Hemione's Talent Chapters 15-20
It's about this point that the story goes completely off the deep end and keeps on going.
By the time I got upstairs I was ready for bed, I was so tired. I wanted to shower though before I did go to bed so I put some music on, locked the doors, and started the shower. I turned on the radio and the song Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar came on so I started singing.
I'd wonder how she's got her Muggle radio working at Hogwarts, but I'm too busy being amazed that the author has heard of a song from 1979. Hell, 1999 would have been a shock. Shame that Chapter 15 consists entirely of this introduction, the song itself copy-pasted and the following piss-weak cliffhanger hook:
I turned the shower off, wrapt a towel around me, and walked into my room where someone was waiting for me.
This is the most description of anything we've seen in the fic so far.
"Holy shit Ron you scared me to death! What are you doing here and how did you get in?"
Wait, what? Just "Hey, what's going on?" Not "Fuck you, I fucking hate you, by the fucking way I now say 'fuck' every other fucking word even though I'm Hermione fucking Granger!" or anything like that?
"You know your portrait isn't very smart I just said I'm your boyfriend and it let me in.
Or, alternatively, because Ron is in Gryffindor he gave the password to the Fat Lady who let him in anyway.
Now back to the real reason I'm here. You humiliated me during the dance tonight, I really do hope your happy.
Her happy what?
By the way if I can't have you then neither can that ferret."
How very not at all clichéd.
I took off to the conjoined bathroom, to see what Ron had done to Draco while I was in the shower, but Ron was faster.
I'm pretty sure "conjoined" isn't the word you want here. Try "adjoining", perhaps. Also, this had better not be a retread of the bathroom scene from Dark Secrets.
He pulled out his wand and pointed it at me."
Though, unlike Dark Secrets, this author is at least remembering that they're wizards.
"Fuck you Ron!"
Fucking fuckety-fuck fuck!
"Imperturbable. (Cause things to be impenetrable by everything including sounds and objects.)
Thanks for that clarification. I don't know what the incantation for the Imperturbable Charm is but I'm positive it's not actually "Imperturbable", but whatever.
At the same time I had used wandless magic and made it so everything was writen down in the notebook next to my bed.
Not to disarm him or fight back or anything so straightforward as that, even though she easily could.
"Hermione, where are you?"
(Draco's point of view right now)
DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL
When I couldn't find Hermione in the common room or her bed room, I started to freak out. So I ran to the Gryffindor portrait and started yelling at the Fat Lady.
I don't know whose POV that first line was from with the author not telling us that it's Draco's in the second. Also, wouldn't Hermione's common room and bedroom be behind the Gryffindor portrait anyway?
"Let me in you stupid woman, I need to speak to Potter it's urgent. Hermione's gone missing and I need his help. Now let me in already."
"There is no need to be so rude young man!"
She finally slid open,
... and the author refuses to explain just how this happened. Did he manage to convince the Fat Lady somehow, or what?
"POTTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN HER NOW!"
How did he get a donkey up Gryffindor Tower? More to the point, having got a donkey up Gryffindor Tower, how will he get it down? With persuasion and a sharp stick?
"What do you want Malfoy? How did you get in here anyways?"
"That's not important,
"... because the author didn't bother to work it out!"
do you know where Hermione is? Cause she isn't anywhere in the Head Rooms.
Ah, the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters. I should have known that we'd have those. It's almost a contractual obligation for Draco/Hermione.
Potter left for a few seconds then came back down with a piece of paper.
"How the hell is that thing supposed to help us Potter?"
"Watch. I solemnly swear I am up to no good"
Harry believes Draco, just like that, and doesn't bother to verify what could quite easily be a cock-and-bull story about Hermione being missing before showing him the Marauder's Map.
We ran to Dumbledoors office said the password and ran up the steps only to be greated by Arthur and Molly Weasley and some other people.
That's straight out of My Immortal, specifically Chapter 7:
I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
I couldn't resist keeping the last line in. It's kind of relevant in that this author and Tara Gilesbie seem to have the same attitude to swearing, that Harry Potter would benefit from more of it because it's (cue '90s Kid voice) EXTREME! I don't think Hermione's Talent is intentionally influenced by My Immortal or that the author has even heard of it, which makes the similarities all the funnier.
