Miracle - Chapter Four.
Title: Miracle.
Author: sydneyjae. (that just took me three motherfuckin' tries to spell...)
Pairing: YunJae/JaeHo (Minor YooSu)
Genre: I'm not quite sure. Some could class as Angst/Romance. I guess.
Warnings: Homosexual Relations, Vulgar Language, Self-Harm, (hardly much of a plot. xD), etc.
Summary: A certain boarding school was created to help the people with specific problems to overcome them. Some use it to cure themselves, some use it as a way to connect with others like them, some are just sent because their parents can't deal with them anymore. Jaejoong doesn't think much of the place when he starts, only hoping it can make him normal. Upoin meeting his roommate, Jung Yunho, maybe he's been blessed with a miracle after all. Maybe.
Chapter Four - The Sweet Smell of Pure Pain.
[Yunho's POV]
I really don't like it here. The only thing keeping me here is the belief that maybe Jaejoong is my responsibility. And before you ask - like everyone else has - no, I don't go out with him, nor do I love him. I just think, as he's my roommate, that I should be looking out for him.
Anyway, it's been a month since I've met Jaejoong and it's been a month since I've felt like a different person. I feel like he trusts me. Kind of. He laughs more with me. He laughs more with Yoochun. He's just way too nervous in front of everyone else. Actually, I'm not quite sure that he's met anyone else, except Changmin, and there's no way I'm forcing him to go back and see him again.
Actually, I feel like I've betrayed Changmin a little bit. I know he shouldn't have said... certain things... but I hardly see him anymore. I only go to his and Yoochun's room when I'm not with Jaejoong. I'm only not with Jaejoong when he's at his counselling sessions. Changmin asked me if I loved him. I don't love Jaejoong. I don't. No. He's just my friend. I've only known him a few weeks anyway. I just feel like I'm the one that's meant to look after him. Of course, it's not a job. It's just my natural way of thinking. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm a little too overprotective.
I guess Changmin has every right to believe that I love Jaejoong. I spend nearly every minute of the day with him. I don't let him out of my sight and I don't let him go places where I think he'll injure himself or get upset. Actually, I should probably give him a little more freedom - I'm acting like his mother. He hasn't complained about it though.
When he feels confident enough, he'll tell me why he's upset. Confidence comes around more often than it used to. He explains nearly everything to me, and I actually like listening. Not because I enjoy other people's pain, but because I'm like his mother brother and I think that I can fix it.
Besides, even if I did love Jaejoong, it wouldn't get me anywhere. We talked about relationships one night. I didn't want to upset him, just in case he had bad memories of them but like a little school girl, he accidentally blurted out, 'I hate liking someone without being liked back, like now for instance...'. Then he blushed and wouldn't look at me. I kept asking him who it was, laughing to ease the blow of the question, but he burrowed his head into his pillow and mumbled that it was embarrassing. So, he loves someone already, therefore I'd have no possible chance. That is, if I did love him. Which I don't...
[Normal POV]
"What are you thinking about, Jaejoong?"
The words brought a dazed blonde boy back to the real world. Sitting on a bench in the middle of the grassy field with his head on the table had taken Jaejoong to some sort of dreamland. It made it worse when he knew that Yunho was only sat opposite, so close he could hear his breathing.
This question was one of Yunho's favourites. Jaejoong found that if he didn't have something to say and just answered with, 'nothing', the taller male would just frown, fold his arms and demand to know. Not that he minded Yunho being 'all demanding and manly-like', it was just the fact that whenever he asked, the answer was always something to do with him.
If he were to tell the truth, Jaejoong would've simply just said, 'you', but he didn't dare. Especially when thoughts he was having of him were dirty beyond imagination. Watching Yunho undress had become a habit rather than a one-off and no matter how bad Jaejoong felt about the thoughts he was having, he couldn't stop them. They'd just crawl into his mind whenever he closed his eyes. And the fact that Jaejoong had a rather vivid imagination didn't help in the slightest.
"Huh? Oh. Nothing... much. It's really beautiful here, isn't it?"
