Deserving Chapter 34
Hope you all had a great Christmas. Turkey sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and Chapter 34 of Deserving.
Harry is being examined by the prison doctor. The author surpasses herself in this scene by not setting it at all.
“Harry you have no choice in the matter. You know that. Every convict has to be examined by a medi- witch,” said the Auror, who Harry thought may have been named Simon but couldn’t be too sure, as he unsuccessfully tried to get Harry to consent to the examination.
In medias res has its place, of course, but that place isn't here. ETA: and Harry isn't a convict, not having been convicted of anything.
“Patrick (yes, that was it; Simon was the one who giggled at anything vaguely obscene while Patrick was the more sensible one, still it was hard to physically tell them apart) you know I have my rights. I want *my* physician here, or there will be no medical examination,” said a determined Harry.
In which characterisation is so important it's relegated to a parenthetical aside that actually looks as though Harry's saying it out loud. Simon would be in stitches if he ever read Deserving.
“But Harry do you really think Madam Pomfrey is going to want to see you?”
That was exactly what Harry was banking on. If the department could not get his personal physician in three days, then they would have to submit all the paper work to have him examined without his consent. That could last another three days and by then he was hoping to be far away from that cell.
Harry, you magnificent bastard! :)
“Mr. Potter, you owe me an explanation,” said the cross Medi-witch as she entered his cell. “I have just been informed by your department that I am on record as being your personal physician. Correct me if I am wrong, but since you left Hogwarts as a student I have never seen you as a patient,” said the witch, trying her best not to raise her voice.
I can only assume this is Madam Pomfrey, because her entrance isn't accompanied by her name.
Harry couldn’t believe she was there. She was going to give it all away. He had struggled so hard to keep his secret but now it would all come to light.
Harry has a dark and presumably damaging medical secret. This plot seems to be taking a cue from the second season of The West Wing, except that was actually good. Given this author's relationship with drama, Harry's ailment isn't going to be anything significant. I see it being embarrassing but completely inconsequential to the bigger picture, like taking Viagra or something.
“Mr. Potter, is there something wrong? Are you not feeling well?” asked the witch, forgetting she was so upset with him and reaching out to feel his forehead. “You look pale,” she said as she whipped out her wand and the scanning began. It did not take her but a minute to see what he was concealing.
Oo-er!
“How long have you had this medical problem?” she asked trying to ease him.
“Is that important? Who are you going to tell?”
“Mr. Potter, I take my profession very seriously. I would never divulge a patient’s condition. I just don’t understand why you haven’t had Severus brew you a cure,” she asked with a puzzled frown.
Severus… brew him a cure? Could he do such a thing? Harry felt a dozen questions flood his mind. Severus was a master brewer. Of course he could cure him. Why didn’t he think of that? Everything was going to be alright as long as Poppy kept her word and did not reveal his condition.
Again, despite the fact that we have free access to both characters' POVs, we don't learn what the condition is yet.
He heard footsteps for the second time that afternoon. They weren’t Ron’s steps. Ron was upset with him and had not been back to see him. One day he would explain everything and Ron would understand.
Ron is once again being an OOC cock-weasel. I don't buy his characterisation in this fic at all. He's stuck with Harry through far worse than anything we've seen in Deserving - through a war that threatened the entire existence of the wizarding world - and the only times he faltered were down to his insecurity. Ron stood by Harry when he broke out the Unforgivables - canonically the worst thing anyone can do, and an interesting shade of grey to the war against Voldemort - so why's he all disapproving of his actions now? Anyway, Neville shows up:
“Snape! You’ve seen Snape? You have a message from him?” said Harry, letting down all his defenses.
“Yes, well, I do have a message from him, but I will warn you, it might not be the one you are expecting,” said Neville, not really wanting to hurt someone who had never done him any harm.
... and seems to be more sensible in this chapter. It's like he and Ron have a reverse idiot ball that they pass between each other.
“You almost killed Severus. He fears for his life. You can understand that can’t you? He needs to get away from you.
