Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 8
In which plot happens. Yes, I'm as surprised as you are. As an experiment, I tried reviewing this entire chapter in a single (long) update, just to see if it's still possible. No guarantees that I'm going to do that again. The continuity errors look even worse this way.
The next chapter of Hogwarts Too Exposed seems to remember that there's supposed to be a plot, so for the first time we're shown the prophecy that the "Great One" and her minions are acting on. It's in the classic "when the full moon shines o'er the temple deep" vein that really doesn't fit the Potterverse, especially as this chapter was written once Order of the Phoenix was out and the author had no hesitation in retconning everything to fit it in there. And considering the size of Order of the Phoenix, that's a lot of retcon. The prophecy is all about bringing back Salazar Slytherin, who the Great One seems to think would actually approve of her idiotic antics.
From the blood of innocents four,
The Great Lord Slytherin’s spirit shall pour.
Two of his own, seer and heir,
Two of his enemies, healer and heir,
Two drops of each not any more,
With their death by his hand,
To his body he will be returned,
To walk the earth a mortal man,
But when Slytherin and Evil are joined,
Not even the Covenant will bring the result down.
All I can say is, good luck finding four innocents in the world of Hogwarts Exposed.
“But you’re the senior member of staff. Plus you’ve also known her longer. I feel you should be the one to break the news.”
”You don’t understand. She has a tendency to kill people who bring her upsetting news. She’s already given me one reprieve. There’s such a thing as pushing your luck.”
The door slammed as Emma Wrong entered the room. “And just what are you two squabbling about?” the Great One demanded.
“Nothing! Great One,” Damien lied as he cowered in the corner.
Do featureless planes even have corners?
“Madame Hooch. I’m pleased you decided to join our organization. How are you and Damien getting along?”
“Quite well,” Hooch said honestly.
As she's clearly lying from what we've seen, how is she saying it honestly? It doesn't help that I've no idea from whose POV I'm supposed to be seeing this array of talking heads.
“We share many mutual interests.”
“Are you referring to your shared love of torture and mutilation or your mutual fascination with Hermione Granger?” The Great One said nastily.
"Look at us, we're so evil! Mwahahaha!"
“I assure you that the only feelings I hold for Granger are those of betrayal and hatred.” Hooch said, snootily turning up her nose as if the mere discussion of the Hogwarts Professor offended her senses.
Apart from her sense of taste, of course.
“If that be the case then you and Damien most certainly don’t agree on everything. He is rather smitten with the Professor. If given the chance I’m sure he would love to test her arousal levels with his dip stick.”
I'm not convinced a witch would use a car engine metaphor, especially one who appears from what little we've been shown of her background and motivation to be a pureblood supremacist. But hey, why let consistent characterisation get in the way of juvenile sex jokes? Don't all ominous "bad guys plotting" scenes need those?
The Great One crossed the room and took Damien’s chin in her hand, lifting his head so she could look him directly in his eyes. “But Damien is a good soldier. If I ordered it, he would drive a stake through her groin to her chest without hesitation.
Hang on, isn't that what she was already talking about?
Would you do that for me?” She turned to Madam Hooch.
“With pleasure, Great One,” Hooch replied.
Only pausing to eat from her box of fried nipples which she got on special order from the local evil takeaway.
“And how do you feel about Potter and the Weasel? If I commanded would you strip the flesh from their writhing bodies?”
"I feel you enjoy your job a tad too much."
The Great One smiled. “I have enough hate for all of us. Soon when Salazar Slytherin joins us I will rule the world with you both as my lieutenants.
Really? You'll rule the world? Not, you know, one of the most powerful wizards in history who you've just returned from the dead?
The first item on our agenda will be the extremely slow and excruciating painful death of the Weasel and his annoying friends.”
She turned to Damien. “How is the amassing of the centaurs progressing?”
If you recall, her evil plot is to capture every centaur in the world. Goodness only knows where they're actually being amassed. They're villains, if their behaviour in this scene hadn't tipped you off, so they have no fear of logistics.
Damien looked toward Hooch, his expression practically begging her to answer the question. She ignored him. “The search has been canceled, Great One,” Damien said uneasily, sweat covering his brow.
“CANCELED! Under whose authority?” She shouted. The Great One was livid. She looked at Damien furiously. “I gave you back your life and this is how you show your appreciation. I should kill you here and now.”
And these bickering halfwits are supposed to be a greater threat to the wizarding world than Voldemort.
Damien dropped to his knees. “Please Great One, spare me. We have found a centaur that after some persuasion has agreed to help us.”
The Great One calmed slightly. “In the future, Damien, I recommend you give me the good news first.
Because what this scene really needs to be dramatic is a good-news-bad-news routine. That always works.
Damien slowly got to his feet. “One of the largest herds of centaur live in the Forbidden Forest next to Hogwarts, therefore Madam Hooch and I decided to begin our roundup there.
With HE!Snape a total wazzock and Harry and Hermione too concerned with each other and their brood of Sues, going around trying to capture centaurs right under the noses of the Hogwarts faculty might not be as suicidal an idea as it first seems.
However, the forest is extremely dense and the centaurs exceedingly good at concealing themselves. After three weeks of searching we hadn’t seen one centaur although we did come across some rather large spiders.”
Which unfortunately didn't eat them.
“As we were about ready to give up for the day, we stumbled upon a lone centaur. It was Firenze, the one that taught for a time at Hogwarts. He didn’t put up much of a fight, not much spirit left in him. The other centaurs had relented and allowed him to return to the forest, but he was still banned from the herd. He was rather sad and depressed.”
“Why the hell should I care how a mule feels?” The Great One shouted. “When did this happen? What have you learned? Why haven’t you told me all this sooner?”
If Wrong is as impatient as she's coming across in this scene, then by rights she should get herself killed trying to act on the prophecy before the appointed time. Then again, this is the kind of inconsistency you end up with when you get your baddies straight out of Central Casting.
“Oh! He decided to oblige,” Damien said. “Madam Hooch found this ingenious muggle device called a nut cracker. Firenze decided he’d rather not discover if it worked on more than just walnuts.”
Or, alternatively, I'm sure centaurs aren't immune to the Cruciatus curse. Damien's characterisation doesn't make any sense: he claimed in his monologue to Hermione in Exposed that he doesn't carry a wand because he likes to see people suffer, but if that's his only motivation then it's hard to imagine anything with a better effort-to-reward ratio than the Cruciatus curse. You just point your wand, say a short incantation and your victim suffers what is per canon the worst pain anyone can, no fartarsing around with things the author found on Wikipedia needed.
“Then he has been working on the prophecy?” The Great one asked elatedly.
“Yes, Damien answered, “but he advises against taking any steps until we secure the entire prophecy,”
Wait, so that bit we got at the beginning still isn't the full prophecy?
“I’m not looking for advice from a donkey; I’m looking for the names of the innocents. It could be years, maybe never before we find the balance of the prophecy.
Take a shot!
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 29
“He feels innocent refers to youth and having never had sexual intercourse,” Madam Hooch answered.
Well, of course it's going to involve sex. This is Hogwarts Exposed, after all.
“We’re probably talking children under age thirteen.
At least until Chapter 22.
“Then when his spirit kills the kids,” Damien added excitedly,
... pausing only to twirl his moustache.
“Stupid refuge from a glue factory.
Hogwarts Exposed is so bad that it doesn't even have lulzy quotes going for it, but I like this line far more than I should just because it looks so surreal out of context. Especially with the typo. Stupid refuge from a glue factory!
Of course, Evil refers to me. Who the hell else is ripping both the muggle and magical world apart with terrorism?”
I wasn't aware that she was doing that, considering how little we've seen of what she's been up to. Maybe there's a massive reign of terror going on and our "heroes" are just too self-centred to notice. Because I actually wouldn't put that past them. And people are about as likely to view themselves as terrorists as they are to view themselves as evil, which is to say not very.
Emma looked at both Hooch and Damien with repugnance. “I didn’t need a four-legged nag to tell me the information you’ve conveyed.