The raven haired male didn't particularly care for scenery, more interested in people watching and things that actually moved. Jaejoong, however, was quite the opposite. He'd be quite content sitting on the green carpet of freshly cut grass, listening to the breeze catching the trees and watching the leaves dance around. Well, as long as someone was with him and he was sat on a mat, protecting him from the mud.
"Don't change the subject," Yunho said with a laugh, "what do you mean by 'much'?"
Sitting up properly and resting his chin on his knuckles, Jaejoong avoided the gaze of the other when he answered, "Just a couple of things that have been bugging me recently."
Yunho didn't like the sound of that. What could be bugging him? Was it him? Had he not been cleaning his side of the room properly? Was he ever late picking him up from his sessions?
"Really? Like what?"
The flaxen-haired male really didn't want to ask. The way Yunho had reacted to the mentioning of Heechul's name on the first day they'd met was enough to make him sensible enough not to talk about him, who ever he was.
"Honestly, it's nothing."
"C'mon Jaejoong. I hardly believe that."
For some reason, the nervousness that he hadn't felt for a few days had returned and a wave of nausea flushed through the blonde's stomach. He could feel the other's dark orbs penetrating the side of his skull, trying to see into his brain, trying to see what he was thinking. What exactly was he supposed to say? 'Oh Yunho, who was that guy that Changmin was talking about the day we met? Did you love him? Was he your boyfriend? What about me? Will you love me?' No. He wasn't going to ever say that.
"Um, I-I was just wondering why Yoochun's here. I mean, in a p-place like this. He doesn't ever show any p-problems. He's j-just constantly nice." Damn. What was he stuttering for?
"That's because you haven't said anything that would get on his bad side. Yoochun, unlike Changmin, can control his anger, to an extent. He doesn't get annoyed with every single little thing, but when you insult his family or something he's protective over, he'll go nuts." Yunho answered, wanting Jaejoong to look him in the eyes. He was nervous again, the taller male noticed, zoning in on the stuttering. Yunho had forgotten how vulnerable he was when he was like that.
"Oh."
"I remember once, Yoochun and Changmin's mum told my little sister off for running in the house. She called her a 'moaning cow' under her breath and had both the boys on her case. Yoochun even threw a table at her. It took all my strength to keep them from actually murdering my sister. They only listen to me because I've known them for so long."
Jaejoong bit his lip. He couldn't imagine Yoochun like that. He was always so friendly.
"And apparently, Yoochun even went crazy on Changmin last year. Changmin was laughing at the way Junsu was walking and, well, let's just say that Dorm D couldn't hear themselves think for over a week."
Yunho noticed the look of worry that had stolen the blonde's face. He needed to reassure him that Yoochun was nothing to worry about.
"Don't worry, he's only here to ensure that he doesn't kill anyone when he gets upset. And to look after Changmin."
The blonde increased the pressure on his lip. He wished he'd never asked. He didn't want to fear Yoochun, especially after he'd made such good friends with him. Yunho's reassurance hadn't helped, he knew that he'd just constantly be scared of what he was saying to Yoochun. His eyes became watery, he felt stupid and a look of shock appeared on Yunho's face.
"Hey!"
Turning away, Jaejoong sniffed and violently blinked to hold back the tears. Why was he acting like this? He felt like he hadn't cried in ages. Not properly anyway.
"Jaejoong? Look at me."
"I'm fine." The blonde mumbled into his sleeve and before Yunho could interrogate further, Jaejoong stood up and loosely pointed to the huge building.
"Let's j-just go. I have my D-Dorm B session."
***
Crying was not the best way to start a counselling session. Especially not a counselling session for Dorm B. Especially not a counselling session with Yuri.
Counsellors were meant to stay on a first name basis with the students at GBSDY. Yuri was the most caring out of all Jaejoong's counsellors and yet one of the most annoying. He really despised anyone butting into his life, especially some stranger that tried to act like they knew how he was feeling. No one in the world would ever know how it felt to be Kim Jaejoong. Not even he, himself, knew.
"Jaejoong! What's wrong?!" The high-pitched squeal from Yuri's voice box went right through the young blonde's body.
He placed himself in the ugly black chair that faced the desk and the young girl who was supposedly his counsellor (even if it looked like she'd only just got out of school herself) and stared at his feet.
