(no subject)
It was inevitable that I would come back to this, like the tide and the sea, and this never ending cycle of being ok and feeling like I'm betrayed. Though things have finally calmed down, and I've gotten my life back on track, so to speak. Sleeping is still beyond me, and my boyfriend's alarm clock is angrily beeping to wake him, while I remain laying still trying to sleep cuz I actually haven't been able to find myself in a deep sleep. The only time I see daylight is when I don't get to bed before the sun rises. At least I have someone the encourages this routine I engage in and it makes things less difficult at times, because I no longer view it as a problem.
tonight i ate salads and an apple, downloaded too much music, had a stomach ache, drank too much tea. i feel lonely which is stupid, because adam left me this morning leaving me with many kisses and calls throughout the day.
i'm distant. i walk through the days but nothing is really touching me.
i'd like to pull myself back together because i really am generally well. as in i do my homework every night and i see my parents and maybe i just shouldn't be left alone, and this time that's supposed to be serenity turns into hours of self criticism over every little detail. it becomes this sick game. what i think would be nice is a few e's or maybe some fucking epitome that never seems to come soon enough. i think more i need to stop lying to myself and the one i love and i need to get whatever i lost back,
Not to say it's been bad. Because, it hasn't. I am in love with the sweetest boy who loves me back, and it is the most fierce and wild kind of thing that leaves me breathless. He is so fucking beautiful and amazing that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself.
tonight i ate salads and an apple, downloaded too much music, had a stomach ache, drank too much tea. i feel lonely which is stupid, because adam left me this morning leaving me with many kisses and calls throughout the day.
i'm distant. i walk through the days but nothing is really touching me.
i'd like to pull myself back together because i really am generally well. as in i do my homework every night and i see my parents and maybe i just shouldn't be left alone, and this time that's supposed to be serenity turns into hours of self criticism over every little detail. it becomes this sick game. what i think would be nice is a few e's or maybe some fucking epitome that never seems to come soon enough. i think more i need to stop lying to myself and the one i love and i need to get whatever i lost back,
Not to say it's been bad. Because, it hasn't. I am in love with the sweetest boy who loves me back, and it is the most fierce and wild kind of thing that leaves me breathless. He is so fucking beautiful and amazing that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself.