Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 11
In which there's a Halloween party and Harry thankfully doesn't accept Jamie's "gift".
Just then Jamie spied Tony Marburger approaching them from the opposite direction. He was unaccompanied. “Amanda, I want to thank Tony for what he did on Saturday. Do you want to come with me or join the others for breakfast?”
“I’ll go with you; it shouldn’t take that long. Besides, he’s kind of cute.”
Spoiler: they hook up.
”Can I believe my ears? Amanda Pierce just referred to a Slytherin as cute.”
Second-hand characterisation: we know that she apparently has a particular dislike for Slytherins because another character told us. Her characterisation to date can be summed up as "Sue's sidekick".
Amanda blushed as Jamie continued. “You’re right, actually he’s more than cutie; he’s a hunk.”
It's obvious that the only experience the author has with teenage girls is from watching TV. This makes the characterisation look very artificial, but is still a lot better than the alternative.
“Tony, I didn’t get a chance to thank you on Saturday. If you hadn’t hit Bancroft with that Bludger, I could have been killed.”
Yes, we know who to blame for the fic not ending on such a joyous note.
“Think nothing of it; it was my pleasure.
I love how natural the dialogue is.
Dick certainly lives up to his name, doesn’t he?
Oh, my poor aching sides.
I can’t believe I once hung out with that jerk. Besides, I owed you big time for what you did last winter.”
“I notice you’re alone. Is the balance of the house giving you a rough time because of what you did?
You mean the rest of the house. Or even just "the others" would be understood in this context.
Tony looked at Jamie with a big grin. “No, Jamie. Surprisingly most of them are treating me half decent. Oh! Don’t get me wrong, Bancroft and Crow hate my guts, but most of the others are being pretty decent.
We haven't yet met Crow (insert MST3K reference here) but I assume he's Bancroft's sidekick: the Amanda to his Jamie. Or I guess the Crabbe and/or Goyle to his Draco, except both of those are still better characterised than anyone in Hogwarts Exposed.
Slytherin house isn’t the same as it used to be. Not everyone hates Gryffindors, especially not you.”
All hail the magnificent Sue! Even the Slytherins love her!
Jamie blushed at the ‘especially not you’ comment. “I’m glad they haven’t banded together against you.”
As Jamie and Tony continued their conversation, Jamie realized Tony and Amanda kept glancing at each other. Of course, as soon as one saw the other looking, they turned away.
This is what passes for subtle character development in the author's mind.
Tony gave Amanda a big grin as she blushed deeply. “ I’d like to test the waters. Maybe the three up us can eliminate some of the prejudice between our two houses.”
Is that what they're calling it these days?
Jamie had expected someone to ask this question long before now. “Roderick Plumpton went to his grave maintaining that he meant to catch the Snitch in his sleeve and that it was no accident. Do you really think I was still concentrating on the Snitch? All I was trying to do was live to play another game. I had absolutely no idea what had flown into my sleeve. I was afraid it was something that would sting and I just wanted it out on my clothes.”
I guess this is supposed to allay people's fear that she's a Sue, that she didn't intentionally win the Quidditch game as she pulled off a seemingly impossible flying manoeuvre. I know from browsing the Yahoo group's archive that people were already raising the concern that she's a Sue. No word of a lie, the author justified it by saying she's supposed to represent the best of Harry and Hermione in one character. That means that, no matter what you do, she's a Sue by definition. He admitted to not really what a Sue is and why people find it annoying, and it really does show.
Amanda and Tony both laughed. “I can see why you have so many friends,” Tony said. “I’m proud to be one of them.”
Bleurgh!
In a few minutes Amanda entered the hall. Jamie noticed at once that she was as pallid as a ghost and was noticeably shivering. Meanwhile as Tony Marburger went to locate a place at the Slytherin table, he had a grin on his face that extended from ear to ear.
Jamie’s voice trembled with concern. “Amanda, are you okay? What did he do to you?”
I thought it'd been too long since we had a tasteless and dramatically irrelevant fake-out.
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. It’s just that… Jamie, he asked me to the Yule Ball.”
Alex, who had been sitting calmly feeding his face, suddenly jerked to awareness, practically spitting his food across the table as he virtually shouted, “Who? Who asked you to the Yule Ball? It’s two months away. Who would ask anyone this early?”
Alex is this chapter's voice of reason.
Jamie looked at Alex in alarm. “Alex, calm down; don’t shout. Everyone is looking at us.”
Well, almost.
“Tony Marburger,” was Amanda’s shy response.
