Jamie grabbed the books off her bed and hurried out of the seventh year girls’ dormitory to join Alex and Amanda, who were already in the common room. As she was about to pass the third year dorm, the door opened and Caitlin slowly emerged.
“What are you doing!?” Jamie asked, coming to an abrupt halt.
“I’m about to give Matt an answer,” Caitlin answered, trying to hold back her tears.
“No you’re not,” Jamie barked. “At least not until I know the question.”
How does Jamie even know something's up here? It can't be her super-special-awesome intention-sensing powers, because they've already been retconned out of the story.
What a difference a year makes, Emily thought to herself as she watched Kim sleeping contentedly. When they first met, Kim was the shyest, most worried first year you could ever imagine. Her anxiety was only amplified when her dorm-mates mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that she was a nudist and she ended up having to live the lie.
Back then, Kim couldn’t wait to close her bed hangings in order to hide her embarrassment at being naked. Now her hangings were wide open and Kim was sleeping coverless, her loveliness completely exposed.
And when you're trying to set Emily and Kim up as "just friends" in contrast to their dorm-mates who are an actual couple, it's probably not a good idea to refer to Kim's "loveliness" from Emily's POV.
Kim stared enviously at her best friend. “I’ve come to love being nude,” she said. “The cruise was fabulous, but I doubt I’ll ever be as at ease with bareness as you. I couldn’t imagine walking into the Great Hall starkers and having everyone else clothed and gawking at me.”
“They’d eventually get tired of staring,” Emily said unconcernedly. “I’d gladly give every stitch of clothing I own to charity if I were told I could remain like this the rest of my life without any ramifications.”
Hogwarts Exposed dialogue is how people really talk, apparently. That's what that one reviewer said, and they can't be wrong because they like Hogwarts Exposed.
Kim got out of bed, went over to Emily and embraced her best friend closely. “I’m glad that your ordeal didn’t change you any. I love you just the way you are.”
Can't be having any character development, after all.
Kim gave Emily a light kiss on the cheek.
“Why don’t you two lesbians get a private room?” Denise Graves, their least affable roommate suggested.
A simple "Get a room!" would have conveyed the same sentiment, but the characters in Hogwarts Exposed suffer from verbal diarrhoea even when they're trying to trade snappy insults.
“Yeah! It’s bad enough you both run around the dorm naked all the time,” Janice complained.
Not that she's, you know, reported them or anything. In fact, neither she nor Denise have even been in the story for several months.
“Now are we going to be forced to watch you two fornicate as well?”
I'm sorry, but no twelve-year-old in the fucking universe says "fornicate". Especially someone who's supposed to be a female Crabbe and/or Goyle, but then the actual Crabbe and Goyle in this fic talk like they've swallowed a dictionary (but not a grammar textbook) too.
“We aren’t gay,” Emily said decisively. “Kim and I simply love each other. But you two wouldn’t understand that. You’re both too ‘me oriented’ to have feelings for anyone else.”
Well, clearly they do understand the concept, or they wouldn't be talking about being gay in the first place.
“What if we were gay?” Kim said angrily. “There is nothing wrong with being gay. People shouldn’t be judged on their sexual orientation.”
Which is why this author would never treat the possibility of a character being gay as some kind of joke.
“You’re right,” Denise declared. “It doesn’t matter whether you two are gay or not; you’re still both losers.”
An A+ insult from the queen of mean. I can see why Kim would have killed herself in the alternate universe.
“Come on love,” Kim said, giving Emily a wink and grabbing her inappropriately.
Inappropriately how? I can guess, but this isn't exactly a description.
Marta and Becky had been listening to the exchange of barbs take place, but hadn’t made any comment.
The author has apparently remembered that they exist as well. And what they were exchanging wasn't barbs so much as balls of vaguely prickly fluff.
“I can’t believe you grabbed me down there,” Emily said, as both girls burst into giggles as soon as the door closed behind them.
“You’re always going on about how it’s just another body part,” Kim said.
When the characters are pointing out their own inconsistencies, you know your fic is beyond help.
“Besides, did you see the look on their faces when I did it?”
“Yeah,” Emily said laughing. “Denise actually turned green. You do realize that by lunchtime everyone in the school will think we have the hots for each other.”
