The strength to produce a thought (2/4)
They wake up at six in the morning the following day. Based on the heavy feeling in his head and the equally heavy look in Hyuk's eyes from beside him on the bed, his first thought is that they must have been drugged. Then he checks his phone, and realizes they've slept for fourteen hours.
"Get out," Hyuk croaks when he tells him. Hongbin laughs, shaking his head and showing him the phone to check for himself.
"Enjoy it," he smiles, "because that's probably the first and last time we'll experience this while working." He stretches, yawns and feels every muscle of his body gradually wake up. He loves it. "I'm a bit scared for my health, really. I mean, I understand you sleeping so much when you stayed awake all flight, but I slept a lot."
Hyuk launches himself at Hongbin where he's sitting, and wraps his arm around his stomach. "Let's not leave," he grumbles. "Let's just lie here all day until we have to go to the concert."
"No can do," Hongbin says, sighing as he pries the other boy's arms off him. "We have an MV to shoot. And I want to get some sight-seeing done today. We're leaving tomorrow morning, you know."
Hyuk falls onto his back, whining out a grumble that sounds like a half-scream. "Okay, you go. I'll stay."
Hongbin pulls him out of bed by his feet.
After two showers in which both of them had to fight to stay awake, they skip down into the cafeteria for breakfast. They are the first to arrive, after the place didn't open until seven am. They hold hands as they enter, mostly because Hongbin wants to prevent the younger from running upstairs and going back to bed (or so he tells himself). They spend a good ten minutes on just aimlessly walking around and looking down on various dishes they've never seen before.
"Do you think anyone will actually show up tonight?" Hyuk asks once they are seated.
Hongbin gives him a suspicious look and can immediately tell the other is anxious. He shrugs, struggling to swallow his spoonful of cereal as quickly as possible. "They said it sold out in less than ten minutes, Hyuk-ah. I'd say so."
"So you're not worried?"
The table they chose is placed right by a window, and the sun is just starting to come up outside. "No, I'm not," Hongbin replies, staring out into the empty park outside. He can't wait until the run rises just a little more and he can finally get out there.
"But Hakyeon hyung was-"
"Hakyeon hyung is paranoid," Hongbin says, cutting him off with a sly smile. "You shouldn't listen to him when he rambles off like that. Was it him or me that carried you over the threshold last night?" Hyuk stares at him from across the table with a questioning look on his face, slowly chewing on his bagel. "I mean, who was the one who carried you to show you he'd protect you in the future?" he clarifies.
"You," Hyuk says with a nod, staring thoughtfully out the window. "Which is exactly why I don't trust you."
Hongbin aims a loose kick towards Hyuk's shin, resulting in the table jumping when the younger's knee makes contact with it. He groans, reaching down towards his injured spot, all the while laughing, a little too amused for Hongbin's taste. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, laughing too, but not really sure why.
"I'm just saying," Hyuk begins, straightening up as he speaks. "People who want to protect someone they love usually take it too far. Do things to protect them that actually end up hurting them."
Hongbin stares down into his bowl at the word "love," but does his best to keep a straight face. "Is that what you were planning to do for me if I had let you carry me instead?" he asks in a rushed voice before pushing a big spoonful of cereal into his mouth.
Hyuk stares at him with a smile that's so unsettling that Hongbin can't bring himself to look back at him. "That's what I'm planning to do anyway."
He tries to shake it off, to pretend like nothing happened, but Hongbin feels warm as he gives Hyuk a curious look beneath a raised eyebrow.
Hakyeon enters the cafeteria at around eight, and at this point it is almost filled with people. Hongbin doesn't see him at once, not until he's standing right by Hongbin's side with one hand on his shoulder. "Hongbin-ah, a moment, please," he says, as usual not waiting for a reply but almost physically dragging Hongbin up off his chair. He drops his spoon with a loud clank and almost gets his cereal stuck in his throat, but he does as he's told, and gives Hyuk a desperate look as he leaves. The younger only gives him a playful smile in return.