There seems to be a very subtle implication that Wrong isn't too fond of centaurs.
“Firenze is still charting the stars and trying to attach names. He is sure that ‘his own’ and ‘his enemies’ refers to Slytherin and Gryffindor houses,” Madam Hooch said, hoping the Great One would allow her to finish before screaming again.
Hogwarts houses are Serious Business™ in badfic-land.
That would mean that the seer is either in or will be in Slytherin and the healer is or will be a Gryffindor.”
It's Emily and Caitlin. Obvious twist is obvious.
“That means that heir refers to the heirs of Gryffindor and Slytherin. No one knows who the heir of Slytherin is
Yes, they really do.
although many people think its Draco Malfoy, but Potter is definitely the Heir of Gryffindor.
Since when?
The Great One leaned her head against the wall. This was not good news. Finally she turned to her lieutenants, her face colorless. “Some things we can control and others we can not.” Her voice actually sounded on the verge of tears.
Even the baddies in this fic spend half their lives crying.
“The wise person knows the difference.
And Wrong, from all we've seen of her, is anything but a wise person.
I’ll give orders to double our terror campaign.
Uh, twice zero is still zero.
Cut back to the Slytherin common room, where everyone's been standing around patiently waiting for the baddies they're unaware of to have their meeting before reacting to Dick the dick telling Emily and his own brother (!) to undress in front of the entire house. The Tethercat Principle is a harsh mistress.
“What do you mean change back here in front of everyone?” Tyler protested. “That wasn’t part of the challenge. I won’t do it.”
”In that case you have lost the challenge and I will pick two more names,” Dick said triumphantly.
“No!” We’ll do it,” Emily said with conviction.
Denise and Janice looked at each other in disbelief. Maybe somehow in that closet she had gotten Tyler to be a gentleman and turn his back. But how did she intend to hide her lack of undergarments here in the middle of the common room?
It's not occurred to whichever one of them is the POV character here that Emily might just not care. Why, again, are we supposed to see these complete idiots as a credible threat to anyone?
Emily was just ready to continue unbuttoning her shirt when Doris said, “Zacherley, you’re right. He is a lying, cheating bastard. Keep your clothes on. Dick, you are not a god. The committee wrote the rules and you don’t have the authority to change them. The initiation is over. All first years are now officially Slytherins.”
Dick’s was furious, he clenched his fists in anger, but he understood he had lost. He said nothing; just walked off in disgust.
Speaking of complete idiots who it's hard to see as a credible threat.
The first years cheered the end of the initiation as Doris ushered Emily and Tyler back into the closet.
Where Emily would remain until Chapter 22.
“She is the luckiest bitch alive,” Denise said angrily as her and Janice stomped off.
Her what and Janice?
“Yeah, sure” said Emily, not buying the flattery. “Why were you so reluctant to change out there? I was the one that would end up on display and you knew I wouldn’t consider it that big a deal.”
“But I did,” Tyler answered. “I’m the only guy in Slytherin house that has seen how terrific you look nude and I didn’t want to share that vision with the balance of the house.”
Smarmy git. Also:
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 30
Emily did something extremely out of character; she blushed.
Protip: when you actually have to tell us that someone's acting out of character, your characterisation sucks.
“Are you sure your Dick’s brother?
Why the difference between "your" and "you're" matters. *chortle*
“Mum, thank god your back!”
And again, though not quite as much as the last example.
Caitlin squealed as she ran into the room and flung her arms around Hermione. “It was awful.”
“What happened Honey?” Hermione said with concern as she wrapped her arms around Caitlin to comfort her.
“It was Matt. He was here and…”
Before she could complete her sentence, Hermione interrupted, her anger filling her voice. “Matt was here! The two of you were alone? If he hurt you in any way...”
Because boys are evil.
“No, Mum!” Caitlin shrieked. “It wasn’t Matt. He would never hurt me. It was me; I almost killed him.”
“You almost most killed him?” Hermione said in shock.
Jamie put her hand on Caitlin shoulder. “You’d never do something like that on purpose; you don’t have a mean bone in your body. Calm down and tell us what happened.”
They all seated themselves in the living area. Hermione sat on the couch next to Caitlin still holding the girl tightly to her. “Tell us exactly what happened,” Hermione instructed, extremely alarmed.
Is there an echo in here?
“Matt arrived about ten minutes after you guys left,” Caitlin said. “I was really bored so, of course, I was elated to see him.
This is how twelve-year-olds talk, you know.
I had just offered him a drink when I got an itch on my back. You know the kind that drives you crazy, but you can’t reach. I asked him to scratch it and he did.”
Jamie gave Caitlin a knowing glance, “I’m sure you had to twist his arm.”
Caitlin ignored Jamie and continued her story. “It felt great. You guys both know how I love having my back scratched.
Caitlin the cat.
When I told Matt how much I enjoyed it, he offered to scratch it for me.”
Hermione and Jamie exchanged quick looks, neither liking the direction this story seemed to be heading.
And nor do I. In fact, I didn't the first time.
Jamie and Hermione once again exchanged glances; they were both experiencing mixed emotions as they heard the story. Each was picturing themselves in similar situations, Hermione with Harry and Jamie with Alex. They knew exactly what she meant and how she felt. It was truly a wonderful sensation. Then they’d be jerked back to reality. Caitlin and Matt are only twelve.
They'd be forgiven for not remembering this, considering the way the supposed kids talk and behave.
“And then, I don’t know why, but I started to think of Madam Hooch; how she lied to me and how she hurt me both physically and mentally.
But mostly about the agony of the stick.
“Then I remembered the excruciating pain as she violated me with that broomstick.
Like so. This aspect of Caitlin's backstory just seems to have been pulled out of thin air: there was no sign of it in Exposed. I suppose it could explain why Caitlin doesn't like flying much, but I doubt the author gave the matter that much thought. And Hogwarts Exposed hardly needed any more overwrought grimderp schlock.
“It wasn’t your fault Caitlin,” Jamie said reassuringly.
This is why I've come to regard direct address without a comma as the Hogwarts Exposed manoeuvre.
“Was he eating anything? Something probably stuck in his throat. There’s no reason to connect your memories with what happened to Matt.”
Except that even this author wouldn't sink so low as to make it a simple coincidence. I hope.
“Caitlin, for the last time it wasn’t your fault,” Jamie said emphatically, now holding Caitlin’s hands in hers.
Even the other characters are getting sick of how repetitive this conversation is.
Without forewarning Hermione jumped from the chair, tears pouring out of her eyes.
Not entirely without forewarning. It's what Hermione does in this fic.
“No, it wouldn’t have been her fault if that innocent boy had died. It would have been mine. Mine for not telling you; not warning you.” Hermione stuttered, completely distraught at what had nearly occurred.
That doesn't look like distraught stuttering to me.
Hermione approached Caitlin and got on her knees in front of where the young girl was sitting. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Caitlin wiggled to the front of the chair and put her arms around Hermione neck. “Mum, it’s not your fault.” Caitlin looked at her Mum, an expression of trepidation and panic on her face. “Can I kill people in my sleep just by dreaming it?”
“No.” Hermione answered, tears streaking down her cheeks.
So she was crying before and now she's... still crying, I guess? Thanks for the reminder.
“But there are downsides to having Hyperempathic abilities and I should have explained them. I just….” Hermione tried to gain self-control.
Which canon!Hermione would have had no trouble doing. Hogwarts Exposed, however, was written by someone who hates fanfic where she's written as weak and needing Harry to save her all the time (an almost direct quote) which is why she's written as weak and needing Harry to save her all the time. Come to think of it, he's probably patting himself on the back for how he didn't resolve the Hermione kidnapping plot by having Harry burst in to save the day, completely missing the point of what was wrong with that part of the story.
Hermione gave Caitlin a weak smile. “Sometimes you make me wonder which of us the grownup is and which is the child.”
Especially when the child talks like a grownup.
As Caitlin took a sip of her butterbeer she said, “It feels strange to have the two of you sitting here clothed.”
