Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapters 11 (part 3) and 12
It can be effective to place a chapter break in the middle of the scene ("It wasn't even Voldemort.") but when you do it every time there's something going on it gets very old very fast. Now doing it for the verdict of the hearing, the culmination of a multi-chapter arc, could theoretically have worked. However, we'll soon see that not only didn't it, but Chapter 12 itself ends in exactly the same way.
Samantha Bowman was chipping away at Draco’s testimony, and Bullchip decided it was best to remove her from the stand before she did any more damage. “No further questions,” Ebenezer said cantankerously.
Now the adverb "cantankerously" doesn't make me think of the hotshot lawyer and worthy antagonist we're told Bullchip is supposed to be. It makes me think of Victor Meldrew.
As Sam was about to leave the stand, Judge Jones stopped her. “If you would Ms Bowman, I’d like to ask you a few questions. I notice you have one more envelope in your possession. Does it contain information pertaining to this case?”
"No, it's just my collection of Harry Potter slash."
In fact, it turns out to be evidence that she traumatised the Diggorys by accusing their long-deceased son of impregnating her. Because of all the characters Draco could have posed as when giving his false name, he chose a high-profile murder victim. Apart from anything else, Sam was presented as an expert in the books Harry's life story when we first met her; surely she'd have recognised Cedric's name when Draco gave it.
Sam broke into uncontrollable tears, but she had held out long enough to present her case.
Not an inappropriate moment for this to happen, but there's still no impact when people burst into tears as often as they do in Hogwarts Exposed. Finally, it's Tonks' turn to go to the witness box, which is still stubbornly being referred to as the "stand" because Ian the Britpicker scarpered after the first chapter of the first fic. Not that I blame him.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes when a very attractive brunette with wavy shoulder length hair stood up and approached the witness stand. She was impeccably dressed and every eye in the courtroom was on her.
“Is that really Tonks?” Harry asked Hermione in amazement.
The Metamorphmagus can alter her appearance? Who'd have thought? And still Harry and Hermione are jibber-jabbering away. I'd think the public attention had gone to their heads, but they were acting like this before the Prophet article was even published. The Harry and Hermione we know from canon would be horrified at the idea that their personal lives were taking over someone else's custody hearing, whereas this dreadful duo might claim to be but the way they keep trying to grab the reader's attention shows otherwise.
“I understand you prefer to be referred to by your surname only,” Seamus asked.
“So would you if your fool of a mother had called you ‘Nymphadora,’” muttered Tonks.
We already recycled this canon joke back when Caitlin was retconning Tonks into her backstory in Chapter 4, if you recall.
“Tonks, what leads you to believe that the charges of child abuse were unfounded,” questioned Seamus.
“Because the original orders to pick up the child were issued Monday, but we were instructed not to carry them out until Friday. If serious child endangerment were suspected, we would not have deferred. Also, Sergeant Anders was scheduled off on Friday, but reported just for that case. That’s highly irregular.”
Good grief, these villains are incompetent. Let's disguise our kidnapping attempt as a child protection raid, but then delay carrying it out as urgently as that would imply. And let's have our goon do it on the day he's got scheduled leave. And the Covenant of Three who defeated fucking Voldemort are supposed to be scared of these idiots. And no, Sergeant Anders of the Puppy-Punting Patrol never gets another appearance. This is all we see of him.
Judge Jones gave the impression of being extremely alarmed by Tonk’s testimony.
She was most alarmed that this mysterious "Tonk" had burst in from nowhere and started giving testimony.
Ebenezer Bullchip seemed to be squirming in his seat.
I'm starting to feel sorry for Bullchip, for all he's a bigoted, unprofessional, pretentious wanker. It's been heavily implied (intentionally or otherwise) that his own client has been screwing him over, it's clear that all his witnesses are completely useless and he's so obviously incapable of living up to his own reputation. Anyway, Tonks tells the court about the raid and Judge Ebony calls a thirty-minute recess so she can listen to her iPod.
“All rise.”
Sam stood, petrified as the judge enter the courtroom. This was it. In a few minutes, she would know whether her future would be one of happiness or one of despair. The testimony today had appeared to go rather well, but there was no reading Judge Ebony Jones’ face. Had she seen through the lies and bigotry, or was she blind to the truth and as prejudice as most of wizardkind seemed to be?
I hate the trope of the entire wizarding world being rotten to the core, because it's so often used as a cheap device for grimdarking the Potterverse for no good reason. Apart from anything else, it renders all of Harry's efforts to defeat Voldemort pointless if it turns out that the world wasn't worth saving in the first place.
“I take the welfare of children extremely serious,” Judge Jones began.
So seriously she can't even be arsed to use proper grammar. That doesn't bode well at all. Though given who she shares a name with, I suppose we should be grateful that she's not delivering her summation in textspeak.
“The human offspring is the frailest of all creatures and requires the nurturing of caring parents well into their teens. Sometimes, even the most loving parent can unwitting create a volatile situation that puts their child at peril.”
Are we talking about werewolves or nudists here? Because I don't think it was Ron's lycanthropy that turned Timmy into the creepiest toddler ever.
Sam hung her head and closed her eyes, fearing her worst nightmare was about to come true.
She would indeed have to read Hogwarts Exposed.
“All rise.” A solemn voice commanded.
Sam stood petrified as the judge entered the courtroom. This was it. In a few minutes, she would know whether her future would be one of happiness or one of despair. The testimony today had appeared to go rather well, but there was no reading Judge Ebony Jones’ face. Had she seen through the lies and bigotry, or was she blind to the truth and as prejudiced as most of the wizarding world seemed to be?
“I take the welfare of children extremely serious,” Judge Jones began. “The human offspring is the frailest of all creatures and requires the nurturing of caring parents well into their teens. Sometimes even the most loving parent can unwitting create a volatile situation that puts their child at peril.”
Sam hung her head and closed her eyes, fearing her worst nightmare about to come true.
Yes, the opening of Chapter 12 is identical to the end of Chapter 11, aside from one misformatted dialogue tag that barely seems worth it.
“For this reason it is imperative that a judge listens closely to all testimony and takes into consideration all evidence,” Judge Jones said passionately. “I personally prefer to go a step further in my hunt for the truth. I like to talk to the child, if they are old enough to carry on a meaningful conversation. This morning I spent an enchanting two hours with young Timothy. You would be amazed at the fountain of information that spews from a three-year old when they are encouraged to speak.
We're told about this scene rather than shown it, but given how the author renders Timmy's dialogue it's a probably unintentional act of mercy.
“Miss Bowman, I’m pleased with the job you’ve done up to now raising your son. I especially like the fact that you have taken such an open and honest approach, dealing with things such as his paternity. It is evident Timmy loves Mr. Weasley very much; he constantly refers to him as daddy, but Timmy is also aware that he is not his real father.
It's just as well he didn't tell Judge Ebony all he knows about thingies and you-know-whats. Anyway, she delivers the rest of her summation, which marks the first time a multi-paragraph monologue in Hogwarts Exposed has a valid reason to exist.
