Discreet
Title: Discreet
Pairing: Shnicky
Rating: G
Genre: Drama/Angst/Idiocy/Comfort
Summary: An innocent act of comfort tells the world more about their relationship then they wanted.
Wordcount: 3,452
A/N: Okay, I think I have many feelings about this. XD This (like everything else I've written it seems) was made back in 2010, so it goes without saying that a lot of things have changed since then. Weird too that this is the only Westlife fic I've ever written when I ship Shnicky like a...bucket. Yes. Anyways, my feelings about this now is that it's a bit over dramatic and that everything seems like a big huge over reaction but you'll just have to buy that this would happen in this parallel shnicky universe, okay XD Just ignore that and focus on the big clump of Shnicky angsty fluff! And enjoy it if you can~ XD just know that his embarrasses the hell out of me lol, somehow it feels more wrong to write Westlife than any kpop group!
Sure, it was discreet.
Just a small move of the hand, fingers caressing soft skin and dark hairs. A hand softly gripping a wrist - not to beg for attention. Not to make the other man look at him - he knew he wouldn't.
No, it was just a small gesture to give comfort. Something that the rest of the world didn't need to be a part of, didn't need to see, didn't need to believe. It was just to let him know that... they could get through this. And the next thing. And the thing after that. And he wasn't going to give up on him no matter how far the world was going to take their meaningless hatred.
Sure, it was discreet.
But that didn't stop people from seeing it.
It didn't stop the closed-minded interviewer from losing his train of thought, trying to pretend he didn't see it. Trying to write it off as one friend comforting another.
And yet, he could see from the look on the dark-haired man's face that it meant something much more than that.
All of a sudden, the interviewer could not wait to get out of the studio to spread the rumors.
Mark and Kian saw it too. They couldn't help but hastily glance at each other to see if the other man saw it too - and when their eyes met, they both knew that the other was as afraid as they were. And they immediately started squirming in their seats, trying to draw attention to themselves, just blocking out the sound of the interviewers dark voice and praying to their merciful Gods that the issue wouldn't spin out of control...
Both of them wished they could be happy for their bandmates. They were, most of the time. They didn't mind watching them hold hands as they walked up the stairs in the hotels, or seeing them inch closer to each other in smokey pubs.
In fact, it usually brought them an extra ray of sunlight.
But tonight, they wished Shane and Nicky had never admitted to feeling things that the world could not accept.
The interviewer ranted on. All four of them noticed the change in tone, the change in speech, the change in his choice of words. Always trying to make their best impressions, they kept their smiles on, hoping that the audience remained oblivious.
The slim fingers let go of the wrist they so boldly had grabbed on to, and though he wished he would never had reached out, he made sure to carefully scrape his weak nails over the younger man's delicate skin.
And he knew, he knew he has just made the pain his newly found love was going through even worse. He knew he had destroyed so much for him. Just by letting their hands meet.
If he would have done it any other day, it could have been ignored - something that makes you raise your eyebrows, but then lets you be amazed by the close bond that being in a band together for 12 years gives you.
But not today. No, today was different.
Just two hours ago, they had held the press conference for Shane.
This was the first day of Shane's life as openly gay. The first interview.
And all the things Shane had told him the day before were already scattered. Everything had gone wrong.
Nicky almost wished that he would have taken offense when Shane told him the night before that he didn't want to tell the world about their relationship yet. It was not what he wanted to hear. And yet, he couldn't deny that somewhere deep down, he felt the same.
He was worried.
But not as worried as Shane.
The brunette had rambled on until he was close to tears about how scared he was that Westlife would be over. It meant everything to him.
Nicky understood, and he couldn't be jealous. He was a part of Westlife after all.
The room suddenly sounded oddly silent to him. He looked up and found the entire room staring at him - his band members, the interviewer, the audience, camera men and production team. And he realized he had missed a question.
It was in the papers even sooner than the four of them expected. They didn't do more than arrive to the hotel, the four of them exhausted from the silent cab ride, until they started to receive calls.
They could do nothing but look at each other, listening as four different ringtones played over each other, ignoring every call...
