You're a freak (and a kissable one at that)

[swshawnee]

Title: You're a freak (and a kissable one at that)
Pairing: Hanchul
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Angst / Comfort / Romance
Warning: Language, bullying, slight homophobia, some violence and a bunch of Hanchul looooove.
Summary: Hankyung starts a new school, and on his first day he meets the one boy that everybody else hates.
Wordcount: 9,870

A/N: I am a total angstwhore. I'm not even gonna deny it. I've also come to terms with that I have an extremely soft spot for Hanchul, like, to the point where it can't even be called a spot. More like an all-consuming black hole 8)
Haha well, I don't really know why this happened 8) A friend pointed out to me though that I'm probably working through some of my issues 8D So yes this a way of mentally punching some of my old bullies in the face~ I wonder how a mental punch feels o.o I wonder if they felt it :O
....uhh anyways yes 8D The Heechul that I had in mind for this is the Heechul from the Don't Don phase. And if you for some reason don't know what he looked like, it was this~.


All the way across the classroom, there's a boy. His hair is crimson red, his pants are black with bondage stripes tying his legs loosely together. If his long, black leather jacket had been open, a black shirt with thin silver chains hanging from it would have shown. The shirt could have been fancy, the buttons are black with silver lining, but it's not, not when it blends in with the rest of the outfit. The boy probably doesn't want to give off the impression of being fancy anyway. His right arm is slumped on the table with his head resting on it, and he's mindlessly drawing or writing something in his notepad. Just slightly attentive but not really, just enough so that when the teacher looks at him, he won't get scolded.
It's well thought out, Hankyung thinks. He's fascinated. He can't help but notice, though, that the seats in front of, behind, and to the left of the boy are all empty. Could be coincidence. Then again, it might not. It's way too early for Hankyung to tell.

The boy coughs once, just once, and Hankyung thinks it sounds odd. Just once? A couple of girls at the front of the class room, the kind that asks the most stupid questions and then brags about being a part of the lecture, looks back at the boy and snorts. Would have laughed if the teacher wasn't there, Hankyung thinks.

The boy in the seat in front of Hankyung throws an annoyed look at the redhead before leaning over to his friend, whispering what Hankyung supposes is profanities designed to raise his own self-confidence.

It's winter, and it's early in the morning. The snow is climbing far up on the school walls, helping the sun shine its excruciatingly bright light into the class room, making Hankyung's eyes want to flutter close. He's tired, and everything's new.

After the class, the teacher stops him. She puts her hand on his shoulder, because that's what supportive people do. And Hankyung looks up at her face and tries to look honest and happy, because that's how you're supposed to react.

"How is you first day so far, Hankyung?" she asks, and Hankyung nods slowly with half a smile on his face.

"It's okay. I've only had one class so far, so..." and the teacher laughs heartily. She removes her hand.

"Well, you know you can always come to me if you don't know where you're going for your next class. This place is big."

Yeah, Hankyung thinks, it's not even kind of close to big. Not in comparison, at least. He smiles at the teacher's face and notices her wrinkles around the eyes. She's probably older than she wants to think.

"I think it will be okay" he says, because it's partly true. He can survive 1½ year at this place, as long as people just stay out of his way.
"Good" the teacher says, and Hankyung takes her satisfied expression as his cue to leave the room. God, he realizes as he takes his books and walks away, he doesn't even know her name. Ah, well, he's not gonna wanna see her anyway. He closes the grey wooden door behind him.

The corridors of the new school - what's it called again? Summer... whatsit? Summer hill - summer hill high school, that's the one! Yes, the corridors of Summer Hill high school are cold. They are not at all like his parents assured him they would be, they're not filled with fun people and laughter. The students sitting around waiting for their next class don't look very friendly, there's nothing comfortable about the grey floor and stone walls.

Hankyung doesn't know why it feels that way, but it seems to him that every single person in the school is depressed. Maybe it's a curse, he thinks to himself, and smiles on his way to his locker. Two boys stare at him as he smiles, but they show no emotion at all. They just look at him.

Hankyung wishes for a second that they would start talking to him, but he takes it back the minute they turn their backs to him and walk away. It's usually better to be alone.

There are people lined up along the walls on benches, some girls on their boyfriends' laps, all clinging onto each other to gather some body heat. It's cold, but it's noisy.

There's a table beside Hankyung's locker, and there's a boy sitting at it - or, he's slumped over it, almost asleep, is more like it. The redheaded boy from earlier. Hankyung stands at his locker for a moment, pondering whether or not he should just put his things in his locker and head towards his next class, or waste some time with the boy. In the end he decides that he's too curious to not talk to him (and also, the longer he just stands there, staring, the weirder he becomes. Weirdness is not considered flattering these days).

He walks up to the table, dumps his books on it and looks at the boy. When the redhead doesn't look back, he just stands there, waiting. He waits ten seconds, and then he grabs the side of the table, knowing his hand is in the boy's view.

The redhead slowly, very slowly, turns his head up towards him. He squints from the somewhat unnatural light and stares at Hankyung with a confused expression on his face. Hankyung notices a slightly smudged out black eyeliner around his eyes.

"Hello" Hankyung says. The boy looks up at him, but doesn't move. He appears to wait for Hankyung to tell him what he wants, and then go away again. Hankyung waits a while, letting the boy notice that he doesn't want to insult him, before speaking again. "What's your name?"

The boy cocks his eyebrow at him and frowns. He's probably not used to people talking to him at all, Hankyung realizes, and it tugs at his heart a little. It's not really something people should be surprised by - someone being friendly to them. The boy straightens his back.

"You're new here, aren't you?" he asks, and his voice is raspy, a lot darker and more masculine than Hankyung would have imagined by just looking at him.

"Yeah..." Hankyung hesitates.

"Well, you should go" the boy says, flipping his neon red bangs out of his eyes.

"Why?" Hankyung asks, shifting his weight between his feet.

"Believe me... you don't wanna be seen with me."

Hankyung pulls out a chair and sits down opposite the boy.

"What's your name?" he asks again, and he feels oddly patient as he does so. The boy leans back further in his chair.

