Deserving Chapter 32
I noticed the summary (and body, from what little I've read) of one of her older stories left "wizarding world" uncapitalised, as it should be. I don't know where or why she picked up that lousy habit later on, but it rears its ugly head in this chapter too.
A/N So before we begin I have to fix a big mistake that I made last chapter.
Just the one?
I used the wrong word. Castration would only involve removing the testicles and Harry wants the whole bits removed so I am using Rickeshay’s word emasculation.
Credit where it's due and all that, but it's not by any means the only wrong word. I've not wanted for wrongworddammit fodder since I started this sporking, put it that way, and this one is a lot more obscure and to be honest a mistake I could have made myself. Of course she's not gone back and corrected it in the previous chapter, but in her defence the Uber-Pit's interface might not make that easy. I don't know.
Harry heard him coming from the moment he stepped on to the holding floor.
The little Mews were a giveaway.
He would recognize Ron’s footsteps any time of the day. They were sloppy footfalls that scruffed his shoes at the toe on the way down and close together like a tall man purposely shortening his stride even if there wasn’t anyone else around struggling to keep up. He got up to welcome Ron in hopes that he would get some information about Snape. He saw Ron walk right through the bars as every Auror in good standing can do. He remembered the day they were appointed, Ron must have walked through those bars a dozen times. But he wasn’t as estatic now as he was the first time they were allowed to do it. Harry could see it in Ron’s face. He meant business.
This is good description. The style seems to match the beta, from what we've seen. It's descriptive without being urple, and there's not a fucking epithet in sight.
Harry had to admit that Ron was probably right and he let his chin drop in defeat.
“Harry, we don’t mutilate those we love.”
“LOVE!” reacted Harry in a flash.
Ron understood immediately that he had over stepped a boundary. “Alright, we don’t mutilate members of our family. Harry, would you think it right for me to have Hermione’s breast removed?” corrected Ron, trying to keep Harry in his comfort level.
RON: I hate that you have breasts! I hate it! I hate that I'm married to someone who has breasts!
... no, can't see it somehow.
Ron saw as Harry stopped to think. You could see him looking into the possible paths that this present situation could lead too.
No, I couldn't. Get the hell out of my POV, author! The generic "you" is a device that needs to be used with care, and absolutely not when you're describing something a specific character sees at a specific time. Clue's in the word "generic".
“Harry, you do know that what they said about Crabbe is a lie.
I smell second thoughts and a hasty retcon.
His elf did save him but the other crap was just crap.”
Crappy crap is crappily crap.
There was no answer from Harry. “So back to Richard sensing when his dad is in danger.”
Harry explained the whole incident to Ron in detail.
I'm pleasantly surprised that the author doesn't just reiterate the entire subplot in dialogue, but leaves it at that.
“Madam Promfrey, please let me try it. It can’t hurt,” argued Neville.
“Mr. Longbottom, Severus Snape is my patient.”
“Yes, I know, but it has been used with coma patients for years in the Orient.”
“And I guess we British are in the dark ages.”
Neville has super-special-awesome Stu powers from the exotic and inscrutable East and uses them to... psychically proposition the teacher he's got a crush on. No, really:
Neville entered into the realm of Snape’s mind. He searched for Severus and found him in a glade in the midst of a white forest.
“Professor,” Neville called out, but Severus did not respond. He was looking at his reflection in the small pond.
“Professor Severus Snape, it’s me Neville, I have come to take you back.”
But Snape was still not moving. He didn’t seem to notice that Neville was there.
“Professor it’s alright, he can’t harm you anymore. He is locked up and he will not come out in a long time.”
Severus turned to look at Neville for the first time. “Who is locked up?”
“Harry, Harry Potter, he has been charged with attempted murder and he is headed for Azkaban.”
Severus looked incredulously at Neville. “Who’s murder?”
“Yours Professor and all the evidence is there. They will lock him up and you will be free. So you see Professor there is nothing to fear. Why don’t we go back? I can show you the way.”
He'll show you a lot more than the way if you give him half a chance. The dreamscape obviously symbolises Severus' Happy Place: the glade in the peaceful, tranquil Forbidden Forest complete with its beautiful wildlife.
Severus stood and followed Longbottom. Soon his eyes were opened and Poppy was fussing over him.
"His eyes were opened" implies that someone else opened them for him, and there's nothing in the actual description that makes it clear that he's back in the hospital wing.
“Poppy, where is he? I must see him. I must speak to him,” said Severus, trying to swat Poppy’s probing wand away.
Ooh, Matron!
“Poppy, it cannot be true. They would never arrest the savior of the Wizarding World, would they?”
They would. He's being held for reckless abuse of the shift key.
