Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 20
I intended to post Chapters 20 and 21 together, but the post was too long for LJ so they're separate after all. 21 should be up in a minute.
Before we begin this sporking, some links. Firstly: a couple more interesting Neil quotes. Secondly: I said I'd WTFFanfiction the line about Hermione wanting to talk to Snape about pregnancy, and so I did.
"Mum it's time to have your picture taken," Caitlin shouted, as she took the camera off the mantelpiece and waited impatiently with Emily.
"I don't believe I allowed you to let them talk me into this," Hermione proclaimed to Harry, her face blushing.
Normally it's just her left toe that blushes.
"I don't understand why it embarrasses you so much," Harry asked, puzzled. "They're your daughters and they see you nude all the time. Why are these picture sessions so discomforting to you?"
"I don't think it's the pictures as much as the clinical observations," Hermione admitted with a sigh. "The girls and I are nude around each other all the time, so much so, that none of us really think about it any more. But when they take these pictures they really examine me, as if they are healers and I'm a patient. It's disconcerting to have them talk about how various parts of my body are changing as the baby develops."
... dammit, I'd completely forgotten about this thread. Why couldn't the author have done so too? If he had the first clue about continuity and character development, Emily wouldn't want anything to do with nude photography right now. The examination is just as creepy as you'd expect, and the conversation the girls have afterwards is no less so:
"Do you think they wanted us to go to bed so the could make love?" Caitlin asked as she slid into bed.
"I don't see why tonight should be any different than any other night," Emily answered. "I think its part of their going to bed ritual. You and I brush our teeth and take a pee before going to bed; they have sex, then brush their teeth and have a pee."
May I remind you that these girls are eleven and twelve, and most kids at that age would be horrified beyond belief at the thought of their parents having sex. Even knowing that it must logically have happened at some point. (Well, not in the case of Caitlin and Emily.) And, for that matter, unable to discuss the subject at all without a lot of embarrassed giggling. I've lately been reading Nicola Morgan's excellent Write to be Published, which has this to say:
Your ten-year-old MC needs to do and think about the sort of things that real ten-year-olds do and think about. Sex, for example, would not be an example.
She's talking about children's books here, but it's just as good advice for young characters in fiction for any audience.
"Do you actually think they have sex every night?" Caitlin asked, astonished.
"I think it's a rarity when they don't," Emily answered. "Do you think either of us will ever find someone that will love us as much as they love each other?"
"I hope so," Caitlin answered optimistically. "We have plenty of time. We're both rather young to worry about that."
I really wish I didn't know what this was foreshadowing.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Although he had taken a shower, it had done very little to actually wake Alex up. He was not a morning person, never had been and never would be, but he was especially not a four o'clock in the morning person. He was quite content knowing the ungodly hour simply existed; he didn't see the necessity of actually experiencing it.
I can sympathise with Alex here. Why, again, are they not going to London by Floo powder or Portkey or whatever?
Unfortunately, he had no choice today. The train for London departed at five, making such an early wakeup necessary.
You probably do have to leave that early to make a day trip to London from the Scottish Highlands by train: the closest real-world equivalent, the direct service from Inverness to London, takes about 8 hours. And again, why?
As he stumbled bleary eyed down the stairs to the common room, he wondered if Jamie had been able to drag herself out of bed. His question was answered as soon as he reached the bottom of the steps.
"How in the world can you look so happy and beautiful at this hour?" he asked.
"Because I'm a Mary Sue!"
"What's all this?" Alex asked sleepily, as he took the large basket from Jamie and headed for the door to the common room.
"Just my clothes and a nice lunch that Dobby packed for us," she answered.
"From the weight of this basket, I think it's more like breakfast, lunch and dinner," Alex whined.
"Knowing Dobby, it probably is."
Dobby, who's been mentioned all of twice in Hogwarts Exposed and never actually appeared in a scene, let alone met Jamie and Alex.
"Breakfast is served, or do you intend to snooze the entire trip away? Jamie asked.
"What smells so good?" Alex asked as he rubbed his eyes and then sat up startled. "How in the world did you cook all that food in a train compartment?"
Badfic Rail would like to welcome you aboard the FPODD Express, calling at Bugger All Description, Lazy Author, Might As Well Be A Scriptfic, Did You Publish Your Outline By Mistake and It's Not Even Good Dialogue Anyway.
"I didn't," Jamie admitted. "I just used a heating charm on the breakfast items Dobby packed for us. You were correct about the basket. He crammed all three meals in it for us. I'm going to have to give him a big kiss when we get back to Hogwarts."
"If you're giving away kisses, I'd like a few," Alex said lovingly.
I joked about "I love you," he said lovingly (the How Not To Write a Novel example of horribly redundant adverbs) last time, and this is almost it.
"I think I can manage that. How about one now and then a bunch after breakfast?" Jamie teased.
"I'm not sure if I can stop after just one," Alex said, as he took Jamie in his arms. "Your kisses are like potato chips.
He takes one and eats it? Anyway, back to Hogwarts where Emily, Caitlin and Kim are hatching their evil plan to sneak into Hogsmeade.
"Forgive me for doubting your wisdom, Oh Great Slytherin," Caitlin said mockingly. "Will you share your great and evil plan with me or is it necessary to keep the lowly Gryffindor in the dark?"
"Nah! I'll tell you," Emily said with a giggle. "I imagine you can be trusted. I already moved the map and cloak to our room and hid them in my closet.
And it's not the only thing she's got in there, if Chapter 22 is anything to go by.
Kim will join us after breakfast, and we'll decide which tunnel to use."
... no comment.
"That was a delicious breakfast," Alex said, looking longingly at Jamie. "I know one doesn't normally have dessert with breakfast, but I could certainly go for one of your delicious kisses about now."
"I can do better than a kiss," Jamie said naughtily as she drew the window covers and did a locking charm on the compartment door. "I thought perhaps we could practice a little for Monday night. You know, not the main feature, but the preliminaries."
"Then we're really going to join at last?" Alex asked, his faith in miracles restored.
Jamie apparently refers to it as "joining" because her dad was a Seer (except when it counted) and... it was never elaborated beyond that, so I'm imagining some weird nudist cult like Kieran Halcyon's druids.
Jamie whispered softly in Alex's ear. "I have a surprise for you. Undo my robes."
