The more we break, the more we feel alive
Title: The More We Break, the More We Feel Alive - Drabbly oneshot
Pairing: Taeny
Rating: G
Genre: Angst / Comfort
Summary: Taeyeon and Tiffany have to start over against their will.
Wordcount: 1967
A/N: I'm not sure I know what this is about... And it's angst, for a change! I think I'm an angst-whore. And now I'm inflicting it on Taeny >: I'm sorry!
Interpret it however you want^^
"No... no, please don't... Don't do this..."
Even though she had seen it coming, Taeyeon was naively surprised when the girl in front of her sank down to her knees. The thin layer of gravel upon the asphalt was wet and sloppy from the rain earlier. Taeyeon had been happy when it finally let up, but that was in the light of day. Now that they were standing alone in a dark alley, listening to the distant traffic, she dimly imagined that some rain would make them feel less lonely.
And it would wipe away the other girl's tears.
"No, please, Tiffany, you have to get up... I can't..."
But the girl just sunk further down until the tips of her long, brown hair touched the ground. She never let go of Taeyeon's hands, though, and Taeyeon gripped them tightly. She crouched her back and pulled at the pale, soft and cold hands as firmly as she dared, but she sensed there was no point.
She saw in slow motion how Tiffany's jeans-clad knees hit the ground, the small but hard rocks and the soil. A part of Taeyeon thought that this was reason enough to want Tiffany to stand back up, but it only took a split moment before she remembered that was not the part to focus on.
Tiffany finally started sobbing in front of her. There it was. The moment she had been waiting for the last couple of hours - actually days. Maybe weeks or months or, maybe the entire last year. She wasn't sure. She suspected she had feared this would happen ever since herself and Tiffany got together, and now it finally had. In a way, it was sort of a relief to Taeyeon's mind - she didn't have to constantly worry about it anymore.
But that seemed like a very weak comfort at the moment.
Taeyeon heard Tiffany's sobs and she could feel her own face change into a grimace of pain. Her eyes welled up with tears.
She didn't want to cry. Not now. Tiffany needed her. For a moment, she hated being the one that always took responsibility for everything. Among her friends, in her family, throughout school, always the front figure. Always one to be looked up to.
"Tiffany, no, we can't do this. Not here. Please... we have to go."
She could see tears dripping from Tiffany's eyes to the ground, and not slowly. There was no doubt in Taeyeon's mind that Tiffany was going through more pain than she had ever experienced in her entire life.
And Taeyeon knew exactly how she felt, because she felt it all herself. Her heart was breaking, her mind was in chaos, and above all things she just wanted to lie down on the ground and wait for somebody to pick her up and carry her home.
Home...
"Taeyeon..."
Tiffany whimpered and pulled at Taeyeon's arms, begging her to sit down beside her. Taeyeon bent down, but a part of her mind still cared about not touching the dirty ground.
The taller girl threw her arms around her neck and she held onto her as tight as she could. Tiffany's sobs jerked both of their bodies from side to side and increased in strength. Taeyeon buried her face in Tiffany's hair and tried to tell herself that it would soon be over, they would find a solution, it wasn't as bad as it seemed, Tiffany would stop crying and start smiling and everything would be okay...
But when Tiffany's sobs turned into sharp inhales of cold air mixed with tears, Taeyeon's hope faded until it was untouchable again.
Tiffany screamed.
A scream that seemed never ending, seemed to be made of all the air Tiffany had in her lungs. A cry that went straight through Taeyeon and broke her heart. She could hear it all in her voice, everything she couldn't say in words.
Taeyeon's ear hurt from the scream but she just pressed her face harder down into Tiffany's shoulder, her tears dangerously close to falling. She looked up and looked around in the alley, suddenly worried that someone would hear or see them, but she stopped herself when she realized she didn't want Tiffany to notice it. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about that right now.
No one was around anyway, no one was walking through the distant shadows of the apartment buildings around them. She rested her head on Tiffany's shoulder again.
The scream faded into another set of sobs and violent intakes of air, and her body became more limp than before, still clinging to Taeyeon's back. Taeyeon tried to see this as a sign of relaxation, but she was terrified of her girlfriend's state. She was helpless in the face of everything that had just happened, and everything that would happen over the coming days, months and years.
They held each other for another few minutes (think: Taeyeon held Tiffany), and Taeyeon knew that Tiffany needed time. Time to cry, to grieve, to scream, to remember, to fear, but this was not it. They didn't have the time.
"Tiffany... please... we have to go."
She could feel Tiffany shake her head in response to her whisper.
"Yes... Come on, honey, we can't stay here. We don't have time."
She kissed Tiffany lightly on her head, trying to somehow win her over again. Comfort her. Remember the trust they put in each other. But Tiffany didn't answer.
"We have to... we have to go home..."
