A trip of self-awareness. (Warning: SWORD RAMBLING. May induce drowziness or TMI)
A lot has happened in six years. Maybe it's time, while my mind is active, to sort out what exactly is "me". This is going to get stream of consciousness, so grab a sandwich. I'll wait.
Let's get the facts out of the way: I'm male, I'm in my late 20s, I'm engaged and have a daughter who will be five years old in about one month's time. I live in Texas, and my financial and job situations are not good. I'm a goon who currently has a Let's Play going on at the SA forums.
That was easy. Now for the hard part: what makes me "me", and not "a person".
I have an addictive personality that latches onto fandoms way too hard; current big time fandoms are My Little Pony: FiM (the only show powerful enough to SERIOUSLY CRIPPLE 4CHAN and THREATEN SOMETHING AWFUL AT THE SAME TIME, that's something to be respected) and Pokémon (but then again when ISN'T that one of my big fandoms). In the past, I've also focused my attention on the works of Kinoko Nasu, Revolutionary Girl Utena, the Ivalice Alliance, and the Touhou series, to name a few.
Video games mean a lot to me; more than being 'my childhood' or 'my hobby', they are my medium of choice. If given the choice between seeing a movie, reading a book, or playing a video game, I will traditionally choose the latter. Does that make me childish? Perhaps. Does it make me uneducated? No. I do enjoy the brain-off twitchgaming, but I am also fond of RPGs with compelling narratives, games where one can tweak every last facet of a character for maximum munchkinizing, and even occasionally adventure/puzzle games where the true challenge is trying to figure out how someone else wanted you to solve something.
I'm a Fandom RPer. As in, I'm one of those weird people that makes sockpuppet accounts on LJ (and other similar journal sites like InsaneJournal) and pretends that they're really some licensed character or another. It's gotten me into a bit of trouble in the past, and almost ruined some friendships - mostly because I can't always keep my personal mindset out of my gaming. I try to avoid the wank and drama of Fandom RP, though,
Am I a furry? Pff, I don't fucking know any more. I won't argue the fact though; I went through a period of time where I considered myself part of "the fandom", so it's disturbing taint is forever on me. In addition, a lot of my friends consider themselves furries and I am perfectly okay with that. It's not the individuals that make 'furry' bad, it's the fandom. Fandom ruins EVERYTHING, as it's a giant stage where the most obnoxious and vocal folk who enjoy what you do decide to make themselves heard, when really, most people would be happy being ignored by those who don't agree with us.
Am I a weeaboo? I used to be all about the animes. Now, I'll watch them now and then - cartoons, Japanese or otherwise, are still my preferred venue when I'm absolutely forced to watch TV or a movie - but it's not like they're some vast cultural movement that will change everything. They're just cartoons. They aren't even more risque than American stuff, Japan just got the borderline fanservicey stuff out of the gate a few decades sooner due to different societal norms.
In addition, I tend to like a bunch of Japanese things that America simply doesn't have a decent analogue to - Vocaloid is a prime example of that. Japan has managed to make a program for anybody (who pays the software price) to produce computer-generated vocals for music. It doesn't even need Autotune, especially if you use it well. Companies have tried to do the same thing in English, but English is such a clunky language that nobody can make a decent singing voice since English song is all about nuance, something you can't program into a computer. Likewise, the Shinto religion fascinates me. I can't say for certain that it is the right religion for me - I'm still a fencesitter on what I believe is "true", aside from the presence of a higher being or beings (read: I'm no atheist) - but the rituals, the myths, and the beliefs are all quite compelling to me. Does liking things that come from Japan make me obsessed with the country? To some, I suppose it would.
I think a lot of the problem is cultural backlash; while Japan forces its people through a fine-grain strainer to make sure that everyone is the absolute best of the best at being a soulless cog of society, that means that the creativity comes out in private ventures - hobbies and pasttimes - which in turn means that a lot of Japan's most interesting contributions within the past few decades have, in my opinion, been released onto the internet in some form. Compare America, where people are encouraged to speak their minds, have their own personalities and opinions. In turn, this makes even identical hobbies and pasttimes as what Japan has seem less... vibrant, regardless of how much creativity it holds within it. When everything has color, you pay less attention to it... for a good example, take note of how Steven Spielberg used color in Schindler's List. While the spirit in a lot of American works is every bit as vibrant as in Japanese works, it's hard to tell when everyone is being so... individual. It doesn't help that, aside from people, a large portion of America seems to be focused on being as homogenized as possible. I won't go into detail about that, though; it's a rant for another time and I've already digressed enough from the subject at hand: myself.
