Line 49 (Chapter 30) (Part 2/2)

[swshawnee]

"We have to go home."

Tiffany looked like she could barely process her words when she raised her head, it was all Taeyeon could do not to start shaking with rage. Tiffany was a different person. The warmth that made her into the girl Taeyeon knew was gone, replaced by something pale, washed out, something she never wanted to see again in her life.

It took the younger girl's red eyes a lot of effort to focus on her. "Taeyeon?" she said then. "Where have you been?"
"Took a walk," Taeyeon bit out in reply. And what a walk it had been; she had stayed outside after her conversation with Sunny, trying her hardest to arrange the thoughts in her head. She had planned on just staying outside until she had made some sense of things, but before she knew it over an hour had passed and she still couldn't do anything other than cursing her supposed herione in her head. "We have to go home."

"How come?" Tiffany asked softly, leaning forwards on the bench, mistaking Taeyeon's rage for grief.

"I can't stay here anymore." The other girls looked up at her words, but Taeyeon couldn't bear facing any of them. "Let's go. Please." Tiffany glanced hesitantly at Yuri, who sat right beside her, but the younger gave her a short nod.

"She's right," she said. "We don't know how long it's going to be until she wakes up again, and it's getting late. We should get something to eat."

Tiffany glanced at the clock. "I don't know... It feels so wrong to leave her here."

"We're not helping her more by staying here than we do at home," Yuri said softly.

"Please, let's just go," Taeyeon bit out, contemplating just grabbing Tiffany's hand and pulling her with her down the corridor, but she couldn't stand the thought of touching her. Now or ever again.

Tiffany reached out for her. "Taeyeon, I know this is awful-"

"Let's talk at the house," Taeyeon cut her off, the volume of her voice rising dangerously. The girls stared at her in silence, and she could practically feel Sooyoung's eyes piercing her back.

There was a hint of pity in the confusion on Tiffany's face, and it made Taeyeon ache with something that felt like disgust. How could she be so shameless? How could she pretend like she wanted what was best for Taeyeon when she had played her like that for so many months, lying, acting, pretending like she was someone she was not? Was there no one in this world who genuinely cared for another human being without trying to use them, play them like puppets? "Let's go," she insisted, and Tiffany almost managed to mask her sigh.

"Alright," the younger said, slowly standing up. "If you really need to get out of here, then we'll go."

"Great." Taeyeon turned around, wanting to run out of the hospital, away from Tiffany. Most of all she wanted to go to sleep, go back home to her mother and sleep on her probably dusty bed until the whole thing was over, until Seohyun had woken up, until Tiffany was long gone from her life. It was all too much to deal with at the same time.

"I'm gonna go home too," Yuri said, walking over to Jessica, who had taken over the place by the vending machine. "Come with me?" she asked. "Please?" Jessica nodded silently, taking Yuri's hand in her own.

"I'm staying," Yoona said. "What if she wakes up here all alone? I'm staying."

"Her parents are here," Yuri said. "She won't be alone when she wakes."

"I don't care. I'm staying until the doctors tell me there's no point." The resolve in her eyes forced Taeyeon to look away.

"I'll stay with you," Sooyoung said. "I want to be here for her too." Though she averted her gaze, Taeyeon could see that what she really meant was I'm always waiting anyway. "How about you?" she asked, turned to Sunny.

"I'm staying," she said simply. "I couldn't... leave like this."

"We'll come back later or tomorrow, okay?" Tiffany said, crouching down in front of Yoona. The younger nodded.

"Keep us updated," Yuri said. "Call if anything happens."

"Of course," Sooyoung assured them. And with that, Taeyeon walked off, hearing Tiffany follow behind her but not bothering to acknowledge her presence. She had had her fooled for months; it was time for a change.

The twenty minute car ride home was silent, even before they dropped of Yuri and Jessica at the latter's apartment. Taeyeon didn't have anything to say, at least not yet, and she assumed her moodiness kept Tiffany from starting a conversation. Thank God for small favors. The anger still burned and boiled in all her body, not just towards Tiffany, but towards every single day of her life she had spent unsure, insecure and unknowing. She wanted to scream and yell at her father for taking off and not letting her come with; she wanted to go back in time and tell her mother to go to hell for not loving her enough; and Tiffany... Tiffany, who was supposed to be the light to shine through her darkness, to rescue her right when she needed to be saved, this goddess who had come into her life to right her wrongs and love her when no one else would...

