The strength to produce a thought (3/4)
It turns out that what Hongbin read about Stockholm is true; the scenery is something to be treasured.
The two of them end up in an old part of the city, with narrow alleys, ancient buildings and uneven cobble. They pass countless of stores, only looking in from the outside, not feeling like anything is enough to justify them spending their precious hours of free time on going inside, but they pass it all in complete awe. It's cold, and Hongbin is a little too aware of how red Hyuk's hand looks where it sways by his side, but he doesn't feel brave enough to take it in his.
They walk in an unbroken silence until Hyuk comes to a sudden stop. "Look, hyung," he says, pointing into the nearest shop. "Look."
Hongbin does. And when he notices that the younger is pointing towards an ice cream parlor, he shakes his head. "It's freezing, and you want ice cream?" he says, and laughs as Hyuk nods. "It's winter."
"Ice cream doesn't know it's winter," Hyuk says, stumbling over to where Hongbin is standing with his camera slung around his neck, hooking their arms together as well as he can in their big, thick winter jackets. "Ice cream only knows how to be delicious."
"And cold," Hongbin replies, pointedly pushing his hands further down into his pockets. When he looks up, Hyuk is staring at him through puppy eyes, so he curses softly and prepares for the burn in his wallet.
And as they sit together in the parlor, each with their own bowl of ice cream, thoughts chase and hurry through his mind in every direction, and he refuses to acknowledge them as feelings.
It becomes increasingly hard the happier he gets.
They only make it another few meters once they're back outside, teeth now clattering and goose bumps rising on their skin, until Hyuk spots a store called "Little Sweden"; a tacky, clichéd little souvenir shop, and Hongbin laughs, not even bothering to shake his head.
They head inside, and the place is filled with little ceramic forest trolls, red little wooden horses, elks, Vikings, and trolls, horses and elks with Viking helmets. Hongbin compensates his powerlessness over Hyuk by shaking his head at the Viking elks instead.
"Look at that," Hongbin breathes, nodding towards a shelf full of t-shirts. "That's got to be the one Ken hyung wanted to buy last night, the one Hakyeon hyung told me about."
Hyuk nods in reply, and then his face lights up. "Quick, let's buy one each just to piss Taekwoon hyung off!" he hurries at the speed of light, pulling Hongbin towards the shelf by his arm.
"Wow, Hyuk-ah," the older replies, following along. "I didn't know you had a death wish, but I really don't want to die that way."
Hyuk laughs. "It doesn’t matter. You carried me over the threshold, now you’ll have to do your duty and protect me against Taekwoon hyung."
Hongbin pulls him in the opposite direction, further into the shop, mostly just to see if Hyuk will let go of him or not. He doesn't, so they mumble a quick "hello" to the man behind the counter, and then they go back to studying the wild array of items on the shelves.
A few minutes later, Hyuk taps his shoulder and points somewhere again, followed by a hushed "hyung, look". Hongbin does as he's told, and this time he's a little taken aback, because Hyuk is pointing towards a corner of the store where everything is in the colors of the rainbow. Feather boas, hats, mugs, sheets and towels with the words "his" and "his" on them, or "hers" and "hers", and Hongbin feels irrationally flustered.
"Yeah, Hyuk?" he says, looking away, "you want a feather boa?"
The younger slaps him on the arm. "No, just... I don't know." His eyes are big and glassy as they linger on a particularly large pride flag, still and unmoving in the lack of wind. "It's just nice," he finishes quietly, and Hongbin feels a surge in his stomach, sure that this is another one of those moments he will remember for the rest of his life and longer, sure that the hurt is just around the corner. "I don't think I've ever seen this at home."
Hongbin clears his throat, and suddenly there's a plastic moose in his hand, tied with ribbons in blue and yellow, and he doesn't know how that happened. "Well, it's not such a big deal here, you know. I mean, same-sex marriage has been legal here for years already. More than four."
Hyuk turns to him in surprise. "Someone's done their homework."
Laughing, Hongbin puts the moose back on its shelf, but he doesn't take his eyes off it. "It's not hard to remember which countries in the world where it's legal for two men to get married, they aren't that many."
Hyuk hmms where he stands, turning his eyes back towards the flag. Hongbin feels bad suddenly, in an unstoppable, horrible kind of way, because even if Hongbin has accepted himself, he doesn't know what the struggle has been like in the younger's mind. There's not a lot of support to be found back home, at least not in this scale, and he wishes he could buy the flag for Hyuk- no, better yet, buy them each one, and they could walk down the street waving them through the cold, and maybe no one would bat an eyelash, maybe no one would care, or someone would take a picture of them, as if they were leading their very own pride parade, and when they come back home they will feel... proud.