"Ah Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy, I was wondering when you two would be coming up.
I'm guessing this is "Dumbledoor", but there's not a dialogue tag in sight.
Now like I was saying, I think Mr. Weasley is not going to hurt her, but I believe he will hurt anyone who tries to take Ms. Granger from him. I'm also pretty sure he is not alone with this. I believe he is working with Ms. Brown as well. The forest isn't safe for them, Death Eaters still roam the forest, waiting for someone to come into the forest. Now I'm not sure if Mr. Weasley or Ms. Brown will make a bargin with them but we still need to think that they might just to be safe.
Yes, because Dumbledore is immediately going to assume that Ron and Lavender are in league with the Death Eaters. Where is Lavender, anyway? Last we heard she was a Death Eater herself, but doesn't seem to be doing anything.
(In the forest)
"Ahh look what we have here, two of the Golden Trio. Where's Potter at?" asked Dolohov from behind the two
Just because we had an infodump about Death Eaters in the forest four lines ago doesn't mean this doesn't come out of absolutely nowhere.
"Listen I'm not friends with Potter anymore, he stood up for that stupid ferret Malfoy.
What's with that, anyway? Why on Earth would Harry side with Draco over Ron?
"Oh you two won't be going nowhere. Accio" Dolohov yelled and Ron and mine wands were in his hands
If Ron is kidnapping Hermione, why does she have her wand? For that matter, if she's got her wand then why did she write her secret message using wandless magic? For that matter, what happened to this secret message anyway? And if she can do wandless magic, why's she so completely helpless in this scene?
"And once he's dead, I'll have my way with you little girl. Just because you're a mudblood doesn't mean I won't rape you. It will surely upset your beloved Draco. Although I think I'll make this one watch before I kill him."
Oh, come on. Talent!Dolohov has to be the most lazily characterised villain I've ever seen. And I'm including the Great One of Hogwarts Exposed and the Dark Secrets, The Last War and ITWATN iterations of evil!Ron in that. He's just so one-dimensional. He's not even worthy of a twirly moustache; the author might as well not have bothered using a canon character and just called him "Rapeman" for all he brings to the story.
"Immobulus" Dolohov yelled and next thing I know he was ontop of me ripping my clothes off
But it was completely nonsexual. Hogwarts Exposed said so.
"Ugh get the fuck off of me you bastard!" I said while biting his lip when he tried to kiss me
Don't talk with your mouth full!
"I had a feeling you would do something like that guess you'll never learn will you stupid mudblood" "Crucio"
I started to scream thrashing up and down until he lifted the curse
What an amazingly evocative description of the worst pain a human being can endure.
"Now lets try this again" he said while he ript off my underwear
"Hope your not a virgin cause if you are I'm not going to be nice like your Draco would. I'm going to make sure you hurt for days."
"Hahaha, I'm so evil!" Anyway, he goes ahead with it. I'll snip the actual act for decency's sake because what the flying fuck, Hermione's Talent? No really, what? Why in this world or any other would anyone consider this to be a remotely appropriate plot development? You don't get to be all Hot Topic brand mock-edgy teen drama complete with kewl soundtrack and rapping Neville for seventeen chapters and then drop a completely unforeshadowed graphic rape scene on the reader, not even if the mock-edgy teen drama uses more F-words than I do. This is like Hogwarts Exposed, only instead of a relatively inoffensive first chapter before launching into the grimdark it's most of the story. Hogwarts Exposed is still worse because it's still three-quarters of a million words of undiluted literary sewage, but that's not the point.
"Oh we're not done yet sweetheart it's just time for your friend here to die. Avada Kadavra" he said green light flashed out of his wand and I look at Ron and there was no life left in his eyes.
Well, Ron's dead. And no reaction. Draco appears and Stupefies Dolohov, then punches him when he realises what he's done. Nice to know Hermione's Talent isn't above using the rape of its title character to motivate the male characters into action, isn't it? Oh, and Dolohov himself disappears into a plot hole. He probably escaped by turning to the side so they couldn't see him. They go back to the castle and Hermione is treated by Madam "Pumffry", but there's no real resolution because it leads straight into "Hermione's Talent part 2". All twenty-seven chapters of it.
