Gender Related Stuff
I sent off a polite letter reminding the GIC that it had been five months since I'd finished group therapy at the Portman Clinic and they'd promised to see me soon after. Amazingly, this resulted almost immediately in an appointment being offered to me in the middle of May. I wish I knew why I hadn't had an appointment for five months, but I can't shake a niggling feeling that the therapist "forgot" to tell them I left.
I'm also slowly processing the details of Whipping Girl as I'm reading through it. I've finished the first half, which is more dryly academic, and I've moved into the later half which is more personal. As I'm reading, I'm finding experiences in there which I relate to incredibly well. I still feel a sense of wonder as I read through and I find things in there that explain exactly something I was thinking or feeling.
In having everything explained so clearly, I'm also coming to understand just how contradictory pretty much every mainstream idea, whether from the LGBT community or from the mainstream community, has proved to be. Never mind that none of these ideas fit how I feel about myself. The problem is that, in trying to explore who I am and how I fit into the world, I've taken all these ideas at face value not knowing any better. I've thought that, given how psychological professionals must be quite knowledgeable, they must know a lot about gender dysphoria and must have lots of experience, so I should take on board. I've assumed that feminists have valuable things to say about what it's like to be female and feminine. I assume that mainstream people have rational concerns over how transgender people fit into their world and the problems that transsexuality brings. I've been thinking that the voices of gender-variant people have a lot to say about what it's like to live in the real world as the opposite gender. I've been increasingly smashing into the problems of this, and never mind feeling cognitive dissonance because my body doesn't match the sex my brain thinks it should be, it's the cognitive dissonance I've felt trying to assume all relevant gender ideas are true, motivated by well meaning people who give a damn about others and are trying to be inclusive that has given me equal and horrible headaches.
What I've been discovering and what is laid out so clearly in the book, is just how utterly wrong this all is. Academics ditch science for belief and supposition, taking whatever solution matches their profession and makes them look good. Feminists hate all feminine people, especially when they're not women. Queer people don't give a damn about anyone else now that they're accepted and demand allegiance to radical gender politics in return for support. The most amazing thing is the complete fail involving absolutely everybody. I mean, not one single group or area, even the ones I admire and sometimes feel part of, has not achieved epic fail status dealing with transsexuals. Not one damn group.
It's no wonder I don't feel I belong to any group at the moment, and I feel so utterly alienated. I don't feel transsexual because I don't fit the diagnostic criteria given by psychologists (but that is founded on a lie and lots of bad science). I don't feel like a feminist because I don't hate femininity. I don't feel queer because I'm not radical or supportive enough of queer aims to be given sanctuary. It's no wonder I feel lost. About the only thing I can think of about this is just how bloody angry I am.
There is no possible way that I can exist and fit everyone's ideals of a good and tolerant person. My very existence, and the absolutely crazy positions people take, mean that there's not one damn thing I can do about fitting in to any single community in a sane or rational way. It will always be my fault that other people are wrong, or have to think about the problems I pose to their simple models. It's why the title of the book is as it is.
There is only one way I can think of to cope with this. I do what I need to do and I learn to get very good at explaining it over and over again to other people. If other people try to prioritise themselves over me, I have to get good at taking them down quickly by showing them the utter complete lack of sense they're making. Using a text like Whipping Girl, it shouldn't necessarily be hard. I'm very good at absorbing information like that and pushing it into a practical philosophy of living. I used to do it all the time, and part of the reason I write so much about disparate things on places like DW is that I'm rehearsing simple arguments for use against other people so that they can't bamboozle me with their arguments. At the moment I'm doing that with economic stuff, so I've been having plenty of practise.
What I need to do is make sure I understand all the terms exactly and be able to recall them quickly. I also need to memorise the pro-arguments along with the counter-arguments, so that if someone uses a pro-argument to try and take something away from me, I can muster the counter argument quickly. I used to do that with science when I was younger. It was lots of fun, especially when someone was being really arrogant.