He didn't question her, but did as instructed and then froze as the robes dropped to the floor revealing her luscious naked form.
Why is it so surprising that she's got nothing on under her robes? Frankly, it's surprising enough that she's got her robes on. Also: nudity is completely nonsexual.
"This map is fantastic," Kim said as she pointed out various tiny ink dots moving around the parchment.
"Look," Caitlin said. "It looks like Bancroft and Crow are taking a shower. Want to go have another look, Kim?"
"We don't have any time for such frivolity," Emily chided. "We have to figure out which of these secret passages will get us to Hogsmeade."
"How many total did you find?" Kim inquired.
This leads to an incredibly overlong conversation followed by them deciding to go down one of the collapsed passages because nobody told them that only the one-eyed witch is safe. It's supposed to build tension, but serves only as padding. Why? There's no urgency in the scene; they don't need to get to Hogsmeade before Dick the dick and Crow get there, but are only going so they can laugh at their reaction when they find that the pics aren't what they expected. Cut once again to the train compartment, where Jamie is about to give Alex a blow job. Which apparently doesn't count as "joining" for reasons the author doesn't bother to explore. I wish there were more things he didn't bother to explore.
"Alex, you have no idea what you do to me," Jamie sighed contentedly, as she stared at him mesmerized. "Now its my turn to make you feel good."
"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Alex said concernedly, his faced flushed. "Doing you has me highly aroused. I'm afraid that as soon as your lips touch my…. Well, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold back."
"Then don't," Jamie said empathically.
How the fuck do you say something empathically?
"That will be something we've never tried."
"Are you sure?" Alex asked, a look of surprise covering his face.
"Now you mention it, I might have given you one before."
"Honestly no, but I want us to try every way possible to give pleasure to each other.
I'm sure there's a 50SoG joke in there somewhere.
"Let's try this one," Caitlin suggested. "It's only down one floor, and I think I recognize the statue. I believe it's the one of that hump-backed, one-eyed witch."
"Why are witches always depicted as old and ugly while wizards are made out to all be handsome and dashing?" Kim inquired, angrily. "Its chauvinistic."
So completely unlike the portrayal of women in Hogwarts Exposed.
"I'm sure our Mum would be willing to discuss that at lengths with you," Caitlin commented, "but right now we best get a move on."
Canon!Hermione might. HE!Hermione, on the other hand, LOL. Anyway, they go through the passage. And speaking of going through passages:
I can do this Jamie kept telling herself as she struggled desperately not to gag.
No, there were no italics or anything to represent the thought.
It wasn't her most pleasant experience, but then it was the first time; she could get accustomed to it, possibly even enjoy it in time. That look of total ecstasy on his face made it all worthwhile. She desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him, but hesitated. Would he want to kiss her immediately after she had done that? It didn't bother her in the least to kiss him after he had pleasured her, but that was different.
Wait, he had pleasured her in that way? When did this happen?
Two days until they joined. It seemed like forever. Could they wait? Did they even want to consider waiting? His hands caressed her smooth back, finally coming to rest on her perfectly shaped bum. He held her cheeks tightly in his hands. She was perfect; she was a goddess; a goddess that loved him.
"Ten minutes," the voice announced. "We will be arriving at King's Cross station in ten minutes."
If the train leaves Hogsmeade at 5 am, then it's not getting into King's Cross any time before the early afternoon. Certainly not ten minutes plus blow job after breakfast. Consider that the 11 am train going the other way doesn't get into Hogsmeade until it's getting dark, which contrary to this author's belief is quite late on the 1st September.
Completely hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak, Emily, Caitlin and Kim emerged into the sunlight outside Honeydukes.
"It's a beautiful sunny day," Caitlin announced. "I wish we had left our clothes back at the castle. We could have gotten an early start on an all over tan. I understand Invisibility Cloaks only have a SPF level of 1."
Kim looked at Caitlin skeptically. "You can't be serious? It was only forty degrees in that passage. We would have frozen to death."
I didn't think Hogwarts Exposed characters felt the cold. On the temperature confusion, a reviewer on Portkey did eventually call him out on it:
45 degrees? you probaly forgot that this is in England. 45 degrees means extremely hot. I think you mean 6 degrees.
(I'll overlook that Hogwarts is in Scotland, just this once.) His reply was a smug comment to the effect that at least he didn't have them celebrating the Fourth of July. Good work damning yourself with faint praise there. ( Relevant link is relevant.) I think he can't have had many readers from the UK, with all the basic Britpicking errors that go mostly unquestioned. These aren't even a matter of people's taste in writing style (hi, HG131) or anything like that; these are objective factual mistakes.
They wondered through town toward the road that led to Hogwarts, hoping to run into the Slytherin bullies, but with no luck. Finally after about a half hour of searching, they gave up and started walking through town pointing out the various sights to Kim, who had never visited Hogsmeade. They climbed a slope to see the Shrieking Shack, the most haunted dwelling in Britain; then they visited Zonko's.
They were just approaching the post office to show Kim the hundreds of owls from Great Grays down to tiny little Scops owls,
And the Dark Arts shop with an illegal abortion clinic in the back room three doors down.
when Emily pulled them to an abrupt halt. There, exiting the post office was Dick Bancroft and his faithful subordinate, Dennis Crow.
"It's them," Emily whispered excitedly. "Maybe we're not too late. Let's see if we can get close enough to hear what they are saying."
The girls held onto the cloak and each other tightly as they crept within a few yards of the two Slytherin boys.
"The pictures and posters should be done by now," Crow mumbled, checking his watch.
"Perfect timing," Bancroft said, beaming.
You can say that again. They just happen to start discussing the pics as the girls show up; what were the odds?
"I'm supposed to meet Mr. Lyler in front of the camera shop at eleven o'clock. I can't believe that people will actually pay money for pictures of a naked young girl. She doesn't even have anything worth looking at."
You were looking "lecherously" at her all of two chapters ago, remember? Continuity! And of course Lyler is the guy who was taking pics at Cap d'Agde as well, because there's only one pervert in the HEverse. Or, more accurately, only one designated pervert.
"Your brother seemed quite enthralled by her," Crow laughed. "I bet he can't wait to see the pictures."