“But he’s a Slytherin!” Alex retorted.
I can't blame him for grasping the conflict ball here because at the time this was written Harry, and the books written from his POV, really hadn't started seeing the world and the relation between the Hogwarts houses in shades of grey. The closest we had to a good Slytherin back then was Snape, whose true motivations and background had yet to be revealed in any detail. A lot of fans also missed the point of the limited POV and thought "Slytherin is bad" was an absolute truth of the world rather than a young boy's imperfect understanding of it, and those who didn't went too far in the other direction.
Amanda told a deep breath. “Jamie and I had stopped to speak with Tony so that she could express her gratitude to him for what he did on Saturday. He kept glancing at me as he talked to Jamie and I guess I sort of stared at him, too. As we were about to come in for breakfast he asked me to linger behind so that he might speak with me.”
This is a textbook example of where reported speech would work better than direct speech. When you read a novel and come across a sentence like "Alice told Bob what had just happened", that's not the author being lazy. They (and/or their editors) realise that reiterating a scene is unnecessary and condense that part of the dialogue down to a single sentence of reported speech so they can get on with the story.
Amanda looked toward Jamie. “He told me that he’d been trying to get up the nerve to talk to me since last year, but there were always so many people around. What with us being Gryffindor and Slytherin he didn’t have the nerve until this morning. He said it was probably ridiculously early to ask me, but he didn’t want to take the chance of anyone else getting to me first.”
Alex just stared as Jamie sighed. “He’s liked you since we were in forth year. How dreamy!
This is one of those tropes that works a lot better when you disregard basic human nature, though to be fair she is fifteen.
So, what did you say?”
“I was so nervous, but somehow I managed to say yes. He told me that he couldn’t put it into words how happy I had made him.
We expect heavy cliché sweeping in from the west.
Jamie didn’t blame Amanda for saying yes. She could see that her friend was attracted to Tony.
I think the fact that she described him as "kind of cute" (which in UK English still tends to refer more to things like kittens and teddybears than to lust objects, but whatever) rather gave that away.
It would have been foolish for her to say no. She also understood where Alex was coming from. She really loathed the whole concept of dating. She hated turning anyone down and hurting their feelings, yet she didn’t like the thought of having to say yes to the first guy that asked her either and possibly having a miserable time. It had been Jamie’s idea for the three of them to go together last year. That way no feelings got hurt and they danced with everyone during the evening.
Because she's just so perfect that way. Anyway they arrange it so that all four of them go to the ball:
Alex just shook his head, yes. It’s not a real date. We are just going as friends. So why is my stomach doing flip-flops at the thought of holding her when we dance?
Because you fancy her, Mister Self-Awareness.
“That does make the whole thing look creepier, but the way you guys transfigured the carpeting and all the furnishings. This place truly looks like a cemetery. I could have done without the repulsive spiders though. I ‘m not fond of spiders. Maybe some nice butterflies instead.”
+1 for the film reference, which also neatly establishes her as the "Ron" of the group by allusion. Alex and Jamie are of course Harry and Hermione, though which is which is ambiguous because she's meant to be both of them. Shame the characterisation isn't there for anyone, including Harry and Hermione themselves.
Just then Jamie entered through the portrait hole. “Wow! This is incredible. You really out did yourselves. Have Alex and the others returned from Hogsmeade with the butter beer yet?”
“No,” responded Amanda, “but they should be back soon. It was quite nice of Professor Potter to okay a pass so they could go to Hogsmeade for party necessities.”
We're getting expospeak about the party preparations. This is too much even for this most aptly named of fics.
Just then Caitlin interrupted their conversation. “We’re going to practically have the castle to ourselves tonight. A good part of the staff will be gone and those that will be here never much leave their quarters.”
“What do you mean Caitlin?” Jamie questioned.
“Shortly after last period I saw Professors Vector, Malfoy and Weasley along with the Headmaster get in carriages that headed for the train station. They’ll probably all be gone until Monday morning.”
And yet more.
“Which Professor Weasley?” Jamie asked.
“It is complicated with three of them, isn’t it? It was Virginia Weasley. I never see her brothers around here except for class. Charles seems to send all his time in that shack and Ron never eats breakfast or dinner here. He always heads to Hogsmeade after his last class.” Suddenly Caitlin had a sickened look on her face. “My Mum left a little while ago. She is having dinner with Professor Longbottom and then going to a concert.”
It seems that "Virginia" and Draco have put aside their differences, or that Snape is trying to help them do that. Whether this will get more than second-hand storytelling has yet to be seen, because after all Draco and Ginny aren't nudists.
