Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 6 part 4
Welcome back.
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to accompany you to the professors’ quarters? Kim asked uncertainly as her and Emily head toward the hidden staircase.
As her what and Emily headed towards the hidden staircase?
“Sure, Emily quickly answered. “They don’t mind if we have friends there. Besides I doubt they’ll be around. Hermione said something about a faculty meeting. This will be a good opportunity for you to get accustom to being nude in front of people.”
Kim stopped in her tracks and gawked at Emily. She was flabbergasted. “And why exactly would I want to get acclimatized to being nude in front of people? You’re the nudist, not me.”
This is a very good question.
“The other girls didn’t see it that way,” Emily said, tentatively. “Kim, you might want to take a seat while I tell you the conversation that took place after you ran out of the dorm.”“Is it that bad?” Kim asked as she slid her back down the wall and sat on the floor, her chin leaning on her knees. “What happened?”
“I gotta pee!” Kim yelled as she threw back the sheet, jumped to her feet and streaked to the loo.
Marta smiled as she watched the door close on Kim’s bare bun. “I’m not completely sure but she looked to be supportive of Zacherley.”
This bit was copy-pasted from before, complete with the lolarious typo.
Denise’s face was fired with anger. “Let’s get dressed and go to breakfast, Janice. I need some fresh air.”
“Damn,” Janice said as if disappointed.
But not actually disappointed. Why? I don't know.
“I thought for sure she was the girl from the train. You know the one with the infantile knickers.”
See, not disappointed at all. Apparently. Why does she care so much about someone else's "infantile" knickers? Why, of all the children's programmes in the world, did the author pick one that isn't in fact too "infantile" for kids this age? How, again, do presumably pure-blood wizards even know who the hell the Powerpuff Girls are? And do eleven-year-olds use the word "infantile" anyway?
“I wouldn’t be so sure she isn’t,” Denise answered. “Unlike Miss Tart here, she didn’t exactly take her time walking to the loo.
A tart as well as a bun. Do they even need to go down for breakfast when they've got half of Greggs right there in the dorm?
“You have no business going through her dresser,” Emily said in panic. First because it was true, but secondly because she was afraid she might have missed some garments.
“Mind your own business tart,” Denise said nastily.
What's a business tart? Is it like a big one that comes in slices to share at meetings or something?
“This is Slytherin House. If you want to keep others out of your personal belongings, you better learn some good locking charms. Otherwise what’s yours is mine.”
It's the house of ambition and cunning, not the house of kleptomania.
As they had talked, Kim had relaxed her legs and at the same time allowed her knees to spread apart. Had it interested Emily, she could have had a wide-open view.
“Kim, are you conscious of the view you’re giving me?” Emily asked.
So basically, no "had it interested Emily" at all. You don't tell us about how she could have seen up Kim's robe and then describe her reaction to actually doing so. Also, the narrative retcon is again unnecessary when the author could just have written something like:
Emily suddenly noticed that she could see up Kim's robe.
... followed by her reaction. Provided we're still in her POV, which (as ever in this fic!) is an open question.
Kim became indecisive.
How so? The way this is written she might as well be prefacing her next sentence with the word "indecisively" spoken in a monotone, with thanks to danel4d for the perfect analogy.
“Kim, hurry, get up. I want to get to my parent’s quarters before my sisters.
Apparently she's only got the one parent. Maybe fake!Hermione has been banished into the aether as part of a greater scheme to bring back canon!Hermione.
Emily grab Kim’s hand and helped her up, but then didn’t let go as they ran down the hall and they climbed the stairs to the staff quarters.
There's no excuse for this, and I'm not just talking about the random tense shift. How about:
Emily grabbed Kim's hand and helped her up. She didn't let go as they ran down the hall and climbed the stairs to the staff quarters.