"Actually, the little jerk told me to shove the pictures up my arse," Dick admitted. "The boy has no respect for his elders. He thinks that I'm a bastard for what I'm doing. Can you believe it? He was actually fond of that little tart? Lucky that I was able to blackmail him into taking those pictures or he'd probably still be licking her proper little arse."
LOOK AT ME I'M SO BRITISH I SAY "TART" AND "ARSE" LOOK
Dennis and Dick turned down the side street next to the post office with the girls trying to stay within hearing range without being detected.
"I've never been down this street before," Caitlin whispered.
"And I won't be upset if I never step foot on it again," Kim said as they passed a shop with what appeared to be real shrunken heads hanging in the filthy window.
Well, that explains the Dark Arts shop. Apparently Hogsmeade's answer to Knockturn Alley is down the side of the Owl Office (why?) which would have made a lot more sense to have been revealed earlier.
"A good place to avoid," Kim declared, as they suddenly came to a stop in front of a shop displaying the name 'XXX Pictographic'.
Considering that "XXX" in relation to porn originated as a reference to film certificates, why would the wizarding world have adopted it when they don't have films?
Dick had gone up to greet a short, thin, balding man who was waiting next to the steps of the shop.
"Good morning, Mr. Lyler. Its extremely nice to see you again," Dick said in his most flattering fashion. "I hope you haven't been waiting long."
Dick the dick just happens to know (and how does a Hogwarts student get those kinds of contacts, anyway?) the same guy who took the pics at Cap d'Agde, and just happens to be handing him his own pics of one of the same girls.
"Yes, yes. I'm sure it will be interesting," Frank said, now shaking rather than nodding his head.
Which could signify anything, really.
"Let's have a look at the pictures," Dennis said impatiently. "I want to see what your brother fancied so much."
It only took one picture for enthusiasm to turn to shock, then anger and finally rage.
"That little prick," Bancroft shouted, forgetting he was on a public street. "I'm going to hang him from the common room ceiling by his balls. He hoaxed me! The little bastard never took pictures of the slut."
"Wait." Crow disputed. "We've really been had, but this is way beyond your little brother's talent. Whoever took these pictures must have gotten into Slytherin Dungeon with an Invisibility Cloak. How else could they have gotten these pictures?"
What a convenient insight. It's not like there's any other way of becoming invisible, or indeed of sneaking a camera into the boys' showers.
Dick tried to repress his angry and think intelligently.
That would be a first for anyone in this fic.
"Zacherley, fucking Jamie Zacherley. She did this! It all makes sense. Somehow Emily realized she had been duped by my brother and went to her sister for help. Jamie was there the day that damn Ravenclaw said I smelled. She must have followed us back to our dorm, switched film and then took these pictures of us in the shower."
This is almost a decent bit of misdirection: he now wrongly suspects Jamie, and there's an actual reason behind it. I say "almost" because it doesn't actually change anything with regard to the plot and characterisation, as he hated Jamie before and now still does.
Dennis hesitated momentarily and then asked. "What about the negatives that Frank Lyler has?
Dick face became wan.
This is why proofreading is important, unless we've hopped into the head of one of the girls and she's actually thinking of him as "dickface".
He'd never get Lyler to return those pictures. "Damn! That's why that clerk in the store tried to touch my hand when he gave me my change," Bancroft cried. "He even asked me out for coffee. Everyone who sees those picture will think you and I are poofs!"
And no, this is no funnier than the last time the author dusted off the old "mistaken for gay" thing.
"Do you like London?" Alex asked as they hustled by bookshops, restaurants and cinemas en route to the Leaky Cauldron.
They were now wearing muggle clothes, having put their robes in Jamie's suitcase and shrunken both it and the picnic basket.
Though they seem to wear Muggle clothes whenever the author forgets they're supposed to be wearing robes, even at Hogwarts.
"Not really," Jamie answered. "It's too crowded and the people are in too much of a rush."
At least this author has remembered that London has people in it.
"Where would you like to live?" he asked.
"In a dream place that doesn't exist," she replied. "You'd laugh."
"No I wouldn't," Alex said truthfully as he held her hand even tighter. "Please tell me about it."
Jamie blushed. "It would be a quiet little village, something like Hogsmeade, but without all the Hogwarts students. The people would all be nice and friendly and you would be judged solely on your inner being."
They could just go and live among Halcyon's druids.
"Jamie, how will we handle the nudity issue when we get married?" Alex asked, concernedly.
A question nobody has ever asked.
They were so caught up in each other that they nearly passed the tiny pub, unnoticed.
"It never changes, does it?" Alex asked, as they entered the Leaky Cauldron.
"I hope not," Jamie said as she looked lovingly around the dark, shabby, grubby-looking pub. "Some things just shouldn't be messed with."
"Hey, why aren't you two at Hogwarts?" Tom, the old bartender called out.
Hogwarts attendance isn't mandatory, so a sixteen-year-old witch and wizard walking into the Leaky Cauldron on a Saturday lunchtime wouldn't raise that much suspicion. Especially considering how diverse the clientele is at the best of times.
"We must go to Ollivanders," Alex answered, slightly embarrassed. "I sat on my wand and broke it."
"Weren't carrying it in you back pocket, were yea?" Tom questioned. "That's a very dangerous thing to do. One could lose their backside that way, they could."
Apparently, everyone in the Potterverse has been taking lessons from Mad-Eye Moody.
"That's what Professor Potter warned him," Jamie said.
"Harry Potter! You have Harry Potter as a Professor? You listen to him! He's a great wizard, he is. You know your way?" Tom asked, pointing to a door, leading to a small, walled, courtyard.
Tom didn't know that Harry was a Hogwarts Professor, despite it being all over the Daily Prophet and despite, as the barman at the Leaky Cauldron, probably overhearing a thousand conversations about the state of the wizarding world every day.
"I've always loved this," Jamie said as the little girl in her watched the bricks moving about and finally forming an archway to Diagon Alley. "I wish we had time to walk around and window shop."
"So do I," Alex agreed, "but it's already nearly noon.
No it isn't. Not if you got the train at 5 am.
The shop looked empty at first, but then Mr. Ollivander stuck his head out of a backroom and said, "I'll be right with you."
"I was just about to close for lunch," the soft-spoken man said as he approached them. "Miss Zacherley and Mr. Ward, isn't it? What can I do for you today?"