How? The only friend those two seem to have is Dick the dick (who's at least appeared in the fic, if only to stand in the background and glare ominously whenever our sainted protagonists are praised) and it's not like he's got an extensive social circle either.
Marta studied them both cautiously as if she had something significant to share, but was extremely tentative. “Kim, did you mean what you said? Do you really not let sexual orientation affect how you feel about people? How about you, Emily? Do you think people who are gay are weird?”
What could her secret possibly be? *chinstroke*
Emily wavered, not certain just how much private information about herself she wanted to reveal to Marta with her answer. “I treat people the way they treat me,” she said. “Their sexual preferences are their own business.”
If only her parents were so enlightened.
“Why are you asking all these questions?” Kim asked.
“Because it’s hard to always be hiding your true feelings. It would be nice to have someone you could trust; someone you could let your guard down in front of.” It was Marta’s turn to take a deep breath. “Becky and I are a couple,” she said quickly and then waited for a response.
“How long have you been together?” was the first question out of Kim’s mouth.
“We’ve known each other since we were five,” Marta answered, “but we’ve only been doing things to each other since we were ten.”
Yeah, they've been Chapter 22ing each other in the offstage waiting room this whole time. And there's actually been some foreshadowing, but not of them being together: Marta, if you remember, was rather too interested in Emily's arse towards the beginning of Too Exposed. Or was it Kim's? Either way, best not tell Becky, except it's okay because she's been ogling her dorm-mates as well. And, you know, dorm-mates - how unobservant must Emily and Kim have been not to notice that they were together for a whole year? I'm even leaving aside the whole "highly underage" thing, because at this stage all I can say is "because Hogwarts Exposed".
When Emily and Kim returned to the dorm after completing their showers, they found Becky and Marta both sitting on Becky’s bed talking conspiratorially. The four girls exchanged knowing smiles as Kim and Emily dressed for breakfast.
“Did I miss a lot on Thursday and Friday?” Emily asked concernedly.
“Not really,” Kim said. “It was mostly review of stuff we learned last year. Today should be interesting though. This morning we have our first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class with Professor Weasley, and then this afternoon Professor Longbottom is going to have us transplant Mandrakes in Herbology.”
One of these things is not like the others.
“Which one of the Weasleys do we have, the male or the female?” Emily asked.
“The one with boobs,” Kim answered. “She is teaching first and second years.”
Well, it makes a change from Hermione being "the one with the tits" like she was before. I still hate this fic.
“Somehow I doubt we’ll learn anything in that class,” Emily said assuredly. “I just can’t picture Professor Weasley discussing sex frankly with a room full of twelve year olds, and the textbook looks like it is out of the Dark Ages.”
Yes, a twelve-year-old who needed someone to explain to her what sperm is and where it needs to go to make someone pregnant (despite being obsessed with sex) is a perfect person to judge the quality of a sex education textbook.
“I can’t believe you two tarts,” Denise said with revulsion. “It’s bad enough neither of you ever wear bras, but how can you parade around in such short skirts without knickers?”
Firstly, why aren't they wearing robes? Even if you go by the fanon that most wizards wear mostly Muggle clothes most of the time (I prefer to keep the wizarding and Muggle worlds more distinct from each other) they're at Hogwarts where they'd be wearing robes by canon. Secondly, they're twelve: who says they even need to wear bras yet? Thirdly, why the hell would you go through all the hassle of trying to find a bra that works (no direct experience, of course, but I've heard plenty of horror stories) when magic should stabilise your breasts more comfortably and effectively than any of them?
“What do you say?” Emily asked, giving Kim a devilish smile. “Should we give the school something to really talk about?”
Emily is the biggest fucking narcissist if she thinks that the rest of the school have nothing more important to worry about than her private life. And private other things.
“Now what’s going on?” Harry said, looking dumbfounded, as Becky and Marta entered the Great Hall followed closely by Kim and Emily, both couples holding hands.
“I’m not sure I want to know,” Hermione said shaking her head in consternation.
You're at Hogwarts, for fuck's sake. The place where the staircases change on a whim and people get turned into animals in classroom accidents. Two pairs of girls holding hands hardly seem like they'd ping anyone's weirdness radar.
“You don’t think they’re, what do they call it, coming out of the closet… do you?” Harry asked.
“I don’t know,” Hermione answered, looking rather bewildered. “It would seem to me that twelve would be rather young to be sure of one’s sexual penchant. Although I did notice what seemed to be a definite magnetism between Marta and Becky last year.”