Jamie had a look of astonishment on her face. “Does your mum fancy Professor Longbottom?”
“She says not and I believe her. They are just friends. He may want more then friendship, but Mum’s not interested. I think she likes Professor Potter. That book you gave me said that Mum and Professor Potter lost their virginity to each other.
The book was a fanfic.
I think she still fancies him.”
Caitlin the Harmonian.
“Oh, he likes her a lot. They are close friends, but unfortunately I don’t think his feelings go any further than friendship. If they do, he is very good at hiding it.”
They do, and Harry isn't what you'd call good at hiding his feelings. Anyway, Jamie does some navel-gazing in the dorm.
I adore Professor Granger. I can’t do anything that will hurt her. Yet I love Professor Potter and owe him so much. Do I ignore my debt and feelings for him on the chance that he might still have feelings for her? What if he doesn’t? Is that fair to him or I? Should I ignore what we could have because of what she wants, but may never have?
Perhaps she never stopped loving him. After all it was him that broke off the relationship. Maybe she only went to Ron Weasley on the rebound.
Hope you've got your Harmonian cliché bingo cards handy. She puts herself to sleep with all the internal monologue, and Alex comes marching straight into the girl's dorm (hello, klaxons and helter-skelter stairs?) to wake her up.
“I’ll take that as a complement. Actually I’m wearing those Wales Quidditch Robes.” She pointed to the robes lying on her dresser. “ Would you hand them to me.” Jamie sat up and slipped her shoes on her bare feet. She then stood and put the robes on that Alex handed her.
Alex looked on in astonishment. “Aren’t you going to wear anything under them?”
“No, the material is quite warm and the Common Room is really hot.”
“Well, be careful. The only thing that holds them shut is that sash.”
It's not even a surprise when they do indeed come off at the end of the chapter, because it's telegraphed so badly.
Jamie had come to the realisation that it didn’t matter what either her or Professor Granger sought. It only mattered what Professor Potter desired. His acceptance of her gift could happen in one of two ways. She hoped it wouldn’t be a one-night coupling, but if that were the case she would live with it without shame. She would have given her gift to the person who she felt most deserved it.
Because the only coupling that counts is someone's first. I've pointed out the incongruity of this attitude in this fic before, but it's not stopped bugging me.
If they actually became a couple, she would do everything in her power to make him never regret the decision. Hopefully Professor Granger would understand and they could continue a strong relationship.
Hermione would just love being rejected for a 15-year-old, after all. I'm not even going into how deeply wrong the idea of a teacher hooking up with his 15-year-old student is, because quite frankly I shouldn't need to.
She was also ready to except rejection because she realized that her being rejected could signal that Harry Potter still loved Hermione Granger. How could she be sad if her rejection might mean that the two people she cared for so much would end up together?
It was nine o’clock.
The abrupt tonal shift between exploring the innermost thoughts and conflicts of a disturbed teenager and telling the time of day is rather disorienting, and it's hard to figure out whether this was intentional or not.
Caitlin had been correct. Most of the staff was either out of the castle or in their quarters and because all the houses were having parties; the halls were empty. Jamie made it to Professor Potter’s room without seeing a soul; not even the ghosts were about.
Jamie took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
After a few moments the door swung open and there stood Harry Potter in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Without his robes he could have easily passed for a seventh year student.
This doesn't make it okay. (And, as seventh-year students wear robes themselves, isn't even accurate.)
His face wore quite a surprised _expression. “Miss Zacherley, what brings you to the teachers quarters. There is no problem in Gryffindor tower is there?”
“No, Professor. I have something important to discuss with you. Would it be possible for me to come in for a short time?”
Harry hesitated, wondering if it was quite proper for a male teacher to have a female student in his room.
To which the only proper answer is "not in a million years". I mean really. I've nothing in principle against telling a story about a secondary school student infatuated with their teacher, even from the student's perspective with all the rationalisation that must take place in situations like those, but here in the greater context of this particular fic it's never going to be anything other than disturbing.
If anyone saw her leave they might think something improper had occurred.
I wonder why.
Actually that suited Harry just fine. That probably meant that whatever Jamie wanted to say would take only a brief time. Harry didn’t know why, but Jamie made him rather edgy. Quite possibly it was the physical similarities between her and Hermione. “What is so important that it tore you away from the Halloween party? The Halloween feast and house party afterwards were always favorites of mine when I was a student.” Then Harry took notice of the robes Jamie was wearing. “Is that your costume for the evening? They are quite a good copy of the actual thing. The robes I wore in the England vs. Wales game in 1997 were quite similar.”