Taeyeon didn't know what she wanted Tiffany to do. But for now, it seemed like the easiest solution would be to never see each other again.

When they pulled over on their driveway, or had it gone back to being Tiffany's driveway again? Taeyeon jumped out of the car before the other had a chance to say anything. She waited like an impatient puppy as Tiffany unlocked the door, and the moment the door opened she threw her shoes off and sprinted up the stairs towards Tiffany's room.

"Taeyeon?" Tiffany called from the bottom of the stairs. "Are you alright?"

She wouldn't waste any time. Tiffany knew exactly how she had betrayed her. There was nothing to explain. Instead she dashed into their shared bedroom and pulled out her bag from beneath Tiffany's bed, the same one she had picked up at her mother's apartment the day she and Tiffany visited. Thoughts of that day filled her head as she hurried over to the closet to gather her clothes, and it all seemed too familiar. With sadness seeping in from all directions, she decided that that must be what life is like, that security and safety can never be permanent. "Home" is something that only exists in your mind if you force it to, and Taeyeon guessed she would spent the rest of her life searching for it.

She gave the room a quick look, packing up the few things she still considered to be hers, before she made her way down the stairs again to never come back. She had thought she was so happy in this place, and she could only hope that she would ever find a place where that feeling was real and true.

Tiffany spotted her from the living room couch as Taeyeon came down the stairs. "What's going on?" she asked instantly, hurrying out into the hallway. "Where are you going?"

Taeyeon landed heavily on the last step, right in front of the other girl. She watched her worried expression, feeling her heart break in her chest. "You're... you're Stephanie?" she said numbly, still not able to believe in those words. Tiffany's mouth fell closed. She said nothing, did nothing, but remained where she was standing. Taeyeon exhaled. "I can't fucking believe this," she hissed, pushing past the other girl to put her shoes on.

"No, Taeyeon, wait," Tiffany said, grabbing her bag as Taeyeon made to leave. "Wait, wait, I can explain."

"Fuck off," Taeyeon growled, surprised that her cheeks were still dry.

"Please, no, just hear me out," Tiffany said, pulling harder on her bag, but Taeyeon pushed on and managed to open the front door despite the tugging pain in her shoulder.

"Let go," she yelled, pulling herself out of Tiffany's grip. "You've said enough, now leave me the fuck alone!"

"I just wanted- I just wanted to help you!" the younger yelled back, and Taeyeon didn't have to look at her to know that she was crying. She stepped out on the gravel outside of Tiffany's house, and the other followed closely behind her. Soon enough there was a hand pulling her back again. "I swear, I swear, I did everything with your best in mind, I swear!"

Taeyeon came to a stop, feeling the anger pull so hard at her nerves that she couldn't control herself. She turned around, pulled her bag out of the other girl's hands and gave her a harsh shove, watching as she stumbled backwards. "You lied to me!" she yelled. "You acted like you gave me time to open up to you while you were prying my secrets from me every single time I called you!"

Regaining her balance, Tiffany stared at her, eyes wide and shocked at the elder’s reaction. "No," she whimpered, "that's not-" Taeyeon turned around to walk away again, not interested in hearing her excuses. "That's not what I was doing! You needed help, Taeyeon, you did, or you wouldn't have called 49, so I was just trying to help you- I swear, that's all I ever wanted to do, Taeyeon, please!"

Before she knew it, Tiffany had clung onto her hand and sunk down, her knees on the gravel and her hair hanging in front of her face. "You could have told me," Taeyeon said coldly.

"I couldn't," Tiffany cried. "I wanted to so many times, but you needed me to have a place to stay and you needed Stephanie to have someone to talk to- you know you would have freaked out and left both of us if I would have told you!"