Until Louis called.
And he came over. He was there. They sat down at a table in the conference room, the five of them with their cellphones turned off.
Even though the sound of the ventilation and the traffic outside still reached their ears, the silence was aching.
They stared down into the table. All of them scared of what anyone else might be thinking.
The four band members were shocked by their manager's silence - it usually took them a long time to get him quiet. When he did nothing more but shoot them all a few glances every few seconds, they were afraid.
Nicky's heart was beating painfully hard. Even though nobody said anything, he could just feel all their blame burning its way into his heart. He wasn't ready to face the world and their judgment. He didn't want to hear their insults, screams and questions, but at that moment it didn't matter. His insides screamed with the desire to talk to Shane, alone, with the words that only they should share. Tell him how sorry he was. Wait for him to leave him. Maybe even leave the band.
"What's gonna happen now?"
Kian's voice was raspy. The sad, almost apathetic tone made all the others even more scared than before.
And nobody answered.
Nobody wanted to pretend they had an answer and make up some lie about how it would all blow over soon.
The silence came back as they all desperately painted out the worst case scenario in their minds.
They knew there were reporters outside. They couldn't see them, they could almost hear them, but they knew they were there. They were always there. And today they would heartlessly try and get a picture of Shane and Nicky as close to each other as they could, maximize it and put it in their magazines and all over the internet. That was their specialty. Blowing things out of proportion and lying.
Would they have printed the same picture a month ago, it would have been a lie.
But today... they wouldn't know, but they would take a picture, try to make it into a lie, and instead they would be left with the truth.
Nicky didn't wait one second when the door closed behind them.
"Shane, Shane, I'm so sorry..."
"For what?"
Nicky was confused by the question. His boyfriend had his back turned against him, sorting out their room, picking up dirty clothes off the floor.
"For ruining... everything."
And Shane didn't answer. Nicky thought he could see something resembling a nod from the other man.
Desperation filled him as he didn't dare to touch the man in front of him.
"I was just trying to..."
He couldn't finish the sentence. It sounded too pathetic to say that he did it to comfort the younger man, when everything had resulted in this.
"I know."
But still there was no sign of forgiveness. No hint of sadness, or even anger. Just a sudden state of cold in Shane's normal enthusiasm.
"I was just trying to love you."
Shane stopped his actions, but didn't turn around. Nicky didn't know how to take it.
"I guess it sounds pathetic to you... now that I've caused all this."
And Shane finally turned around. His eyes were full of blame and Nicky wanted to back down. Run down the stairs again and rather face the reporters than have to take Shane's disappointment.
Shane walked up to him.
"Nobody has ever loved me as well as you do."
They stood in front of each other and looked into each other's eyes. Neither of them made a move to touch each other.
"You may not think so, but I understand what you were trying to do. Even though we're in all this now... for that short second, it helped me."
Nicky found himself again with no answer. The guilt was still threatening to overwhelm him and he didn't want Shane to treat him like an innocent. He didn't feel like one.
"I don't blame you, Nicky."
"You don't?"
"No. I know why you did it. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen. So how could I?"
And Nicky finally gathered the courage to move closer to the other man, who wrapped his arms around him.
He craved for comfort, but he didn't want to be comforted. He knew Shane needed it so much more than he did. Careful not to let the moment turn around until Shane comforted him, he broke loose of Shane's embrace. He softly pressed their lips together.
Shane smiled weakly at him. Nicky wanted to tell him that he didn't need to try to be happy, but he kept quiet.
They sat down on the edge of their bed. Nicky stroked Shane's wrist again. Only now it seemed to have the effect on him that it was intended to have from the beginning.
Nicky sighed. How did they end up there?
Darkness was starting to fall outside, fading out the limited view of the city from their window. Neither of them thought about getting up to turn on the lights. It felt safer like that, shielded from the world.
It helped build the illusion that they had only each other, creating their own temporary reality when the one they were living in had failed them.
"The longer we wait, the worse it'll be." Shane didn't sound upset, and Nicky felt a little calmer. Even though he knew Shane really was crushed. "I mean, for the fans... they've probably all heard about it by now."
