(no subject)
I had an interview with the job centre last Tuesday and they asked me about why I quit my job. I've used up every other reason I could, so in the end, having had just one line to talk about it, I wrote down "bad memories of child abuse in school".
The interviewer was really wonderful about it. He let me keep the form so I could write something more detailed about it, even though he shouldn't have. The JSA people are pretty wonderful at times.
Since I wrote that down, I've kinda been in a funny place. On one hand feeling really, really bad, crying a lot of the time and just being emotionally exhausted. On the other hand, slowly pulling into myself, learning to push the bad stuff out, letting go and healing. It's like I'm starting to learn to talk about it, so now everything will fall into place. But, dammit, it was hard. I was shaking in the job centre and I just couldn't write anything when they put the form in front of me. It's one thing on the internet, or my counsellor, another thing with people there. It's been almost as difficult as coming out at the start of the transition process.
But, however bad, it's been really good for me to get it out and I really want to get the form back to them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that's hard too. I tried Friday and, dammit... No matter how bad doing something about this is, not doing something will be worse. I'm already losing many of my friends because I won't talk to them, I'm hysterical and moody to strangers or when doing stuff like volunteering and I really, really need a better way to cope.
I'm still unsure about characterising what happened in that way. After all, I know that no one meant to do half the things my subconscious is drawing out from my childhood, but the nature of gender dysphoria is such that my subconscious knew I was a girl and so all the stuff at school in which I got taught to behave properly was just abuse, which I learned to cope with and engage in. I'm learning, if I want to be whole psychologically, to just go with it. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. On the other hand, I don't need justice, if that makes sense. Just a bit of sympathy seems to do wonders. Just what the JSA person did, being nice to me a little, helped immeasurably. Being taken seriously, as if the feelings are real, and not a fabrication designed to get attention. That's the bit I think that's most important.
The interviewer was really wonderful about it. He let me keep the form so I could write something more detailed about it, even though he shouldn't have. The JSA people are pretty wonderful at times.
Since I wrote that down, I've kinda been in a funny place. On one hand feeling really, really bad, crying a lot of the time and just being emotionally exhausted. On the other hand, slowly pulling into myself, learning to push the bad stuff out, letting go and healing. It's like I'm starting to learn to talk about it, so now everything will fall into place. But, dammit, it was hard. I was shaking in the job centre and I just couldn't write anything when they put the form in front of me. It's one thing on the internet, or my counsellor, another thing with people there. It's been almost as difficult as coming out at the start of the transition process.
But, however bad, it's been really good for me to get it out and I really want to get the form back to them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that's hard too. I tried Friday and, dammit... No matter how bad doing something about this is, not doing something will be worse. I'm already losing many of my friends because I won't talk to them, I'm hysterical and moody to strangers or when doing stuff like volunteering and I really, really need a better way to cope.
I'm still unsure about characterising what happened in that way. After all, I know that no one meant to do half the things my subconscious is drawing out from my childhood, but the nature of gender dysphoria is such that my subconscious knew I was a girl and so all the stuff at school in which I got taught to behave properly was just abuse, which I learned to cope with and engage in. I'm learning, if I want to be whole psychologically, to just go with it. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. On the other hand, I don't need justice, if that makes sense. Just a bit of sympathy seems to do wonders. Just what the JSA person did, being nice to me a little, helped immeasurably. Being taken seriously, as if the feelings are real, and not a fabrication designed to get attention. That's the bit I think that's most important.