Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 18
You're probably thinking right now that there's no way Hogwarts Exposed can get any worse. You would, of course, be wrong.
Hermione's face was ashen as she stared desperately at Severus. The mirror had warned her that the chances of saving Kim were miniscule, but still she had held onto hope until now.
Recap: the Mirror of Ytidun predicted that Kim's stepfather would abuse her over the holidays, and yet somehow, even with the help of HE!Snape when he's not screwing his subordinates, Harry and Hermione weren't able to keep her in Hogwarts. It should go without saying that a magical talking mirror is probably not the best way of introducing a child abuse subplot, and yet here we are. Hogwarts Exposed: plumbing the depths of bad taste since 2002. Also, the mirror relied on its ability to see the future of anyone who's stood in front of it, and yet the bit where Kim stands in front of it never actually appeared in the story. Foreshadowing: you fail it. Forever.
"What's happened?" Hermione asked fearfully, letting the energy drain from her as she fell into the chair.
The vampire killed her and HE!Snape and there was much rejoicing. The End.
"I don't have all the details," Severus answered, "but it seems Miss Thatcher performed magic outside of school." The headmaster handed Hermione a copy of the letter that the Ministry had sent to Kim.
It is, of course, a direct copy of the Ministry letters Harry received in the books with the relevant details changed.
We would also ask you to remember that any magical activity that risks notice by members of the non-magical community (Muggles) is a serious offense under section 13 of the International Confederation of Wizards' Statute of Secrecy.
The Statute of Secrecy that nobody in this fic seems to have given a flying fuck about so far. Why didn't Caitlin receive a letter for hyperempathising that girl at Cap d'Agde? If the answer is because she was in France, then surely the French Ministry would have had a thing or two to say, considering it's the International Confederation of Wizards' Statute of Secrecy.
I hope you are enjoying your holiday!
Yours sincerely,
Percy Weasley
IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE
Ministry of Magic
This is Percy's only appearance in the fic. He's got off lightly.
"Then she must be all right," Hermione said, somewhat relived. "Certainly the Ministry of Magic wouldn't send her an admonition if she had been hurt."
"Normally not," Severus agreed. He got up slowly from his desk and approached Hermione. "Have you been giving the young lady private instruction?"
And if anyone should know about giving young ladies private instruction, it's HE!Snape.
"Yes," Hermione answered guiltily. "I felt she needed more skills than a first year would normally possess in order to defend herself."
Why's she acting guiltily? There's nothing wrong with giving a student private instruction, as long as "private instruction" only means that and not what HE!Snape has in mind for his own female students.
"Obviously you are an excellent teacher, and she must be an exceptionally quick learner," Snape said brandishing a smile. "Tonks owled me that it was necessary for her to capture a pig that ran out the front door of the house screaming 'help me'."
Hermione smiled. "I wasn't sure if she would be able to do it or not; that's seventh year ability, and even then we never practice with a living person."
If you're going to have her turn her abusive stepfather into a pig, it would have made much more sense to make it a burst of uncontrolled magic (cf. Aunt Marge in Prisoner of Azkaban) rather than have her cast a N.E.W.T.-level Transfiguration. I don't care how much better a teacher HE!Hermione is meant to be than McGonagall, and I'm not kidding, the author was actually trying to go for that bullshit. Especially as Kim's not supposed to be exceptionally talented: whereas Jamie was introduced as being top of her class and that's why she was Hermione's favourite student, and it's plausible that Emily would be similar because they've got the same genes and upbringing, Kim was this random girl who Emily just happened to befriend out of nowhere so to also make her super-powerful strains plausibility. The same goes for Caitlin, for that matter: random put-upon girl who Hermione and Jamie take pity on also happens to have superpowers and an obscenely massive inheritance. Give me a break.
"Tonks was able to retransfigure him before the Muggle authorities arrived, but he now has the tendency to oink occasionally," Severus said. "The girl's mother had been beaten rather badly by her husband and was taken to a muggle hospital. She will, however, recover and thankfully be pressing charges against the bastard this time. She requested that Tonks put Kim on the morning train.
The Hogwarts Express: one service on the first and last days of term to take the students to and from school. The Exposed!Hogwarts Express: kind of like the West Coast Main Line. Harry and Ron could just have caught the 11:15 in Chamber of Secrets and had done with it. Apart from anything else, if the barrier at King's Cross is open all the time then surely a Muggle must have fallen through there by accident at some point, and that's exactly the kind of thing that would get a throwaway remark in the books:
RON: You know a Muggle fell through here once.
HARRY: Really? What happened?
... and so forth. And yet nothing.
Hermione did a warming charm on both Emily and Caitlin's robes as they waited with her on the platform for the arrival of the train. The temperature was only in the teens, and now that darkness was settling, the swirling snow made it feel even colder.
Since we use Celsius in the UK, a temperature in the teens is a heatwave for the Scottish Highlands in December.
"We won't pressure her," Emily said earnestly as she struggled to keep the wind from blowing her robes and skirt about.
Why's she wearing robes and a skirt? What the hell, costuming department?
As soon as the train slowed to a stop, passengers began to get off. Most of the students that would be attending the Yule Ball were riding this train.
Maybe that's why they put on the extra service. Or, like in Goblet of Fire, they could actually have stayed at school for the Yule Ball.
Hermione and the girls watched impatiently for Kim. The warming charm had worn off, and they were once again all freezing.
Well, that was a short-lived warming charm. Might as well not have bothered, really.
Emily was also hoping to see someone else - her date for the dance. When Tyler stepped off the train, Emily was about to shout and wave to him, but his brother disembarked immediately behind him and looked lecherously in Emily's direction.
This is supposed to show Dick the dick as a villain, but looking lecherously at underage girls doesn't set him apart from anyone else in Hogwarts Exposed. I wouldn't put it past HE!Snape looking at her and thinking how much he can't wait.
Quickly, Emily checked to make sure her skirt and robes were properly covering her, not that she'd be embarrassed if anyone else accidentally got a show, but she certainly didn't want to give Dick that satisfaction.
And, you know, the weather.
"Thank you," Kim said as she stared intently at her reflection in the mirror. "I wish you were alive so I could give you a hug. I dread to think what could have happened if it hadn't been for you and Professor Granger."
"I likewise dread the thought," the mirror responded. "I'm only pleased I was able to help. I would have sorely missed reflecting you."
"You're very special," Kim said leaning forward and kissing the reflective glass before scampering off to join the others.
And for all the significance of how the Mirror of Ytidun saved her, this is the first interaction she has with it in the actual story.
Hermione and Jamie were preparing hot chocolate as Kim entered the room. Harry and Caitlin merely looked at her in surprise, but it was Emily that commented. "You're nude," Emily said in surprise. "I thought you were ill at ease being naked. After what occurred I didn't…"
Emily stopped mid sentence when she noticed the censorious look she was receiving from Hermione. She had forgotten that they weren't to mention what had happened to Kim.
Kim gave Emily a weak smile. "It's a matter of perspective," Kim said, trying to explain. "I'm more comfortable here with you guys starkers than I would be around him if I had on ten layers of clothes. I think my comfort level is more measured by the people I'm around rather than my clothing or lack of it."
Because a child narrowly escaping being raped is a perfect opportunity to witter about the joys of nudity. I don't think I've hated this fic more than I do right now.
Everyone else nodded.
But did they nod yes or no?
"I suppose you'd like to hear what happened?" Kim asked, warily.
Harry and Jamie sat expressionless, but Caitlin and Emily bobbed their heads enthusiastically.
This description makes them sound like a pair of nodding dogs in the back of a car.
"At first, I had high hopes that the mirror was mistaken," Kim sighed. "Although Mum and George, my stepfather, were both rather taken aback by my hair when they saw me, he didn't look at me like - well, in that way - like he had most of last summer.
George is basically LoPEF!Ron as a Hogwarts Exposed character. By which I mean that he's a paedophile on top of everything else.
"I hoped that we would have a nice family holiday, which actually we did. Although everything seemed to be going smoothly, I remained vigilant, never letting my guard down.
CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
I even showered with my wand at hand as you had suggested," she said, giving Hermione a little smile.
There aren't enough hours in the day for all the jokes I could make about showering with her wand at hand.
"Mum told me that she had threatened to leave George unless he stopped drinking. Evidently he had believed her, and it made a tremendous difference in his personality and actions. He was once again the George that Mum had married; the man I had started to think of as a father.
Drink doesn't work that way. It doesn't give you urges you didn't already have, just makes you less able to control them. He's not going to become a wife-beating paedophile just because he's had a few unless he had those tendencies already. LoPEF got this right (words you won't often see me type) in her portrayal of evil!Ron, making his drink problem incidental to his behaviour rather than the cause of it. Granted, there was still the same ZOMG DRINK IZ EVIL subtext that never fails to make me crave a nice cold beer out of contrariness, but it's something. Though this attitude to drink would explain why having a couple of cans is designated villain behaviour and Jamie was so vehement about Harry and Hermione not having beer in their quarters. (Oddly, they have had wine without any fuss.)
"That was until yesterday. He received word that his company had lost out on a huge contract they were bidding on. That meant no bonus, no overtime and the possibility that he could even be laid off. He started drinking early in the afternoon, and then after he and Mum argued, he went off to a pub.
"I fell asleep with great difficulty, remembering how wicked he could be when he returned home drunk. It was about three in the morning when I was awakened by their arguing. But it wasn't just arguing, there was also a thudding sound as well; I could tell that he was hitting my Mum." Kim took a deep breath.
Tonight on Lifetime.
"He was standing beside the bed. When he saw me, his face beamed. 'Now isn't that perfect timing,' he said as if he hated me. 'You'll be able to watch the little one get it for the first time.'
I think this guy's supposed to be evil, but I might be going out on a limb there.
Kim forced a nervous laugh. "I must have been a sight, standing there nude except for the wand sheath that Professor Granger had given me attached to my thigh.
Because even when recounting a traumatic memory (in full AHEDV mode, of course) we still have to dwell on nudity. This is, after all, Hogwarts Exposed.
"He had me cornered. I reached for the wand, pointed it, and said the incantation I was taught." Kim glanced toward Emily and Caitlin, "I had no idea if it would work, but it was my only chance. I didn't even see him transform. I had closed my eyes in fear, and was expecting the worse.
But not the very worst.
"Then I heard a loud 'pop', and without warning, there was a strange woman standing next to me - pretty, but with the weirdest orange hair. She took a quick look at my Mum and me and then raced after the pig. In a few moments, she returned with a cage containing the squealing animal suspended in mid air."
You know, the running gag of Tonks being described by a different hair colour every time she's mentioned crossed the line from cute to cutesy in her very first scene, and here and now when we're discussing how an eleven-year-old girl narrowly escaped being raped is hardly the time.
"I hope Tonks left George a pig," Jamie declared disgustedly. "It would serve him right to spend the balance of his life wallowing in mud."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 46
"We didn't have to," Kim said, sounding slightly in awe. "That's why I'm glad Tonks is on our side. She transformed George back to his human form just before my Mum called the police, but she did it at the top of the stairs just outside my Mum's room. George was drunk and confused, so it was easy for her to shove him down the steps. Then she broke his arm and leg and zapped him unconscious so he wouldn't get away before the police arrived.
"She left right after Mum called for assistance, taking my wand and all other traces of my being a witch with her. I got them back when she put me on the train."
Hermione just shook her head. She didn't normally approve of physical violence,
but she had to admire Tonk's style.
Who's Tonk?
December 31, 2004
"Why aren't you with the other girls?" Hermione asked when she entered her quarters to find Kim lying on the sofa staring aimlessly into space.
Since the previous scene ended with the conversation trailing off and nothing happening afterwards, we're left with the impression that she's been lying on the sofa staring aimlessly into space for what the author would call the balance of the time.
"They're all charming their hair and taking tanning potions for the Ball tonight, but I decided not to bother since I'm not going," Kim said, sounding downcast.
"That's understandable," Professor Granger, said comfortingly, "I imagine you're still upset from your encounter."
Her encounter. That's one way of putting it. One way of putting it that makes it sound like she's playing the world's worst D&D game, but still one way of putting it.
"That's what I told them," Kim answered, "but it's not the truth. I want to go, but I haven't anything to wear. Mum and I were going to shop in Diagon Alley before I caught the train back, but…. Well, you know what happened."
Not that it's stopped the author reiterating plot points before.
"Have you told Randy yet?" the Professor asked.
"Yeah, he was rather bombed out," Kim said dejectedly.
See, I can tell from context what the author was going for in this attempt to be idiomatic, but still, "bombed out" to me says less "unhappy" and more "destroyed in an air raid".
"I wish I had know sooner," Hermione said, realizing how disappointed the girl must be. "I could have taken you to Hogsmeade, but by now the shops are closed for the holiday."
New Year's Eve isn't a public holiday in the UK, though granted some shops (especially the small independent kind you're likely to get in a village like Hogsmeade) do close early, or even close for Christmas and don't reopen until after New Year so the owners can go on holiday. Still, what's stopping them from taking Floo powder to London and finding a shop that's still open there?
Hermione started to walk away, but than had a brilliant idea.
"I have an idea!" she said.
"Do you have a favorite color?" she asked.
"Not really," Kim answered, sounding more disheartened by the minute. "Mum says I look best in red."
"I have an idea," Hermione said enthusiastically.
"If you don't mind wearing a hand-me- down, you can wear my robes from last years Ball. I only wore them half the night."
"Because then Crabbe and Goyle Portkeyed me out of them having somehow outwitted me and the entire Hogwarts faculty!" You'd think with an association like that, she wouldn't have kept hold of the robes. I say "robes", but as zelda_queen pointed out here, it's basically a (very skimpy) Muggle party frock rather than true dress robes.
Kim followed Hermione as she rushed off to her bedroom. "Professor, I truly appreciate the offer, but if you haven't noticed, we're rather different in size."
Hermione seemed to ignore Kim as she searched her closet for the dress, nearly tripping over a box that had been there since her wedding.
The mystery box reappearing right now is one of the weirdest continuity nods I've ever seen, especially in a fic that normally plays so fast and loose with continuity.
Finally, she pulled the dress from its protective covering and showed it to Kim.
"Its beautiful," Kim sighed, "but it would never fit me, especially up top. My breasts are miniscule compared to yours."
The author is obsessed with breasts, Exhibit... we've run out of letters. In fact, we've run out of Unicode characters.
"You, young lady, have an exquisite body for an eleven year old. I would have killed to look like you when I was eleven. You forget that this isn't a muggle dress.
Despite being described as looking pretty much exactly like one. And somehow, the author not making his mind up whether "Muggle" should be capitalised (yes) is more annoying than if he'd just left it uncapitalised throughout.
These robes are designed to conform to the body of the wearer. Try them on and you'll see what I mean."
At first Kim just stood in front of the mirror, holding the robes against her and admiring their beauty.
"Will you please put them on?" the mirror said impatiently. "I'm anxious to reflect how beautiful you'll look in them."
The Mirror of Ytidun has a thing for eleven-year-old girls. Maybe it used to belong to HE!Snape.
"Its charmed to hug your body in the front. I was nervous at first when I wore it," Hermione admitted, "but I promise it won't drop off in the middle of the night leaving you exposed."
Or too exposed, one might say.
"I love it," Kim said, practically swooning, "but I think the adjustment charm malfunctioned on the length. It barely covers my bum. I can't help but give a show whenever I move." Kim looked shockingly at Hermione.
She'd set the voltage too high and it killed her. The End.
"No I didn't," Hermione admitted, "but the temporary alteration they did for me was minimal. Jamie and Caitlin had the exact dress, but in different colors and wore it as designed."
Kim looked at Professor Granger in disbelief. "You allowed them to go to a school dance knowing that they would be exposed whenever they leaned slightly in any direction?"
More than that: they'd be too... okay, I'll stop that.