"No," Taeyeon bit out, shaking her head, "you don't get to blame me for this. You screwed me over so badly, and I refuse to let you make it my fault." She pulled her hand out of Tiffany's to make her point, and the other girl fell forwards on the ground, looking up at her.

"That's not- I'm not trying to make it your fault!" she said, voice shrill and loud. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry, I know it was a stupid thing to do but I didn't know what else to- please, don't go!" She got back up on her feet as Taeyeon turned around again.

"You have no right to ask me for anything, do you understand?" Taeyeon spat. She stepped out on the road, feeling more relieved the further she came from Tiffany's house. Behind her the younger fought for breath through her tears, but she didn't look back.

"Where... where will you go?" Tiffany asked, apparently admitting defeat.

"Sooyoung's."

"But she's still at the hospital."

Taeyeon turned around, walking backwards down the road. She had to let out a joyless chuckle at everything that had happened to her, unsure of if she had ever felt so dark. Tiffany had stopped walking and stood lifelessly on the side of the street. "So I guess I'll give her a call," Taeyeon yelled at her. "You of anyone should know how much I love my fucking phone calls!"

As Jessica and Yuri sat in the backseat of Tiffany's car, Jessica thought there this was something about Seohyun's accident that made grief feel brand new. Granted, when she thought back it seemed like the nine of them had lived on nothing but grief for a long time, but the feelings the wreckage brought up were completely unexpected. At the news of Hyoyeon's disappearance and Sungmin's death, she had felt awake, like someone had smacked her across the cheek with a frying pan, and now... Now she felt like with every passing second, she was sinking deeper into a coma.

There was simply no way this was happening for real.

They got a ride home with Tiffany, and both Taeyeon in the passenger seat and the driver herself were silent. Tiffany, usually so full of positive words and encouragement had fallen silent. Yuri, too, when Jessica thought of it, used to always be the one to take charge and make sure everyone was okay. Now she was staring out the window, looking as dazed and lost as Jessica felt.

It made her want to scream, kick things, break the silence, wake herself up, wake everyone up, but she felt crippled. Tied to herself. And when Tiffany dropped them off outside Jessica's apartment, neither of the four of them had spoken a word.

Just as Jessica climbed out the car door, her phone buzzed in her hand, telling her she had a new message. Sunny, the display read, and Jessica felt a spark of life in the pit of her stomach.

Sender: Sunny
Recipient: Jessica
i need you.. i understand if it'll be hard to get away since she asked you to go with her. but please. later. whenever you can, even if it's late... please. i need you. i can't do this.

Jessica's heart burned. She looked up to make sure Yuri couldn't see, but the younger had already started making her way towards Jessica's front door without a look back.

Sender: Jessica
Recipient: Sunny
i'll try my best. everything will be okay. ♥

She caught up with Yuri, who was holding the front door open, waiting for her. Jessica hurried through it, glancing at her girlfriend, but Yuri still wouldn't look back at her. Sighing, Jessica started walking up the stairs, sure that there was a long night ahead.

"What are we going to eat?" she said as they entered her apartment and she kicked her shoes off. "I don't feel like I could even try to swallow anything right now." She walked into the living room and sank down on her orange couch, turning towards the hallway where Yuri was taking longer to remove her shoes.

"I don't either," the younger replied, slowly, with small steps, following Jessica into the room.

Jessica raised an eyebrow at her. "But earlier... you said we should-"

"Give me your phone."

Jessica looked up, wide-eyed at Yuri, now standing in front of her by the couch with her hand reached out. "What?"

Yuri didn't move. "Give me your phone."

"Why?" Jessica asked, feeling a hole of nervousness open inside her.

Yuri gave a small shake of her head, but her expression was hard and cold. "I just want to check something."

Jessica leaned back. She hadn't had time to delete Sunny's latest message, and what would happen if Yuri read that? Sunny hadn't written anything too bad, had she? Could she let Yuri read it and pass it off as something innocent? "No," she replied softly.

Yuri withdrew her hand, but her expression didn't change. "Why?"

Jessica forced a laugh. "What's going on?"

"Why can't you lend me your phone?" the younger asked again. Jessica was starting to feel very pressured under the weight of her gaze.