I'm a gigantic, overbearing misanthrope. Interestingly, I don't hate people. I hate humanity. The reason I can talk to people on the internet is because I don't have to envision them as humans, I can envision them as people. Ignore the disgusting fleshy shell and see the soul beneath, so to speak. This is in direct conflict with my knack for being empathic; when somebody hurts, I hurt for them, which simply gets me more upset at humanity. That empathy also means that, when you get under the rough skin, I'm apparently fairly friendly, which in turn means I've apparently got wonderful customer service skills. Customer service jobs place you in front of the absolute worst that humanity has to offer: the frustrated, the impatient, and the just plain spoiled. It's not a good place for a misanthrope to be.
Tying into my misanthropy is anger management issues. They're related to some sort of bipolar disorder, as my temper flare-ups usually come and go in cycles. Unusually for bipolar, my temper flares more when I'm depressed than when I'm manic. Being on a mood stabilizer (such as Prozac) helps me with that, but I suppose it's not a good thing to say that I have been without my medication for over six months.
I am not a heavy abuse case. Any and all of the abuse I remember is emotional, both from my father (who treated me like crap and completely scorned my sister) and from my mother's entire family (who are, essentially the most passive-aggressive people you will ever meet). Nobody significantly older than me beat me, nobody sexually abused me. I am afraid, though, given my temper flare-ups and statements from my mother that my father had similar issues (I don't remember much of him, to be honest) that I will be a terrible parent. I have to fight with this fear every day, and it is especially strong lately now that my daughter is in a particularly disobedient/naughty phase.
Another factor into my misanthropy is that my temper flare-ups, combined with a complete incapability to effectively fight, turned me into a textbook case of bullying throughout all three tiers of school. I was, effectively, an easy mark. I still am. I distinctly recall more than one occasion where I was pummeled by a classmate, and I was the one who got in trouble with the faculty for "instigating fights", even in situations where multiple witnesses had seen that I had done nothing wrong and in fact never made the first move. Even when I did strike first, such events were so retardedly one-sided that I certainly was never seen as a loose cannon that could blow at any moment, but as a delightful diversion who would flail like a muppet if you upset him enough.
A question that came up a lot when I first started dating her -- is my fianceé using me? I honestly can't tell. If she is, she is doing a terrible job at it, as most of her 'manipulation' relies on convincing me to go with impulses, which in turn are very bad ideas, not just for my sake, but for her and our daughter as well. I will admit, DeAnna is incredibly irresponsible with money, and refuses to see logic when I talk to her about it. It's entirely possible that to her, I'm just a gigantic, overhorny buzzkill. Sadly, love doesn't always follow logic, and I love her despite the fact that, if I ever become completely financially ruined, I will have her at least in part to blame for it.
I'm not certain of it, but I think I have a crippling fear - something borderlining on phobia - of failure. I can think of no other reason that I am so stressed in even low-expectation jobs, nor any other reason as to why I'm so goddamned afraid to fill out applications and actually look for work. Yeah, I come up with excuses, but ultimately, it's me trying to hide as long as I can, just to avoid being told 'no'. In addition, I apologize for just about everything... there's this voice in the back of my head that tells me if something is wrong, it is because I haven't apologized enough. I wish I could shut that voice up.
I think I also have a phobia of driving a car. Even sitting in the driver's seat of a parked car fills me with a gut-wrenching uneasiness, a feeling like I just don't belong there. I had recurring nightmares well into my teens of getting behind the wheel of a parked car and it somehow starting up on its own and careening uncontrollably to lord knows where. If it wasn't obvious, I don't have a driver's license, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get one. This is a constant source of frustration, considering how many jobs require a driver's license -- hell, I was refused for a MAINTENANCE position because they wanted a DRIVER'S LICENSE in order to TEACH ME HOW TO OPERATE A ZAMBONI. Ugh.
I am male, through and through - I've never felt like I've been trapped in the "wrong gender" like some people, though at times there are traits I take on that make me wonder if I would have been better off as a girl. I'm not swishy, I'm not flaming, but my tastes and opinions DO seem to end up rather... girly on a regular basis. I mean, hell. I said many paragraphs ago that I fandom RP. That's a niche that's about 95% populated with the fangirls on the internet. Most of them like yaoi.