On the one hand, this is the only fic not half-written by Kieran Halcyon where it actually needs to be established that the characters are wearing clothes. On the other, it hadn't been established that they were wearing clothes until she commented on it now, and it's quite reasonable to assume at this stage that none of them had been. Also, apparently Caitlin can speak an entire sentence whilst taking a sip of drink.
“At the moment you’re the priority young lady,” Hermione said as she squeezed Caitlin hand and tried to decide just how to start. “My Hyperempath ability first started to appear when I was sixteen; Madam Pomfrey tells me that is the normal age.
Which just happens to be the age she was after the then-latest book. On that basis, seventeen might have been better because her birthday is right at the beginning of the school year, and it would also tie into seventeen as the wizarding age of majority.
From that I assumed your gift would reach its different stages five years earlier than normal. Today proves my assumption totally incorrect.”
“It usually takes two years until your healing abilities reach full power. Yours already have and seem to greatly exceed those of most Hyperempaths. I knew that for a fact the night you healed my shoulder on the beach. Little is known about your telepathic abilities because they are extremely rare. It has been over two hundred years since there was a Hyperempath that could heal without touching the patient.”
Okay, who said that last paragraph? It can't have been Hermione because there was a close quote at the end of the previous one.
Caitlin and Jamie both listened intently as Hermione continued. “Our sense of feeling is far greater than normal magical people.”
“Do you mean emotionally or physically?” Jamie inquired.
“Physically,” Hermione answered.
Ah, Q&A exposition. How I've missed you.
“This has good and bad points. We have to learn to separate ourselves from feelings of pain. A minor cut, whilst certainly not life threatening, feels ten times as painful to a Hyperempath as to most magical people. If unable to separate from her body a female Hyperempath would be driven crazy by the pain of childbirth.”
“That’s sounds awful Jamie,” said cringing at the thought.
Yes, Jamie is pretty awful. Not quite as bad as Emily, but it's all relative.
“You say there is a good point?”
Hermione blushed as she always did when a discussion of sex took place.
Despite discussing sex earlier in this same scene without blushing.
“Jamie, you will soon be having relations with Alex for the first time. When you peak, that is reach your ultimate feeling of pleasure, imagine it being tens times stronger. All the touches all the caresses, ten times better.” Hermione turned a deep red. “Often it’s necessary to separate from your body because of the overwhelming pleasure.”
Which is why her only sex scene to date has been a bland exercise in "insert tab A into slot B" generiporn with absolutely no distinguishing features. For that matter, on the flipside we saw no evidence that she was any more affected by the torture in Exposed than an average person would be either.
Hermione took a deep breath before dropping the bomb.
It exploded and killed everyone. The End.
“Caitlin, a Hyperempath has the touch of life, if they turn to the dark side or experience extreme hate or anger, their touch can also hurt or kill. In your case, in time I believe you will have the ability to both heal and hurt with your thoughts, but only with a conscious thought.”
I've said before that dark!Caitlin would be an interesting plot development. I'm now more convinced that it would be and more convinced that it's not going to happen.
“I still can’t believe you actually did that,” Kim said as her and Emily studied together in the dorm.
HER WHAT AND EMILY? I can't tell whether this particular mistake is becoming more frequent, or whether I just noticed it once and now can't unsee it.
“He’d obviously never seen a naked girl before,” Emily said unflappably “So I let him look. I will admit that I was surprised when he got down on his knees to get a closer perspective. For a few moments I actually thought he was going to touch me.”
Kim eyes widen.
All your base are belong to us.
“What would you have done if he had?” Kim asked, horror-stricken, at the thought.
Emily laughed. “I might have kicked him where he never would have forgotten it or I just might have just left him touch me and done absolutely nothing. It depended on the touch.”
“I don’t understand, a touch there is wrong, period,” Kim asserted.
Which is an extremely unfortunate choice of words in the circumstances, especially as the punctuation mark at the end of a sentence is called a full stop over here.
As she reached for the other hand Kim started to ask her what she was doing, but Emily shushed her friend and started caressing the hand with her own. Ever so softly she moved her finger over the hand even caressing the wrist. Then she leaned over placed a few gentle kisses on the top of Kim’s hand before starting to suck on her finger.
Just in case anyone had forgotten why Emily is such a loathsome shitbag. Surely there are ways she could have made this same point without causing her supposed friend to do this:
Kim pulled her hand away in repulsion. “What are you doing? She hollered with dismay.
“Why didn’t you yell and jerk away when I touched your right hand?” Emily inquired.
“Because you seemed to be just examining it, but with my left… I felt like you were fondling me. Okay, Okay. I understand what you’re trying to demonstrate. I agree that there is a big difference between touching someone in curiosity and fondling them. But there is also a big difference between touching someone’s hand and touching someone down there.”
“Only because you’ve been taught that way. I don’t think any body parts are more important or sacred than others.
Apart from the ones that get focused on without fail EVERY FUCKING TIME A CHARACTER GETS NAKED IN HOGWARTS EXPOSED, you mean?
Emily shook her head. “Positively not. My Mum used to call me her little extremist nudist. Most naturists lead two lives sort of like a fictional super hero.
But without the costume.
They’re afraid to let friends and even family know they practice nudism. They dress to conform except when they visit a camp or when they are in the privacy of their own homes. If they get company, they’ll rush to cover themselves in fear that someone will learn the truth and ridicule them.”
Which has always happened whenever a character has been revealed to be a naturist in Hogwarts Exposed. Oh, wait, I meant "never".
“The way you think is so alien to me,” Kim said. She was trying to understand Emily’s viewpoint but found it difficult.
"This writing is ridiculously redundant," szaleniec1000 said. He found the writing to be ridiculously redundant.
Emily looked Kim straight in the eye. “I wish I could prove it to you tonight, but it would result in my causing others awkwardness and me more than likely being expelled.
Bah, like HE!Snape would actually expel someone. I mean, he didn't kick Dick Bancroft out for honest-to-goodness attempted murder.
Kim marveled at Emily attitude.
Yay, Emily's so great, yadda fucking yadda. Anyway, she recounts a story about going to the shop naked.
Kim’s jaw dropped as she looked at Emily in amazement. “You actually went to the grocery nude. How far was it from your home?”
“About four blocks and the streets were rather chock-full of activity.
Funny thing. When a typical town looks something like this:
... it turns out that the size of a city block isn't exactly a reliable and consistent measure of distance. Especially when you're talking to someone who's presumably from a different town, so isn't familiar with your local area. Not that we've ever been told which town Emily and her family were from, even when the story went there. She'd be more likely to give an approximate distance or say how long it took to walk.
It was fascinating to observe the reactions of people when they caught view of me. The men, obviously, were more supportive.
Because all men are paedophiles, apparently. Anyway, she goes to the shop and everyone thinks it's great that she's a nudist, because she lives in a world where nudists get ridiculed at the drop of a hat.
Mum was waiting for me at the door an extremely relieved expression on her face. She had spotted my coat and sneakers near the door and realized what I’d done.”
“Did you get punished?” Kim asked.
“Amazingly, no. Mum just hugged me extra long and told me how worried she had been. That’s when she gave me the title, extremist nudist.” Without warning, Emily burst into tears. “Mum and Dad were killed by a drunken muggle driver diabolus ex machina two days later.”
Fixed that for you.
Kim drew Emily close and gave her best friend a hug. “To lose one parent is awful, but to lose both at the same time,
... looks like carelessness.
“I don’t understand,” Emily said as she tried to regain her composure. “At the robe shop you said your mum and dad differed about you coming to Hogwarts.”
“Actually step-dad, he adopted me when Mum and he married. At first he was so nice but now sometimes….” Abruptly Kim changed the subject. “We best get dressed and head for dinner. I don’t mind being nude nearly as much when it’s just the two of us, but I’ll never be like you. I wish there had been another way around my Powerpuff Girls’ knickers problem.”
The author remembering that her dorm-mates shouldn't even know who the Powerpuff Girls are, or that they're not even age-inappropriate for an eleven-year-old anyway, might have worked better.