“Mr. Malfoy, I applaud a man who, when finding out he is a father, steps forward to take responsibility. I, however, question the methods you have stooped to use in your effort to gain custody. As I said the first day of this hearing, I am only impressed with honest testimony and undisputed evidence. I question the truthfulness of your testimony when compared to the evidence presented by the defense.
“I find it difficult to believe that a young lady, who had maintained her virginity throughout university, overnight turned to a life of prostitution, and since you obviously presented her with a false name, I tend to consider the balance of your story to be just as false.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 34 (I missed one in Chapter 11; mea culpa.)
I would have thought much better of you had you simply told the truth. You would not have been the first man that lied to a girl in order to get her into bed.
It wouldn't exactly have made him out to be the pillar of the community he wanted to be seen as, but then neither does getting a bunch of incompetent puppy-punters to make off with his kid.
“Unfortunately, at this point, our hearing seemed to lose its focus
Rather like the fic.
and, instead of concentrating on the child, took on the appearance of a muggle witch-hunt. I’m appalled that wizardkind seems hell bent on punishing two of our greatest heroes simply because they enjoy nude recreation. I was always raised to judge a person by their actions and how they treated others, not how they dress or, in this case, don’t dress.
And if not for the creepy hypersexualisation of nudity and nudists (including underage ones) even when protesting it to be completely nonsexual, I'd be inclined to agree.
“For that reason, among others, I declare that Timothy Bowman will remain in the custody of Samantha Bowman.”
Upon which Bullchip shouted, "I don't believe it!"
The judge glanced in the direction of Sam and Ron, who had wasted no time entering into an embrace. “Professor Granger, will you please meet with me in my chambers.”
Hermione looked at Harry questioningly as Timmy was brought into the courtroom and immediately ran to the open arms of his mother. “I wonder why she wants to talk to me,” Hermione said worryingly.
"Worryingly" doesn't mean expressing worry; it means causing worry. Causing worry to whom is unclear because I've long since lost track of the POV.
“Probably wants to give you a warning about using the floo network when you’re starkers,” Harry said kiddingly.
"Kiddingly" is one of those words that doesn't look like it should exist but apparently does. This doesn't change the fact that it's utterly redundant, because even a Hogwarts Exposed villain could figure out that Harry doesn't actually think Hermione is about to get cautioned for nude Floo usage.
Sam approached Malfoy and timidly said, “Draco, I’d like you to meet someone.”
Draco turned abruptly ready to swear, but found he was looking in a mirror, a mirror that reflected an image of a three-year-old Draco Malfoy.
Judge Ebony promptly had the Mirror of Ytidun confiscated for being so obviously evil. And probably a prep, too. Rather like Deserving and its spontaneously combusting magical contracts, here we have a metaphor that at first glance is ambiguous as to whether it's meant literally or not, because it's nearly identical in description to an established plot device.
“Malfoy,” Ron said, seeming to be struggling to force the words out. “Sam and I take Timmy to the park at the end of Hogsmeade every Saturday about noon. If you’d like, you can join us this week.”
Draco stared at Ron in disbelief. “I might just do that,” he said, nodding his head. He turned to Sam. “You’ve done a good job.” Quickly he turned away hoping no one had noticed the unmanly tear in his eye.
Clearly Draco isn't capable of these. It's kind of possibly in character for him to act this way, especially when we consider how he reacts to Harry finding him in that state in Half-Blood Prince (after HTE was written).
Draco ushered Ginny to the doors of the courtroom as Sam and Ron watched.
“It’s all right Draco,” Ginny said reassuringly. “We’ll have children of our own as soon as we’re married.”
“Yes,” Draco agreed.
Yay redundancy!
“But there’s hardly any reason to rush that now any more, is there?”
Ginny looked at Draco as if he had just ripped her heart from her chest and smashed it on the floor.
Oh dear. So much for happy endings.
“You two are amazing,” Harry said, as he and Tonks approached Sam and Ron. “I doubt I could have been that gracious.”
“Don’t look at me, mate,” Ron said defensively. “It was all her doing. Sam had a knife to my back and was threatening to take away all my treats.”
“Daddy likes his treats even more than I do.” Timmy said innocently.
“I somehow get the feeling Timmy and Ron are taking about two very different type of treats.” Tonks said with a laugh.
Sam blushed, “Quite different.”
An in-character Ron probably would be thinking of the same type of treat, because he certainly appreciates his sweets and other food in canon. But no, every damn thing ever has to be about sex. Unless it involves nudity, which is completely nonsexual.
“Well, at least your not in handcuffs,” Harry joked.
The only joke here is that an adult doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're".
“You wouldn’t believe the difference,” Hermione said, excitedly, “When she takes those robes off it’s like she transforms into a different woman.
Don't tell me Judge Ebony is also a naturist.
I could have talked to her for hours.”
She even invited her to an MCR concert.
“Well, actually three things,” Hermione said. “She wanted to assure me that you and I would not receive any problem from the court system concerning any of the girls and the nudist issue. Ebony thinks it’s ridiculous how it is being blown out of proportion.”
So the author doesn't have to write any more courtroom shenanigans, which with how this case was written is probably just as well. Instead they can focus on the directors, who for some reason are back to being the governors (as in canon) next chapter.
“Ebony?” Sam said questioningly. “You’re now on a first name basis with the judge?”
“Yes, she even offered me a job if Hogwarts gives me the boot,” Hermione said, trying to sound upbeat.
Because seeing her give a few minutes' worth of testimony in one hearing is all Judge Ebony needs to know that this person with no training or experience would be an asset to the legal profession.
Hermione looked sheepishly at Sam and Ron. “Ebony says it’s been a long time since she’s performed a marriage ceremony.
Ron and Sam just looked at each other, speechless.
“But here, now!” Sam said, both loathing and loving the idea. “But we don’t have rings or a license.”
“I have the rings,” Ron said, hopefully. “I don’t go anywhere without them.”
He carries the rings everywhere just in case a friendly goffick judge just happens to offer to perform the marriage ceremony.
Sam looked desperately at Ron. Just ask me! Just ask me! She kept saying to herself.
Of course it doesn't occur to her that she could ask him herself. Now this isn't quite as cringeworthy as it not occurring to Hermione because there's absolutely no reason that it shouldn't given Hermione's canon characterisation, but it's still distracting.
Ebony Jones stood at the door to her cambers watching, confident that she had made the right decision.
And the scene just ends there, with the wedding - as good a dénouement to the custody battle subplot as we were ever going to get - happening off-screen. As I've said before, it's amazing how Hogwarts Exposed manages to be as (over)long as it is with so many scenes completely missing.
“How soon do you think they’ll need us to leave the castle,” Hermione asked glumly as she and Harry trudged their way to Headmaster Snape’s office.
They hadn’t even unpacked yet. The message they had received was to report to the Headmaster’s office immediately upon their return to Hogwarts and that is what they were doing.
It's HE!Snape. What's he going to do, simper them to death?
“You’re certainly the eternal optimist, aren’t you?” Harry questioned, although he too felt like he was taking that last walk that ended with the dementor’s Kiss.
