Line 49 (Chapter 30) (Part 1/2)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 9,180
A/N: Alright, i've been posting this chapter in 5 parts, but now that I've written all of it I'm putting it here in one post. So don't be fooled, even if you've read the first part, you definitely have not read all five. :o this is confusing, i know... welp. anyway, if you're sticking with the story, just make sure you've read all parts of this chapter ^^
When Yoona got back on her feet, she didn't know how long she had been sitting down for. Her eyes were locked on the demolished bus in the distance, how it looked so still and unmoving. Though she was a little too far away to tell, she was sure that the broken windows showed no sign of a moving silhouette; no one was making their way down the aisle to let her know they were okay, perhaps unharmed, even just alive. The surrounding street was just as still, much too calm for the stale burn of disbelief in Yoona's body.
She made her way down the street and closer to the wreckage, despite her every nerve yelling and screaming at her to look away, because this was most certainly the kind of scene where her parents would tell her to cover her eyes, would it have come on the TV when she was a child. And she was; she knew it when she stumbled on shaking legs towards the biggest disaster in her life, how small she was in front of the thought of Seohyun disappearing from her, of never getting a chance to explain why she had rushed off the way she did.
With a start, she remembered her mother's phone call, Mrs. Lee's condition, the ambulance, and with numb hands she dialed the emergency number, wishing so badly that someone else could be there and take care of this when she had no idea what to do. An operator picked up her call before she had time to realize the phone was now by her ear, and she was supposed to use her voice. "What's your emergency?" the voice on the other line asked. Female. Far away. "The girl I love could be dead, and she was on her way to dance practice. She's playing the lead role in their production, the rest of her team can’t do without the lead dancer!" Yoona's mind replied while her lips were too busy trying to deny the truth.
Dead. Like Sungmin. Like Hyoyeon? Like Mrs. Lee? It seemed harder to breathe, and even the word 'dead' made less sense as the milliseconds passed like minutes and the bus moved closer yet only looked more unreal. "Hello?" the voice prodded, searching for the part of Yoona's mind that was still working.
"There's been an accident," Yoona breathed. "On... on Stygian street," she continued, tumbling past the bus stop and reading the street name as she passed it again before finally remembering to add the name of their city. "An ambulance... it crashed into a bus..."
"An ambulance is on the way," the operator replied after a short pause. "Can you tell me how many people that are on the bus?"
"No? I-it was a little less than half full?" Yoona said, trying to remember walking through the bus, but she knew she had only had eyes for Seohyun.
Before she knew it, she had reached the bus. It towered over her, white with red patterns, and as she held her breath and looked up towards the few windows that were still in place, she saw nothing. No sign of life. No lifeless heads leaning against or out of windows, no blood stained or splattered on glass. "The ambulance," Yoona managed, "it was on its way to answer another call."
"Don't worry, we will send another one in their place." And that was all Yoona needed to hear. She heard the woman on the other end ask for her name as she lowered the phone, letting it fall onto the asphalt below, and stumbled over to the bus' front door. Slowly, she pushed her hands against it, feeling the surface beneath her fingers, cold against the scorching air. Her heart shrunk at how solid it seemed. She looked up towards the windows again, wanting a way to get inside the bus and end this nightmare, find Seohyun alive, whether or not the other people died or lived. She didn't care. The windows were much too high for her to be able to reach, so she turned her dazed eyes back to the door. Without thinking twice, she turned her body and threw herself with all her strength against the door, and winced when a sharp pain travelled through her shoulder and down into her hand. Not stopping to give herself time to think, she repeated the action, again, again, again, trying to put more power into her movements until her shoulders were both numb and unfeeling.
The door remained in place. Yoona leaned against it, breaths now coming out short and uneven as she cried without tears. When would the ambulance be here? Could she survive this feeling of endless horror and eerie emptiness until then? Earlier the hospital had seemed so close, but now that short street appeared endless.
Her fingers found both sides of the door, and she pressed her nails down in the crevice around it. Panting, she pushed with all her might, to the left, to the right, towards her, but the door remained firmly shut. "Come on," she pleaded, more seeing than feeling her nails crack and split, giving way for blood to flow up and smear on the black molding. "Come on, come on, come on," she chanted desperately, withdrawing her hands and going back to pushing against the door, the traces of her blood on the white surface starting up the thought process in her head: What if Seohyun was already dead?
Sounds she barely recognized made their way out of her mouth as she banged her fists on the door, sobs that weren't sobs and screams that weren't screams, because Yoona didn't know when things had become like this; when had Seohyun's death started to feel so much like her own?
"Hey," came an unknown voice from behind her, and she screamed when she barely felt a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back. "Easy."
She spun around and was greeted by the face of a stranger. A man, seemingly in his twenties, not too tall but pretty heavily built. She looked him over once, barely taking in his features. "Help," she said then, holding up her bleeding hands, as if the scene beside them wasn't enough of an explanation.
"Calm down, okay? Everything's alright," the man said, knowing better than try to put his hands on Yoona's shoulders again. "Did you call an ambulance?"
Yoona nodded feverishly, her eyes stinging from the way she was forcing them open. "The bus..."
"Do you know anyone on there?" the man asked, and his composure made him seem like he was from another world. He stretched his neck, trying to get a better look at the wreckage.
"Yes, she's my..." Yoona tried, but faltered when she didn't know how to finish the sentence. She wondered dimly if her heart was still present in her chest. "I need to see if she's okay. Help me, please."
"Step aside," the man said. Yoona did as she was told, stepped backwards with her back against the trashed ambulance. The man then braced himself before raising his leg and placing a well-aimed kick towards the door, causing the bus to shake where it stood, but the door didn't budge. He stepped back, repeating the action, the bus seeming to shake a little more each time, and Yoona waited with her breath in her throat as nothing else happened.
Eventually, he gave up. Yoona stood to the side and wanted to scream, "no, you have to keep going, you can't let her disappear this way, please, don't let her die," but the words lay silent in her mouth as he looked at her with sad eyes. "I don't think I can break it down, I'm sorry," he said. "I guess we'll just have to wait until the ambulance gets here." Yoona nodded shakily, once again looking up to the windows, praying and hoping for a change, but there was none. How could the universe be so silent with its help when her entire soul was screaming out so loudly for help? "I'm sure your friend will be okay," the man continued, and Yoona didn't think she could bear looking at his face. "I'm Kangin, by the way."
"Yoona," she choked out in reply. She turned her back towards him, finally facing the ambulance for the first time. It was deformed to the point where it didn't look like a vehicle of any sort anymore. She followed its crumpled hood with her eyes until her gaze found the two people in the front seats, and she immediately squeezed her eyes shut.