“Neither of them is my daughter,” Harry said, alarm evident in his voice. “What about Emily and Kim? I thought they both were fond of boys.”
Harry the homophobe.
Hermione seemed to ignore Harry as she watched Kim and Emily closely. Unlike Marta and Becky, who appeared to be extremely nervous, Emily and Kim were smiling and appeared to be having a splendid time.
“They’re pretending,” Hermione finally said. “Marta and Becky are genuine, but I think Kim and Emily are just role-playing.”
You should see the arguments over who gets to be the paladin.
“That’s wrong,” Harry said disappointedly. “I would expect the girls to support their friends, not make fun of them.”
Says the guy who was fretting about his daughter being gay a few lines ago, and gossiped like a mother hen and made unfunny jokes when he heard that his friend might be. You hypocritical shit.
“They aren’t making fun,” Hermione explained. “Don’t you see? They’re running diversionary tactics, but at the same time showing their support.”
“Where are you going?” Harry asked as Hermione abruptly got up from the table.
“I’ll be right back,” Hermione said, hastening in the direction of the Slytherin House table.
By now, most eyes in the Hall were on Hermione.
Why? Why is everyone so concerned about what's going on here? Is there nothing else happening in a school at the beginning of term?
When she got to the table she stopped behind Kim and Emily and placed her hands on their shoulders. She didn’t say a word, just smiled before squeezing their shoulders affectionately. Then she went over to Marta and Becky and squatted down between them. Both girls listened attentively as Hermione spoke briefly to them. Then she gave them both a kiss on the cheek before returning to the staff table.
As Hermione returned to her seat, Marta, tears filling her eyes, turned to Emily. “Do you realize how lucky you are to have her as a mother?”
Let's not mention the bit where this paragon of acceptance was more concerned that Caitlin and Emily in Chapter 22 were two girls, well, Chapter 22ing, than that they were two adopted sisters doing it.
“I had to tell them how proud I was,” Hermione said. “Do you understand just how much nerve it took for Marta and Becky to openly divulge their true feelings? I offered to facilitate when they’re ready to tell their parents.”
“At least not everyone is treating them as if they have the plague,” Harry said, indicating Doris Burke who had just concluded talking to Marta and Becky.
Talk about damning with faint praise. The Hogwarts student body aren't all homophobic jackasses: rejoice!
“Doris is a wonderful girl. I’m so glad that Jamie and her have become such good friends,” Hermione declared. “It’s difficult to believe that her parents were once supporters of Voldemort.”
Especially since we've never heard anything at all about her parents. We don't even know whether she's related to Burke as in the co-proprietor of Borgin and Burke's, or her name being the same is a Mark Evans moment.
“He’s another one,” Harry said, indicating Tyler Bancroft, who was now chatting with Becky and Marta. “His parents once ran a death camp for Voldemort and his brother should have been expelled from Hogwarts numerous times. Yet he seems like a great kid.”
Why hasn't Dick the dick been expelled, anyway? He tried to kill someone!
As Tyler walked past Emily, he touched her shoulder lightly. “I prayed that you’d be safely returned to us,” he said quietly before continuing toward his seat.
Who or what does a Slytherin pure-blood pray to? Salazar? If so, it didn't do much good considering that Salazar condemned them to death and only Jamie unicorning Hooch saved them.
Uncharacteristically, the hall suddenly became extremely quiet. Emily looked toward the head table expecting to see the Headmaster standing ready to speak, but instead she saw what had caused everyone in the room to become hushed. There was a large screech owl circling the head table. That was not unusual because the staff received mail regularly. What had gotten everyone’s attention was the red envelope clutched in the owl’s beak.
“One of the Professors is getting a Howler,” Caitlin whispered to her sister.
“I’ve never seen that before in my seven years,” Jamie said aghast. “Who would be so disrespectful as to send a professor a howler when they are surrounded by students?”
I don't think it'd be all that uncommon for people to get pissed off enough at Hogwarts teachers to send them Howlers, when you consider some of the things that teachers in the real world have to deal with. Especially with the Exposed!Hogwarts staff being more interested in getting their respective ends away than actually teaching classes.
“I wonder who it’s for?” Caitlin asked, but the words had barely escaped her lips, when the owl came to rest next to the Headmaster and politely offered the letter to him.