Hakyeon doesn't drag him far, only to one of the tables with food on the other end of the room. "Find anything to eat?" he asks then, and Hongbin frowns. Beating around the bush is not their leader's style.
"Sure," he replies. "I mean, I found loads of uneatable weirdness, too, but luckily cereal is a universal language."
"Mm, I see," Hakyeon says absent-mindedly, and Hongbin is sure he didn't really listen to his reply. They move along the table as Hakyeon helps himself to several types of food. "So, what happened to you guys last night?" he asks then, and Hongbin nods inwardly.
"We fell asleep pretty much the instant we went to our room," he says, wanting to make it sound as innocent as possible, but feeling like his poker face is far out of his reach. "Hyuk was pretty tired since he stayed awake the entire flight, and I think it rubbed off on me."
Hakyeon pauses in his actions, giving Hongbin a questioning look. "What are you talking about? Hyuk slept for pretty much as long as you did."
Hongbin tries not to look too surprised, because what would the big deal be if it wasn't that this means Hyuk felt safe while holding his hand, safe enough to sleep while so high up in the air, yes, what is the big deal? "Did he?" Hongbin asks, trying to sound unaffected. "Well, still. We were tired."
Hakyeon nods, then shakes his head and goes back to collecting food from the buffet. "Understandable."
"How was it?" Hongbin asks, purely to distract.
Hakyeon seems to consider the question. "Well, it was good until Jaehwan went into obvious-tourist-mode," he says, smiling a little at the memory. "He wanted to buy tacky souvenirs, you know, like those shirts that say 'I love Stockholm' and Vikingy helmets and stuff. Then Taekwoon tried to drown him in a fountain."
He doesn't know why he's surprised, but Hongbin almost chokes at that. "I'm sad to have missed that," he says, laughing.
"Yes, we went home after that," Hakyeon continues, giving him an amused look. "Anyway, that brings us to the thing. The thing is that since you guys missed last night, the staff have all agreed to let you guys to your solo shots last today, barred the group shots of course. That should give you a couple of hours to check out the city, if you want."
Hongbin nods gratefully. "Thanks, hyung."
"No problem. Have fun. But don't go too far, and if you get lost, there will be murder later on."
Nodding again, Hongbin steps away to head back to his and Hyuk's table. "Of course."
As he turns around, Hakyeon speaks up again. "Another thing."
Hongbin feels the nervousness leaking into his stomach. "Yes?"
Hakyeon puts his plate down and looks Hongbin straight in the eye. "Before we went to bed last night, Wonshik asked me what's up with you and Hyuk."
Forcing himself to keep calm, Hongbin tilts his head to look uncomprehending. "What do you mean 'up' with me and Hyuk?" he asks, feigning ignorance. "We were just tired, nothing was up with us."
Hakyeon stares him down. "He meant up between you and Hyuk."
"What?" Hongbin says, a little too quickly because he was prepared for the question to come, but so unprepared to address it, much too unprepared for a person that has spent so much time thinking about it. "Hyung, what? I- what?" he stutters, and he thinks his complete speechlessness comes off as highly convincing. "There's nothing up between us, I don't-"
"And that makes him the last person to figure it out," Hakyeon finishes.
Hongbin's mouth falls open. "What, you all know?!" he says before he can stop himself, and then- god damn it, he sighs, rolling his eyes -- Cha Hakyeon, that manipulative bastard. The manipulative bastard in question nods, trying not to seem too smug at his victory, but his eyes have an evil gleam. "So you guys have talked about this?" Hongbin asks, feeling too shocked to try to take his words back.
"Sometimes," Hakyeon agrees.
"Oh my God," Hongbin wheezes, suddenly too aware that Hyuk could be watching them from their table, and he freezes up, not sure what to do or how to act. "What do you all say?" he asks, somewhat desperately, because this is a thousand times weirder than he expected this morning to be. His mind races, and he has time to register that all the members know, yet they haven't shown a single sign that they do. Because they don't like it? Because they don't want to acknowledge it? Because they think it's his and Hyuk's business alone? They haven't made any attempts to separate them as far as Hongbin can remember, but neither have they shown any signs of wanting them to hook up...