Run-on sentences are hard to read because it's easy to lose track of exactly what's going on and then when you get to the end you have to go right back to the beginning again and this gets confusing and at its worst you end up stuck in an infinite loop of reading the same sentence over and over and this destroys any semblance of flow in the narrative because it's impossible to move on and this was a pain in the arse to write but I hope it clearly demonstrates the point I'm trying to make, if "clearly" is the right word. Think of it as the equivalent of a stack overflow.
Emily canceled the locking charm and they hastily entered.
The way this is phrased suggests that anyone could just walk up there and cancel the locking charm. Security? What's that?
Kim started looking about and before she realized it Emily was practically undressed. “What are you doing?” she said in a panic.
You really need to ask that now?
“What I always do when I’m here,” Emily answered. “Take my clothes off and get comfortable. Get undressed.”
Why she obeyed Kim wasn’t sure, but her butt had scarcely touched the chair before Emily was on her knees in front of her pulling off her shoes and socks.
There's a Sock Gap joke in there somewhere.
“What I asked you to do. I’m undressing you. And stop looking at me like that. I’m trying to help you.”
She's undressing her for her own good. I'm honestly lost for words here.
As she had talked Emily made fast work of Kim’s shoes and socks. Kim hadn’t helped her, but surprisingly she hadn’t hindered her either. “Okay, stand up!”
Kim slowly obeyed and got to her feet. “We don’t have a lot of time,” Emily said. “Will you do this or must I?”
Very slowly Kim started to undo the buttons on her shirt. “Darn girl, you are slow,” Emily said as she loosened Kim’s belt and pulled down the zipper on her skirt.
When even the characters are saying the story is moving too slowly, the damn story is moving too slowly. Or should that be the "goshdarn" story because apparently Emily is eleven going on 111.
The skirt immediately fell to the floor as Emily helped Kim with her last buttons and then helped her out of the shirt.
What happened to her robes, anyway?
Kim stood there frozen. She didn’t try to hide herself, but she didn’t move or say anything either.
I think the fact that the author didn't intend to write a traumatised reaction makes the fact that this reads as textbook trauma even worse.
“First answer me three questions,” Emily said. Kim nodded her head vaguely in affirmation.
If a reader had somehow managed to go through life never knowing what a nod of the head signifies until they read Hogwarts Exposed, I think they might have have worked it out by now.
“Does it bother you that I’m naked?”
”Not really,” Kim answered. “I’ve gotten accustomed to seeing you that way.”
“Are you less anxious being nude in front of me now than you were this morning?”
“Much less. Mind you, I’d rater be dressed, but it’s not anywhere near as bad as this morning.”
If this is nowhere near as bad... I don't even.
“I know, Emily said reassuringly. “That’s why you’re going to stay naked when my sisters arrive.”
Some reassurance that is.
Kim turned pale white
Tara Gilesbie called. She wants her redundancy back.
but had no time to respond before the door opened and Jamie entered the room.
Obvious contrived timing is obvious.
“Professor Malfoy kept us all an additional fifteen minutes after class or I would have been here sooner,” Jamie apologized as she shed her clothes.
The about-face from the Trilogy!Draco of HE to the canon!Snape wannabe of HTE is jarring to say the least. I'm guessing when Snape turned into the simpering wazzock he is in this series, someone had to take his place. Also, we need Draco to carry forth the villain ball to set up the conflict, such that it is. We'll have to wait a while before we actually see anything like that, because kids running around blathering about nudity are far more important.
Kim didn’t answer. She was too distracted by the sensation of Jamie’s breast rubbing against her bare shoulder.
Nudity: (all together now...) COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL!
Jamie grabbed four butter beers and did a chilling charm on them before handing one to Kim.
“Beer? I’m too young to drink beer,” Kim exclaimed, pushing the beer away.
“It’s not that kind of beer,” Jamie said reassuringly. “If it was, you wouldn’t find it in these quarters.
On the one hand, yes, they are a bit young to be drinking beer unsupervised. On the other, it really wouldn't be such a scandal for two grown adults to have beer in their quarters.