Katie and Severus exchanged edgy looks and then Katie did something she had never done before in public. She placed her hand reassuringly on top of Severus’.
I like how they're not even trying to keep their highly inappropriate carrying-on a secret.
“You better open it,” she said in an apprehensive whisper. “They only get worse the longer you delay. Best you get it over with.”
Yes, Severus Snape needs the advice of one of his former students on how to deal with Howlers.
“Who would be so juvenile and discourteous as to send the Headmaster a Howler?” Hermione asked disgustedly. “And at breakfast, of all times.”
If people can control where and when their owls deliver the post, why the hell did a group of post owls dive-bomb a Muggle cruise ship a few chapters back?
Severus stretched out his hand, relieved the envelop from the owl’s beak, and slit it open. For a moment it seemed like the envelope had exploded; a roar of sound filled the Great Hall.
“--JUST WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? --”
Percy Weasley’s voice roared, a hundred times louder than normal. The students stared at the head table, as the bellowing voice echoed off the stonewalls of the hall,
“THE STORY THAT APPEARED IN THE DAILY PROPHET DID SO WITH MY APPROVAL. I PERSONALLY VERIFIED ALL THE DETAILS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC, WOULD APPROVE A STORY THAT WAS NOT FULLY FACTUAL?
“WHEN I ATTENDED HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, I CONSIDERED YOU TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT TEACHER. IT IS REGRETFUL THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE LIES OF HARRY POTTER AND HIS MISGUIDED LEGION.
Yeah, about Harry and Snape being BFFs. As it happens, I've only just finished reading the second Psychic Serpent fic, Time of Good Intentions, in which Harry changes the past and finds himself in an AU where Snape is his stepfather. (It's honestly very good. Yes, this is a rec. Go forth and read - having read Psychic Serpent helps but isn't essential. ToGI is by far and away the best member of the trilogy.) It ends with Harry changing things back and retaining his memories, and giving Snape access via Pensieve to what he experienced in the other universe, thereby showing him what he could have been had things gone a bit differently. The problem with this informing Snape's characterisation in Hogwarts Exposed is that there are very few other references to ToGI - only the time-freezing spell and Ron being a werewolf ever really come up. Nothing at all about the AU, which is the meat of the story. Jamie's name is a reference to Harry's sister, which adds a whole new layer of squick to her interactions with him at the beginning of Exposed, but this coincidence was only ever pointed out on Yahoo.
Snape calmly rose to his feet as the letter burst into flames. “It is at times like these that people, even students as young as yourselves, are required to make choices, tough choices. I propose that you make your future decisions based on past history. When Lord Voldemort returned in the nineteen-nineties and sought to once again rule our world, Harry Potter and former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to warn the wizarding world. The Ministry and The Daily Prophet disparaged them both. Fortunately, we learned before it was too late who was giving us truthful information. We should learn from history where to place our trust.”
Which history, though? Order of the Phoenix or Psychic Serpent?
“What if he has you removed as Headmaster?” Katie asked concernedly. “Where will you go? What will you do?” She grasped Severus’ hand. “What will become of us?”
What will become of them? Maybe their relationship would become ethical. Or at least as ethical as a relationship with someone he's known since she was eleven and his student can be.
“The Ministry has absolutely no authority when it comes to running Hogwarts,” Severus said confidently. “Albus Dumbledore took care of that after all the difficulty with Fudge and that vicious Umbridge woman. Only the school Board of Governors can remove the Headmaster and that takes a two-thirds majority.”
Umbridge was at Exposed!Hogwarts. So the incident that was referred to in Chapter 2 of Exposed, otherwise known as the nipple-eating chapter:
She and Harry had been as intimate as two could be with each other during their fifth year. Also, in one of the accidents that occurred during that year, she had inadvertently shown way more of herself to Ron, Draco and Ginny then she had ever planned.
Did that happen when Draco was taking a break from hunting the DA with the Inquisitorial Squad to hang out with his best mates?
Why the author couldn't just have made the whole thing an AU I don't know.
“But what if he goes to the Board and they agree to remove you?” Katie asked, not convinced that Severus’ job was secure.
“As long as I have the support of Harry, Hermione and Ron, I’m not concerned,” Severus explained. “There are a lot of new, younger Board members now; they respect the Covenant and won’t be easily bamboozled by someone like Percy Weasley. Besides, I doubt he’ll even approach them. He won’t want to take the chance of looking weak if they refused his request.”