But the sad truth of it is that if they want to have people cheering for them in that way, it'll always have to be in a language they can't understand, because the people cheering for them can never know who they are, where they come from, and what they do.
"So... if people saw two boys holding hands on the street," Hyuk says, and he tries so hard to make it sound hypothetical, and Hongbin smiles, turned away from him.
"Odds are no one would care."
He waits, staring at the moose and its ribbons and doesn't think, and then Hyuk continues: "And what if they saw two boys kissing on the street?"
Hongbin blinks, doesn't breathe, stutters when he speaks. "I don't know how they feel about public displays of affection here, Hyuk."
"But if they cared, it would be because it's a kiss, not because they were two boys?"
Hongbin swallows. "Probably."
And then Hyuk's hand is in his, pulling him out of the store, and Hongbin breathes a "bye" to the man behind the counter, and he's elated when he notices that the man doesn't furrow his brow or raise his eyebrows at their joined hands.
Hongbin hangs onto Hyuk's hand as he's pulled out into the cold again, the fresh air biting at the exposed skin that Hyuk can't cover. They hurry down lop-sided streets and Hyuk makes turns much too quickly, as if he knows where he's going, as if he's been here before, and Hongbin follows, watches his vapory breath, and the tickling sensation in his stomach feels a tiny bit like freedom, so he tries his best not to hold on to it.
"Where are we going?" he asks, and that's when Hyuk stops, because they've reached and alley without anyone around. He pushes Hongbin back against a yellow brick wall, his hands placed firmly on Hongbin's shoulders. He looks determined in a way that makes Hongbin weak in the knees, and without his permission his mind decides that fuck it, he's wanted this for too many minutes rolled into days rolled into months, and it isn't getting better. "You do know how risky this is, right?" he says, but doesn't turn away.
"You just told me no one would care, hyung," Hyuk says, his voice shrinking into a whisper, and comes closer, leans in, and it feels too good even though their coats are too thick and in the way.
"Maybe not about that," Hongbin agrees, "but we're having a concert here tonight. At least one thousand of our fans are probably already in the city."
The younger looks surprised at the sense in his words, and he looks both ways up and down the street, thoughts almost leaking out of his eyes with the intensity of his gaze. Then he looks at Hongbin, and Hongbin sees his own fuck it reflected in Hyuk's eyes right before the younger's hands reach for the hood of his jacket, pulling it up slowly over Hongbin's head.
"Very, very risky," Hongbin repeats as Hyuk pulls up his own hood.
Something in Hyuk's eyes looks suspiciously like I know, and then his hands are back on Hongbin's shoulders and Hongbin feels like he will collapse with the butterflies in his stomach, not giddy and nervous but panicking and whirling around with the force of Hyuk's amplified fireworks, and then Hyuk kisses him.
He doesn't put his hands inside Hyuk's jacket even though he wants to, because he knows how cold they must be, but when Hyuk's hands slide up towards his neck and rests his freezing hands on Hongbin's warm skin, the latter jumps, but finds he doesn't care, because this is Hyuk, this is the only person he's ever-, the only person he might ever fall in love with, the only person who stirs anything natural in him, anything beautiful, and he thinks maybe they can stay here forever, because he knows no matter what he does, his heart will.
Hyuk presses against him so tightly and his lips are dry, cold, chapped, and Hongbin wishes those things would be enough to scare him away, that he was so shallow that every little flaw in their bond meant the end, but it doesn't, because Hyuk isn't perfect by any means, and neither is Hongbin, but the crevices in their lips fit perfectly together, and there's a bump in Hyuk's lower lip that can't be felt with your fingers, only your tongue, and Hongbin hopes he's the only one who knows.
And that means something. Because it's a feeling, an unaltered feeling, that's pure and real and true and straight from Hongbin's heart, and it's overwhelming, because he doesn't know exactly what to do with it.
Luckily, Hyuk does.
They find their way out of the old town, and soon enough they end up by the ocean. The area is filled with people, but it doesn't disturb the peace; instead it makes the docks feel more natural, more beautiful.
Hyuk balances on the edge, decorated with bricks and cobble. Hongbin stays a few meters away, with his camera covering his face, taking picture after picture of Hyuk as he almost falls into the water.