"Why are you even talking to me?" The tone of his voice holds genuine surprise and amazement, but it's hostile, and Hankyung knows the boy wants him to go away.

"Why not?" he asks and shrugs.

"Like I said. You don't wanna be seen with me."

"Why not?" Hankyung pries again. The boy stretches his arms in the air and yawns. He looks tired, like he's struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Because the people in this school are very..." he looks around, searching for the word. "Sensitive." Hankyung frowns. The boy sees it and hurries to continue, "I'm offending them all by wearing clothes they don't like." Hankyung half-laughs and takes in the dark eyes that finally stare back into his. They're still very much alive, sparkling, and Hankyung wonders how long this boy has been alone. "We all know that having hair like this is a humongous crime against humanity" he continues and reaches up to straighten out a stray of hair that has fallen out of place, and Hankyung laughs again. The boy looks back at him and suddenly he seems insecure. Hankyung guesses it's because of the risk that Hankyung is laughing at him, not with him. It probably happens a lot. But he keeps his smile on.

"What's your name?" he asks for the third time. The boy stares at him in silence for a few seconds.

"I'm Heechul" he says finally, and Hankyung breathes a sigh of relief. He's not sure why.

"Hello, Heechul" he says and the other boy looks down with a half-smile. "I'm Hankyung." Heechul nods slightly and stares at his nails.

Two boys come walking around the corner and stop at their lockers, a couple of spots away from Hankyung's, talking loudly and laughing. Hankyung watches as they turn their heads, notice Heechul, and smirk at each other in silence.

"Didn't your parents teach you how to dress?" one of them says as they walk away, not bothering to look back at Heechul.

"Didn't your parents teach you how to behave?" Heechul mumbles quietly, not looking up from his nails.

Hankyung marvels at the complete absence of intelligence in some people. He stares at Heechul, waiting for some kind of reaction, but the boy shows none.

The two boys are gone, probably off to their next class. Heechul doesn't look at Hankyung, and the latter feels like it's almost challenging. You see now what I meant? You don't wanna be seen with me, I was right he can almost hear the other boy saying.

"Wow..." Hankyung settles on mumbling. Heechul still doesn't look at him.

"What?" he asks.

"I don't know... I'm just... surprised at how much of an idiot someone can be" Hankyung says, and she wishes Heechul would look back at him.

"Me or them?" Heechul asks, finally staring back at him. His eyes are definitely challenging this time.

"Them, of course" Hankyung replies, staring back at Heechul, trying to really make him see that Hankyung has nothing against him. That he's not like the rest of them. "I don't exactly see you doing anything wrong."

"Yeah, well" Heechul says, getting up from his chair.

"Where are you going?" Hankyung asks, wondering whether or not he should stand up and follow him.

"I'm not gonna put you through this. You seem nice enough."

Hankyung gets up.

"I am nice enough" he says, smiling. "Which means I don't exactly see you in the way those other people see you." Heechul stares at him.

"You don't?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Hankyung laughs. He shivers from the cold and makes mental note to always dress for winter when in school.

"Because I don't know you... yet." Heechul continues to just look at him. "So I don't have any right to judge you in any way. Now, you might have to stick with me anyway, cause I really need someone to show me the way to the next class" Hankyung continues, takes his books and walks up to Heechul.

"Okay..." Heechul mumbles. He starts to walk away, but Hankyung grabs his arm.

"I'm not a scary person. You don't have to be afraid of me."

Heechul looks at him, and Hankyung searches for trust in his eyes. He doesn't know why he wants it so much - he's not sure if he actually likes the other boy, or if he just wants to help him.

But there's no trust in his eyes, none that Hankyung can see in the short time that Heechul meets his gaze. The older of the two pulls his hand away.
"Okay" is the only response Hankyung gets. "Let's go then."

Minutes that feel like days passes, and with Heechul's (rather unwilling) help, they find their way to the classroom. Heechul sits down at the same spot, in the seat surrounded by empty places. He stares at Hankyung under red bangs when the latter sits down beside him, but he doesn't say anything. Hankyung sees it more as a type of 'I'll let you get away with it' than a type of being okay with it.

He open his books and uses the class as an excuse to lean over and whisper insignificant questions to the other boy.

They're early, but soon the room is filled with people - people who stare at them with smirks, people who stare at them with darkened eyes, and people who just don't care. Hankyung faces them all with fascination.

The teacher isn't there yet. Hankyung looks around and makes a bet with himself, who will be the first one to prove their stupidity?

Soon enough, a boy a few seats away, dark haired, sunburned and with a face stained with acne starts raising his voice, talking casually, louder, louder, louder.

"...and Halloween is over!"

His friends laugh but only a couple of them turn to look at Heechul.

Heechul leans back in his chair and pokes at the black nail polish that has been smudged out over the edges of his nails. His face shows nothing, and he doesn't look at neither Hankyung, not the boy. Hankyung wonder if Heechul feels threatened by both of them.

"Hey" he whispers. Heechul doesn't reply. Hankyung puts a hand on his shoulder and he doesn't shrug it off.

"Look at me."

A few seconds pass, and then Heechul lets his hand drop to his lap and turns his head slowly towards Hankyung, meeting his gaze. There's a big 'what do you want' written all over his face.

Hankyung looks back at him, seeing Heechul's gaze flicker between his eyes, almost like a frightened animal. Hankyung thinks what have they done to this boy? and for a fleeting moment he loses himself.

"Good" he says, and leans back. He stares down at his book, to the page trying to teach him some American history, but he feels Heechul's eyes burn at him from the side.

"Good."

They're out of school early today. Hankyung walks beside Heechul but not really with him to the exit and they stop for a while at the stairs leading down to the parking lot. Tiny snowflakes are falling and they stand out brightly in Heechul's hair, like the vapour that flows out of their mouth with every shaky breath they take. Heechul pulls his leather jacket tighter around him.

"That jacket doesn't look very warm" Hankyung says, not really knowing what else to say. He just wants to be... well, he doesn't really know that either. Normal?

"It isn't" Heechul replies, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking at Hankyung. He does that more and more often, Hankyung thinks, and he's glad.