Try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
“One of those better be for me!” Caitlin yelled as she closed the door and started undressing.
So they were all undressing with the door open. Good going there.
Kim shook her head, “You guys are incredible. Every one of you has the same priority of taking your clothes off as soon as you get in the door. Is being nude all you think about?”
Hardly!” Jamie said with a laugh.
Then why is it all you ever talk about?
Kim nodded her head in understanding as Caitlin approached the group. Caitlin took one look at Kim and was ready to burst into tears.
Well, this is Hogwarts Exposed.
“Look at her! Why is life so unfair to me?” Caitlin cried. “She’s only eleven. I’d kill to have that body at fourteen. She has a waist, a nice butt, great legs and look at her chest.
You'd be forgiven for not remembering what with all the crap the author dumps on her, but we still have another Sue. Yay.
Whereas I have skinny legs, no butt and breasts that look like Hershey Kisses.”
Leaving aside the question of why a British witch would describe herself in terms of an American Muggle sweet (answer: lazy writing), are we supposed to take home the idea that Caitlin is insecure about her appearance? I think there's that very subtle implication in this. Not to mention the several other lines she has saying more or less the same thing.
Kim looked at Emily questioningly. “Is she serious? Does she actually think I’m built nice?”
“Haven’t you ever looked at yourself naked in a mirror?” Emily asked. “It was the first thing I noticed this morning, but I didn’t want to make you any more nervous by commenting.
And we only just find this out, because we didn't have access to her POV. Oh, wait.
“Kim, I’m sorry,” Caitlin said with sincerity.
I can't unhear the elcor-speak now.
Time passed quickly as the girls discussed boys, school, boys, the various houses, boys, the different professors, boys, Kim’s dilemma and finally boys.
What fascinating, well-rounded characters these girls are.
Although she would have been more comfortable fully dressed, Kim enjoyed the time spent with the girls. There were a lot of nice people at Hogwarts and she was sure she knew three of the nicest.
They're the only nice people she's met so far, considering that they're the only ones (including their supposedly saintly boyfriends!) who helped her on the train, and the rest of her dorm are either background scenery or "herp derp we iz evil slitheryn lol".
The girls were just discussing that it was about time that they got dressed and went down to dinner when the door opened. At first Kim wished she could become part of the sofa. She didn’t want Professor Granger to she her nude. But the person entering wasn’t Professor Granger. Kim wanted to die. It was Professor Potter and he was looking directly at her.
“The last time I counted there were only three of you,” Harry said with a smile. “Has the student population of nudists increased at Hogwarts?”
“I think we might call her the unintentional nudist,” Jamie said as she explained Kim’s plight to Harry.
She might have said it before she explained Kim's plight to Harry. She might have said it after, or even in the middle, but she sure as hell didn't say it as she said something else. Unless she's got two mouths. Oh yes, and chapter title drop ahoy!
Harry listened intently being careful to look mainly at Emily, Caitlin and Jamie so as to not make Kim any more nervous than she already was.
Instead deciding to make the girls he's supposed to be looking after nervous, if they had any sense.
“Friendship is the key,” he said as Jamie finished. “I never would have made it through school if I hadn’t had Ron and Hermione by my side.
Enjoy this rare acknowledgement that Ron is helpful and Hermione is more than a doormat, because we won't see it often.
The girls all laughed, even Kim. “He’s amazing,” Kim said to Emily as they dressed for dinner. “I wanted to die when he first walked in and saw me naked, but he put me so at ease that I was sorry when he left.”
“He’s great. You’ll love Hermione, too. She’s so very different outside the classroom.”
Not that we've seen much of what she's like inside the classroom to compare.
“We can always walk together,” Emily said emphatically. “And I’d like to see anyone mess with us. Especially after what you taught us today.”
“Just remember,” Jamie said. “You never go looking for a fight, but you should always be prepared if one comes looking for you.”
Which is why she couldn't hit the person who tried sexually assaulting her sister without going into a blind panic. Obviously.
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to accompany you to the professors’ quarters? Kim asked uncertainly as her and Emily head toward the hidden staircase.
As her what and Emily headed towards the hidden staircase?
“Sure, Emily quickly answered. “They don’t mind if we have friends there. Besides I doubt they’ll be around. Hermione said something about a faculty meeting. This will be a good opportunity for you to get accustom to being nude in front of people.”
Kim stopped in her tracks and gawked at Emily. She was flabbergasted. “And why exactly would I want to get acclimatized to being nude in front of people? You’re the nudist, not me.”
This is a very good question.
“The other girls didn’t see it that way,” Emily said, tentatively. “Kim, you might want to take a seat while I tell you the conversation that took place after you ran out of the dorm.”“Is it that bad?” Kim asked as she slid her back down the wall and sat on the floor, her chin leaning on her knees. “What happened?”
“I gotta pee!” Kim yelled as she threw back the sheet, jumped to her feet and streaked to the loo.
Marta smiled as she watched the door close on Kim’s bare bun. “I’m not completely sure but she looked to be supportive of Zacherley.”
This bit was copy-pasted from before, complete with the lolarious typo.
Denise’s face was fired with anger. “Let’s get dressed and go to breakfast, Janice. I need some fresh air.”
“Damn,” Janice said as if disappointed.
But not actually disappointed. Why? I don't know.
“I thought for sure she was the girl from the train. You know the one with the infantile knickers.”
See, not disappointed at all. Apparently. Why does she care so much about someone else's "infantile" knickers? Why, of all the children's programmes in the world, did the author pick one that isn't in fact too "infantile" for kids this age? How, again, do presumably pure-blood wizards even know who the hell the Powerpuff Girls are? And do eleven-year-olds use the word "infantile" anyway?
“I wouldn’t be so sure she isn’t,” Denise answered. “Unlike Miss Tart here, she didn’t exactly take her time walking to the loo.
A tart as well as a bun. Do they even need to go down for breakfast when they've got half of Greggs right there in the dorm?
“You have no business going through her dresser,” Emily said in panic. First because it was true, but secondly because she was afraid she might have missed some garments.
“Mind your own business tart,” Denise said nastily.
What's a business tart? Is it like a big one that comes in slices to share at meetings or something?
“This is Slytherin House. If you want to keep others out of your personal belongings, you better learn some good locking charms. Otherwise what’s yours is mine.”
It's the house of ambition and cunning, not the house of kleptomania.
As they had talked, Kim had relaxed her legs and at the same time allowed her knees to spread apart. Had it interested Emily, she could have had a wide-open view.
“Kim, are you conscious of the view you’re giving me?” Emily asked.
So basically, no "had it interested Emily" at all. You don't tell us about how she could have seen up Kim's robe and then describe her reaction to actually doing so. Also, the narrative retcon is again unnecessary when the author could just have written something like:
Emily suddenly noticed that she could see up Kim's robe.
... followed by her reaction. Provided we're still in her POV, which (as ever in this fic!) is an open question.
Kim became indecisive.
How so? The way this is written she might as well be prefacing her next sentence with the word "indecisively" spoken in a monotone, with thanks to danel4d for the perfect analogy.
“Kim, hurry, get up. I want to get to my parent’s quarters before my sisters.
Apparently she's only got the one parent. Maybe fake!Hermione has been banished into the aether as part of a greater scheme to bring back canon!Hermione.
Emily grab Kim’s hand and helped her up, but then didn’t let go as they ran down the hall and they climbed the stairs to the staff quarters.
There's no excuse for this, and I'm not just talking about the random tense shift. How about:
Emily grabbed Kim's hand and helped her up. She didn't let go as they ran down the hall and climbed the stairs to the staff quarters.
