Deserving Chapters 24-25
Chapter 24 is, by the author's own admission, quite short so let's have another double bill.
Harry looked at Severus in disbelief. Didn’t he get it? He could ask for anything. Why was he asking for… had they really never kissed before? Harry was racking his brain trying to think back but as hard as he tried he could not remember ever kissing his husband.
So much for "you may now kiss the bride".
“Were you use to him kissing you?”
Severus looked at him in confusion. He, who was ‘he’? What was Harry talking about?
“Dumbledore, did he kiss you on a constant basis?”
The author has Craft Disturbing Mental Image maxed out. ETA: On a constant basis would imply that he and Dumbledore walked around with their lips fastened together at all times, and surely Harry would have noticed if this were the case.
Severus looked horrified.
Can't say I blame him.
Severus took in a deep breath trying to control his exasperation. “First, I must make it clear that no other man has known be the way you have. Before our copulations began I had never been touched nor have I touched another man.”
This assurance doesn't stop my mind going places when he talks about how he's spent his life "kneeling before" every powerful man he meets. Yeah.
“Snape, you best get it out, you know I will think of possibilities that are ten times worst than the reality of things.”
Is ten times worse than the reality of Deserving even possible?
Severus did as he was told and got in bed. Harry parted his legs so Severus could sit in between them. He had Severus’ back against his chest. Harry figured that it would be easier for the man to speak if he was not facing him. He gave Severus a hug against his body and took in the Potions Master’s scent.
New Eau de Potions Master is available at all good retailers.
“The Dark Lord was my master,” he said with hooded eyes, enjoying Harry’s ministrations.
What is it about the word "ministrations"? I mean really. Dark Secrets did it. So did Phantom Dreams/Knight. So do a goodly chunk of all the adult-rated fanfics I've ever read, including good ones. Do all lemon writers have a magically-enforced unbreakable product placement deal with the Ministration Corporation or something?
Severus felt a chill run through his body. Was Harry getting excited? Would he penetrate him tonight after all?
And the clinical phrasing really makes us appreciate the frisson of erotic tension.
“Who was your first master?” he whispered into Severus’ ear.
“I was but a child and my mother tried to keep me as safe as possible. She was a witch and he a mere muggle but for some reason he had control over her. She would take what ever he dished out her only objection was that no physical harm come to me. So one night he was very cross with me but knew that he could not lash out at me as he did with her so he made me kneel before him.” Severus was in a trance, it was as if he were watching the whole thing in his head. “He simply sat there drinking and smoking while I knelt. He did not say anything, nothing hurtful, nothing at all. I had never spent so much time with him and it felt so peaceful; so right.”
“But he was punishing you,” interjected Harry.
A very polite interjection, considering it's at the end of a sentence and a logical paragraph break. Lucky he chose that specific moment to interject, really.
“As a child all I knew was that I was with my father and he was not throwing things at me or yelling or hitting me. We were simply spending time together. I would fantasize about us doing things together during that time. Then next morning I would tell the kids at school of all the great things my father and I did together.”
Harry remembered doing the same thing only he had Dudley to discredit his dreams in front of his classmates.
Here we have that rare and endangered species: a fanfic Dursley anecdote that actually makes sense within canon and doesn't stink of Deus Angst Machina. Shame the author didn't keep it up. Fucking Chapter 48.
He would allow me to do so when I came back from a mission which I was opposed to. Poppy would get very upset when she would go to Dumbledore’s office to tend to my wounds and find me on my knees.
I bet she did. If the author really wants us to believe that Severus "kneeling" is nonsexual, she's going about it in the worst imaginable way.
He placed his lips against Snape and gave him a tender kiss.
“Open,” he instructed and Severus did as he was told.
How exactly did he "instruct" when he had his lips pressed against him?
Severus wanted to yell his protest but there was nothing to t. His husband was a young and inexperienced lover who seemed to be oblivious as to what he was promising.
And considering that Severus apparently doesn't have much experience, I can't help but wonder what his basis for comparison is here.
Severus took what he could and enjoyed the few seconds of deep thrusting that his husband gave him. Quickly after their copulation Harry fell asleep and Severus lay there, enjoying his husband’s proximity.
