Life
I feel that I'm getting a handle on the massive emotional turbulence of the past few months. I've been looking for a way to simply express what's been happening to me in that time but I didn't understand enough to even begin to do that. However, I think I've been talking and thinking it through enough that I have kept getting a better picture of what's going on and I can finally try at the description I want.
What's happened is that, somewhere in the past few months, I crossed a line that I didn't know was there although I think I've stepped over it a few times, very briefly. On one side of that line I could choose to be female for a while, but I could go back any time I wanted. I could pick it up, but I could also put it down. I could be female when it suited me, but male when it didn't. The best of both worlds, the disadvantages of neither.
The other side of that line, I don't have a choice at all. I have to be female all the time, and I don't get to put it down when it doesn't suit me or when bad things happen because of it. I'm discovering what those downsides are, and some of them are pretty bad. For better or for worse, I switch to The Other Side and take everything that comes because of it.
All the angst and the turmoil of the last few months has been because of that, and all the adjustments it entails. I've been focusing more on the processes by which it happens and not really been able to see the wood for the trees.
One of the first things that has hit me is that I've just had it forcibly demonstrated to me the difference between a cross dresser/transgendered person and a transsexual. I've talked about that a little, but at this point, the difference is very stark and the two paths irrevocably diverge. I can understand why a cross dresser/transgendered wouldn't need to transition, but why I do. I keep feeling I should be sad about the things I'm losing and leaving behind, but I can't quite seem to feel bad about it for long. I also can't seem to work myself up about the new hazards I'll be facing.
The second thing that has hit me is that the whole process of transitioning has changed. I feel like I'm losing control of it. Before, I felt I was bashing at a wall that didn't want to come down, beating myself bloody against it. Only now I feel that it's coming down, only to reveal that on the other side there's a massive turbine sucking at me trying to pull me into the blades and rip me to shreds. So instead of trying to break down the wall, I'm clinging to it desperately and holding on for dear life. Only the wall is coming down because I wrought too well, eventually it will fully collapse and there's no safe place there, so I'd better find some way of getting past the turbine without getting ripped to shreds.
The whole lack of control in my life is galling. I have no control over my emotions, my body or how people treat me, and that's what's sweeping me along at the moment. If I don't manage to slow down, the whole thing will eat me up and destroy me. However, the emotions aren't so overwhelming as they were a few years ago, and I feel that I'm precariously dealing with all of these changes, just about. I'm hoping that as time progresses, it becomes less precarious.
What's happened is that, somewhere in the past few months, I crossed a line that I didn't know was there although I think I've stepped over it a few times, very briefly. On one side of that line I could choose to be female for a while, but I could go back any time I wanted. I could pick it up, but I could also put it down. I could be female when it suited me, but male when it didn't. The best of both worlds, the disadvantages of neither.
The other side of that line, I don't have a choice at all. I have to be female all the time, and I don't get to put it down when it doesn't suit me or when bad things happen because of it. I'm discovering what those downsides are, and some of them are pretty bad. For better or for worse, I switch to The Other Side and take everything that comes because of it.
All the angst and the turmoil of the last few months has been because of that, and all the adjustments it entails. I've been focusing more on the processes by which it happens and not really been able to see the wood for the trees.
One of the first things that has hit me is that I've just had it forcibly demonstrated to me the difference between a cross dresser/transgendered person and a transsexual. I've talked about that a little, but at this point, the difference is very stark and the two paths irrevocably diverge. I can understand why a cross dresser/transgendered wouldn't need to transition, but why I do. I keep feeling I should be sad about the things I'm losing and leaving behind, but I can't quite seem to feel bad about it for long. I also can't seem to work myself up about the new hazards I'll be facing.
The second thing that has hit me is that the whole process of transitioning has changed. I feel like I'm losing control of it. Before, I felt I was bashing at a wall that didn't want to come down, beating myself bloody against it. Only now I feel that it's coming down, only to reveal that on the other side there's a massive turbine sucking at me trying to pull me into the blades and rip me to shreds. So instead of trying to break down the wall, I'm clinging to it desperately and holding on for dear life. Only the wall is coming down because I wrought too well, eventually it will fully collapse and there's no safe place there, so I'd better find some way of getting past the turbine without getting ripped to shreds.
The whole lack of control in my life is galling. I have no control over my emotions, my body or how people treat me, and that's what's sweeping me along at the moment. If I don't manage to slow down, the whole thing will eat me up and destroy me. However, the emotions aren't so overwhelming as they were a few years ago, and I feel that I'm precariously dealing with all of these changes, just about. I'm hoping that as time progresses, it becomes less precarious.