Run-on sentences are hard to read because it's easy to lose track of exactly what's going on and then when you get to the end you have to go right back to the beginning again and this gets confusing and at its worst you end up stuck in an infinite loop of reading the same sentence over and over and this destroys any semblance of flow in the narrative because it's impossible to move on and this was a pain in the arse to write but I hope it clearly demonstrates the point I'm trying to make, if "clearly" is the right word. Think of it as the equivalent of a stack overflow.
Emily canceled the locking charm and they hastily entered.
The way this is phrased suggests that anyone could just walk up there and cancel the locking charm. Security? What's that?
Kim started looking about and before she realized it Emily was practically undressed. “What are you doing?” she said in a panic.
You really need to ask that now?
“What I always do when I’m here,” Emily answered. “Take my clothes off and get comfortable. Get undressed.”
Why she obeyed Kim wasn’t sure, but her butt had scarcely touched the chair before Emily was on her knees in front of her pulling off her shoes and socks.
There's a Sock Gap joke in there somewhere.
“What I asked you to do. I’m undressing you. And stop looking at me like that. I’m trying to help you.”
She's undressing her for her own good. I'm honestly lost for words here.
As she had talked Emily made fast work of Kim’s shoes and socks. Kim hadn’t helped her, but surprisingly she hadn’t hindered her either. “Okay, stand up!”
Kim slowly obeyed and got to her feet. “We don’t have a lot of time,” Emily said. “Will you do this or must I?”
Very slowly Kim started to undo the buttons on her shirt. “Darn girl, you are slow,” Emily said as she loosened Kim’s belt and pulled down the zipper on her skirt.
When even the characters are saying the story is moving too slowly, the damn story is moving too slowly. Or should that be the "goshdarn" story because apparently Emily is eleven going on 111.
The skirt immediately fell to the floor as Emily helped Kim with her last buttons and then helped her out of the shirt.
What happened to her robes, anyway?
Kim stood there frozen. She didn’t try to hide herself, but she didn’t move or say anything either.
I think the fact that the author didn't intend to write a traumatised reaction makes the fact that this reads as textbook trauma even worse.
“First answer me three questions,” Emily said. Kim nodded her head vaguely in affirmation.
If a reader had somehow managed to go through life never knowing what a nod of the head signifies until they read Hogwarts Exposed, I think they might have have worked it out by now.
“Does it bother you that I’m naked?”
”Not really,” Kim answered. “I’ve gotten accustomed to seeing you that way.”
“Are you less anxious being nude in front of me now than you were this morning?”
“Much less. Mind you, I’d rater be dressed, but it’s not anywhere near as bad as this morning.”
If this is nowhere near as bad... I don't even.
“I know, Emily said reassuringly. “That’s why you’re going to stay naked when my sisters arrive.”
Some reassurance that is.
Kim turned pale white
Tara Gilesbie called. She wants her redundancy back.
but had no time to respond before the door opened and Jamie entered the room.
Obvious contrived timing is obvious.
“Professor Malfoy kept us all an additional fifteen minutes after class or I would have been here sooner,” Jamie apologized as she shed her clothes.
The about-face from the Trilogy!Draco of HE to the canon!Snape wannabe of HTE is jarring to say the least. I'm guessing when Snape turned into the simpering wazzock he is in this series, someone had to take his place. Also, we need Draco to carry forth the villain ball to set up the conflict, such that it is. We'll have to wait a while before we actually see anything like that, because kids running around blathering about nudity are far more important.
Kim didn’t answer. She was too distracted by the sensation of Jamie’s breast rubbing against her bare shoulder.
Nudity: (all together now...) COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL!
Jamie grabbed four butter beers and did a chilling charm on them before handing one to Kim.
“Beer? I’m too young to drink beer,” Kim exclaimed, pushing the beer away.
“It’s not that kind of beer,” Jamie said reassuringly. “If it was, you wouldn’t find it in these quarters.
On the one hand, yes, they are a bit young to be drinking beer unsupervised. On the other, it really wouldn't be such a scandal for two grown adults to have beer in their quarters.