"Then we fell aspleep lol."
Next morning Harry watched as Severus knelt in front of the dresser to put away the galleon he had earned the night before. It was becoming a standard price.
That's inflation for you. I tell you, back in my day you could get buggery for half a Knut!
At work that morning Harry got right down to business to try out to find as much as possible about Patrick Johnson and his family. Harry learned that his mother was a Potions Master that had studied under Snape. His father was the owner of a second hand book store in Knockturn Alley. Patrick was the oldest of three brothers and had just turned 11 on May 31st. Harry left all the paperwork on Patrick on top of his desk when he went out to tend to Auror business. When he came back to his cubicle he was rammed into the wall by his partner Mike Sly.
Fnarr "rammed into the wall" - hang on, wasn't he called Mark in the last chapter?
“If you so much as touch a hair of that kid or any of the Johnsons, I will personally send you packing to the world of the dead,” warned Sly ,speaking slowly as to make sure he was being understood.
“What are you on about?”
So evidently he didn't make sure he was understood.
“My husband, Snape, he wants me to help Patrick get to school on September 1st,” choked out Harry, who was turning a Vernon shade of purple under Sly’s grip.
"A Vernon shade of purple" tells us that either Harry can see himself or for whatever reason Sly is familiar with Vernon, depending on whose POV the author is showing us.
“Why are you doing something for Severus? They say you hate him and mistreat him,” he said with a puzzled look. “You deny him decent clothing and health care, but then you are willing to help the Johnson kid because he asked you to? What sense does that make?”
Who's "they"? Why is his family life apparently the talk of the entire universe? I know he's Harry Potter, but still.
“Snape is my husband and he cares about his little snakes.
Harry, on the other hand, doesn't much care for his little snake. "I hate that you have..." you know the drill. So to speak.
He cared for them for so long he just can’t see them in need. He earned a reward and used it to help the Johnson kid,” said the Auror, putting away the file.
They're both Aurors.
Harry smiled. “It just so happens I can make my broom and I disappear.
The nominative "I" should be the accusative "me" in this sentence, of course. In this context it's more than a simple case mix-up, because it reads as "[I can make my broom] [and] [I disappear]". If he can make his broom it explains why he's still got his Firebolt, I guess.
Harry and Sly take the Floo to Casa Potter and meet Severus.
Sly looked at him from head to toe, not understanding what his eyes were seeing. Severus Snape looked healthy. He had all his hair, healthy complexion and his clothes… a pair of black jeans with a button up light blue shirt and very nice pair of Italian shoes. He didn’t look abused at all.
He did, however, look like a Muggle. Why?
*Harry walked up the stairs let Snape show Sly that he wasn't the monster everyone thought he was. Inside his room, under the floorboards in a box that not even Kreacher knew about was one of Harry's most prized possessions: the invisibility cloak.
Harry wanted to unwrap it from the old newspapers that he'd folded it in after the war and touch its fine as shadow threads. But he wouldn't yet. The cloak was more then an easy way to get past unwitting persons. It was the embodiment of secrets found, rules broken, friends cuddled close lest they stick out from under it and innocent minds who were so sure that Malfoy was the Slytherin heir. It was his link to Sirius, Remus and most importantly his father. For Harry this was a tool that must be shared, if not with Ron and Hermione, then it would have be with Sly.
This is a nicely-written passage. According to the author's note the asterisk means it's by the beta.
Harry clutched the package close to him as he came down the stairs. Defending school children from crazed tyrants? Clandestine flights to Hogwarts? An uncooperative, head-in-the-sand government? Maybe if he relived enough of his life he could wind up inn a future where his best friends didn't hate him and he wasn't married to the greasiest git in the world.*
And this was great... right up until the bit at the end. As I've said, "greasy git" conveys mild annoyance, not the deep dramatic conflict the author seems to be going for.
“How are you, Severus?” asked Sly, with concern in his voice.
Severus could see by his old school mate’s reaction that he had heard of the bad but none of the good had been revealed to him.
Why didn't Severus mention that he'd been at school with Sly before?
“Good, I am an Auror now,” said Sly, embarrassed at stating the obvious since he was wearing his uniform.