Nicky nodded. He realized with a shudder that the fans' opinions was what he was most worried about. How would they handle the information?
"They probably have." Nicky noticed he had let his hand drop, and immediately started to lightly grace Shane's hand again.
"And... we've had this rumor about us before, Nicky. Now that it's turned out to be true... imagine the rumors that the press are gonna come up with next."
But to Nicky, this issue didn't seem to be as pressing anymore, when they were alone. All of a sudden he felt... a little stronger. Like he was ready to get up off the ground and try to stand. It was sooner than he had expected. And he just hoped that he could keep it until the morning after.
"It's just the press. Does it really matter what they think of us?"
"It would matter for Westlife."
Nicky knew Shane was right.
"But do you really think they would be that insensitive?"
"Maybe not all of them... But you know, some people..."
Shane fell silent and looked down. Nicky could see he was struggling with the words, and he felt the need to help him, even though he knew he couldn't.
"And yet..." Shane begun, his voice unexpectedly steady. "Now... I have everything I've wanted for... so long." Nicky squeezed his hand in a way to show Shane that he felt it too. He didn't want to interrupt him now that he had started talking. "I've been waiting thirty years to be who I want to be, and with whom."
Nicky waited for a continuation, but Shane did nothing but stare at the other side of the room.
"I know."
"I know you don't want to tell the world about us. And I know that there is no way we're gonna be able to keep this relationship secret, now that this rumor is out."
Nicky waited again, frightened of where the conversation was going.
"And I know how much Westlife means to you."
"What are you saying?" Nicky asked, anxiety getting the better of him. Shane looked at him.
"Nicky... are you going to leave me so that you won't have to answer for all of this?"
Nicky felt as though he suddenly landed on the bed with a thud. He couldn't process the question he had just heard. He removed his hand from Shane's.
"Is that what you think?"
Shane looked down to his lap and moved his hand away from Nicky.
"Maybe."
Nicky could feel himself almost become offended. He didn't want to believe that Shane would actually think something like that about him.
"Why?"
"I don't know... your pride, or, you know, just the whole thing about not being what you're supposed to be..."
Nicky cut him off.
"Pride? What pride is there in hiding the one you love?"
Shane looked into his eyes, but didn't say anything. His eyes looked searching and tired. Nicky turned his body towards him.
"Shane, I'm not going to leave you."
Shane still didn't say anything, but the expression in his eyes changed. Relief. Fear. Questions.
Love.
"Look, if I could choose, I would go back in time and prevent this from happening, and allow us to tell everyone when we felt it was time. I don't want them to know yet, but I don't want to lie and I don't wanna act like you and me are something to be ashamed of."
It was getting darker. They sky seemed to be fogging in. Nicky realized that he had completely lost track of time, and he didn't care.
"It's not" Shane said. "You know it's not about that."
"Yes."
Nicky got up off the bed and sat down on his knees in front of Shane.
"I don't know about you, but I don't want to live my life according to them."
And again, Shane just looked at him.
"You make it sound so simple." It should have been something positive, but it wasn't.
"It is simple." Nicky put his hands on Shane's thighs. "I love you."
Shane put his hands on Nicky's.
"I love you too."
They let their fingers entwine. They let a few seconds pass them by as they looked in each other's eyes.
"But what about Westlife?"
Nicky got up and sat down beside Shane on the bed again.
"The press can't take away our fans, Shane."
"No. Unless our fans choose to."
Nicky tilted his head.
"Why would they? Because we're happy?"
"I don't know, Nicky!"
Shane had the voice of a child who clearly felt misunderstood. Nicky put his hand on his arm.
"I'm just scared."
"I know, Shane." Nicky took a deep breath and let his hand slide from Shane's arm down to his thigh. "But right now, with everything that's happened, we really only have one choice."
"What do you mean?"
"The rumor is out there. We can choose to... Try to convince everyone that they're wrong, that we're just friends."
Shane let his head fall to the side. His face showed of such worry that Nicky felt himself shiver.
"Or, we can break us up and tell them the truth - that we really are just friends."