"No I didn't. Most certainly I was concerned about the girls wearing such extremely short dresses, especially since they never wear knickers. But no one got a show; they just saw an awful lot of leg. The skirt of the dress is made of a modesty-charmed material."
"Modesty-charmed?" Kim said skeptically.
"MODESTY-CHARMED!"
Hermione smiled at Kim, realizing how strange the girl must feel. "Okay, now point your wand at the skirt of the robes and say "Modestio."
"Modestio"
The Modesty Charm seems to function like any other spell: you point your wand, say an incantation and kapow. I'm not sure why the robe itself needed to be charmed when this could just be a regular spell.
Kim tried to remove the garment, but although she had drawn yards of material over her head, the hem remained firmly in place covering her private area.
Which most certainly it's wrong to expose.
"Okay, I'm convinced," Kim shouted, as if conceding a battle. "How do I get out of this?"
"For the next hour you don't," Hermione answered with a laugh. "You must wait for the charm to expire."
That at least explains why the charm expires, but surely it would make more sense to be permanent until dispelled rather than have the one-hour cut-off. What if you were ready to get undressed for whatever reason but missed the window? Of course, the real reason is to allow for Wacky Hijinks™ because the author thinks that plots about child abuse and abortion belong in the same story as Carry On Up the Hogwarts. Then again, it does means we don't have to see him misspell Finite Incantatem again.
Kim adjusted the dress until it was once again fitting properly. "I won't get in trouble if I wear this?"
"No," Hermione said, smiling. "Just remember to renew the charm before the hour is up and always sit with your legs together.
I don't see how this can possibly go wrong.
Kim hugged Professor Granger excitedly. "I have to get word to Randy that we're going to the ball after all."
He'll be Randy.
"Where are the boys going to meet us?" Kim asked anxiously.
"At the bottom of the marble staircase, just outside the Great Hall," Caitlin answered nervously. "That reminds me, be sure to walk behind us going down the steps."
"Why?" Kim asked, looking at Caitlin incredulously.
"Jamie and I wore similar dresses last year," Caitlin said. "When you go up and down stairs, anyone at the bottom of the steps gets a rather revealing show."
Oh joy, we're recycling scenes.
Do you mind if we go for a walk?" Emily asked, pulling at her dress in an irritated fashion.
I've noticed the author's now given up the pretense that what they're wearing are in any way dress robes per Harry Potter.
"No, actually it's a grand idea," Tyler said grabbing his camera off the table and then taking Emily's hand and letting her guide him out of the Great Hall.
As they walked down the corridor, Emily tried every door they passed looking for one that was unlocked. Finally they came to classroom eleven, which was never used. When Emily tried the door, it opened, and they found themselves staring into the middle of a forest clearing. At first they both stood stunned in disbelief.
"This must have be Firenze's old classroom," Tyler finally offered.
We have another Order of the Phoenix retcon!
"Whose?" Emily said, confused.
"Before the war, Cornelius Fudge was the Ministry of Magic," Tyler explained.
He must have been very busy.
"He appointed a Hogwarts High Inquisitor whose job was theoretically to purge the school of what the Ministry considered to be sub-standard teachers. When the Inquisitor sacked Trelawney, the divination professor,
... who's still at Hogwarts, so why he needed to point out who she is would be anybody's guess.
Headmaster Dumbledore hired a centaur named Firenze to take her place. This must have been his classroom; it was made to look like the Forbidden Forest."
"How do you know about all that stuff?" Emily asked, obviously impressed.
"It's all in
... Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Hogwarts, a History. Haven't you ever read it?" Tyler asked.
"No," Emily answered, "but this is perfect." She pulled Tyler into the room and did a locking charm on the door.
Considering Emily is meant to be something of a swot, it would make more sense for her to have read Hogwarts: A History.
"Tyler, these dress robes have been annoying me all night. They feel like they're cutting into my skin. Would you mind if I just took them off for a few minutes to get some relief?" Emily asked, candidly.
"You're asking me if I mind?" Tyler uttered in disbelief. "Of course I don't mind, I love seeing you naked."
You're an eleven-year-old boy. By rights, you should be running in blind panic from any girl who threatens to get her kit off in front of you.
"This is more like it," Emily said, stretching. "The Ball was fun, but I could lay here for hours."
At least until the Ministry showed up to arrest you for underage sex.
"Maybe some day," Emily said innocently, wondering how it would feel. "Why have you been carrying that camera around all night? I haven't seen you take even one picture."
"I was hoping to get a few pictures of you before the evening was over," Tyler answered. "You know, to look at when you're not around. I imagine that will have to wait a little longer now."
And there's no way this could possibly go wrong, is there? No way at all that Dick the dick's brother having naked pictures of Emily could come back and bite her on the bare arse? For that matter, no way at all that naked pictures of a very underage girl could get a lot of people into a lot of well-deserved trouble? To make matters worse, for all I can't stand Emily, Tyler basically manipulates her into it:
"I'd give anything in the world to have a picture of you as you are now," Tyler said earnestly, "but you'd never let me. Would you?"
"No! I doubt that would be a good idea," Emily answered. "Especially after what the family just went through with Playwizard."
"Yeah," Tyler said disappointedly. "I imagine you'd have to trust someone an awful lot before you'd consent to letting them have a nude photograph of you. With my brother's reputation preceding me, I doubt you'd ever trust me that much."
... etc. Now he's always come across as a smarmy get, but this just takes the piss.
"Have you seen Emily?" Kim asked Caitlin during a break in the music. "It's only thirty minutes before midnight."
It's at this point that the author remembers that this is supposed to be a New Year's party, despite still being called the Yule Ball in the hope of maintaining at least a tenuous link to canon.
"I wouldn't worry about her," Caitlin said matter-of-factly. "Her dress has been bothering her all night. She probably just went to find some place where she could take it off for a short while."
"But Tyler was with her," Kim said, as if shocked.
But not actually shocked.
"No, I guess not," Kim said, shaking her head. "Actually, I guess we should be thankful she didn't just up and take it off right here in front of everybody."
"That's what I'm about ready to do," Caitlin said in frustration. "I can't wait to get back to our quarters and strip. Next year, I'm wearing nothing but the concealment charm whether Mum likes it or not. I just won't dance with anyone that I would mind seeing me naked."
Blah blah nudity fucking blah.
"Just kidding," Caitlin said with a laugh. "I wish you could have seen your face. Oh! Here come Randy and Matt with our drinks. What are you going to do if Randy tries to kiss you at midnight?"
Kim colored deeply. "Probably kiss him back," Kim said apprehensively. "I just hope I don't get so keyed up that I pee my pants."
... that doesn't happen.
"That's rather an impossibility," Caitlin said, laughingly.
LAUGHINGLY COUNT: 9
"The girls look like they're having a good time," Hermione said as she and Harry surveyed the room.
Harry nodded his head. "I'm so glad the situation with Kim worked out," he said, "she's a lovely girl.
Yes, it's great how she nearly got raped and it could have been totally prevented had HE!Snape not been too busy with his sordid personal life. And for all that, we never actually got any of her POV, only everyone else's reaction to her narrating the story in AHEDV. It's yet another case of this, which we also saw with Caitlin's abuse by Hooch, Jamie's near-rape experience and the deaths of the Zacherleys.
I wonder how much longer she'll keep her hair that length?"
Yay random subject change!
"You sir, are very prejudiced and incredibly sweet when it comes to my looks," Hermione said, giving Harry's hand a squeeze. "We made it through our first year back together, should we try for another?"
"Do you expect an answer immediately, or may I think about it?" Harry said mischievously.
"Don't think too long," Hermione said threateningly. "Neville might be taken now, but the last I heard Severus and Draco are both currently available."
And being his subordinate and former student, she's precisely HE!Snape's type.
"Jamie, you look troubled," Hermione said concernedly.
"I'm worried about Amanda," Jamie answered. "I didn't expect her and Tony to be at the Ball, but I had hoped to hear from her by now. I hope her parents don't take her out of school."
"That would be a tragedy," Hermione responded. "That is a prehistoric response parents and educators once took to young girls being pregnant. If anything, having a child makes it all the more important that she finishes her education."
See, that's a sensible response. This should not be an issue in any story set in 2005.
"Will the Board of Governors allow her to remain in school pregnant?" Alex asked, tentatively.
Harry chuckled. "They will if they don't want to face the wrath of Granger. Take my word; no one wants to fight my wife when it comes to discrimination."
Except when it comes to their relationship, in which she just defers to him every step of the way.
"Alex, you're doing fine in both our classes; there is no need to butter us up." Harry said with a laugh, but then turned stern. "I would, however, suggest you stop carrying your wand in your back pocket before you have a serious accident and lose your buttocks."
CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
"I've always considered myself rather a tomboy and not particularly attractive," Emily said sighing, "but
... that bears no relation to anything we've seen of her appearance or self-image in the fic so far.
you make me feel like I'm some sort of eleven year old supermodel."
"Soon to be twelve," Tyler said, remembering Emily's birthday was a week after Valentines Day.
Wait, Hogwarts Exposed characters have birthdays? You could have fooled me.
Tyler reluctantly brought the camera to his eye. This girl trusted him completely. How could he be about to betray her? He snapped one picture and then another. He was as appalling as his brother, perhaps ever shoddier. At least his brother was open with the fact that he was a rotten bastard.
Yes, thanks for spoiling your plot twist, not that it was in any way not insultingly predictable.
"…two, one. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"Happy New Year, 'Mione," Harry said taking his wife in his arms and kissing her fervently.
Fuck off.
"I love you Sam," Ron whispered before their lips joined.
This is their only appearance in this entire scene. Might as well not have bothered, especially with the POV shift and all.
"I feel like I'm living a dream and I'm afraid I'll wake up," Tyler said, looking at Emily's glowing face.
She's wearing radium foundation again.
"If this is a dream, please kiss me before it's over," Emily said, earnestly.
They kissed lightly on the lips and then Tyler embraced Emily in a hug. Unexpectedly, Emily felt moistness on her cheek and pulled away slightly. "Tyler, you're crying," Emily said in astonishment. "What's the matter?"
"You wouldn't understand," he said gloomily, squeezing her even tighter.
"I'm about to sell your illegal naked pictures to my moustache-twirling evil brother!"
"You made the statement that you were considering staying unclothed at all times in our quarters even when we have company like you did with Ron and Sam. I don't see how that's possible," Harry said.
"Are you referring to the students?" Hermione asked.
"Yes," Harry responded. "I talked to both Jamie and Emily. They did indeed grow up in a totally nude home environment. Neither remembers ever seeing their parents clothed when they were at home. I was especially interested in how they handled their school friends."
I'm especially interested in how they handled school. You know, most schools tend to insist that their pupils attend with clothes on. Why, then, are they so unused to wearing clothes after spending seven years at school before even going to Hogwarts, and then having to wear robes there too?
"It would seem girls are much more mature when it comes to handling nudity than young boys," Harry agreed. "Some of Emily's friends, who were mostly boys, seemed, on the surface, to handle things fine while at the house, but once they returned to school, had rather a field day describing what they had seen."
I'd say this wasn't because girls are so much better than boys so much as because the naked people were also girls. I mean, what I said about how an eleven-year-old boy would flee from a girl who threatened to get undressed in front of him? Likewise vice versa, I'd say.
"Who?" Harry asked with concern, "They're still students."
"Amanda for one, assuming she returns to school and Alex for another," Hermione said confidently. "If it hadn't been for Alex, you wouldn't be holding me in your arms right now. That boy found me and carried me to help, but has never revealed to a soul that I was naked."
Because it was hardly relevant next to the fact that she was almost fucking dead.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
"I can't believe you two," Caitlin said, shaking her head in frustration. "Professor Malfoy assigned us that homework three days before vacation began. Why on earth did you both wait until today to start it?"
"It's called procrastination," Randy answered wincingly. "Something I'm sure you're incapable of. You know, you could be a sweetheart and help Matt and me."
"I could, but then you would miss out on two lessons," Caitlin said stubbornly.
"Two lessons?" Matt questioned.
"Yes, two!" Caitlin emphasized. "If you don't write your own foot of parchment on the subject, you won't grasp the theory. You also won't learn not to postpone 'til tomorrow what should have been done two weeks ago."
Caitlin is early!Hermione. I can't rightly say whether this is consistent with her established characterisation, because she doesn't have any established characterisation. She got attacked and left for dead by Hooch and taken in by Hermione, and suffered no ill effects because of a magical toy unicorn that's since buggered off into a plot hole, and can heal people magically without breaking the Statute of Secrecy, and restore their hair, and... that's about it, really. Anyway, Matt and Randy head off to the library and we get some long-overdue expospeak about the Bancrofts.
"What do you think of Tyler?" Randy interrupted.
"I'm not sure," Matt answered honestly. "He seems like an okay guy and treats Emily well, but it's hard to believe that he could be nothing like his brother and parents."
"I know his brother is an arse, but what's the story on the parents?" Randy asked.
"They were Death Eaters," Matt explained. "Two loyal followers of He-Who-Must-Not- Be-Named. They ran one of his death camps where they experimented on and tortured people before finally putting them out of misery."
They couldn't just be Death Eaters. No, this is Hogwarts Exposed, where grimdark is king. The author had to upstage the already monstrous Death Eaters we see in canon, such as Bellatrix and her gang, by putting the Bancrofts in charge of a fucking concentration camp. Now I mentioned the last time this aspect of HE!Voldemort was raised, way back in the first fic, that the idea of Voldemort having the equivalent of a concentration camp to dump his enemies isn't an irredeemable idea: the parallel with the Nazis was already there in canon even before Deathly Hallows. Still, this is such a transparent attempt to one-up the canon villains that it just comes across as a sick joke.
As they were seated and went about organizing their work area, they heard chairs move on the other side of the bookcase that separated them from the next table.
"Did you do as I instructed?" A voice asked arrogantly.
"Yes," was the meek reply.
"Was she cooperative? Did she allow you to take any pictures?" he continued to question.
Yes, they just happened to have to go to the library and just happened to sit within earshot of the people they've only just been talking about. This goes way beyond plot contrivance into the realms of total bullshit.
"Certainly, little brother. I'm going to ruin Emily Zacherley's life, like her parents did the lives of our mother and father. I'm going to get her expelled from Hogwarts and humiliate her in the wizard world. If I'm lucky the disgrace might even spread to the Potters so that Hogwarts can be purged of him and his mudblood bitch of a wife."
Dick the dick is kind of a dick, isn't he?
"How do you hope to accomplish all that?" Tyler asked.
"I have a contact who dabbles in child pornography on the wizard net.
Considering he's barely if at all of age himself, I'd have thought that having a contact who's into child pornography would be quite risky, especially as he's thinking of dragging his eleven-year-old brother along. And what is this wizard net? We've never seen anyone use it in all of Hogwarts Exposed, only oblique references to the kind of pictures that turn up there. Nobody has so much as checked their magical email.
He has assured me that Emily Zacherley can become extremely well known overnight. But I don't want him having all the fun. I'm going to have the pictures blown up to poster size and hung in every hall of Hogwarts. I only wish I didn't have to wait until the next Hogsmeade weekend to put my plan into action. Until then this camera with its valuable contents will remain secure in my underwear drawer"
Conveniently telling the convenient eavesdroppers who just happen to be there where the incriminating evidence is hidden.
Randy and Matt silently slipped away from the table and hurried back to the Gryffindor common room.
"Emily's parents weren't the only ones to testify against Mum and Dad. Plenty of others did, too," Tyler pleaded.
It seems they left their POV behind.
"But it was their testimony that was the most compelling and sealed our parents' fate. Well, they got their due in that so called accident.
Ah yes, the accident. Now I'd called it as bullshit when it happened: in the very first scene we're told about the wizarding world in Philosopher's Stone, we're also told how ridiculous the idea of a witch and a wizard dying in a road accident is. This reveal might have worked about twenty chapters ago; as it is now, it looks like a desperate retcon. Which it probably is.