Tiffany let go of her and pulled away a little - not far, not as if she wanted to leave the other girl, but long enough for Taeyeon to feel incomplete.
"Home?" Her voice was loud. Too loud. "Do we even have one anymore?"
Taeyeon wanted to bury her face in her hands, but she didn't want to seem as if she had doubts. Not in front of Tiffany. She needed hope. But she didn't want Tiffany to ask her these questions that stunned her. She didn't have an answer. She didn't know where they could turn, or to whom, or what they would do when they got up from the ground. It all seemed as hopeless to her as it did to Tiffany - did she not understand that?
But as always, her love for Tiffany overshadowed all irritation, grief and need to be taken care of. It had always been both her curse and blessing, through all these years.
"I... I don't..." she stuttered. She became desperate when she realized that there was just nothing to say. Nothing.
Tiffany looked her straight in the eyes, and her expression was lifeless.
"But we have to go. We can't stay here. Not now." It was the most important point to make right now.
"Where?" Tiffany asked, breathlessly.
Taeyeon wanted to crawl away from the question.
"We don't have anywhere, do we?" More pain. "It's all over, right?"
Taeyeon looked at her, and not even in a moment like this did she fail to see her beauty. She held her gaze while trying to figure out which way that was the best to go with.
"Maybe..." she whispered. A tear free fell from Tiffany's right eye. "Maybe we did just lose... everything..." Her voice broke as she thought of their coming challenge and everything she just didn't want to admit to herself yet. "But it's not the end of us."
Tiffany immediately shook her head.
"I know that. There will never be an end to this. Never."
After all these years, Taeyeon couldn't and didn't want to stop her heart from pounding a little harder.
"But this...Tae... There's no way..."
Tiffany turned her head from side to side, pressing her lips together and closing her eyes. Taeyeon put a finger to her lips. She suddenly found it very hard to breathe.
"There can't be... an end... without a new beginning."
Tiffany opened her eyes again and looked at her. She could see a light in her eyes, the way Tiffany was trying to understand.
Taeyeon wanted to believe herself. It had to be true, it just had to. Desperation clawed at her chest and she wanted to cuddle up with Tiffany in their bed...
...that was no longer theirs. Maybe didn't even exist anymore.
Oh, God...
"We'll think of something. We can do this, as long as we stick to each other. We can figure this out."
A car drove by on a nearby road in surprising speed, and Taeyeon could feel herself jumping a little. She had come too far from the real world. She could tell Tiffany felt it too; it was like an awakening. She suddenly became aware of her aching knees and ankles, and finally gave in and let her knees touch the ground.
Tiffany still didn't answer her. Her gaze was locked on a tiny rock on the ground.
"D-don't you believe me? Don't you believe you and me can get through anything?"
"I do." Tiffany looked away from the ground again. "But Tae, where do we go?"
Tiffany's tears were slowing down but were nowhere close to stopping. Taeyeon tried to think, but her brain felt so muddled. She could feel the cold starting to touch her bare arms, but it wasn't really getting to her. The covered shine from the street lights were starting to feel dreamlike.
"I don't know. But we'll just have to make our peace with that. We can't find a solution any other way."
Tiffany shifted their hands and Taeyeon noticed her fingers had turned numb. The other girl still didn't say anything, and Taeyeon couldn't blame her, even though she had no idea what to do.
"It will be a new start, just for the two of us. We can- we can do what we want."
She almost felt like she was only saying things to get a reaction from Tiffany, but she was trying to convince herself as much as the younger girl.
"We can live like we want... When we've sorted this out. We can... we can be who we want to be. And we can set things right."
Three eternities later, Tiffany slowly and hesitantly nodded. No smile. Just a faint squeeze of Taeyeon's hand. But it was enough for now. Taeyeon had no energy left to convince herself, let alone anyone else.
She dragged herself up from her knees and held out her hand to the girl in front of her. Tiffany looked down for a few seconds, while she wiped her tears. Taeyeon wasn't surprised to see that she was shaking.
Their hands met again and Taeyeon used the little energy she had left to pull on Tiffany's arms. When they stood facing each other, she let go of Tiffany's hands and did her best to wipe off the gravel from the other girl's jeans.
Even though she had expected it to be the other way around, it was Tiffany who took the first steps toward the now quiet street. Taeyeon absently wondered how late it was.
As they walked hand in hand, Taeyeon could feel herself being strong, for the first time. People had always praised her for it. For always doing what was best and caring for everyone else. Being strong. But after tonight, Taeyeon didn't think they had any idea what it really meant.
They had almost reached the old familiar road when Taeyeon started imagining what they could replace it with. If they could make their own, new home, what it might look like.
Because maybe, she thought as her first tear of the night finally fell, now that they had lost everything, they could start building life in their own way.
Tiffany was beside her.