"No, Nicky, I..."
"Alright, then there's one option left. We tell them the truth and trust that they're human enough to respect our happiness."
Silence fell in the now barely lit room. The pale darkness through the white curtains made the room feel cold. And yet totally their own.
Shane's eyes wandered over Nicky's face, who patiently waited for Shane to speak.
"Nicky, I don't..."
Shane closed his eyes and shook his head slowly from side to side.
"Look, Shane, I'm sorry, but this is what it has come down to. I don't see what else we can do. They're gonna ask questions, we can't do anything about that. What matters now is how we handle it. What we answer."
Thoughtful silence. Shane nodded.
"I know. You're right."
"So, unless you have any other suggestions..." He paused to give Shane a chance to speak, but he shook his head with sad eyes. "Then I think you know what I would choose. But what matters to me is that I get to be with you. If that means I have to lie for you and keep from holding you in public, then that's what I'll do. I'll do what you want."
Shane pulled him close to him and pushed their lips together. Surprised, Nicky put his hands behind Shane's neck and head and kissed him back.
They sat facing each other on the white sheets, looking at each other through the darkness.
"This is what I want." Shane's voice wasn't more than a whisper. The lack of light made his brown eyes look black. "I don't want anyone to intrude on what we have. I don't really want to lie, but I don't want them to know. Not because I'm scared of what people would say - which I am, in fairness - but because I want this to be between you and me. Like this. With no one looking."
Nicky felt his heart swell and drop at the same time. He had hoped that Shane would have told him they could walk out of the hotel the next day, holding hands. Being happy.
But it was Shane's wish for them to keep it a secret. So that was what he would do.
He noticed Shane was looking at him, worried about his reaction. Scared that Nicky would refuse.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes. We'll keep it a secret."
Shane exhaled, breathed out his fear.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. If that's what you want. If that's what it takes, then I'll do it."
Shane kissed him again, his hands on Nicky's back. They let themselves fall down onto the bed, their heads hitting the white pillows.
Nicky caressed Shane's cheek as carefully as he could. He tried to breathe in everything about Shane that he possibly could, knowing that they would continue to only have each other when no one was watching.
Shane sat up.
"Someone has to tell Louis and the other boys..."
Nicky sat up too.
"Oh, no, no, no, you've worried enough for one night."
He pulled him down with him again. Shane smiled for real for the first time that night.
"Just as well. Don't think my legs could carry me down that corridor anyway."
Nicky couldn't wait for the day when that small smile would turn into laughter again.
"We should sleep."
Shane's eyes were getting foggy. Nicky could barely see them anymore.
"You think you'll be able to?"
"I don't know. I guess I'll have to."
Nicky contemplated his own chances of falling asleep tonight.
"We'll have to talk to Louis and the boys early tomorrow."
"Yes. Don't worry, Shane, it'll be the first thing we do when we wake up."
He pulled himself closer to Shane and placed a small kiss on his lips. They crawled under the duvet and didn't care enough to remove more than their jackets and socks.
"Tomorrow" Nicky mumbled and kissed Shane on his nose. Shane looked back at him with a smile.
He closed his eyes.
And Nicky was going to spend most of his night watching Shane sleep.
He thought about the coming weeks... maybe months... maybe even years. Every time he walked out of a hotel with Kian instead of Shane, it would be because they couldn't be seen together too much. And every time Shane sat down beside Mark at the award shows, he would have to remind himself that he did it because he loved Nicky.
Everything was going to change.
But then again, everything had changed once before, thanks to the sleeping form beside him. And it had made Nicky happier than he had ever been before.
So what wouldn't he give up for Shane?
He reached out and grabbed Shane's hand. He was afraid of waking him up, but he just couldn't help it. He had to hold him.
It was just a small gesture to give comfort. Something that the rest of the world didn't need to be a part of, didn't need to see, didn't need to believe. It was just to let him know that... they could get through this. And the next thing. And the thing after that. And he wasn't going to give up on him no matter how far the world was going to take their meaningless hatred.
And it gave Nicky all the comfort he would ever need.