Gratitude and HIV
There are usually lots of copies of POZ magazine sitting out at my office, but I don't pick it up that often. Today I did, for no particular reason. For their November issue, their cover story is a conversation with a diverse group of people with HIV about what they've got to be thankful for.
For complicated reasons, this article is a better-than-usual look at what my life is like at work, who I'm spending my time with. For all of the sickness and evictions and drugs and child protective calls and craziness, and, yes, death -- there is a whole lot of strength in my clients' lives, too, and somehow the perspective that an HIV diagnosis brings with it makes you appreciate the strengths in a whole new way. HIV is hellish, but it's also a hell of a teacher. The folks who have lived with it and been open to the learning process are truly amazing people. This is one of the things I love about my job.
When I think about this stuff I wonder if I might be crazy for thinking seriously, lately, about changing jobs. Where else am I going to have an opportunity like this to stay with people long-term, develop relationships, in a program that really does help people? With a good supervisor and a sane structure and good co-workers...
But the workload is HUGE, barely even humanly possible if it is possible at all, and it leaves me exhausted. I continue to get better at it consistently, and I'm still not consistently meeting the deadlines, and I've been there 2 years. And if I'm going to be working that hard, I'd like to be earning enough not to be terrified at the thought of bringing a baby into the family. These are the arguments that go round in my head.
Regardless of where I'm going with my work life, though, this job has taught me a LOT. And I am grateful for it.