Illegitimate Rape?
Since this has been in the news so much of late Ive been meditating on the trouble with our words and understanding of them.
Todd Akin is not the first person to be lead into trouble by the tongue. I will try to keep from getting into trouble myself but I do want to talk about this. I remember Whoopi Goldberg recently got into trouble by trying to differentiate rape, in her case it was "real rape" or maybe "Rape Rape" but I think they were essentially trying to say the same thing; there is a difference between what we think of as 'rape' and a host of other unlawful sexual encounters. What we think of as "Rape" and "Statutory Rape" tend to be very different, and I think that is one of the problems here.
What Goldberg and Akin are trying to say with 'legitimate rape' and 'real rape' is the classic, 'a man jumps out of the bushes, drags a woman into a secluded place and forces her to have sex with violence or the threat of violence" Akin said as much when he tried to walk back his statement by "what I meant to say was 'forceful rape' The trouble with Akin is that in his mind the two are interchangeable ie the only legitimate rape is a forceful rape. He's not one for mamby pamby "Statutory Rape" In his world view, if a woman is so attacked and forced to have sex then her body will not allow her to become pregnant. It's all neat and tidy, if the woman becomes pregnant after this so called rape, then it really wasn't rape and there is no need for a rape and incest clause in his anti abortion stance. Legitimately (forcefully) raped women don't get pregnant, therefore we don't need to allow them to get abortions. Aside from the fact that he is wrong, dead, obviously, and willfully ignorant of facts wrong, he doesn't even get that what he said would be offensive.
It's like this: "Hey wanna get a pizza and screw? What? you don't like pizza?
And his apology only served to clarify his position. "I'm sorry, what I meant to say was, Would you like to purchase a pizza and then have sex?"
In his crocodile tears apology he said, that "legitimate" was the wrong word, what I should have said was "forceful" Read: If it is not forceful, it is not rape. And this is where I've been mulling. He is wrong, I have no doubt on that, but I do want to understand his thinking and maybe help clarify and solidify my own thinking. I beleive that there are other acts of sexual misconduct that qualify as rape, but not every act of sexual misconduct is rape.
Statutory Rape always brings the example of an 18 dude year old having consensual sex with his 16 year old girlfriend, or far more rarely the other way. round. Honestly I cannot consider that rape. I think that an 18 year old should not do it, and should know better, but take this exaggerated example. Jonny and Sue are having sex on his 18th birthday. At midnight 17 year old Jonny becomes 18 year old Jonny and suddenly he is not just having a good time, he is committing a felony?
I think we should probably exclude that from the rape category and reserve that word for more serious offenses. The systematic rape of women in war is a crime even more heinous than stranger in the bushes rape since it's not a lone deviant but a power structure giving license to men's worst nature. Rape as a war crime is not the same as common sexual assault.
But what does count as Statutory Rape, or rape that is not accomplished with force or the threat of force? I can think of many examples. The coach or teacher that uses a position of authority and trust to coerce a student into having sex. I believe that counts as rape even though there was no force or threat of force. That kind of abuse of authority is very similar to a parent molesting a child. This kind of thing happens among siblings and other close relations. Often the 'threat' is not physical but emotional or blackmail. If you are coercing someone into sex with threats, something is wrong. No this is not the stranger in the bushes rape scenario, but it can do as much damage and it often happens over a prolonged period of time. The fact is 'stranger in the bushes rape' is pretty damn uncommon, where as the situations I described above are very common and I beleive in most cases they are serious enough to qualify as rape.
I read recently that 'These aren't your words to define" The 'your' in this case meant 'men's'
I get that, I see how as the vast majority of rapes are committed by men against women it is rather self serving for men to try and define exactly what rape is and what it isn't. The problem is that if you exclude men from the conversation you also exclude them from the solution. Women by and large don't rape people, men do, so if you want to stop that you have got to get the men on the same page.
I think that 'real' rape, 'forceful' rape, 'legitimate' rape, disgusts most men. I think that most men see the stranger in the bushes rapist as a subhuman species. So we are on board there. I think most men want to hurt people like that, I know I do, and most of the men I know feel the same way. We are men, that is how we solve problems. I guess we figure all we need to do is give someone a good beating and they will change thier evil ways forever, if not then we kill them. That is Y chromosone problem solving at it's most fundamental level. I think the problem is that many men don't see the big deal with other kinds of sexual coercion, I don't think women have included men in this as well as they should. I think our culture has not served men in this regard, I think a lot of men don't get it. I think a lot of men think, "Well, it's just sex, and it's not like he raped her or anything" Believe it or not men and women are not the same, we do not think the same way, and we certainly don't look at sex the same way. Women have got to take this into account when dealing with men, especially when talking about sex. For a lot of men there really is only one kind of rape and that is forceful rape. See Tod Akin.