Hermione's face was ashen as she stared desperately at Severus. The mirror had warned her that the chances of saving Kim were miniscule, but still she had held onto hope until now.
Recap: the Mirror of Ytidun predicted that Kim's stepfather would abuse her over the holidays, and yet somehow, even with the help of HE!Snape when he's not screwing his subordinates, Harry and Hermione weren't able to keep her in Hogwarts. It should go without saying that a magical talking mirror is probably not the best way of introducing a child abuse subplot, and yet here we are. Hogwarts Exposed: plumbing the depths of bad taste since 2002. Also, the mirror relied on its ability to see the future of anyone who's stood in front of it, and yet the bit where Kim stands in front of it never actually appeared in the story. Foreshadowing: you fail it. Forever.
"What's happened?" Hermione asked fearfully, letting the energy drain from her as she fell into the chair.
The vampire killed her and HE!Snape and there was much rejoicing. The End.
"I don't have all the details," Severus answered, "but it seems Miss Thatcher performed magic outside of school." The headmaster handed Hermione a copy of the letter that the Ministry had sent to Kim.
It is, of course, a direct copy of the Ministry letters Harry received in the books with the relevant details changed.
We would also ask you to remember that any magical activity that risks notice by members of the non-magical community (Muggles) is a serious offense under section 13 of the International Confederation of Wizards' Statute of Secrecy.
The Statute of Secrecy that nobody in this fic seems to have given a flying fuck about so far. Why didn't Caitlin receive a letter for hyperempathising that girl at Cap d'Agde? If the answer is because she was in France, then surely the French Ministry would have had a thing or two to say, considering it's the International Confederation of Wizards' Statute of Secrecy.
I hope you are enjoying your holiday!
Yours sincerely,
Percy Weasley
IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE
Ministry of Magic
This is Percy's only appearance in the fic. He's got off lightly.
"Then she must be all right," Hermione said, somewhat relived. "Certainly the Ministry of Magic wouldn't send her an admonition if she had been hurt."
"Normally not," Severus agreed. He got up slowly from his desk and approached Hermione. "Have you been giving the young lady private instruction?"
And if anyone should know about giving young ladies private instruction, it's HE!Snape.
"Yes," Hermione answered guiltily. "I felt she needed more skills than a first year would normally possess in order to defend herself."
Why's she acting guiltily? There's nothing wrong with giving a student private instruction, as long as "private instruction" only means that and not what HE!Snape has in mind for his own female students.
"Obviously you are an excellent teacher, and she must be an exceptionally quick learner," Snape said brandishing a smile. "Tonks owled me that it was necessary for her to capture a pig that ran out the front door of the house screaming 'help me'."
Hermione smiled. "I wasn't sure if she would be able to do it or not; that's seventh year ability, and even then we never practice with a living person."
If you're going to have her turn her abusive stepfather into a pig, it would have made much more sense to make it a burst of uncontrolled magic (cf. Aunt Marge in Prisoner of Azkaban) rather than have her cast a N.E.W.T.-level Transfiguration. I don't care how much better a teacher HE!Hermione is meant to be than McGonagall, and I'm not kidding, the author was actually trying to go for that bullshit. Especially as Kim's not supposed to be exceptionally talented: whereas Jamie was introduced as being top of her class and that's why she was Hermione's favourite student, and it's plausible that Emily would be similar because they've got the same genes and upbringing, Kim was this random girl who Emily just happened to befriend out of nowhere so to also make her super-powerful strains plausibility. The same goes for Caitlin, for that matter: random put-upon girl who Hermione and Jamie take pity on also happens to have superpowers and an obscenely massive inheritance. Give me a break.
"Tonks was able to retransfigure him before the Muggle authorities arrived, but he now has the tendency to oink occasionally," Severus said. "The girl's mother had been beaten rather badly by her husband and was taken to a muggle hospital. She will, however, recover and thankfully be pressing charges against the bastard this time. She requested that Tonks put Kim on the morning train.
The Hogwarts Express: one service on the first and last days of term to take the students to and from school. The Exposed!Hogwarts Express: kind of like the West Coast Main Line. Harry and Ron could just have caught the 11:15 in Chamber of Secrets and had done with it. Apart from anything else, if the barrier at King's Cross is open all the time then surely a Muggle must have fallen through there by accident at some point, and that's exactly the kind of thing that would get a throwaway remark in the books:
RON: You know a Muggle fell through here once.
HARRY: Really? What happened?
... and so forth. And yet nothing.
Hermione did a warming charm on both Emily and Caitlin's robes as they waited with her on the platform for the arrival of the train. The temperature was only in the teens, and now that darkness was settling, the swirling snow made it feel even colder.
Since we use Celsius in the UK, a temperature in the teens is a heatwave for the Scottish Highlands in December.
"We won't pressure her," Emily said earnestly as she struggled to keep the wind from blowing her robes and skirt about.
Why's she wearing robes and a skirt? What the hell, costuming department?
As soon as the train slowed to a stop, passengers began to get off. Most of the students that would be attending the Yule Ball were riding this train.
Maybe that's why they put on the extra service. Or, like in Goblet of Fire, they could actually have stayed at school for the Yule Ball.
Hermione and the girls watched impatiently for Kim. The warming charm had worn off, and they were once again all freezing.
Well, that was a short-lived warming charm. Might as well not have bothered, really.
Emily was also hoping to see someone else - her date for the dance. When Tyler stepped off the train, Emily was about to shout and wave to him, but his brother disembarked immediately behind him and looked lecherously in Emily's direction.
This is supposed to show Dick the dick as a villain, but looking lecherously at underage girls doesn't set him apart from anyone else in Hogwarts Exposed. I wouldn't put it past HE!Snape looking at her and thinking how much he can't wait.
Quickly, Emily checked to make sure her skirt and robes were properly covering her, not that she'd be embarrassed if anyone else accidentally got a show, but she certainly didn't want to give Dick that satisfaction.
And, you know, the weather.
"Thank you," Kim said as she stared intently at her reflection in the mirror. "I wish you were alive so I could give you a hug. I dread to think what could have happened if it hadn't been for you and Professor Granger."
"I likewise dread the thought," the mirror responded. "I'm only pleased I was able to help. I would have sorely missed reflecting you."
"You're very special," Kim said leaning forward and kissing the reflective glass before scampering off to join the others.
And for all the significance of how the Mirror of Ytidun saved her, this is the first interaction she has with it in the actual story.
Hermione and Jamie were preparing hot chocolate as Kim entered the room. Harry and Caitlin merely looked at her in surprise, but it was Emily that commented. "You're nude," Emily said in surprise. "I thought you were ill at ease being naked. After what occurred I didn't…"
Emily stopped mid sentence when she noticed the censorious look she was receiving from Hermione. She had forgotten that they weren't to mention what had happened to Kim.
Click to viewKim gave Emily a weak smile. "It's a matter of perspective," Kim said, trying to explain. "I'm more comfortable here with you guys starkers than I would be around him if I had on ten layers of clothes. I think my comfort level is more measured by the people I'm around rather than my clothing or lack of it."
Because a child narrowly escaping being raped is a perfect opportunity to witter about the joys of nudity. I don't think I've hated this fic more than I do right now.
Everyone else nodded.
But did they nod yes or no?
"I suppose you'd like to hear what happened?" Kim asked, warily.
Harry and Jamie sat expressionless, but Caitlin and Emily bobbed their heads enthusiastically.
This description makes them sound like a pair of nodding dogs in the back of a car.
"At first, I had high hopes that the mirror was mistaken," Kim sighed. "Although Mum and George, my stepfather, were both rather taken aback by my hair when they saw me, he didn't look at me like - well, in that way - like he had most of last summer.
George is basically LoPEF!Ron as a Hogwarts Exposed character. By which I mean that he's a paedophile on top of everything else.
"I hoped that we would have a nice family holiday, which actually we did. Although everything seemed to be going smoothly, I remained vigilant, never letting my guard down.
CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
I even showered with my wand at hand as you had suggested," she said, giving Hermione a little smile.
