The Crack Without A Name
Title: The Crack Without A Name (yet)
Author: synergyfox
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: Mockery... charlie horses... a confused Richard when it isn't Saturday.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'um... which is probably a good thing, really if you think about it, partially Inspired by yummypumpkins since she did the Mord'Puppy picture and and *rambles*
A/N: So I went out and bought Diary of a Wimpy Kid and *flails* I really wanna see Marmaduke! *squees* so excited! MARMADUKE! All those doggies dancing Thriller (at least I think it's Thriller) *flails*
Whack.
"Ow!"
"Stop being such a baby."
"Are you implying that I am an infant?!"
Whack.
"Stop hitting me!"
"Stop hitting me."
"Do not mock me!"
"Do not mock me."
Thwack!
"You hit me with your Agiel!"
"You mocked me!"
"You're acting like an insufferable infant!"
Thwack!
"Ow! Stop hitting me!"
"How does it feel to be hit!?"
"I didn't hit you with an Agiel!"
"You were mocking me!"
"How was I mocking you?"
"You used your mocky-voice."
A pause...
"Did you just say mocky-voice?"
Richard stared at the wall in the room he was currently staying in; Zedd was currently passed out on the bed next to his, having had his fill of mutten and some sort of fruit flavored juice. Kahlan and Cara were sharing a room as usual and it sounded like they were arguing, not that he could blame them (he was hoping Cara stormed out and he could comfort the Confessor).
Richard crossed his arms over his chest and one thigh over another, jutting his lower lip out, he was quite jealous of Cara getting to board with Kahlan. Kahlan was his and since Cara joined "Team Awesome" as he so fondly thought of it, Kahlan and Cara shared a room (after the "Stowcroft incident" of course).
"Go to bed, Cara."
"I can't sleep."
"Bed!"
"You are not my mother and cannot tell me when to - ow, ow, ow! Okay! Okay! Let go of my ear!" There was a crash and Richard stiffened from his place on the bed, "I hate you, Kahlan Amnell."
"Hate is such a strong word... and really I think you love me, you just haven't learned how to properly express your feelings yet." Richard blinked, his jaw dropping, Kahlan was teasing the Mord'Sith and not getting Agieled for it. Whenever he tried Cara just glared at him and occasionally jabbed him in the side (usually in his sleep and muttering about "revenge best served cold"... you can't eat revenge).
He sighed and crawled under the covers, pulling his sword to him, cuddling it with another sigh, wishing it were Kahlan.
Later That Night
Richard jolted awake, rubbing his eyes to clear the sleep, confused as to just why he was currently awake, then the sound registered in his ears.
A moan.
His eyes narrowed to slits.
"Oh, don't stop Mother Confessor."
"Stop being so loud."
"It's not my fault you're so skilled with your fingers."
"I was taught many things in Aydindril."
Richard's eyes narrowed further, was he hearing wrong or was Kahlan actually teasing the Mord'Sith. He set his jaw when Cara moaned again and shot out of bed, gripping the Sword of Truth by the sheath.
"Oh! Right there..."
"I still can't believe your so sensitive."
Another moan, "Only when you touch me like that..."
"You're such a baby."
"Kahlan." Cara's voice held an unspoken warning.
"Cara." Kahlan's voice was full of mirth, "You know it's your turn next, right?"
Richard rushed from the room, there was no way he was going to let the woman who "claimed" allegiance to him dirty the Mother Confessor's reputation (let alone take her innocence, that was his duty after all).
Another moan, seriously, what was Kahlan doing to her?!
He was in front of their door in an instant and before he could put thought into it, he was kicking the door down, gripping the hilt of his sword in anger, "Don't you dare touch the Mother Confessor, Temple Who-" the words froze on his lips at the sight in front of him.
Cara was sprawled out on the bed (looking as lazy as a Mord'Sith could manage), head resting on the pillows. The blonde's right leg was resting comfortably on Kahlan's lap as the Mother Confessor of the Midlands massaged her bare calf.
