#7
Pro cuius amore in eius eloquio nec mihi parco
(For the love of it, I do not spare myself from communicating it.)
- Pope Saint Gregory I
I had spent a long time letting love frustrate me to no end. Despite the rewards, it was rare for me to feel I was receiving as much as I put in, and I could only take as much as I thought I could return.
When the doors to love would open, a wonderful exchange would begin to take place. Then at a certain point, they closed, yet love still kept trying to come in from one side or the other.
When it was me who was trying to give, I'd find myself feeling torn from trying to break the door down. I was exhausted, my hands splintered, my body bruised, and my mind aching to try to find another way in. Then my own heart would shut down, and I would suffer a period of sadness, anger, neglect, and closed my own doors of love. When I couldn't receive, I felt like my feet were sliding down a hill in fear and panic as I tried to keep my door closed. Why was this happening to me? I decided to step back, ask, and observe.
One friend told me that love is a virtue and that we behave on instincts. I had a difficult time grasping this concept. I decided to start simple. What do other creatures appear to live for? Ultimately, I felt it was survival. We survive through evolving, adapting, and?? I realized the answer was love. I have an instinct to survive, and I use love as a virtue to promote and enhance the survival of life. I mean, what is life without love? How are we to evolve if we don't have something to inspire us? I felt that to deny love, is to deny your own survival. It is my instinct and virtue to love.
Once I became aware of the power of love in my life, I was able to see the fear associated with the pain I was feeling. I did not want to lead a life driven by fear or by laziness. I wanted a life full of love, and I was willing to do whatever I had to make it so. I realized that it was ego that was causing this fear on both ends.
I experienced some very difficult lessons for me to overcome the grip my ego had over me. I suffered a lot of pain and caused a lot as well. I feel horrible that it had to go so far for me to step back and see what was happening, but I guess I had a pretty strong ego, heh.
I feel like I've let go and created enough awareness and connection with my higher self to get over the ego block and accept love. I've also learned different ways to show it, to avoid running into blocks from other people. The balance has been incredible. It's opened my eyes to a brave new world of peace, growth, and genuine love. It scares the crap out of me at times because I've developed trust issues, and often feel like I need to be in full control of situations, but the more I let go, the more I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm learning to let go one day at a time, and the most amazing experiences I've had have been through trusting love and giving it. It's not easy. I think we sacrifice a lot to do what we feel we have to do. I've realized that it's all about love, and I guess I have a lot to give, heh.
(For the love of it, I do not spare myself from communicating it.)
- Pope Saint Gregory I
I had spent a long time letting love frustrate me to no end. Despite the rewards, it was rare for me to feel I was receiving as much as I put in, and I could only take as much as I thought I could return.
When the doors to love would open, a wonderful exchange would begin to take place. Then at a certain point, they closed, yet love still kept trying to come in from one side or the other.
When it was me who was trying to give, I'd find myself feeling torn from trying to break the door down. I was exhausted, my hands splintered, my body bruised, and my mind aching to try to find another way in. Then my own heart would shut down, and I would suffer a period of sadness, anger, neglect, and closed my own doors of love. When I couldn't receive, I felt like my feet were sliding down a hill in fear and panic as I tried to keep my door closed. Why was this happening to me? I decided to step back, ask, and observe.
One friend told me that love is a virtue and that we behave on instincts. I had a difficult time grasping this concept. I decided to start simple. What do other creatures appear to live for? Ultimately, I felt it was survival. We survive through evolving, adapting, and?? I realized the answer was love. I have an instinct to survive, and I use love as a virtue to promote and enhance the survival of life. I mean, what is life without love? How are we to evolve if we don't have something to inspire us? I felt that to deny love, is to deny your own survival. It is my instinct and virtue to love.
Once I became aware of the power of love in my life, I was able to see the fear associated with the pain I was feeling. I did not want to lead a life driven by fear or by laziness. I wanted a life full of love, and I was willing to do whatever I had to make it so. I realized that it was ego that was causing this fear on both ends.
I experienced some very difficult lessons for me to overcome the grip my ego had over me. I suffered a lot of pain and caused a lot as well. I feel horrible that it had to go so far for me to step back and see what was happening, but I guess I had a pretty strong ego, heh.
I feel like I've let go and created enough awareness and connection with my higher self to get over the ego block and accept love. I've also learned different ways to show it, to avoid running into blocks from other people. The balance has been incredible. It's opened my eyes to a brave new world of peace, growth, and genuine love. It scares the crap out of me at times because I've developed trust issues, and often feel like I need to be in full control of situations, but the more I let go, the more I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm learning to let go one day at a time, and the most amazing experiences I've had have been through trusting love and giving it. It's not easy. I think we sacrifice a lot to do what we feel we have to do. I've realized that it's all about love, and I guess I have a lot to give, heh.