Silence falls, and an awkward one at that. They stand opposite each other, though still not really together, and look down at their shoes. Hankyung can't help but feel like it's something fetched out of a movie, and it makes him oddly comforted. Everything always ends happily in the movies.

Heechul kicks some snow a couple of times, before taking a deep breath.

"Well, I should be getting home" he says, flipping his hair out of his eyes.

"Okay" Hankyung replies. There's not much else to say. Still, Heechul remains by his side for a few more seconds, and Hankyung almost thinks he will say something. That he will finally start talking.

"Bye" Heechul says in a sigh, and turns to walk away. Snow scatters around his black boots as he skips down the steps.

"Bye." Hankyung almost goes back inside, but he turns around again, watching the boy disappearing through the snow. "I'll see you tomorrow!" he calls across the distance.

Heechul stops and turns around, and just stands there. Hankyung waits for his reaction, listening to the traffic and feeling the cold bite at his hands.

"Okay."

Heechul walks away.
Hankyung doesn't watch him go, but goes back inside. He finds it hard to believe, but he feels like he suddenly has a purpose.

-

The next day, Hankyung waits at the same stairs where they last saw each other. It doesn't snow, but it's colder than the day before, and Hankyung waits for an hour and a half before Heechul shows up.

Hankyung watches as Heechul walks right past him. The redhead keeps his gaze locked at his own two feet as he pushes up the stairs, and Hankyung can see the dread on his face. He makes a good job of pretending when he's actually inside, but when he's alone, Hankyung supposes he doesn't bother to hide it.

Hankyung stands up, and Heechul stumbles in surprise, but quickly regains his balance.

"What do you want?" he asks, grabbing the railing.

"Hello to you to" Hankyung laughs. "I said 'I'll see you tomorrow'." Heechul just looks at him. "Why are you so surprised?" Hankyung laughs again as Heechul stands up more straight.

"I just... I thought that you would be done. That you would have come to your senses" he says, moving backwards up the steps. Hankyung smiles and follows.

"I wouldn't hold by breath."

Hankyung waits as Heechul again just looks back at him, and he wishes the other boy's insecurities would crumble and fall. He walks up to the boy in front of him, lifting a frozen hand to put on a leather-clad shoulder. He smiles at the clueless, black eyes staring back into his, wondering if he'll ever see them smile.

And suddenly, Heechul laughs, and it's like ice melting, like a veil is lifted and the boy's body heat that has been concealed inside is finally released. It doesn't last long, but it's enough for now, it's enough for Hankyung to feel like something is finally happening.

"Come on" he says, "it's freezing." He removes his hand from Heechul's shoulder, and they walk in together.

-

Hangeng4484: sometimes I wonder why you still come to school
Heecat: well it's not like i have a choice
Hangeng4484: we all have a choice
always
Heecat: and what would i do instead?
Hangeng4484: I don't know
but I don't understand why you keep putting yourself through this
Heecat: you think i'm the one doing it?
Hangeng4484: I don't mean it like that
why don't you try to change things?
Heecat: i have
of course i have
i'm not as insane as they make me out to be you know
Hangeng4484: I know
I'm sorry
but things can't go on like this
right?
Heecat: oh, haha
you haven't seen anything yet

-

The school library is huge enough for Hankyung to like it. Among all the shelves of hundreds of books, there are a lot of empty places to hide. To get away from all the noises, the screams, to hide somewhere empty where there's no lack of intelligence and understanding. It's warm, it's quiet, and Heechul spends almost all of his free time in there.

So that makes the library a very good place in Hankyung's book.

He's happy to leave the fluorescent lights of the corridor as he walks into the library. He's come to associate the all too bright lights in the corridors and classrooms around Summerhill high school with narrow-mindedness, fear and a need to escape, not to mention a wish to protect a certain redheaded boy.

Not that he minds the last part very much.
The yellow light of the library invites him in.

He finds Heechul between the shelves of the biography section, holding a relatively thick book - 500 pages, Hankyung reckons - looking deeply concentrated. He looks up as Hankyung rounds the corner.

"Hey" he says and quickly looks down to his book again. Hankyung sits down at a table, resting his feet on a bench beside it.

"Hey" he replies, putting down his bag beside him. "What are you reading?"

"Nothing." Heechul closes the book with a bang and shoves it back in the painfully small space between the rest. Hankyung catches a glimpse of a woman with long, dark hair on the cover. He quickly forgets about it as Heechul walks over to him and sits down on the bench beside him.

"How was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual." Heechul leans his elbow on Hankyung's knee.

"Tell me" Hankyung says, using his legs to lightly nudge Heechul in the side. The other boy falls silent and stares out into the darkness outside the window for a while, Hankyung can almost see the thoughts swirling behind his dark eyes.

"You know Tim, in the year above us?" he finally asks. Hankyung nods. "He said he was gonna kill me."

"What?" Hankyung feels his jaw drop, and as much as he tries, he can't seem to close it. Heechul shrugs.

"Yeah. I accidentally bumped into him when we were exiting the classroom. He said he was gonna kill me for touching him." He pauses for a while, looking up at Hankyung. "He also said he was probably gonna get rabies from being that close to me."

"Are you serious?" Hankyung asks as he can't think of anything else to say. Heechul shrugs again.

"It's not the first time. And it's not a big deal." Hankyung stares at him, and Heechul looks unaffected. It's too hard for Hankyung to tell if it's an act or if he just doesn't care.

"How can you say it's not a big deal?"

"What?" Heechul asks, turns and leans his back against the side Hankyung's legs. "It's not like they'll ever go through with it, you know."

"But what about him saying that he'll get rabies from touching you?" Hankyung tries to put as much sarcasm and disgust in his voice as he possibly can. He knocks at the top of Heechul's head a couple of times, and the redhead gives half a laugh.

"Yeah, well, can you blame him?"

Heechul's face is turned away from him, so Hankyung can't see his expression, but he imagines tears in his eyes. He can almost see it and he wishes Heechul would let them fall, let Hankyung see it, and let Hankyung be the one to wipe them away. Still, he can't think of anything that's even remotely close to the right thing to say.