“There may have been if you had put on your bathrobe, but once you streaked to the bathroom naked the other girls sort of jumped to conclusions.”
Does Hogwarts even issue bathrobes? It's not a hotel, you know. And besides, none of them seem to think that she's a nudist anyway. Only a "tart", because that's the only insult they know.
Kim thought for a moment and then reached out and clutched Emily’s hand. “I dislike being nude, but given the choice between clothes and your friendship…” She hesitated briefly. “I’d spend the balance of my life starkers.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 31
Emily gave Kim a hug, “That won’t be necessary. Remember what was said on the train. “You don’t have to be nude to be my friend.” They hugged even tighter. “You sure you’ll be okay alone here tonight if I spend the evening with my sisters.”
“A few days ago, I would have said no, but after rebounding that curse back at Bancroft the other night people treat me differently. It’s almost like they want to be my friend.”
“Amazing,” Emily said with a laugh. “Suddenly Slytherins have gotten excellent taste when it comes to choosing friends.”
They're actually being characterised as Slytherins here with how eager they are to latch onto someone they see as having power, which makes a nice change. Cut to Hermione fretting about her new dress in front of the Mirror of Ytidun.
“I’m confused,” the mirror responded. “I have been in existence now for nearly nine hundred year and served countless mistresses. You are one of the most beautiful women to have ever gazed into me, yet you seem ashamed of your attributes. Was not the purpose of that dress to expose your exquisiteness to Harry Potter in hope of sexually affecting him?”
“You, mirror, have a habit of over simplifying situations. Yes, I want to stimulate Harry. But in the process of rousing him I don’t want to expose myself to all of Hogsmeade and be charged with lewdness.”
And of course she's more concerned with how Harry and others will react to seeing her in it than whether she'd be comfortable herself. Because "my Hermione is independent". Yes, this is a direct quote.
“I can not envision anyone considering what I am currently reflecting as vulgar or profane, but should that be the case; isn’t that why you are wearing the wrap?”
English, please.
“I’ll try my best.” Harry said as he gave her a wink. “Are you sure you want to wear that shawl? It’s not at all cool tonight and nary a breeze blowing.”
Harry Potter does not talk like this. Really.
After they disembarked their carriage in front of the Hogsmeade Inn, Hermione glanced back at the creature harnessed to its front. “Remember when we couldn’t see them?” she asked Harry.
Including Hogwarts Exposed, where the carriages appeared many times with no mention of the Thestrals pulling them. Because, of course, it was written before Order of the Phoenix.
“Yes,” he responded as he took her hand. “That was certainty a more innocent time. Much has changed since
"... Order of the Phoenix came out."
Hermione saw a tear develop in Harry’s steely green eyes as he said, “I love you, Mione.
*snarl*
My life only started the day I met you and it will end if I ever lose you.”
Yay codependency! Anyway, they have dinner and talk about how wonderful they are to each other, which hasn't quite been hammered home enough yet, pausing only for an author insertion rant about service in restaurants. No, I'm not kidding:
“I so prefer magical restaurants over their muggle counterparts,” Hermione commented.
“Why is that?” Harry asked. “I’ve had many appetizing meals in muggle restaurants.”
“I’m referring more to the service than to the food itself,” Hermione responded. “In a muggle eating-place you either get a server who completely ignores you or one that incessantly bothers you. If you need a top-off of your beverage in a magical restaurant you just tell the glass and it’s refreshed.”
“You’re correct about muggle waiters. I think they hide in a corner watching, in anticipation of you taking a large bite of food. Then they come running to ask how everything is when your mouth is too full to answer. Speaking of drinks what would you like?”
“I think I’ll just have water,” Hermione said giving Harry a smile. “I’m conceiving tonight and I want a clear head so I can remember every moment.”
Every moment turns out to be a fade to black, which I'm usually more than fine with. Having just told us how wonderful sex is for a hyperempath, however, it might be worth actually showing us too. Or maybe this represents that disconnection business.
“You must have been frightened to death when you saw Matt was comatose and barely breathing.” Emily said as she and Caitlin reviewed the events of the day as they lay in bed.
It occurs to me that nothing has actually happened in this chapter. Not without a fade to black, anyway. It's just a whole bunch of talking.
“At first he was rather knocked for six,” Caitlin explained. He tried to thrust me aside and get up. I imagine he most wanted to put as much distance between him and me as he could. It was necessary for me to literally throw myself on top and wrap my arms around him to prevent him from running off.”
LITERALLY COUNT: 24
Emily giggled. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, but considering that you were nude some of that activity is rather erotic.”
Says the girl who's just finished explaining how nudity is completely nonsexual.
Caitlin was bursting to tell someone. She took a breath and began. “I was thinking, please Matt! Please don’t die! I’ll do anything! Anything you ask, but please don’t die!”
Emily’s look turned from concern to worry. “You had said that you would do anything if he didn’t die. And now that he was okay, he was asking if you meant it. Caitlin your word is gold, but anything takes in a lot of territory. He could have asked you to have sex.”
Because that's all anyone ever thinks about in this fic.
Caitlin turned crimson as Emily’s face turned white. “You didn’t?” She said in disbelief. “You guys are only twelve. I wouldn’t have expected Matt to ask that of you.”
Make your mind up already.
Emily listened in disbelief. Had her ‘sister’ actual broken wizardry law and had sexual intercourse at age twelve?
Thanks for spoiling the plot twist, such that it is, with your POV shift.
“Then Matt sat up and looked at me. I mean actually looked at me. You would have thought he had never seen me naked before. I never felt so nude and susceptible and at the same time so cherished and desired.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
I didn’t feel like a flat chested skinny little girl. The way he stared at me, and the look on his face made me feel loved and attractive.
“Matt started playing with my hair and then lightly kissing my face. He kissed me everywhere, my eyes, my ears, my nose, especially my mouth and cheeks. He said every part of me was beautiful. Then he started kissing my neck and then my shoulders and finally my….”
“Your breasts! My god you allowed him to kiss your breasts?” Emily said in disbelief.
“Initially he just kissed, but then he started to lick them with his tongue and finally gently sucked on them. Emily, my breasts are almost nonexistent so it must have been caused by my increased Hyperempath senses, but it drove me crazy. I actually started to get really moist down there.” Caitlin used her eyes to indicate where she meant. “I in fact think my body was getting ready to have intercourse.”
Emily was about to ask a question that’s answer would disappoint her whether affirmative or negative. She found the story, to this point captivating, but she was honestly disappointed that Caitlin had let things progress so far. “Did the two of you actually go all the way?” Emily asked. “Did you shag?”
This conversation has nowhere near enough giggling, blushing, awkward pauses and unusual euphemisms made up on the spot for kids that age talking about sex. Having said that, I'd find Hogwarts Exposed impossible to read (even for the sake of sporking) if they were actually believable as real kids. Bleurgh.
“No,” Caitlin said, sounding rather disappointed to Emily. “Matt suddenly gave me a kiss and after hugging me tightly jumped off the bed. He said he cared for me too much to ruin both our lives and he practically ran from the room.”
“I’m glad to hear that at least one of you had common sense enough to stop something that had already gone way too far,” Jamie roared angrily.
Who apparently just noclipped into the room, the way this reads.
Jamie was trying to calm herself, but thus far not succeeding. “You are aware that the international magical world’s age for consensual sex is fifteen? Anything prior to that is considered rape. If both parties are under age, neither is sent to Azkaban, but rather both taken from their now declared unfit parents and placed in a juvenile detention center until they are fifteen.
And what, precisely, does the wizarding world gain from doing this?
“The same way they know when we are born. Your names would all of a sudden appear in the offenders’ log. Within minutes enforcers would be dispatched. Often they arrive while the couple is still in the act.
So basically all this panic was over nothing, because if there'd been any question then they'd already have been locked up by the Ministry's elite peeping tom division.
You’d be immediately taken into custody, no hugs, no good byes, no collecting of belongings. Hermione and Harry would receive an owl telling what occurred. There is no trial, no appeal and no exceptions. Your name appearing in the log proves you were guilty.”