It's interesting that the author has Harry playing Quidditch for Wales rather than England, and refreshing enough that a fanfic writer actually realises that the UK has more than one constituent country. I just wish it wasn't buried in this godforsaken scene.
“Actually what I want to talk about started back on August 15, 1981, my parents, in reality my parents to be, were captured in a Death Eater raid and sent to one of Voldemort’s death camps. That is where they met and fell in love. It didn’t seem they would get to consummate that love because on October 31 they were told they would be put to death the next morning. They spent what they expected to be their last night on earth in each other’s arms praying for a miracle. That evening Voldemort’s curse rebounded off you. They were rescued and married two months later.”
Which I'm sure is very dramatic and everything, but what I really notice more than anything is her voice and how utterly unnatural it is. On reading this:
Sock Puppetry: When all characters speak in the voice of the surrounding prose
Many authors neglect to give their characters a voice which is distinct from the narrator's. This results in a seventy-year-old classics professor, a down-on-his-luck boxer out of Memphis, and a high-class hooker all using the same turns of phrase. Often, they're all speaking in exactly the same inappropriately formal and stilted voice, presumably meant to be literary.
... I can't help but wonder whether the authors of How Not To Write a Novel have themselves read Hogwarts Exposed, because it describes it perfectly. I see it a fair bit in fanfic, especially from writers who haven't quite grasped the fact that there's more to POV than first vs. third person, but this is the worst example I've seen. Indeed, voices and points of view are related issues in that both are aspects of characterisation: something that this fic is sorely lacking. The POV behaves itself compared to Deserving, but that's rather like saying that something is warmer than liquid helium.
“As I grew up I read everything I could about you. My favorite book is Harry Potter, a History.” Harry couldn’t believe his ears. He had promised to let Jamie finish and he would, but later he had to know more about that book. Exactly what was in it?
How does Harry not know by now that there's a book about him?
“My parents are great and I love them. They’ve taught me to respect others and myself. My father tells me I have a special ability. It’s the skill to be able to judge whether people are trustworthy or not.
Then why was she so worried that Tony might have done something inappropriate with Amanda if she could have read his intentions and seen him trustworthy?
“There was a day over six years ago when I thought I’d never have the opportunity to love or be loved. A horrible man was about to rape and kill me, but my Knight saved me.
A horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything.
"Tonight I’d like to return his robes and give him a gift, that I consider my most precious gift.
“If it weren’t you I would never have existed. If it weren’t for you I would have died a horrible death. You not only gave me my life, but you saved it. Please let me return your robes and give you my love.”
It all happened so fast Harry had no time to react. Totally engrossed in her story, Harry had only begun to realize that Jamie Zacherley was the same young girl he’d rescued six years ago when the vision of her naked immediately stopped all logical thought. It was a different part of his mind that switched into gear.
At least it was still part of his mind.
... I hate this fic.
Can this actually be that little girl? She is absolutely gorgeous; it’s like seeing Hermione for the first time all over again.
No. No, it really isn't.
“You aren’t that little girl anymore. And it would be so easy to take advantage of your offer,
Not for anyone who was professional and, you know, not an ephebophile.
but I’m not that sort of person.”
Sanity reasserts itself.
Harry couldn’t help but notice that as Jamie took a step back, the robe he’d slung around her shoulders parted at the center giving his eyes yet another view of her ample body.
Or at least I thought it had. Anyway, the rest of the scene is about Jamie trying to convince Harry that in fact she's all for him hooking up with Hermione. He's suitably shocked that the fact that he lost his virginity with her is in a book. There's a long internal monologue as she goes back to Gryffindor Tower, and when she gets there:
She had to stop right inside because a couple was passing close by and she wanted to inconspicuously tighten the sash before proceeding. Unfortunately Jamie was not aware that she had stopped with the bottom of her robs and the sash still hanging outside the picture.
The transfigured spider hanging above the opening picked this very time to slide down its web and land on Jamie’s hair.
Jamie screamed as she lunged forward and out of the Quidditch Robes.
We never saw that coming at all, did we? I like how the spider just happens to know the exact moment that it can fall down and startle someone who's got her robes caught in the door and is naked underneath, like it's some kind of eight-legged deus ex machina. Of course, had it been anyone other than Miss "I'd run around naked all the time if I could!" there might have been a bit more impact. She's just going to be like, okay, I've got nothing on, so what?