You don't have to be embarrassed about stating the obvious. Not in this fic.
Sly was a very reserved person and did not know how to handle a compliment.
This is an outline. This is what you write when you're putting down ideas for what to happen in a scene. It's not a narrative in itself.
Harry walked in and Richard dove from Papa’s arms to Dada’s.
This is why you shouldn't use a character's name and their epithet in the same sentence. This reads as though Harry is walking in on Richard diving between the arms of two other blokes. And you know what? I still neither know nor care which of them is which.
Sly could not understand what he was seeing.
Join the club. Sly seems remarkably sane, considering that his very first scene involved shoulderbarging Harry into a wall.
“Enough young man, Dada is here on official Auror business and we are taking up valuable time,” he said interchanging child and package with Snape. “Give Dada a kiss,” but this simply prompted Richard to move out of the way so his daddies could kiss.
You mean his Dada and his Papa, right? And how the holy hell does he know about and understand Severus' request? Because he's a telepathic Gary Stu who was influencing Severus even from the (for lack of a better term) womb, of course.
“Potter, these are very rare and they are usually not this good,” said the older Auror, coming closer to get a better look.
Harry smiled at the words of his partner. If he only knew…
“Yeah, well, it’s been in my family for ages. What do you think? Will it work?”
Sly gave him an approving smile.
This, I have to admit, is reasonable writing. On to Chapter 25.
Baby was beginning to stand, supported, but none the less he was strong enough to stand straight.
I can't make sense of this sentence.
“Do you really think he is going to be alright?” asked Millicent, looking at her child.
“There are few things I trust in life, and Madam Pomfrey is one of them, if she says he will be all right, he will be,” assured the Professor.
Of course she is, especially if my "Pomfrey as author avatar" hypothesis is anywhere near accurate.
“Child, is there something wrong?” Asked Severus, concerned for his Milly.
His Milly? I'm not sure I like where this scene is heading.
“But that is not what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn’t want you to think I was less in your dept than I am with Harry. And I certainly don’t want you to think that I don’t find you attractive because I do. In fact I have always thought of you as a very elegant and attractive man. When I was in school I must have fantasized a million times…”
This is in no way a creepy confession to be making. "Hey, when you were my teacher I used to jill off over you!"
“I know he is a good father, I have seen it in my dreams. Did you know you are going to have two more kids?”
Deserving!Millicent apparently gets prophetic dreams. Can we call her a Sue yet?
Severus heard the news with a relieved heart. Did this mean that he was going to survive the birthing? She had been spot on when she described the attack, she clearly had the gift. He was brought back by her giggling.
From what little we see of her in canon, she hardly seems the giggly type.
“Yes, I guess it does seem that way. You know, when I was in the Lang household I thought that I would never find peace and happiness, but look at me now. And do you want to know something else? He is coming.”
“He?”
“My prince charming. When I was a child he was my very first dream. I have since convinced myself that no man as wonderful as the one in my dreams can ever love me, but now that I have seen miracles happen, I do believe he is on his…”
He is in a few chapters' time, because the author doesn't seem to have got the hang of how to foreshadow without completely spoiling the plot.
but her words were cut off by the sight in front of her, Baby was holding on to only one of Severus’ finger and it seemed that he was considering letting go.
Severus held his breath. Millicent held her breath. And Baby… fell to a sitting position.
This isn't even the biggest anticlimax in this chapter.
[700 words of build-up, then...]
The mission went off without any problems. Nine kids were delivered to Hogwarts via broom rides and invisibility cloak.
... because this is. You could quite literally blink and miss the resolution.
Harry could see from the platform that the Slytherin table consisted of twelve students. The three from the year before and the nine that they had delivered. He could not understand how the house had been decimated. All houses were always more or less equally distributed but now you could not help but notice the practically empty table.
Because the only way anyone gets into Slytherin is through having parents who were, apparently.
He thought of Richard and how he had a fifty-fifty chance of being a Slytherin
Wait, what? No he didn't. That's not how houses work at all, otherwise Sirius wouldn't have been sorted into Gryffindor. Anyway, Richard is probably going in Sparklypoo.