"I need to get a replacement wand," Alex said, guiltily as he reached in his pocket and pulled out the two pieces of wood that had once formed his wand.
Mr. Ollivander looked sternly at Alex. "Young man, I hope you're not in the habit of carrying your wand in your back pocket. It's against the rules of elementary wand safety and a very good way to lose a buttock."
"So I've been told," Alex said, resigned to hearing this story the balance of his life.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 48
As Mr. Ollivander began fitting Alex with a wand, Jamie meandered around the tiny shop, marveling at how anyone could find what he or she was seeking in what appeared to be total disarray. She was just sticking her head nosily in the backroom when she heard a clock begin to chime the noon hour. She wondered if Alex heard the clock because that meant they only had an hour remaining in order to catch their return train.
But, this being the Exposed!Hogwarts Express, there'll be another one along in ten minutes. Back to Hogwarts, and for whatever reason Emily, Caitlin and Kim haven't made it back from their trip to spy on Dick the dick being set up.
Hermione just picked at her lunch, looking worriedly out at the students in the Great Hall. The Hall was unusually quiet due to most third years and above being in Hogsmeade. It wasn't the quiet, however, that bothered Hermione - it was the absence of three faces.
This is actually a serviceable if sparse bit of scene-setting. I'm as surprised as you are.
"Harry, I'm worried about the girls," Hermione confided. "I haven't seen Kim, Emily or Caitlin since early this morning."
"I thought you said they went to the library?" Harry asked placidly.
"I had assumed they went to the library when they left our quarters early this morning, but evidently I was misdirected," Hermione answered. "I just came from the library and Madam Pince told me she hasn't seen them all day. Now they're not at lunch."
Now Harry deduces that they've gone to Hogsmeade with the Invisibility Cloak and Marauder's Map (yay convenient insight!) but isn't too concerned. (Surprisingly in character here: long after this was written, JKR told us about how young James stole the Marauder's Map from his dad's desk but Harry wasn't overly bothered.) Hermione seems to be back to her eleven-year-old self from Philosopher's Stone: forced conflict is forced.
Harry never finished his sentence. His attention, along with that of every one else in the Great Hall, was drawn to the Phoenix that had entered, circled the hall and was now holding his leg out to the Headmaster. As soon as the message was detached, the bird disappeared with a flash.
Severus read the message, seemed ready to stand, and then read the message again. He either didn't believe or didn't want to believe what was written upon the parchment. Slowly he rose to his feet. The hall, already silent, was ready for him to speak.
"I have sad news to report," Severus began slowing. "If you've been keeping up with the news, you are undoubtedly aware that both our world and the Muggle world have in recent years been suffering at the hands of terrorists, cowards that seek to control the world by killing innocent children and civilians in an undeclared war.
Of course, nobody has been keeping up with the news because the only such incident that's ever been mentioned in the story was Wrong's false-flag attack on her own office in the previous chapter.
"One of these groups is headed by an individual who has the audacity to call himself 'The Great One'. The only thing great about this coward is his ego. Unhappily, two attacks were carried out today which have been credited to this individual. The attacks took place simultaneously at noon. One occurred in Diagon Alley and the other in Hogsmeade. Regrettably, there were numerous innocent people injured today, many of who are Hogwarts students. One of our own was killed."
Suddenly the hall was filled with murmurs and questions.
"Please," Severus almost begged, his eyes now actually tearing.
Someone is actually crying in Hogwarts Exposed. Truly a remarkable and noteworthy occurrence.
"Hermione, Harry, we have to talk," Severus said despondently.
"Should we come to your office?" Hermione asked fearfully.
"No, that won't be necessary," he said quietly. "Just enough so we are away from prying eyes."
He led them into the chamber directly behind the staff table.
"What is it Severus?" Harry asked as soon as the door closed.
It really doesn't help the drama of this scene that "What is it Severus" without the comma scans exactly the same as "how are you gentlemen". I half expect to see the main screen turn on and Wrong declare that all their base are belong to her. In fact, that would probably improve the plot.
"I'm deeply sorry," Severus said, as Harry flung his arms around Hermione to comfort her. "The causality is one of your girls.
Considering this is leading up to a time-travel subplot, that's possibly the best Freudian slip ever.
I'm sorry, but we've lost…."
And thus the chapter ends.
"Wait, what?" I hear you cry. Honestly, this is how the chapter ends, and the main thing that led me to do 20 and 21 as a single update. I recently stumbled across a blog post by John Finnemore, writer and co-star of the delightful Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure, whose most recent episode (for which the link contains spoilers) sports a massive cliffhanger ending. Finnemore presents his "rules for cliffhangers", with which I'm inclined to agree:
1. They're very powerful, but very annoying, so they should be used very sparingly, and only when there's a good reason. This is the first cliffhanger I've done in CP, and it seemed to me that the question of [spoilers redacted] were both too big to be dealt with in a single episode.
2. You can't use a cliff-hanger instead of an ending. Some shows do, but I think it's cheating. Any episode that ends with a cliffhanger must also have a satisfying conclusion in itself. Ideally, the main question of the episode should be answered - but the answer should then throw up an unexpected larger question, which provides the cliff-hanger.
3. The cliffhanger has to be an emotional one, or at least a direct dilemma for a central character or characters, not a physical or external one. The question left unanswered must always be 'What will he or she do now?' not 'What will happen to him or her now?' To take an example completely at random, a bad cliff-hanger would be 'The hero's been forced to jump off a roof! Will he survive?', but a good cliff-hanger is 'He DID survive! But how? And why's he hiding from his friend?'
And most importantly of all:
4. A cliff-hanger is a promise to the audience. It's implicitly saying 'I'm withholding the gratification of giving you the answer now, but trust me, when you get it, you'll think it was worth the wait.'
Suffice to say Hogwarts Exposed fails on all counts. Now 1, 2 and 4 are all quite subjective, but 3 bears further examination. "What will they do next?" is almost always a more interesting question than "what will be done to them next?", so better able to sustain a cliffhanger. (We can draw parallels with how it's generally better to use the active voice than the passive, and as with that there are exceptions.) The cliffhangers of Hogwarts Exposed, this one especially, are almost all of the latter kind, turning the characters into passive observers of their own stories. It's the same reason that a deus ex machina is generally an unsatisfying way to resolve a plot, because the protagonists aren't actually doing anything to improve their situation.