"Don't look," Kangin said from somewhere behind her. "They will be okay once they get to the hospital." Yoona remained in place with her eyes closed, fighting the urge to vomit. How could someone who had lost that amount of blood ever be okay? They had to be dead already, there was no doubt in Yoona's mind. And so was Seohyun, wasn't she? Her beautiful face and her slim limbs, her body that bloomed on the dance floor, was in the bus right in front of them, bleeding just like the ambulance workers, lifeless and wasted, wasn't it? And that’s when she realized it: if she hadn’t gotten off the bus, it would long since have passed the street to the hospital when the ambulance arrived. The accident would never have happened. Now she had Seohyun’s life on her conscience, as well as Mrs. Lee’s and maybe countless other people, who despite her own selfishness were as real as she was, with lives, families and people that would miss them as much as Yoona would miss Seohyun. The truth washed over her at once and added to pile of guilt already on the verge of collapsing in her mind.
"Seohyun!" Yoona screamed as loud as she could, voice coming out shrill enough to pierce through the hazy shock that had lowered on her heart. "Seohyun!"
"Hey..." Kangin said, placing a hand on her shoulder, but Yoona shrugged it off when she ran over to the place she remembered leaving Seohyun in.
"Seohyun, can you hear me? " she screamed, body pressed against the side of the bus with her face tilted upwards, facing the bright, blue sky. "Seohyun!"
"They will be here soon," Kangin mumbled from behind her, his voice quiet and sad, but Yoona couldn't hear him. She yelled out Seohyun's name time and time again, driven mad by the thought of Seohyun's body maimed and unmoving, and just as she felt Kangin's unfamiliar hands on her again, she noticed something beyond the sound of her own desperate voice: distant echoing of sirens. She sunk back to the ground, all the while feeling Kangin’s fingers squeeze around her shoulders. The truth would catch up on her, whether she wanted it to or not.
Sunny and Jessica were the last ones to make it to the hospital, having had to wait thirty agonizing minutes for a bus to take them there. They ran through the clean corridors, through this place neither of them had ever visited; Sunny first, fueled by fear, and Jessica behind her with her heart in her throat.
Though she tried to focus all her attention on finding the rest of the girls, Sunny's thoughts were unstoppable, and they raced around her brain, in all directions without her control. It seemed to her now that everything she had worried about until now was meaningless. She loved Jessica, and that she knew, but never in her life had she felt a stronger connection than she had with Seohyun. They had been best friends for six years. There was no one she had ever loved as much as the younger girl. And in that moment, when it seemed like their time together had come to an end, how could anything like a silly love affair matter? In a way, it increased the pressure on her already overloaded heart; because since Jessica - and Yoona - had entered their lives, things hadn't truly been the same.
If this was the way they had spent their last months together... Sunny didn't want to think about what that meant.
They finally found the girls in a corridor between two waiting rooms. There was a vending machine placed there for anxious souls to try to make themselves feel better, and Yuri was leaning against it. Opposite it was a bench, on which Yoona sat, her face in her hands, not even looking up as Sunny and Jessica approached. Tiffany said beside her with a hand on her thigh, while Taeyeon stood beside the bench, leaning against the wall and looking very pale. Next to Taeyeon, on the floor, sat Sooyoung, head leaned against the wall with her eyes closed.
Everything Sunny felt changed at the sight of them. It suddenly felt a lot more real, and at the same time safer. Tiffany's eyes shifted between Sunny's face and Jessica's for a few moments before she croaked out a faint "hey."
"Hi," Sunny managed back, not having space to deal with the guilt of arriving there with Jessica. She turned her focus towards Taeyeon instead, whose eyes were locked on her shoulder. She made a half-hearted attempt to meet Sunny's eyes as the latter neared her carefully, and the quiet quiver of her bottom lip told Sunny all she needed to know before Taeyeon crashed into her embrace.
"What happened? How is she?" came Jessica's voice, and Sunny looked behind her shoulder to see the other girl make her way over to Yoona. She watched as Jessica sunk to her knees, her one hand finding Yoona's thigh while the other rested on top of Tiffany's. "Yoona? What happened?"
Tiffany pulled her hand out of the other's grip and focused her attention on Yoona. "Sweetie?" she said softly, stroking her hair out of her face and placing it behind her ear. "Do you think you can tell it again or should I?"
At the same time as Taeyeon withdrew from Sunny's embrace, Yoona let her hands fall from her face. Sunny had to try hard not to wince when she saw the state of the younger; her face was pale, her eyes were red and there were fresh streaks of tears down her cheeks. She sniffled, her breathing ragged and panting, before nodding. "It's alright, I can do it," she replied, stuttering a little. Her eyes only met with Jessica's for a short second before she looked down on her quivering hands, and Tiffany squeezed her shoulder tightly. Sunny kept a hold of Taeyeon's hand as the latter leaned against the wall again, and they shared a sad look of disbelief for the whole situation. Could their beloved Seohyun really leave them? Silent tears fell over Taeyeon's cheeks, and she wiped them away without a word.
Yoona told them what had happened that afternoon, how they had taken the bus together and how Seohyun had ended up in a wreckage. Sensing the younger's discomfort with being watched so closely, Jessica got up off the floor and moved back to take Yuri's hand in hers. It wasn't until Yoona had fallen silent, eyes dead and distant, that Sunny realized she was supposed to have been on that bus. She was supposed to have been on her way to dance practice that day as well, if not for...
Her eyes met Jessica's across the room, and the look on her face told her the other girl had realized the same thing. Jessica had saved her. The thought did nothing to ease her mind, but she supposed she and Jessica were even now.
"But," Sunny said, suddenly feeling the tears press on her vocal chords. "How is she? What do the doctors say?"
"They were here before," Tiffany said hoarsely. "They said something about head trauma... possible brain damage, if she at all survives..."
"They said it's too early to tell," Yuri finished for her. Sunny looked at in her surprise, almost having forgotten she was there. Her eyes fell on her and Jessica's linked hands, and she marveled at how all her feelings that didn't involve Seohyun seemed to have been lost. "She's still in surgery. There was some damage to her ribs and lungs as well." The words were spoken with such composure, so cleanly and professionally that it made Sunny frown.
"Her parents are on the way," Sooyoung added weakly from beside her. "They should be here any minute."
"God, I don't want to be here when they do," Tiffany said, tears now falling from her eyes, too.
Yoona looked at her through puffy eyes. "Have you met them before?"
"No," Tiffany cried. "But I can't take this. The loss. There's been too much already." She wiped her tears angrily. "And how can a mother and a father deal with losing their child?" The agony in her voice made tears well up in Sunny's eyes, and she stared down at the floor, vaguely aware that Jessica had buried her face in Yuri's neck. "How do you move on after losing a family member? That's not losing a person, that's... losing part of yourself." Tiffany's voice was distorted by pain, and it all rushed through Sunny at once; the realization that this was not the kind of 'gone' that Seohyun could come back from. Seohyun, who wasn't just a person, but a part of Sunny. She sobbed, it was unstoppable, and she let go of Taeyeon's hands to cover her face.