Continued...
Just then Jamie spied Tony Marburger approaching them from the opposite direction. He was unaccompanied. “Amanda, I want to thank Tony for what he did on Saturday. Do you want to come with me or join the others for breakfast?”
“I’ll go with you; it shouldn’t take that long. Besides, he’s kind of cute.”
Spoiler: they hook up.
”Can I believe my ears? Amanda Pierce just referred to a Slytherin as cute.”
Second-hand characterisation: we know that she apparently has a particular dislike for Slytherins because another character told us. Her characterisation to date can be summed up as "Sue's sidekick".
Amanda blushed as Jamie continued. “You’re right, actually he’s more than cutie; he’s a hunk.”
It's obvious that the only experience the author has with teenage girls is from watching TV. This makes the characterisation look very artificial, but is still a lot better than the alternative.
“Tony, I didn’t get a chance to thank you on Saturday. If you hadn’t hit Bancroft with that Bludger, I could have been killed.”
Yes, we know who to blame for the fic not ending on such a joyous note.
“Think nothing of it; it was my pleasure.
I love how natural the dialogue is.
Dick certainly lives up to his name, doesn’t he?
Oh, my poor aching sides.
I can’t believe I once hung out with that jerk. Besides, I owed you big time for what you did last winter.”
“I notice you’re alone. Is the balance of the house giving you a rough time because of what you did?
You mean the rest of the house. Or even just "the others" would be understood in this context.
Tony looked at Jamie with a big grin. “No, Jamie. Surprisingly most of them are treating me half decent. Oh! Don’t get me wrong, Bancroft and Crow hate my guts, but most of the others are being pretty decent.
We haven't yet met Crow (insert MST3K reference here) but I assume he's Bancroft's sidekick: the Amanda to his Jamie. Or I guess the Crabbe and/or Goyle to his Draco, except both of those are still better characterised than anyone in Hogwarts Exposed.
Slytherin house isn’t the same as it used to be. Not everyone hates Gryffindors, especially not you.”
All hail the magnificent Sue! Even the Slytherins love her!
Jamie blushed at the ‘especially not you’ comment. “I’m glad they haven’t banded together against you.”
As Jamie and Tony continued their conversation, Jamie realized Tony and Amanda kept glancing at each other. Of course, as soon as one saw the other looking, they turned away.
This is what passes for subtle character development in the author's mind.
Tony gave Amanda a big grin as she blushed deeply. “ I’d like to test the waters. Maybe the three up us can eliminate some of the prejudice between our two houses.”
Is that what they're calling it these days?
Jamie had expected someone to ask this question long before now. “Roderick Plumpton went to his grave maintaining that he meant to catch the Snitch in his sleeve and that it was no accident. Do you really think I was still concentrating on the Snitch? All I was trying to do was live to play another game. I had absolutely no idea what had flown into my sleeve. I was afraid it was something that would sting and I just wanted it out on my clothes.”
I guess this is supposed to allay people's fear that she's a Sue, that she didn't intentionally win the Quidditch game as she pulled off a seemingly impossible flying manoeuvre. I know from browsing the Yahoo group's archive that people were already raising the concern that she's a Sue. No word of a lie, the author justified it by saying she's supposed to represent the best of Harry and Hermione in one character. That means that, no matter what you do, she's a Sue by definition. He admitted to not really what a Sue is and why people find it annoying, and it really does show.
Amanda and Tony both laughed. “I can see why you have so many friends,” Tony said. “I’m proud to be one of them.”
Bleurgh!
In a few minutes Amanda entered the hall. Jamie noticed at once that she was as pallid as a ghost and was noticeably shivering. Meanwhile as Tony Marburger went to locate a place at the Slytherin table, he had a grin on his face that extended from ear to ear.
Jamie’s voice trembled with concern. “Amanda, are you okay? What did he do to you?”
I thought it'd been too long since we had a tasteless and dramatically irrelevant fake-out.
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. It’s just that… Jamie, he asked me to the Yule Ball.”
Alex, who had been sitting calmly feeding his face, suddenly jerked to awareness, practically spitting his food across the table as he virtually shouted, “Who? Who asked you to the Yule Ball? It’s two months away. Who would ask anyone this early?”
Alex is this chapter's voice of reason.
Jamie looked at Alex in alarm. “Alex, calm down; don’t shout. Everyone is looking at us.”
Well, almost.
“Tony Marburger,” was Amanda’s shy response.
“But he’s a Slytherin!” Alex retorted.