There aren't enough hours in the day for all the jokes I could make about showering with her wand at hand.
"Mum told me that she had threatened to leave George unless he stopped drinking. Evidently he had believed her, and it made a tremendous difference in his personality and actions. He was once again the George that Mum had married; the man I had started to think of as a father.
Drink doesn't work that way. It doesn't give you urges you didn't already have, just makes you less able to control them. He's not going to become a wife-beating paedophile just because he's had a few unless he had those tendencies already. LoPEF got this right (words you won't often see me type) in her portrayal of evil!Ron, making his drink problem incidental to his behaviour rather than the cause of it. Granted, there was still the same ZOMG DRINK IZ EVIL subtext that never fails to make me crave a nice cold beer out of contrariness, but it's something. Though this attitude to drink would explain why having a couple of cans is designated villain behaviour and Jamie was so vehement about Harry and Hermione not having beer in their quarters. (Oddly, they have had wine without any fuss.)
"That was until yesterday. He received word that his company had lost out on a huge contract they were bidding on. That meant no bonus, no overtime and the possibility that he could even be laid off. He started drinking early in the afternoon, and then after he and Mum argued, he went off to a pub.
"I fell asleep with great difficulty, remembering how wicked he could be when he returned home drunk. It was about three in the morning when I was awakened by their arguing. But it wasn't just arguing, there was also a thudding sound as well; I could tell that he was hitting my Mum." Kim took a deep breath.
Tonight on Lifetime.
"He was standing beside the bed. When he saw me, his face beamed. 'Now isn't that perfect timing,' he said as if he hated me. 'You'll be able to watch the little one get it for the first time.'
I think this guy's supposed to be evil, but I might be going out on a limb there.
Kim forced a nervous laugh. "I must have been a sight, standing there nude except for the wand sheath that Professor Granger had given me attached to my thigh.
Because even when recounting a traumatic memory (in full AHEDV mode, of course) we still have to dwell on nudity. This is, after all, Hogwarts Exposed.
"He had me cornered. I reached for the wand, pointed it, and said the incantation I was taught." Kim glanced toward Emily and Caitlin, "I had no idea if it would work, but it was my only chance. I didn't even see him transform. I had closed my eyes in fear, and was expecting the worse.
But not the very worst.
"Then I heard a loud 'pop', and without warning, there was a strange woman standing next to me - pretty, but with the weirdest orange hair. She took a quick look at my Mum and me and then raced after the pig. In a few moments, she returned with a cage containing the squealing animal suspended in mid air."
You know, the running gag of Tonks being described by a different hair colour every time she's mentioned crossed the line from cute to cutesy in her very first scene, and here and now when we're discussing how an eleven-year-old girl narrowly escaped being raped is hardly the time.
"I hope Tonks left George a pig," Jamie declared disgustedly. "It would serve him right to spend the balance of his life wallowing in mud."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 46
"We didn't have to," Kim said, sounding slightly in awe. "That's why I'm glad Tonks is on our side. She transformed George back to his human form just before my Mum called the police, but she did it at the top of the stairs just outside my Mum's room. George was drunk and confused, so it was easy for her to shove him down the steps. Then she broke his arm and leg and zapped him unconscious so he wouldn't get away before the police arrived.
"She left right after Mum called for assistance, taking my wand and all other traces of my being a witch with her. I got them back when she put me on the train."
Hermione just shook her head. She didn't normally approve of physical violence,
but she had to admire Tonk's style.
Who's Tonk?
December 31, 2004
"Why aren't you with the other girls?" Hermione asked when she entered her quarters to find Kim lying on the sofa staring aimlessly into space.
Since the previous scene ended with the conversation trailing off and nothing happening afterwards, we're left with the impression that she's been lying on the sofa staring aimlessly into space for what the author would call the balance of the time.
"They're all charming their hair and taking tanning potions for the Ball tonight, but I decided not to bother since I'm not going," Kim said, sounding downcast.
"That's understandable," Professor Granger, said comfortingly, "I imagine you're still upset from your encounter."
Her encounter. That's one way of putting it. One way of putting it that makes it sound like she's playing the world's worst D&D game, but still one way of putting it.
"That's what I told them," Kim answered, "but it's not the truth. I want to go, but I haven't anything to wear. Mum and I were going to shop in Diagon Alley before I caught the train back, but…. Well, you know what happened."
Not that it's stopped the author reiterating plot points before.
"Have you told Randy yet?" the Professor asked.
"Yeah, he was rather bombed out," Kim said dejectedly.
See, I can tell from context what the author was going for in this attempt to be idiomatic, but still, "bombed out" to me says less "unhappy" and more "destroyed in an air raid".
"I wish I had know sooner," Hermione said, realizing how disappointed the girl must be. "I could have taken you to Hogsmeade, but by now the shops are closed for the holiday."
New Year's Eve isn't a public holiday in the UK, though granted some shops (especially the small independent kind you're likely to get in a village like Hogsmeade) do close early, or even close for Christmas and don't reopen until after New Year so the owners can go on holiday. Still, what's stopping them from taking Floo powder to London and finding a shop that's still open there?
Hermione started to walk away, but than had a brilliant idea.
"I have an idea!" she said.
"Do you have a favorite color?" she asked.
"Not really," Kim answered, sounding more disheartened by the minute. "Mum says I look best in red."
"I have an idea," Hermione said enthusiastically.
"If you don't mind wearing a hand-me- down, you can wear my robes from last years Ball. I only wore them half the night."
"Because then Crabbe and Goyle Portkeyed me out of them having somehow outwitted me and the entire Hogwarts faculty!" You'd think with an association like that, she wouldn't have kept hold of the robes. I say "robes", but as zelda_queen pointed out here, it's basically a (very skimpy) Muggle party frock rather than true dress robes.
Kim followed Hermione as she rushed off to her bedroom. "Professor, I truly appreciate the offer, but if you haven't noticed, we're rather different in size."
Hermione seemed to ignore Kim as she searched her closet for the dress, nearly tripping over a box that had been there since her wedding.
The mystery box reappearing right now is one of the weirdest continuity nods I've ever seen, especially in a fic that normally plays so fast and loose with continuity.
Finally, she pulled the dress from its protective covering and showed it to Kim.
"Its beautiful," Kim sighed, "but it would never fit me, especially up top. My breasts are miniscule compared to yours."
The author is obsessed with breasts, Exhibit... we've run out of letters. In fact, we've run out of Unicode characters.
"You, young lady, have an exquisite body for an eleven year old. I would have killed to look like you when I was eleven. You forget that this isn't a muggle dress.
Despite being described as looking pretty much exactly like one. And somehow, the author not making his mind up whether "Muggle" should be capitalised (yes) is more annoying than if he'd just left it uncapitalised throughout.
These robes are designed to conform to the body of the wearer. Try them on and you'll see what I mean."
At first Kim just stood in front of the mirror, holding the robes against her and admiring their beauty.
"Will you please put them on?" the mirror said impatiently. "I'm anxious to reflect how beautiful you'll look in them."
The Mirror of Ytidun has a thing for eleven-year-old girls. Maybe it used to belong to HE!Snape.
"Its charmed to hug your body in the front. I was nervous at first when I wore it," Hermione admitted, "but I promise it won't drop off in the middle of the night leaving you exposed."
Or too exposed, one might say.
"I love it," Kim said, practically swooning, "but I think the adjustment charm malfunctioned on the length. It barely covers my bum. I can't help but give a show whenever I move." Kim looked shockingly at Hermione.
She'd set the voltage too high and it killed her. The End.
"No I didn't," Hermione admitted, "but the temporary alteration they did for me was minimal. Jamie and Caitlin had the exact dress, but in different colors and wore it as designed."
Kim looked at Professor Granger in disbelief. "You allowed them to go to a school dance knowing that they would be exposed whenever they leaned slightly in any direction?"
More than that: they'd be too... okay, I'll stop that.
"No I didn't. Most certainly I was concerned about the girls wearing such extremely short dresses, especially since they never wear knickers. But no one got a show; they just saw an awful lot of leg. The skirt of the dress is made of a modesty-charmed material."