Before we begin this sporking, some links. Firstly: a couple more interesting Neil quotes. Secondly: I said I'd WTFFanfiction the line about Hermione wanting to talk to Snape about pregnancy, and so I did.
"Mum it's time to have your picture taken," Caitlin shouted, as she took the camera off the mantelpiece and waited impatiently with Emily.
"I don't believe I allowed you to let them talk me into this," Hermione proclaimed to Harry, her face blushing.
Normally it's just her left toe that blushes.
"I don't understand why it embarrasses you so much," Harry asked, puzzled. "They're your daughters and they see you nude all the time. Why are these picture sessions so discomforting to you?"
"I don't think it's the pictures as much as the clinical observations," Hermione admitted with a sigh. "The girls and I are nude around each other all the time, so much so, that none of us really think about it any more. But when they take these pictures they really examine me, as if they are healers and I'm a patient. It's disconcerting to have them talk about how various parts of my body are changing as the baby develops."
... dammit, I'd completely forgotten about this thread. Why couldn't the author have done so too? If he had the first clue about continuity and character development, Emily wouldn't want anything to do with nude photography right now. The examination is just as creepy as you'd expect, and the conversation the girls have afterwards is no less so:
"Do you think they wanted us to go to bed so the could make love?" Caitlin asked as she slid into bed.
"I don't see why tonight should be any different than any other night," Emily answered. "I think its part of their going to bed ritual. You and I brush our teeth and take a pee before going to bed; they have sex, then brush their teeth and have a pee."
May I remind you that these girls are eleven and twelve, and most kids at that age would be horrified beyond belief at the thought of their parents having sex. Even knowing that it must logically have happened at some point. (Well, not in the case of Caitlin and Emily.) And, for that matter, unable to discuss the subject at all without a lot of embarrassed giggling. I've lately been reading Nicola Morgan's excellent Write to be Published, which has this to say:
Your ten-year-old MC needs to do and think about the sort of things that real ten-year-olds do and think about. Sex, for example, would not be an example.
She's talking about children's books here, but it's just as good advice for young characters in fiction for any audience.
"Do you actually think they have sex every night?" Caitlin asked, astonished.
"I think it's a rarity when they don't," Emily answered. "Do you think either of us will ever find someone that will love us as much as they love each other?"
"I hope so," Caitlin answered optimistically. "We have plenty of time. We're both rather young to worry about that."
I really wish I didn't know what this was foreshadowing.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Although he had taken a shower, it had done very little to actually wake Alex up. He was not a morning person, never had been and never would be, but he was especially not a four o'clock in the morning person. He was quite content knowing the ungodly hour simply existed; he didn't see the necessity of actually experiencing it.
I can sympathise with Alex here. Why, again, are they not going to London by Floo powder or Portkey or whatever?
Unfortunately, he had no choice today. The train for London departed at five, making such an early wakeup necessary.
You probably do have to leave that early to make a day trip to London from the Scottish Highlands by train: the closest real-world equivalent, the direct service from Inverness to London, takes about 8 hours. And again, why?
As he stumbled bleary eyed down the stairs to the common room, he wondered if Jamie had been able to drag herself out of bed. His question was answered as soon as he reached the bottom of the steps.
"How in the world can you look so happy and beautiful at this hour?" he asked.
"Because I'm a Mary Sue!"
"What's all this?" Alex asked sleepily, as he took the large basket from Jamie and headed for the door to the common room.
"Just my clothes and a nice lunch that Dobby packed for us," she answered.
"From the weight of this basket, I think it's more like breakfast, lunch and dinner," Alex whined.
"Knowing Dobby, it probably is."
Dobby, who's been mentioned all of twice in Hogwarts Exposed and never actually appeared in a scene, let alone met Jamie and Alex.
"Breakfast is served, or do you intend to snooze the entire trip away? Jamie asked.
"What smells so good?" Alex asked as he rubbed his eyes and then sat up startled. "How in the world did you cook all that food in a train compartment?"
Badfic Rail would like to welcome you aboard the FPODD Express, calling at Bugger All Description, Lazy Author, Might As Well Be A Scriptfic, Did You Publish Your Outline By Mistake and It's Not Even Good Dialogue Anyway.
"I didn't," Jamie admitted. "I just used a heating charm on the breakfast items Dobby packed for us. You were correct about the basket. He crammed all three meals in it for us. I'm going to have to give him a big kiss when we get back to Hogwarts."
"If you're giving away kisses, I'd like a few," Alex said lovingly.
I joked about "I love you," he said lovingly (the How Not To Write a Novel example of horribly redundant adverbs) last time, and this is almost it.
"I think I can manage that. How about one now and then a bunch after breakfast?" Jamie teased.
"I'm not sure if I can stop after just one," Alex said, as he took Jamie in his arms. "Your kisses are like potato chips.
He takes one and eats it? Anyway, back to Hogwarts where Emily, Caitlin and Kim are hatching their evil plan to sneak into Hogsmeade.
"Forgive me for doubting your wisdom, Oh Great Slytherin," Caitlin said mockingly. "Will you share your great and evil plan with me or is it necessary to keep the lowly Gryffindor in the dark?"
"Nah! I'll tell you," Emily said with a giggle. "I imagine you can be trusted. I already moved the map and cloak to our room and hid them in my closet.
And it's not the only thing she's got in there, if Chapter 22 is anything to go by.
Kim will join us after breakfast, and we'll decide which tunnel to use."
... no comment.
"That was a delicious breakfast," Alex said, looking longingly at Jamie. "I know one doesn't normally have dessert with breakfast, but I could certainly go for one of your delicious kisses about now."
"I can do better than a kiss," Jamie said naughtily as she drew the window covers and did a locking charm on the compartment door. "I thought perhaps we could practice a little for Monday night. You know, not the main feature, but the preliminaries."
"Then we're really going to join at last?" Alex asked, his faith in miracles restored.
Jamie apparently refers to it as "joining" because her dad was a Seer (except when it counted) and... it was never elaborated beyond that, so I'm imagining some weird nudist cult like Kieran Halcyon's druids.
Jamie whispered softly in Alex's ear. "I have a surprise for you. Undo my robes."
He didn't question her, but did as instructed and then froze as the robes dropped to the floor revealing her luscious naked form.