It's odd, he thinks, as he absent-mindedly presses the button time and time again, how your identity so often depends on someone else. In some instances, you're someone's sister, someone's son, someone's friend, the person who saw something, a witness, a victim, a champion, an ex - a member. He doesn't mind being a member of VIXX, he doesn't mind identifying himself this way, because it means everything to him. But he wonders if it's possible for him to just be Hongbin at the same time, if he can be his proud parents' son, if he can be a beloved friend, hyung and dongsaeng, at the same time as he's simply Hongbin, and what else he can be in other people's eyes. A celebrity? A faggot? Han Sanghyuk's boyfriend?
He voices this thought out loud to Hyuk - minus the boyfriend part - and the other gives a thoughtful laugh. "Too many thoughts," he mumbles, and Hongbin wonders what he means. "Who you are doesn't depend on other people. You're all of this, all at once, all the time, hyung."
Hongbin doesn't say anything else, but he wonders if that can be true, being so many things at once. No wonder they live in such a stressed out world, such a prejudiced world, when you have to live up to so many roles at once. He directs his camera out towards the water, and he knows their time is running out. They should head back to the hotel in twenty minutes at the most, and he prays for them to be slow, for the time zones to work in mysterious ways and allow them more time together.
He pleads, he begs, as he turns the camera lens back at Hyuk, for one last happy memory before the hurt comes. Just one, because soon there'll be a shortage of happiness, and he knows that.
"I've liked you from the very beginning," Hyuk says, stepping off the stones after he came particularly close to falling over the edge. "Since the very first time we met."
Hongbin walks around him, camera over his face. The sun beams down on Hyuk's face from this angle, though it doesn't bring much warmth. His hands are stiff and numb, but he manages to take the picture alright. Please, just one more happy memory. Just one. "Don't lie. You barely spoke to me for months in the beginning."
Hyuk shows him a slightly offended smile. Hongbin captures it. "I was sixteen! And you were the most beautiful guy I'd ever seen. Of course I couldn't speak to you." Hongbin snickers behind the camera and clicks it again as Hyuk looks mildly outraged. "If you could see you, you wouldn't laugh at me," the younger huffs.
One last memory.
"Besides, I thought you hated me."
The wind is still, which is a relief, because Hongbin doesn't even want to think about how cold it would be otherwise. "I'll admit, you weren't my favorite person from the start," he grins. "But only because I didn't know you."
The younger forgets about being flustered and goes back to being lovingly mocking again. "Am I your favorite person now?"
Hongbin can only grin wider. The happiness floods and he holds onto it tightly. "Careful," he mocks. He snaps another photo of Hyuk's pout and complimentary puppy eyes. "I do tend to like people who kiss me as well as you do."
Hyuk's lips purse into a happy grimace. "Mental note to do that more often," he says, turns away and starts walking along the water. Hongbin takes picture after picture of his retreating back. "Tell me something, hyung," Hyuk turns and calls over his shoulder. The sun falls on him perfectly and Hongbin feels like an artist.
"Tell you what?" he calls back, not caring that people stare at them for their raised voices.
"Anything," Hyuk replies, stops, and turns towards him. Hongbin lowers his camera and walks up to him, knowing that he's setting them both up for heartbreak if he says anything now, anything at all, but as this is their last moment of happiness, he wants Hyuk to have it all.
And there's a lot of things he could say. "I love you"? (Not that he'd ever.) "I like you a lot"? "I have feelings for you"? But as he searches for words, he realizes that if he's to tell someone he loves them (God forbid), it's not about communicating the name of the feeling, because every living creature in the world might have different definitions of the word 'love'. No, it's about communicating the real feeling, the true meaning behind the word, and he tries to unmask himself, unmask his words, no matter how difficult it is.
"Being around you... makes me nervous and calms me down at the same time," he says slowly as he walks up to the place where Hyuk is standing, still a couple of meters ahead. "Hearing you speak makes me feel like I never want to question anything that comes out of your mouth. And kissing you..." He stops himself with a laugh that he refuses to believe is embarrassed. It's not enough. But it's another happy memory.
"I wish we were alone right now," Hyuk whines, and Hongbin looks around, imagining the area completely empty of people except for just the two of them, and though he's so cold he feels like he might need to amputate both his hands later, he would definitely want to stay here.
"Me too."
"Later... tonight," Hyuk continues, "I'll kiss you more, so I'll be your favorite person again."
Hongbin lets his camera slump around his neck again, and he reaches out, taking the collar of Hyuk's jacket in his hands. To anyone that might see them, it would probably just look like he was straightening out the other man's collar, but truth to be told, in those few seconds he doesn't care what it looks like. He doesn't care, because he will care for the rest of his life. "You always are, Hyuk-ah," he says. "Always."
The smile he gets in return fills him with pride, and for the next few moments, everything is okay.
4/4