"Seohyun..." she groaned. "She can't die. She can't be gone. This is not happening."
Taeyeon, seemingly unsure of what to do, put her arms around Tiffany's shoulders, only making the younger cry harder. Arms encircled Sunny's waist from behind, and she jumped a little in surprise at Sooyoung's sudden display of affection. Given her normally talkative nature, her silence made it seem like she wasn't truly there, and Sunny leaned into her embrace, knowing how the tallest had always had a secret, soft spot for the youngest, despite her constant complaints. She could feel her warm tears against her neck.
"W-what about Mrs. Lee?" Jessica asked suddenly, breaking out of Yuri's embrace. "What happened to her? Is she alright?"
Yoona nodded tiredly. Her tears appeared to have stopped. "She was having a panic attack... Apparently it's common for people to mistake them for heart attacks."
"You're serious?" Jessica said, staring at Yoona like she was insane. "She made you do all of that... for nothing?"
"No, please, please don't blame her," Yoona pleaded, giving Jessica a dark look. "I asked her... I told her if I could ever do anything for her..." she paused, breathing heavily though no tears fell. "She thought she was dying."
The world seemed dim around Sunny's head, so dim that everything inside her seemed like the only thing that was real. Every breath she took seemed too loud in her throat. Every tear seemed to burn their way down her cheek. It scared her, how Sooyoung's hands on her stomach beneath her own seemed so surreal, but somewhere deep down she knew she was in shock. Maybe, if Seohyun made it through, the world would come back again. If she didn't... Sunny shook her head, looking at Yoona where she sat. She looked so broken that Sunny's heart seemed to ache even more. And she wanted to walk over to her, put her arms around her and hug her tightly, but she knew it wouldn't be welcome. The two of them still hadn't exchanged a word since Sunny told her about her affair.
But to her surprise, Yoona looked back up at her for a few hesitating seconds, red eyes meeting Sunny's as words seemed to be stuck on her tongue. She then got up from the bench and walked over to Sunny, and Sooyoung let her arms slip from her waist. Yoona stood in front of her, head tilted, face pained and eyes cast towards the floor. "I know she loves you more than anything," she said, almost whispered. "And I know you feel the same." She looked up, as if looking for confirmation, and Sunny nodded. "You feel like if she dies, there will be no point in getting up tomorrow, don't you?" Sunny nodded again, feeling that bottomless tug in her stomach again. Without another word, she threw her arms around Sunny's shoulders, holding her tightly. The deep sighs she breathed onto the bare skin of Sunny's neck told her more about what she felt than any words ever could.
So Sunny closed her eyes and tried to take comfort in knowing that despite the pain that threatened to overwhelm her, at least there was somebody who understood what she felt.
"What now?" Jessica asked when the silence had stretched out for too long. Sunny's hands were locked behind Yoona's back. She didn't open her eyes. "What do we do?"
In the end, it was Sooyoung who replied, somehow with a sting of irony to her words: "Now we wait."
Yuri insisted that they needed to keep a positive mind while they waited and assured them time and time again that Seohyun would wake up, that she was stronger than this, that she wasn't going to die. Neither of the girls found the energy to even reply. Yoona saw herself as a fairly optimistic person, barred the last couple of months, but when it came to Seohyun... She simply meant too much to Yoona for her not to be scared of losing her. Yoona didn't want to voice the thought out loud. She didn't want to cry any more.
She thought she was doing well with keeping the tears inside until she heard Sooyoung's rough voice from beside her: "Mr. and Mrs. Seo are here." She looked up to see the couple making their way towards them, smiling in recognition as they saw Sunny, Taeyeon and Sooyoung, yet still looking extremely shaken up. Yoona felt herself start shivering at the sight of them; would they be here together when the news of Seohyun's fate would be delivered?
Seohyun's parents greeted them all, and Mrs. Seo pulled Seohyun's oldest friends into bone-cracking hugs. She looked calm, a lot calmer than Yoona would have thought, while the pain was visible on Mr. Seo's face. His body seemed to tense up the moment he came to a stop in front of them, and he seemed unsure of what to do with himself. Yoona ached at the sight of him. She had wanted to meet Seohyun's parents for a long time, but she'd rather die than have to face them this way.
Sooyoung, Sunny and Taeyeon mumbled out their condolences, and tears that had dried up started flowing again. Tiffany's eyes rarely left the floor. Eventually, Mrs. Seo turned to them and asked: "Which one of you is Yoona?"
Yoona didn't trust her voice as the other girls turned to look at her, so she simply raised her hand. Mrs. Seo nodded. "Would you girls mind giving us a moment?" she said then, looking around. The girls scrambled to their feet, and Yoona considered just getting up and running away with them, but the nervousness kept her frozen in her seat. She heard Taeyeon mutter a choked "can I talk to you for a second?" to Sunny before they disappeared down the corridor, and Mrs. Seo turned to her with a warm but tired smile. She sat down next to her while Mr. Seo took Yuri's place over by the vending machine.
"How are you doing?" Mrs. Seo asked once stillness had settled. Yoona simply shook her head, tears welling up at the question. "I understand."
"You seem... so calm, if you don't mind me saying," Yoona said. A tear slipped down her cheek.
"I refuse to acknowledge the risk that my daughter will never wake up," Mrs. Seo replied. "I don't know how a person goes through that. I have to keep believing that everything is going to be okay." Despite her smile, the tears in her eyes told Yoona the truth. "My daughter... feels so warmly about you," she said then, making Yoona's eyes widen in surprise; had Seohyun told her parents about them? "And I have no choice but to believe that she will get through this with the strength of those who love her... which is why I'm so glad you are here."
Yoona nodded, deciding that it didn't matter if Mrs. Seo knew just how much Yoona loved her daughter. "Of course," she choked out. Mrs. Seo stood up and walked over to her silent husband. Yoona stayed on the bench, feeling like the very short conversation had put her head in a spin; she knew having faith would never save Seohyun. But ultimately, if it could keep all them alive even just for the moment, she would hold onto it with all her soul.
Taeyeon led Sunny back to the main entrance and out the door. The sky was grey, though rain still seemed far away. The wind was still as they sank down on the stone steps, Taeyeon with her arm around Sunny's shoulders.
"I guess I don't need to ask you how you're doing," she said quietly, pulling Sunny in closer. The younger let out a quivering breath against Taeyeon's neck.
She shook her head, and when she replied, her voice was instable. "I know you feel it too."
The world had seemed like a blur to Taeyeon's head when they were in the hospital corridors, and the fresh air and cool temperature made everything seem just a bit more real. Although, in fairness, Taeyeon wasn't sure that a heightened sense of reality was what she really wanted at the moment. The thought of Seohyun dying seemed so ridiculous, like a big joke, because how could any of them live on after that?