"Taekwoon doesn't like it," Hakyeon says honestly. Hongbin fights for a breath. "And Wonshik says it feels a little weird to see you two together." Hongbin feels helpless, like he has to fight to stay on his feet, because Taekwoon knows about him and Hyuk and dear lord that was not supposed to have happened yet for a long, long time, if ever. "Me and Jaehwan, however, agree that it feels weird to see you apart."
Hongbin feels like he has to strain himself to hear Hakyeon's last sentence, but it's a relief to his heart when he manages to process it. "...You think?" he says when he finds his tongue again.
"I do," the older replies, and pauses as they scoot over to give room to a Swedish couple there for breakfast. "Look... I wanna get this all out now while no one can understand a word we're saying. I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now, Hongbin. And honestly, it hurts me a little to think that you've probably been scared of our reactions for a long time. Am I right?"
Hongbin only nods in reply. He feels completely misplaced, talking about a thing like this in such an open place with so many people around. But none of the people around them look even remotely Asian, so he assumes he has no reason to freak out.
"I wouldn't lie to you about a thing like this," Hakyeon continues, still looking Hongbin straight in the eyes. "Actually, I wouldn't lie to you at all. But especially not about this. We're all okay with it, alright? Even Taekwoon, even though he doesn't like it, he accepts it." Hongbin nods again, still in a daze, wanting to run back to his table, back to Hyuk. "He may not understand same-sex love, but he understands your need to be happy. So don't be scared anymore, okay?"
He should be happy. He should celebrate because this is one of the best things that could possibly happen to him, for him and Hyuk, but somehow he feels like he should have more things to say, some way to... defend himself, and against what? He doesn't know, but it terrifies him even more. "We're not a couple, though," he mumbles, staring down at his shoes, because those words are the closest he's ever come to admitting to any kind of feelings for Hyuk.
To his surprise, Hakyeon nods at that. "I know."
"How?"
Hakyeon lifts his full plate from the table as another group of people arrives. "A few weeks ago, Hyuk asked me how I would like to be confessed to." Hongbin widens his eyes in surprise. "It's... safe to say it kind of confused me." The older laughs, shaking his head. "I was so sure you guys were already a couple, and then..."
"We haven't talked about it," Hongbin says, though his mouth is uncomfortably dry. "Not once. We both know, though, but we haven't talked about it. And we haven't... you know. Done anything." He stops himself a second too late, when he's already said it and realized how Hakyeon might interpret his words. "I mean, we haven't even kissed or anything yet."
He catches himself at his 'yet', and he looks away from Hakyeon's curious eyes. The images that fill his mind are too much, because he wants it, wants it more than he could ever express. So he stands there, in the middle of a cafeteria in a hotel in Sweden, right in a crowd of tired people having breakfast, and he's wondering what his first kiss with Hyuk will be like. When it will be. If it'll be. He skips thinking about what will happen afterwards.
"Why not?" Hakyeon asks, and it's one of Hongbin's most dreaded questions. "If you both know you like each other, why haven't either of you confessed yet?"
"Hyung," Hongbin says, switching his weight between his feet impatiently. "It's complicated." They retreat back towards the entrance, at a careful distance from Hyuk's table. Hongbin dares to give the younger a look, and notices that he's watching them attentively with a worried, questioning look on his face. He tries on a smile.
"What's complicated?" Hakyeon asks, taking a bite out of a piece of bread that looks suspiciously green.
Hongbin leans against the wall for support. He can't help but lower his voice as he continues. "Don't you realize what it could do to the group? How much we could ruin if anyone found out?" Hakyeon keeps silent for a while, chewing on his bread and looking at Hongbin through emotionless eyes. "I mean... it seems to me that you of all people shouldn't be encouraging this, being the leader and all."