His son should be able to feel proud of his heritage, but if the Ministry continued to give Single and his men so much authority, his son would be ridiculed and chastised for being the child of a damn great wizard.
I think Single has a tad more than ridicule and chastisement in mind.
Harry’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden entry of Single and his men.
Speak of the devil.
“What is the meaning of this?” squealed Minerva.
I like to think Minerva has rather more dignity than to squeal in the face of the enemy.
The riders and teachers stood with wands in hand.
“Good evening, Headmistress, I have been informed that some of your students have chosen to shun one of this great school’s tradition,” said Single, looking at the Slytherin table.
What exactly is Single's remit, anyway? He seems to be flitting around doing all sorts throughout the fic. He's the head of the Department of Buggery, but he also goes around registering births and now he's inspecting Hogwarts.
“The children of Death Eaters…”
“NO! the children of ex-Slytherins. You seem to have a problem making the distinction.”
“Maybe because in my eyes, and the eyes of law abiding citizens, there is no difference.”
He stopped and looked around the hall, stopping at where Sly and the other Slytherin Aurors were standing. Then he turned on his heals and left followed by his posse.
Something tells me Single might be evil.
Back at Casa Potter, Severus is waiting up for Harry.
“Shall I prepare, Sir?” asked Severus with his head bowed and his hair draping his emotions.
His hair draping his emotions what the fuck does that mean?
“Nah, too tired for that also. Let’s just get some shut eye. Take your clothes off and let go to sleep.”
Severus undressed and noticed that his Guide was not taking his eyes of him while he did so.
“Are you certain, Sir? We could have a quickie, so you can relieve some stress.”
Severus, you horny bastard.
“Yeah, all nine of them, that make a whopping dozen in the house of Slytherin,” said a sarcastic Harry.
I'd never have guessed that was meant to be a sarcastic comment without the author to tell me, because I know nothing about sarcasm.
“Minerva should dismantle the house all together. It is not safe for these children to be classified as such.”
“You’re not serious, right? I thought you cared about your little snakes.”
Yes, I'm an overgrown schoolboy because I can't help but laugh at "little snakes". Maybe if there was some kind of canonical basis for Severus describing his students as his little snakes it wouldn't be quite so amusing. As it is, it's just a piece of cutesily OOC fanon.
Single comes bursting into Casa Potter the next day:
Harry knew Single would enter with or without his permission so he shook his head and Single and his two top ranking men entered the room. At once Single turn to sneer at Snape and at the same time put his wand to the floor, sending Severus’ head down to the floor.
I can't tell from the description whether this is supposed to be the spell that Lang's minions also do, but it's equally pointless because Severus doesn't have his wand.
“That is not necessary. This is my house. I demand…”
“Look for him,” ordered Single. “Do not leave any bed or piece of furniture unturned. He has to be here somewhere,” Single said, cutting Harry off.
We don't need to be told that he's cutting him off when it's clearly shown.
“Where is he Potter? Where is Sly?” asked the Ministry’s Official through gritted teeth.
Even the author's epithets don't give us any clue as to Single's actual role. His search was apparently frustrated by Ron running around in the Invisibility Cloak. He seems to have completely forgotten how he abandoned Harry in a fit of OOC right at the beginning of the story, because:
“Well, I don’t think they caught on; did they? And you are one to talk. You get rid of Millicent but leave all her things hanging around the house. I had to scurry all over the place making them disappear so Single’s men wouldn’t find them,” said Ron, removing the cloak.
“When did you get in?”
“’Mione asked me to follow you and help.
No she didn't. Why? Because there's NO SUCH CHARACTER.
Ron explained between mouthfuls of pie how Gaby had been one of the first elves to help the Marked Ones. His master grew suspicious and gave him clothing at once. The elf was distraught and sat at the Ministry’s doorsteps crying bloody murder. Next thing Ron knew, his wife had come home with an elf.
Well, that's that cleared up. Ron seems to be back in character, at least for the time being.
“He already knows it.”
“What? When did you let him know?” asked Ron, gulping down the last piece of pie.
Harry put his hand in his pocket and took out a tiny little Sly that stood in the middle of his palm.