Why is it so surprising that she's got nothing on under her robes? Frankly, it's surprising enough that she's got her robes on. Also: nudity is completely nonsexual.
"This map is fantastic," Kim said as she pointed out various tiny ink dots moving around the parchment.
"Look," Caitlin said. "It looks like Bancroft and Crow are taking a shower. Want to go have another look, Kim?"
"We don't have any time for such frivolity," Emily chided. "We have to figure out which of these secret passages will get us to Hogsmeade."
"How many total did you find?" Kim inquired.
This leads to an incredibly overlong conversation followed by them deciding to go down one of the collapsed passages because nobody told them that only the one-eyed witch is safe. It's supposed to build tension, but serves only as padding. Why? There's no urgency in the scene; they don't need to get to Hogsmeade before Dick the dick and Crow get there, but are only going so they can laugh at their reaction when they find that the pics aren't what they expected. Cut once again to the train compartment, where Jamie is about to give Alex a blow job. Which apparently doesn't count as "joining" for reasons the author doesn't bother to explore. I wish there were more things he didn't bother to explore.
"Alex, you have no idea what you do to me," Jamie sighed contentedly, as she stared at him mesmerized. "Now its my turn to make you feel good."
"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Alex said concernedly, his faced flushed. "Doing you has me highly aroused. I'm afraid that as soon as your lips touch my…. Well, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold back."
"Then don't," Jamie said empathically.
How the fuck do you say something empathically?
"That will be something we've never tried."
"Are you sure?" Alex asked, a look of surprise covering his face.
"Now you mention it, I might have given you one before."
"Honestly no, but I want us to try every way possible to give pleasure to each other.
I'm sure there's a 50SoG joke in there somewhere.
"Let's try this one," Caitlin suggested. "It's only down one floor, and I think I recognize the statue. I believe it's the one of that hump-backed, one-eyed witch."
"Why are witches always depicted as old and ugly while wizards are made out to all be handsome and dashing?" Kim inquired, angrily. "Its chauvinistic."
So completely unlike the portrayal of women in Hogwarts Exposed.
"I'm sure our Mum would be willing to discuss that at lengths with you," Caitlin commented, "but right now we best get a move on."
Canon!Hermione might. HE!Hermione, on the other hand, LOL. Anyway, they go through the passage. And speaking of going through passages:
I can do this Jamie kept telling herself as she struggled desperately not to gag.
No, there were no italics or anything to represent the thought.
It wasn't her most pleasant experience, but then it was the first time; she could get accustomed to it, possibly even enjoy it in time. That look of total ecstasy on his face made it all worthwhile. She desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him, but hesitated. Would he want to kiss her immediately after she had done that? It didn't bother her in the least to kiss him after he had pleasured her, but that was different.
Wait, he had pleasured her in that way? When did this happen?
Two days until they joined. It seemed like forever. Could they wait? Did they even want to consider waiting? His hands caressed her smooth back, finally coming to rest on her perfectly shaped bum. He held her cheeks tightly in his hands. She was perfect; she was a goddess; a goddess that loved him.
"Ten minutes," the voice announced. "We will be arriving at King's Cross station in ten minutes."
If the train leaves Hogsmeade at 5 am, then it's not getting into King's Cross any time before the early afternoon. Certainly not ten minutes plus blow job after breakfast. Consider that the 11 am train going the other way doesn't get into Hogsmeade until it's getting dark, which contrary to this author's belief is quite late on the 1st September.
Completely hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak, Emily, Caitlin and Kim emerged into the sunlight outside Honeydukes.
"It's a beautiful sunny day," Caitlin announced. "I wish we had left our clothes back at the castle. We could have gotten an early start on an all over tan. I understand Invisibility Cloaks only have a SPF level of 1."
Kim looked at Caitlin skeptically. "You can't be serious? It was only forty degrees in that passage. We would have frozen to death."
I didn't think Hogwarts Exposed characters felt the cold. On the temperature confusion, a reviewer on Portkey did eventually call him out on it:
45 degrees? you probaly forgot that this is in England. 45 degrees means extremely hot. I think you mean 6 degrees.
(I'll overlook that Hogwarts is in Scotland, just this once.) His reply was a smug comment to the effect that at least he didn't have them celebrating the Fourth of July. Good work damning yourself with faint praise there. ( Relevant link is relevant.) I think he can't have had many readers from the UK, with all the basic Britpicking errors that go mostly unquestioned. These aren't even a matter of people's taste in writing style (hi, HG131) or anything like that; these are objective factual mistakes.
They wondered through town toward the road that led to Hogwarts, hoping to run into the Slytherin bullies, but with no luck. Finally after about a half hour of searching, they gave up and started walking through town pointing out the various sights to Kim, who had never visited Hogsmeade. They climbed a slope to see the Shrieking Shack, the most haunted dwelling in Britain; then they visited Zonko's.
They were just approaching the post office to show Kim the hundreds of owls from Great Grays down to tiny little Scops owls,
And the Dark Arts shop with an illegal abortion clinic in the back room three doors down.
when Emily pulled them to an abrupt halt. There, exiting the post office was Dick Bancroft and his faithful subordinate, Dennis Crow.
"It's them," Emily whispered excitedly. "Maybe we're not too late. Let's see if we can get close enough to hear what they are saying."
The girls held onto the cloak and each other tightly as they crept within a few yards of the two Slytherin boys.
"The pictures and posters should be done by now," Crow mumbled, checking his watch.
"Perfect timing," Bancroft said, beaming.
You can say that again. They just happen to start discussing the pics as the girls show up; what were the odds?
"I'm supposed to meet Mr. Lyler in front of the camera shop at eleven o'clock. I can't believe that people will actually pay money for pictures of a naked young girl. She doesn't even have anything worth looking at."
You were looking "lecherously" at her all of two chapters ago, remember? Continuity! And of course Lyler is the guy who was taking pics at Cap d'Agde as well, because there's only one pervert in the HEverse. Or, more accurately, only one designated pervert.
"Your brother seemed quite enthralled by her," Crow laughed. "I bet he can't wait to see the pictures."
"Actually, the little jerk told me to shove the pictures up my arse," Dick admitted. "The boy has no respect for his elders. He thinks that I'm a bastard for what I'm doing. Can you believe it? He was actually fond of that little tart? Lucky that I was able to blackmail him into taking those pictures or he'd probably still be licking her proper little arse."