When did these new governors arrive?
“You never answered my question this morning,” Emily said, as she and Kim took seats next to each other for their first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class. “Has Brian written you at all?”
Kim didn’t answer, but instead glowed pink as she held up six fingers.
“He’s written you six letters,” Emily said excitedly. “You must have really made an impression on him.”
“I like him, too,” Kim said shyly. “If only he wasn’t a Muggle. It makes things so complicated. Even posting him a letter is a pain.”
Why? You give it to your owl and tell them to take it somewhere for the wizarding postal service to put it into the Muggle post system, just like the Hogwarts staff do when they're delivering letters to students who live in the Muggle world. Harry's first Hogwarts letter in Philosopher's Stone arrived with the normal post, after all.
“When are you going to tell Randy?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know what to do where he is concerned,” Kim said concernedly. “He’s really nice and I don’t want to hurt him. He lost Caitlin to Matt and you to Tyler.
Randy seems to have been going after all the girls. Well, when you've got to go through secondary school with a name like "Randy", embracing it is certainly one way to cope.
If I break up with him, it will be a nasty blow to his ego. Besides, what are the odds of Brian and I ever even seeing each other again, let alone becoming a couple? He’s in the United States and I’m here.”
I wonder if we'll see Brian again, possibly as part of an American delegation who are set to arrive at Hogwarts very soon. Anyway, enter Ginny. And not in the way Draco and Snape want to.
“You won’t be needing your wands in this class,” she said with a smile. “We’ll be talking about a different kind of
... wand.
magic; the magic of love, intimacy, conception and birth.
Thing is, though, the class is called "Anatomy of the Sexes". That doesn't suggest learning about love and intimacy; it suggests an hour spent labelling diagrams of the human reproductive system.
As the giggles subsided, Emily’s hand went in the air.
“Our first question,” Ginny said, her voice sounding both pleased and edgy.
“Emily Zacherley-Potter,” she said in introduction.
Yes, I think people know who you are. Especially when you seem to think that the whole school's attention revolves around you, and that nobody has a life of their own.
“I’ve been a nudist all my life. That doesn’t necessarily give me a heads up when it comes to knowledge about sex, but I probably have seen more naked people than anyone else in the room. I’ve noticed that some men have extremely large things. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn’t fit in your twat when you want to make love?”
When Emily finished her question, every face in the room was red. Not only had Emily jumped directly to the subject of insertion, but she had also brought up the subject of size.
If they're so ill-informed about sex that they need a lesson called "Anatomy of the Sexes", how do they even know the significance of this?
“You believe in getting right to the tough questions, don’t you?” Professor Weasley asked. “First things first, men do not have a thing or a dick or a prick. Men and boys have a penis. You do not have a twat or a pussy or a cunt; you have a vagina. I’d prefer if we use the proper terminology in this class.
It amuses me that the slang she cites isn't even the most common. I can't remember the last time I heard someone use "twat" in the literal sense, for example. Also, Emily knows the proper terms and has used them, so this was completely pointless in any case.
Denise’s arm shot up into the air. “Professor, this is more a suggestion rather than a question. I’ve been looking through our textbook and it is rather behind the times. Some of the pictures and charts look about a hundred years old.”
Again, someone who needs to attend "Anatomy of the Sexes" knows this how?
Professor Weasley nodded her head in agreement.
As opposed to all those other reasons for nodding her head.
“Why don’t we take advantage of the fact that we have two nudists in the class?” Denise questioned, seeming serious. “Instead of looking at some ancient charts, wouldn’t we all learn more by actually examining Kim or Emily nude? I’m sure it would help me understand my body better and it would be especially educational for the boys. Maybe the two of them would even offer to visit your other classes.”
Kim’s face immediately turned cherry red. She knew that Denise hated Emily and her, but couldn’t believe that even she would suggest something so humiliating?
What exactly was she hoping to achieve, anyway? There's no way that Ginny would have accepted the request, and it's not like them being nudists is some big secret that she's revealing (fnarr) to the whole class.
“That’s a ridiculous idea,” Tyler said without taking time to raise his hand and be recognized. “Even if one of the girls were actually foolish enough to be willing to do it, I’m sure the Board of Governors would never approve. Then, there are their parents and our parents to consider; I seriously doubt many of them would consent. Plus, it would be sexist to only have a female model.”
