Tutorship and Escape
First, I have to admit something unproductive. I avoid the 'you can never truly understand anyone' thing as much as possible, but in terms of spiritualism and philosophy, it is unavoidable. This is another thing, such as quality of life, that is physically possible yet the existing social structure makes it implausible. As I do my therapy, philosophy, organization, and spiritualism, the effectiveness as shown by my progress would skyrocket if I had a comrade in which to engage in the activities with. This would come from perspective, discipline, peer pressure, and even fill a strong social demand along the way. However, no one I know (be it a common social ally or a more distant friend I chill with occasionally) has interest in psychotheraputic phenomenology. Thus, I have always attempted to abstain from even talking of the actual philosophical application to my life. People lack interest in German existentialism either way (yet Sartre had such a heavily strong German influence). I have attempted to make up for this with documentation by plotting data based on the Methylphenidate usage by monitoring symptoms and attempting to find patterns in order to optimize the efficiency of the drug (yet, according to the psychiatrist, mood should not affect the strength of the drug and it is very bizarre that it really does).
Nonetheless, I can't help but regret the isolation of man in the quest for spirit - the essence of the self. Again, this is not the fault of reality, but rather it is the fault of the weakness of the world. I don't even know why I mention it. I believe I may consider others in terms of psychophenomenology, but I am just so out of touch with the feelings of others. All my friends used to be girls and now the few girls I am friends with have submissive feminine roles and are very masculine in their personalities. I don't know what the issue with others is but I believe I must have gained some inhibitions over the past year or so (the past year has been so life-altering for me as it started the focus on the rebirth past post-collapse). The effects can be seen as simple as interacting with people at work. I used to have such strong social anxiety that I would never talk to anyone, yet after six months of working with them I would be relatively comfortable. Now, it has been six months at this job and I feel more socially awkward than ever. This may be a sign of my inability to establish meaningful relationships, but this is a very recent problem. Perhaps the simplicity and effectiveness of mindless masculine friendships has spoiled me.
In completion, I can survive without comradeship. It is very difficult but the big problem the lack of comradeship brings is the inefficiency of a single test subject without any sort of control or comparison. Any standardization must be done with reasoning which is quite difficult. I do not expect others to understand. Mysticism, after all, is a subjective experience. Especially according to the damn proof Grayson and myself discovered. How can I expect someone to understand the essence of existential nihilism? Post-Heidegger psychophenomenology? Taoism applied in a western culture, using the Tao as a tool? The meaning of life being defined using free will? All these are very specific: Nihilism outside of existential studies is good and accurate, but it is just not the science-like concept I personally focus on. These terms are so complex and detailed yet all of this can be experienced merely by walking outdoors, seeing the beauty in nature and to feel contempt for the world. That is all that one needs yet no one in willing to develop it as such. Perhaps I am thinking of trying to redefine things in the terms of others to see if I can have a discussion on spiritualism with someone else, because outside of perspectives on God and faith (atheists included), no one seems to care much about spiritualism at all. It's not like it contradicts science or neurology, in fact, the essence of spiritualism is the capability of spiritualism to exist in harmony with and despite neurology.
Also, I started to crash on Saturday. Despite my drugs, I am still bipolar. When I'm down, I have low functioning. I manage to succeed and embrace things to bring me up, but this is difficult and I just fall back down again. If the downswing of the bipolar fluctuation is weakening, I may just stay up. However, I am having trouble getting back up and I have been failing a lot from that (though I have been very efficient in school for some reason). This is in regard to general metatherapy rather than the progress of my life. Despite my recent discovery on the secret of mindfulness (people say it cannot be communicated but must be experienced, but it really can be spoken, and it took forever before I heard someone say it: "Study the feeling and it will pass", and that was out of context anyways), meditation has been very difficult as of late. I cannot clear my mind and the pool of anxiety exists everywhere. I feel perfectly calm but my mind is weak. As such, it cannot be kept clear, making focus difficult. I am choosing to gain a better grasp of focus meditation before practicing mainly mindfulness. I also am choosing to focus on the Buddhist meditations because the Taoist forms are very complex and abstract and require more of a background than what I presently have. Any physical actions such as weight training, Tai Chi, and Muay Thai will be stalled until my health improves which of course I am looking into. A key trick in meditation is time. If you take 25 deep breaths during meditation (which should take several minutes), your mind starts to change its present state. However, do 50 breaths, and you are dissociated from reality, existing in your own world. The will power to breathe for 15 minutes (even if you only take 50 breaths in that entire time) is very difficult and we are distracted by our worldly situation. Therefore, I have decided I must go to quasi-nature and spent an entire day focusing on the spiritual exercises. Probably the crest, I remember it being a pretty awesome place to have my dad's funeral. But this will give me hundreds of breaths, force me to perform many different exercises, and allow me to become so dissociated that I return to the world in a much more peaceful state.