Try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
“One of those better be for me!” Caitlin yelled as she closed the door and started undressing.
So they were all undressing with the door open. Good going there.
Kim shook her head, “You guys are incredible. Every one of you has the same priority of taking your clothes off as soon as you get in the door. Is being nude all you think about?”
Hardly!” Jamie said with a laugh.
Then why is it all you ever talk about?
Kim nodded her head in understanding as Caitlin approached the group. Caitlin took one look at Kim and was ready to burst into tears.
Well, this is Hogwarts Exposed.
“Look at her! Why is life so unfair to me?” Caitlin cried. “She’s only eleven. I’d kill to have that body at fourteen. She has a waist, a nice butt, great legs and look at her chest.
You'd be forgiven for not remembering what with all the crap the author dumps on her, but we still have another Sue. Yay.
Whereas I have skinny legs, no butt and breasts that look like Hershey Kisses.”
Leaving aside the question of why a British witch would describe herself in terms of an American Muggle sweet (answer: lazy writing), are we supposed to take home the idea that Caitlin is insecure about her appearance? I think there's that very subtle implication in this. Not to mention the several other lines she has saying more or less the same thing.
Kim looked at Emily questioningly. “Is she serious? Does she actually think I’m built nice?”
“Haven’t you ever looked at yourself naked in a mirror?” Emily asked. “It was the first thing I noticed this morning, but I didn’t want to make you any more nervous by commenting.
And we only just find this out, because we didn't have access to her POV. Oh, wait.
“Kim, I’m sorry,” Caitlin said with sincerity.
I can't unhear the elcor-speak now.
Time passed quickly as the girls discussed boys, school, boys, the various houses, boys, the different professors, boys, Kim’s dilemma and finally boys.
What fascinating, well-rounded characters these girls are.
Although she would have been more comfortable fully dressed, Kim enjoyed the time spent with the girls. There were a lot of nice people at Hogwarts and she was sure she knew three of the nicest.
They're the only nice people she's met so far, considering that they're the only ones (including their supposedly saintly boyfriends!) who helped her on the train, and the rest of her dorm are either background scenery or "herp derp we iz evil slitheryn lol".
The girls were just discussing that it was about time that they got dressed and went down to dinner when the door opened. At first Kim wished she could become part of the sofa. She didn’t want Professor Granger to she her nude. But the person entering wasn’t Professor Granger. Kim wanted to die. It was Professor Potter and he was looking directly at her.
“The last time I counted there were only three of you,” Harry said with a smile. “Has the student population of nudists increased at Hogwarts?”
“I think we might call her the unintentional nudist,” Jamie said as she explained Kim’s plight to Harry.
She might have said it before she explained Kim's plight to Harry. She might have said it after, or even in the middle, but she sure as hell didn't say it as she said something else. Unless she's got two mouths. Oh yes, and chapter title drop ahoy!
Harry listened intently being careful to look mainly at Emily, Caitlin and Jamie so as to not make Kim any more nervous than she already was.
Instead deciding to make the girls he's supposed to be looking after nervous, if they had any sense.
“Friendship is the key,” he said as Jamie finished. “I never would have made it through school if I hadn’t had Ron and Hermione by my side.
Enjoy this rare acknowledgement that Ron is helpful and Hermione is more than a doormat, because we won't see it often.
The girls all laughed, even Kim. “He’s amazing,” Kim said to Emily as they dressed for dinner. “I wanted to die when he first walked in and saw me naked, but he put me so at ease that I was sorry when he left.”
“He’s great. You’ll love Hermione, too. She’s so very different outside the classroom.”
Not that we've seen much of what she's like inside the classroom to compare.
“We can always walk together,” Emily said emphatically. “And I’d like to see anyone mess with us. Especially after what you taught us today.”
“Just remember,” Jamie said. “You never go looking for a fight, but you should always be prepared if one comes looking for you.”
Which is why she couldn't hit the person who tried sexually assaulting her sister without going into a blind panic. Obviously.