"What?" is all he could think of silently asking.

"Nothing" Heechul replies, to Hankyung's close to non-existent surprise.

"But..." he mumbles, wanting so desperately to say something that can make the other boy realize that he is not what they have told him.

Suddenly Heechul's head falls back to rest on Hankyung's lap. There are no tears in his eyes, no expression that says he wants to break down, nothing at all that Hankyung can help with.

Hankyung is still searching Heechul's eyes for emotion when the latter sighs.

"I don't feel like going home" he says in a breath.

"Well, do you feel like staying here?" Hankyung laughs unhappily. The moment where he felt like he might be able to help Heechul slips away.

"No..." Heechul mumbles, staring at the ceiling. Hankyung carefully strokes Heechul's hair, trying to make it seem as innocent as possible.

"Where do you wanna go?"

Heechul keeps looking at the ceiling for a while, and just when Hankyung starts thinking he's not gonna reply, he whispers

"Your place."

-

Spring almost comes. Some of the snow melts away, but the mornings are still cold enough that the students of Summerhill choose to take the bus instead of walking.

Hankyung and Heechul never take the bus. Hankyung lives further from the school than Heechul does, but he will do whatever it takes to never leave the older boy alone.

Sometimes when they walk, though he hooks his arm with Hankyung's, Heechul doesn't speak. Sometimes he's silent until they get into the school and he needs comfort, and those times, Hankyung always wonders how much there is that Heechul doesn't tell him. Sometimes it's enough for tears to start to form in Hankyung's eyes, but he's vowed himself to not cry until Heechul does.

They try to not arrive too early, but when they do, they sit outside the school until they absolutely have to go inside. The cold chases people inside the chilly corridors, so they're always alone out there.

"Do you really not find me a freak?"

It's one of Heechul's quiet days. He hasn't said more than three sentences to Hankyung all morning, and now, out on a bench in front of the school, he's finally showing a piece of the reason.

Hankyung watches Heechul's vapoury breath and notices that his breathing has sped up.

"No." Heechul says nothing. "Of course I don't."

Heechul sighs.

"Sometimes I still feel like you're gonna turn on me" he admits. "Like this is all part of some kind of game, that you're playing me."

"Heechul..." Hankyung begins, but he doesn't even get to think about how to continue.

"It terrifies me."

Hankyung turns his body towards Heechul and looks him in the eyes. The older boy flips his hair to the side.

"I'm not... I'm not them."

Heechul looks down and nods.

"I know. I'm sorry." Hankyung hesitates before leaning back against the bench again.

"It's okay" he says. "I get it."

"No, I don't think you do" Heechul argues, shaking his head. "I don't want you to think that I don't trust you... It's just that... I don't trust anyone."

Hankyung puts his arm around Heechul and pulls him in. The leather of Heechul's jacket is cold under his hand, and he feels the older boy shivering against him.

"Maybe you will some day" he says in a low voice, reassuring himself as much as the boy beside him. Heechul's head sinks down on his shoulder, and Hankyung leans his head on top of his.

"Yeah..."

Hankyung swears he can feel Heechul's heart racing.

-

It doesn't exactly come as a surprise.

There's no moment that Hankyung can pinpoint, there's no sudden moment of realization. There doesn't come a time when he feels a shock wave of love, or a special moment where there's a pang in his heart as he looks at the boy with the crimson red hair.

No, it's something he's known from the start, from the first time they spoke. A strange pulling in his stomach, a seemingly uncontrollable need to be closer to him, to always be near him, and finding himself thinking of him when he's not supposed to. That, and the fact that sometimes, his gaze lingers a little too long on Heechul's lips, that his hands love to curl up in Heechul's hair, and how he never wants their occasional hugs to end, is what has Hankyung thinking "wow, I'm really falling for this guy".

And how the other boy always stays near him, how he always carefully listens to what Hankyung has to say, how he seems to care so much about Hankyung's opinion, and how if Hankyung didn't end those rare hugs, Heechul would probably never let go of him, is what makes him think that Heechul is probably falling for him, too.
It grows. It makes Hankyung feel safe, even though he doesn't know for sure if Heechul likes him back. He enjoys every day with him, just feeling, but with every day it gets harder to listen to the way people scream at Heechul in the corridors.

-

Heechul always waits for Hankyung outside the classroom when they don't have classes together. Always. And always in the same place, always at the table by their lockers.

But Heechul isn't there. Hankyung looks around for the neon red hair, and he finds nothing.

He doesn't get really scared though until he checks the library and he's nowhere to be seen (he exits the room in a hurry but he still manages to catch a boy mumble 'fag' as he walks by. He smiles). He doesn't get really scared until he sees the empty bench outside the school, and he doesn't reach the state of terror frozen solid until he tries to call Heechul and there's no reply.

He's sure he's overreacting, but he can't stop himself from running all around the school to look for him, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. He tries to ignore the fleeting images of Heechul in any kind of pain that shows up in his mind, tries to convince himself, to no avail, that he's just being silly, that maybe Heechul went home, maybe he's in the cafeteria, maybe he's...

But he finds Heechul in a corridor with a guy. Alone.

Hankyung's first naive thought is actually that they look intimate. Heechul has his back against a bright gray wall, and the guy is standing so close to him, leaning in with his face just inches from Heechul's.

It only takes a second for Hankyung to understand that something's not right, but his thought about intimacy doesn't go away. Maybe it feels intimate to be that close to someone you hate so much.

He hurries through the corridor, Heechul's frozen face is becoming clearer the nearer he gets, and he wishes Heechul would look up, see him, know that it's okay. But the older boy's gaze stays fixed on the boy in front of him.

"...but you don't deserve to live. You know that?"

Hankyung isn't sure if his insides freeze or burn.

"You're disgusting. Just an unnecessary burden."

Heechul says nothing, doesn't try to push the other boy away, doesn't object, doesn't look angry, doesn't do anything.
And that's when the boy, obviously frustrated by Heechul's indifference, grabs a hold of Heechul's wrist and twists it.