Though she tried her hardest to bring her head back to the reason why she had brought Sunny out here, regrets still lingered in her mind and made her wonder if she would ever be able to focus on anything else again. "I know this is possibly the worst moment I could have chosen to do this, but..." she began, and in the madness of it all, she didn't even seem to feel nervous. "There's something I need to tell you." Sunny leaned back out of her embrace, looking at her expectantly. "I've wanted to for a while, and it's getting to the point where not telling you is just plain stupid." Taeyeon didn't feel the need to look away.
"Alright," Sunny said. "I'm listening."
Barely bracing herself, she blurted out, almost too quickly: "I'm gay."
A smile that Taeyeon was sure would have seemed happy on any other day came over Sunny's features. Her hand landed on Taeyeon's, squeezing it softly. "Proud of you, Tae," she said. "I'm glad you told me."
It didn't seem real. Could it really be so simple, coming out to somebody? Taeyeon looked away, feeling her ears warm up at the affectionate words, and at the same time feeling a little ashamed that it took her so long to tell someone who she trusted so much. "I wanted to for the longest time... Well, that's not true, actually. Most of that time I never wanted you to find out."
Sunny hmm'ed. "Did you really think I would react badly?"
"Not really," Taeyeon replied, shaking her head, "but I was so scared... I don't think I could ever describe it." She paused, suddenly overwhelmed by everything that had happened in such a short time. Sunny gave her a funny look. "I was prepared to lie to everyone, including myself, forever."
Nodding, Sunny removed her hand from Taeyeon's. Taeyeon was glad to see the tears in her eyes had dried up. "So what changed?"
Taeyeon smiled, although stiffly, and the thought of Seohyun came burning back again, because she knew that her smile was as joyless as Sunny's had been only moments earlier. "So much. I told Sooyoung... Tiffany pulled it out of me... And everything was fine with them, but I still clung onto the fear as if... as if it meant something. Like it was supposed to be part of my life, like it was part of being gay."
Sunny slung her arm over her shoulders this time. "Well, now you know it isn't."
Taeyeon nodded, words still vibrating on her tongue. "I wanted to tell you, and the others, but I kept putting it off, telling myself that it was because I was too scared. But I always knew nothing would change if I told you," she gave Sunny a pointed look. "Ever since you gave me the number to Line 49."
Sunny's eyes widened for a moment before that unhappy smile half lit up her face again. "Oh... God, I had almost forgotten that..." She stared off into the distance, trying to recall the day it had happened. "It seems like such a long time ago."
"It is," Taeyeon said. "You saved my life by doing that."
Sunny looked at her in surprise. "Really?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said. "Well, it also got my thrown out of the apartment, but..." she finished with a laugh.
Sunny looked horrified. "What?"
"My mother overheard a call and told me to get lost," Taeyeon explained.
"So that's why you've been staying with Tiffany?" Sunny asked, eyes still wide and mouth hanging open slightly.
"Yes."
"Have you talked to her at all since then?"
"Once," Taeyeon replied, keeping the memory of the day she had gone back home at a safe distance. "She firmly believes I chose to be a lesbian and until I choose not to be, we can't be in each other's lives." And for the first time, she said it while fully believing she was not the one at fault.
"Taeyeon... I'm so sorry," Sunny said, sympathy clear on her face. Taeyeon just shook her head. "I wish you would have told me. I would have been there for you a lot more than I have."
Taeyeon put her hand on top of Sunny's, still placed on her shoulder. "We haven't really talked much recently, have we?" she said softly. "With everything that's been going on..."
"Everything that's been going on is a very good reason for us to talk," Sunny said firmly.
Taeyeon nodded slowly. "But with me sneaking around, keeping secrets... I've been distracted. Not a very good friend." And it was true. When was the last time she had been there for Sunny, listened to her troubles? She barely knew what had been going on in the other girl's life since school had started up again.
"Oh, please," Sunny said, knocking Taeyeon's hand away. "It sounds like you've been going through hell."
"It's fine, though," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. Sunny gave her a disbelieving look. "Really, I feel better than I have in years," she tried. "Of course there's still a lot left to work through, but at least I have the will to. And... I think that means more than I ever realized."
Sunny leaned back a little, trying to make herself comfortable despite the sharp stone cutting into her lower back. "I've always felt like you were a little bit closed off from me," she said thoughtfully. "Even when you talked to me about things that were bothering you."
Taeyeon considered it, and the truth was right in front of her face. "Yeah. You're right," she admitted. "It's weird how a secret like that can affect everything else about you. It was like, because I had this secret, I was so scared someone would find out I was gay if I opened up about stuff. Even completely unrelated things. Like it would become obvious the moment I opened my mouth."
"Which, to some, it kind of was," Sunny said, nudging her with her knee.
Said knee received a light slap from a mildly flustered Taeyeon. "I was so shocked the day you gave me that note, though."
"I thought you would be," Sunny said with an amused snicker. "I saw you struggling and I wanted to ask you, but... I could tell how fragile you were." She paused, looking up at Taeyeon. "I didn't want to overwhelm you, but I wanted to let you know that it was completely fine, you know? And if you still didn't feel like you could talk to me, you'd at least have someone to support you."
Taeyeon tried her best to take in the other's words. It was true; she had been so fragile, the smallest thing could send her into a spiral of anxiety. Thinking back, she didn't even fully understand how she had managed to live like that for 18 long years. But all was well, she guessed. She had become so much stronger. "It's a good thing you did," she said. "I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for Stephanie."
Sunny stared at her before slowly sitting up. "Stephanie?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said. "My contact at 49."
"Oh."
Taeyeon leaned back, forgetting the sadness of the moment for just a little while. "God, it feels so good to be truthful after lying for all these years," she breathed. "And talking about it so calmly... it doesn't seem so bad."
Sunny leaned her elbows on her knees, her back against Taeyeon. "I can only imagine."
"And... you know that the reason it took this long for me to tell you isn't that I don't trust you, right?" Taeyeon said, sitting up quickly to look Sunny in the eyes.
"I know, Taeyeon," the younger said, avoiding her eyes. "I know."
Taeyeon wondered for a moment if she had done anything to upset the other girl, but then she remembered where they were and why they were there. She placed a hand on Sunny's arm. "Seohyun's accident..." she mumbled, "it made me wish I had told you both a long time ago. I'll tell her the moment she wakes up." Sunny looked up at her at that, trying on a smile again, and Taeyeon could see how badly she wanted to hope that everything would be okay.
"Taeyeon..." the younger said. "Just out of curiosity, has Tiffany ever told you what her mother's name was?"
Taeyeon frowned, searching her brain. "No, why?"
With a sigh, Sunny stood up. "It was Stephanie." Taeyeon looked back at her in confusion for a few moments before a bottomless hole seemed to open somewhere in her stomach. Sunny looked on as realization dawned in her eyes. "Just something to think about."