“You could volunteer,” Janice suggested. “I know personally that I‘d be willing to study late into the night if you were the model.”
Hang on, isn't Tyler her cousin?
“Okay! Okay! That’s enough!” Ginny shouted. “Denise, you’ll be spending tomorrow evening with me in detention. I don’t appreciate my class being disrupted. I’m not an idiot, young lady. I know that suggestion was only made to embarrass Emily and Kim. Class dismissed,” Ginny proclaimed.
Well, that was a short lesson.
“Why doesn’t the Minister believe you?” Matt asked, as he, Caitlin and Randy headed for the North Tower and their first Divination class.
“Mum says it’s all political,” Caitlin replied. “Percy Weasley desperately wants the position of Minister of Magic, but is fearful that he will be voted out if people feel our world is in jeopardy.”
Randy shook his head. “Power-hungry, bigheaded git!”
I can see why Caitlin is so concerned about Percy, because it's her testimony that he's rejecting, but why are Matt and Randy suddenly taking an interest in politics?
“That about sums it up,” Caitlin said. “How much further is it to the North Tower? Isn’t there some sort of short cut we can take? We won’t make a very good impression on Professor Trelawney if we’re late.”
Harry hadn't actually seen Trelawney before, neatly explaining why she was absent from Philosopher's Stone and Chamber of Secrets, but she has in fact ventured into the rest of the castle in Hogwarts Exposed. She is, or at least was until the author forgot, best friends with Ginny.
“Calm down,” Randy said. “I don’t even understand why you’re taking the subject. Aren’t you the one that tried to talk Matt and me out of it because your Mum said it was a lot of malarkey? I thought you were going to take Muggle Studies instead.”
“Yeah, but then you guys both decided to take it anyway and I wanted to be with you. Besides Mum can teach me anything I need to know about Muggle Studies,” Caitlin added.
“I think we’re lost,” Matt finally admitted, as they stopped next to a painting of a short, squat knight in a suit of armor leaning against a tree as his fat, dapple-gray pony fed on the green grass.
So we get a rehash of the Sir Cadogan scene from Prisoner of Azkaban, then:
“I think we go up this ladder, Randy offered. “It sounds like most of our class is already up there.”
“Hold up a second,” Caitlin said as she read the sign above the robes.
Classroom can be extremely warm in September, May and June. Robes are not required.
The author has never made it clear what exactly he thinks wizards wear under their robes. For all we know, they're all naked up there. And this being Hogwarts Exposed, that wouldn't be out of the question. Also, why has Trelawney suddenly made robes optional when they weren't in canon?
“I’m keeping mine on,” Randy said as he started climbing the ladder.
“Not me. I’m already roasting,” Caitlin said, removing her robes and hanging them on an empty hook, then starting up the ladder.
“Likewise,” Matt said as he also removed his robes and then began to follow Caitlin up the silvery ladder.
“This is the right place,” Caitlin called down to Matt. “Lookup at the brass plaque on the trapdoor.”
Matt looked up, but his eye never quite made it to the plaque.
It's ambiguous as to whether Caitlin intended Matt to look up her skirt (which would surely be some kind of sexual harassment) or this was another oh-so-wacky coincidence. Regardless, we cut to Ginny and Draco. Now in Psychic Serpent, they were together and ended up splitting up when Ginny realised she'd be better with Harry. I don't actually know what happened between them in Hogwarts Exposed, but Draco was ogling Hermione (a subplot which went nowhere) then Ginny was with Snape before instead hooking up with Draco, and for some unholy reason Harry and Hermione cared about who Snape was shagging. The author is clearly trying to do the Psychic Serpent thing: whereas Harry starts off with Hermione then discovers he's better with Ginny, the author seems to be going for Snape realising he'd rather be with Ginny than Katie. Where it falls down is that someone who's not his employee and former student is a better fit for Snape than either of them, not to mention that neither of them have personalities to speak of. And nor does HE!Snape.
This, of course, would leave Draco up shit creek without a paddle, because he's realised that he wants kids. Yes.
“Draco, I come from a large family. Naturally I’ve thought of having children; not as many as my Mum, of course, but I’d like at least two.” Ginny quickly recovered as she kept in mind Draco’s usual aversion of any discussion involving marriage. “But it’s not something I desperately want,” she lied. “I’m content teaching and having you as a lover.”