Or at least... Cara's head had been resting on the pillow... her leg had been on Kahlan's lap... the Mother Confessor had been massaging Cara's calf.
Now was a very different story.
Cara was half out of the bed, one foot on the ground as she struggled with a sheet, attempting to get at Richard with her Agiels. A simple yet deadly dagger was embedded in the wall behind him, having missed his face by millimeters.
"RICHARD CYPHER!" Kahlan shouted angrily, jumping out of bed in her night shift, her other dagger in her left hand, snatching one of Cara's Agiels with her other while the blonde fought with the sheet.
"You had better explain... now..." She hissed, eyes dark with righteous rage.
"I was trying to... protect your honor!" Richard gulped and stepped back, "It... sounded like... you and... Cara... were... going to..."
She jabbed his side with the Agiel, glowering, "She had a cramp in her leg! I was merely working it out!" She paused, "And so what if we were, even though we weren't, that isn't the point! I and I alone choose who I will bed, Richard Cypher!" She jabbed a very sensitive place on his pectoral this time and he let out a high pitched squeal, his hands flying to his chest, gripping the pained area, dropping his sword to the ground.
"Stop channeling the Mord'Sith! It's scary!" He shouted, his voice rising in pitch (almost cracking) while he tried to look as macho as possible.
He had never seen Kahlan so angry in his life (not including the time she went all Con'Dar on Darken's ass, that didn't count), and he definately did not like having the anger directed at him.
"I'm not channeling the Mord'Sith!" She jabbed his other pectoral and he let out another squeal, gripping his chest in a very manly fashion.
"Stop channeling Cara then!"
"ZEDDICUS ZU'L ZORANDER!" She roared, her voice echoing oddly (it must be the ~powerful magic~ Zedd was always on about), and his grandfather was stumbling out of the room seconds later; Kahlan glared at Richard, pointing the Agiel at him, the weapon was dangerously close to his nose, he did not move, "You need to talk to your grandson about privacy and vandalism."
"Richard!" Zedd scolded, staring at the destroyed door, covering up an amused smile as Cara continued to struggle and fight with the bedding, now in an odd position (somehow all of the bedding had joined this struggle of epicness).
"Would you be so kind as to fix our door?" Kahlan asked the old man, ignoring the owner's horrified face (obviously having come out of his room to find out what the disturbance was all about, along with the other inn patrons).
"Of course, Kahlan." Zedd attempted to hold back his laugh as he watched Cara land face first on the floor, her face scrunched up in utter concentration.
Kahlan rolled her eyes and tossed her dagger onto the bed in their room, missing Cara easily, "Watch where you throw that thing!" Cara snapped, straining against the sheets.
The brunette ignored her, grabbed her dagger from the wall and jabbed Richard in the nose with the Agiel, his hands flew to his nose, tears falling.
"Ow! Kahlan!" He squealed.
"Be sensible and knock next time!" She turned on her heel and marched into her shared room; Zedd waved his hand using extremely powerful magic to fix the door (because as a Wizard of the First Order his magic was obviously way more powerful than regular magic).
"Don't you put that near me! Hey! Watch the skin!"
Rip.
"Now that was just rude."
Richard was sure he heard Kahlan's voice turn seductive.
"Get back in bed, Cara."
A pause.
"Yes Mistress." Now Cara was mocking...
Richard gulped and looked at Zedd, he wasn't about to have a repeat visit from Kahlan in her badass Mother Confessor-mode. She was scarier than when it was that time of the month.
He paused in following Zedd back to their room (scooping down to pick up his shiny, color-changing sword that was just made of awesome), maybe he could get Zedd to use his ~powerful magic~ he always bragged about to have the two sync their womanly times... and then unleash them on the People's Palace...
He smiled, it was worth talking to Zedd about.
His smile immediately disappeared.
Or not...
They were both scary enough as it was, maybe some sort of silencing charm for his ears then.
*flails and runs around* *stops to make a logic* O__O
Crack!fics are to you as comments are to me... read it... understand it... embrace the madness!