Okay, that's kind of cool.
Continued...
Harry looked at Severus in disbelief. Didn’t he get it? He could ask for anything. Why was he asking for… had they really never kissed before? Harry was racking his brain trying to think back but as hard as he tried he could not remember ever kissing his husband.
So much for "you may now kiss the bride".
“Were you use to him kissing you?”
Severus looked at him in confusion. He, who was ‘he’? What was Harry talking about?
“Dumbledore, did he kiss you on a constant basis?”
The author has Craft Disturbing Mental Image maxed out. ETA: On a constant basis would imply that he and Dumbledore walked around with their lips fastened together at all times, and surely Harry would have noticed if this were the case.
Severus looked horrified.
Can't say I blame him.
Severus took in a deep breath trying to control his exasperation. “First, I must make it clear that no other man has known be the way you have. Before our copulations began I had never been touched nor have I touched another man.”
This assurance doesn't stop my mind going places when he talks about how he's spent his life "kneeling before" every powerful man he meets. Yeah.
“Snape, you best get it out, you know I will think of possibilities that are ten times worst than the reality of things.”
Is ten times worse than the reality of Deserving even possible?
Severus did as he was told and got in bed. Harry parted his legs so Severus could sit in between them. He had Severus’ back against his chest. Harry figured that it would be easier for the man to speak if he was not facing him. He gave Severus a hug against his body and took in the Potions Master’s scent.
New Eau de Potions Master is available at all good retailers.
“The Dark Lord was my master,” he said with hooded eyes, enjoying Harry’s ministrations.
What is it about the word "ministrations"? I mean really. Dark Secrets did it. So did Phantom Dreams/Knight. So do a goodly chunk of all the adult-rated fanfics I've ever read, including good ones. Do all lemon writers have a magically-enforced unbreakable product placement deal with the Ministration Corporation or something?
Severus felt a chill run through his body. Was Harry getting excited? Would he penetrate him tonight after all?
And the clinical phrasing really makes us appreciate the frisson of erotic tension.
“Who was your first master?” he whispered into Severus’ ear.
“I was but a child and my mother tried to keep me as safe as possible. She was a witch and he a mere muggle but for some reason he had control over her. She would take what ever he dished out her only objection was that no physical harm come to me. So one night he was very cross with me but knew that he could not lash out at me as he did with her so he made me kneel before him.” Severus was in a trance, it was as if he were watching the whole thing in his head. “He simply sat there drinking and smoking while I knelt. He did not say anything, nothing hurtful, nothing at all. I had never spent so much time with him and it felt so peaceful; so right.”
“But he was punishing you,” interjected Harry.
A very polite interjection, considering it's at the end of a sentence and a logical paragraph break. Lucky he chose that specific moment to interject, really.
“As a child all I knew was that I was with my father and he was not throwing things at me or yelling or hitting me. We were simply spending time together. I would fantasize about us doing things together during that time. Then next morning I would tell the kids at school of all the great things my father and I did together.”
Harry remembered doing the same thing only he had Dudley to discredit his dreams in front of his classmates.
Here we have that rare and endangered species: a fanfic Dursley anecdote that actually makes sense within canon and doesn't stink of Deus Angst Machina. Shame the author didn't keep it up. Fucking Chapter 48.
He would allow me to do so when I came back from a mission which I was opposed to. Poppy would get very upset when she would go to Dumbledore’s office to tend to my wounds and find me on my knees.
I bet she did. If the author really wants us to believe that Severus "kneeling" is nonsexual, she's going about it in the worst imaginable way.
He placed his lips against Snape and gave him a tender kiss.
“Open,” he instructed and Severus did as he was told.
How exactly did he "instruct" when he had his lips pressed against him?
Severus wanted to yell his protest but there was nothing to t. His husband was a young and inexperienced lover who seemed to be oblivious as to what he was promising.
And considering that Severus apparently doesn't have much experience, I can't help but wonder what his basis for comparison is here.
Severus took what he could and enjoyed the few seconds of deep thrusting that his husband gave him. Quickly after their copulation Harry fell asleep and Severus lay there, enjoying his husband’s proximity.
