Deserving Chapter 17
Once more we travel to the Land of Nightmares to discover, there beneath the black mountain of badfic, the loathsome... Deserving!
When Severus came down the next morning he was surprised to see Kingsley in the sitting room speaking to his husband.
We're about to see something we rarely see in Deserving, which is for a scene to remain in the same POV for more than a few lines.
“Breakfast is on the table,” instructed Harry.
That's not an instruction; it's a statement.
Severus walked to the table and Kreacher immediately popped in and began to serve him his tea. Severus couldn’t help but to hear the conversation that was taking place mere feet away.
I wonder if this is the longest we've gone without a POV shift?
“Harry, the Guides are not pleased with the Ministry’s decision to make them marry their Marked One. They were even more upset at the fact that so many signed up to save the Marked Ones from their fate. They got a wake up call, if the Marked Ones keep on getting so much support, they might gain their freedom. As it is many are saying the situation of the Marked Ones will determine the next elections.”
Forced mpreg, slavery and awkward infodumps for all! Vote Potter in 2000! Or whatever year this is meant to be because hell if I can keep track of this fic's timeline!
“No, unfortunately many wizards and witches have no idea of what is going on. Yes, many were outraged by the weddings that were performed and documented, but when the Ministry got whiff of the adverse effect publicizing them had, they had the Prophet put a lid on it. And you know how it goes: ‘out of sight out of mind.’”
So the Guides resent having to marry the Marked Ones, and the wizarding public agree with them, and don't know what's going on, but apparently enough of them know and sympathise with the Marked Ones for it to become a deciding factor in the election and fuck it where did I put the Nurofen?
Kings saw the perfect opportunity and seized it.
Along with the POV. Dammit.
Harry again felt the frustration of having everyone think of him as the monster.
[...]
Severus could see his husband considering these words. He held his breath waiting to hear the answer.
[...]
Kings considered Harry’s words. “You haven’t really answered my question.”
[...]
Harry understood that this was a loaded question, so he rectified.
I'm quite fond of Linda Anderson's essay "Narrative Point of View: Who Tells the Story?" In it, she covers this very problem and describes exactly why it is indeed a problem:
This kind of writing irritates and baffles readers. We don't know who is steering the narrative or where to pay attention.
I don't know whether the author of Deserving knows the difference between third-person limited and third-person omniscient, but whichever she's going for isn't working.
That afternoon found Harry’s room laden with discussions. Malfoy, Severus and Neville were trying to think of a possible antidote, but every time one of them had an idea the other would point out its faults.
Harry, Dennis and Kings were keeping the babies entertained.
So of these two parallel scenes, I guess the author is going to focus on the intense plot-related discussion?
They had laid down a blanket behind the sofa and were playing with Richard and Nicky. Dennis had the sleeping baby in his arms. Harry had tried to engage the baby, but it would only cry if nudged out of his slumber.
Nicky, whose birthday party was this week walked over to Richard and gave him a kiss. Richard celebrated by clapping.
Toddlerslash. I'm faintly disturbed.
“Give dada a kiss,” he prompted but Richard was very amused at the fact that his little friend could walk around without his dada.
It's quite an achievement to be able to walk without the aid of an early 20th-century avant-garde art movement.
“Up, pah pah, up,” demanded Richard.
Oompa oompa oompa-pa, oompa-pa, oompa-pa...
“Yes, I believe you are correct, husband. I am sure this is why he is calling to me,” said Severus trying to ease the effects of his unconscious actions.
Statement: This meatbag appears to be adopting a distinctly droid-like mode of speech. Puzzlement: I am not entirely sure why, master. Speculation: The organic writer may be having trouble writing him properly. Suggestion: Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?
The last thing he wanted was for Harry to resent the relationship between him and his son. “He only wants to be with me when he is hungry. He prefers his dada’s ability to entertain with his wand
I hope not. D8
than my dull storytelling time,”
Fred called. He left a message.
The visitors gave each other knowing looks. It was sad to see Severus always try to please Harry when Harry could care less if the Potions Master was dead or alive.
I can't even tell whose POV this is from, but that doesn't matter because nobody in this scene would say that. On account of they're not even American.
Harry sat on the ottoman that Severus used to sit on and announced: “I have the perfect solution. Let’s get one of Hagrid’s Blast-Ended Screwts, pulverize it and make the antidote with that,” jested Harry trying to shake them out of their slump.