Upon which the Dementor exploded and sent them back in time.
“I consider myself neither pessimistic nor optimistic, but rather realistic,” Hermione said as they reached the spiral staircase and just stood there looking up. “You’re acquainted with the Board of Directors. Do you seriously think we stand a chance? We were on the front page of the Daily Prophet totally nude, not exactly proper conduct for Hogwarts Professors, and I extremely doubt that Playwizard Magazine is going to superimpose any black bars over my features in their publication.”
That's what she thinks, but they've recently taken up a lucrative sponsorship deal with the Censorship Box Company of Albania.
“No, I doubt they will,” Harry said gloomily. “I wonder what type of photos we can expect?”
I think the advert made that all too clear.
“No, but we have a good idea of when the charm was removed and….” Hermione hesitated a moment and then started fresh. “That morning when I came down to the pool to wait for you, there was no one about except for the girls and a few of their friends, frolicking at the far end of the pool. I knew you’d be along shortly so I just straddled a chaise lounge and watched the girls fool around for a time.
A chaise longue. From the French, literally "long chair". Then again, the fact that the author thinks that speaking French is such an esoteric skill that even Hermione is impressed when someone does it is consistent with the fact that he fucks up simple loanwords.
To Hermione’s great surprise, Harry seemed nonplused at her revelation. “It’s just another part of your body, Love, and, I might add, just as beautiful as the balance of you.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 35
Hermione looked at Harry in disbelief. “You’re starting to sound like the girls.”
“Only because they’re
... Mary Sues, and everyone's contractually obliged to agree with them.
Hermione just shook her head. “To you and the girls maybe, even possibly to other nudists, but I doubt many that buy the magazine will think of innocence and purity when they scan the pictures. They will forever more think of me as a slag.”
I'm not sure it's a word Hermione would use (in fact, I'm fairly sure she wouldn't) but "slag" isn't strictly wrong in this context.
Harry was at a loss for words. His wife was in no way a slag, but she was right. A huge percentage of the wizard world would soon regard her as such, once those pictures were published.
Why would they even care? Now if they knew she had ephebophilic thoughts about Jamie, which is indeed the case (Exposed chapters 12 and 22 and Too Exposed chapter 2 and later on in this one), then that would be another matter.
Harry was about to knock, when the large doors of the headmaster’s office swung open and Professor Snape beckoned them to enter.
“The hearing went well, I understand,” Snape said, evidently already aware of most of the details. “And Mr. Weasley is to be congratulated on his marriage.”
“Yes,” said Hermione, wondering how Snape had become so well informed so quickly.
He's Snape. He's the Headmaster of Hogwarts and an accomplished Legilimens. Knowing things is something he does.
“Please, have a seat and I will bring you up to date on occurrences here at the castle,” Snape said.
Hermione and Harry nervously took seats, both wishing that Severus would skip the small talk and get to the point of this meeting.
So is he Snape or Severus? Yet again, make your mind up.
“I was extremely impressed with Jamie Zacherley’s performance as a substitute Professor. It is my understanding that she intends to train as an Auror, after her time at Hogwarts is complete. She might want to reconsider; the young lady has a talent for teaching.”
Hermione and Harry exchanged glances, pride evident on both their faces.
Severus’ expression abruptly took a more somber quality.
Okay, whose POV is this if we can see all three of their faces? Anyway, the upshot of this scene is that the directors/governors didn't sack Harry and Hermione because of all the parents threatening to send their kids to Beauxbatons or Durmstrang if they left. They're still going to kick her out once Playwizard is released, so apparently the threat of half the school leaving only goes so far.
“Damien, isn’t the news wonderful,” The Great One said, excitedly as she entered her hidden headquarters.
So well hidden that we're not even told what it looks like.
“I thought it would have distressed you,” Damien said, looking rather confused.
“Upset me! Impossible! The news my spy brought me is wonderful,” Emma Wrong said happily, lifting the crystal glass of white wine, which sat upon the table in the centre of the room.
“Oh! Then you haven’t talked with Madam Hooch,” Damien said nervously, realizing that he would now be the one to break the bad news.
“No, I haven’t,” Emma Wrong answered; coming to the conclusion that Hooch was plainly looking for her in order to give her some disappointing information.
“Evidently, we are not talking about the same news,” Damien said, now trembling.
“Obviously not,” the Great One said, her mood now changed to one of anger.
“Perhaps you’d care to share you’re positive information before I tell you of our disappointing find.” Damien said as he tried unsuccessfully to blend in with the furniture. It was at times like these, that Damien wished he had paid more attention when Disillusionment Charms were taught.
Wrong is such a terrible excuse for a villain that I have trouble taking her seriously. There are so many interesting things the author could have done with a Minister for Magic who's secretly evil, and yet here we have the most generic of generic villains. Even what little we see of her motivation is just ripped off from Voldemort's line on blood purity and Slytherin's legacy.
“Very well,” Emma Wrong said begrudgingly. “Good news first. As you are aware the custody case concluded today, and not surprisingly, the Weasel and his bitch won.
And even she thinks Draco's scheme was stupid and doomed to failure.
Truthfully, I could not give a damn who has custody of the little bastard, as long as they keep him healthy until the time of his sacrifice.
"Mwahahaha, I'm so evil!"
I was more interested in hearing the private conversation after the hearing, so I had Crabbe hide in the courtroom under an invisibility cloak. Mind you that was no easy matter, considering his considerable bulk.
Because when it comes to stealth and subtlety, who better to send than Vincent Crabbe? At least there weren't any house-elves in the vicinity. Still, the throwaway reference to Wrong being there in court prevents this from being totally pulled out of nowhere.
“The important thing is that we’re closer to our goal. We will soon have the second heir.” The Great One smiled triumphantly.
“Excuse me,” Damien said meekly. “That’s what Hooch and I wanted to speak to you about.”
“Have you discovered the identity of the healer and the seer?” Wrong asked excitedly.
“Not exactly,” Damien, shilly-shallied. “It’s Draco Malfoy.” Damien gulped hard. “His ancestral link to Lord Slytherin is a sham.”
“What?” The Great One shrieked.
“It seems his father paid to have numerous documents altered in order to gain favor with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Yes, because Voldemort would be so thrilled to have another Heir of Slytherin knocking about. I don't think.
Malfoy is no more the heir to Slytherin than I am.”
Considering that a large chunk of the plot of Chamber of Secrets concerned itself with Harry finding out that Draco isn't the Heir of Slytherin, I've no idea what's going on here.
“Damn!” the Great One vented, throwing the glass across the room barely missing Damien. “Just when I thought we were making progress. And I was so looking forward to seeing Weasley and his tart cry over the body.
"Have I mentioned that I'm evil?" Anyway, we return to Hogwarts.
“Do you think they’ll be allowed to continue teaching?” Caitlin asked as Emily, Jamie and she headed for the staff quarters.
“The fact that they were at the head table for dinner is a good sign,” Jamie answered encouragingly.
Yes, apparently Harry and Hermione never actually bothered to meet the girls when they arrived, or they'd have given them the good news already. Parents of the year, amirite?