Part 2
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 9,180
A/N: Alright, i've been posting this chapter in 5 parts, but now that I've written all of it I'm putting it here in one post. So don't be fooled, even if you've read the first part, you definitely have not read all five. :o this is confusing, i know... welp. anyway, if you're sticking with the story, just make sure you've read all parts of this chapter ^^
When Yoona got back on her feet, she didn't know how long she had been sitting down for. Her eyes were locked on the demolished bus in the distance, how it looked so still and unmoving. Though she was a little too far away to tell, she was sure that the broken windows showed no sign of a moving silhouette; no one was making their way down the aisle to let her know they were okay, perhaps unharmed, even just alive. The surrounding street was just as still, much too calm for the stale burn of disbelief in Yoona's body.
She made her way down the street and closer to the wreckage, despite her every nerve yelling and screaming at her to look away, because this was most certainly the kind of scene where her parents would tell her to cover her eyes, would it have come on the TV when she was a child. And she was; she knew it when she stumbled on shaking legs towards the biggest disaster in her life, how small she was in front of the thought of Seohyun disappearing from her, of never getting a chance to explain why she had rushed off the way she did.
With a start, she remembered her mother's phone call, Mrs. Lee's condition, the ambulance, and with numb hands she dialed the emergency number, wishing so badly that someone else could be there and take care of this when she had no idea what to do. An operator picked up her call before she had time to realize the phone was now by her ear, and she was supposed to use her voice. "What's your emergency?" the voice on the other line asked. Female. Far away. "The girl I love could be dead, and she was on her way to dance practice. She's playing the lead role in their production, the rest of her team can’t do without the lead dancer!" Yoona's mind replied while her lips were too busy trying to deny the truth.
Dead. Like Sungmin. Like Hyoyeon? Like Mrs. Lee? It seemed harder to breathe, and even the word 'dead' made less sense as the milliseconds passed like minutes and the bus moved closer yet only looked more unreal. "Hello?" the voice prodded, searching for the part of Yoona's mind that was still working.
"There's been an accident," Yoona breathed. "On... on Stygian street," she continued, tumbling past the bus stop and reading the street name as she passed it again before finally remembering to add the name of their city. "An ambulance... it crashed into a bus..."
"An ambulance is on the way," the operator replied after a short pause. "Can you tell me how many people that are on the bus?"
"No? I-it was a little less than half full?" Yoona said, trying to remember walking through the bus, but she knew she had only had eyes for Seohyun.
Before she knew it, she had reached the bus. It towered over her, white with red patterns, and as she held her breath and looked up towards the few windows that were still in place, she saw nothing. No sign of life. No lifeless heads leaning against or out of windows, no blood stained or splattered on glass. "The ambulance," Yoona managed, "it was on its way to answer another call."
"Don't worry, we will send another one in their place." And that was all Yoona needed to hear. She heard the woman on the other end ask for her name as she lowered the phone, letting it fall onto the asphalt below, and stumbled over to the bus' front door. Slowly, she pushed her hands against it, feeling the surface beneath her fingers, cold against the scorching air. Her heart shrunk at how solid it seemed. She looked up towards the windows again, wanting a way to get inside the bus and end this nightmare, find Seohyun alive, whether or not the other people died or lived. She didn't care. The windows were much too high for her to be able to reach, so she turned her dazed eyes back to the door. Without thinking twice, she turned her body and threw herself with all her strength against the door, and winced when a sharp pain travelled through her shoulder and down into her hand. Not stopping to give herself time to think, she repeated the action, again, again, again, trying to put more power into her movements until her shoulders were both numb and unfeeling.
The door remained in place. Yoona leaned against it, breaths now coming out short and uneven as she cried without tears. When would the ambulance be here? Could she survive this feeling of endless horror and eerie emptiness until then? Earlier the hospital had seemed so close, but now that short street appeared endless.
Her fingers found both sides of the door, and she pressed her nails down in the crevice around it. Panting, she pushed with all her might, to the left, to the right, towards her, but the door remained firmly shut. "Come on," she pleaded, more seeing than feeling her nails crack and split, giving way for blood to flow up and smear on the black molding. "Come on, come on, come on," she chanted desperately, withdrawing her hands and going back to pushing against the door, the traces of her blood on the white surface starting up the thought process in her head: What if Seohyun was already dead?
Sounds she barely recognized made their way out of her mouth as she banged her fists on the door, sobs that weren't sobs and screams that weren't screams, because Yoona didn't know when things had become like this; when had Seohyun's death started to feel so much like her own?
"Hey," came an unknown voice from behind her, and she screamed when she barely felt a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back. "Easy."
She spun around and was greeted by the face of a stranger. A man, seemingly in his twenties, not too tall but pretty heavily built. She looked him over once, barely taking in his features. "Help," she said then, holding up her bleeding hands, as if the scene beside them wasn't enough of an explanation.
"Calm down, okay? Everything's alright," the man said, knowing better than try to put his hands on Yoona's shoulders again. "Did you call an ambulance?"
Yoona nodded feverishly, her eyes stinging from the way she was forcing them open. "The bus..."
"Do you know anyone on there?" the man asked, and his composure made him seem like he was from another world. He stretched his neck, trying to get a better look at the wreckage.
"Yes, she's my..." Yoona tried, but faltered when she didn't know how to finish the sentence. She wondered dimly if her heart was still present in her chest. "I need to see if she's okay. Help me, please."
"Step aside," the man said. Yoona did as she was told, stepped backwards with her back against the trashed ambulance. The man then braced himself before raising his leg and placing a well-aimed kick towards the door, causing the bus to shake where it stood, but the door didn't budge. He stepped back, repeating the action, the bus seeming to shake a little more each time, and Yoona waited with her breath in her throat as nothing else happened.
Eventually, he gave up. Yoona stood to the side and wanted to scream, "no, you have to keep going, you can't let her disappear this way, please, don't let her die," but the words lay silent in her mouth as he looked at her with sad eyes. "I don't think I can break it down, I'm sorry," he said. "I guess we'll just have to wait until the ambulance gets here." Yoona nodded shakily, once again looking up to the windows, praying and hoping for a change, but there was none. How could the universe be so silent with its help when her entire soul was screaming out so loudly for help? "I'm sure your friend will be okay," the man continued, and Yoona didn't think she could bear looking at his face. "I'm Kangin, by the way."
"Yoona," she choked out in reply. She turned her back towards him, finally facing the ambulance for the first time. It was deformed to the point where it didn't look like a vehicle of any sort anymore. She followed its crumpled hood with her eyes until her gaze found the two people in the front seats, and she immediately squeezed her eyes shut.