“Severus, he has been put away and he will never harm you again,” assured Poppy.
“But you do not understand, he did not mean to harm me. I can assure you this has all been a misunderstanding.”
Minerva and Kings walked in at that precise moment.
Impeccable timing there. It's like everyone in this fic is psychic.
“The emasculation potion is an illegal potion, it in itself grounds for imprisonment,” said Minerva, ending the conversation and turning to lead Kings and Poppy to her office.
I'd be interested to see the wording of that law.
“Richard, Where is Richard?”
They all turned. “He is with Dennis. It would have looked strange to leave him with Millicent and Sly. Remember they are not suppose to be there,” explained Kings.
Then Minerva hasn't ended the conversation, has she?
“Kreacher,” he whispered.
But the elf did not come.
“Kreacher,” he said a little louder but still no response.
“Kreacher!” but instead of Kreacher it was Ron who came to his bedside.
“Hi ya, Professor, how are you feeling?” said Ron with a sympathetic smile.
But Severus was still searching the room for signs of Kreacher.
Something tells me Kreacher might not be coming.
“Yeah, well, you see, my wife Hermione
As opposed to that other Hermione. It's very confusing.
has this tendency of learning from her enemies and she took a page from Single’s book and locked Kreacher up in a cage of ivy so he would not do anything stupid.
Hermione, protector of elvish welfare. At least he used her proper name.
Harry got to his feet as soon as he heard Ron’s footsteps. Ran passed the bars with a sad face. Harry braced himself to hear the worst.
“Ron?”
Silence for a couple of more seconds but then Ron took pity of Harry and smiled.
Took pity. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Harry’s actions flashed through his mind: entering Single’s office, punishing Snape in their bedroom, making him confront the mirror, giving birth without the birthing potions, castrating him the day after hhis first orgasm since the consummation of their marriage.
He didn't castrate him, or even emasculate him. He put on the "floss" of his own accord, and it wasn't the day after the physically impossible ejaculation/I HATE THAT YOU HAVE A COCK moment. By the way, the author forgot the bottled wanking. Unless she's going to retcon that out of existence too, and I can't say I'd blame her if that's the case.
“YOU DON’T GET IT! No one does.
Deserving: where adult!Harry is perpetually fifteen.
Ron took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “Sorry, Harry, you can’t ask me to help you if that entails hurting the professor. I just won’t do it,” said Ron as he excited through the bars.
I don't get Ron in this fic. Not one bit. He's stuck with Harry in canon through worse than anything in this fic. He's thrown the Cruciatus and Imperius curses around, albeit with extenuating circumstances, and Ron hasn't objected. The only thing Harry has done involving Unforgivables was completely forgotten in the recap.
“What do you mean he can’t be imprisoned?” questioned Minerva.
“Unless Professor Snape accuses him you don’t have a case?”
“But he had an illegal potion,” argued Kings.
“That’s just it. The potion is not illegal. No place in our legal books does it state that the potion is illegal.
Continuity? What's that?
“I am afraid it won’t amount to more than a slap on the hand. It being his first offence and tack on to that the fact that we are talking about Harry Potter…” explained the head Auror.
Minerva looked crossed.
Because Deserving!Minerva hates Harry. It's like the author hasn't read the books.
“We have other matters? Like what?” they said in unison.
Well rehearsed.
“You did not expect me to speak in front of them. They are after all his best friends.”
“Minerva, that friendship has been severely tried,” explained Poppy.
“Yes, well all the same I rather not let them in on our plan,” said the Headmistress almost to herself.
“Our plan?” asked the two lost occupants of her office.
“Yes, our plan. Hermione knows this legal loophole but Severus and Harry don’t. And Severus, well he believes he owes his life to Harry. So why not use this to his advantage.”
They're conspiring against Harry. I repeat, Minerva McGonagall and Poppy Pomfrey are hatching an honest-to-gods conspiracy against Harry Potter. It's not going to happen.
“Severus would do anything to keep Harry safe. A n y th ing…” spelled out the Headmistress.
The way this is written makes it look as though Minerva is literally spelling out the word "anything". We interrupt this implausible conspiracy for a spelling test.
Kings got the message. “If Severus believes that Harry is in danger of going to Azkaban he will do anything to prevent it.”
Read-back correct.
“Poppy do you forget who the new head of the Justice Department is?”
“Pomona, but what does that have to do with…”
“I am sure we can get Pomona Sprout to help us free Severus from Harry. She has always respected Severus’ work as he has hers,” explained Minerva.
Pomona Sprout, newly appointed/elected/whatever to the Ministry, who's become the head of the Justice Department in record time. It's certainly an interesting career move.
“Poppy, you go speak to Mona and Kingsley, make sure you keep Harry in prison as long as possible. Can you do that?”
