Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 21 part 4
The end of the chapter, at long last.
By the time they returned to Hogwarts the evening meal had already concluded, so Harry escorted everyone except Hermione to the kitchen for a snack. Hermione had insisted she wasn’t hungry and besides, wanted to update Severus on everything that had transpired.
Abrupt scene transitions are go!
After eating, Amanda, Alex and Tony headed for their dorms while Emily, Jamie and Caitlin followed Harry up to the teachers quarters. Hermione had arrived just moments earlier and met them at the door.
Here's what that paragraph would look like written by someone not trying to recreate the eldritch geometries of R'lyeh in prose form:
After they had eaten, Hermione arrived and met them at the door. Emily, Jamie and Caitlin followed her and Harry up to the teachers' quarters while Amanda, Alex and Tony headed for their dorms.
Notice how the events - dinner, Hermione's arrival and everyone retiring to their quarters - are now mentioned in the order in which they happen. This is generally a good idea, barring such things as flashbacks. I threw in the missing apostrophe for no extra charge.
“Harry, if you’ll help me, we have to do a little remodeling and expanding before the girls can settle in for the night.”
Caitlin looked excitedly at her mother. “Does that mean we’re all sleeping here tonight?”
“Yes. The headmaster has agreed to bend the rules for the next week.
Because "Severus" is so kind and supportive and friendly and quite frankly I don't see the point of even having Snape as the headmaster if his conflict with Harry and the others has been magically resolved offscreen.
Now. before we do anything we need to know which of you three get her own room and which two will share a room.”
The girls briefly just looked at each other before, surprisingly, Emily was the first to speak.
Surprisingly to whom? The POV has been ambiguous so far, which has worked fine for a simple description of events. However, now we're getting reactions we don't know whose head we're meant to be in.
“I don’t want to share a room with Jamie, she snores.”
“Do you really?” Caitlin asked.
Jamie blushed, uncomfortable that this was being discussed in front of Hermione and Harry.
Because this is such an uncomfortable topic next to standing naked in front of the entire Gryffindor house and telling them about your periods. Jamie, High Queen of TMI, is embarrassed by snoring.
Hermione pointed her wand at Caitlin’s bed as she did a duplication spell and suddenly there were two beds.
“Mum, isn’t it going to be rather crowded in here?”
“You’re right. It would make more sense to do the expansion spell before I create any more furniture.” Hermione waved her wand and suddenly the room expanded to nearly twice its size.
Emily remained quiet, but it was evident from her appearance that she was as impressed with Hermione’s magical abilities as were Jamie and Caitlin.
Again, evident to whom?
I doubt that Emily, Jamie and Caitlin, all of whom grew up around magic and (Jamie and Caitlin at least) are used to the malleable architecture of Hogwarts, would be unusually impressed at this display. If she wanted to demonstrate her prowess she could, I don't know, kill Voldemort. Frankly I'm surprised the author even acknowledged her role in that, given how much of a wuss he's turned her into, but whatever.
Once Hermione had conjured enough furniture to satisfy the girls’ needs, she called for Harry’s assistance.
“Harry, while I do Jamie’s room, will you arrange the furniture in here the way the girls desire?”
We're shown her calling for Harry's assistance, so there was no need to tell us as well.
Harry made a complete sweep of the room with his wand and suddenly every piece of furniture was floating, including a carrying case holding a very shocked Kneazle. “Okay girls, tell me where you want everything placed.” Caitlin and Emily both watched in astonishment as the furniture all circled the room until one by one Harry directed each piece to the location requested.
They're very easily amused.
“What say we get out of these miserable clothes?” Caitlin suggested to Emily.
Emily had a look of astonishment on her face.
So her expression is completely unchanged, given that she was already watching the breathtaking display of moving furniture with astonishment.
“Are we allowed? Do they actually allow you to be nude? Will it be okay with them if I am?”
“Emily, they are wonderful people. Why don’t you make an effort to give them a chance?”