By the time I got upstairs I was ready for bed, I was so tired. I wanted to shower though before I did go to bed so I put some music on, locked the doors, and started the shower. I turned on the radio and the song Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar came on so I started singing.
I'd wonder how she's got her Muggle radio working at Hogwarts, but I'm too busy being amazed that the author has heard of a song from 1979. Hell, 1999 would have been a shock. Shame that Chapter 15 consists entirely of this introduction, the song itself copy-pasted and the following piss-weak cliffhanger hook:
I turned the shower off, wrapt a towel around me, and walked into my room where someone was waiting for me.
This is the most description of anything we've seen in the fic so far.
"Holy shit Ron you scared me to death! What are you doing here and how did you get in?"
Wait, what? Just "Hey, what's going on?" Not "Fuck you, I fucking hate you, by the fucking way I now say 'fuck' every other fucking word even though I'm Hermione fucking Granger!" or anything like that?
"You know your portrait isn't very smart I just said I'm your boyfriend and it let me in.
Or, alternatively, because Ron is in Gryffindor he gave the password to the Fat Lady who let him in anyway.
Now back to the real reason I'm here. You humiliated me during the dance tonight, I really do hope your happy.
Her happy what?
By the way if I can't have you then neither can that ferret."
How very not at all clichéd.
I took off to the conjoined bathroom, to see what Ron had done to Draco while I was in the shower, but Ron was faster.
I'm pretty sure "conjoined" isn't the word you want here. Try "adjoining", perhaps. Also, this had better not be a retread of the bathroom scene from Dark Secrets.
He pulled out his wand and pointed it at me."
Though, unlike Dark Secrets, this author is at least remembering that they're wizards.
"Fuck you Ron!"
Fucking fuckety-fuck fuck!
"Imperturbable. (Cause things to be impenetrable by everything including sounds and objects.)
Thanks for that clarification. I don't know what the incantation for the Imperturbable Charm is but I'm positive it's not actually "Imperturbable", but whatever.
At the same time I had used wandless magic and made it so everything was writen down in the notebook next to my bed.
Not to disarm him or fight back or anything so straightforward as that, even though she easily could.
"Hermione, where are you?"
(Draco's point of view right now)
DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL
When I couldn't find Hermione in the common room or her bed room, I started to freak out. So I ran to the Gryffindor portrait and started yelling at the Fat Lady.
I don't know whose POV that first line was from with the author not telling us that it's Draco's in the second. Also, wouldn't Hermione's common room and bedroom be behind the Gryffindor portrait anyway?
"Let me in you stupid woman, I need to speak to Potter it's urgent. Hermione's gone missing and I need his help. Now let me in already."
"There is no need to be so rude young man!"
She finally slid open,
... and the author refuses to explain just how this happened. Did he manage to convince the Fat Lady somehow, or what?
"POTTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN HER NOW!"
How did he get a donkey up Gryffindor Tower? More to the point, having got a donkey up Gryffindor Tower, how will he get it down? With persuasion and a sharp stick?
"What do you want Malfoy? How did you get in here anyways?"
"That's not important,
"... because the author didn't bother to work it out!"
do you know where Hermione is? Cause she isn't anywhere in the Head Rooms.
Ah, the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters. I should have known that we'd have those. It's almost a contractual obligation for Draco/Hermione.
Potter left for a few seconds then came back down with a piece of paper.
"How the hell is that thing supposed to help us Potter?"
"Watch. I solemnly swear I am up to no good"
Harry believes Draco, just like that, and doesn't bother to verify what could quite easily be a cock-and-bull story about Hermione being missing before showing him the Marauder's Map.
We ran to Dumbledoors office said the password and ran up the steps only to be greated by Arthur and Molly Weasley and some other people.
That's straight out of My Immortal, specifically Chapter 7:
I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
I couldn't resist keeping the last line in. It's kind of relevant in that this author and Tara Gilesbie seem to have the same attitude to swearing, that Harry Potter would benefit from more of it because it's (cue '90s Kid voice) EXTREME! I don't think Hermione's Talent is intentionally influenced by My Immortal or that the author has even heard of it, which makes the similarities all the funnier.