"Mona" for Pomona Sprout is almost as bad as "Mione". Almost.
Continued...
A/N So before we begin I have to fix a big mistake that I made last chapter.
Just the one?
I used the wrong word. Castration would only involve removing the testicles and Harry wants the whole bits removed so I am using Rickeshay’s word emasculation.
Credit where it's due and all that, but it's not by any means the only wrong word. I've not wanted for wrongworddammit fodder since I started this sporking, put it that way, and this one is a lot more obscure and to be honest a mistake I could have made myself. Of course she's not gone back and corrected it in the previous chapter, but in her defence the Uber-Pit's interface might not make that easy. I don't know.
Harry heard him coming from the moment he stepped on to the holding floor.
The little Mews were a giveaway.
He would recognize Ron’s footsteps any time of the day. They were sloppy footfalls that scruffed his shoes at the toe on the way down and close together like a tall man purposely shortening his stride even if there wasn’t anyone else around struggling to keep up. He got up to welcome Ron in hopes that he would get some information about Snape. He saw Ron walk right through the bars as every Auror in good standing can do. He remembered the day they were appointed, Ron must have walked through those bars a dozen times. But he wasn’t as estatic now as he was the first time they were allowed to do it. Harry could see it in Ron’s face. He meant business.
This is good description. The style seems to match the beta, from what we've seen. It's descriptive without being urple, and there's not a fucking epithet in sight.
Harry had to admit that Ron was probably right and he let his chin drop in defeat.
“Harry, we don’t mutilate those we love.”
“LOVE!” reacted Harry in a flash.
Ron understood immediately that he had over stepped a boundary. “Alright, we don’t mutilate members of our family. Harry, would you think it right for me to have Hermione’s breast removed?” corrected Ron, trying to keep Harry in his comfort level.
RON: I hate that you have breasts! I hate it! I hate that I'm married to someone who has breasts!
... no, can't see it somehow.
Ron saw as Harry stopped to think. You could see him looking into the possible paths that this present situation could lead too.
No, I couldn't. Get the hell out of my POV, author! The generic "you" is a device that needs to be used with care, and absolutely not when you're describing something a specific character sees at a specific time. Clue's in the word "generic".
“Harry, you do know that what they said about Crabbe is a lie.
I smell second thoughts and a hasty retcon.
His elf did save him but the other crap was just crap.”
Crappy crap is crappily crap.
There was no answer from Harry. “So back to Richard sensing when his dad is in danger.”
Harry explained the whole incident to Ron in detail.
I'm pleasantly surprised that the author doesn't just reiterate the entire subplot in dialogue, but leaves it at that.
“Madam Promfrey, please let me try it. It can’t hurt,” argued Neville.
“Mr. Longbottom, Severus Snape is my patient.”
“Yes, I know, but it has been used with coma patients for years in the Orient.”
“And I guess we British are in the dark ages.”
Neville has super-special-awesome Stu powers from the exotic and inscrutable East and uses them to... psychically proposition the teacher he's got a crush on. No, really:
Neville entered into the realm of Snape’s mind. He searched for Severus and found him in a glade in the midst of a white forest.
“Professor,” Neville called out, but Severus did not respond. He was looking at his reflection in the small pond.
“Professor Severus Snape, it’s me Neville, I have come to take you back.”
But Snape was still not moving. He didn’t seem to notice that Neville was there.
“Professor it’s alright, he can’t harm you anymore. He is locked up and he will not come out in a long time.”
Severus turned to look at Neville for the first time. “Who is locked up?”
“Harry, Harry Potter, he has been charged with attempted murder and he is headed for Azkaban.”
Severus looked incredulously at Neville. “Who’s murder?”
“Yours Professor and all the evidence is there. They will lock him up and you will be free. So you see Professor there is nothing to fear. Why don’t we go back? I can show you the way.”
He'll show you a lot more than the way if you give him half a chance. The dreamscape obviously symbolises Severus' Happy Place: the glade in the peaceful, tranquil Forbidden Forest complete with its beautiful wildlife.
Severus stood and followed Longbottom. Soon his eyes were opened and Poppy was fussing over him.
"His eyes were opened" implies that someone else opened them for him, and there's nothing in the actual description that makes it clear that he's back in the hospital wing.
“Poppy, where is he? I must see him. I must speak to him,” said Severus, trying to swat Poppy’s probing wand away.
Ooh, Matron!
“Poppy, it cannot be true. They would never arrest the savior of the Wizarding World, would they?”
They would. He's being held for reckless abuse of the shift key.
“Severus, he has been put away and he will never harm you again,” assured Poppy.
“But you do not understand, he did not mean to harm me. I can assure you this has all been a misunderstanding.”