Heechul's composed face turns into a grimace of pain and Hankyung feels how late he is, way, way too late, and he can't stand watching Heechul hurt. Heechul sinks to his knees in front of the boy and Hankyung runs up to them, pulling Heechul's wrist out of the startled boy's grip. The boy stumbles a few steps backwards, and Hankyung observes his spiky blond hair, blue jacket, white cap and his braces as he smiles at him.

"What do you want?" The boy asks Hankyung, still smiling.

Hankyung doesn't think.

There is no room for thoughts in his mind as anger takes it over in a way he hasn't experienced before, and all he knows is that suddenly his fist makes contact with the boy's face.

Heechul's unharmed arm pulls at the sleeve of his jacket but Hankyung can't take his eyes off the boy who stumbles backwards with a hand over the left corner of his mouth, his cap falling off his head and down on the floor.

The anger subsides a bit when he feels the aching in his hand, and when he watches the boy regain his balance, he can't deny the fear rising in his chest. He feels Heechul stand up closely behind him.

"You" the boy begins, and Hankyung sees blood on his teeth. "I'm going to fucking kill you, you faggot."

Hankyung wishes he has the courage to say something, say anything, be disarming, brave and better, but he can't do anything but just stare back at the boy. He instinctively tries to back away from him and bumps into Heechul as he does so. He feels Heechul's breath on his neck as they both wait for something to happen.

But the boy turns and walks away without looking back, without taking his cap with him. Without saying another word. And Heechul and Hankyung remain pressed against each other as they watch him walk away, neither of them moving a muscle.

As soon as he's gone around the corner, Heechul spins Hankyung around with a furious look on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Heechul hisses at him, pushing him backwards a little to leave some space between the two of them.

"What?" Hankyung says, mainly cause he doesn't have anything else to say. He knows exactly 'what'.

"You don't fight back, you never give anything back!" Heechul yells but fights to keep his voice down, and Hankyung has never seen him look so vulnerable.

"But..." he says calmly. "He was hurting you."

A few moments pass and Heechul looks so confused yet so touched, and Hankyung's heart skips a beat. Heechul's voice is calm again when he speaks.

"Then let him."

"I can't do that" Hankyung objects at once, but Heechul stops him.

"Why not?" he asks. "Just do it like everyone else, just stand by the side and watch. It's not hard."

Hankyung doesn't know what to say. He wants to explain, somehow, just how important it is to him to keep Heechul safe, but he can't find the words. Words like that probably don't even exist.

"What, do you think that guy is going to leave you alone now?" Heechul demands, the volume of his voice rising again.

"Rather me than you" Hankyung mumbles but doesn't look at Heechul.

"You shouldn't try to protect me" Heechul says through clenched teeth. "I'm not worth ruining your life over."

The redhead turns around and walks away. Hankyung doesn't follow.

"Yes, you are" he says, and he's not sure if Heechul hears it. He knows that things will be alright. They just have to be.

Heecat: i wish you never tried to help me
Hangeng4484: do you mean that?
Heecat: no
but i don't want you to go through this
i don't want them to threaten you and call you a faggot
Hangeng4484: maybe I am a faggot
Heecat: irrelevant
i don't want you to become like me
Hangeng4484: do you really believe in what they call you?
hello?
heechul please answer me
Heecat: maybe
Hangeng4484: why?
Heecat: i haven't had any reason not to
it didn't use to matter
that they hurt me
because no one cared
and that was easier
it was easier before i knew you cared
Heecat is offline

Heecat is online
and before i cared about you
Heecat is offline

Hangeng4484: I wish you knew how beautiful you are to me
Your message could not be delivered.

-

"You know, we should probably make our own world."

Hankyung is sitting on the wooden floor of Heechul's bedroom with his back against the latter's bed. Heechul is lying on his back on top of it with his head hanging over the edge beside Hankyung.

"What?" is all Hankyung can ask.

"You know." Heechul stares at the ceiling. "This world is obviously useless. We need our own."

He sounds so much like a little child who's been hit by a lightning of genius that Hankyung smiles to himself. He turns his head to look at him.

"Sit up straight. All the blood is getting to your head."

Heechul sighs but does as he's told.

"I'm serious" he says, getting up off the bed and sitting down on the floor beside Hankyung. "Why can't we just, run away somewhere?"

Hankyung shifts his position slightly.

"Then why not just get a transfer to another school?"

Heechul sighs again and lies down with his head on Hankyung's lap, as always without asking.

"Because that's not good enough" he says, his voice dreamy. "I want to leave everything behind. Everything."

There's a big, red stuffed parrot hanging in one of the windows. One side of it has been bleached by the sun, so Hankyung suspects it has been hanging there for years. Above it hangs a pair of white baby shoes.

"Everything?" Hankyung asks, and he can't help but start pulling his fingers through Heechul's hair. "Really, everything?" Heechul looks up at him under red locks.

"Not you, if that's what you're asking. That's why I asked you to come with me." He pauses before reaching up to flick Hankyung's nose. "Idiot." Hankyung laughs and smacks Heechul's head lightly.

"Shut up."

They're silent for a while. Hankyung can see Heechul is dreaming.

"Please, run away with me" he says in the end, pleading Hankyung with his eyes to come with him. Hankyung sighs.

"I would love nothing more" he says. "But I think what's running away is your imagination."

Heechul shuffles around a bit, trying to get into a better position. His lips curl in a dejected smirk.

"But we're never gonna fix things here, are we?" He reaches up and strokes some of Hankyung's hair away from his forehead. Hankyung's heartbeat speeds up. The tiny weight of Heechul's head on his lap, his hand on his forehead and the heat of his body so close is starting to make him very uncomfortable. He clears his throat.

"Well, you don't think there's anything at all that could help?" He chokes on his own voice as he tries to throw a lead out there that could be innocent, and then again, might not.
Heechul looks thoughtful for a while. Hankyung supposes his leads are way too weak for anyone to ever pick up on.
"Hm" Heechul muses, lips curling again. "Sure, there are some things that could make it better" he says slowly, sitting up.

Hankyung's heart beats happily in his throat.