It wasn't necessarily the fact that he was now afraid to speak to one of the people that he'd actually bonded with, it was more probable that he just despised being in this horrid looking room with the girl that asked him the stupidest of questions. The whole feeling of the place just made Jaejoong want to vomit.
"N-Nothing's wrong."
Yuri knew better than to argue with Jaejoong. Two sessions ago she'd demanded to know what was the matter when he'd come in nervous-looking, with red cheeks and puffy eyes. Her questions and interrogation had just made the poor boy more upset and it took all her power to try and stop the tears flowing from his eyes.
In actual fact, Jaejoong had been embarrassed about his own imagination. The regular erotic thoughts that he'd developed had given him a rather large and obvious hard-on and he'd excused himself from Yunho to the bathroom to get rid of it, but he had hardly any knowledge of how to do so. His lack of intelligence was what got to him the most. He was seventeen and had never experienced this before. He had no idea of how to stop it and instead, he'd sat on a lavatory seat and cried. He was afraid of his own body.
"Well, okay then. Um, if you're sure you're okay, can we start the session?"
"Mhmm."
Jaejoong hadn't really opened up to Yuri. At all. She knew he self-harmed, she knew he hated dirt, she knew he had behavioural issues when he didn't get attention, but it was all from his file. Although, he did reason with her, usually giving her simple answers like, 'yes' or 'no'.
Yet, it was the same old cliché questions.
"So, what's on your mind?"
Okay, so that wasn't the best question to start off with. Heat rushed to his cheeks, turning them scarlet. He wasn't going to tell her.
"J-Just, s-someone." He knew that maybe it was better to give her some kid of answer. Sometimes, he irritated himself by just answering with 'nothing' all the time.
"Oh really? Do you like this person?" Yuri questioned, scribbling on her notepad.
"A lot." No stuttering. Was this really the effect Yunho had on him?
"Do you like this person more than a friend?"
A simple not was enough to satisfy Yuri's craving to know more. Her pen went crazy in her hand and she smiled brightly, eyes glinting. Relationships. She was such a girl.
"Does this person like you back?"
As soon as the words left her lips, she regretted asking. Tears welled and as they fell, Jaejoong shook his head and placed it firmly in his hands.
"N-No... N-No one ever h-has.", the blonde whimpered in-between sobs.
"It's okay Jaejoong. We'll change all that, shall we?"
***
Yunho didn't mean to make Jaejoong upset. Why would he want to make him upset? The taller male despised seeing the other cry. He despised seeing the blonde cry because of him.
He sat outside Yuri's office waiting for Jaejoong. He refused to move. Rooted to the spot. He didn't go to Changmin's and Yoochun's. He felt way too bad to go. He just waited until he saw the face of the blonde again, hopefully not crying anymore. He just wanted to apologise.
The raven haired male said for thirty minutes in the cold corridor, knowing that Jaejoong was in the room he was facing, probably telling his counsellor how terrible he was for making his tears fall. Yunho didn't understand. He knew that the other was sensitive, but he didn't know that he'd get upset about that. He wasn't sure why Jaejoong was upset, but that was just it. It was Jaejoong. Sometimes Yunho never knew.
When the door creaked open and the other's face appeared at the threshold, Yunho felt better. Jaejoong looked calmer. Kind of. His eyes were still red, but his breathing was regular. He was smiling.
"Jaejoong... I'm so sorry."
"It's fine. Can we go to our room? I need to ask you something."
[Jaejoong's POV]
I am the most horrible person in the world.
"Yunho? I, um, I was j-just wondering. B-Before. Before, on the day I met you. I-I'm... just a little c-curious."
"Spit it out, Jaejoong." He chuckled. He was smiling. I don't think I'll ever see that smile again.
"I... know it's none of my business... b-but... I c-can't help wondering. Who... who's H-Heechul?"
He just stared at me. Those dark orbs. Staring me down. As if I'd just asked him whether it'd be possible to cut off his right arm and eat if. As if I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy.
Why did I ask him? I regretted it as soon as I saw the look on his face. He looked hurt. He looked like he'd died inside. All because of me. He was speechless. He didn't look angry with me, but I knew he was. he didn't cry, but I knew he wanted to. He just looked at me, eyes pleading to take back what I'd asked.