"Don't look," Kangin said from somewhere behind her. "They will be okay once they get to the hospital." Yoona remained in place with her eyes closed, fighting the urge to vomit. How could someone who had lost that amount of blood ever be okay? They had to be dead already, there was no doubt in Yoona's mind. And so was Seohyun, wasn't she? Her beautiful face and her slim limbs, her body that bloomed on the dance floor, was in the bus right in front of them, bleeding just like the ambulance workers, lifeless and wasted, wasn't it? And that’s when she realized it: if she hadn’t gotten off the bus, it would long since have passed the street to the hospital when the ambulance arrived. The accident would never have happened. Now she had Seohyun’s life on her conscience, as well as Mrs. Lee’s and maybe countless other people, who despite her own selfishness were as real as she was, with lives, families and people that would miss them as much as Yoona would miss Seohyun. The truth washed over her at once and added to pile of guilt already on the verge of collapsing in her mind.
"Seohyun!" Yoona screamed as loud as she could, voice coming out shrill enough to pierce through the hazy shock that had lowered on her heart. "Seohyun!"
"Hey..." Kangin said, placing a hand on her shoulder, but Yoona shrugged it off when she ran over to the place she remembered leaving Seohyun in.
"Seohyun, can you hear me? " she screamed, body pressed against the side of the bus with her face tilted upwards, facing the bright, blue sky. "Seohyun!"
"They will be here soon," Kangin mumbled from behind her, his voice quiet and sad, but Yoona couldn't hear him. She yelled out Seohyun's name time and time again, driven mad by the thought of Seohyun's body maimed and unmoving, and just as she felt Kangin's unfamiliar hands on her again, she noticed something beyond the sound of her own desperate voice: distant echoing of sirens. She sunk back to the ground, all the while feeling Kangin’s fingers squeeze around her shoulders. The truth would catch up on her, whether she wanted it to or not.
Sunny and Jessica were the last ones to make it to the hospital, having had to wait thirty agonizing minutes for a bus to take them there. They ran through the clean corridors, through this place neither of them had ever visited; Sunny first, fueled by fear, and Jessica behind her with her heart in her throat.
Though she tried to focus all her attention on finding the rest of the girls, Sunny's thoughts were unstoppable, and they raced around her brain, in all directions without her control. It seemed to her now that everything she had worried about until now was meaningless. She loved Jessica, and that she knew, but never in her life had she felt a stronger connection than she had with Seohyun. They had been best friends for six years. There was no one she had ever loved as much as the younger girl. And in that moment, when it seemed like their time together had come to an end, how could anything like a silly love affair matter? In a way, it increased the pressure on her already overloaded heart; because since Jessica - and Yoona - had entered their lives, things hadn't truly been the same.
If this was the way they had spent their last months together... Sunny didn't want to think about what that meant.
They finally found the girls in a corridor between two waiting rooms. There was a vending machine placed there for anxious souls to try to make themselves feel better, and Yuri was leaning against it. Opposite it was a bench, on which Yoona sat, her face in her hands, not even looking up as Sunny and Jessica approached. Tiffany said beside her with a hand on her thigh, while Taeyeon stood beside the bench, leaning against the wall and looking very pale. Next to Taeyeon, on the floor, sat Sooyoung, head leaned against the wall with her eyes closed.
Everything Sunny felt changed at the sight of them. It suddenly felt a lot more real, and at the same time safer. Tiffany's eyes shifted between Sunny's face and Jessica's for a few moments before she croaked out a faint "hey."
"Hi," Sunny managed back, not having space to deal with the guilt of arriving there with Jessica. She turned her focus towards Taeyeon instead, whose eyes were locked on her shoulder. She made a half-hearted attempt to meet Sunny's eyes as the latter neared her carefully, and the quiet quiver of her bottom lip told Sunny all she needed to know before Taeyeon crashed into her embrace.
"What happened? How is she?" came Jessica's voice, and Sunny looked behind her shoulder to see the other girl make her way over to Yoona. She watched as Jessica sunk to her knees, her one hand finding Yoona's thigh while the other rested on top of Tiffany's. "Yoona? What happened?"
Tiffany pulled her hand out of the other's grip and focused her attention on Yoona. "Sweetie?" she said softly, stroking her hair out of her face and placing it behind her ear. "Do you think you can tell it again or should I?"
At the same time as Taeyeon withdrew from Sunny's embrace, Yoona let her hands fall from her face. Sunny had to try hard not to wince when she saw the state of the younger; her face was pale, her eyes were red and there were fresh streaks of tears down her cheeks. She sniffled, her breathing ragged and panting, before nodding. "It's alright, I can do it," she replied, stuttering a little. Her eyes only met with Jessica's for a short second before she looked down on her quivering hands, and Tiffany squeezed her shoulder tightly. Sunny kept a hold of Taeyeon's hand as the latter leaned against the wall again, and they shared a sad look of disbelief for the whole situation. Could their beloved Seohyun really leave them? Silent tears fell over Taeyeon's cheeks, and she wiped them away without a word.
Yoona told them what had happened that afternoon, how they had taken the bus together and how Seohyun had ended up in a wreckage. Sensing the younger's discomfort with being watched so closely, Jessica got up off the floor and moved back to take Yuri's hand in hers. It wasn't until Yoona had fallen silent, eyes dead and distant, that Sunny realized she was supposed to have been on that bus. She was supposed to have been on her way to dance practice that day as well, if not for...
Her eyes met Jessica's across the room, and the look on her face told her the other girl had realized the same thing. Jessica had saved her. The thought did nothing to ease her mind, but she supposed she and Jessica were even now.
"But," Sunny said, suddenly feeling the tears press on her vocal chords. "How is she? What do the doctors say?"
"They were here before," Tiffany said hoarsely. "They said something about head trauma... possible brain damage, if she at all survives..."
"They said it's too early to tell," Yuri finished for her. Sunny looked at in her surprise, almost having forgotten she was there. Her eyes fell on her and Jessica's linked hands, and she marveled at how all her feelings that didn't involve Seohyun seemed to have been lost. "She's still in surgery. There was some damage to her ribs and lungs as well." The words were spoken with such composure, so cleanly and professionally that it made Sunny frown.
"Her parents are on the way," Sooyoung added weakly from beside her. "They should be here any minute."
"God, I don't want to be here when they do," Tiffany said, tears now falling from her eyes, too.
Yoona looked at her through puffy eyes. "Have you met them before?"
"No," Tiffany cried. "But I can't take this. The loss. There's been too much already." She wiped her tears angrily. "And how can a mother and a father deal with losing their child?" The agony in her voice made tears well up in Sunny's eyes, and she stared down at the floor, vaguely aware that Jessica had buried her face in Yuri's neck. "How do you move on after losing a family member? That's not losing a person, that's... losing part of yourself." Tiffany's voice was distorted by pain, and it all rushed through Sunny at once; the realization that this was not the kind of 'gone' that Seohyun could come back from. Seohyun, who wasn't just a person, but a part of Sunny. She sobbed, it was unstoppable, and she let go of Taeyeon's hands to cover her face.