Minerva and Kings walked in at that precise moment.
Impeccable timing there. It's like everyone in this fic is psychic.
“The emasculation potion is an illegal potion, it in itself grounds for imprisonment,” said Minerva, ending the conversation and turning to lead Kings and Poppy to her office.
I'd be interested to see the wording of that law.
“Richard, Where is Richard?”
They all turned. “He is with Dennis. It would have looked strange to leave him with Millicent and Sly. Remember they are not suppose to be there,” explained Kings.
Then Minerva hasn't ended the conversation, has she?
“Kreacher,” he whispered.
But the elf did not come.
“Kreacher,” he said a little louder but still no response.
“Kreacher!” but instead of Kreacher it was Ron who came to his bedside.
“Hi ya, Professor, how are you feeling?” said Ron with a sympathetic smile.
But Severus was still searching the room for signs of Kreacher.
Something tells me Kreacher might not be coming.
“Yeah, well, you see, my wife Hermione
As opposed to that other Hermione. It's very confusing.
has this tendency of learning from her enemies and she took a page from Single’s book and locked Kreacher up in a cage of ivy so he would not do anything stupid.
Hermione, protector of elvish welfare. At least he used her proper name.
Harry got to his feet as soon as he heard Ron’s footsteps. Ran passed the bars with a sad face. Harry braced himself to hear the worst.
“Ron?”
Silence for a couple of more seconds but then Ron took pity of Harry and smiled.
Took pity. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Harry’s actions flashed through his mind: entering Single’s office, punishing Snape in their bedroom, making him confront the mirror, giving birth without the birthing potions, castrating him the day after hhis first orgasm since the consummation of their marriage.
He didn't castrate him, or even emasculate him. He put on the "floss" of his own accord, and it wasn't the day after the physically impossible ejaculation/I HATE THAT YOU HAVE A COCK moment. By the way, the author forgot the bottled wanking. Unless she's going to retcon that out of existence too, and I can't say I'd blame her if that's the case.
“YOU DON’T GET IT! No one does.
Deserving: where adult!Harry is perpetually fifteen.
Ron took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “Sorry, Harry, you can’t ask me to help you if that entails hurting the professor. I just won’t do it,” said Ron as he excited through the bars.
I don't get Ron in this fic. Not one bit. He's stuck with Harry in canon through worse than anything in this fic. He's thrown the Cruciatus and Imperius curses around, albeit with extenuating circumstances, and Ron hasn't objected. The only thing Harry has done involving Unforgivables was completely forgotten in the recap.
“What do you mean he can’t be imprisoned?” questioned Minerva.
“Unless Professor Snape accuses him you don’t have a case?”
“But he had an illegal potion,” argued Kings.
“That’s just it. The potion is not illegal. No place in our legal books does it state that the potion is illegal.
Continuity? What's that?
“I am afraid it won’t amount to more than a slap on the hand. It being his first offence and tack on to that the fact that we are talking about Harry Potter…” explained the head Auror.
Minerva looked crossed.
Because Deserving!Minerva hates Harry. It's like the author hasn't read the books.
“We have other matters? Like what?” they said in unison.
Well rehearsed.
“You did not expect me to speak in front of them. They are after all his best friends.”
“Minerva, that friendship has been severely tried,” explained Poppy.
“Yes, well all the same I rather not let them in on our plan,” said the Headmistress almost to herself.
“Our plan?” asked the two lost occupants of her office.
“Yes, our plan. Hermione knows this legal loophole but Severus and Harry don’t. And Severus, well he believes he owes his life to Harry. So why not use this to his advantage.”
They're conspiring against Harry. I repeat, Minerva McGonagall and Poppy Pomfrey are hatching an honest-to-gods conspiracy against Harry Potter. It's not going to happen.
“Severus would do anything to keep Harry safe. A n y th ing…” spelled out the Headmistress.
The way this is written makes it look as though Minerva is literally spelling out the word "anything". We interrupt this implausible conspiracy for a spelling test.
Kings got the message. “If Severus believes that Harry is in danger of going to Azkaban he will do anything to prevent it.”
Read-back correct.
“Poppy do you forget who the new head of the Justice Department is?”
“Pomona, but what does that have to do with…”
“I am sure we can get Pomona Sprout to help us free Severus from Harry. She has always respected Severus’ work as he has hers,” explained Minerva.
Pomona Sprout, newly appointed/elected/whatever to the Ministry, who's become the head of the Justice Department in record time. It's certainly an interesting career move.
“Poppy, you go speak to Mona and Kingsley, make sure you keep Harry in prison as long as possible. Can you do that?”
"Mona" for Pomona Sprout is almost as bad as "Mione". Almost.
Continued...