LOOK AT ME I'M SO BRITISH I SAY "TART" AND "ARSE" LOOK
Dennis and Dick turned down the side street next to the post office with the girls trying to stay within hearing range without being detected.
"I've never been down this street before," Caitlin whispered.
"And I won't be upset if I never step foot on it again," Kim said as they passed a shop with what appeared to be real shrunken heads hanging in the filthy window.
Well, that explains the Dark Arts shop. Apparently Hogsmeade's answer to Knockturn Alley is down the side of the Owl Office (why?) which would have made a lot more sense to have been revealed earlier.
"A good place to avoid," Kim declared, as they suddenly came to a stop in front of a shop displaying the name 'XXX Pictographic'.
Considering that "XXX" in relation to porn originated as a reference to film certificates, why would the wizarding world have adopted it when they don't have films?
Dick had gone up to greet a short, thin, balding man who was waiting next to the steps of the shop.
"Good morning, Mr. Lyler. Its extremely nice to see you again," Dick said in his most flattering fashion. "I hope you haven't been waiting long."
Dick the dick just happens to know (and how does a Hogwarts student get those kinds of contacts, anyway?) the same guy who took the pics at Cap d'Agde, and just happens to be handing him his own pics of one of the same girls.
"Yes, yes. I'm sure it will be interesting," Frank said, now shaking rather than nodding his head.
Which could signify anything, really.
"Let's have a look at the pictures," Dennis said impatiently. "I want to see what your brother fancied so much."
It only took one picture for enthusiasm to turn to shock, then anger and finally rage.
"That little prick," Bancroft shouted, forgetting he was on a public street. "I'm going to hang him from the common room ceiling by his balls. He hoaxed me! The little bastard never took pictures of the slut."
"Wait." Crow disputed. "We've really been had, but this is way beyond your little brother's talent. Whoever took these pictures must have gotten into Slytherin Dungeon with an Invisibility Cloak. How else could they have gotten these pictures?"
What a convenient insight. It's not like there's any other way of becoming invisible, or indeed of sneaking a camera into the boys' showers.
Dick tried to repress his angry and think intelligently.
That would be a first for anyone in this fic.
"Zacherley, fucking Jamie Zacherley. She did this! It all makes sense. Somehow Emily realized she had been duped by my brother and went to her sister for help. Jamie was there the day that damn Ravenclaw said I smelled. She must have followed us back to our dorm, switched film and then took these pictures of us in the shower."
This is almost a decent bit of misdirection: he now wrongly suspects Jamie, and there's an actual reason behind it. I say "almost" because it doesn't actually change anything with regard to the plot and characterisation, as he hated Jamie before and now still does.
Dennis hesitated momentarily and then asked. "What about the negatives that Frank Lyler has?
Dick face became wan.
This is why proofreading is important, unless we've hopped into the head of one of the girls and she's actually thinking of him as "dickface".
He'd never get Lyler to return those pictures. "Damn! That's why that clerk in the store tried to touch my hand when he gave me my change," Bancroft cried. "He even asked me out for coffee. Everyone who sees those picture will think you and I are poofs!"
And no, this is no funnier than the last time the author dusted off the old "mistaken for gay" thing.
"Do you like London?" Alex asked as they hustled by bookshops, restaurants and cinemas en route to the Leaky Cauldron.
They were now wearing muggle clothes, having put their robes in Jamie's suitcase and shrunken both it and the picnic basket.
Though they seem to wear Muggle clothes whenever the author forgets they're supposed to be wearing robes, even at Hogwarts.
"Not really," Jamie answered. "It's too crowded and the people are in too much of a rush."
At least this author has remembered that London has people in it.
"Where would you like to live?" he asked.
"In a dream place that doesn't exist," she replied. "You'd laugh."
"No I wouldn't," Alex said truthfully as he held her hand even tighter. "Please tell me about it."
Jamie blushed. "It would be a quiet little village, something like Hogsmeade, but without all the Hogwarts students. The people would all be nice and friendly and you would be judged solely on your inner being."
They could just go and live among Halcyon's druids.
"Jamie, how will we handle the nudity issue when we get married?" Alex asked, concernedly.
A question nobody has ever asked.
They were so caught up in each other that they nearly passed the tiny pub, unnoticed.
"It never changes, does it?" Alex asked, as they entered the Leaky Cauldron.
"I hope not," Jamie said as she looked lovingly around the dark, shabby, grubby-looking pub. "Some things just shouldn't be messed with."
"Hey, why aren't you two at Hogwarts?" Tom, the old bartender called out.
Hogwarts attendance isn't mandatory, so a sixteen-year-old witch and wizard walking into the Leaky Cauldron on a Saturday lunchtime wouldn't raise that much suspicion. Especially considering how diverse the clientele is at the best of times.
"We must go to Ollivanders," Alex answered, slightly embarrassed. "I sat on my wand and broke it."
"Weren't carrying it in you back pocket, were yea?" Tom questioned. "That's a very dangerous thing to do. One could lose their backside that way, they could."
Apparently, everyone in the Potterverse has been taking lessons from Mad-Eye Moody.
"That's what Professor Potter warned him," Jamie said.
"Harry Potter! You have Harry Potter as a Professor? You listen to him! He's a great wizard, he is. You know your way?" Tom asked, pointing to a door, leading to a small, walled, courtyard.
Tom didn't know that Harry was a Hogwarts Professor, despite it being all over the Daily Prophet and despite, as the barman at the Leaky Cauldron, probably overhearing a thousand conversations about the state of the wizarding world every day.
"I've always loved this," Jamie said as the little girl in her watched the bricks moving about and finally forming an archway to Diagon Alley. "I wish we had time to walk around and window shop."
"So do I," Alex agreed, "but it's already nearly noon.
No it isn't. Not if you got the train at 5 am.
The shop looked empty at first, but then Mr. Ollivander stuck his head out of a backroom and said, "I'll be right with you."
"I was just about to close for lunch," the soft-spoken man said as he approached them. "Miss Zacherley and Mr. Ward, isn't it? What can I do for you today?"
"I need to get a replacement wand," Alex said, guiltily as he reached in his pocket and pulled out the two pieces of wood that had once formed his wand.