"Why should I?" she asked back.

"Why can't you lend me your phone, Jessica?" Yuri said, and now her voice was firm, rising in volume in a way that Jessica had never heard before. The fake smile dripped off her face.

"Because it's private, it's my private things-"

"You never used to have a problem with me going through your private things until you had something to hide!" Yuri half-yelled, staring into her eyes with an intensity Jessica had never seen before, and then she turned around. She walked around the couch and stood behind the backrest. Jessica remained where she was, frozen as her every nightmare seemed to come true. Yuri knew. There was no doubt about it. But how? Could she still somehow convince Yuri that it wasn't true? It obviously wasn't the right thing to do, but it seemed like the only option; her mind was reeling as the panic threatened to overtake her, but she forced herself to stay calm.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, turning around, deciding it was best to try to not seem too suspicious. "I'm not hiding anything, it's just- I have a right to some privacy and I don't want you to go through the conversations I have with my friends!"

Yuri shook her head. There were tears gleaming in her eyes. "So you're telling me, that if I looked in your phone right now, I wouldn't find texts from Sunny?"

She wanted to look away, but it was as though her body stopped obeying her commands. She wanted to reply, say no, or maybe yes, of course you would, we're just friends, but it was too late. She knew it. Yuri had found out, and in the end, Jessica had lost. The one thing that couldn't happen did. Yuri shook her head, and Jessica wondered how it was possible for her eyes to hold so many tears without them flowing over. "So it's true?" Yuri said, her voice shaking now. "You two... You really..." She looked down at the floor, swallowing hard as her voice came out choked. "You cheated on me with her?"

Jessica looked finally looked away, and that was it. Yuri exhaled, and Jessica didn't want to see the tears spill over her cheeks. The consequences of her actions. She nodded, silently, staring at the floor.

"Don't... lie to me any more," Yuri breathed, placing a finger under Jessica's chin and tilting it up. Jessica wanted to squeeze her eyes shut and pretend the whole thing was a nightmare, because the look on Yuri's face was so pained that it made tears well up in Jessica's eyes, too. "Tell me... what happened between you two."

Jessica didn't try to pull out of Yuri's grip. "We- we just kissed, I swear. I promise, that's all that happened." The lies came falling out of her mouth because the only thing she wanted, the only thing she felt like she could do, was to save herself. She had already hurt Yuri. She had already gone too far. All she had left to save was herself.

But Yuri removed her hand, as if burned, so suddenly that Jessica almost fell forward in surprise. "I said don't - lie to me - any more!" Yuri yelled, slamming her fist on the backrest of the couch just next to where Jessica was sitting. The older shifted to the edge of the couch with a whimper, heart beating erratically in her chest. She looked up at Yuri, who stared back at her, apparently with no qualms what so ever about scaring her. "I know everything," she said, breath coming out in little pants. "I know you kissed, I know she's in love with you, I know you slept together." Jessica averted her gaze at the words, shame sweeping over her in a red-hot wave. "And I guess now I know what it means when you promise something. When you swear."

Jessica shook her head. "How?"

Yuri kept silent for a few moments. Her voice was calm when she replied. "Sunny has been calling into Line 49 for the past year. She's been opening her heart to me since before you two even met." Jessica had to stop her mouth from falling open in awe. "She told me the first time you kissed. She told me when you slept together... She doesn't know that, of course."

"You've..." Jessica tried, frightened by the bitterness on her girlfriend's face. "You've known all this time?"

"She didn't tell me her name. I didn't figure it out until last night."

Jessica nodded. She thought suddenly that for someone who spent such a enormous amount of time imagining and fearing this situation, she was very unprepared. There seemed to be nothing to say, nothing that could ease the hate Yuri must have been feeling towards her in that moment, and that was probably the way it should be. It was what she deserved. There was nothing to say in her defense.

"So... that's it?" Yuri said, quiet tears flowing down her cheeks in streams. "You're just going to sit there without saying anything? You're not even going to pretend like you're sorry?"