Emily didn’t answer. She just frowned and started to remove her clothes. Once the two girls were bare, Caitlin asked if she could see Alfred.
“I’ll let him out of his cage, but I doubt he’ll let you near him. He’s nervous from the trip.”
A line of reported speech followed by a reply in direct speech is legit. It just looks jarring because the author is in the habit of giving us a line of reported speech followed by the same line in direct speech, as we saw above.
Alfred was barely out of his cage when he jumped to the top of the tallest piece of furniture in the room.
And which one would that be? You can't just say "piece of furniture" and expect us to know what you're talking about. I'm all for broad strokes, but making your readers play Twenty Questions is not good form.
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable.”
Neither girl answered; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
The room had been enlarged and a large bed was placed in the middle as a focal point. On one wall was a large closet, which faced a chest of drawers. Another wall hosted a mirrored dresser. Every other area of wall was covered with shelves bursting with books. A desk sat diagonally in one corner with a chair behind it.
This kind of thing is very easily done in a first draft when a writer is putting down ideas as they occur, but this is meant to have had three betas and presumably the author himself proofreading. At least, he's mentioned the concept of redrafting on Yahoo. We see the room through Caitlin's and/or Emily's eyes only after they've reacted to it. I can see the train of thought because I've been there myself: "Okay, they've entered the room. It's really cool and they say so. Wait, better put down a description." If I hadn't seen evidence via Yahoo postings of their existence, I'd honestly believe the betas were fictional and what we were reading was indeed a first draft, because I don't know how anyone can read that passage and not see a problem with it. Let's take a closer look:
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable.”
Neither girl answered; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
At this point they're just standing on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue because the room hasn't been described yet beyond a hint that it was awe-inspiring. The description should ideally go after Hermione's line, or even right at the beginning if she doesn't react straight away to their entrance and gives them time to notice everything. Not to mention the fact that Caitlin has spoken contradicts the statement that neither girl answered. Putting all this together, here's the reordered version:
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable,” she said.
The room had been enlarged and a large bed was placed in the middle as a focal point. On one wall was a large closet, which faced a chest of drawers. Another wall hosted a mirrored dresser. Every other area of wall was covered with shelves bursting with books. A desk sat diagonally in one corner with a chair behind it. Neither girl answered immediately; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
Here, the first thing the girls notice is Hermione smiling at them and addressing them, then they look around and are stunned at what they see. I'd also rework the description because we don't actually know how big the room is, just that it's bigger than it used to be.
Jamie smiled the first smile Caitlin had seen the entire day. “It did come out great, didn’t it? I love it as a bedroom, but at the same time it’s a functional office and library for Harry and Hermione.”
Emily looked strangely at Jamie, “You just called the professors by their first names?”
“Yes, I have their permission.”
Emily didn’t respond, but simply continued to look around the room.
Well, that reiteration of established characterisation went nowhere.
“Jamie, suppose you get ready for bed while Harry and I make some hot chocolate for all of us? Then we’ll all be off to bed,” Hermione said. “I intend to get back to my exercise program starting tomorrow.”
Jamie looked first at Harry and then at Hermione. “But I sleep in the nude.”
Harry looked tenderly at Jamie and smiled. “We know.
Don't we just.
Tears flooded Jamie’s eyes.
By now I picture everyone in this fic with permanently red eyes.
As Harry headed for the kitchen, Hermione reached out and took his hand in hers. “Mr. Potter, when I first walked into that train compartment and into your life did you ever think that 12 years later you would be marrying me and have a ready made family of three girls?”
Ah yes, the "did you ever think things would end up this way?" moment.
“I don’t know ‘Mione. I’m only sure of one thing.”
“And what is that Mr. Potter?”
"That nobody calls you Mione and I'm sorry I even said it."
Harry took Hermione in his arms. Electricity snapped through the air as their lips met.