"Then we fell aspleep lol."
Next morning Harry watched as Severus knelt in front of the dresser to put away the galleon he had earned the night before. It was becoming a standard price.
That's inflation for you. I tell you, back in my day you could get buggery for half a Knut!
At work that morning Harry got right down to business to try out to find as much as possible about Patrick Johnson and his family. Harry learned that his mother was a Potions Master that had studied under Snape. His father was the owner of a second hand book store in Knockturn Alley. Patrick was the oldest of three brothers and had just turned 11 on May 31st. Harry left all the paperwork on Patrick on top of his desk when he went out to tend to Auror business. When he came back to his cubicle he was rammed into the wall by his partner Mike Sly.
Fnarr "rammed into the wall" - hang on, wasn't he called Mark in the last chapter?
“If you so much as touch a hair of that kid or any of the Johnsons, I will personally send you packing to the world of the dead,” warned Sly ,speaking slowly as to make sure he was being understood.
“What are you on about?”
So evidently he didn't make sure he was understood.
“My husband, Snape, he wants me to help Patrick get to school on September 1st,” choked out Harry, who was turning a Vernon shade of purple under Sly’s grip.
"A Vernon shade of purple" tells us that either Harry can see himself or for whatever reason Sly is familiar with Vernon, depending on whose POV the author is showing us.
“Why are you doing something for Severus? They say you hate him and mistreat him,” he said with a puzzled look. “You deny him decent clothing and health care, but then you are willing to help the Johnson kid because he asked you to? What sense does that make?”
Who's "they"? Why is his family life apparently the talk of the entire universe? I know he's Harry Potter, but still.
“Snape is my husband and he cares about his little snakes.
Harry, on the other hand, doesn't much care for his little snake. "I hate that you have..." you know the drill. So to speak.
He cared for them for so long he just can’t see them in need. He earned a reward and used it to help the Johnson kid,” said the Auror, putting away the file.
They're both Aurors.
Harry smiled. “It just so happens I can make my broom and I disappear.
The nominative "I" should be the accusative "me" in this sentence, of course. In this context it's more than a simple case mix-up, because it reads as "[I can make my broom] [and] [I disappear]". If he can make his broom it explains why he's still got his Firebolt, I guess.
Harry and Sly take the Floo to Casa Potter and meet Severus.
Sly looked at him from head to toe, not understanding what his eyes were seeing. Severus Snape looked healthy. He had all his hair, healthy complexion and his clothes… a pair of black jeans with a button up light blue shirt and very nice pair of Italian shoes. He didn’t look abused at all.
He did, however, look like a Muggle. Why?
*Harry walked up the stairs let Snape show Sly that he wasn't the monster everyone thought he was. Inside his room, under the floorboards in a box that not even Kreacher knew about was one of Harry's most prized possessions: the invisibility cloak.
Harry wanted to unwrap it from the old newspapers that he'd folded it in after the war and touch its fine as shadow threads. But he wouldn't yet. The cloak was more then an easy way to get past unwitting persons. It was the embodiment of secrets found, rules broken, friends cuddled close lest they stick out from under it and innocent minds who were so sure that Malfoy was the Slytherin heir. It was his link to Sirius, Remus and most importantly his father. For Harry this was a tool that must be shared, if not with Ron and Hermione, then it would have be with Sly.
This is a nicely-written passage. According to the author's note the asterisk means it's by the beta.
Harry clutched the package close to him as he came down the stairs. Defending school children from crazed tyrants? Clandestine flights to Hogwarts? An uncooperative, head-in-the-sand government? Maybe if he relived enough of his life he could wind up inn a future where his best friends didn't hate him and he wasn't married to the greasiest git in the world.*
And this was great... right up until the bit at the end. As I've said, "greasy git" conveys mild annoyance, not the deep dramatic conflict the author seems to be going for.
“How are you, Severus?” asked Sly, with concern in his voice.
Severus could see by his old school mate’s reaction that he had heard of the bad but none of the good had been revealed to him.
Why didn't Severus mention that he'd been at school with Sly before?
“Good, I am an Auror now,” said Sly, embarrassed at stating the obvious since he was wearing his uniform.