"Like what?" he manages with someone else's voice as Heechul crouches down on his knees, facing him. God, Hankyung thinks, those eyes have never been so piercing.

"Hm" Heechul says again, almost purrs, reaches out and puts a hand on Hankyung's chest. Hankyung gasps but manages to stop any sound from coming out. He knows that Heechul can feel his heart, he knows that Heechul must understand what's happening, and he's never felt so exposed in his entire life.

Heechul blinks in surprise when his hand lands on the thin material of Hankyung's shirt. Hankyung holds his breath and watches Heechul's face closely as he waits for a reaction.

"Your heart is beating really fast" Heechul states. He stares into Hankyung's eyes without removing his hand, and his expression is serious, searching, maybe afraid of misjudging the situation.

Hankyung lets out his breath.

"Yeah." It's all he can think of saying.

Heechul doesn't withdraw his hand, but pushes himself forward, still on his knees, closer to Hankyung. He fists the material of his shirt.

"Hankyung."

Hankyung doesn't think he can form words.

"Mhm?"

And Hankyung knows this is it, this is the moment, and there's so much to be worried about - like what exactly does it mean, what does Heechul want, does he want anything at all, is there anything real, and jesus christ those lips.
He looks up from those gorgeous lips to the equally as gorgeous eyes and he thinks, screw thinking, whatever good did it ever do for anyone anyway? And Heechul is leaning closer, closer, hesitantly and oh so carefully, Hankyung wants to rid him of his doubts so he does what he doesn't really dare and puts his hand behind Heechul's head, pulling him in.

In the millisecond that Hankyung still has the ability to think, he's convinced that Heechul is gonna pull back, and he will have horribly misread the whole situation, but it doesn't happen. And then their lips meet.

The kiss is slow, painfully slow and Hankyung is convinced that Heechul is unsure. He's so afraid of scaring Heechul away by being too pushy, moving too fast, that he tries to calm himself down, moves his lips as slowly as possible as if scared of breaking the other boy.

So when Heechul is the one who opens his mouth and deepens the kiss, he's not sure what to do with himself at all. Heechul tries his best to not break the kiss as he swings one leg to the other side of Hankyung, settling himself on Hankyung's lap. Hankyung feels the red hair he loves so much tickle his forehead, the strays of hair rough and worn from countless bleachings and dyeings. Heechul lets his hand slide from it's spot over Hankyung's heart - Hankyung whines - down over his stomach, and this time Hankyung can't hold back a gasp. Heechul smiles and Hankyung kisses it.

As much as he tries, though, eventually Hankyung can't stop his confusion from taking over. He pulls back to look into Heechul's eyes, but the other boy just shakes his head.

"No, no, don't you dare stop" he says, and Hankyung laughs as Heechul attaches himself to his lips again.

"But Heechul" he says between intense kisses. "You need to tell me..."

"Can't I just..." Heechul kisses him, "...tell you like this?" Hankyung feels his ability to form words slip away from him again as he tries to reply. "Now stop talking, or I will actually kill you."

Hankyung thinks about it, well, as much as he can. Being killed by Heechul for separating them, or burning up from the sensation of kissing him? He thinks he prefers the last one. So, he wraps his arms around Heechul's back and holds him as tightly as he dares.
Spring makes everything easier.

Heechul falls asleep listening to Hankyung's heartbeat.

"Do you understand now why I need to protect you?" Hankyung whispers at some point during the night, but he never gets a reply. He doesn't know if the other boy hears him or not.

When he wakes up, Heechul is gone, but there's a note on his pillow.

Maybe we can protect each other.

-

Kissing Heechul is addictive. Hankyung had known it it would be amazing long before they first kissed, but he didn't know it would be so hard to stay away once he'd started.

"Hey!" Heechul says, picking up a bunch of papers and and leaning over the table to slap him on the arm with them. "Would you stop staring? I feel like I have something on my face."

Hankyung drags his gaze from the older boy's lips and looks into his eyes, slowly progressing the slap he just received. Heechul stares back at him with amusement and evil satisfaction from mocking him.

"You are so hormonal. We're supposed to be studying, you know. How will we ever get anything done if you're such a big perve?"

Hankyung whines and drops his pen on the floor. Heechul responds with a sigh.

"I swear..." he says, rolling his eyes and looking back down into his book. "You're gonna be the death of me."

Hankyung gets up from his side of the table, and walks slowly over to Heechul's bench. The other boy glares at him with ill-disguised happiness and fake annoyance as Hankyung approaches him.

"What do you want?" he asks, smirking at Hankyung from under his red bangs. Hankyung tries, but he can't do anything other than smile as he pulls Heechul up.

"I think you know." Hankyung tries to pull him closer, but Heechul steps back.

"Hankyung... we're in school" he says, lowering his voice.

"Yeah, but... there's no one here" he says and gestures towards the empty corridor behind him.

Heechul switches his gaze from the emptiness around them to Hankyung a couple of times, and Hankyung warms up when he sees a smile growing on his lips (oh, those lips).

Heechul steps dangerously close to him until their bodies are touching from toes to chest.

"What am I going to do about you?" he asks, pulling his fingers through Hankyung's hair. His smirk is gone and replaced by something warmer - Hankyung wants to call it love, but he's not sure.

"Shut up" he smiles, "you love it."

Heechul 'hmm's a little, pulling Hankyung even closer.

"Well, just a little" he murmurs, his smile barely an inch away from Hankyung's. "That's allowed."

Hankyung smiles as he kisses him. He pushes the other boy backwards as he moves to kiss his neck, until his back hits the wall.

"Hankyung" Heechul tries to complain, but there's a definite happiness in his voice. "We're a little out of place..."

Suddenly there's laughter, and Hankyung pulls away from Heechul to see five girls at the end of the corridor, staring at them and laughing hysterically.

More like hyenas than people, Hankyung thinks. He waits for them to say something, yell at them, insult them, and he instinctively wraps his arms tighter around Heechul.

But the girls don't say anything. They just turn around and walk away, their laughter echoing through the corridor as they turn the corner.