“I think the whole subject is ludicrous,” Emily added angrily. “Everybody knows they’re the two most excellent teachers Hogwarts has.”
“People just don’t understand naturism,” Jamie said, dejectedly.
“Yeah! And it’s easier to discriminate against something you don’t understand rather than take the time to learn about it,” Emily said, her voice echoing her frustration.
Once they reached the quarters, Caitlin went to open the door and then paused. “What do we do once we get inside?” she asked.
“What to you mean?” Jamie questioned.
“Well, normally I’d strip out of my garments,” Caitlin said, confused. “But under the circumstances, maybe we should stay dressed.”
Their dialogue is no more convincing than it's ever been.
Emily looked aghast. “You’re not serious? All day long, people have been taunting me about being a nudist. I’ve been so looking forward to getting up here and relaxing. Now you want me to keep these on,” she said, looking disgustingly at her clothes.
”Stop thinking about yourself and think of Hermione and Harry, especially Hermione.” Jamie said, irritably.
Says you? Right from the very beginning Jamie has been of the opinion that if anyone else has a problem with nudity then it's their problem, and if Emily has picked up that idea then it's hardly going to be anyone else's fault.
“I know you’re right, but being nude makes me think of that photographer and what pictures he might have taken,” Hermione said, depressed.
More even than usual, you can't just tell us that a character is depressed. That's something that has to be shown. As the author does, probably unintentionally, with Jamie's behaviour a few chapters ago.
“I’m not embarrassed any more to be seen nude, but that magazine has a tendency to print rather extreme close-ups. I’m not looking forward to people asking me to autograph a picture of my most intimate parts.”
“No one would ever do that,” Harry said.
“No,” Hermione said, trying to be more realistic. “I doubt any one would be so crass to ask that, but that doesn’t mean the magazine won’t print it. They’re known for their crude pictures.”
She seems to know an awful lot about this magazine, doesn't she? And yet she doesn't know that Luna is the editor. (No, honestly not kidding there.)
Harry nodded his head. “What do you mean by ‘for the time being’?” Emily asked concernedly.
Hermione gazed in the direction of her youngest daughter. “It means that in all probability, Harry’s job is secure, but when the December issue of Playwizard is distributed, I’ll be sacked.”
All three girls looked in Hermione’s direction and as one cried, “No!”
She hadn’t closed the door and Harry was rather taken aback when he reached the threshold. Emily had literally thrown herself on the bed and was stretched out with her head buried in the bed pillow.
LITERALLY COUNT: 28
In her present position, the short skirt she wore was incapable of covering all it was in theory designed to cover up. Harry turned his head to leave and then realized how silly he was being. He wasn’t seeing anything he hadn’t seen a thousand times before; it just seemed wrong because she was dressed instead of nude.
And this is more important than, you know, the fact that she's upset that her mother will lose her job. I hate this fic. They go for a nude swim in the Room of Requirement, because when the governors have you under scrutiny it's a great idea to cavort naked with students on school premises.
“Then you think Mum will be fired?” Emily asked forlornly.
“Unfortunately, I don’t see any way around it,” Jamie responded. “The Board of Directors would fire her even if the pictures were tastefully shot and only of her topless. I’ve seen a few copies of that magazine, and I’m sure the pictures will be anything but refined.”
“Then in your view, there will probably be close ups of her twat?” Emily asked.
“That’s not a word I like to hear you use,” Jamie said, admonishingly.
Come on, she's sixteen and hardly sheltered. She's not going to be shocked at a fairly middling swearword even uttered by her younger sister. The problem is more that using the word in its literal sense isn't as common (at least not where I live, but regional variation is always a thing) as the author seems to think. YMMV because I was Emily's age in 1995 and the fic is set in 2004, but "fanny" or "minge" would probably be more authentic.
“but that’s exactly what I expect. Since we never saw anyone, I’m sure most of the photos were taken with a telephoto lens and most likely when Hermione was in an awkwardly exposed position.”
A too exposed position!
“Is that legal?” Caitlin inquired.
“Yes, we were in a public setting and it was our choice to be nude.” Jamie explained.
That really doesn't make taking pictures without consent okay.
The girls parted, Emily heading for the dungeons and Slytherin House, Caitlin and Jamie to Gryffindor Tower. They all had an empty feeling.
Where their brains should be.
“That was fun,” Hermione said two hours later as Harry held her in his arms. “but you and the girls have a tendency to get rather rough. I have scratch marks all over my body.”
“At least your reproductive system can’t be used as a lifeline,” Harry said.
“Not, hardly!” Hermione said, stunned by Harry’s comment. “What happened?”
“It was when Emily and Jamie were swinging Caitlin back and forth, holding her hands and feet. They ended up sort of tossing her at me. Caitlin kind of panicked as she went under water and just grabbed anything she could to hold onto.”
“And the something was your penis?” Hermione said dazed.
“Obviously, it was an accident; she simply questioned if she had hurt me. It’s not just talk with the girls; the three of them actually don’t think it’s a big deal to touch or be touched anywhere when it’s not sexual.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9Cz0oEUEIs#t=04m56s
“Harry, how do you do it?” Hermione asked.
“How do I do what?” he asked
“How do you avoid being excited when you are around the girls? I would think that just seeing Jamie naked would cause you to have a reaction; she’s so beautiful. How can you control yourself around them?” she asked
“It’s a case of mind over matter. I pretend they’re someone else.”
The fact that Hermione assumes that Harry should have that reaction and Harry admits that he has to fight it should be a red flag to get this pair of perverts away from all children at all costs. Nudity: completely nonsexual!
Friday, October 23, 2004
He had waited outside in the hall for her to leave the common room; finally at last, she was alone. Why was she avoiding him? He felt they had a wonderful relationship and thought she sensed the same. Yet ever since they had been intimate, things seemed different. She had agreed and actually seemed to be just as eager as him, but now she gave the impression of being so distant. She appeared to circumvent being alone with him, even avoided talking to him whenever possible.
The boy remained out of sight as he followed her down steep staircases and through long corridors. Finally, he saw her enter the library. He was about to corner her; finally they would talk. At last he would learn why she was steering clear of him.
As he reached the library entrance and gazed about the huge room; it appeared empty. She was no place to be seen. Slowly he walked past row and row of books.
At long last, there she was in the medical section nervously reading a book. When he spoke her name, the girl’s face flushed and she clutched the open book to her chest. He gazed at her questioningly as he took the book in his hand and read the chapter heading, Pregnancy: The First Stages.
He looked at her, a combination of shock and fear covering his face.
She broke into tears. “But they don’t tell you how to stop it!” she said in panic.
Apart from the 100% effective and hassle-free magical contraception that's already been established as part of the Hogwarts Exposed universe, of course. The existence of that makes this entire subplot into a giant idiot plot. And yes, "who are these characters" is the stupidest kind of cliffhanger and yet here we have it again.