I can't blame him for grasping the conflict ball here because at the time this was written Harry, and the books written from his POV, really hadn't started seeing the world and the relation between the Hogwarts houses in shades of grey. The closest we had to a good Slytherin back then was Snape, whose true motivations and background had yet to be revealed in any detail. A lot of fans also missed the point of the limited POV and thought "Slytherin is bad" was an absolute truth of the world rather than a young boy's imperfect understanding of it, and those who didn't went too far in the other direction.
Amanda told a deep breath. “Jamie and I had stopped to speak with Tony so that she could express her gratitude to him for what he did on Saturday. He kept glancing at me as he talked to Jamie and I guess I sort of stared at him, too. As we were about to come in for breakfast he asked me to linger behind so that he might speak with me.”
This is a textbook example of where reported speech would work better than direct speech. When you read a novel and come across a sentence like "Alice told Bob what had just happened", that's not the author being lazy. They (and/or their editors) realise that reiterating a scene is unnecessary and condense that part of the dialogue down to a single sentence of reported speech so they can get on with the story.
Amanda looked toward Jamie. “He told me that he’d been trying to get up the nerve to talk to me since last year, but there were always so many people around. What with us being Gryffindor and Slytherin he didn’t have the nerve until this morning. He said it was probably ridiculously early to ask me, but he didn’t want to take the chance of anyone else getting to me first.”
Alex just stared as Jamie sighed. “He’s liked you since we were in forth year. How dreamy!
This is one of those tropes that works a lot better when you disregard basic human nature, though to be fair she is fifteen.
So, what did you say?”
“I was so nervous, but somehow I managed to say yes. He told me that he couldn’t put it into words how happy I had made him.
We expect heavy cliché sweeping in from the west.
Jamie didn’t blame Amanda for saying yes. She could see that her friend was attracted to Tony.
I think the fact that she described him as "kind of cute" (which in UK English still tends to refer more to things like kittens and teddybears than to lust objects, but whatever) rather gave that away.
It would have been foolish for her to say no. She also understood where Alex was coming from. She really loathed the whole concept of dating. She hated turning anyone down and hurting their feelings, yet she didn’t like the thought of having to say yes to the first guy that asked her either and possibly having a miserable time. It had been Jamie’s idea for the three of them to go together last year. That way no feelings got hurt and they danced with everyone during the evening.
Because she's just so perfect that way. Anyway they arrange it so that all four of them go to the ball:
Alex just shook his head, yes. It’s not a real date. We are just going as friends. So why is my stomach doing flip-flops at the thought of holding her when we dance?
Because you fancy her, Mister Self-Awareness.
“That does make the whole thing look creepier, but the way you guys transfigured the carpeting and all the furnishings. This place truly looks like a cemetery. I could have done without the repulsive spiders though. I ‘m not fond of spiders. Maybe some nice butterflies instead.”
+1 for the film reference, which also neatly establishes her as the "Ron" of the group by allusion. Alex and Jamie are of course Harry and Hermione, though which is which is ambiguous because she's meant to be both of them. Shame the characterisation isn't there for anyone, including Harry and Hermione themselves.
Just then Jamie entered through the portrait hole. “Wow! This is incredible. You really out did yourselves. Have Alex and the others returned from Hogsmeade with the butter beer yet?”
“No,” responded Amanda, “but they should be back soon. It was quite nice of Professor Potter to okay a pass so they could go to Hogsmeade for party necessities.”
We're getting expospeak about the party preparations. This is too much even for this most aptly named of fics.
Just then Caitlin interrupted their conversation. “We’re going to practically have the castle to ourselves tonight. A good part of the staff will be gone and those that will be here never much leave their quarters.”
“What do you mean Caitlin?” Jamie questioned.
“Shortly after last period I saw Professors Vector, Malfoy and Weasley along with the Headmaster get in carriages that headed for the train station. They’ll probably all be gone until Monday morning.”
And yet more.
“Which Professor Weasley?” Jamie asked.
“It is complicated with three of them, isn’t it? It was Virginia Weasley. I never see her brothers around here except for class. Charles seems to send all his time in that shack and Ron never eats breakfast or dinner here. He always heads to Hogsmeade after his last class.” Suddenly Caitlin had a sickened look on her face. “My Mum left a little while ago. She is having dinner with Professor Longbottom and then going to a concert.”
It seems that "Virginia" and Draco have put aside their differences, or that Snape is trying to help them do that. Whether this will get more than second-hand storytelling has yet to be seen, because after all Draco and Ginny aren't nudists.