That's a serviceable metaphor, but not in a world where magic exists and it could be literally true. One of the first rules of badfic is that if you're unsure whether a statement is meant to be literal or metaphorical, choose the path of greatest lulz. With that in mind, Harry and Hermione are a human Tesla coil in this scene.
Hermione pulled away. “Harry, the girls will be back soon. Will you be okay?”
“Do you mean after that kiss or because Jamie will be naked?”
“I was referring to Jamie, but now that you mention it, that kiss did leave me kind of weak.”
“I’ll be okay. I’ll just keep reminding myself that she is only fifteen.
They're remarkably casual about Harry possibly having the hots for the fifteen-year-old girl they live with. Someone call Social Services. Actually, I'm told that does happen later on.
It would be a lot easier if she were built like Caitlin.”
The fic seems to waver on this point: is he a paedophile as well as an ephebophile, which he's already been established as? Either way, he's got no business living with three underage girls.
“Harry!” Hermione responded in astonishment. “Don’t you ever let Caitlin hear you say anything like that!”
As if on cue, the girls made their way to the kitchen.
What do you mean, as if on cue? It's blatantly on cue.
Caitlin was awakened by the sound of crying.
That's probably a regular occurrence.
“Emily, would you like me to get Mum or Jamie?” Caitlin asked with sensitivity.
I think the fact that she's showing concern towards her already implies that she's being sensitive without us actually having to be told separately.
Caitlin got out of her bed and went over to Emily’s. Before Emily realized what was happening, Caitlin crawled under the cover and into bed next to Emily. “What are you doing?” Emily questioned harshly.
“In the orphanage, when one of us was sad and crying, another girl would crawl in bed and hold her; pretend they were her mother. We knew they weren’t, but it felt good to be held and know that someone cared about you.”
I really, really wish I didn't know what this scene is foreshadowing. I could probably already guess.
“That sounds silly,” Emily said sarcastically
She's directly stating what she thinks. That's absolutely how sarcasm works.
Continued...
By the time they returned to Hogwarts the evening meal had already concluded, so Harry escorted everyone except Hermione to the kitchen for a snack. Hermione had insisted she wasn’t hungry and besides, wanted to update Severus on everything that had transpired.
Abrupt scene transitions are go!
After eating, Amanda, Alex and Tony headed for their dorms while Emily, Jamie and Caitlin followed Harry up to the teachers quarters. Hermione had arrived just moments earlier and met them at the door.
Here's what that paragraph would look like written by someone not trying to recreate the eldritch geometries of R'lyeh in prose form:
After they had eaten, Hermione arrived and met them at the door. Emily, Jamie and Caitlin followed her and Harry up to the teachers' quarters while Amanda, Alex and Tony headed for their dorms.
Notice how the events - dinner, Hermione's arrival and everyone retiring to their quarters - are now mentioned in the order in which they happen. This is generally a good idea, barring such things as flashbacks. I threw in the missing apostrophe for no extra charge.
“Harry, if you’ll help me, we have to do a little remodeling and expanding before the girls can settle in for the night.”
Caitlin looked excitedly at her mother. “Does that mean we’re all sleeping here tonight?”
“Yes. The headmaster has agreed to bend the rules for the next week.
Because "Severus" is so kind and supportive and friendly and quite frankly I don't see the point of even having Snape as the headmaster if his conflict with Harry and the others has been magically resolved offscreen.
Now. before we do anything we need to know which of you three get her own room and which two will share a room.”
The girls briefly just looked at each other before, surprisingly, Emily was the first to speak.
Surprisingly to whom? The POV has been ambiguous so far, which has worked fine for a simple description of events. However, now we're getting reactions we don't know whose head we're meant to be in.
“I don’t want to share a room with Jamie, she snores.”
“Do you really?” Caitlin asked.
Jamie blushed, uncomfortable that this was being discussed in front of Hermione and Harry.
Because this is such an uncomfortable topic next to standing naked in front of the entire Gryffindor house and telling them about your periods. Jamie, High Queen of TMI, is embarrassed by snoring.