Before we go, and yay for the halfway point, this chapter has an alternate scene. I was going to spork it, but it consists simply of a scene from the main chapter altered by having Hermione giving Harry a very blandly described blow job as they talk. Which scene, I hear you ask? The one in which they discuss their ephebophilic attraction to their adopted offspring, of course. I hate this fic.
Samantha Bowman was chipping away at Draco’s testimony, and Bullchip decided it was best to remove her from the stand before she did any more damage. “No further questions,” Ebenezer said cantankerously.
Now the adverb "cantankerously" doesn't make me think of the hotshot lawyer and worthy antagonist we're told Bullchip is supposed to be. It makes me think of Victor Meldrew.
As Sam was about to leave the stand, Judge Jones stopped her. “If you would Ms Bowman, I’d like to ask you a few questions. I notice you have one more envelope in your possession. Does it contain information pertaining to this case?”
"No, it's just my collection of Harry Potter slash."
In fact, it turns out to be evidence that she traumatised the Diggorys by accusing their long-deceased son of impregnating her. Because of all the characters Draco could have posed as when giving his false name, he chose a high-profile murder victim. Apart from anything else, Sam was presented as an expert in the books Harry's life story when we first met her; surely she'd have recognised Cedric's name when Draco gave it.
Sam broke into uncontrollable tears, but she had held out long enough to present her case.
Not an inappropriate moment for this to happen, but there's still no impact when people burst into tears as often as they do in Hogwarts Exposed. Finally, it's Tonks' turn to go to the witness box, which is still stubbornly being referred to as the "stand" because Ian the Britpicker scarpered after the first chapter of the first fic. Not that I blame him.
Harry couldn’t believe his eyes when a very attractive brunette with wavy shoulder length hair stood up and approached the witness stand. She was impeccably dressed and every eye in the courtroom was on her.
“Is that really Tonks?” Harry asked Hermione in amazement.
The Metamorphmagus can alter her appearance? Who'd have thought? And still Harry and Hermione are jibber-jabbering away. I'd think the public attention had gone to their heads, but they were acting like this before the Prophet article was even published. The Harry and Hermione we know from canon would be horrified at the idea that their personal lives were taking over someone else's custody hearing, whereas this dreadful duo might claim to be but the way they keep trying to grab the reader's attention shows otherwise.
“I understand you prefer to be referred to by your surname only,” Seamus asked.
“So would you if your fool of a mother had called you ‘Nymphadora,’” muttered Tonks.
We already recycled this canon joke back when Caitlin was retconning Tonks into her backstory in Chapter 4, if you recall.
“Tonks, what leads you to believe that the charges of child abuse were unfounded,” questioned Seamus.
“Because the original orders to pick up the child were issued Monday, but we were instructed not to carry them out until Friday. If serious child endangerment were suspected, we would not have deferred. Also, Sergeant Anders was scheduled off on Friday, but reported just for that case. That’s highly irregular.”
Good grief, these villains are incompetent. Let's disguise our kidnapping attempt as a child protection raid, but then delay carrying it out as urgently as that would imply. And let's have our goon do it on the day he's got scheduled leave. And the Covenant of Three who defeated fucking Voldemort are supposed to be scared of these idiots. And no, Sergeant Anders of the Puppy-Punting Patrol never gets another appearance. This is all we see of him.
Judge Jones gave the impression of being extremely alarmed by Tonk’s testimony.
She was most alarmed that this mysterious "Tonk" had burst in from nowhere and started giving testimony.
Ebenezer Bullchip seemed to be squirming in his seat.
I'm starting to feel sorry for Bullchip, for all he's a bigoted, unprofessional, pretentious wanker. It's been heavily implied (intentionally or otherwise) that his own client has been screwing him over, it's clear that all his witnesses are completely useless and he's so obviously incapable of living up to his own reputation. Anyway, Tonks tells the court about the raid and Judge Ebony calls a thirty-minute recess so she can listen to her iPod.
“All rise.”
Sam stood, petrified as the judge enter the courtroom. This was it. In a few minutes, she would know whether her future would be one of happiness or one of despair. The testimony today had appeared to go rather well, but there was no reading Judge Ebony Jones’ face. Had she seen through the lies and bigotry, or was she blind to the truth and as prejudice as most of wizardkind seemed to be?
I hate the trope of the entire wizarding world being rotten to the core, because it's so often used as a cheap device for grimdarking the Potterverse for no good reason. Apart from anything else, it renders all of Harry's efforts to defeat Voldemort pointless if it turns out that the world wasn't worth saving in the first place.
“I take the welfare of children extremely serious,” Judge Jones began.
So seriously she can't even be arsed to use proper grammar. That doesn't bode well at all. Though given who she shares a name with, I suppose we should be grateful that she's not delivering her summation in textspeak.
“The human offspring is the frailest of all creatures and requires the nurturing of caring parents well into their teens. Sometimes, even the most loving parent can unwitting create a volatile situation that puts their child at peril.”
Are we talking about werewolves or nudists here? Because I don't think it was Ron's lycanthropy that turned Timmy into the creepiest toddler ever.
Sam hung her head and closed her eyes, fearing her worst nightmare was about to come true.
She would indeed have to read Hogwarts Exposed.
“All rise.” A solemn voice commanded.
Sam stood petrified as the judge entered the courtroom. This was it. In a few minutes, she would know whether her future would be one of happiness or one of despair. The testimony today had appeared to go rather well, but there was no reading Judge Ebony Jones’ face. Had she seen through the lies and bigotry, or was she blind to the truth and as prejudiced as most of the wizarding world seemed to be?
“I take the welfare of children extremely serious,” Judge Jones began. “The human offspring is the frailest of all creatures and requires the nurturing of caring parents well into their teens. Sometimes even the most loving parent can unwitting create a volatile situation that puts their child at peril.”
Sam hung her head and closed her eyes, fearing her worst nightmare about to come true.
Yes, the opening of Chapter 12 is identical to the end of Chapter 11, aside from one misformatted dialogue tag that barely seems worth it.
“For this reason it is imperative that a judge listens closely to all testimony and takes into consideration all evidence,” Judge Jones said passionately. “I personally prefer to go a step further in my hunt for the truth. I like to talk to the child, if they are old enough to carry on a meaningful conversation. This morning I spent an enchanting two hours with young Timothy. You would be amazed at the fountain of information that spews from a three-year old when they are encouraged to speak.
We're told about this scene rather than shown it, but given how the author renders Timmy's dialogue it's a probably unintentional act of mercy.
“Miss Bowman, I’m pleased with the job you’ve done up to now raising your son. I especially like the fact that you have taken such an open and honest approach, dealing with things such as his paternity. It is evident Timmy loves Mr. Weasley very much; he constantly refers to him as daddy, but Timmy is also aware that he is not his real father.
It's just as well he didn't tell Judge Ebony all he knows about thingies and you-know-whats. Anyway, she delivers the rest of her summation, which marks the first time a multi-paragraph monologue in Hogwarts Exposed has a valid reason to exist.
“Mr. Malfoy, I applaud a man who, when finding out he is a father, steps forward to take responsibility. I, however, question the methods you have stooped to use in your effort to gain custody. As I said the first day of this hearing, I am only impressed with honest testimony and undisputed evidence. I question the truthfulness of your testimony when compared to the evidence presented by the defense.