“Brilliant, Potter, just brilliant. I guess remedial potions did little for your lack of skills,” drawled Draco.
Is this Harry and Draco... actually in character? I do believe it might be.
“Hagrid can obtain the blood of a unicorn. We only need a couple of droops.
So Harry needs to stop taking Viagra.
Once one batch is made all we have to do is make sure we set aside a vial to make more,” explained Severus.
That was an explanation? I'd never have guessed.
“Hagrid will have to cut his arm and allow the unicorn to drink from his blood. The unicorn’s saliva will heal the cut so it will only be a couple of licks. Then and only then will the unicorn allow Hagrid to draw blood,” explained Severus.
Vampire unicorns!
Next morning, Harry woke up to find a Potion’s Lab in his kitchen.
The lab belonged to the potion, and got Significant Capitalisation™ because everything does in this Fic.
Severus was running from one side to another sterilizing everything
They're doing potion brewing, not microbiology.
Neville and Draco got to work dicing, chopping, slicing and grinding. Severus hovered over them giving orders. He looked right at home or in his case, right in the dungeons. Neville even seemed scared which amused the other men greatly; even Severus.
The potion had to be stirred every half hour for six hours. By two it was ready. Neville bottled the first vial and Harry went over and took it from him.
This scene does work.
The group had to admit that it was a good idea
The author seems to be sick of POV hopping, as now she seems to be writing a hive mind.
Harry found the invitation to little Nicky’s birthday.
“It is Nicky’s birthday,
... he said redundantly.
As always Kreacher popped in as soon as Harry was gone and took Severus and the children to the glade. Severus was glad to be able to put the baby on a blanket in the sun where he could absorb some vitamin D.
Severus the nutritionist.
When Harry walked into Kings’ office he found his boss on his knees yelling at someone through a firecall he was making.
Well, he wouldn't be Deserving!Kingsley if he wasn't yelling about something or other.
“NO, NO, NO that will definitely not do. I need the place covered with balloons. It is my son’s first birthday and he loves balloons. What is there not to understand?” argued the director of the Auror Department.
What does this comment have to do with his position as director of the Auror Department? You might as well say "This fic sucks," said the environmental manager.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
Severus thought he knew what the favor was, so he rose and was headed to the loo to get the lube.
Oh, sod the lube. I couldn't care less about the lube!
Continued...
When Severus came down the next morning he was surprised to see Kingsley in the sitting room speaking to his husband.
We're about to see something we rarely see in Deserving, which is for a scene to remain in the same POV for more than a few lines.
“Breakfast is on the table,” instructed Harry.
That's not an instruction; it's a statement.
Severus walked to the table and Kreacher immediately popped in and began to serve him his tea. Severus couldn’t help but to hear the conversation that was taking place mere feet away.
I wonder if this is the longest we've gone without a POV shift?
“Harry, the Guides are not pleased with the Ministry’s decision to make them marry their Marked One. They were even more upset at the fact that so many signed up to save the Marked Ones from their fate. They got a wake up call, if the Marked Ones keep on getting so much support, they might gain their freedom. As it is many are saying the situation of the Marked Ones will determine the next elections.”
Forced mpreg, slavery and awkward infodumps for all! Vote Potter in 2000! Or whatever year this is meant to be because hell if I can keep track of this fic's timeline!
“No, unfortunately many wizards and witches have no idea of what is going on. Yes, many were outraged by the weddings that were performed and documented, but when the Ministry got whiff of the adverse effect publicizing them had, they had the Prophet put a lid on it. And you know how it goes: ‘out of sight out of mind.’”
So the Guides resent having to marry the Marked Ones, and the wizarding public agree with them, and don't know what's going on, but apparently enough of them know and sympathise with the Marked Ones for it to become a deciding factor in the election and fuck it where did I put the Nurofen?
Kings saw the perfect opportunity and seized it.
Along with the POV. Dammit.
Harry again felt the frustration of having everyone think of him as the monster.
[...]
Severus could see his husband considering these words. He held his breath waiting to hear the answer.
[...]
Kings considered Harry’s words. “You haven’t really answered my question.”
[...]
Harry understood that this was a loaded question, so he rectified.
I'm quite fond of Linda Anderson's essay "Narrative Point of View: Who Tells the Story?" In it, she covers this very problem and describes exactly why it is indeed a problem:
This kind of writing irritates and baffles readers. We don't know who is steering the narrative or where to pay attention.