Jamie had a look of astonishment on her face. “Does your mum fancy Professor Longbottom?”
“She says not and I believe her. They are just friends. He may want more then friendship, but Mum’s not interested. I think she likes Professor Potter. That book you gave me said that Mum and Professor Potter lost their virginity to each other.
The book was a fanfic.
I think she still fancies him.”
Caitlin the Harmonian.
“Oh, he likes her a lot. They are close friends, but unfortunately I don’t think his feelings go any further than friendship. If they do, he is very good at hiding it.”
They do, and Harry isn't what you'd call good at hiding his feelings. Anyway, Jamie does some navel-gazing in the dorm.
I adore Professor Granger. I can’t do anything that will hurt her. Yet I love Professor Potter and owe him so much. Do I ignore my debt and feelings for him on the chance that he might still have feelings for her? What if he doesn’t? Is that fair to him or I? Should I ignore what we could have because of what she wants, but may never have?
Perhaps she never stopped loving him. After all it was him that broke off the relationship. Maybe she only went to Ron Weasley on the rebound.
Hope you've got your Harmonian cliché bingo cards handy. She puts herself to sleep with all the internal monologue, and Alex comes marching straight into the girl's dorm (hello, klaxons and helter-skelter stairs?) to wake her up.
“I’ll take that as a complement. Actually I’m wearing those Wales Quidditch Robes.” She pointed to the robes lying on her dresser. “ Would you hand them to me.” Jamie sat up and slipped her shoes on her bare feet. She then stood and put the robes on that Alex handed her.
Alex looked on in astonishment. “Aren’t you going to wear anything under them?”
“No, the material is quite warm and the Common Room is really hot.”
“Well, be careful. The only thing that holds them shut is that sash.”
It's not even a surprise when they do indeed come off at the end of the chapter, because it's telegraphed so badly.
Jamie had come to the realisation that it didn’t matter what either her or Professor Granger sought. It only mattered what Professor Potter desired. His acceptance of her gift could happen in one of two ways. She hoped it wouldn’t be a one-night coupling, but if that were the case she would live with it without shame. She would have given her gift to the person who she felt most deserved it.
Because the only coupling that counts is someone's first. I've pointed out the incongruity of this attitude in this fic before, but it's not stopped bugging me.
If they actually became a couple, she would do everything in her power to make him never regret the decision. Hopefully Professor Granger would understand and they could continue a strong relationship.
Hermione would just love being rejected for a 15-year-old, after all. I'm not even going into how deeply wrong the idea of a teacher hooking up with his 15-year-old student is, because quite frankly I shouldn't need to.
She was also ready to except rejection because she realized that her being rejected could signal that Harry Potter still loved Hermione Granger. How could she be sad if her rejection might mean that the two people she cared for so much would end up together?
It was nine o’clock.
The abrupt tonal shift between exploring the innermost thoughts and conflicts of a disturbed teenager and telling the time of day is rather disorienting, and it's hard to figure out whether this was intentional or not.
Caitlin had been correct. Most of the staff was either out of the castle or in their quarters and because all the houses were having parties; the halls were empty. Jamie made it to Professor Potter’s room without seeing a soul; not even the ghosts were about.
Jamie took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
After a few moments the door swung open and there stood Harry Potter in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Without his robes he could have easily passed for a seventh year student.
This doesn't make it okay. (And, as seventh-year students wear robes themselves, isn't even accurate.)
His face wore quite a surprised _expression. “Miss Zacherley, what brings you to the teachers quarters. There is no problem in Gryffindor tower is there?”
“No, Professor. I have something important to discuss with you. Would it be possible for me to come in for a short time?”
Harry hesitated, wondering if it was quite proper for a male teacher to have a female student in his room.
To which the only proper answer is "not in a million years". I mean really. I've nothing in principle against telling a story about a secondary school student infatuated with their teacher, even from the student's perspective with all the rationalisation that must take place in situations like those, but here in the greater context of this particular fic it's never going to be anything other than disturbing.
If anyone saw her leave they might think something improper had occurred.
I wonder why.
Actually that suited Harry just fine. That probably meant that whatever Jamie wanted to say would take only a brief time. Harry didn’t know why, but Jamie made him rather edgy. Quite possibly it was the physical similarities between her and Hermione. “What is so important that it tore you away from the Halloween party? The Halloween feast and house party afterwards were always favorites of mine when I was a student.” Then Harry took notice of the robes Jamie was wearing. “Is that your costume for the evening? They are quite a good copy of the actual thing. The robes I wore in the England vs. Wales game in 1997 were quite similar.”