“I find it difficult to believe that a young lady, who had maintained her virginity throughout university, overnight turned to a life of prostitution, and since you obviously presented her with a false name, I tend to consider the balance of your story to be just as false.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 34 (I missed one in Chapter 11; mea culpa.)
I would have thought much better of you had you simply told the truth. You would not have been the first man that lied to a girl in order to get her into bed.
It wouldn't exactly have made him out to be the pillar of the community he wanted to be seen as, but then neither does getting a bunch of incompetent puppy-punters to make off with his kid.
“Unfortunately, at this point, our hearing seemed to lose its focus
Rather like the fic.
and, instead of concentrating on the child, took on the appearance of a muggle witch-hunt. I’m appalled that wizardkind seems hell bent on punishing two of our greatest heroes simply because they enjoy nude recreation. I was always raised to judge a person by their actions and how they treated others, not how they dress or, in this case, don’t dress.
And if not for the creepy hypersexualisation of nudity and nudists (including underage ones) even when protesting it to be completely nonsexual, I'd be inclined to agree.
“For that reason, among others, I declare that Timothy Bowman will remain in the custody of Samantha Bowman.”
Upon which Bullchip shouted, "I don't believe it!"
The judge glanced in the direction of Sam and Ron, who had wasted no time entering into an embrace. “Professor Granger, will you please meet with me in my chambers.”
Hermione looked at Harry questioningly as Timmy was brought into the courtroom and immediately ran to the open arms of his mother. “I wonder why she wants to talk to me,” Hermione said worryingly.
"Worryingly" doesn't mean expressing worry; it means causing worry. Causing worry to whom is unclear because I've long since lost track of the POV.
“Probably wants to give you a warning about using the floo network when you’re starkers,” Harry said kiddingly.
"Kiddingly" is one of those words that doesn't look like it should exist but apparently does. This doesn't change the fact that it's utterly redundant, because even a Hogwarts Exposed villain could figure out that Harry doesn't actually think Hermione is about to get cautioned for nude Floo usage.
Sam approached Malfoy and timidly said, “Draco, I’d like you to meet someone.”
Draco turned abruptly ready to swear, but found he was looking in a mirror, a mirror that reflected an image of a three-year-old Draco Malfoy.
Judge Ebony promptly had the Mirror of Ytidun confiscated for being so obviously evil. And probably a prep, too. Rather like Deserving and its spontaneously combusting magical contracts, here we have a metaphor that at first glance is ambiguous as to whether it's meant literally or not, because it's nearly identical in description to an established plot device.
“Malfoy,” Ron said, seeming to be struggling to force the words out. “Sam and I take Timmy to the park at the end of Hogsmeade every Saturday about noon. If you’d like, you can join us this week.”
Draco stared at Ron in disbelief. “I might just do that,” he said, nodding his head. He turned to Sam. “You’ve done a good job.” Quickly he turned away hoping no one had noticed the unmanly tear in his eye.
Clearly Draco isn't capable of these. It's kind of possibly in character for him to act this way, especially when we consider how he reacts to Harry finding him in that state in Half-Blood Prince (after HTE was written).
Draco ushered Ginny to the doors of the courtroom as Sam and Ron watched.
“It’s all right Draco,” Ginny said reassuringly. “We’ll have children of our own as soon as we’re married.”
“Yes,” Draco agreed.
Yay redundancy!
“But there’s hardly any reason to rush that now any more, is there?”
Ginny looked at Draco as if he had just ripped her heart from her chest and smashed it on the floor.
Oh dear. So much for happy endings.
“You two are amazing,” Harry said, as he and Tonks approached Sam and Ron. “I doubt I could have been that gracious.”
“Don’t look at me, mate,” Ron said defensively. “It was all her doing. Sam had a knife to my back and was threatening to take away all my treats.”
“Daddy likes his treats even more than I do.” Timmy said innocently.
“I somehow get the feeling Timmy and Ron are taking about two very different type of treats.” Tonks said with a laugh.
Sam blushed, “Quite different.”
An in-character Ron probably would be thinking of the same type of treat, because he certainly appreciates his sweets and other food in canon. But no, every damn thing ever has to be about sex. Unless it involves nudity, which is completely nonsexual.
“Well, at least your not in handcuffs,” Harry joked.
The only joke here is that an adult doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're".
“You wouldn’t believe the difference,” Hermione said, excitedly, “When she takes those robes off it’s like she transforms into a different woman.
Don't tell me Judge Ebony is also a naturist.
I could have talked to her for hours.”
She even invited her to an MCR concert.
“Well, actually three things,” Hermione said. “She wanted to assure me that you and I would not receive any problem from the court system concerning any of the girls and the nudist issue. Ebony thinks it’s ridiculous how it is being blown out of proportion.”
So the author doesn't have to write any more courtroom shenanigans, which with how this case was written is probably just as well. Instead they can focus on the directors, who for some reason are back to being the governors (as in canon) next chapter.
“Ebony?” Sam said questioningly. “You’re now on a first name basis with the judge?”
“Yes, she even offered me a job if Hogwarts gives me the boot,” Hermione said, trying to sound upbeat.
Because seeing her give a few minutes' worth of testimony in one hearing is all Judge Ebony needs to know that this person with no training or experience would be an asset to the legal profession.
Hermione looked sheepishly at Sam and Ron. “Ebony says it’s been a long time since she’s performed a marriage ceremony.
Ron and Sam just looked at each other, speechless.
“But here, now!” Sam said, both loathing and loving the idea. “But we don’t have rings or a license.”
“I have the rings,” Ron said, hopefully. “I don’t go anywhere without them.”
He carries the rings everywhere just in case a friendly goffick judge just happens to offer to perform the marriage ceremony.
Sam looked desperately at Ron. Just ask me! Just ask me! She kept saying to herself.
Of course it doesn't occur to her that she could ask him herself. Now this isn't quite as cringeworthy as it not occurring to Hermione because there's absolutely no reason that it shouldn't given Hermione's canon characterisation, but it's still distracting.
Ebony Jones stood at the door to her cambers watching, confident that she had made the right decision.
And the scene just ends there, with the wedding - as good a dénouement to the custody battle subplot as we were ever going to get - happening off-screen. As I've said before, it's amazing how Hogwarts Exposed manages to be as (over)long as it is with so many scenes completely missing.
“How soon do you think they’ll need us to leave the castle,” Hermione asked glumly as she and Harry trudged their way to Headmaster Snape’s office.
They hadn’t even unpacked yet. The message they had received was to report to the Headmaster’s office immediately upon their return to Hogwarts and that is what they were doing.
It's HE!Snape. What's he going to do, simper them to death?
“You’re certainly the eternal optimist, aren’t you?” Harry questioned, although he too felt like he was taking that last walk that ended with the dementor’s Kiss.
Upon which the Dementor exploded and sent them back in time.