Neville, you lying bastard. I honestly don't know who to root for in Deserving, because the world is populated by complete fuckwits. Harry is an inconsistently characterised wanker, as are Ron, Hermione and Neville, Severus is just inconsistently characterised (and a wanker in a more literal sense, of course), Minerva, Sprout and Pomfrey seem to have morphed into three bitter old hags I half expect to see meeting up with an ambitious nobleman on a blasted heath, the kids are Gary Stus at best and downright creepy at worst, Millicent (where's she been when all this is going on?) is a Mary Sue, and then there are the actual villains. Kreacher is about as likeable as they get in this fic, which is worrying.
“DID HE TELL YOU THAT? Or are you assuming?” said Harry, all but holding back his rage.
Not very successfully, it seems.
Harry could not believe his ears but he knew Neville was not lying. He would not lie to him, that much Harry knew. He thought Snape knew the reasoning behind most of his actions, but apparently he had done it again. He had broken his prize possession. It seemed he always did: Hedwig, the mirror that Sirius had given him, his wand and now Snape. He had been able to fix his wand but he was not being given the opportunity to fix Snape and therefore he was leaving, abandoning him.
[...]
The court day came and Severus and Harry were before Madam Sprout. Harry was trying to look into Severus’ eyes but Severus was averting his. It seemed to be the story of Harry’s life. Every time he was a court the person that he depended on the most would not look him in the eyes.
I quite like the shout-outs to canon, even if it's too little too late.
“Madam Sprout, please allow me leave this room with my dignity held up high. Can I please get back only that which I have contributed? I believe my pension and a property left to me by my parents will be sufficient.”
Madam Sprout considered Severus’ words. She knew him to be a proud man.
“I see that there is a small treasure gifted by Hogwarts on your wedding night,” she said looking over her spectacles at the two men.
“It belongs to Snape,” jumped Harry.
This is quite possibly my favourite said bookism to date. I can't shake the image of Harry jumping up and down to vibrate the air or whatever to somehow produce words.
Harry had the distinct feeling that Severus would be getting his wish throughout the proceedings.
Yes, thanks for pre-empting your plot.
“Then there is the matter of Severus’ magic. As you know Mr. Potter, you are the only Guide that was given the option of giving or taking your Marked One’s magic.
"As you know, your father, the king..."
This was done because Mr. Snape is, after all, a war hero. It was assumed that you would give him his magic but alas you have failed to do the correct thing.
If this was so correct, why wasn't it enforced?
So I am hoping that you will do the right thing now and give Severus back his magic,” said Madam Sprout, digging her eyes into Harry.
But Harry was not about to be intimidated. He caught on to her slight of words. So… it was up to him to give Snape his magic and she had no control over it. He had all the control on that matter.
And I shouldn't be rooting for Harry here, but Deserving!Sprout is such an insufferably smug fucker I can't not.
“I will not give him back his wand nor his magic,” announced Harry, sending Sprout to her feet.
“MR. POTTER!”
She's taken a lead from Kingsley.
“Severus, you are entitled to your magic and I will not have a capricious BOY keep you from it,” said Sprout in a no-nonsense tone.
If the ALLCAPS OF DOOM are out, it's not a no-nonsense tone. The author still screws up dialogue tags even when she does manage to restrict herself to "said".
“What? Are you going to let him keep you away from your child also?”
“What?!” yelled Harry and Severus at the same time.
This isn't close-harmony conversation: it's a proper use of characters talking at the same time, the same obvious, simple interjection occurring to both of them. It's a far cry from having three or four characters recite entire paragraphs in unison.
“That is our second matter, custody of little Richard,” she said keeping her eyes on Harry.
Severus felt his heart skip a beat.
“Joint custody,” said Harry, not looking at Severus. “Richard will live with his Papa of course,” he added.
And of course everyone present knows who that is.
“I don’t think that prudent, Severus. I think a period of separation would be wise,” responded Sprout.
“Separations from my family?” croaked Harry.