Mr. Ollivander looked sternly at Alex. "Young man, I hope you're not in the habit of carrying your wand in your back pocket. It's against the rules of elementary wand safety and a very good way to lose a buttock."
"So I've been told," Alex said, resigned to hearing this story the balance of his life.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 48
As Mr. Ollivander began fitting Alex with a wand, Jamie meandered around the tiny shop, marveling at how anyone could find what he or she was seeking in what appeared to be total disarray. She was just sticking her head nosily in the backroom when she heard a clock begin to chime the noon hour. She wondered if Alex heard the clock because that meant they only had an hour remaining in order to catch their return train.
But, this being the Exposed!Hogwarts Express, there'll be another one along in ten minutes. Back to Hogwarts, and for whatever reason Emily, Caitlin and Kim haven't made it back from their trip to spy on Dick the dick being set up.
Hermione just picked at her lunch, looking worriedly out at the students in the Great Hall. The Hall was unusually quiet due to most third years and above being in Hogsmeade. It wasn't the quiet, however, that bothered Hermione - it was the absence of three faces.
This is actually a serviceable if sparse bit of scene-setting. I'm as surprised as you are.
"Harry, I'm worried about the girls," Hermione confided. "I haven't seen Kim, Emily or Caitlin since early this morning."
"I thought you said they went to the library?" Harry asked placidly.
"I had assumed they went to the library when they left our quarters early this morning, but evidently I was misdirected," Hermione answered. "I just came from the library and Madam Pince told me she hasn't seen them all day. Now they're not at lunch."
Now Harry deduces that they've gone to Hogsmeade with the Invisibility Cloak and Marauder's Map (yay convenient insight!) but isn't too concerned. (Surprisingly in character here: long after this was written, JKR told us about how young James stole the Marauder's Map from his dad's desk but Harry wasn't overly bothered.) Hermione seems to be back to her eleven-year-old self from Philosopher's Stone: forced conflict is forced.
Harry never finished his sentence. His attention, along with that of every one else in the Great Hall, was drawn to the Phoenix that had entered, circled the hall and was now holding his leg out to the Headmaster. As soon as the message was detached, the bird disappeared with a flash.
Severus read the message, seemed ready to stand, and then read the message again. He either didn't believe or didn't want to believe what was written upon the parchment. Slowly he rose to his feet. The hall, already silent, was ready for him to speak.
"I have sad news to report," Severus began slowing. "If you've been keeping up with the news, you are undoubtedly aware that both our world and the Muggle world have in recent years been suffering at the hands of terrorists, cowards that seek to control the world by killing innocent children and civilians in an undeclared war.
Of course, nobody has been keeping up with the news because the only such incident that's ever been mentioned in the story was Wrong's false-flag attack on her own office in the previous chapter.
"One of these groups is headed by an individual who has the audacity to call himself 'The Great One'. The only thing great about this coward is his ego. Unhappily, two attacks were carried out today which have been credited to this individual. The attacks took place simultaneously at noon. One occurred in Diagon Alley and the other in Hogsmeade. Regrettably, there were numerous innocent people injured today, many of who are Hogwarts students. One of our own was killed."
Suddenly the hall was filled with murmurs and questions.
"Please," Severus almost begged, his eyes now actually tearing.
Someone is actually crying in Hogwarts Exposed. Truly a remarkable and noteworthy occurrence.
"Hermione, Harry, we have to talk," Severus said despondently.
"Should we come to your office?" Hermione asked fearfully.
"No, that won't be necessary," he said quietly. "Just enough so we are away from prying eyes."
He led them into the chamber directly behind the staff table.
"What is it Severus?" Harry asked as soon as the door closed.
It really doesn't help the drama of this scene that "What is it Severus" without the comma scans exactly the same as "how are you gentlemen". I half expect to see the main screen turn on and Wrong declare that all their base are belong to her. In fact, that would probably improve the plot.
"I'm deeply sorry," Severus said, as Harry flung his arms around Hermione to comfort her. "The causality is one of your girls.
Considering this is leading up to a time-travel subplot, that's possibly the best Freudian slip ever.
I'm sorry, but we've lost…."
And thus the chapter ends.
"Wait, what?" I hear you cry. Honestly, this is how the chapter ends, and the main thing that led me to do 20 and 21 as a single update. I recently stumbled across a blog post by John Finnemore, writer and co-star of the delightful Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure, whose most recent episode (for which the link contains spoilers) sports a massive cliffhanger ending. Finnemore presents his "rules for cliffhangers", with which I'm inclined to agree:
1. They're very powerful, but very annoying, so they should be used very sparingly, and only when there's a good reason. This is the first cliffhanger I've done in CP, and it seemed to me that the question of [spoilers redacted] were both too big to be dealt with in a single episode.
2. You can't use a cliff-hanger instead of an ending. Some shows do, but I think it's cheating. Any episode that ends with a cliffhanger must also have a satisfying conclusion in itself. Ideally, the main question of the episode should be answered - but the answer should then throw up an unexpected larger question, which provides the cliff-hanger.
3. The cliffhanger has to be an emotional one, or at least a direct dilemma for a central character or characters, not a physical or external one. The question left unanswered must always be 'What will he or she do now?' not 'What will happen to him or her now?' To take an example completely at random, a bad cliff-hanger would be 'The hero's been forced to jump off a roof! Will he survive?', but a good cliff-hanger is 'He DID survive! But how? And why's he hiding from his friend?'
And most importantly of all:
4. A cliff-hanger is a promise to the audience. It's implicitly saying 'I'm withholding the gratification of giving you the answer now, but trust me, when you get it, you'll think it was worth the wait.'
Suffice to say Hogwarts Exposed fails on all counts. Now 1, 2 and 4 are all quite subjective, but 3 bears further examination. "What will they do next?" is almost always a more interesting question than "what will be done to them next?", so better able to sustain a cliffhanger. (We can draw parallels with how it's generally better to use the active voice than the passive, and as with that there are exceptions.) The cliffhangers of Hogwarts Exposed, this one especially, are almost all of the latter kind, turning the characters into passive observers of their own stories. It's the same reason that a deus ex machina is generally an unsatisfying way to resolve a plot, because the protagonists aren't actually doing anything to improve their situation.