“I consider myself neither pessimistic nor optimistic, but rather realistic,” Hermione said as they reached the spiral staircase and just stood there looking up. “You’re acquainted with the Board of Directors. Do you seriously think we stand a chance? We were on the front page of the Daily Prophet totally nude, not exactly proper conduct for Hogwarts Professors, and I extremely doubt that Playwizard Magazine is going to superimpose any black bars over my features in their publication.”
That's what she thinks, but they've recently taken up a lucrative sponsorship deal with the Censorship Box Company of Albania.
“No, I doubt they will,” Harry said gloomily. “I wonder what type of photos we can expect?”
I think the advert made that all too clear.
“No, but we have a good idea of when the charm was removed and….” Hermione hesitated a moment and then started fresh. “That morning when I came down to the pool to wait for you, there was no one about except for the girls and a few of their friends, frolicking at the far end of the pool. I knew you’d be along shortly so I just straddled a chaise lounge and watched the girls fool around for a time.
A chaise longue. From the French, literally "long chair". Then again, the fact that the author thinks that speaking French is such an esoteric skill that even Hermione is impressed when someone does it is consistent with the fact that he fucks up simple loanwords.
To Hermione’s great surprise, Harry seemed nonplused at her revelation. “It’s just another part of your body, Love, and, I might add, just as beautiful as the balance of you.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 35
Hermione looked at Harry in disbelief. “You’re starting to sound like the girls.”
“Only because they’re
... Mary Sues, and everyone's contractually obliged to agree with them.
Hermione just shook her head. “To you and the girls maybe, even possibly to other nudists, but I doubt many that buy the magazine will think of innocence and purity when they scan the pictures. They will forever more think of me as a slag.”
I'm not sure it's a word Hermione would use (in fact, I'm fairly sure she wouldn't) but "slag" isn't strictly wrong in this context.
Harry was at a loss for words. His wife was in no way a slag, but she was right. A huge percentage of the wizard world would soon regard her as such, once those pictures were published.
Why would they even care? Now if they knew she had ephebophilic thoughts about Jamie, which is indeed the case (Exposed chapters 12 and 22 and Too Exposed chapter 2 and later on in this one), then that would be another matter.
Harry was about to knock, when the large doors of the headmaster’s office swung open and Professor Snape beckoned them to enter.
“The hearing went well, I understand,” Snape said, evidently already aware of most of the details. “And Mr. Weasley is to be congratulated on his marriage.”
“Yes,” said Hermione, wondering how Snape had become so well informed so quickly.
He's Snape. He's the Headmaster of Hogwarts and an accomplished Legilimens. Knowing things is something he does.
“Please, have a seat and I will bring you up to date on occurrences here at the castle,” Snape said.
Hermione and Harry nervously took seats, both wishing that Severus would skip the small talk and get to the point of this meeting.
So is he Snape or Severus? Yet again, make your mind up.
“I was extremely impressed with Jamie Zacherley’s performance as a substitute Professor. It is my understanding that she intends to train as an Auror, after her time at Hogwarts is complete. She might want to reconsider; the young lady has a talent for teaching.”
Hermione and Harry exchanged glances, pride evident on both their faces.
Severus’ expression abruptly took a more somber quality.
Okay, whose POV is this if we can see all three of their faces? Anyway, the upshot of this scene is that the directors/governors didn't sack Harry and Hermione because of all the parents threatening to send their kids to Beauxbatons or Durmstrang if they left. They're still going to kick her out once Playwizard is released, so apparently the threat of half the school leaving only goes so far.
“Damien, isn’t the news wonderful,” The Great One said, excitedly as she entered her hidden headquarters.
So well hidden that we're not even told what it looks like.
“I thought it would have distressed you,” Damien said, looking rather confused.
“Upset me! Impossible! The news my spy brought me is wonderful,” Emma Wrong said happily, lifting the crystal glass of white wine, which sat upon the table in the centre of the room.
“Oh! Then you haven’t talked with Madam Hooch,” Damien said nervously, realizing that he would now be the one to break the bad news.
“No, I haven’t,” Emma Wrong answered; coming to the conclusion that Hooch was plainly looking for her in order to give her some disappointing information.
“Evidently, we are not talking about the same news,” Damien said, now trembling.
“Obviously not,” the Great One said, her mood now changed to one of anger.
“Perhaps you’d care to share you’re positive information before I tell you of our disappointing find.” Damien said as he tried unsuccessfully to blend in with the furniture. It was at times like these, that Damien wished he had paid more attention when Disillusionment Charms were taught.
Wrong is such a terrible excuse for a villain that I have trouble taking her seriously. There are so many interesting things the author could have done with a Minister for Magic who's secretly evil, and yet here we have the most generic of generic villains. Even what little we see of her motivation is just ripped off from Voldemort's line on blood purity and Slytherin's legacy.
“Very well,” Emma Wrong said begrudgingly. “Good news first. As you are aware the custody case concluded today, and not surprisingly, the Weasel and his bitch won.
And even she thinks Draco's scheme was stupid and doomed to failure.
Truthfully, I could not give a damn who has custody of the little bastard, as long as they keep him healthy until the time of his sacrifice.
"Mwahahaha, I'm so evil!"
I was more interested in hearing the private conversation after the hearing, so I had Crabbe hide in the courtroom under an invisibility cloak. Mind you that was no easy matter, considering his considerable bulk.
Because when it comes to stealth and subtlety, who better to send than Vincent Crabbe? At least there weren't any house-elves in the vicinity. Still, the throwaway reference to Wrong being there in court prevents this from being totally pulled out of nowhere.
“The important thing is that we’re closer to our goal. We will soon have the second heir.” The Great One smiled triumphantly.
“Excuse me,” Damien said meekly. “That’s what Hooch and I wanted to speak to you about.”
“Have you discovered the identity of the healer and the seer?” Wrong asked excitedly.
“Not exactly,” Damien, shilly-shallied. “It’s Draco Malfoy.” Damien gulped hard. “His ancestral link to Lord Slytherin is a sham.”
“What?” The Great One shrieked.
“It seems his father paid to have numerous documents altered in order to gain favor with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Yes, because Voldemort would be so thrilled to have another Heir of Slytherin knocking about. I don't think.
Malfoy is no more the heir to Slytherin than I am.”
Considering that a large chunk of the plot of Chamber of Secrets concerned itself with Harry finding out that Draco isn't the Heir of Slytherin, I've no idea what's going on here.
“Damn!” the Great One vented, throwing the glass across the room barely missing Damien. “Just when I thought we were making progress. And I was so looking forward to seeing Weasley and his tart cry over the body.
"Have I mentioned that I'm evil?" Anyway, we return to Hogwarts.
“Do you think they’ll be allowed to continue teaching?” Caitlin asked as Emily, Jamie and she headed for the staff quarters.
“The fact that they were at the head table for dinner is a good sign,” Jamie answered encouragingly.
Yes, apparently Harry and Hermione never actually bothered to meet the girls when they arrived, or they'd have given them the good news already. Parents of the year, amirite?
“I think the whole subject is ludicrous,” Emily added angrily. “Everybody knows they’re the two most excellent teachers Hogwarts has.”