You don't have to be embarrassed about stating the obvious. Not in this fic.
Sly was a very reserved person and did not know how to handle a compliment.
This is an outline. This is what you write when you're putting down ideas for what to happen in a scene. It's not a narrative in itself.
Harry walked in and Richard dove from Papa’s arms to Dada’s.
This is why you shouldn't use a character's name and their epithet in the same sentence. This reads as though Harry is walking in on Richard diving between the arms of two other blokes. And you know what? I still neither know nor care which of them is which.
Sly could not understand what he was seeing.
Join the club. Sly seems remarkably sane, considering that his very first scene involved shoulderbarging Harry into a wall.
“Enough young man, Dada is here on official Auror business and we are taking up valuable time,” he said interchanging child and package with Snape. “Give Dada a kiss,” but this simply prompted Richard to move out of the way so his daddies could kiss.
You mean his Dada and his Papa, right? And how the holy hell does he know about and understand Severus' request? Because he's a telepathic Gary Stu who was influencing Severus even from the (for lack of a better term) womb, of course.
“Potter, these are very rare and they are usually not this good,” said the older Auror, coming closer to get a better look.
Harry smiled at the words of his partner. If he only knew…
“Yeah, well, it’s been in my family for ages. What do you think? Will it work?”
Sly gave him an approving smile.
This, I have to admit, is reasonable writing. On to Chapter 25.
Baby was beginning to stand, supported, but none the less he was strong enough to stand straight.
I can't make sense of this sentence.
“Do you really think he is going to be alright?” asked Millicent, looking at her child.
“There are few things I trust in life, and Madam Pomfrey is one of them, if she says he will be all right, he will be,” assured the Professor.
Of course she is, especially if my "Pomfrey as author avatar" hypothesis is anywhere near accurate.
“Child, is there something wrong?” Asked Severus, concerned for his Milly.
His Milly? I'm not sure I like where this scene is heading.
“But that is not what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn’t want you to think I was less in your dept than I am with Harry. And I certainly don’t want you to think that I don’t find you attractive because I do. In fact I have always thought of you as a very elegant and attractive man. When I was in school I must have fantasized a million times…”
This is in no way a creepy confession to be making. "Hey, when you were my teacher I used to jill off over you!"
“I know he is a good father, I have seen it in my dreams. Did you know you are going to have two more kids?”
Deserving!Millicent apparently gets prophetic dreams. Can we call her a Sue yet?
Severus heard the news with a relieved heart. Did this mean that he was going to survive the birthing? She had been spot on when she described the attack, she clearly had the gift. He was brought back by her giggling.
From what little we see of her in canon, she hardly seems the giggly type.
“Yes, I guess it does seem that way. You know, when I was in the Lang household I thought that I would never find peace and happiness, but look at me now. And do you want to know something else? He is coming.”
“He?”
“My prince charming. When I was a child he was my very first dream. I have since convinced myself that no man as wonderful as the one in my dreams can ever love me, but now that I have seen miracles happen, I do believe he is on his…”
He is in a few chapters' time, because the author doesn't seem to have got the hang of how to foreshadow without completely spoiling the plot.
but her words were cut off by the sight in front of her, Baby was holding on to only one of Severus’ finger and it seemed that he was considering letting go.
Severus held his breath. Millicent held her breath. And Baby… fell to a sitting position.
This isn't even the biggest anticlimax in this chapter.
[700 words of build-up, then...]
The mission went off without any problems. Nine kids were delivered to Hogwarts via broom rides and invisibility cloak.
... because this is. You could quite literally blink and miss the resolution.
Harry could see from the platform that the Slytherin table consisted of twelve students. The three from the year before and the nine that they had delivered. He could not understand how the house had been decimated. All houses were always more or less equally distributed but now you could not help but notice the practically empty table.
Because the only way anyone gets into Slytherin is through having parents who were, apparently.
He thought of Richard and how he had a fifty-fifty chance of being a Slytherin
Wait, what? No he didn't. That's not how houses work at all, otherwise Sirius wouldn't have been sorted into Gryffindor. Anyway, Richard is probably going in Sparklypoo.