Jessica swallowed heavily. "I am sorry," she argued. "I'm so, so sorry, Yuri, you can't even imagine how shitty I feel about everything I put you through-"

Yuri rolled her eyes, pulled her hands through her hair and turned away as Jessica was talking. "God," she spat, "why didn't you just break up with me?"

"I-" Jessica began, still without a clue of what to say, "I tried, you know." Yuri turned back to her, eyes shooting daggers. "I thought I wanted to be with Sunny, but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. I know it's not an excuse, but I was so confused, and I just loved you too much to-"

"Yeah," Yuri interrupted. "You loved me so much you let me believe it was all my fault while you were off having sex with someone else!"

Jessica felt herself trembling as she nodded. "You're right," she said weakly. "I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. I'm a horrible person."

"Yeah, well, you can't just say that to get out of this," Yuri said, walking around the couch to stand in front of Jessica again. "I trusted you. I loved you, and I've always been faithful to you." Jessica looked up for a short second at the word 'loved', wanting so badly to ask, but being too scared of the answer. "What you did was..."

"I know."

"And I just can't believe it. I can't believe you'd do this."

Jessica shook her head. "Me neither."

"Tell me honestly," Yuri began, and Jessica braced herself. "Don't you dare fucking lie again. Are you in love with her?"

Jessica didn't waste any time before she nodded. "That's what made it difficult." She looked up, hoping Yuri would understand, but the younger looked nothing other than disgusted. "I wouldn't just... throw us away over nothing. I love her. I wish I didn't, but I do."

"Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" Yuri asked. "That's what I'm wondering the most right now, Sica. Why in the name of hell would you let me believe that it was because of me? Did you seriously, after all this time, still think so little of me that you would rather let me suffer than tell me the truth?"

"I think..." Jessica started, mind spinning with effort to search through herself, find the reason, just to have something to say that wouldn't leave her as empty as she really was, pointless, heartless, speechless. "I think... in a way, I was scared. That you would leave me, and I would end up alone."

Jessica glanced at the other, hoping for something, but judging by the way her chest rose and fell rapidly, her words did nothing to calm her down. "You're disgusting," she bit out. "Do you know that? You are so fucked up." Jessica wanted to cover her ears, shield herself from the sound of her own heart breaking, because she may have told herself those things time and time again before, but hearing them from Yuri, the person who had loved her unconditionally for so long... She guessed it was good that Yuri had found out who she really was in the end.

"Yuri, please," she said, feeling herself choke up as she spoke. "I know, I know what I am. Just leave me. Just leave me, okay? Don't drag it out. Just leave." She covered her face with her hands, warm tears wetting them as her body seemed to enter an impossible next stage of shock. "Just leave me," she cried, "I deserve it."

"That's it?" Yuri said. "You're not going to fight? You're just giving up?"

"Why should I?" Jessica said, getting up on her knees. "You're going to leave me anyway, aren't you?"

Yuri raised her arms to shrug, angry tears still streaming down her face. "Shouldn't I?"

"Yes!" Jessica yelled. "You should! There's nothing I can say other than I'm sorry, and blame it all on how confused I was, and that doesn't really make a fucking difference, does it?"

Yuri's jaw clenched. "You're not done with her?"

Jessica stilled. "I don't know."

"So you're done with me?"

And through her anger, Jessica saw the vulnerability in Yuri, the hurt that lay behind her words, the thing Jessica feared the most in this world. More so, she realized, than her own loneliness. She shook her head. "Never."

"When I thought you were leaving me... It hurt so much. More than anything I've ever experienced," Yuri said, slowly walking over to the couch and sitting down on it as far from Jessica as she could manage. "Well, until now. But I stayed and I fought for you because I loved you more than anything. And seeing you give up so easily, telling me I should leave... makes me think that maybe I should." Yuri wasn't looking back at her. "That maybe you wish I would."

Jessica shook her head, leaning her face into her hand. She was exhausted, emotionally drained, and at a loss for what to do. "I think you should. I think you should have left ages ago. But I wish you wouldn't." Yuri snorted from her side of the couch, and Jessica looked at her. "I mean it. I still love you. I always will."

Yuri grimaced. "Don't."