Maybe a story involving a disaster could still have a happy ending.
Pairing: Taeny
Rating: G
Genre: Angst / Comfort
Summary: Taeyeon and Tiffany have to start over against their will.
Wordcount: 1967
A/N: I'm not sure I know what this is about... And it's angst, for a change! I think I'm an angst-whore. And now I'm inflicting it on Taeny >: I'm sorry!
Interpret it however you want^^
"No... no, please don't... Don't do this..."
Even though she had seen it coming, Taeyeon was naively surprised when the girl in front of her sank down to her knees. The thin layer of gravel upon the asphalt was wet and sloppy from the rain earlier. Taeyeon had been happy when it finally let up, but that was in the light of day. Now that they were standing alone in a dark alley, listening to the distant traffic, she dimly imagined that some rain would make them feel less lonely.
And it would wipe away the other girl's tears.
"No, please, Tiffany, you have to get up... I can't..."
But the girl just sunk further down until the tips of her long, brown hair touched the ground. She never let go of Taeyeon's hands, though, and Taeyeon gripped them tightly. She crouched her back and pulled at the pale, soft and cold hands as firmly as she dared, but she sensed there was no point.
She saw in slow motion how Tiffany's jeans-clad knees hit the ground, the small but hard rocks and the soil. A part of Taeyeon thought that this was reason enough to want Tiffany to stand back up, but it only took a split moment before she remembered that was not the part to focus on.
Tiffany finally started sobbing in front of her. There it was. The moment she had been waiting for the last couple of hours - actually days. Maybe weeks or months or, maybe the entire last year. She wasn't sure. She suspected she had feared this would happen ever since herself and Tiffany got together, and now it finally had. In a way, it was sort of a relief to Taeyeon's mind - she didn't have to constantly worry about it anymore.
But that seemed like a very weak comfort at the moment.
Taeyeon heard Tiffany's sobs and she could feel her own face change into a grimace of pain. Her eyes welled up with tears.
She didn't want to cry. Not now. Tiffany needed her. For a moment, she hated being the one that always took responsibility for everything. Among her friends, in her family, throughout school, always the front figure. Always one to be looked up to.
"Tiffany, no, we can't do this. Not here. Please... we have to go."
She could see tears dripping from Tiffany's eyes to the ground, and not slowly. There was no doubt in Taeyeon's mind that Tiffany was going through more pain than she had ever experienced in her entire life.
And Taeyeon knew exactly how she felt, because she felt it all herself. Her heart was breaking, her mind was in chaos, and above all things she just wanted to lie down on the ground and wait for somebody to pick her up and carry her home.
Home...
"Taeyeon..."
Tiffany whimpered and pulled at Taeyeon's arms, begging her to sit down beside her. Taeyeon bent down, but a part of her mind still cared about not touching the dirty ground.
The taller girl threw her arms around her neck and she held onto her as tight as she could. Tiffany's sobs jerked both of their bodies from side to side and increased in strength. Taeyeon buried her face in Tiffany's hair and tried to tell herself that it would soon be over, they would find a solution, it wasn't as bad as it seemed, Tiffany would stop crying and start smiling and everything would be okay...
But when Tiffany's sobs turned into sharp inhales of cold air mixed with tears, Taeyeon's hope faded until it was untouchable again.
Tiffany screamed.
A scream that seemed never ending, seemed to be made of all the air Tiffany had in her lungs. A cry that went straight through Taeyeon and broke her heart. She could hear it all in her voice, everything she couldn't say in words.
Taeyeon's ear hurt from the scream but she just pressed her face harder down into Tiffany's shoulder, her tears dangerously close to falling. She looked up and looked around in the alley, suddenly worried that someone would hear or see them, but she stopped herself when she realized she didn't want Tiffany to notice it. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about that right now.
No one was around anyway, no one was walking through the distant shadows of the apartment buildings around them. She rested her head on Tiffany's shoulder again.
The scream faded into another set of sobs and violent intakes of air, and her body became more limp than before, still clinging to Taeyeon's back. Taeyeon tried to see this as a sign of relaxation, but she was terrified of her girlfriend's state. She was helpless in the face of everything that had just happened, and everything that would happen over the coming days, months and years.
They held each other for another few minutes (think: Taeyeon held Tiffany), and Taeyeon knew that Tiffany needed time. Time to cry, to grieve, to scream, to remember, to fear, but this was not it. They didn't have the time.
"Tiffany... please... we have to go."
She could feel Tiffany shake her head in response to her whisper.
"Yes... Come on, honey, we can't stay here. We don't have time."
She kissed Tiffany lightly on her head, trying to somehow win her over again. Comfort her. Remember the trust they put in each other. But Tiffany didn't answer.
"We have to... we have to go home..."