“From Severus,” cleared Mona. “Your ex-husband,” she added for good measure.
Why the hell is Harry, who probably doesn't even know Sprout as Pomona, use her ridiculous excuse for a non-canonical pet name? And as Deserving already has a Mione (unfortunately) then having a Mona as well just gets confusing.
Harry listened to Snape’s arguments. Snape was fighting for their child’s rights. Snape would always do what was right when it came to Richard. Harry had allowed his thoughts to take him away from that wretched courtroom, but was brought back by the mallet falling and dictating sentence. They were divorced.
This is actually a decent bit of internal monologue, but pay attention to the underlined bit.
Patrick and Simon leaded Harry to the exciting floos and turned to leave. Harry was perplexed.
“Wait a second, what is going on? Are you letting me go?” Harry asked.
“You have had your day in court and you have been sentence has been dictated?” said Patrick as if this explained everything.
Why does Patrick word the description in exactly the same way as Harry's internal monologue? Is he psychic, or is the author sloppy?
Also: exciting Floo? Also also: no, I don't know why she doesn't capitalise words like "Floo", "Muggle" and spell incantations that should be, but unfailingly capitalises "wizarding world".
Harry crossed the floo into his sitting room. He could already feel the emptiness in his home. He had lost his family. He had broken the only thing that mattered to him and now Neville would have all that he cared for. Neville, Neville who had dodged the bullet of being the Chosen One.
Again, decent internal monologue.
He had not had to go through life fearing eminent death from the hands of a deranged wizard as Harry had.
Almost decent.
He felt the soft hand caress his hair.
“Harry,” said the soft voice of Dennis. “Please, Harry, come and sit on the sofa. That stone floor is very cold.”
Harry allowed himself to be guided to the sofa, but instead of sitting he laid his head on Dennis’ lap. Izzy began to caress his hair.
Wow, he's wasting no time is he?
I am a sucker when it comes to Richard. He had me reading three to five books before bedtime.
That's... a lot of books.
“Is is true what they are saying?” asked Dennis. “Is Madam Sprout really going to grant the fugitive Aurors amnesty? Will Sly actually be able to go back to his job and life? I knew that would be one of her first matters of business when she got elected. Now the Slytherins have an ally. They had been silent because of Singles’ apparent support but now with Madam…”
This is the strangest excuse for an infodump I've ever seen.
Harry could not bring himself to care. He was just grateful for Dennis’ ministration of his hair, which seemed to sooth him.
Okay, it's official. She's used the word "ministrations", which unfailingly indicates that Something is Going On. Try not to think about the fact that Dennis might still be underage. And as this is Harry's POV, there's no "seemed" about it: surely it either did or it didn't soothe him.
Severus felt a chill run through his body when he was left alone. He heard the popping noise of Kings’ house elf.
“Would you like Dilly to show you your room?” asked the little elf with a smile on her face.
“Yes, Please Dilly,” and followed the little bouncing elf to the guest room.
I can't read this without thinking of Susan the happy trotting elf.
But when he entered he immediately panicked.
“Where is Richard?”
“He is in the room with Nicky,” answered Draco as he entered the room.
Again with the incredibly convenient entrances.
“Professor, you know how well they get along. They love being together and it will be good for Richard to see this as a sleep over until he gets used to reality,” said Draco, losing volume as he realized that his words might bring the his professor to a reality he might not be ready to handle.
They love being together a bit too much for toddlers, from what we've seen.
“Papa!” exclaimed Richard, sitting upright on his bed and alerting Nicky to the adults’ presence. “I am going to be sleeping with Nicky for these many days,” he said holding up all five fingers.
See what I mean?
The two little boys
... had two little toys.
No sooner had he asked Kreacher had snapped out and back with nightgown and reading glasses in hand. Severus smiled his thank you. Goodbyes were said and soon Severus was alone again. He put on his nightgown and hugged himself in an attempt to stop the chill and hurt running through his soul.
