The inner wars are waging
Well, from the last post, I decided to attempt to talk to brian. I did, I want my best friend back. I want my witty, stupid, bakemono-like, cynical, great, funny, beat-you-up-cause-I-don't-have-a-come-back best friend back. I apoligized for the way things went wrong. There was just too much going on, too many wars to be fought and I was already pretty injured from the previous battles that were soon followed by all of this. Although, I needed him there, I managed to pull my way through it all slowly. I still am. It's too bad that he never responded though. I'm not terribly surprised because I know what he's thinking but, I tried. And don't get me wrong, I'm not being pathetic about it. I mean, Mina doesn't even know why I'm trying. Stating that whenever I needed him to be there for me, he always just runs away. Because I needed him even if I didn't say it, that he should've been there and not stuck with the petty bullshit fights we always have. She's sorta got a point, I guess. But, I'd rather have him around anyways. I dont' think we'll be great friends right away but we'll get there, I suppose.
I've come to realize mornings are the worst. It used to be the nights that were the worst times for me, but now... the morning's are. I dont know why but they are.
Completely different subject, according to Carl, the moon has a fetus in it. We sat by the water and watched the full-moon last night. It was a beautiful sight. And I have to agree, there is a fetus-looking shadow in the moon. Haha. To be honest, I have conflicting feelings with Carl. The good thing is though, I'm learning to feel again. I'd been so numb, so un-deatched from everyone. Just devoid of anything that required any sort of feelings whatsoever. So I decided that I'd try, I'd put myself out there and see if I could feel again. Slowly, things are coming around. Not him, but me. The problem is, I can never tell what feeling is a good thing and a bad thing. Not like sadness or happiness. More like, I went up north for the weekend, and I thought about him during the trip but I couldn't say to myself "I miss him". I couldn't even distinguish if I did. I don't know if it's because I'm interpreting it as a 'bad' thing, you know? Because if i miss him, means I care, and if I care, means I could get hurt. And getting hurt is something that I can't afford happening right now. I finally concluded that I did infact miss him. Why else would I think about him if I didn't miss him? right? Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've really lost the connection of my feelings to my brain. Maybe I'm so fucking scared of losing the good thing, that I'd rather never have the good thing again. I don't know, but I'm trying. -- To be honest, Carl and I aren't together. We're... just something. We've been... 'dating' for about 2 months now. We're taking everyday as it comes, which is good but very apprehensive for me I guess. I wouldn't mind if we became a couple, in fact, that would really make feel tons better about the whole situation but he doesn't want to. So I respect his wishes, for now, and enjoy the time we spend together. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for my replacement to show up. I don't know but I can't focus on that. I've come to terms with it and I'm being patient. Carl doesn't want to commit to something he can't, makes sense. I can't blame him for it, but it's not going to be fair that I'm falling for him and he's just going to leave when someone more beautiful and tempting appears to take my place. But again, can't focus on it. I'll take the happy moments I get, and that's the way I look at it. I mean, what do you think of it all? I mean, I'm nothing spectacular or anything. I'm just an average girl, with average thoughts and feelings. It'd just be nice if maybe I could be a little bit more than average to someone again. Maybe I think about things too much. Maybe I have nothing to worry about and Carl feels the same way. I don't know. I don't really mention my feelings or anything to him, because I don't want to stir anything up. I almost told him about how I was falling for him, how I was really beginning to feel and be happy about it. But I didn't, I was afraid he would just sit there and tell me "well, I don't really feel the same..." or something. Because I think if he knew how I felt, he'd either pull away from me (which wouldn't be what I'd want) or he'd come closer to me. Or maybe he'd just stay the same and ignore it. No idea. But whatever, I have to go. I'm sorta uneasy about posting this but I feel like I should
I've come to realize mornings are the worst. It used to be the nights that were the worst times for me, but now... the morning's are. I dont know why but they are.
Completely different subject, according to Carl, the moon has a fetus in it. We sat by the water and watched the full-moon last night. It was a beautiful sight. And I have to agree, there is a fetus-looking shadow in the moon. Haha. To be honest, I have conflicting feelings with Carl. The good thing is though, I'm learning to feel again. I'd been so numb, so un-deatched from everyone. Just devoid of anything that required any sort of feelings whatsoever. So I decided that I'd try, I'd put myself out there and see if I could feel again. Slowly, things are coming around. Not him, but me. The problem is, I can never tell what feeling is a good thing and a bad thing. Not like sadness or happiness. More like, I went up north for the weekend, and I thought about him during the trip but I couldn't say to myself "I miss him". I couldn't even distinguish if I did. I don't know if it's because I'm interpreting it as a 'bad' thing, you know? Because if i miss him, means I care, and if I care, means I could get hurt. And getting hurt is something that I can't afford happening right now. I finally concluded that I did infact miss him. Why else would I think about him if I didn't miss him? right? Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've really lost the connection of my feelings to my brain. Maybe I'm so fucking scared of losing the good thing, that I'd rather never have the good thing again. I don't know, but I'm trying. -- To be honest, Carl and I aren't together. We're... just something. We've been... 'dating' for about 2 months now. We're taking everyday as it comes, which is good but very apprehensive for me I guess. I wouldn't mind if we became a couple, in fact, that would really make feel tons better about the whole situation but he doesn't want to. So I respect his wishes, for now, and enjoy the time we spend together. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for my replacement to show up. I don't know but I can't focus on that. I've come to terms with it and I'm being patient. Carl doesn't want to commit to something he can't, makes sense. I can't blame him for it, but it's not going to be fair that I'm falling for him and he's just going to leave when someone more beautiful and tempting appears to take my place. But again, can't focus on it. I'll take the happy moments I get, and that's the way I look at it. I mean, what do you think of it all? I mean, I'm nothing spectacular or anything. I'm just an average girl, with average thoughts and feelings. It'd just be nice if maybe I could be a little bit more than average to someone again. Maybe I think about things too much. Maybe I have nothing to worry about and Carl feels the same way. I don't know. I don't really mention my feelings or anything to him, because I don't want to stir anything up. I almost told him about how I was falling for him, how I was really beginning to feel and be happy about it. But I didn't, I was afraid he would just sit there and tell me "well, I don't really feel the same..." or something. Because I think if he knew how I felt, he'd either pull away from me (which wouldn't be what I'd want) or he'd come closer to me. Or maybe he'd just stay the same and ignore it. No idea. But whatever, I have to go. I'm sorta uneasy about posting this but I feel like I should