So much for due process.
The next chapter of Hogwarts Too Exposed seems to remember that there's supposed to be a plot, so for the first time we're shown the prophecy that the "Great One" and her minions are acting on. It's in the classic "when the full moon shines o'er the temple deep" vein that really doesn't fit the Potterverse, especially as this chapter was written once Order of the Phoenix was out and the author had no hesitation in retconning everything to fit it in there. And considering the size of Order of the Phoenix, that's a lot of retcon. The prophecy is all about bringing back Salazar Slytherin, who the Great One seems to think would actually approve of her idiotic antics.
From the blood of innocents four,
The Great Lord Slytherin’s spirit shall pour.
Two of his own, seer and heir,
Two of his enemies, healer and heir,
Two drops of each not any more,
With their death by his hand,
To his body he will be returned,
To walk the earth a mortal man,
But when Slytherin and Evil are joined,
Not even the Covenant will bring the result down.
All I can say is, good luck finding four innocents in the world of Hogwarts Exposed.
“But you’re the senior member of staff. Plus you’ve also known her longer. I feel you should be the one to break the news.”
”You don’t understand. She has a tendency to kill people who bring her upsetting news. She’s already given me one reprieve. There’s such a thing as pushing your luck.”
The door slammed as Emma Wrong entered the room. “And just what are you two squabbling about?” the Great One demanded.
“Nothing! Great One,” Damien lied as he cowered in the corner.
Do featureless planes even have corners?
“Madame Hooch. I’m pleased you decided to join our organization. How are you and Damien getting along?”
“Quite well,” Hooch said honestly.
As she's clearly lying from what we've seen, how is she saying it honestly? It doesn't help that I've no idea from whose POV I'm supposed to be seeing this array of talking heads.
“We share many mutual interests.”
“Are you referring to your shared love of torture and mutilation or your mutual fascination with Hermione Granger?” The Great One said nastily.
"Look at us, we're so evil! Mwahahaha!"
“I assure you that the only feelings I hold for Granger are those of betrayal and hatred.” Hooch said, snootily turning up her nose as if the mere discussion of the Hogwarts Professor offended her senses.
Apart from her sense of taste, of course.
“If that be the case then you and Damien most certainly don’t agree on everything. He is rather smitten with the Professor. If given the chance I’m sure he would love to test her arousal levels with his dip stick.”
I'm not convinced a witch would use a car engine metaphor, especially one who appears from what little we've been shown of her background and motivation to be a pureblood supremacist. But hey, why let consistent characterisation get in the way of juvenile sex jokes? Don't all ominous "bad guys plotting" scenes need those?
The Great One crossed the room and took Damien’s chin in her hand, lifting his head so she could look him directly in his eyes. “But Damien is a good soldier. If I ordered it, he would drive a stake through her groin to her chest without hesitation.
Hang on, isn't that what she was already talking about?
Would you do that for me?” She turned to Madam Hooch.
“With pleasure, Great One,” Hooch replied.
Only pausing to eat from her box of fried nipples which she got on special order from the local evil takeaway.
“And how do you feel about Potter and the Weasel? If I commanded would you strip the flesh from their writhing bodies?”
"I feel you enjoy your job a tad too much."
The Great One smiled. “I have enough hate for all of us. Soon when Salazar Slytherin joins us I will rule the world with you both as my lieutenants.
Really? You'll rule the world? Not, you know, one of the most powerful wizards in history who you've just returned from the dead?
The first item on our agenda will be the extremely slow and excruciating painful death of the Weasel and his annoying friends.”
She turned to Damien. “How is the amassing of the centaurs progressing?”
If you recall, her evil plot is to capture every centaur in the world. Goodness only knows where they're actually being amassed. They're villains, if their behaviour in this scene hadn't tipped you off, so they have no fear of logistics.
Damien looked toward Hooch, his expression practically begging her to answer the question. She ignored him. “The search has been canceled, Great One,” Damien said uneasily, sweat covering his brow.
“CANCELED! Under whose authority?” She shouted. The Great One was livid. She looked at Damien furiously. “I gave you back your life and this is how you show your appreciation. I should kill you here and now.”
And these bickering halfwits are supposed to be a greater threat to the wizarding world than Voldemort.
Damien dropped to his knees. “Please Great One, spare me. We have found a centaur that after some persuasion has agreed to help us.”
The Great One calmed slightly. “In the future, Damien, I recommend you give me the good news first.
Because what this scene really needs to be dramatic is a good-news-bad-news routine. That always works.
Damien slowly got to his feet. “One of the largest herds of centaur live in the Forbidden Forest next to Hogwarts, therefore Madam Hooch and I decided to begin our roundup there.
With HE!Snape a total wazzock and Harry and Hermione too concerned with each other and their brood of Sues, going around trying to capture centaurs right under the noses of the Hogwarts faculty might not be as suicidal an idea as it first seems.
However, the forest is extremely dense and the centaurs exceedingly good at concealing themselves. After three weeks of searching we hadn’t seen one centaur although we did come across some rather large spiders.”
Which unfortunately didn't eat them.
“As we were about ready to give up for the day, we stumbled upon a lone centaur. It was Firenze, the one that taught for a time at Hogwarts. He didn’t put up much of a fight, not much spirit left in him. The other centaurs had relented and allowed him to return to the forest, but he was still banned from the herd. He was rather sad and depressed.”
“Why the hell should I care how a mule feels?” The Great One shouted. “When did this happen? What have you learned? Why haven’t you told me all this sooner?”
If Wrong is as impatient as she's coming across in this scene, then by rights she should get herself killed trying to act on the prophecy before the appointed time. Then again, this is the kind of inconsistency you end up with when you get your baddies straight out of Central Casting.
“Oh! He decided to oblige,” Damien said. “Madam Hooch found this ingenious muggle device called a nut cracker. Firenze decided he’d rather not discover if it worked on more than just walnuts.”
Or, alternatively, I'm sure centaurs aren't immune to the Cruciatus curse. Damien's characterisation doesn't make any sense: he claimed in his monologue to Hermione in Exposed that he doesn't carry a wand because he likes to see people suffer, but if that's his only motivation then it's hard to imagine anything with a better effort-to-reward ratio than the Cruciatus curse. You just point your wand, say a short incantation and your victim suffers what is per canon the worst pain anyone can, no fartarsing around with things the author found on Wikipedia needed.
“Then he has been working on the prophecy?” The Great one asked elatedly.
“Yes, Damien answered, “but he advises against taking any steps until we secure the entire prophecy,”
Wait, so that bit we got at the beginning still isn't the full prophecy?
“I’m not looking for advice from a donkey; I’m looking for the names of the innocents. It could be years, maybe never before we find the balance of the prophecy.
Take a shot!
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 29
“He feels innocent refers to youth and having never had sexual intercourse,” Madam Hooch answered.
Well, of course it's going to involve sex. This is Hogwarts Exposed, after all.
“We’re probably talking children under age thirteen.
At least until Chapter 22.
“Then when his spirit kills the kids,” Damien added excitedly,
... pausing only to twirl his moustache.
“Stupid refuge from a glue factory.
Hogwarts Exposed is so bad that it doesn't even have lulzy quotes going for it, but I like this line far more than I should just because it looks so surreal out of context. Especially with the typo. Stupid refuge from a glue factory!
Of course, Evil refers to me. Who the hell else is ripping both the muggle and magical world apart with terrorism?”
I wasn't aware that she was doing that, considering how little we've seen of what she's been up to. Maybe there's a massive reign of terror going on and our "heroes" are just too self-centred to notice. Because I actually wouldn't put that past them. And people are about as likely to view themselves as terrorists as they are to view themselves as evil, which is to say not very.
Emma looked at both Hooch and Damien with repugnance. “I didn’t need a four-legged nag to tell me the information you’ve conveyed.
There seems to be a very subtle implication that Wrong isn't too fond of centaurs.