This is overwrought prose where overwrought prose is actually appropriate, unlike many other examples from this fic.
Continued...
Harry is being examined by the prison doctor. The author surpasses herself in this scene by not setting it at all.
“Harry you have no choice in the matter. You know that. Every convict has to be examined by a medi- witch,” said the Auror, who Harry thought may have been named Simon but couldn’t be too sure, as he unsuccessfully tried to get Harry to consent to the examination.
In medias res has its place, of course, but that place isn't here. ETA: and Harry isn't a convict, not having been convicted of anything.
“Patrick (yes, that was it; Simon was the one who giggled at anything vaguely obscene while Patrick was the more sensible one, still it was hard to physically tell them apart) you know I have my rights. I want *my* physician here, or there will be no medical examination,” said a determined Harry.
In which characterisation is so important it's relegated to a parenthetical aside that actually looks as though Harry's saying it out loud. Simon would be in stitches if he ever read Deserving.
“But Harry do you really think Madam Pomfrey is going to want to see you?”
That was exactly what Harry was banking on. If the department could not get his personal physician in three days, then they would have to submit all the paper work to have him examined without his consent. That could last another three days and by then he was hoping to be far away from that cell.
Harry, you magnificent bastard! :)
“Mr. Potter, you owe me an explanation,” said the cross Medi-witch as she entered his cell. “I have just been informed by your department that I am on record as being your personal physician. Correct me if I am wrong, but since you left Hogwarts as a student I have never seen you as a patient,” said the witch, trying her best not to raise her voice.
I can only assume this is Madam Pomfrey, because her entrance isn't accompanied by her name.
Harry couldn’t believe she was there. She was going to give it all away. He had struggled so hard to keep his secret but now it would all come to light.
Harry has a dark and presumably damaging medical secret. This plot seems to be taking a cue from the second season of The West Wing, except that was actually good. Given this author's relationship with drama, Harry's ailment isn't going to be anything significant. I see it being embarrassing but completely inconsequential to the bigger picture, like taking Viagra or something.
“Mr. Potter, is there something wrong? Are you not feeling well?” asked the witch, forgetting she was so upset with him and reaching out to feel his forehead. “You look pale,” she said as she whipped out her wand and the scanning began. It did not take her but a minute to see what he was concealing.
Oo-er!
“How long have you had this medical problem?” she asked trying to ease him.
“Is that important? Who are you going to tell?”
“Mr. Potter, I take my profession very seriously. I would never divulge a patient’s condition. I just don’t understand why you haven’t had Severus brew you a cure,” she asked with a puzzled frown.
Severus… brew him a cure? Could he do such a thing? Harry felt a dozen questions flood his mind. Severus was a master brewer. Of course he could cure him. Why didn’t he think of that? Everything was going to be alright as long as Poppy kept her word and did not reveal his condition.
Again, despite the fact that we have free access to both characters' POVs, we don't learn what the condition is yet.
He heard footsteps for the second time that afternoon. They weren’t Ron’s steps. Ron was upset with him and had not been back to see him. One day he would explain everything and Ron would understand.
Ron is once again being an OOC cock-weasel. I don't buy his characterisation in this fic at all. He's stuck with Harry through far worse than anything we've seen in Deserving - through a war that threatened the entire existence of the wizarding world - and the only times he faltered were down to his insecurity. Ron stood by Harry when he broke out the Unforgivables - canonically the worst thing anyone can do, and an interesting shade of grey to the war against Voldemort - so why's he all disapproving of his actions now? Anyway, Neville shows up:
“Snape! You’ve seen Snape? You have a message from him?” said Harry, letting down all his defenses.
“Yes, well, I do have a message from him, but I will warn you, it might not be the one you are expecting,” said Neville, not really wanting to hurt someone who had never done him any harm.
... and seems to be more sensible in this chapter. It's like he and Ron have a reverse idiot ball that they pass between each other.
“You almost killed Severus. He fears for his life. You can understand that can’t you? He needs to get away from you.