His son should be able to feel proud of his heritage, but if the Ministry continued to give Single and his men so much authority, his son would be ridiculed and chastised for being the child of a damn great wizard.
I think Single has a tad more than ridicule and chastisement in mind.
Harry’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden entry of Single and his men.
Speak of the devil.
“What is the meaning of this?” squealed Minerva.
I like to think Minerva has rather more dignity than to squeal in the face of the enemy.
The riders and teachers stood with wands in hand.
“Good evening, Headmistress, I have been informed that some of your students have chosen to shun one of this great school’s tradition,” said Single, looking at the Slytherin table.
What exactly is Single's remit, anyway? He seems to be flitting around doing all sorts throughout the fic. He's the head of the Department of Buggery, but he also goes around registering births and now he's inspecting Hogwarts.
“The children of Death Eaters…”
“NO! the children of ex-Slytherins. You seem to have a problem making the distinction.”
“Maybe because in my eyes, and the eyes of law abiding citizens, there is no difference.”
He stopped and looked around the hall, stopping at where Sly and the other Slytherin Aurors were standing. Then he turned on his heals and left followed by his posse.
Something tells me Single might be evil.
Back at Casa Potter, Severus is waiting up for Harry.
“Shall I prepare, Sir?” asked Severus with his head bowed and his hair draping his emotions.
His hair draping his emotions what the fuck does that mean?
“Nah, too tired for that also. Let’s just get some shut eye. Take your clothes off and let go to sleep.”
Severus undressed and noticed that his Guide was not taking his eyes of him while he did so.
“Are you certain, Sir? We could have a quickie, so you can relieve some stress.”
Severus, you horny bastard.
“Yeah, all nine of them, that make a whopping dozen in the house of Slytherin,” said a sarcastic Harry.
I'd never have guessed that was meant to be a sarcastic comment without the author to tell me, because I know nothing about sarcasm.
“Minerva should dismantle the house all together. It is not safe for these children to be classified as such.”
“You’re not serious, right? I thought you cared about your little snakes.”
Yes, I'm an overgrown schoolboy because I can't help but laugh at "little snakes". Maybe if there was some kind of canonical basis for Severus describing his students as his little snakes it wouldn't be quite so amusing. As it is, it's just a piece of cutesily OOC fanon.
Single comes bursting into Casa Potter the next day:
Harry knew Single would enter with or without his permission so he shook his head and Single and his two top ranking men entered the room. At once Single turn to sneer at Snape and at the same time put his wand to the floor, sending Severus’ head down to the floor.
I can't tell from the description whether this is supposed to be the spell that Lang's minions also do, but it's equally pointless because Severus doesn't have his wand.
“That is not necessary. This is my house. I demand…”
“Look for him,” ordered Single. “Do not leave any bed or piece of furniture unturned. He has to be here somewhere,” Single said, cutting Harry off.
We don't need to be told that he's cutting him off when it's clearly shown.
“Where is he Potter? Where is Sly?” asked the Ministry’s Official through gritted teeth.
Even the author's epithets don't give us any clue as to Single's actual role. His search was apparently frustrated by Ron running around in the Invisibility Cloak. He seems to have completely forgotten how he abandoned Harry in a fit of OOC right at the beginning of the story, because:
“Well, I don’t think they caught on; did they? And you are one to talk. You get rid of Millicent but leave all her things hanging around the house. I had to scurry all over the place making them disappear so Single’s men wouldn’t find them,” said Ron, removing the cloak.
“When did you get in?”
“’Mione asked me to follow you and help.
No she didn't. Why? Because there's NO SUCH CHARACTER.
Ron explained between mouthfuls of pie how Gaby had been one of the first elves to help the Marked Ones. His master grew suspicious and gave him clothing at once. The elf was distraught and sat at the Ministry’s doorsteps crying bloody murder. Next thing Ron knew, his wife had come home with an elf.
Well, that's that cleared up. Ron seems to be back in character, at least for the time being.
“He already knows it.”
“What? When did you let him know?” asked Ron, gulping down the last piece of pie.
Harry put his hand in his pocket and took out a tiny little Sly that stood in the middle of his palm.
Okay, that's kind of cool.
Continued...