Ginny, if you remember, was asking her friends whether Draco or Snape would make a better father before she was even in a serious relationship with either of them.
“You like Timmy, don’t you?” Draco asked.
“Of course I do,” Ginny answered. Suddenly there was concern in her voice. “Draco, please tell me that you’re not thinking of trying to take him away from Sam and Ron again.”
“No! I couldn’t do that,” Draco replied despondently. “Sam loves him too much. Besides, she’s a great mother. Your git of a brother isn’t half bad as a surrogate father either. Plus, they’ve both been first-rate by allowing me to play an ever-increasing part in Timmy’s up bringing. I was more thinking of a kid I could be with from the moment he popped out of the oven.”
“Have you given any thought as to how old you want to be when you conceive this progeny?” Ginny asked sheepishly.
Just, why the fuck would Ginny Weasley say "progeny". I'm not sure even Hermione would describe her own kids as her progeny.
“That’s the tough part,” Draco grumbled. “I don’t want to wait until I’m an old fart that can’t even straddle a broom anymore to teach his kid how to play Quidditch.
I thought wizards didn't age as fast as Muggles in the HE-verse.
Yet, I don’t want to toss aside my wild youthful years and settle down with one woman too quickly. Maybe I’ll be ready when I’m about twenty-five.”
“But you are twenty-five,” Ginny said, astonishment apparent in her voice. “Do you have someone in mind to carry your offspring or do you just intend to hire a stand-in mother through the want ads?”
Yeah, the Daily Prophet classifieds have a whole section for surrogate mothers.
“I’ve treated the mother rather badly in the past,” Draco replied. “I’ve taken her for granted, rarely told her how much she actually means to me. I’m not sure if she realizes how much I love her or if she’d even be willing to marry me.”
Ginny just gawked at Draco in disbelief. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“I’m not very good at this romantic stuff,” Draco answered.
Neither is Hermione, but that's not stopped HE!Hermione from vomiting the most tedious glurge all over the story.
“I’ve always lived for the day, never thought about the future. The last few weeks have made me rethink my life. Those kids could have been killed. None of us knows when our last day will arrive. I want to be with you and our children before my final day comes.”
Draco took Ginny’s hand and got down on his knees as curious students rushed past them. “Ginevra Molly Weasley, will you marry me?”
And cut. Of course.
“Matt is something wrong?” Caitlin inquired as they headed for dinner that evening. “You haven’t been acting like your normal self since Divination Class. Don’t tell me that you’re still upset about what Professor Trelawney said.”
“Matt, I’m not going to die!” Caitlin avowed. “Mum says that Professor Trelawney has predicted the death of a student every year since she arrived at the school. None has died yet and I don’t intend to be the first.”
Speaking of recycled material from the canon.
“That had me worried,” Matt admitted. “But I know that Trelawney is a fraud and what she says can’t be taken seriously.”
Except for, you know, the actual prophecies she's actually delivered. For the most part she is a fraud, but this new generation seem well-informed enough about the exploits of their parents (maybe they read the books?) that they'd also know that she's a true Seer under it all. I wonder whether she acts like a stereotypical charlatan fortune-teller to keep people from learning about her powers.
Caitlin looked at Matt questioningly. “If it wasn’t that, then what has you so upset?”
“We have to talk in private,” Matt said as they reached the Charms classroom. He tried the door and found it to be unlocked. “In here, quick,” he said, checking to see that no one was watching them.
Fanfic!Hogwarts has a lot of empty classrooms. I'm surprised they even needed to build the Room of Requirement, because it seems that you can just nip into any classroom you happen to be walking past and it'll be conveniently empty.
“Caitlin, I’m sorry,” Matt sobbed, turning away from her.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” she asked, confused. “Matt, did you find another girl this summer? Are you about to break up with me?”
“Break up! No way!” Matt said fervently. “I love you. I want to be with you always.”
To be honest, I find a 13-year-old talking like this a lot more plausible than Hermione talking like this, so that's something I guess.
Matt hung his head ashamedly. “Caitlin, I feel like some sort of pervert.
You're in Hogwarts Exposed. It really does come with the territory.
“Well, when I looked up, I ended up seeing up your skirt.”