"You just said you wanted me to fight for you," Jessica argued. "And you know what? You're always talking about how I can't admit it when I'm wrong, how I have such a hard time apologizing for my mistakes. It's not because I'm conceited. It's because I'm always ashamed of myself, now more than ever. I don't think I deserve to fight for you."

Yuri wiped her tears, uselessly as they were instantly replaced by new ones. "What do you want me to say? You cheated on me when we had been together for four years." The volume of her voice rose again, as if she was suddenly reminded of what had happened, and Jessica closed her eyes. "I don't have any reassurance to give you."

"I'm not looking for reassurance," Jessica replied with a groan. "I'm just trying to make you understand that I'm well aware of what a shitty person I am. If it makes you feel better, you can go ahead and tell me again, but I already know."

Neither of them looked at the other where they sat, both of them crying, both of them exhausted beyond words. "Most of the time," Yuri said quietly, "I believe in second chances. Not now, but most of the time. I know myself that well." Jessica felt a surge in her stomach, a glint of hope that left her feeling like she was suffocating. "And I know that despite how you fucked me over, I still love you, somewhere, deep down," she continued quickly, sounding like the words left a sour taste in her mouth. "And this whole thing will hurt, badly, for a long time, whether you are with me or not. I need to know... If you're leaving me for her." Jessica stared ahead at the silent television set, unable to form any coherent thoughts. "Because if you are... I don't want to waste any time on trying to forgive you."

"What are you saying?" Jessica asked. "I thought you were leaving me."

Yuri sighed. "I wish I could say the same. But like you, I'm confused. I've been thinking about this since last night, and..." She shook her head, her face contorting in sadness, and more tears rolled down her face. "I thought I was going to spend my entire life with you, and I don't know how to just... throw that away. But... I'm not going to stay and fight for someone who won't fight for me."

"I... I don't know what to say," Jessica managed to get out, feeling like the room was spinning. Yuri was a much better person than Jessica could ever even pretend to be, and she knew she was unworthy of such an angel, though she still wanted her more than she could ever express in words. But though she knew that there were few things in this world that could compare to being loved by Yuri, so selflessly, so powerfully, the thought of Sunny remained in the back of her head, making her heart beat until she was dizzy. The problem still wasn't solved.

"Then you need to figure that out," Yuri said firmly. "Because until you figure that out, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell you. There's no answer until you have figured out if you want to stay or not." Their eyes finally met, Yuri's for the first time that evening soft and full of emotion. Jessica nodded to show she understood, but everything felt too twisted for her to really process. She had been caught in the act, but the choice upon which their relationship rested was still hers? "I'm not saying it would work," Yuri continued. "I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to trust you again. Right now, when I look at you, all I feel is deception. What I'm saying is, I want to know whether or not I should even try."

"I understand," Jessica said.

Yuri nodded, looking down at her hands. The vulnerable look was back. "Do... you want to?" she asked carefully.

"I do," Jessica said. "But at the same time-"

"Okay," Yuri said, interrupting her, obviously not wanting to hear any details. "Then think it over. Figure out what you want." She stood up, walking away from the older. "I'm going to go home. Don't call or text me until you've made a decision." Jessica nodded, feeling her heart drop. "And Sica..." Yuri said, stopping in her steps but remaining with her back towards her. "Do me a favor, and don't come back to me unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want." Jessica stared at her back, empty. "I don't think I could take losing you again. Twice is enough."

With that, she walked to the door, and Jessica was left sitting where she was, trying to think of something to say, anything, before the door would close and Yuri would be gone from her life for god only knows how long. What if Jessica never figured it out? What if the rest of their lives would pass and Jessica would regret never saying that one thing?

But the door slammed shut before she could think of anything, without another word from Yuri. And Jessica remained where she was, crawling into a ball on the couch, the tears finally slowing down and stopping. Mere seconds passed before she started wishing she had apologized better, kneeled and begged and pleaded for Yuri’s forgiveness like she should have. Instead she had been handed it on a silver plate. There was no one in the world like Yuri. And never had she been so lost.

Chapter 31: "Did you run away or get kicked out?"