Author: synergyfox
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: Mockery... charlie horses... a confused Richard when it isn't Saturday.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'um... which is probably a good thing, really if you think about it, partially Inspired by yummypumpkins since she did the Mord'Puppy picture and and *rambles*
A/N: So I went out and bought Diary of a Wimpy Kid and *flails* I really wanna see Marmaduke! *squees* so excited! MARMADUKE! All those doggies dancing Thriller (at least I think it's Thriller) *flails*
Whack.
"Ow!"
"Stop being such a baby."
"Are you implying that I am an infant?!"
Whack.
"Stop hitting me!"
"Stop hitting me."
"Do not mock me!"
"Do not mock me."
Thwack!
"You hit me with your Agiel!"
"You mocked me!"
"You're acting like an insufferable infant!"
Thwack!
"Ow! Stop hitting me!"
"How does it feel to be hit!?"
"I didn't hit you with an Agiel!"
"You were mocking me!"
"How was I mocking you?"
"You used your mocky-voice."
A pause...
"Did you just say mocky-voice?"
Richard stared at the wall in the room he was currently staying in; Zedd was currently passed out on the bed next to his, having had his fill of mutten and some sort of fruit flavored juice. Kahlan and Cara were sharing a room as usual and it sounded like they were arguing, not that he could blame them (he was hoping Cara stormed out and he could comfort the Confessor).
Richard crossed his arms over his chest and one thigh over another, jutting his lower lip out, he was quite jealous of Cara getting to board with Kahlan. Kahlan was his and since Cara joined "Team Awesome" as he so fondly thought of it, Kahlan and Cara shared a room (after the "Stowcroft incident" of course).
"Go to bed, Cara."
"I can't sleep."
"Bed!"
"You are not my mother and cannot tell me when to - ow, ow, ow! Okay! Okay! Let go of my ear!" There was a crash and Richard stiffened from his place on the bed, "I hate you, Kahlan Amnell."
"Hate is such a strong word... and really I think you love me, you just haven't learned how to properly express your feelings yet." Richard blinked, his jaw dropping, Kahlan was teasing the Mord'Sith and not getting Agieled for it. Whenever he tried Cara just glared at him and occasionally jabbed him in the side (usually in his sleep and muttering about "revenge best served cold"... you can't eat revenge).
He sighed and crawled under the covers, pulling his sword to him, cuddling it with another sigh, wishing it were Kahlan.
Later That Night
Richard jolted awake, rubbing his eyes to clear the sleep, confused as to just why he was currently awake, then the sound registered in his ears.
A moan.
His eyes narrowed to slits.
"Oh, don't stop Mother Confessor."
"Stop being so loud."
"It's not my fault you're so skilled with your fingers."
"I was taught many things in Aydindril."
Richard's eyes narrowed further, was he hearing wrong or was Kahlan actually teasing the Mord'Sith. He set his jaw when Cara moaned again and shot out of bed, gripping the Sword of Truth by the sheath.
"Oh! Right there..."
"I still can't believe your so sensitive."
Another moan, "Only when you touch me like that..."
"You're such a baby."
"Kahlan." Cara's voice held an unspoken warning.
"Cara." Kahlan's voice was full of mirth, "You know it's your turn next, right?"
Richard rushed from the room, there was no way he was going to let the woman who "claimed" allegiance to him dirty the Mother Confessor's reputation (let alone take her innocence, that was his duty after all).
Another moan, seriously, what was Kahlan doing to her?!
He was in front of their door in an instant and before he could put thought into it, he was kicking the door down, gripping the hilt of his sword in anger, "Don't you dare touch the Mother Confessor, Temple Who-" the words froze on his lips at the sight in front of him.
Cara was sprawled out on the bed (looking as lazy as a Mord'Sith could manage), head resting on the pillows. The blonde's right leg was resting comfortably on Kahlan's lap as the Mother Confessor of the Midlands massaged her bare calf.