The whole "no means no" campaign is a start but it shouldn't get that far. If a woman has to tell you NO, then I believe a man has already crossed the line. But women are not blameless in this. I know I am treading on thin ice here but at least hear me out. If you bring a guy back to your apartment, or you go to his, and after a consensual make out session on the couch things start moving too quickly for you, and you have to say "NO" I think you have probably compromised yourself and possibly your safety. Yes you have a right to say no at anytime, but you should also not allow yourself to get into a position where your only recourse is to say NO. You are playing with fire, and you are not blameless if you get burned. I am not blaming the victim, I am not saying that if a women wears sexy clothing "she is just asking for it" If a man has sex with a woman against her will he is a criminal and a PoS in my opinion. but I hold people to account for their actions, and that includes victims. If you leave your purse at the bar and someone steals it are you the criminal? No, the thief is, but you were foolish for leaving your purse unattended. If you drink too much at a bar and go home with some loser, pass out and he has sex with you, HE is a criminal, I do not say otherwise, but you were foolish for getting into that situation.
Let me tell you a true story.
I had been seeing a woman for a while and after a couple dates we went back to her place. Things were going very nicely, and after consensual foreplay, we started having started having consensual sex. After a few minutes she decided that she really didn't want to do this after-all and told me to stop. I did, but I was very angry with her for going that far into something and then changing her mind. I dressed and left. Yes, she had the right to change her mind, yes she had a right to say NO, and I had an obligation, morally and legally, to stop. But that was stupid, it was foolish and stupid to get herself into that situation when she wasn't sure she wanted to do it. We were both adults, and no alcohol was involved, and there was no coercion on my part. But what if the next day she decided it was "rape"? This does happen, and it would have been my word agaisnt hers. I've never forgotten that situation and no doubt it colors my world view as to what 'rape' is and isn't. Sometimes women decide after the fact that they really didn't want to have sex and cry rape, and sometimes women make it up out of thin air.
Why am I bringing all this up? It's not because I'm trying to excuse rape I assure you. The problem is when you have a situation where two consenting adults have sex and then because one party decides it's rape, it's rape; the very word can become so freighted with misunderstanding that we have to define what kind of rape we are talking about. It is because all these things, personal experience, media reports, sensational stories, misunderstanding of what rape is and is not, these things all color our conversation about this subject. I am not with the "Rape is Rape" crowd. I believe there are gradations to the various acts of criminal sexual misconduct that we collectively call 'Rape"
"Murder is not murder" at least no in the american judicial system, there are gradations. I believe the same is true about rape and we have to be mature enough to talk about it.
Rape is never OK. It doesn't matter if it is forceful, legitimate, statutory, or opportunistic. Do not get me wrong here, but I feel like the conversation is being shut down by the 'rape is rape' camp. It is also being shut down by the 'you are a man so you don't have any thing to say about rape' crowd. If you want to raise men who understand what rape is and why rape is a bad thing you have to talk to us about it, and honestly I think if we want rape to retain it's proper force and meaning we cannot apply it to lesser offenses.
As always I welcome your input.
-Justus
****** edited to add******
As below in the comments.
I am getting a lot of flack for "blaming the victim"
Before you level that charge please read what I've written carefully and if you still believe that I am blaming women for rape ask yourself what effect removing all responsibility for personal safety from women means.
Stating that men bear all the responsibility for rape, and that only men can stop rape from happening is extremely disempowering to women. If follows the the now wide spread dispersion of personal responsibility that is becoming a fundamental part of our culture. Mistakes were made but not by me.
If you are the victim of a crime examining what you did that left you vulnerable does not in anyway take blame away from the criminal who committed the crime. Why is this one particular crime any different? When there is a PSA that says "To help prevent theft, don't leave valuables visible in your car" There are never cries of "Stop blaming the victim!" or "Everyone knows stealing is wrong, don't blame the victim, only thieves can stop theft"
Sometimes you do everything right and you still get robbed. Some women are extremely cautious and smart and still get raped. But you can do a lot to prevent theft, to make yourself less vulnerable to thieves. I believe women can do a lot to prevent rape and to make themselves less vulnerable to rapists. Arguing that women bear no responsibility, and shouldn't have to do anything to prevent rape is baffling to me.
I don't want rape to happen. I want men to stop raping women, I want men to learn that coercing a woman to have sex is wrong and that forcing a woman to have sex is criminal.
Why am I wrong for also wanting women to take steps to safeguard themselves from rape? How am I blaming women for being raped?
If we could rely on people to do the right thing, to respect our individual rights, we wouldn't need door locks or safes, or police! Why do you feel that for this one particular crime, the only solution is to rely on men doing the right thing?
***and to change Todd Adkin to Todd Akin