"Modesty-charmed?" Kim said skeptically.
"MODESTY-CHARMED!"
Hermione smiled at Kim, realizing how strange the girl must feel. "Okay, now point your wand at the skirt of the robes and say "Modestio."
"Modestio"
The Modesty Charm seems to function like any other spell: you point your wand, say an incantation and kapow. I'm not sure why the robe itself needed to be charmed when this could just be a regular spell.
Kim tried to remove the garment, but although she had drawn yards of material over her head, the hem remained firmly in place covering her private area.
Which most certainly it's wrong to expose.
"Okay, I'm convinced," Kim shouted, as if conceding a battle. "How do I get out of this?"
"For the next hour you don't," Hermione answered with a laugh. "You must wait for the charm to expire."
That at least explains why the charm expires, but surely it would make more sense to be permanent until dispelled rather than have the one-hour cut-off. What if you were ready to get undressed for whatever reason but missed the window? Of course, the real reason is to allow for Wacky Hijinks™ because the author thinks that plots about child abuse and abortion belong in the same story as Carry On Up the Hogwarts. Then again, it does means we don't have to see him misspell Finite Incantatem again.
Kim adjusted the dress until it was once again fitting properly. "I won't get in trouble if I wear this?"
"No," Hermione said, smiling. "Just remember to renew the charm before the hour is up and always sit with your legs together.
I don't see how this can possibly go wrong.
Kim hugged Professor Granger excitedly. "I have to get word to Randy that we're going to the ball after all."
He'll be Randy.
"Where are the boys going to meet us?" Kim asked anxiously.
"At the bottom of the marble staircase, just outside the Great Hall," Caitlin answered nervously. "That reminds me, be sure to walk behind us going down the steps."
"Why?" Kim asked, looking at Caitlin incredulously.
"Jamie and I wore similar dresses last year," Caitlin said. "When you go up and down stairs, anyone at the bottom of the steps gets a rather revealing show."
Oh joy, we're recycling scenes.
Do you mind if we go for a walk?" Emily asked, pulling at her dress in an irritated fashion.
I've noticed the author's now given up the pretense that what they're wearing are in any way dress robes per Harry Potter.
"No, actually it's a grand idea," Tyler said grabbing his camera off the table and then taking Emily's hand and letting her guide him out of the Great Hall.
As they walked down the corridor, Emily tried every door they passed looking for one that was unlocked. Finally they came to classroom eleven, which was never used. When Emily tried the door, it opened, and they found themselves staring into the middle of a forest clearing. At first they both stood stunned in disbelief.
"This must have be Firenze's old classroom," Tyler finally offered.
We have another Order of the Phoenix retcon!
"Whose?" Emily said, confused.
"Before the war, Cornelius Fudge was the Ministry of Magic," Tyler explained.
He must have been very busy.
"He appointed a Hogwarts High Inquisitor whose job was theoretically to purge the school of what the Ministry considered to be sub-standard teachers. When the Inquisitor sacked Trelawney, the divination professor,
... who's still at Hogwarts, so why he needed to point out who she is would be anybody's guess.
Headmaster Dumbledore hired a centaur named Firenze to take her place. This must have been his classroom; it was made to look like the Forbidden Forest."
"How do you know about all that stuff?" Emily asked, obviously impressed.
"It's all in
... Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Hogwarts, a History. Haven't you ever read it?" Tyler asked.
"No," Emily answered, "but this is perfect." She pulled Tyler into the room and did a locking charm on the door.
Considering Emily is meant to be something of a swot, it would make more sense for her to have read Hogwarts: A History.
"Tyler, these dress robes have been annoying me all night. They feel like they're cutting into my skin. Would you mind if I just took them off for a few minutes to get some relief?" Emily asked, candidly.
"You're asking me if I mind?" Tyler uttered in disbelief. "Of course I don't mind, I love seeing you naked."
You're an eleven-year-old boy. By rights, you should be running in blind panic from any girl who threatens to get her kit off in front of you.
"This is more like it," Emily said, stretching. "The Ball was fun, but I could lay here for hours."
At least until the Ministry showed up to arrest you for underage sex.
"Maybe some day," Emily said innocently, wondering how it would feel. "Why have you been carrying that camera around all night? I haven't seen you take even one picture."
"I was hoping to get a few pictures of you before the evening was over," Tyler answered. "You know, to look at when you're not around. I imagine that will have to wait a little longer now."
And there's no way this could possibly go wrong, is there? No way at all that Dick the dick's brother having naked pictures of Emily could come back and bite her on the bare arse? For that matter, no way at all that naked pictures of a very underage girl could get a lot of people into a lot of well-deserved trouble? To make matters worse, for all I can't stand Emily, Tyler basically manipulates her into it:
"I'd give anything in the world to have a picture of you as you are now," Tyler said earnestly, "but you'd never let me. Would you?"
"No! I doubt that would be a good idea," Emily answered. "Especially after what the family just went through with Playwizard."
"Yeah," Tyler said disappointedly. "I imagine you'd have to trust someone an awful lot before you'd consent to letting them have a nude photograph of you. With my brother's reputation preceding me, I doubt you'd ever trust me that much."
... etc. Now he's always come across as a smarmy get, but this just takes the piss.
"Have you seen Emily?" Kim asked Caitlin during a break in the music. "It's only thirty minutes before midnight."
It's at this point that the author remembers that this is supposed to be a New Year's party, despite still being called the Yule Ball in the hope of maintaining at least a tenuous link to canon.
"I wouldn't worry about her," Caitlin said matter-of-factly. "Her dress has been bothering her all night. She probably just went to find some place where she could take it off for a short while."
"But Tyler was with her," Kim said, as if shocked.
But not actually shocked.
"No, I guess not," Kim said, shaking her head. "Actually, I guess we should be thankful she didn't just up and take it off right here in front of everybody."
"That's what I'm about ready to do," Caitlin said in frustration. "I can't wait to get back to our quarters and strip. Next year, I'm wearing nothing but the concealment charm whether Mum likes it or not. I just won't dance with anyone that I would mind seeing me naked."
Blah blah nudity fucking blah.
"Just kidding," Caitlin said with a laugh. "I wish you could have seen your face. Oh! Here come Randy and Matt with our drinks. What are you going to do if Randy tries to kiss you at midnight?"
Kim colored deeply. "Probably kiss him back," Kim said apprehensively. "I just hope I don't get so keyed up that I pee my pants."
... that doesn't happen.
"That's rather an impossibility," Caitlin said, laughingly.
LAUGHINGLY COUNT: 9
"The girls look like they're having a good time," Hermione said as she and Harry surveyed the room.
Harry nodded his head. "I'm so glad the situation with Kim worked out," he said, "she's a lovely girl.
Yes, it's great how she nearly got raped and it could have been totally prevented had HE!Snape not been too busy with his sordid personal life. And for all that, we never actually got any of her POV, only everyone else's reaction to her narrating the story in AHEDV. It's yet another case of this, which we also saw with Caitlin's abuse by Hooch, Jamie's near-rape experience and the deaths of the Zacherleys.
I wonder how much longer she'll keep her hair that length?"
Yay random subject change!
"You sir, are very prejudiced and incredibly sweet when it comes to my looks," Hermione said, giving Harry's hand a squeeze. "We made it through our first year back together, should we try for another?"
"Do you expect an answer immediately, or may I think about it?" Harry said mischievously.
"Don't think too long," Hermione said threateningly. "Neville might be taken now, but the last I heard Severus and Draco are both currently available."
And being his subordinate and former student, she's precisely HE!Snape's type.
"Jamie, you look troubled," Hermione said concernedly.
"I'm worried about Amanda," Jamie answered. "I didn't expect her and Tony to be at the Ball, but I had hoped to hear from her by now. I hope her parents don't take her out of school."
"That would be a tragedy," Hermione responded. "That is a prehistoric response parents and educators once took to young girls being pregnant. If anything, having a child makes it all the more important that she finishes her education."