Caitlin blushed slightly. “I’m sorry!” she said, giving him a hug. “I’ve never seen myself from that view point, but I imagine it’s not very photogenic.”
I'm surprised she hasn't seen herself from that viewpoint, considering what the POV is like in this fic.
“You don’t understand,” Matt blubbered. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You’re beautiful! Every part of you is beautiful.”
Matt lowered his voice as if afraid someone would hear what he was about to say next. He audibly gulped. “By the time we reached the top of that ladder, I wanted to jump on top of you and…you know… do it. I’m sorry, you must think I’m some kind of an animal.”
That doesn't really distinguish him from any other character in Hogwarts Exposed. They've all got so many raging hormones that they're in danger of overdosing themselves.
“I think nothing of the sort,” Caitlin said, as she held Matt tightly. “You can’t imagine how many times I’ve thought of us being together.” She sighed heavily. “But we’re only thirteen. The consequences of us having sex are just too dreadful to imagine.”
Caitlin bit her lip. “We can’t have intercourse, but there are other things my parents do to make each other feel good.”
And not just her parents, if Chapter 22 is anything to go by.
A chill went through Caitlin’s body. She couldn’t believe what she was about to propose; she wasn’t even sure she had the guts to actually do it.
Well, she did it to Emily.
“What are you suggesting?” Matt asked.
“Forget I said anything,” Caitlin answered fearfully. “It was a bad idea. Besides, I’m not even sure that what I have in mind wouldn’t trigger some sort of magical alarm.
Like it didn't in Chapter 22?
“That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about,” Matt said, suddenly sounding more angry rather than embarrassed. “I want you to start wearing trousers instead of skirts.”
Or, you know, robes.
“I beg your pardon?” Caitlin said, not believing what she had just heard Matt say.
“I was originally going to tell you to just start wearing knickers,” Matt said, “but I don’t fancy boys looking up your skirt and seeing your bare legs either.”
This is just straightforward character derailment, insofar as Matt even has a character, because there's been no hint that
Caitlin sadly shook her had. “Matt, do you remember holding up a skinny, naked eleven-year-old on your shoulders two years ago as she tried to convince all of Gryffindor that Jamie Zacherley should be allowed to practice nudism in the common room?”
Matt nodded his head.
“Do you recall that I remained naked the remainder of that night? You, Randy and I had a grand time. I don’t recollect you once telling me to cover myself then and I’m sure you got quite a view when I bobbed for apples.”
And, like I said before, having your characters point out their own bad characterisation doesn't magically make the characterisation any less bad.
“Matt, since we’ve been a couple, how many things about yourself have I asked you to change? Caitlin inquired.
After thinking for a few moments, Matt responded, “Nothing.”
“That’s because I like you the way you are. I wouldn’t have said yes to being your girlfriend if there were traits about you I didn’t like.”
That's not how relationships work.
“Can you remember the names of anymore of these Death Eaters?” Salazar Slytherin asked. “They sound like the type of people that would readily support me.”
Goyle shook his head. “We were just ending our seventh year when He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was defeated. Many of his followers were killed in battles preceding his demise.”
Why the hell is Goyle scared of saying the name of a dead wizard when he's talking to Salazar Slytherin?
Slytherin paced the room for a few moments in silence, before speaking again. “You will first personally contact all the living former Death Eaters. I want you to offer them the opportunity to unreservedly join me. They should provide us with a strong nucleus.”
The Death Eaters were already working for the Great One as of Exposed, so why do they need this recruitment drive?
“Then we will procure as much information as we can on deceased and imprisoned Death Eaters. Their progeny should be eager to avenge their parents. If not, I will offer them an enticement as well. Thanks to the new Minister of Magic, we should have a sizeable organization assembled before the wizard world is even aware of my reincarnation.”
I think "progeny" was on the author's word of the day calendar.
Jamie grabbed the books off her bed and hurried out of the seventh year girls’ dormitory to join Alex and Amanda, who were already in the common room. As she was about to pass the third year dorm, the door opened and Caitlin slowly emerged.
“What are you doing!?” Jamie asked, coming to an abrupt halt.
“I’m about to give Matt an answer,” Caitlin answered, trying to hold back her tears.
“No you’re not,” Jamie barked. “At least not until I know the question.”
How does Jamie even know something's up here? It can't be her super-special-awesome intention-sensing powers, because they've already been retconned out of the story.