Hermione pointed her wand at Caitlin’s bed as she did a duplication spell and suddenly there were two beds.
“Mum, isn’t it going to be rather crowded in here?”
“You’re right. It would make more sense to do the expansion spell before I create any more furniture.” Hermione waved her wand and suddenly the room expanded to nearly twice its size.
Emily remained quiet, but it was evident from her appearance that she was as impressed with Hermione’s magical abilities as were Jamie and Caitlin.
Again, evident to whom?
I doubt that Emily, Jamie and Caitlin, all of whom grew up around magic and (Jamie and Caitlin at least) are used to the malleable architecture of Hogwarts, would be unusually impressed at this display. If she wanted to demonstrate her prowess she could, I don't know, kill Voldemort. Frankly I'm surprised the author even acknowledged her role in that, given how much of a wuss he's turned her into, but whatever.
Once Hermione had conjured enough furniture to satisfy the girls’ needs, she called for Harry’s assistance.
“Harry, while I do Jamie’s room, will you arrange the furniture in here the way the girls desire?”
We're shown her calling for Harry's assistance, so there was no need to tell us as well.
Harry made a complete sweep of the room with his wand and suddenly every piece of furniture was floating, including a carrying case holding a very shocked Kneazle. “Okay girls, tell me where you want everything placed.” Caitlin and Emily both watched in astonishment as the furniture all circled the room until one by one Harry directed each piece to the location requested.
They're very easily amused.
“What say we get out of these miserable clothes?” Caitlin suggested to Emily.
Emily had a look of astonishment on her face.
So her expression is completely unchanged, given that she was already watching the breathtaking display of moving furniture with astonishment.
“Are we allowed? Do they actually allow you to be nude? Will it be okay with them if I am?”
“Emily, they are wonderful people. Why don’t you make an effort to give them a chance?”
Emily didn’t answer. She just frowned and started to remove her clothes. Once the two girls were bare, Caitlin asked if she could see Alfred.
“I’ll let him out of his cage, but I doubt he’ll let you near him. He’s nervous from the trip.”
A line of reported speech followed by a reply in direct speech is legit. It just looks jarring because the author is in the habit of giving us a line of reported speech followed by the same line in direct speech, as we saw above.
Alfred was barely out of his cage when he jumped to the top of the tallest piece of furniture in the room.
And which one would that be? You can't just say "piece of furniture" and expect us to know what you're talking about. I'm all for broad strokes, but making your readers play Twenty Questions is not good form.
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable.”
Neither girl answered; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
The room had been enlarged and a large bed was placed in the middle as a focal point. On one wall was a large closet, which faced a chest of drawers. Another wall hosted a mirrored dresser. Every other area of wall was covered with shelves bursting with books. A desk sat diagonally in one corner with a chair behind it.
This kind of thing is very easily done in a first draft when a writer is putting down ideas as they occur, but this is meant to have had three betas and presumably the author himself proofreading. At least, he's mentioned the concept of redrafting on Yahoo. We see the room through Caitlin's and/or Emily's eyes only after they've reacted to it. I can see the train of thought because I've been there myself: "Okay, they've entered the room. It's really cool and they say so. Wait, better put down a description." If I hadn't seen evidence via Yahoo postings of their existence, I'd honestly believe the betas were fictional and what we were reading was indeed a first draft, because I don't know how anyone can read that passage and not see a problem with it. Let's take a closer look:
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable.”
Neither girl answered; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
At this point they're just standing on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue because the room hasn't been described yet beyond a hint that it was awe-inspiring. The description should ideally go after Hermione's line, or even right at the beginning if she doesn't react straight away to their entrance and gives them time to notice everything. Not to mention the fact that Caitlin has spoken contradicts the statement that neither girl answered. Putting all this together, here's the reordered version:
Hermione smiled as the two girls entered Jamie’s room. “I see that it didn’t take you two long to get comfortable,” she said.