Nonetheless, I can't help but regret the isolation of man in the quest for spirit - the essence of the self. Again, this is not the fault of reality, but rather it is the fault of the weakness of the world. I don't even know why I mention it. I believe I may consider others in terms of psychophenomenology, but I am just so out of touch with the feelings of others. All my friends used to be girls and now the few girls I am friends with have submissive feminine roles and are very masculine in their personalities. I don't know what the issue with others is but I believe I must have gained some inhibitions over the past year or so (the past year has been so life-altering for me as it started the focus on the rebirth past post-collapse). The effects can be seen as simple as interacting with people at work. I used to have such strong social anxiety that I would never talk to anyone, yet after six months of working with them I would be relatively comfortable. Now, it has been six months at this job and I feel more socially awkward than ever. This may be a sign of my inability to establish meaningful relationships, but this is a very recent problem. Perhaps the simplicity and effectiveness of mindless masculine friendships has spoiled me.
In completion, I can survive without comradeship. It is very difficult but the big problem the lack of comradeship brings is the inefficiency of a single test subject without any sort of control or comparison. Any standardization must be done with reasoning which is quite difficult. I do not expect others to understand. Mysticism, after all, is a subjective experience. Especially according to the damn proof Grayson and myself discovered. How can I expect someone to understand the essence of existential nihilism? Post-Heidegger psychophenomenology? Taoism applied in a western culture, using the Tao as a tool? The meaning of life being defined using free will? All these are very specific: Nihilism outside of existential studies is good and accurate, but it is just not the science-like concept I personally focus on. These terms are so complex and detailed yet all of this can be experienced merely by walking outdoors, seeing the beauty in nature and to feel contempt for the world. That is all that one needs yet no one in willing to develop it as such. Perhaps I am thinking of trying to redefine things in the terms of others to see if I can have a discussion on spiritualism with someone else, because outside of perspectives on God and faith (atheists included), no one seems to care much about spiritualism at all. It's not like it contradicts science or neurology, in fact, the essence of spiritualism is the capability of spiritualism to exist in harmony with and despite neurology.
Also, I started to crash on Saturday. Despite my drugs, I am still bipolar. When I'm down, I have low functioning. I manage to succeed and embrace things to bring me up, but this is difficult and I just fall back down again. If the downswing of the bipolar fluctuation is weakening, I may just stay up. However, I am having trouble getting back up and I have been failing a lot from that (though I have been very efficient in school for some reason). This is in regard to general metatherapy rather than the progress of my life. Despite my recent discovery on the secret of mindfulness (people say it cannot be communicated but must be experienced, but it really can be spoken, and it took forever before I heard someone say it: "Study the feeling and it will pass", and that was out of context anyways), meditation has been very difficult as of late. I cannot clear my mind and the pool of anxiety exists everywhere. I feel perfectly calm but my mind is weak. As such, it cannot be kept clear, making focus difficult. I am choosing to gain a better grasp of focus meditation before practicing mainly mindfulness. I also am choosing to focus on the Buddhist meditations because the Taoist forms are very complex and abstract and require more of a background than what I presently have. Any physical actions such as weight training, Tai Chi, and Muay Thai will be stalled until my health improves which of course I am looking into. A key trick in meditation is time. If you take 25 deep breaths during meditation (which should take several minutes), your mind starts to change its present state. However, do 50 breaths, and you are dissociated from reality, existing in your own world. The will power to breathe for 15 minutes (even if you only take 50 breaths in that entire time) is very difficult and we are distracted by our worldly situation. Therefore, I have decided I must go to quasi-nature and spent an entire day focusing on the spiritual exercises. Probably the crest, I remember it being a pretty awesome place to have my dad's funeral. But this will give me hundreds of breaths, force me to perform many different exercises, and allow me to become so dissociated that I return to the world in a much more peaceful state.