I don't know whether the author of Deserving knows the difference between third-person limited and third-person omniscient, but whichever she's going for isn't working.
That afternoon found Harry’s room laden with discussions. Malfoy, Severus and Neville were trying to think of a possible antidote, but every time one of them had an idea the other would point out its faults.
Harry, Dennis and Kings were keeping the babies entertained.
So of these two parallel scenes, I guess the author is going to focus on the intense plot-related discussion?
They had laid down a blanket behind the sofa and were playing with Richard and Nicky. Dennis had the sleeping baby in his arms. Harry had tried to engage the baby, but it would only cry if nudged out of his slumber.
Nicky, whose birthday party was this week walked over to Richard and gave him a kiss. Richard celebrated by clapping.
Toddlerslash. I'm faintly disturbed.
“Give dada a kiss,” he prompted but Richard was very amused at the fact that his little friend could walk around without his dada.
It's quite an achievement to be able to walk without the aid of an early 20th-century avant-garde art movement.
“Up, pah pah, up,” demanded Richard.
Oompa oompa oompa-pa, oompa-pa, oompa-pa...
“Yes, I believe you are correct, husband. I am sure this is why he is calling to me,” said Severus trying to ease the effects of his unconscious actions.
Statement: This meatbag appears to be adopting a distinctly droid-like mode of speech. Puzzlement: I am not entirely sure why, master. Speculation: The organic writer may be having trouble writing him properly. Suggestion: Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?
The last thing he wanted was for Harry to resent the relationship between him and his son. “He only wants to be with me when he is hungry. He prefers his dada’s ability to entertain with his wand
I hope not. D8
than my dull storytelling time,”
Fred called. He left a message.
The visitors gave each other knowing looks. It was sad to see Severus always try to please Harry when Harry could care less if the Potions Master was dead or alive.
Click to viewI can't even tell whose POV this is from, but that doesn't matter because nobody in this scene would say that. On account of they're not even American.
Harry sat on the ottoman that Severus used to sit on and announced: “I have the perfect solution. Let’s get one of Hagrid’s Blast-Ended Screwts, pulverize it and make the antidote with that,” jested Harry trying to shake them out of their slump.
“Brilliant, Potter, just brilliant. I guess remedial potions did little for your lack of skills,” drawled Draco.
Is this Harry and Draco... actually in character? I do believe it might be.
“Hagrid can obtain the blood of a unicorn. We only need a couple of droops.
So Harry needs to stop taking Viagra.
Once one batch is made all we have to do is make sure we set aside a vial to make more,” explained Severus.
That was an explanation? I'd never have guessed.
“Hagrid will have to cut his arm and allow the unicorn to drink from his blood. The unicorn’s saliva will heal the cut so it will only be a couple of licks. Then and only then will the unicorn allow Hagrid to draw blood,” explained Severus.
Vampire unicorns!
Next morning, Harry woke up to find a Potion’s Lab in his kitchen.
The lab belonged to the potion, and got Significant Capitalisation™ because everything does in this Fic.
Severus was running from one side to another sterilizing everything
They're doing potion brewing, not microbiology.
Neville and Draco got to work dicing, chopping, slicing and grinding. Severus hovered over them giving orders. He looked right at home or in his case, right in the dungeons. Neville even seemed scared which amused the other men greatly; even Severus.
The potion had to be stirred every half hour for six hours. By two it was ready. Neville bottled the first vial and Harry went over and took it from him.
This scene does work.
The group had to admit that it was a good idea
The author seems to be sick of POV hopping, as now she seems to be writing a hive mind.
Harry found the invitation to little Nicky’s birthday.
“It is Nicky’s birthday,
... he said redundantly.
As always Kreacher popped in as soon as Harry was gone and took Severus and the children to the glade. Severus was glad to be able to put the baby on a blanket in the sun where he could absorb some vitamin D.
Severus the nutritionist.
When Harry walked into Kings’ office he found his boss on his knees yelling at someone through a firecall he was making.
Well, he wouldn't be Deserving!Kingsley if he wasn't yelling about something or other.
“NO, NO, NO that will definitely not do. I need the place covered with balloons. It is my son’s first birthday and he loves balloons. What is there not to understand?” argued the director of the Auror Department.
What does this comment have to do with his position as director of the Auror Department? You might as well say "This fic sucks," said the environmental manager.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
Severus thought he knew what the favor was, so he rose and was headed to the loo to get the lube.
Oh, sod the lube. I couldn't care less about the lube!
Continued...