"Y-Yunho... I-I..."
He shook his head. He left. He left me alone. I'm alone. Again. Wallowing in my own insanity. I thought my life was changing. I thought that maybe i had someone there. He kept me from cutting weeks ago. He worked so hard. I spoilt it. I thought...
Me. I thought. Always me. Never them. Why am I so selfish? I'm dirty. Dirty on the inside and on the outside. I need a shower. I need to scrub every single skin cell from my body and grow new ones. No, that wouldn't help. I'm way past the ability to cleanse now. I should probably just remove myself from this planet here nd now and get it over with.
When he left I cried. I just cried. Poor little me. What am I? Some kind of baby, needing care from someone who just can't bear to see something cry. How pathetic. I'm just helpless.
There was only one thing I could do. I needed to feel the pain that he was feeling inside. I'd done this to him. I deserved it. Pain. Pain was my only pleasure in situations like this.
I tore every single piece of clothing from it's proper place in my wardrobe. My actions only made me more upset. I'd made a mess. No respect. I had no respect. I had lost it. Everything that scared me was happening. I'd been tipped over the edge. The tears that fell freely from my eyes I'd earned.
I couldn't find it. My blade. I ran out of options. I was losing my mind. I needed release. I was desperate.
I used my own fingernails. I dug them into my skin. Into my flesh. Release. The feeling was agony to begin with. I choked back tears. I hadn't yet become immune to the feeling, but I continued. Running five red lines from my wrist to my elbow. I'm sick. I'm twisted. I enjoyed watching the bold lines appear and I softly, gently, pressed my finger against one, trailing it up and down. My creation. I was proud.
They didn't last long. I watched the red turn into cream as it blended back in with the colour of my skin. That wasn't enough. They didn't emit blood either. I needed more.
I searched frantically, my hands tearing at my hair. Tangled and tugging at the blonde strands. The ugly blonde strands. I'd dyed it. It wasn't naturally pretty enough. I needed fake to make me half-decent. Horrid.
I fell to my knees, hands rummaging around underneath my bed, looking for the box. I found it. My beautiful blade.
I just leant the cold metal against the understide of my left arm to begin with. Actually, it could've been relaxing. I regulated my breathing and counted how many slashes i was worth today, the only thing I'm ever worth.
Two for Yunho.
One for being a whiney spoilt brat.
One for Yoochun.
One for being too ugly for Changmin to ever see again.
Five. I knew this was going to be excruciating, but I had a clear canvas. I could paint on it however I liked. For once, there were no previous scratches or scars from where I'd cut beforehand. They'd cured. It'd been that long. I missed it.
The sharp metal tore my skin open horizontally. I lapped at the dribbling bloode with my tongue, the copper flavour sending me into a wave of bliss. I shouldn't be enjoying this. But I was.
Soon, two deep scarlet cuts tainted my pale skin, parallel to each other, both seeping blood. I like bleeding. How vile.
I studied my arm, choosing where to place my next beautiful red line. I decided that the other three shouldn't be as deep. They weren't for Yunho. They weren't as important. So, I etched one, two, three simple lines, curling vertically around my forearm, sneaking towards the top of my left limb. They certainly were lovely. Not too deep, but enough to make them bleed.
I sucked the ruby red liquid, drawing it from my arm. I felt like a vampire. I couldn't waste a single drop. i've I'd missed and gotten it on the bed, I would've cried again. For some reason, I hadn't noticed, but the tears had stopped flowing. I'd served my punishment. I became numb. It didn't stop bleeding.
I placed the blade back in it's bed before I returned it to the underside of my own mattress and I refocused on the gorgeous lines that I'd created. I wrapped them in tissue and laid it by my side. i pulled the duvet over my weak body and I succumbed to sleep. Proud. Proud of myself.
--
I nearly killed myself writing this. Poor little Joongie! *pets*
I'm sorry it's a little iffy, and short, but I really don't know what happened. I think I got distracted by something, I dont know. ANYWAY, i love your comments. Seriously, that's actually what motivates me to write more and I'm still getting random friend adds, people! I will stop accepting you if you don't let me know who you are first. <3
Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed this. n_n
(Oh, and sorry for the crappy explaination about Yoochun. xD)