“Firenze is still charting the stars and trying to attach names. He is sure that ‘his own’ and ‘his enemies’ refers to Slytherin and Gryffindor houses,” Madam Hooch said, hoping the Great One would allow her to finish before screaming again.
Hogwarts houses are Serious Business™ in badfic-land.
That would mean that the seer is either in or will be in Slytherin and the healer is or will be a Gryffindor.”
It's Emily and Caitlin. Obvious twist is obvious.
“That means that heir refers to the heirs of Gryffindor and Slytherin. No one knows who the heir of Slytherin is
Yes, they really do.
although many people think its Draco Malfoy, but Potter is definitely the Heir of Gryffindor.
Since when?
The Great One leaned her head against the wall. This was not good news. Finally she turned to her lieutenants, her face colorless. “Some things we can control and others we can not.” Her voice actually sounded on the verge of tears.
Even the baddies in this fic spend half their lives crying.
“The wise person knows the difference.
And Wrong, from all we've seen of her, is anything but a wise person.
I’ll give orders to double our terror campaign.
Uh, twice zero is still zero.
Cut back to the Slytherin common room, where everyone's been standing around patiently waiting for the baddies they're unaware of to have their meeting before reacting to Dick the dick telling Emily and his own brother (!) to undress in front of the entire house. The Tethercat Principle is a harsh mistress.
“What do you mean change back here in front of everyone?” Tyler protested. “That wasn’t part of the challenge. I won’t do it.”
”In that case you have lost the challenge and I will pick two more names,” Dick said triumphantly.
“No!” We’ll do it,” Emily said with conviction.
Denise and Janice looked at each other in disbelief. Maybe somehow in that closet she had gotten Tyler to be a gentleman and turn his back. But how did she intend to hide her lack of undergarments here in the middle of the common room?
It's not occurred to whichever one of them is the POV character here that Emily might just not care. Why, again, are we supposed to see these complete idiots as a credible threat to anyone?
Emily was just ready to continue unbuttoning her shirt when Doris said, “Zacherley, you’re right. He is a lying, cheating bastard. Keep your clothes on. Dick, you are not a god. The committee wrote the rules and you don’t have the authority to change them. The initiation is over. All first years are now officially Slytherins.”
Dick’s was furious, he clenched his fists in anger, but he understood he had lost. He said nothing; just walked off in disgust.
Speaking of complete idiots who it's hard to see as a credible threat.
The first years cheered the end of the initiation as Doris ushered Emily and Tyler back into the closet.
Where Emily would remain until Chapter 22.
“She is the luckiest bitch alive,” Denise said angrily as her and Janice stomped off.
Her what and Janice?
“Yeah, sure” said Emily, not buying the flattery. “Why were you so reluctant to change out there? I was the one that would end up on display and you knew I wouldn’t consider it that big a deal.”
“But I did,” Tyler answered. “I’m the only guy in Slytherin house that has seen how terrific you look nude and I didn’t want to share that vision with the balance of the house.”
Smarmy git. Also:
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 30
Emily did something extremely out of character; she blushed.
Protip: when you actually have to tell us that someone's acting out of character, your characterisation sucks.
“Are you sure your Dick’s brother?
Why the difference between "your" and "you're" matters. *chortle*
“Mum, thank god your back!”
And again, though not quite as much as the last example.
Caitlin squealed as she ran into the room and flung her arms around Hermione. “It was awful.”
“What happened Honey?” Hermione said with concern as she wrapped her arms around Caitlin to comfort her.
“It was Matt. He was here and…”
Before she could complete her sentence, Hermione interrupted, her anger filling her voice. “Matt was here! The two of you were alone? If he hurt you in any way...”
Because boys are evil.
“No, Mum!” Caitlin shrieked. “It wasn’t Matt. He would never hurt me. It was me; I almost killed him.”
“You almost most killed him?” Hermione said in shock.
Jamie put her hand on Caitlin shoulder. “You’d never do something like that on purpose; you don’t have a mean bone in your body. Calm down and tell us what happened.”
They all seated themselves in the living area. Hermione sat on the couch next to Caitlin still holding the girl tightly to her. “Tell us exactly what happened,” Hermione instructed, extremely alarmed.
Is there an echo in here?
“Matt arrived about ten minutes after you guys left,” Caitlin said. “I was really bored so, of course, I was elated to see him.
This is how twelve-year-olds talk, you know.
I had just offered him a drink when I got an itch on my back. You know the kind that drives you crazy, but you can’t reach. I asked him to scratch it and he did.”
Jamie gave Caitlin a knowing glance, “I’m sure you had to twist his arm.”
Caitlin ignored Jamie and continued her story. “It felt great. You guys both know how I love having my back scratched.
Caitlin the cat.
When I told Matt how much I enjoyed it, he offered to scratch it for me.”
Hermione and Jamie exchanged quick looks, neither liking the direction this story seemed to be heading.
And nor do I. In fact, I didn't the first time.
Jamie and Hermione once again exchanged glances; they were both experiencing mixed emotions as they heard the story. Each was picturing themselves in similar situations, Hermione with Harry and Jamie with Alex. They knew exactly what she meant and how she felt. It was truly a wonderful sensation. Then they’d be jerked back to reality. Caitlin and Matt are only twelve.
They'd be forgiven for not remembering this, considering the way the supposed kids talk and behave.
“And then, I don’t know why, but I started to think of Madam Hooch; how she lied to me and how she hurt me both physically and mentally.
But mostly about the agony of the stick.
“Then I remembered the excruciating pain as she violated me with that broomstick.
Like so. This aspect of Caitlin's backstory just seems to have been pulled out of thin air: there was no sign of it in Exposed. I suppose it could explain why Caitlin doesn't like flying much, but I doubt the author gave the matter that much thought. And Hogwarts Exposed hardly needed any more overwrought grimderp schlock.
“It wasn’t your fault Caitlin,” Jamie said reassuringly.
This is why I've come to regard direct address without a comma as the Hogwarts Exposed manoeuvre.
“Was he eating anything? Something probably stuck in his throat. There’s no reason to connect your memories with what happened to Matt.”
Except that even this author wouldn't sink so low as to make it a simple coincidence. I hope.
“Caitlin, for the last time it wasn’t your fault,” Jamie said emphatically, now holding Caitlin’s hands in hers.
Even the other characters are getting sick of how repetitive this conversation is.
Without forewarning Hermione jumped from the chair, tears pouring out of her eyes.
Not entirely without forewarning. It's what Hermione does in this fic.
“No, it wouldn’t have been her fault if that innocent boy had died. It would have been mine. Mine for not telling you; not warning you.” Hermione stuttered, completely distraught at what had nearly occurred.
That doesn't look like distraught stuttering to me.
Hermione approached Caitlin and got on her knees in front of where the young girl was sitting. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Caitlin wiggled to the front of the chair and put her arms around Hermione neck. “Mum, it’s not your fault.” Caitlin looked at her Mum, an expression of trepidation and panic on her face. “Can I kill people in my sleep just by dreaming it?”
“No.” Hermione answered, tears streaking down her cheeks.
So she was crying before and now she's... still crying, I guess? Thanks for the reminder.
“But there are downsides to having Hyperempathic abilities and I should have explained them. I just….” Hermione tried to gain self-control.
Which canon!Hermione would have had no trouble doing. Hogwarts Exposed, however, was written by someone who hates fanfic where she's written as weak and needing Harry to save her all the time (an almost direct quote) which is why she's written as weak and needing Harry to save her all the time. Come to think of it, he's probably patting himself on the back for how he didn't resolve the Hermione kidnapping plot by having Harry burst in to save the day, completely missing the point of what was wrong with that part of the story.
Hermione gave Caitlin a weak smile. “Sometimes you make me wonder which of us the grownup is and which is the child.”
Especially when the child talks like a grownup.
As Caitlin took a sip of her butterbeer she said, “It feels strange to have the two of you sitting here clothed.”