Coming out of the danger zone of being insulted, it dawns on Hankyung that what himself and Heechul have been trying to keep to themselves won't be very secret anymore. He moves to let go of Heechul, but the older boy grabs his arms and shakes his head, leaning his forehead against Hankyung's. He closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry" Hankyung says pointlessly, and he's sure it would have made himself feel better if he wasn't he world's biggest jerk.

"Don't be" Heechul whispers back. "At least now we won't need to hide anymore." He pulls back and puts his hands on Hankyung's sides. His face is calm, relieved, even, which is the exact opposite of what Hankyung is feeling. But he trusts Heechul, so his composure comforts him slightly.

Heechul understands the feeling of being hated a lot better than he does, anyway.

-

One thing Hankyung never thought he'd get used to, is being threatened and insulted daily. But he does. He doesn't have much choice but to listen to the gagging noises people make sometimes when he walks by hand in hand with Heechul, so eventually he accepts it as a part of his day.

He thinks that people probably wouldn't have as much of a problem with their relationship if they weren't looking for flaws in Heechul. If you put your mind to it, you can hate anything.

The first time he's outside and someone throws rocks at him, the fear that has been waiting just below the surface finally rises. The rocks are tiny and pathetic so they don't hurt when they hit his back, but it gets him thinking about what people might actually be capable of.

It feels pathetic to him that Heechul is the one who needs to comfort him. And when he learns that it has happened to Heechul dozens of times before, it's the first time that he realizes just what Heechuls has settled into, for so long.

-

Summer comes. Every day is a sigh of relief as they get closer to the holidays, lazy days they can spend alone, days they both try and fail to imagine. As the students of Summerhill seek out the sunlight, they withdraw from their usual bench and hide out behind the school instead. They spend their days with their backs against the concrete wall, planning everything they'll get to do once they're free - kissing without being afraid, lying on the grass, staring at the clouds, doing absolutely nothing.

Hankyung is sitting with his back against the school wall, with Heechul positioned between his legs, leaning his back against Hankyung's chest. Their hands are locked together, and Hankyung is resting his head against Heechul's, enjoying a rare moment of complete peace.

"We should go out in a forest sometime" Hankyung says thoughtfully. "And make a fire." Heechul laughs.

"What, and burn down the forest?" Hankyung smacks him over the head.

"No, you freak" he replies, laughing too. "I don't know why, it just would be nice."

Heechul nods, and they fall silent for a while, playing with each other's fingers. Hankyung closes his eyes, feeling like he could fall asleep right then and there, with Heechul's warmth surrounding him.

He's awakened from his daze when Heechul sighs.

"What are we gonna do?" he asks, leaning his head back on Hankyung's shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Hankyung caresses Heechul's wrist.

"We survived these last few months" the older of the two muses. "But after the summer, there's gonna be an entire year left for us in this school."

Hankyung wraps his arms around Heechul's waist.

"You don't think we can do it?"

Heechul shrugs, the leather of his jacket touching Hankyung's chin.
"I still think we should run away after this summer" Heechul says, stubbornness clear in his voice. Hankyung smiles, but doesn't let himself dwell on dreams like that.

They see a group of people walking in the distance, heading towards them. He feels Heechul stiffen in his embrace, and he contemplates letting the other boy go, but he doesn't try to get up.

"You okay?" Hankyung whispers in his ear as the group of people come closer. Heechul laughs nervously.

"Yeah."

"It's okay... they're just passing by" Hankyung reassures both of them, but he feels his heart speed up. Heechul nods.

They both wait in silence as the people - 5 boys - approach them agonizingly slowly, and Hankyung actually doesn't think anything bad will happen. Or at least that's what he tells himself.

That's what he tells himself right until they come straight towards them and pull Heechul right out of his arms.

"Hey!" he says as he stumbles to his feet, fear making him so cold so fast he's getting dizzy. Three of them are dragging Heechul a few meters away, and Hankyung chases after them. One of the two remaining boys catches him and holds him back.

"No, no" he sniggers and pushes Hankyung backwards towards the wall. "Let them teach your boyfriend a thing or two, okay?"

Hankyung struggles in the other boy's grip, and watches Heechul do the same.

"Wow, you're even uglier up front" the second boy behind Hankyung says, but Hankyung struggles to hear what the other boys are saying to Heechul.

Hankyung screams when the first punch lands in Heechul's face, and he does all he can to get out of the arms holding him still, until the second boy helps pushing him against the wall.

"Don't worry. He's gonna be just fine." Heechul falls to the ground, and the boys holding Hankyung smile.

"Get off him!" Hankyung yells, and it sounds so, so weak that he might as well have just whimpered.

One of the boys punches Hankyung in the face, but the weight that presses him against the walls keeps him on his feet. He holds up his arms to shield himself as the pain spreads, and he desperately tries to see if Heechul is okay. He catches a glimpse of that neon red hair but his body is blocked by the three boys. Hankyung tries to see what's happening but then his arms are pried apart and another punch lands in his face, the arms let go of him and he falls to the ground.

He feels blood streaming out of his nose and his vision blackens for a second, stars dancing in front of his eyes. Just like in the cartoons, he thinks.

One of the boys lifts him up and spins him around, and he feels his blood running over his cheeks and into his hair. Punch after punch lands in his face and his head grows heavier by the second, he can't struggle, he can't do anything but just hang in the boy's arms as if he was already dead, and all he can think is why?

He's thrown down on his stomach again, and he sees Heechul, he sees the kicks he receives, he can barely keep his eyes open but he sees it, and suddenly someone stomps on his back, on his spine, and he loses his breath, the gravel beneath him pressing into his stomach.

His vision becomes dizzy again and suddenly everything looks distorted, he's sure he's gonna die if he closes his eyes so he keeps them open, and wills himself to stay awake. He's expecting someone to pick him up again or kick him and the fear is too strong for him to even look up at the boys beside him. He's terrified, petrified, and suddenly his vision becomes clear again and he sees one of the boys hold onto Heechul's jacket and slam Heechul's body onto the ground repeatedly, slam, slam, slam, Heechul's head hitting the gravel with each smash. Hankyung wants to cry out for him but he chokes on a breath he can't take, and he feels the metal taste of his own blood in his mouth.