Hakyeon swallows everything in his mouth at once, and he winces as it presses down his throat. "Ah, but you forget, Hongbin," he says once he's recovered. "I've considered all of that. Of course I have. I had a slight freak-out when I first found out about you two..."
"Of course," Hongbin says, wants to laugh, but fails.
"But the group is one thing. It isn't just made up of you and Hyuk, it's made up of all of us. And keeping secrets that might need to be kept... becomes a job for all of us. I don't think you could ruin the group, to be honest." He pauses, and Hongbin can see he's being honest. "But Hyuk is a person, Hongbin," he continues, and all of a sudden Hongbin feels scared again. "And he has feelings for you. You could do a lot more damage there if you're not careful."
He nods stiffly. "I know."
"Good," Hakyeon says. "Just don't forget that, okay?"
Hongbin nods again, because there's no way he would forget that Hyuk is a person -- especially since as far as people go Hyuk is probably the best one he knows. He decides the conversation is over there, and he finally heads back to their table, feeling like a new person altogether, and the thoughts overwhelm him on the way. It seems to him now that if Hyuk is going to confess, like it seems, then there is no way they're both going to make it out of this alive.
And it hurts, because Hongbin can't think of anything that would make him happier than finally being with Hyuk, finally getting to show his affection, and though he knows now that he won't have to worry about the members' reactions, his mind still screams 'too much! Too much!' in a high pitched ringing tone that makes cold sweat break out on his skin. If one of them is going to get hurt, he'd rather have it be himself, but how would that work? He knows he needs to say something before Hyuk has a chance to put himself out there and confess, because having to shoot him down would be too awful for his mind to bear.
"What's up?" Hyuk asks as he sinks down opposite him again.
"Only good things," Hongbin lies back through clenched teeth formed into a smile.
Hyuk is the type of person who throws things and trashes rooms without a second thought when he gets angry. He wouldn't hurt another human being unless it's in self-defense, but he won't hold back when it comes to trashing his own belongings. And he's the one who will cry at the movies without feeling ashamed, the one who laughs if something is funny -- God only knows his manners have gotten him into trouble more times than he can count.
And in his mind, nothing feels better than letting everything he feels out, screaming at the highest rollercoaster drop, singing loudly when music fills his body, sobbing desperately when he's out of options, or wrapping his arms around Hongbin when other is all smiles, all dimples, all loveable happiness, or not enough. He rarely stops to think, and it doesn't bother him. Trying to contain it all inside is nothing but a road to badness, and no thought, no matter how powerful, can hold back something as natural as a feeling.
He doesn't understand, always, where his feelings come from. Why he gets so angry sometimes, so sad or so jealous, and he's still not very clear on why his older bandmate makes his heart pound and race like amplified fireworks, but it doesn't matter. Nothing he thinks about or tries to do can stop the feeling from coming, and he doesn't want to try.
And he's painfully aware of Hongbin's leash on himself, more so than the older man himself is, to be truthful. He knows how Hongbin is trying to water himself down, tries to hold back, but Hyuk isn't sure how much longer he can wait. He wants to be pulled into the dance, wants to get swept away, wants to love as freely and fearlessly as he imagines, because in contrast to Hongbin he isn't kidding himself; he is in love, undeniably, euphorically in love, and whatever word he uses to name it in his mind, it doesn't matter. Love? Feelings? Liking? It won't change what he feels.
And he knows, too, that if Hongbin could just let go, stop shutting himself off, stop thinking, he could get pulled along, too. He has no fear. Their connection is real, and though Hyuk wants the older man so much it makes him quiver, it reaches far beyond the physical, because they have a way of soothing each other's minds, of making everything fall into place, of putting each other at ease enough to feel natural in an otherwise unnatural world.
It's undeniable, and it will happen. He just hopes that when it does, Hongbin won't run, because Hyuk isn't sure he has what it takes to make him stay. Not when all he has to offer is passionate, scurrying emotions, and Hongbin needs something that makes sense.
3/4