It's interesting that the author has Harry playing Quidditch for Wales rather than England, and refreshing enough that a fanfic writer actually realises that the UK has more than one constituent country. I just wish it wasn't buried in this godforsaken scene.
“Actually what I want to talk about started back on August 15, 1981, my parents, in reality my parents to be, were captured in a Death Eater raid and sent to one of Voldemort’s death camps. That is where they met and fell in love. It didn’t seem they would get to consummate that love because on October 31 they were told they would be put to death the next morning. They spent what they expected to be their last night on earth in each other’s arms praying for a miracle. That evening Voldemort’s curse rebounded off you. They were rescued and married two months later.”
Which I'm sure is very dramatic and everything, but what I really notice more than anything is her voice and how utterly unnatural it is. On reading this:
Sock Puppetry: When all characters speak in the voice of the surrounding prose
Many authors neglect to give their characters a voice which is distinct from the narrator's. This results in a seventy-year-old classics professor, a down-on-his-luck boxer out of Memphis, and a high-class hooker all using the same turns of phrase. Often, they're all speaking in exactly the same inappropriately formal and stilted voice, presumably meant to be literary.
... I can't help but wonder whether the authors of How Not To Write a Novel have themselves read Hogwarts Exposed, because it describes it perfectly. I see it a fair bit in fanfic, especially from writers who haven't quite grasped the fact that there's more to POV than first vs. third person, but this is the worst example I've seen. Indeed, voices and points of view are related issues in that both are aspects of characterisation: something that this fic is sorely lacking. The POV behaves itself compared to Deserving, but that's rather like saying that something is warmer than liquid helium.
“As I grew up I read everything I could about you. My favorite book is Harry Potter, a History.” Harry couldn’t believe his ears. He had promised to let Jamie finish and he would, but later he had to know more about that book. Exactly what was in it?
How does Harry not know by now that there's a book about him?
“My parents are great and I love them. They’ve taught me to respect others and myself. My father tells me I have a special ability. It’s the skill to be able to judge whether people are trustworthy or not.
Then why was she so worried that Tony might have done something inappropriate with Amanda if she could have read his intentions and seen him trustworthy?
“There was a day over six years ago when I thought I’d never have the opportunity to love or be loved. A horrible man was about to rape and kill me, but my Knight saved me.
A horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything.
"Tonight I’d like to return his robes and give him a gift, that I consider my most precious gift.
“If it weren’t you I would never have existed. If it weren’t for you I would have died a horrible death. You not only gave me my life, but you saved it. Please let me return your robes and give you my love.”
It all happened so fast Harry had no time to react. Totally engrossed in her story, Harry had only begun to realize that Jamie Zacherley was the same young girl he’d rescued six years ago when the vision of her naked immediately stopped all logical thought. It was a different part of his mind that switched into gear.
At least it was still part of his mind.
... I hate this fic.
Can this actually be that little girl? She is absolutely gorgeous; it’s like seeing Hermione for the first time all over again.
No. No, it really isn't.
“You aren’t that little girl anymore. And it would be so easy to take advantage of your offer,
Not for anyone who was professional and, you know, not an ephebophile.
but I’m not that sort of person.”
Sanity reasserts itself.
Harry couldn’t help but notice that as Jamie took a step back, the robe he’d slung around her shoulders parted at the center giving his eyes yet another view of her ample body.
Or at least I thought it had. Anyway, the rest of the scene is about Jamie trying to convince Harry that in fact she's all for him hooking up with Hermione. He's suitably shocked that the fact that he lost his virginity with her is in a book. There's a long internal monologue as she goes back to Gryffindor Tower, and when she gets there:
She had to stop right inside because a couple was passing close by and she wanted to inconspicuously tighten the sash before proceeding. Unfortunately Jamie was not aware that she had stopped with the bottom of her robs and the sash still hanging outside the picture.
The transfigured spider hanging above the opening picked this very time to slide down its web and land on Jamie’s hair.
Jamie screamed as she lunged forward and out of the Quidditch Robes.
We never saw that coming at all, did we? I like how the spider just happens to know the exact moment that it can fall down and startle someone who's got her robes caught in the door and is naked underneath, like it's some kind of eight-legged deus ex machina. Of course, had it been anyone other than Miss "I'd run around naked all the time if I could!" there might have been a bit more impact. She's just going to be like, okay, I've got nothing on, so what?
Continued...