"Ah Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy, I was wondering when you two would be coming up.
I'm guessing this is "Dumbledoor", but there's not a dialogue tag in sight.
Now like I was saying, I think Mr. Weasley is not going to hurt her, but I believe he will hurt anyone who tries to take Ms. Granger from him. I'm also pretty sure he is not alone with this. I believe he is working with Ms. Brown as well. The forest isn't safe for them, Death Eaters still roam the forest, waiting for someone to come into the forest. Now I'm not sure if Mr. Weasley or Ms. Brown will make a bargin with them but we still need to think that they might just to be safe.
Yes, because Dumbledore is immediately going to assume that Ron and Lavender are in league with the Death Eaters. Where is Lavender, anyway? Last we heard she was a Death Eater herself, but doesn't seem to be doing anything.
(In the forest)
"Ahh look what we have here, two of the Golden Trio. Where's Potter at?" asked Dolohov from behind the two
Just because we had an infodump about Death Eaters in the forest four lines ago doesn't mean this doesn't come out of absolutely nowhere.
"Listen I'm not friends with Potter anymore, he stood up for that stupid ferret Malfoy.
What's with that, anyway? Why on Earth would Harry side with Draco over Ron?
"Oh you two won't be going nowhere. Accio" Dolohov yelled and Ron and mine wands were in his hands
If Ron is kidnapping Hermione, why does she have her wand? For that matter, if she's got her wand then why did she write her secret message using wandless magic? For that matter, what happened to this secret message anyway? And if she can do wandless magic, why's she so completely helpless in this scene?
"And once he's dead, I'll have my way with you little girl. Just because you're a mudblood doesn't mean I won't rape you. It will surely upset your beloved Draco. Although I think I'll make this one watch before I kill him."
Oh, come on. Talent!Dolohov has to be the most lazily characterised villain I've ever seen. And I'm including the Great One of Hogwarts Exposed and the Dark Secrets, The Last War and ITWATN iterations of evil!Ron in that. He's just so one-dimensional. He's not even worthy of a twirly moustache; the author might as well not have bothered using a canon character and just called him "Rapeman" for all he brings to the story.
"Immobulus" Dolohov yelled and next thing I know he was ontop of me ripping my clothes off
But it was completely nonsexual. Hogwarts Exposed said so.
"Ugh get the fuck off of me you bastard!" I said while biting his lip when he tried to kiss me
Don't talk with your mouth full!
"I had a feeling you would do something like that guess you'll never learn will you stupid mudblood" "Crucio"
I started to scream thrashing up and down until he lifted the curse
What an amazingly evocative description of the worst pain a human being can endure.
"Now lets try this again" he said while he ript off my underwear
"Hope your not a virgin cause if you are I'm not going to be nice like your Draco would. I'm going to make sure you hurt for days."
"Hahaha, I'm so evil!" Anyway, he goes ahead with it. I'll snip the actual act for decency's sake because what the flying fuck, Hermione's Talent? No really, what? Why in this world or any other would anyone consider this to be a remotely appropriate plot development? You don't get to be all Hot Topic brand mock-edgy teen drama complete with kewl soundtrack and rapping Neville for seventeen chapters and then drop a completely unforeshadowed graphic rape scene on the reader, not even if the mock-edgy teen drama uses more F-words than I do. This is like Hogwarts Exposed, only instead of a relatively inoffensive first chapter before launching into the grimdark it's most of the story. Hogwarts Exposed is still worse because it's still three-quarters of a million words of undiluted literary sewage, but that's not the point.
"Oh we're not done yet sweetheart it's just time for your friend here to die. Avada Kadavra" he said green light flashed out of his wand and I look at Ron and there was no life left in his eyes.
Well, Ron's dead. And no reaction. Draco appears and Stupefies Dolohov, then punches him when he realises what he's done. Nice to know Hermione's Talent isn't above using the rape of its title character to motivate the male characters into action, isn't it? Oh, and Dolohov himself disappears into a plot hole. He probably escaped by turning to the side so they couldn't see him. They go back to the castle and Hermione is treated by Madam "Pumffry", but there's no real resolution because it leads straight into "Hermione's Talent part 2". All twenty-seven chapters of it.