Tiffany let go of her and pulled away a little - not far, not as if she wanted to leave the other girl, but long enough for Taeyeon to feel incomplete.
"Home?" Her voice was loud. Too loud. "Do we even have one anymore?"
Taeyeon wanted to bury her face in her hands, but she didn't want to seem as if she had doubts. Not in front of Tiffany. She needed hope. But she didn't want Tiffany to ask her these questions that stunned her. She didn't have an answer. She didn't know where they could turn, or to whom, or what they would do when they got up from the ground. It all seemed as hopeless to her as it did to Tiffany - did she not understand that?
But as always, her love for Tiffany overshadowed all irritation, grief and need to be taken care of. It had always been both her curse and blessing, through all these years.
"I... I don't..." she stuttered. She became desperate when she realized that there was just nothing to say. Nothing.
Tiffany looked her straight in the eyes, and her expression was lifeless.
"But we have to go. We can't stay here. Not now." It was the most important point to make right now.
"Where?" Tiffany asked, breathlessly.
Taeyeon wanted to crawl away from the question.
"We don't have anywhere, do we?" More pain. "It's all over, right?"
Taeyeon looked at her, and not even in a moment like this did she fail to see her beauty. She held her gaze while trying to figure out which way that was the best to go with.
"Maybe..." she whispered. A tear free fell from Tiffany's right eye. "Maybe we did just lose... everything..." Her voice broke as she thought of their coming challenge and everything she just didn't want to admit to herself yet. "But it's not the end of us."
Tiffany immediately shook her head.
"I know that. There will never be an end to this. Never."
After all these years, Taeyeon couldn't and didn't want to stop her heart from pounding a little harder.
"But this...Tae... There's no way..."
Tiffany turned her head from side to side, pressing her lips together and closing her eyes. Taeyeon put a finger to her lips. She suddenly found it very hard to breathe.
"There can't be... an end... without a new beginning."
Tiffany opened her eyes again and looked at her. She could see a light in her eyes, the way Tiffany was trying to understand.
Taeyeon wanted to believe herself. It had to be true, it just had to. Desperation clawed at her chest and she wanted to cuddle up with Tiffany in their bed...
...that was no longer theirs. Maybe didn't even exist anymore.
Oh, God...
"We'll think of something. We can do this, as long as we stick to each other. We can figure this out."
A car drove by on a nearby road in surprising speed, and Taeyeon could feel herself jumping a little. She had come too far from the real world. She could tell Tiffany felt it too; it was like an awakening. She suddenly became aware of her aching knees and ankles, and finally gave in and let her knees touch the ground.
Tiffany still didn't answer her. Her gaze was locked on a tiny rock on the ground.
"D-don't you believe me? Don't you believe you and me can get through anything?"
"I do." Tiffany looked away from the ground again. "But Tae, where do we go?"
Tiffany's tears were slowing down but were nowhere close to stopping. Taeyeon tried to think, but her brain felt so muddled. She could feel the cold starting to touch her bare arms, but it wasn't really getting to her. The covered shine from the street lights were starting to feel dreamlike.
"I don't know. But we'll just have to make our peace with that. We can't find a solution any other way."
Tiffany shifted their hands and Taeyeon noticed her fingers had turned numb. The other girl still didn't say anything, and Taeyeon couldn't blame her, even though she had no idea what to do.
"It will be a new start, just for the two of us. We can- we can do what we want."
She almost felt like she was only saying things to get a reaction from Tiffany, but she was trying to convince herself as much as the younger girl.
"We can live like we want... When we've sorted this out. We can... we can be who we want to be. And we can set things right."
Three eternities later, Tiffany slowly and hesitantly nodded. No smile. Just a faint squeeze of Taeyeon's hand. But it was enough for now. Taeyeon had no energy left to convince herself, let alone anyone else.
She dragged herself up from her knees and held out her hand to the girl in front of her. Tiffany looked down for a few seconds, while she wiped her tears. Taeyeon wasn't surprised to see that she was shaking.
Their hands met again and Taeyeon used the little energy she had left to pull on Tiffany's arms. When they stood facing each other, she let go of Tiffany's hands and did her best to wipe off the gravel from the other girl's jeans.
Even though she had expected it to be the other way around, it was Tiffany who took the first steps toward the now quiet street. Taeyeon absently wondered how late it was.
As they walked hand in hand, Taeyeon could feel herself being strong, for the first time. People had always praised her for it. For always doing what was best and caring for everyone else. Being strong. But after tonight, Taeyeon didn't think they had any idea what it really meant.
They had almost reached the old familiar road when Taeyeon started imagining what they could replace it with. If they could make their own, new home, what it might look like.
Because maybe, she thought as her first tear of the night finally fell, now that they had lost everything, they could start building life in their own way.
Tiffany was beside her.
Maybe a story involving a disaster could still have a happy ending.