On the one hand, this is the only fic not half-written by Kieran Halcyon where it actually needs to be established that the characters are wearing clothes. On the other, it hadn't been established that they were wearing clothes until she commented on it now, and it's quite reasonable to assume at this stage that none of them had been. Also, apparently Caitlin can speak an entire sentence whilst taking a sip of drink.
“At the moment you’re the priority young lady,” Hermione said as she squeezed Caitlin hand and tried to decide just how to start. “My Hyperempath ability first started to appear when I was sixteen; Madam Pomfrey tells me that is the normal age.
Which just happens to be the age she was after the then-latest book. On that basis, seventeen might have been better because her birthday is right at the beginning of the school year, and it would also tie into seventeen as the wizarding age of majority.
From that I assumed your gift would reach its different stages five years earlier than normal. Today proves my assumption totally incorrect.”
“It usually takes two years until your healing abilities reach full power. Yours already have and seem to greatly exceed those of most Hyperempaths. I knew that for a fact the night you healed my shoulder on the beach. Little is known about your telepathic abilities because they are extremely rare. It has been over two hundred years since there was a Hyperempath that could heal without touching the patient.”
Okay, who said that last paragraph? It can't have been Hermione because there was a close quote at the end of the previous one.
Caitlin and Jamie both listened intently as Hermione continued. “Our sense of feeling is far greater than normal magical people.”
“Do you mean emotionally or physically?” Jamie inquired.
“Physically,” Hermione answered.
Ah, Q&A exposition. How I've missed you.
“This has good and bad points. We have to learn to separate ourselves from feelings of pain. A minor cut, whilst certainly not life threatening, feels ten times as painful to a Hyperempath as to most magical people. If unable to separate from her body a female Hyperempath would be driven crazy by the pain of childbirth.”
“That’s sounds awful Jamie,” said cringing at the thought.
Yes, Jamie is pretty awful. Not quite as bad as Emily, but it's all relative.
“You say there is a good point?”
Hermione blushed as she always did when a discussion of sex took place.
Despite discussing sex earlier in this same scene without blushing.
“Jamie, you will soon be having relations with Alex for the first time. When you peak, that is reach your ultimate feeling of pleasure, imagine it being tens times stronger. All the touches all the caresses, ten times better.” Hermione turned a deep red. “Often it’s necessary to separate from your body because of the overwhelming pleasure.”
Which is why her only sex scene to date has been a bland exercise in "insert tab A into slot B" generiporn with absolutely no distinguishing features. For that matter, on the flipside we saw no evidence that she was any more affected by the torture in Exposed than an average person would be either.
Hermione took a deep breath before dropping the bomb.
It exploded and killed everyone. The End.
“Caitlin, a Hyperempath has the touch of life, if they turn to the dark side or experience extreme hate or anger, their touch can also hurt or kill. In your case, in time I believe you will have the ability to both heal and hurt with your thoughts, but only with a conscious thought.”
I've said before that dark!Caitlin would be an interesting plot development. I'm now more convinced that it would be and more convinced that it's not going to happen.
“I still can’t believe you actually did that,” Kim said as her and Emily studied together in the dorm.
HER WHAT AND EMILY? I can't tell whether this particular mistake is becoming more frequent, or whether I just noticed it once and now can't unsee it.
“He’d obviously never seen a naked girl before,” Emily said unflappably “So I let him look. I will admit that I was surprised when he got down on his knees to get a closer perspective. For a few moments I actually thought he was going to touch me.”
Kim eyes widen.
All your base are belong to us.
“What would you have done if he had?” Kim asked, horror-stricken, at the thought.
Emily laughed. “I might have kicked him where he never would have forgotten it or I just might have just left him touch me and done absolutely nothing. It depended on the touch.”
“I don’t understand, a touch there is wrong, period,” Kim asserted.
Which is an extremely unfortunate choice of words in the circumstances, especially as the punctuation mark at the end of a sentence is called a full stop over here.
As she reached for the other hand Kim started to ask her what she was doing, but Emily shushed her friend and started caressing the hand with her own. Ever so softly she moved her finger over the hand even caressing the wrist. Then she leaned over placed a few gentle kisses on the top of Kim’s hand before starting to suck on her finger.
Just in case anyone had forgotten why Emily is such a loathsome shitbag. Surely there are ways she could have made this same point without causing her supposed friend to do this:
Kim pulled her hand away in repulsion. “What are you doing? She hollered with dismay.
“Why didn’t you yell and jerk away when I touched your right hand?” Emily inquired.
“Because you seemed to be just examining it, but with my left… I felt like you were fondling me. Okay, Okay. I understand what you’re trying to demonstrate. I agree that there is a big difference between touching someone in curiosity and fondling them. But there is also a big difference between touching someone’s hand and touching someone down there.”
“Only because you’ve been taught that way. I don’t think any body parts are more important or sacred than others.
Apart from the ones that get focused on without fail EVERY FUCKING TIME A CHARACTER GETS NAKED IN HOGWARTS EXPOSED, you mean?
Emily shook her head. “Positively not. My Mum used to call me her little extremist nudist. Most naturists lead two lives sort of like a fictional super hero.
But without the costume.
They’re afraid to let friends and even family know they practice nudism. They dress to conform except when they visit a camp or when they are in the privacy of their own homes. If they get company, they’ll rush to cover themselves in fear that someone will learn the truth and ridicule them.”
Which has always happened whenever a character has been revealed to be a naturist in Hogwarts Exposed. Oh, wait, I meant "never".
“The way you think is so alien to me,” Kim said. She was trying to understand Emily’s viewpoint but found it difficult.
"This writing is ridiculously redundant," szaleniec1000 said. He found the writing to be ridiculously redundant.
Emily looked Kim straight in the eye. “I wish I could prove it to you tonight, but it would result in my causing others awkwardness and me more than likely being expelled.
Bah, like HE!Snape would actually expel someone. I mean, he didn't kick Dick Bancroft out for honest-to-goodness attempted murder.
Kim marveled at Emily attitude.
Yay, Emily's so great, yadda fucking yadda. Anyway, she recounts a story about going to the shop naked.
Kim’s jaw dropped as she looked at Emily in amazement. “You actually went to the grocery nude. How far was it from your home?”
“About four blocks and the streets were rather chock-full of activity.
Funny thing. When a typical town looks something like this:
... it turns out that the size of a city block isn't exactly a reliable and consistent measure of distance. Especially when you're talking to someone who's presumably from a different town, so isn't familiar with your local area. Not that we've ever been told which town Emily and her family were from, even when the story went there. She'd be more likely to give an approximate distance or say how long it took to walk.
It was fascinating to observe the reactions of people when they caught view of me. The men, obviously, were more supportive.
Because all men are paedophiles, apparently. Anyway, she goes to the shop and everyone thinks it's great that she's a nudist, because she lives in a world where nudists get ridiculed at the drop of a hat.
Mum was waiting for me at the door an extremely relieved expression on her face. She had spotted my coat and sneakers near the door and realized what I’d done.”
“Did you get punished?” Kim asked.
“Amazingly, no. Mum just hugged me extra long and told me how worried she had been. That’s when she gave me the title, extremist nudist.” Without warning, Emily burst into tears. “Mum and Dad were killed by a drunken muggle driver diabolus ex machina two days later.”
Fixed that for you.
Kim drew Emily close and gave her best friend a hug. “To lose one parent is awful, but to lose both at the same time,
... looks like carelessness.
“I don’t understand,” Emily said as she tried to regain her composure. “At the robe shop you said your mum and dad differed about you coming to Hogwarts.”
“Actually step-dad, he adopted me when Mum and he married. At first he was so nice but now sometimes….” Abruptly Kim changed the subject. “We best get dressed and head for dinner. I don’t mind being nude nearly as much when it’s just the two of us, but I’ll never be like you. I wish there had been another way around my Powerpuff Girls’ knickers problem.”
The author remembering that her dorm-mates shouldn't even know who the Powerpuff Girls are, or that they're not even age-inappropriate for an eleven-year-old anyway, might have worked better.
“There may have been if you had put on your bathrobe, but once you streaked to the bathroom naked the other girls sort of jumped to conclusions.”