The room had been enlarged and a large bed was placed in the middle as a focal point. On one wall was a large closet, which faced a chest of drawers. Another wall hosted a mirrored dresser. Every other area of wall was covered with shelves bursting with books. A desk sat diagonally in one corner with a chair behind it. Neither girl answered immediately; they were too in awe of Jamie’s room.
“Wow! I can’t believe what you did to this room,” Caitlin said as she stared in wonder.
Here, the first thing the girls notice is Hermione smiling at them and addressing them, then they look around and are stunned at what they see. I'd also rework the description because we don't actually know how big the room is, just that it's bigger than it used to be.
Jamie smiled the first smile Caitlin had seen the entire day. “It did come out great, didn’t it? I love it as a bedroom, but at the same time it’s a functional office and library for Harry and Hermione.”
Emily looked strangely at Jamie, “You just called the professors by their first names?”
“Yes, I have their permission.”
Emily didn’t respond, but simply continued to look around the room.
Well, that reiteration of established characterisation went nowhere.
“Jamie, suppose you get ready for bed while Harry and I make some hot chocolate for all of us? Then we’ll all be off to bed,” Hermione said. “I intend to get back to my exercise program starting tomorrow.”
Jamie looked first at Harry and then at Hermione. “But I sleep in the nude.”
Harry looked tenderly at Jamie and smiled. “We know.
Don't we just.
Tears flooded Jamie’s eyes.
By now I picture everyone in this fic with permanently red eyes.
As Harry headed for the kitchen, Hermione reached out and took his hand in hers. “Mr. Potter, when I first walked into that train compartment and into your life did you ever think that 12 years later you would be marrying me and have a ready made family of three girls?”
Ah yes, the "did you ever think things would end up this way?" moment.
“I don’t know ‘Mione. I’m only sure of one thing.”
“And what is that Mr. Potter?”
"That nobody calls you Mione and I'm sorry I even said it."
Harry took Hermione in his arms. Electricity snapped through the air as their lips met.
That's a serviceable metaphor, but not in a world where magic exists and it could be literally true. One of the first rules of badfic is that if you're unsure whether a statement is meant to be literal or metaphorical, choose the path of greatest lulz. With that in mind, Harry and Hermione are a human Tesla coil in this scene.
Hermione pulled away. “Harry, the girls will be back soon. Will you be okay?”
“Do you mean after that kiss or because Jamie will be naked?”
“I was referring to Jamie, but now that you mention it, that kiss did leave me kind of weak.”
“I’ll be okay. I’ll just keep reminding myself that she is only fifteen.
They're remarkably casual about Harry possibly having the hots for the fifteen-year-old girl they live with. Someone call Social Services. Actually, I'm told that does happen later on.
It would be a lot easier if she were built like Caitlin.”
The fic seems to waver on this point: is he a paedophile as well as an ephebophile, which he's already been established as? Either way, he's got no business living with three underage girls.
“Harry!” Hermione responded in astonishment. “Don’t you ever let Caitlin hear you say anything like that!”
As if on cue, the girls made their way to the kitchen.
What do you mean, as if on cue? It's blatantly on cue.
Caitlin was awakened by the sound of crying.
That's probably a regular occurrence.
“Emily, would you like me to get Mum or Jamie?” Caitlin asked with sensitivity.
I think the fact that she's showing concern towards her already implies that she's being sensitive without us actually having to be told separately.
Caitlin got out of her bed and went over to Emily’s. Before Emily realized what was happening, Caitlin crawled under the cover and into bed next to Emily. “What are you doing?” Emily questioned harshly.
“In the orphanage, when one of us was sad and crying, another girl would crawl in bed and hold her; pretend they were her mother. We knew they weren’t, but it felt good to be held and know that someone cared about you.”
I really, really wish I didn't know what this scene is foreshadowing. I could probably already guess.
“That sounds silly,” Emily said sarcastically
She's directly stating what she thinks. That's absolutely how sarcasm works.
Continued...