Neville, you lying bastard. I honestly don't know who to root for in Deserving, because the world is populated by complete fuckwits. Harry is an inconsistently characterised wanker, as are Ron, Hermione and Neville, Severus is just inconsistently characterised (and a wanker in a more literal sense, of course), Minerva, Sprout and Pomfrey seem to have morphed into three bitter old hags I half expect to see meeting up with an ambitious nobleman on a blasted heath, the kids are Gary Stus at best and downright creepy at worst, Millicent (where's she been when all this is going on?) is a Mary Sue, and then there are the actual villains. Kreacher is about as likeable as they get in this fic, which is worrying.
“DID HE TELL YOU THAT? Or are you assuming?” said Harry, all but holding back his rage.
Not very successfully, it seems.
Harry could not believe his ears but he knew Neville was not lying. He would not lie to him, that much Harry knew. He thought Snape knew the reasoning behind most of his actions, but apparently he had done it again. He had broken his prize possession. It seemed he always did: Hedwig, the mirror that Sirius had given him, his wand and now Snape. He had been able to fix his wand but he was not being given the opportunity to fix Snape and therefore he was leaving, abandoning him.
[...]
The court day came and Severus and Harry were before Madam Sprout. Harry was trying to look into Severus’ eyes but Severus was averting his. It seemed to be the story of Harry’s life. Every time he was a court the person that he depended on the most would not look him in the eyes.
I quite like the shout-outs to canon, even if it's too little too late.
“Madam Sprout, please allow me leave this room with my dignity held up high. Can I please get back only that which I have contributed? I believe my pension and a property left to me by my parents will be sufficient.”
Madam Sprout considered Severus’ words. She knew him to be a proud man.
“I see that there is a small treasure gifted by Hogwarts on your wedding night,” she said looking over her spectacles at the two men.
“It belongs to Snape,” jumped Harry.
This is quite possibly my favourite said bookism to date. I can't shake the image of Harry jumping up and down to vibrate the air or whatever to somehow produce words.
Harry had the distinct feeling that Severus would be getting his wish throughout the proceedings.
Yes, thanks for pre-empting your plot.
“Then there is the matter of Severus’ magic. As you know Mr. Potter, you are the only Guide that was given the option of giving or taking your Marked One’s magic.
"As you know, your father, the king..."
This was done because Mr. Snape is, after all, a war hero. It was assumed that you would give him his magic but alas you have failed to do the correct thing.
If this was so correct, why wasn't it enforced?
So I am hoping that you will do the right thing now and give Severus back his magic,” said Madam Sprout, digging her eyes into Harry.
But Harry was not about to be intimidated. He caught on to her slight of words. So… it was up to him to give Snape his magic and she had no control over it. He had all the control on that matter.
And I shouldn't be rooting for Harry here, but Deserving!Sprout is such an insufferably smug fucker I can't not.
“I will not give him back his wand nor his magic,” announced Harry, sending Sprout to her feet.
“MR. POTTER!”
She's taken a lead from Kingsley.
“Severus, you are entitled to your magic and I will not have a capricious BOY keep you from it,” said Sprout in a no-nonsense tone.
If the ALLCAPS OF DOOM are out, it's not a no-nonsense tone. The author still screws up dialogue tags even when she does manage to restrict herself to "said".
“What? Are you going to let him keep you away from your child also?”
“What?!” yelled Harry and Severus at the same time.
This isn't close-harmony conversation: it's a proper use of characters talking at the same time, the same obvious, simple interjection occurring to both of them. It's a far cry from having three or four characters recite entire paragraphs in unison.
“That is our second matter, custody of little Richard,” she said keeping her eyes on Harry.
Severus felt his heart skip a beat.
“Joint custody,” said Harry, not looking at Severus. “Richard will live with his Papa of course,” he added.
And of course everyone present knows who that is.
“I don’t think that prudent, Severus. I think a period of separation would be wise,” responded Sprout.
“Separations from my family?” croaked Harry.
“From Severus,” cleared Mona. “Your ex-husband,” she added for good measure.