"Seohyun..." she groaned. "She can't die. She can't be gone. This is not happening."
Taeyeon, seemingly unsure of what to do, put her arms around Tiffany's shoulders, only making the younger cry harder. Arms encircled Sunny's waist from behind, and she jumped a little in surprise at Sooyoung's sudden display of affection. Given her normally talkative nature, her silence made it seem like she wasn't truly there, and Sunny leaned into her embrace, knowing how the tallest had always had a secret, soft spot for the youngest, despite her constant complaints. She could feel her warm tears against her neck.
"W-what about Mrs. Lee?" Jessica asked suddenly, breaking out of Yuri's embrace. "What happened to her? Is she alright?"
Yoona nodded tiredly. Her tears appeared to have stopped. "She was having a panic attack... Apparently it's common for people to mistake them for heart attacks."
"You're serious?" Jessica said, staring at Yoona like she was insane. "She made you do all of that... for nothing?"
"No, please, please don't blame her," Yoona pleaded, giving Jessica a dark look. "I asked her... I told her if I could ever do anything for her..." she paused, breathing heavily though no tears fell. "She thought she was dying."
The world seemed dim around Sunny's head, so dim that everything inside her seemed like the only thing that was real. Every breath she took seemed too loud in her throat. Every tear seemed to burn their way down her cheek. It scared her, how Sooyoung's hands on her stomach beneath her own seemed so surreal, but somewhere deep down she knew she was in shock. Maybe, if Seohyun made it through, the world would come back again. If she didn't... Sunny shook her head, looking at Yoona where she sat. She looked so broken that Sunny's heart seemed to ache even more. And she wanted to walk over to her, put her arms around her and hug her tightly, but she knew it wouldn't be welcome. The two of them still hadn't exchanged a word since Sunny told her about her affair.
But to her surprise, Yoona looked back up at her for a few hesitating seconds, red eyes meeting Sunny's as words seemed to be stuck on her tongue. She then got up from the bench and walked over to Sunny, and Sooyoung let her arms slip from her waist. Yoona stood in front of her, head tilted, face pained and eyes cast towards the floor. "I know she loves you more than anything," she said, almost whispered. "And I know you feel the same." She looked up, as if looking for confirmation, and Sunny nodded. "You feel like if she dies, there will be no point in getting up tomorrow, don't you?" Sunny nodded again, feeling that bottomless tug in her stomach again. Without another word, she threw her arms around Sunny's shoulders, holding her tightly. The deep sighs she breathed onto the bare skin of Sunny's neck told her more about what she felt than any words ever could.
So Sunny closed her eyes and tried to take comfort in knowing that despite the pain that threatened to overwhelm her, at least there was somebody who understood what she felt.
"What now?" Jessica asked when the silence had stretched out for too long. Sunny's hands were locked behind Yoona's back. She didn't open her eyes. "What do we do?"
In the end, it was Sooyoung who replied, somehow with a sting of irony to her words: "Now we wait."
Yuri insisted that they needed to keep a positive mind while they waited and assured them time and time again that Seohyun would wake up, that she was stronger than this, that she wasn't going to die. Neither of the girls found the energy to even reply. Yoona saw herself as a fairly optimistic person, barred the last couple of months, but when it came to Seohyun... She simply meant too much to Yoona for her not to be scared of losing her. Yoona didn't want to voice the thought out loud. She didn't want to cry any more.
She thought she was doing well with keeping the tears inside until she heard Sooyoung's rough voice from beside her: "Mr. and Mrs. Seo are here." She looked up to see the couple making their way towards them, smiling in recognition as they saw Sunny, Taeyeon and Sooyoung, yet still looking extremely shaken up. Yoona felt herself start shivering at the sight of them; would they be here together when the news of Seohyun's fate would be delivered?
Seohyun's parents greeted them all, and Mrs. Seo pulled Seohyun's oldest friends into bone-cracking hugs. She looked calm, a lot calmer than Yoona would have thought, while the pain was visible on Mr. Seo's face. His body seemed to tense up the moment he came to a stop in front of them, and he seemed unsure of what to do with himself. Yoona ached at the sight of him. She had wanted to meet Seohyun's parents for a long time, but she'd rather die than have to face them this way.
Sooyoung, Sunny and Taeyeon mumbled out their condolences, and tears that had dried up started flowing again. Tiffany's eyes rarely left the floor. Eventually, Mrs. Seo turned to them and asked: "Which one of you is Yoona?"
Yoona didn't trust her voice as the other girls turned to look at her, so she simply raised her hand. Mrs. Seo nodded. "Would you girls mind giving us a moment?" she said then, looking around. The girls scrambled to their feet, and Yoona considered just getting up and running away with them, but the nervousness kept her frozen in her seat. She heard Taeyeon mutter a choked "can I talk to you for a second?" to Sunny before they disappeared down the corridor, and Mrs. Seo turned to her with a warm but tired smile. She sat down next to her while Mr. Seo took Yuri's place over by the vending machine.
"How are you doing?" Mrs. Seo asked once stillness had settled. Yoona simply shook her head, tears welling up at the question. "I understand."
"You seem... so calm, if you don't mind me saying," Yoona said. A tear slipped down her cheek.
"I refuse to acknowledge the risk that my daughter will never wake up," Mrs. Seo replied. "I don't know how a person goes through that. I have to keep believing that everything is going to be okay." Despite her smile, the tears in her eyes told Yoona the truth. "My daughter... feels so warmly about you," she said then, making Yoona's eyes widen in surprise; had Seohyun told her parents about them? "And I have no choice but to believe that she will get through this with the strength of those who love her... which is why I'm so glad you are here."
Yoona nodded, deciding that it didn't matter if Mrs. Seo knew just how much Yoona loved her daughter. "Of course," she choked out. Mrs. Seo stood up and walked over to her silent husband. Yoona stayed on the bench, feeling like the very short conversation had put her head in a spin; she knew having faith would never save Seohyun. But ultimately, if it could keep all them alive even just for the moment, she would hold onto it with all her soul.
Taeyeon led Sunny back to the main entrance and out the door. The sky was grey, though rain still seemed far away. The wind was still as they sank down on the stone steps, Taeyeon with her arm around Sunny's shoulders.
"I guess I don't need to ask you how you're doing," she said quietly, pulling Sunny in closer. The younger let out a quivering breath against Taeyeon's neck.
She shook her head, and when she replied, her voice was instable. "I know you feel it too."
The world had seemed like a blur to Taeyeon's head when they were in the hospital corridors, and the fresh air and cool temperature made everything seem just a bit more real. Although, in fairness, Taeyeon wasn't sure that a heightened sense of reality was what she really wanted at the moment. The thought of Seohyun dying seemed so ridiculous, like a big joke, because how could any of them live on after that?