“People just don’t understand naturism,” Jamie said, dejectedly.
“Yeah! And it’s easier to discriminate against something you don’t understand rather than take the time to learn about it,” Emily said, her voice echoing her frustration.
Once they reached the quarters, Caitlin went to open the door and then paused. “What do we do once we get inside?” she asked.
“What to you mean?” Jamie questioned.
“Well, normally I’d strip out of my garments,” Caitlin said, confused. “But under the circumstances, maybe we should stay dressed.”
Their dialogue is no more convincing than it's ever been.
Emily looked aghast. “You’re not serious? All day long, people have been taunting me about being a nudist. I’ve been so looking forward to getting up here and relaxing. Now you want me to keep these on,” she said, looking disgustingly at her clothes.
”Stop thinking about yourself and think of Hermione and Harry, especially Hermione.” Jamie said, irritably.
Says you? Right from the very beginning Jamie has been of the opinion that if anyone else has a problem with nudity then it's their problem, and if Emily has picked up that idea then it's hardly going to be anyone else's fault.
“I know you’re right, but being nude makes me think of that photographer and what pictures he might have taken,” Hermione said, depressed.
More even than usual, you can't just tell us that a character is depressed. That's something that has to be shown. As the author does, probably unintentionally, with Jamie's behaviour a few chapters ago.
“I’m not embarrassed any more to be seen nude, but that magazine has a tendency to print rather extreme close-ups. I’m not looking forward to people asking me to autograph a picture of my most intimate parts.”
“No one would ever do that,” Harry said.
“No,” Hermione said, trying to be more realistic. “I doubt any one would be so crass to ask that, but that doesn’t mean the magazine won’t print it. They’re known for their crude pictures.”
She seems to know an awful lot about this magazine, doesn't she? And yet she doesn't know that Luna is the editor. (No, honestly not kidding there.)
Harry nodded his head. “What do you mean by ‘for the time being’?” Emily asked concernedly.
Hermione gazed in the direction of her youngest daughter. “It means that in all probability, Harry’s job is secure, but when the December issue of Playwizard is distributed, I’ll be sacked.”
All three girls looked in Hermione’s direction and as one cried, “No!”
She hadn’t closed the door and Harry was rather taken aback when he reached the threshold. Emily had literally thrown herself on the bed and was stretched out with her head buried in the bed pillow.
LITERALLY COUNT: 28
In her present position, the short skirt she wore was incapable of covering all it was in theory designed to cover up. Harry turned his head to leave and then realized how silly he was being. He wasn’t seeing anything he hadn’t seen a thousand times before; it just seemed wrong because she was dressed instead of nude.
And this is more important than, you know, the fact that she's upset that her mother will lose her job. I hate this fic. They go for a nude swim in the Room of Requirement, because when the governors have you under scrutiny it's a great idea to cavort naked with students on school premises.
“Then you think Mum will be fired?” Emily asked forlornly.
“Unfortunately, I don’t see any way around it,” Jamie responded. “The Board of Directors would fire her even if the pictures were tastefully shot and only of her topless. I’ve seen a few copies of that magazine, and I’m sure the pictures will be anything but refined.”
“Then in your view, there will probably be close ups of her twat?” Emily asked.
“That’s not a word I like to hear you use,” Jamie said, admonishingly.
Come on, she's sixteen and hardly sheltered. She's not going to be shocked at a fairly middling swearword even uttered by her younger sister. The problem is more that using the word in its literal sense isn't as common (at least not where I live, but regional variation is always a thing) as the author seems to think. YMMV because I was Emily's age in 1995 and the fic is set in 2004, but "fanny" or "minge" would probably be more authentic.
“but that’s exactly what I expect. Since we never saw anyone, I’m sure most of the photos were taken with a telephoto lens and most likely when Hermione was in an awkwardly exposed position.”
A too exposed position!
“Is that legal?” Caitlin inquired.
“Yes, we were in a public setting and it was our choice to be nude.” Jamie explained.
That really doesn't make taking pictures without consent okay.
The girls parted, Emily heading for the dungeons and Slytherin House, Caitlin and Jamie to Gryffindor Tower. They all had an empty feeling.
Where their brains should be.
“That was fun,” Hermione said two hours later as Harry held her in his arms. “but you and the girls have a tendency to get rather rough. I have scratch marks all over my body.”
“At least your reproductive system can’t be used as a lifeline,” Harry said.
“Not, hardly!” Hermione said, stunned by Harry’s comment. “What happened?”
“It was when Emily and Jamie were swinging Caitlin back and forth, holding her hands and feet. They ended up sort of tossing her at me. Caitlin kind of panicked as she went under water and just grabbed anything she could to hold onto.”
“And the something was your penis?” Hermione said dazed.
“Obviously, it was an accident; she simply questioned if she had hurt me. It’s not just talk with the girls; the three of them actually don’t think it’s a big deal to touch or be touched anywhere when it’s not sexual.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9Cz0oEUEIs#t=04m56s
“Harry, how do you do it?” Hermione asked.
“How do I do what?” he asked
“How do you avoid being excited when you are around the girls? I would think that just seeing Jamie naked would cause you to have a reaction; she’s so beautiful. How can you control yourself around them?” she asked
“It’s a case of mind over matter. I pretend they’re someone else.”
The fact that Hermione assumes that Harry should have that reaction and Harry admits that he has to fight it should be a red flag to get this pair of perverts away from all children at all costs. Nudity: completely nonsexual!
Friday, October 23, 2004
He had waited outside in the hall for her to leave the common room; finally at last, she was alone. Why was she avoiding him? He felt they had a wonderful relationship and thought she sensed the same. Yet ever since they had been intimate, things seemed different. She had agreed and actually seemed to be just as eager as him, but now she gave the impression of being so distant. She appeared to circumvent being alone with him, even avoided talking to him whenever possible.
The boy remained out of sight as he followed her down steep staircases and through long corridors. Finally, he saw her enter the library. He was about to corner her; finally they would talk. At last he would learn why she was steering clear of him.
As he reached the library entrance and gazed about the huge room; it appeared empty. She was no place to be seen. Slowly he walked past row and row of books.
At long last, there she was in the medical section nervously reading a book. When he spoke her name, the girl’s face flushed and she clutched the open book to her chest. He gazed at her questioningly as he took the book in his hand and read the chapter heading, Pregnancy: The First Stages.
He looked at her, a combination of shock and fear covering his face.
She broke into tears. “But they don’t tell you how to stop it!” she said in panic.
Apart from the 100% effective and hassle-free magical contraception that's already been established as part of the Hogwarts Exposed universe, of course. The existence of that makes this entire subplot into a giant idiot plot. And yes, "who are these characters" is the stupidest kind of cliffhanger and yet here we have it again.
Before we go, and yay for the halfway point, this chapter has an alternate scene. I was going to spork it, but it consists simply of a scene from the main chapter altered by having Hermione giving Harry a very blandly described blow job as they talk. Which scene, I hear you ask? The one in which they discuss their ephebophilic attraction to their adopted offspring, of course. I hate this fic.