See, that's a sensible response. This should not be an issue in any story set in 2005.
"Will the Board of Governors allow her to remain in school pregnant?" Alex asked, tentatively.
Harry chuckled. "They will if they don't want to face the wrath of Granger. Take my word; no one wants to fight my wife when it comes to discrimination."
Except when it comes to their relationship, in which she just defers to him every step of the way.
"Alex, you're doing fine in both our classes; there is no need to butter us up." Harry said with a laugh, but then turned stern. "I would, however, suggest you stop carrying your wand in your back pocket before you have a serious accident and lose your buttocks."
CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
"I've always considered myself rather a tomboy and not particularly attractive," Emily said sighing, "but
... that bears no relation to anything we've seen of her appearance or self-image in the fic so far.
you make me feel like I'm some sort of eleven year old supermodel."
"Soon to be twelve," Tyler said, remembering Emily's birthday was a week after Valentines Day.
Wait, Hogwarts Exposed characters have birthdays? You could have fooled me.
Tyler reluctantly brought the camera to his eye. This girl trusted him completely. How could he be about to betray her? He snapped one picture and then another. He was as appalling as his brother, perhaps ever shoddier. At least his brother was open with the fact that he was a rotten bastard.
Yes, thanks for spoiling your plot twist, not that it was in any way not insultingly predictable.
"…two, one. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"Happy New Year, 'Mione," Harry said taking his wife in his arms and kissing her fervently.
Fuck off.
"I love you Sam," Ron whispered before their lips joined.
This is their only appearance in this entire scene. Might as well not have bothered, especially with the POV shift and all.
"I feel like I'm living a dream and I'm afraid I'll wake up," Tyler said, looking at Emily's glowing face.
She's wearing radium foundation again.
"If this is a dream, please kiss me before it's over," Emily said, earnestly.
They kissed lightly on the lips and then Tyler embraced Emily in a hug. Unexpectedly, Emily felt moistness on her cheek and pulled away slightly. "Tyler, you're crying," Emily said in astonishment. "What's the matter?"
"You wouldn't understand," he said gloomily, squeezing her even tighter.
"I'm about to sell your illegal naked pictures to my moustache-twirling evil brother!"
"You made the statement that you were considering staying unclothed at all times in our quarters even when we have company like you did with Ron and Sam. I don't see how that's possible," Harry said.
"Are you referring to the students?" Hermione asked.
"Yes," Harry responded. "I talked to both Jamie and Emily. They did indeed grow up in a totally nude home environment. Neither remembers ever seeing their parents clothed when they were at home. I was especially interested in how they handled their school friends."
I'm especially interested in how they handled school. You know, most schools tend to insist that their pupils attend with clothes on. Why, then, are they so unused to wearing clothes after spending seven years at school before even going to Hogwarts, and then having to wear robes there too?
"It would seem girls are much more mature when it comes to handling nudity than young boys," Harry agreed. "Some of Emily's friends, who were mostly boys, seemed, on the surface, to handle things fine while at the house, but once they returned to school, had rather a field day describing what they had seen."
I'd say this wasn't because girls are so much better than boys so much as because the naked people were also girls. I mean, what I said about how an eleven-year-old boy would flee from a girl who threatened to get undressed in front of him? Likewise vice versa, I'd say.
"Who?" Harry asked with concern, "They're still students."
"Amanda for one, assuming she returns to school and Alex for another," Hermione said confidently. "If it hadn't been for Alex, you wouldn't be holding me in your arms right now. That boy found me and carried me to help, but has never revealed to a soul that I was naked."
Because it was hardly relevant next to the fact that she was almost fucking dead.
Saturday, January 1, 2005
"I can't believe you two," Caitlin said, shaking her head in frustration. "Professor Malfoy assigned us that homework three days before vacation began. Why on earth did you both wait until today to start it?"
"It's called procrastination," Randy answered wincingly. "Something I'm sure you're incapable of. You know, you could be a sweetheart and help Matt and me."
"I could, but then you would miss out on two lessons," Caitlin said stubbornly.
"Two lessons?" Matt questioned.
"Yes, two!" Caitlin emphasized. "If you don't write your own foot of parchment on the subject, you won't grasp the theory. You also won't learn not to postpone 'til tomorrow what should have been done two weeks ago."
Caitlin is early!Hermione. I can't rightly say whether this is consistent with her established characterisation, because she doesn't have any established characterisation. She got attacked and left for dead by Hooch and taken in by Hermione, and suffered no ill effects because of a magical toy unicorn that's since buggered off into a plot hole, and can heal people magically without breaking the Statute of Secrecy, and restore their hair, and... that's about it, really. Anyway, Matt and Randy head off to the library and we get some long-overdue expospeak about the Bancrofts.
"What do you think of Tyler?" Randy interrupted.
"I'm not sure," Matt answered honestly. "He seems like an okay guy and treats Emily well, but it's hard to believe that he could be nothing like his brother and parents."
"I know his brother is an arse, but what's the story on the parents?" Randy asked.
"They were Death Eaters," Matt explained. "Two loyal followers of He-Who-Must-Not- Be-Named. They ran one of his death camps where they experimented on and tortured people before finally putting them out of misery."
They couldn't just be Death Eaters. No, this is Hogwarts Exposed, where grimdark is king. The author had to upstage the already monstrous Death Eaters we see in canon, such as Bellatrix and her gang, by putting the Bancrofts in charge of a fucking concentration camp. Now I mentioned the last time this aspect of HE!Voldemort was raised, way back in the first fic, that the idea of Voldemort having the equivalent of a concentration camp to dump his enemies isn't an irredeemable idea: the parallel with the Nazis was already there in canon even before Deathly Hallows. Still, this is such a transparent attempt to one-up the canon villains that it just comes across as a sick joke.
As they were seated and went about organizing their work area, they heard chairs move on the other side of the bookcase that separated them from the next table.
"Did you do as I instructed?" A voice asked arrogantly.
"Yes," was the meek reply.
"Was she cooperative? Did she allow you to take any pictures?" he continued to question.
Yes, they just happened to have to go to the library and just happened to sit within earshot of the people they've only just been talking about. This goes way beyond plot contrivance into the realms of total bullshit.
"Certainly, little brother. I'm going to ruin Emily Zacherley's life, like her parents did the lives of our mother and father. I'm going to get her expelled from Hogwarts and humiliate her in the wizard world. If I'm lucky the disgrace might even spread to the Potters so that Hogwarts can be purged of him and his mudblood bitch of a wife."
Dick the dick is kind of a dick, isn't he?
"How do you hope to accomplish all that?" Tyler asked.
"I have a contact who dabbles in child pornography on the wizard net.
Considering he's barely if at all of age himself, I'd have thought that having a contact who's into child pornography would be quite risky, especially as he's thinking of dragging his eleven-year-old brother along. And what is this wizard net? We've never seen anyone use it in all of Hogwarts Exposed, only oblique references to the kind of pictures that turn up there. Nobody has so much as checked their magical email.
He has assured me that Emily Zacherley can become extremely well known overnight. But I don't want him having all the fun. I'm going to have the pictures blown up to poster size and hung in every hall of Hogwarts. I only wish I didn't have to wait until the next Hogsmeade weekend to put my plan into action. Until then this camera with its valuable contents will remain secure in my underwear drawer"
Conveniently telling the convenient eavesdroppers who just happen to be there where the incriminating evidence is hidden.
Randy and Matt silently slipped away from the table and hurried back to the Gryffindor common room.
"Emily's parents weren't the only ones to testify against Mum and Dad. Plenty of others did, too," Tyler pleaded.
It seems they left their POV behind.
"But it was their testimony that was the most compelling and sealed our parents' fate. Well, they got their due in that so called accident.
Ah yes, the accident. Now I'd called it as bullshit when it happened: in the very first scene we're told about the wizarding world in Philosopher's Stone, we're also told how ridiculous the idea of a witch and a wizard dying in a road accident is. This reveal might have worked about twenty chapters ago; as it is now, it looks like a desperate retcon. Which it probably is.