Stuff
My aunt passed away yesterday. We were expecting it; she had pancreatic cancer for the last 10 months. Even expecting it, I'm still pretty broken up over it. I'm close with my Taiwanese family, and especially close with my aunts. She used to always be one of the ones at the airport to greet us when we arrived. She made the best dumplings in the family; she taught me the wrapping technique last March, and we laughed when mine were more clearly made "with love" than talent. When I was a teen, I spent an entire summer taking care of her youngest son; he was my baby, and I did everything from feedings to changings to rocking him to sleep. Her 2 year old grandson, a wild child, was my little buddy last March. Wednesday, she went to our family's shrine and celebrated one of the Buddhist holidays. Afterwards, she said our family's god said it was time for her to return to him, and a few hours later, she passed quietly in her sleep.
My mom and brother will be heading back for the funeral. I feel sad that I can't go with them, but I know it's okay since my role is different than theirs. Since I'm good at walling things off behind distractions or pragmatism, I keep thinking I'm okay, so I poke at my feelings to see if I'm really okay or if I can make myself cry. Did I mention I'm masochistic? I make myself cry each time, but I keep poking anyways. I'm tired of crying. I'd have thought that 10 months of prep would have made me cry less, but that's not how this works, I guess.
My mom and brother will be heading back for the funeral. I feel sad that I can't go with them, but I know it's okay since my role is different than theirs. Since I'm good at walling things off behind distractions or pragmatism, I keep thinking I'm okay, so I poke at my feelings to see if I'm really okay or if I can make myself cry. Did I mention I'm masochistic? I make myself cry each time, but I keep poking anyways. I'm tired of crying. I'd have thought that 10 months of prep would have made me cry less, but that's not how this works, I guess.