To that end, I'm going to write out some simple essays on certain concepts so I can organise my thoughts and conduct the proper recall. I shall do that here. I shall cut them so you don't have to read them.
I'm also slowly processing the details of Whipping Girl as I'm reading through it. I've finished the first half, which is more dryly academic, and I've moved into the later half which is more personal. As I'm reading, I'm finding experiences in there which I relate to incredibly well. I still feel a sense of wonder as I read through and I find things in there that explain exactly something I was thinking or feeling.
In having everything explained so clearly, I'm also coming to understand just how contradictory pretty much every mainstream idea, whether from the LGBT community or from the mainstream community, has proved to be. Never mind that none of these ideas fit how I feel about myself. The problem is that, in trying to explore who I am and how I fit into the world, I've taken all these ideas at face value not knowing any better. I've thought that, given how psychological professionals must be quite knowledgeable, they must know a lot about gender dysphoria and must have lots of experience, so I should take on board. I've assumed that feminists have valuable things to say about what it's like to be female and feminine. I assume that mainstream people have rational concerns over how transgender people fit into their world and the problems that transsexuality brings. I've been thinking that the voices of gender-variant people have a lot to say about what it's like to live in the real world as the opposite gender. I've been increasingly smashing into the problems of this, and never mind feeling cognitive dissonance because my body doesn't match the sex my brain thinks it should be, it's the cognitive dissonance I've felt trying to assume all relevant gender ideas are true, motivated by well meaning people who give a damn about others and are trying to be inclusive that has given me equal and horrible headaches.
What I've been discovering and what is laid out so clearly in the book, is just how utterly wrong this all is. Academics ditch science for belief and supposition, taking whatever solution matches their profession and makes them look good. Feminists hate all feminine people, especially when they're not women. Queer people don't give a damn about anyone else now that they're accepted and demand allegiance to radical gender politics in return for support. The most amazing thing is the complete fail involving absolutely everybody. I mean, not one single group or area, even the ones I admire and sometimes feel part of, has not achieved epic fail status dealing with transsexuals. Not one damn group.
It's no wonder I don't feel I belong to any group at the moment, and I feel so utterly alienated. I don't feel transsexual because I don't fit the diagnostic criteria given by psychologists (but that is founded on a lie and lots of bad science). I don't feel like a feminist because I don't hate femininity. I don't feel queer because I'm not radical or supportive enough of queer aims to be given sanctuary. It's no wonder I feel lost. About the only thing I can think of about this is just how bloody angry I am.
There is no possible way that I can exist and fit everyone's ideals of a good and tolerant person. My very existence, and the absolutely crazy positions people take, mean that there's not one damn thing I can do about fitting in to any single community in a sane or rational way. It will always be my fault that other people are wrong, or have to think about the problems I pose to their simple models. It's why the title of the book is as it is.
There is only one way I can think of to cope with this. I do what I need to do and I learn to get very good at explaining it over and over again to other people. If other people try to prioritise themselves over me, I have to get good at taking them down quickly by showing them the utter complete lack of sense they're making. Using a text like Whipping Girl, it shouldn't necessarily be hard. I'm very good at absorbing information like that and pushing it into a practical philosophy of living. I used to do it all the time, and part of the reason I write so much about disparate things on places like DW is that I'm rehearsing simple arguments for use against other people so that they can't bamboozle me with their arguments. At the moment I'm doing that with economic stuff, so I've been having plenty of practise.
What I need to do is make sure I understand all the terms exactly and be able to recall them quickly. I also need to memorise the pro-arguments along with the counter-arguments, so that if someone uses a pro-argument to try and take something away from me, I can muster the counter argument quickly. I used to do that with science when I was younger. It was lots of fun, especially when someone was being really arrogant.
To that end, I'm going to write out some simple essays on certain concepts so I can organise my thoughts and conduct the proper recall. I shall do that here. I shall cut them so you don't have to read them.