Why the hell is Harry, who probably doesn't even know Sprout as Pomona, use her ridiculous excuse for a non-canonical pet name? And as Deserving already has a Mione (unfortunately) then having a Mona as well just gets confusing.
Harry listened to Snape’s arguments. Snape was fighting for their child’s rights. Snape would always do what was right when it came to Richard. Harry had allowed his thoughts to take him away from that wretched courtroom, but was brought back by the mallet falling and dictating sentence. They were divorced.
This is actually a decent bit of internal monologue, but pay attention to the underlined bit.
Patrick and Simon leaded Harry to the exciting floos and turned to leave. Harry was perplexed.
“Wait a second, what is going on? Are you letting me go?” Harry asked.
“You have had your day in court and you have been sentence has been dictated?” said Patrick as if this explained everything.
Why does Patrick word the description in exactly the same way as Harry's internal monologue? Is he psychic, or is the author sloppy?
Also: exciting Floo? Also also: no, I don't know why she doesn't capitalise words like "Floo", "Muggle" and spell incantations that should be, but unfailingly capitalises "wizarding world".
Harry crossed the floo into his sitting room. He could already feel the emptiness in his home. He had lost his family. He had broken the only thing that mattered to him and now Neville would have all that he cared for. Neville, Neville who had dodged the bullet of being the Chosen One.
Again, decent internal monologue.
He had not had to go through life fearing eminent death from the hands of a deranged wizard as Harry had.
Almost decent.
He felt the soft hand caress his hair.
“Harry,” said the soft voice of Dennis. “Please, Harry, come and sit on the sofa. That stone floor is very cold.”
Harry allowed himself to be guided to the sofa, but instead of sitting he laid his head on Dennis’ lap. Izzy began to caress his hair.
Wow, he's wasting no time is he?
I am a sucker when it comes to Richard. He had me reading three to five books before bedtime.
That's... a lot of books.
“Is is true what they are saying?” asked Dennis. “Is Madam Sprout really going to grant the fugitive Aurors amnesty? Will Sly actually be able to go back to his job and life? I knew that would be one of her first matters of business when she got elected. Now the Slytherins have an ally. They had been silent because of Singles’ apparent support but now with Madam…”
This is the strangest excuse for an infodump I've ever seen.
Harry could not bring himself to care. He was just grateful for Dennis’ ministration of his hair, which seemed to sooth him.
Okay, it's official. She's used the word "ministrations", which unfailingly indicates that Something is Going On. Try not to think about the fact that Dennis might still be underage. And as this is Harry's POV, there's no "seemed" about it: surely it either did or it didn't soothe him.
Severus felt a chill run through his body when he was left alone. He heard the popping noise of Kings’ house elf.
“Would you like Dilly to show you your room?” asked the little elf with a smile on her face.
“Yes, Please Dilly,” and followed the little bouncing elf to the guest room.
I can't read this without thinking of Susan the happy trotting elf.
But when he entered he immediately panicked.
“Where is Richard?”
“He is in the room with Nicky,” answered Draco as he entered the room.
Again with the incredibly convenient entrances.
“Professor, you know how well they get along. They love being together and it will be good for Richard to see this as a sleep over until he gets used to reality,” said Draco, losing volume as he realized that his words might bring the his professor to a reality he might not be ready to handle.
They love being together a bit too much for toddlers, from what we've seen.
“Papa!” exclaimed Richard, sitting upright on his bed and alerting Nicky to the adults’ presence. “I am going to be sleeping with Nicky for these many days,” he said holding up all five fingers.
See what I mean?
The two little boys
... had two little toys.
No sooner had he asked Kreacher had snapped out and back with nightgown and reading glasses in hand. Severus smiled his thank you. Goodbyes were said and soon Severus was alone again. He put on his nightgown and hugged himself in an attempt to stop the chill and hurt running through his soul.
This is overwrought prose where overwrought prose is actually appropriate, unlike many other examples from this fic.
Continued...