Or at least... Cara's head had been resting on the pillow... her leg had been on Kahlan's lap... the Mother Confessor had been massaging Cara's calf.
Now was a very different story.
Cara was half out of the bed, one foot on the ground as she struggled with a sheet, attempting to get at Richard with her Agiels. A simple yet deadly dagger was embedded in the wall behind him, having missed his face by millimeters.
"RICHARD CYPHER!" Kahlan shouted angrily, jumping out of bed in her night shift, her other dagger in her left hand, snatching one of Cara's Agiels with her other while the blonde fought with the sheet.
"You had better explain... now..." She hissed, eyes dark with righteous rage.
"I was trying to... protect your honor!" Richard gulped and stepped back, "It... sounded like... you and... Cara... were... going to..."
She jabbed his side with the Agiel, glowering, "She had a cramp in her leg! I was merely working it out!" She paused, "And so what if we were, even though we weren't, that isn't the point! I and I alone choose who I will bed, Richard Cypher!" She jabbed a very sensitive place on his pectoral this time and he let out a high pitched squeal, his hands flying to his chest, gripping the pained area, dropping his sword to the ground.
"Stop channeling the Mord'Sith! It's scary!" He shouted, his voice rising in pitch (almost cracking) while he tried to look as macho as possible.
He had never seen Kahlan so angry in his life (not including the time she went all Con'Dar on Darken's ass, that didn't count), and he definately did not like having the anger directed at him.
"I'm not channeling the Mord'Sith!" She jabbed his other pectoral and he let out another squeal, gripping his chest in a very manly fashion.
"Stop channeling Cara then!"
"ZEDDICUS ZU'L ZORANDER!" She roared, her voice echoing oddly (it must be the ~powerful magic~ Zedd was always on about), and his grandfather was stumbling out of the room seconds later; Kahlan glared at Richard, pointing the Agiel at him, the weapon was dangerously close to his nose, he did not move, "You need to talk to your grandson about privacy and vandalism."
"Richard!" Zedd scolded, staring at the destroyed door, covering up an amused smile as Cara continued to struggle and fight with the bedding, now in an odd position (somehow all of the bedding had joined this struggle of epicness).
"Would you be so kind as to fix our door?" Kahlan asked the old man, ignoring the owner's horrified face (obviously having come out of his room to find out what the disturbance was all about, along with the other inn patrons).
"Of course, Kahlan." Zedd attempted to hold back his laugh as he watched Cara land face first on the floor, her face scrunched up in utter concentration.
Kahlan rolled her eyes and tossed her dagger onto the bed in their room, missing Cara easily, "Watch where you throw that thing!" Cara snapped, straining against the sheets.
The brunette ignored her, grabbed her dagger from the wall and jabbed Richard in the nose with the Agiel, his hands flew to his nose, tears falling.
"Ow! Kahlan!" He squealed.
"Be sensible and knock next time!" She turned on her heel and marched into her shared room; Zedd waved his hand using extremely powerful magic to fix the door (because as a Wizard of the First Order his magic was obviously way more powerful than regular magic).
"Don't you put that near me! Hey! Watch the skin!"
Rip.
"Now that was just rude."
Richard was sure he heard Kahlan's voice turn seductive.
"Get back in bed, Cara."
A pause.
"Yes Mistress." Now Cara was mocking...
Richard gulped and looked at Zedd, he wasn't about to have a repeat visit from Kahlan in her badass Mother Confessor-mode. She was scarier than when it was that time of the month.
He paused in following Zedd back to their room (scooping down to pick up his shiny, color-changing sword that was just made of awesome), maybe he could get Zedd to use his ~powerful magic~ he always bragged about to have the two sync their womanly times... and then unleash them on the People's Palace...
He smiled, it was worth talking to Zedd about.
His smile immediately disappeared.
Or not...
They were both scary enough as it was, maybe some sort of silencing charm for his ears then.
*flails and runs around* *stops to make a logic* O__O
Crack!fics are to you as comments are to me... read it... understand it... embrace the madness!