Hankyung waits for the next punch, waits for something, but then suddenly someone says "that's enough", and the boys are walking away, holding their aching fists.

They're gone, but the relief doesn't hit, cause Hankyung looks but Heechul is just lying there, not moving a muscle, and as much as he tries, Hankyung can't seem to do it either. So, he closes his eyes, and darkness washes over him.

Maybe he dies.

He's not sure.

He's numb all over his body, and is that normal for death? He's doesn't know, he has never died before. He tries to get up and for a while he's convinced that he's moving, that he's up to help Heechul, but a part of him knows it's his imagination, and then suddenly someone's shaking him.

"Hankyung..."

It's Heechul's voice, so he tries to open his eyes.

"Hankyung."

The shaking gets rougher and pain in his back takes over the numbness again.

"Get up!"

The voice is close to sobbing, desperate and angry.

"Hankyung, get up, now!"

He opens his eyes, and his vision is clearer than he had expected. Heechul is kneeling above him and the right side of his bangs are caked to his forehead with blood, the slightly darker color stands out horribly in his hair.

There's a cut on the left side of his forehead and he too has a nosebleed, blood still gushing down his face, landing on Hankyung's jacket. He pulls on Hankyung's arm with one hand, and he holds his other tightly to his chest, obviously in pain.

"Get up now" he says, a bit more gently this time, and tugs on the sleeve of Hankyung's jacket. "We need to move, we need to go." A drop of blood from the corner of his mouth mixes with the blood from his nose.

Why? Why? Why? Hankyung wants to ask, what's so important about moving right now? But he lets Heechul put one of his arms over Heechul's shoulders and tries to stand up. He gets up to his knees, and nausea overwhelms him at once. He leans forward and throws up. Heechul looks away.

They make it a few meters further, but then they both fall into a panting pile of pain.

"Heechul" Hankyung whispers, crawling closer to the older boy. "Are you okay?"

Heechul looks at him and there's blood even on his eyelids, but he nods.

"Yes. My arm is killing me, but I think it's okay." His speech is slurred, but Hankyung takes his word for it. "Are you?"
"Yes" he breathes. He reaches out and takes Heechul's unharmed hand in his. "As long as you are."

They remain there on the ground behind the school, forcing each other to stay awake until the sky starts darkening. They stay until the shock starts to sink down. They stay until they remember and start believing that there's a new day tomorrow. Until they can get back up on their feet.

-

"I'd rather have nothing at all than what I have now."
"What about me?"
A hand on Hankyung's cheek, it stings.
"When will you get into your head that whenever I talk about doing something, going somewhere, I always naturally include you?"

"I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I screwed up your life even more..."
"Hankyung, shut up."

"I'm not going anywhere without you."
"Then let's go."

-

There's only one person on the bus they get on. A lady in the front seat beside the driver. She stares at their battered faces as they get on, but they ignore her. She looks at Heechul's hair as they pass - his dye has faded a little - and she shakes her head as they take their seats far back in the bus.

It's night, it's dark, dark enough for Hankyung to be able to clearly see their faces reflected in the window.

They really look horrible.

Hankyung kisses Heechul's wounds, and Heechul says he finds it really weird. Hankyung can't explain it, but it gives him a satisfied feeling of helping, of healing, of doing something.

He links their hands together.

"I'm sorry" he says. Heechul looks at him.

"For what?"

"I destroyed your life, more or less."

Heechul nudges him with his shoulder, they both hurt, and they both ignore it.

"You didn't destroy anything. You just changed it."

Hankyung looks at him, and there's so much more he wants to say, so much more he should say, but he knows Heechul doesn't want to hear it. At least not right now.

They don't know where they're going, and they don't know what to do after getting off the bus. They're so young and so poor, and they both know they probably won't last long, that they'll be coming back home within a couple of weeks.
The good thing is, though, that since Heechul and Hankyung are one of the centers of attention in the school, everybody knows what has happened to them. So even if they ever need to come back home, they won't be alone. Not this time.

Hankyung wakes up from his thoughts as he notices Heechul staring at his reflection in the window. Hankyung smiles at him, and a single tear falls from Heechul's eye. Hankyung puts a hand in the hair behind Heechul's hair.

"What is it?" he asks, and he feels like maybe it's a stupid question after everything that's happened, but he still feels it's legitimate. Heechul turns his head towards him.

"I've been wanting to get away for so long" he says, and the tears continue to fall. "It's not at all what I imagined."

"It's not?" Hankyung lets his arm sneak around Heechul's shoulders, and his back hurts. He couldn't care less. Heechul shakes his head.

"No. I always imagined myself being alone and broken, just getting away so that I could break completely in a place where no one was watching." He pauses to turn around and face Hankyung in his seat, and Hankyung pulls his arm back. "But I'm not. I feel hopeful for the first time in years."

"Good" Hankyung says and reaches out to wipe away the older boy's tears. Heechul grabs his hand and holds it, letting his tears fall freely.

"I love you, Hankyung."

And it's so sudden and it takes Hankyung by surprise - not because he didn't know it, hadn't understood it, but just hearing it out loud is such an intense high that he didn't know existed. Just like everything else with Heechul.

The redhead throws himself into Hankyung's embrace, and the latter groans in pain. Neither of them care.

"I love you too" he whispers, slowly cradling Heechul from side to side.
When the pain becomes too strong, they pull back, and their swollen and bruised lips meet at once. It's painful, but it doesn't take away the high.

The bus has been on the road for an hour. Heechul's hand is intertwined with Hankyung's, and his tears are still falling silently. Hankyung lets them, because he's happy it's finally happened.

Hankyung suddenly notices the frown on Heechul's face.

"What is it?" he asks.

"They bruised the leather of my jacket" Heechul replies, nodding towards the collar. "I love this jacket." Hankyung laughs.

"This is the worst thing they ever did to me, no contest."

Hankyung throws his head back and laughs louder.

"You know, you really are a freak."

Heechul snorts.

"And a very kissable one at that."