Though she tried her hardest to bring her head back to the reason why she had brought Sunny out here, regrets still lingered in her mind and made her wonder if she would ever be able to focus on anything else again. "I know this is possibly the worst moment I could have chosen to do this, but..." she began, and in the madness of it all, she didn't even seem to feel nervous. "There's something I need to tell you." Sunny leaned back out of her embrace, looking at her expectantly. "I've wanted to for a while, and it's getting to the point where not telling you is just plain stupid." Taeyeon didn't feel the need to look away.
"Alright," Sunny said. "I'm listening."
Barely bracing herself, she blurted out, almost too quickly: "I'm gay."
A smile that Taeyeon was sure would have seemed happy on any other day came over Sunny's features. Her hand landed on Taeyeon's, squeezing it softly. "Proud of you, Tae," she said. "I'm glad you told me."
It didn't seem real. Could it really be so simple, coming out to somebody? Taeyeon looked away, feeling her ears warm up at the affectionate words, and at the same time feeling a little ashamed that it took her so long to tell someone who she trusted so much. "I wanted to for the longest time... Well, that's not true, actually. Most of that time I never wanted you to find out."
Sunny hmm'ed. "Did you really think I would react badly?"
"Not really," Taeyeon replied, shaking her head, "but I was so scared... I don't think I could ever describe it." She paused, suddenly overwhelmed by everything that had happened in such a short time. Sunny gave her a funny look. "I was prepared to lie to everyone, including myself, forever."
Nodding, Sunny removed her hand from Taeyeon's. Taeyeon was glad to see the tears in her eyes had dried up. "So what changed?"
Taeyeon smiled, although stiffly, and the thought of Seohyun came burning back again, because she knew that her smile was as joyless as Sunny's had been only moments earlier. "So much. I told Sooyoung... Tiffany pulled it out of me... And everything was fine with them, but I still clung onto the fear as if... as if it meant something. Like it was supposed to be part of my life, like it was part of being gay."
Sunny slung her arm over her shoulders this time. "Well, now you know it isn't."
Taeyeon nodded, words still vibrating on her tongue. "I wanted to tell you, and the others, but I kept putting it off, telling myself that it was because I was too scared. But I always knew nothing would change if I told you," she gave Sunny a pointed look. "Ever since you gave me the number to Line 49."
Sunny's eyes widened for a moment before that unhappy smile half lit up her face again. "Oh... God, I had almost forgotten that..." She stared off into the distance, trying to recall the day it had happened. "It seems like such a long time ago."
"It is," Taeyeon said. "You saved my life by doing that."
Sunny looked at her in surprise. "Really?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said. "Well, it also got my thrown out of the apartment, but..." she finished with a laugh.
Sunny looked horrified. "What?"
"My mother overheard a call and told me to get lost," Taeyeon explained.
"So that's why you've been staying with Tiffany?" Sunny asked, eyes still wide and mouth hanging open slightly.
"Yes."
"Have you talked to her at all since then?"
"Once," Taeyeon replied, keeping the memory of the day she had gone back home at a safe distance. "She firmly believes I chose to be a lesbian and until I choose not to be, we can't be in each other's lives." And for the first time, she said it while fully believing she was not the one at fault.
"Taeyeon... I'm so sorry," Sunny said, sympathy clear on her face. Taeyeon just shook her head. "I wish you would have told me. I would have been there for you a lot more than I have."
Taeyeon put her hand on top of Sunny's, still placed on her shoulder. "We haven't really talked much recently, have we?" she said softly. "With everything that's been going on..."
"Everything that's been going on is a very good reason for us to talk," Sunny said firmly.
Taeyeon nodded slowly. "But with me sneaking around, keeping secrets... I've been distracted. Not a very good friend." And it was true. When was the last time she had been there for Sunny, listened to her troubles? She barely knew what had been going on in the other girl's life since school had started up again.
"Oh, please," Sunny said, knocking Taeyeon's hand away. "It sounds like you've been going through hell."
"It's fine, though," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. Sunny gave her a disbelieving look. "Really, I feel better than I have in years," she tried. "Of course there's still a lot left to work through, but at least I have the will to. And... I think that means more than I ever realized."
Sunny leaned back a little, trying to make herself comfortable despite the sharp stone cutting into her lower back. "I've always felt like you were a little bit closed off from me," she said thoughtfully. "Even when you talked to me about things that were bothering you."
Taeyeon considered it, and the truth was right in front of her face. "Yeah. You're right," she admitted. "It's weird how a secret like that can affect everything else about you. It was like, because I had this secret, I was so scared someone would find out I was gay if I opened up about stuff. Even completely unrelated things. Like it would become obvious the moment I opened my mouth."
"Which, to some, it kind of was," Sunny said, nudging her with her knee.
Said knee received a light slap from a mildly flustered Taeyeon. "I was so shocked the day you gave me that note, though."
"I thought you would be," Sunny said with an amused snicker. "I saw you struggling and I wanted to ask you, but... I could tell how fragile you were." She paused, looking up at Taeyeon. "I didn't want to overwhelm you, but I wanted to let you know that it was completely fine, you know? And if you still didn't feel like you could talk to me, you'd at least have someone to support you."
Taeyeon tried her best to take in the other's words. It was true; she had been so fragile, the smallest thing could send her into a spiral of anxiety. Thinking back, she didn't even fully understand how she had managed to live like that for 18 long years. But all was well, she guessed. She had become so much stronger. "It's a good thing you did," she said. "I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for Stephanie."
Sunny stared at her before slowly sitting up. "Stephanie?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said. "My contact at 49."
"Oh."
Taeyeon leaned back, forgetting the sadness of the moment for just a little while. "God, it feels so good to be truthful after lying for all these years," she breathed. "And talking about it so calmly... it doesn't seem so bad."
Sunny leaned her elbows on her knees, her back against Taeyeon. "I can only imagine."
"And... you know that the reason it took this long for me to tell you isn't that I don't trust you, right?" Taeyeon said, sitting up quickly to look Sunny in the eyes.
"I know, Taeyeon," the younger said, avoiding her eyes. "I know."
Taeyeon wondered for a moment if she had done anything to upset the other girl, but then she remembered where they were and why they were there. She placed a hand on Sunny's arm. "Seohyun's accident..." she mumbled, "it made me wish I had told you both a long time ago. I'll tell her the moment she wakes up." Sunny looked up at her at that, trying on a smile again, and Taeyeon could see how badly she wanted to hope that everything would be okay.
"Taeyeon..." the younger said. "Just out of curiosity, has Tiffany ever told you what her mother's name was?"
Taeyeon frowned, searching her brain. "No, why?"
With a sigh, Sunny stood up. "It was Stephanie." Taeyeon looked back at her in confusion for a few moments before a bottomless hole seemed to open somewhere in her stomach. Sunny looked on as realization dawned in her eyes. "Just something to think about."
Part 2