Otra vez...

[symphony0f_lies]

Estoy muy triste. No pienso que voy a estar mejor, tampoco. Pienso que tengo un mente roto. Quiero creer que hablando y trabajando contra mi tristeza va a cambiarme, pero.. es obvio que naci en esta manera: roto. Es un pensamiento muy triste, pero no parece que hay una respuesta para mi. Deseo que naci normal, de mente en buen salud. No se... No se

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[symphony0f_lies]

the problem with the problem, is that it isnt 'boy problems' or 'friend problems' or anything at all of the sorts that im used to. its life problems, i am finally cracking. ive been deteriorating mentally for about 4 months now, i am afraid to sleep because i see things, i hear things, im horified im going to die at night -- for no reason that seems too logical. im having typical issues of existentialism and i spend a lot of time pondering my life and then i get physically sick from it. i cry for no reason, for hours. i cant control myself. i feel all at once like quitting my every desire -- i will work so hard, take so many classes and then just one moment will come that will say 'what the fuck is the point...' and that moment lasts like 2 weeks where im ill with depression and confusion and a lack of mobility in general.

i dont know what to do, dear. i honestly have no idea. worst part? even if i try and imagine, "hey life is what u make it" or "live for the moment, if im gonna die any way.." or if i think of all the ways i can heal this pain [tons of social situations etc] ill either 1)realize theres ultimately no point because itll never heal the biggest problem: im going to die any way, and 2)what usually occurs is ill instantly take way too seriously to a social rejection situation and then lock up for like the 2 wks any way.

sorry if that was a burden, my friend!

pft. no burden at all. helping and listening is what i do.

[sumthng_nside]

Yeah, life can definitely act exactly like the ocean, slowly wearing away at your sanity. sometimes i wonder how i manage. But somehow i do, and that is all that matters to me really.

What most humans do, when faced with your dilemma, is find way to go on temporary 'vacations'. Some people go away for alittle, some people take psychedelic trips, some just smoke weed, some go out and party, some go out and do absolutely random things with their friends. All in all it doesnt really matter, the only thing that matters is they are doing something to 'reset' their settings(so to speak)so that they can re-aproach life with alittle bit of a different view. humans are insanely based around change. if we sit and do the same things for extended amounts of time we begin to lose ourselves and some people simply unwind sanity wise.

to me it sounds like your life needs something to change(keep in mind i could be completely wrong, no ones perfect haha, nor should be.) quite possibly the whole rediculous six classes you're taking.

Life isn't what you make it. Basically life is trying your very best, but there is no garantee that you will succeed. its all odds. If you want your odds to improve in a certain catagory, you try harder, you do different things that help you on your way, stuff like that.

what i hate about society is that it teaches you that you must control everything in your life, everything must have a purpose, everything must be exactly as you plan, or its not worth it. Completely false. Life is about living it regardless if it has a point, regardless of whether you know where you're goin in life, regardless if things don't go the way we plan. humans don't live in future, the past or anywhere in between. we live in the present, and our lives should be based around that fact.

but yeah, the problem with life my dear, is that there is no one set way to live it. no one set belief. no set purpose. The only purpose for living your life won't come from anyone but yourself. And really living life, and having a purposeful life requires alot of faith. and im not specifically talking about religious faith(though it can apply), more just a general veiw of it. for instance you have to have faith that the oxygen you breathe is actually oxygen. do you know its oxygen? no. do you trust it to be oxygen blindly? yes.

the reason you freak, and are ill with depression for so long, is(i think, i do not know, correct me if im wrong) you're trying to figure out your purpose in life but can't figure it out. I've been there. it sucks. its hard. and really, its not something you can figure out right away. you can't sit there and think until you've ocme up with a purpose. it just comes to you. and alot of times you don't see the full image, but you get glimpses of it. and really those glimpses are about the only thing that keep you going when all is said done and dead.

We're all going to die, no question of that, and it terrifies the hell out of me. but I figure that a life spent in complete terror of death is not a lived life. (by complete terror I mean not doing anything for the fear of dieing. like being stupified by death.)

Personally I choose to spend my existence learning, and I make that my purpose. because its something I enjoy, and something that makes me truly happy. I solely believe that purposes should be something that beneifit not only you but those around you. because i garantee, you make others happy at the same time as making yourself happy makes you 10 times happier than you would have been just sustaining yourself.

idk where im going with this but my main point is I care about you, and i'm worried about you. mainly I just love you kid. the way i love all my friends and watch out for them. and I don't know why i do, don't really care. theres no real purpose to it except for the fact that it makes me happy to help my friends feel good.

I love you my friend. feel better. and i apologize for the random/legnthy response.

<3 -psychedelic steve