Does Hogwarts even issue bathrobes? It's not a hotel, you know. And besides, none of them seem to think that she's a nudist anyway. Only a "tart", because that's the only insult they know.
Kim thought for a moment and then reached out and clutched Emily’s hand. “I dislike being nude, but given the choice between clothes and your friendship…” She hesitated briefly. “I’d spend the balance of my life starkers.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 31
Emily gave Kim a hug, “That won’t be necessary. Remember what was said on the train. “You don’t have to be nude to be my friend.” They hugged even tighter. “You sure you’ll be okay alone here tonight if I spend the evening with my sisters.”
“A few days ago, I would have said no, but after rebounding that curse back at Bancroft the other night people treat me differently. It’s almost like they want to be my friend.”
“Amazing,” Emily said with a laugh. “Suddenly Slytherins have gotten excellent taste when it comes to choosing friends.”
They're actually being characterised as Slytherins here with how eager they are to latch onto someone they see as having power, which makes a nice change. Cut to Hermione fretting about her new dress in front of the Mirror of Ytidun.
“I’m confused,” the mirror responded. “I have been in existence now for nearly nine hundred year and served countless mistresses. You are one of the most beautiful women to have ever gazed into me, yet you seem ashamed of your attributes. Was not the purpose of that dress to expose your exquisiteness to Harry Potter in hope of sexually affecting him?”
“You, mirror, have a habit of over simplifying situations. Yes, I want to stimulate Harry. But in the process of rousing him I don’t want to expose myself to all of Hogsmeade and be charged with lewdness.”
And of course she's more concerned with how Harry and others will react to seeing her in it than whether she'd be comfortable herself. Because "my Hermione is independent". Yes, this is a direct quote.
“I can not envision anyone considering what I am currently reflecting as vulgar or profane, but should that be the case; isn’t that why you are wearing the wrap?”
English, please.
“I’ll try my best.” Harry said as he gave her a wink. “Are you sure you want to wear that shawl? It’s not at all cool tonight and nary a breeze blowing.”
Harry Potter does not talk like this. Really.
After they disembarked their carriage in front of the Hogsmeade Inn, Hermione glanced back at the creature harnessed to its front. “Remember when we couldn’t see them?” she asked Harry.
Including Hogwarts Exposed, where the carriages appeared many times with no mention of the Thestrals pulling them. Because, of course, it was written before Order of the Phoenix.
“Yes,” he responded as he took her hand. “That was certainty a more innocent time. Much has changed since
"... Order of the Phoenix came out."
Hermione saw a tear develop in Harry’s steely green eyes as he said, “I love you, Mione.
*snarl*
My life only started the day I met you and it will end if I ever lose you.”
Yay codependency! Anyway, they have dinner and talk about how wonderful they are to each other, which hasn't quite been hammered home enough yet, pausing only for an author insertion rant about service in restaurants. No, I'm not kidding:
“I so prefer magical restaurants over their muggle counterparts,” Hermione commented.
“Why is that?” Harry asked. “I’ve had many appetizing meals in muggle restaurants.”
“I’m referring more to the service than to the food itself,” Hermione responded. “In a muggle eating-place you either get a server who completely ignores you or one that incessantly bothers you. If you need a top-off of your beverage in a magical restaurant you just tell the glass and it’s refreshed.”
“You’re correct about muggle waiters. I think they hide in a corner watching, in anticipation of you taking a large bite of food. Then they come running to ask how everything is when your mouth is too full to answer. Speaking of drinks what would you like?”
“I think I’ll just have water,” Hermione said giving Harry a smile. “I’m conceiving tonight and I want a clear head so I can remember every moment.”
Every moment turns out to be a fade to black, which I'm usually more than fine with. Having just told us how wonderful sex is for a hyperempath, however, it might be worth actually showing us too. Or maybe this represents that disconnection business.
“You must have been frightened to death when you saw Matt was comatose and barely breathing.” Emily said as she and Caitlin reviewed the events of the day as they lay in bed.
It occurs to me that nothing has actually happened in this chapter. Not without a fade to black, anyway. It's just a whole bunch of talking.
“At first he was rather knocked for six,” Caitlin explained. He tried to thrust me aside and get up. I imagine he most wanted to put as much distance between him and me as he could. It was necessary for me to literally throw myself on top and wrap my arms around him to prevent him from running off.”
LITERALLY COUNT: 24
Emily giggled. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, but considering that you were nude some of that activity is rather erotic.”
Says the girl who's just finished explaining how nudity is completely nonsexual.
Caitlin was bursting to tell someone. She took a breath and began. “I was thinking, please Matt! Please don’t die! I’ll do anything! Anything you ask, but please don’t die!”
Emily’s look turned from concern to worry. “You had said that you would do anything if he didn’t die. And now that he was okay, he was asking if you meant it. Caitlin your word is gold, but anything takes in a lot of territory. He could have asked you to have sex.”
Because that's all anyone ever thinks about in this fic.
Caitlin turned crimson as Emily’s face turned white. “You didn’t?” She said in disbelief. “You guys are only twelve. I wouldn’t have expected Matt to ask that of you.”
Make your mind up already.
Emily listened in disbelief. Had her ‘sister’ actual broken wizardry law and had sexual intercourse at age twelve?
Thanks for spoiling the plot twist, such that it is, with your POV shift.
“Then Matt sat up and looked at me. I mean actually looked at me. You would have thought he had never seen me naked before. I never felt so nude and susceptible and at the same time so cherished and desired.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
I didn’t feel like a flat chested skinny little girl. The way he stared at me, and the look on his face made me feel loved and attractive.
“Matt started playing with my hair and then lightly kissing my face. He kissed me everywhere, my eyes, my ears, my nose, especially my mouth and cheeks. He said every part of me was beautiful. Then he started kissing my neck and then my shoulders and finally my….”
“Your breasts! My god you allowed him to kiss your breasts?” Emily said in disbelief.
“Initially he just kissed, but then he started to lick them with his tongue and finally gently sucked on them. Emily, my breasts are almost nonexistent so it must have been caused by my increased Hyperempath senses, but it drove me crazy. I actually started to get really moist down there.” Caitlin used her eyes to indicate where she meant. “I in fact think my body was getting ready to have intercourse.”
Emily was about to ask a question that’s answer would disappoint her whether affirmative or negative. She found the story, to this point captivating, but she was honestly disappointed that Caitlin had let things progress so far. “Did the two of you actually go all the way?” Emily asked. “Did you shag?”
This conversation has nowhere near enough giggling, blushing, awkward pauses and unusual euphemisms made up on the spot for kids that age talking about sex. Having said that, I'd find Hogwarts Exposed impossible to read (even for the sake of sporking) if they were actually believable as real kids. Bleurgh.
“No,” Caitlin said, sounding rather disappointed to Emily. “Matt suddenly gave me a kiss and after hugging me tightly jumped off the bed. He said he cared for me too much to ruin both our lives and he practically ran from the room.”
“I’m glad to hear that at least one of you had common sense enough to stop something that had already gone way too far,” Jamie roared angrily.
Who apparently just noclipped into the room, the way this reads.
Jamie was trying to calm herself, but thus far not succeeding. “You are aware that the international magical world’s age for consensual sex is fifteen? Anything prior to that is considered rape. If both parties are under age, neither is sent to Azkaban, but rather both taken from their now declared unfit parents and placed in a juvenile detention center until they are fifteen.
And what, precisely, does the wizarding world gain from doing this?
“The same way they know when we are born. Your names would all of a sudden appear in the offenders’ log. Within minutes enforcers would be dispatched. Often they arrive while the couple is still in the act.
So basically all this panic was over nothing, because if there'd been any question then they'd already have been locked up by the Ministry's elite peeping tom division.
You’d be immediately taken into custody, no hugs, no good byes, no collecting of belongings. Hermione and Harry would receive an owl telling what occurred. There is no trial, no appeal and no exceptions. Your name appearing in the log proves you were guilty.”
So much for due process.