I do not like yaoi. Even when I'm roleplaying online as a female, I am entirely heterosexual. I feel that relationships consisting of one lady and one guy are the most 'correct'. Futanari/pre-op transgenders/shemales confuse and arouse me, full on hermaphrodites just unsettle me. Despite being heterosexual in mindset, I'm most certainly bisexual in preference, albeit with a heavy female bias. I have gone down on another guy before, and rather enjoyed it, but I don't think I could do the whole sodomy thing. Part of the reason I can get into giving that sort of thing to a guy is because I can mentally 'shift gears' like that and think like a woman. I don't think, were I somehow trapped in a woman's body, I would mind all that much... if I could get past the normal male instinct of spending all the time constantly fondling myself.
God damn. It's 6:37 in the morning and I have just spent the past forty-five minutes rambling about fandom, my fucked up childhood, and sucking dick. I don't know if this helped me, but at least I feel like I said it, so it's not all bottled inside.
I think I need sleep, bad.
Let's get the facts out of the way: I'm male, I'm in my late 20s, I'm engaged and have a daughter who will be five years old in about one month's time. I live in Texas, and my financial and job situations are not good. I'm a goon who currently has a Let's Play going on at the SA forums.
That was easy. Now for the hard part: what makes me "me", and not "a person".
I have an addictive personality that latches onto fandoms way too hard; current big time fandoms are My Little Pony: FiM (the only show powerful enough to SERIOUSLY CRIPPLE 4CHAN and THREATEN SOMETHING AWFUL AT THE SAME TIME, that's something to be respected) and Pokémon (but then again when ISN'T that one of my big fandoms). In the past, I've also focused my attention on the works of Kinoko Nasu, Revolutionary Girl Utena, the Ivalice Alliance, and the Touhou series, to name a few.
Video games mean a lot to me; more than being 'my childhood' or 'my hobby', they are my medium of choice. If given the choice between seeing a movie, reading a book, or playing a video game, I will traditionally choose the latter. Does that make me childish? Perhaps. Does it make me uneducated? No. I do enjoy the brain-off twitchgaming, but I am also fond of RPGs with compelling narratives, games where one can tweak every last facet of a character for maximum munchkinizing, and even occasionally adventure/puzzle games where the true challenge is trying to figure out how someone else wanted you to solve something.
I'm a Fandom RPer. As in, I'm one of those weird people that makes sockpuppet accounts on LJ (and other similar journal sites like InsaneJournal) and pretends that they're really some licensed character or another. It's gotten me into a bit of trouble in the past, and almost ruined some friendships - mostly because I can't always keep my personal mindset out of my gaming. I try to avoid the wank and drama of Fandom RP, though,
Am I a furry? Pff, I don't fucking know any more. I won't argue the fact though; I went through a period of time where I considered myself part of "the fandom", so it's disturbing taint is forever on me. In addition, a lot of my friends consider themselves furries and I am perfectly okay with that. It's not the individuals that make 'furry' bad, it's the fandom. Fandom ruins EVERYTHING, as it's a giant stage where the most obnoxious and vocal folk who enjoy what you do decide to make themselves heard, when really, most people would be happy being ignored by those who don't agree with us.
Am I a weeaboo? I used to be all about the animes. Now, I'll watch them now and then - cartoons, Japanese or otherwise, are still my preferred venue when I'm absolutely forced to watch TV or a movie - but it's not like they're some vast cultural movement that will change everything. They're just cartoons. They aren't even more risque than American stuff, Japan just got the borderline fanservicey stuff out of the gate a few decades sooner due to different societal norms.
In addition, I tend to like a bunch of Japanese things that America simply doesn't have a decent analogue to - Vocaloid is a prime example of that. Japan has managed to make a program for anybody (who pays the software price) to produce computer-generated vocals for music. It doesn't even need Autotune, especially if you use it well. Companies have tried to do the same thing in English, but English is such a clunky language that nobody can make a decent singing voice since English song is all about nuance, something you can't program into a computer. Likewise, the Shinto religion fascinates me. I can't say for certain that it is the right religion for me - I'm still a fencesitter on what I believe is "true", aside from the presence of a higher being or beings (read: I'm no atheist) - but the rituals, the myths, and the beliefs are all quite compelling to me. Does liking things that come from Japan make me obsessed with the country? To some, I suppose it would.
I think a lot of the problem is cultural backlash; while Japan forces its people through a fine-grain strainer to make sure that everyone is the absolute best of the best at being a soulless cog of society, that means that the creativity comes out in private ventures - hobbies and pasttimes - which in turn means that a lot of Japan's most interesting contributions within the past few decades have, in my opinion, been released onto the internet in some form. Compare America, where people are encouraged to speak their minds, have their own personalities and opinions. In turn, this makes even identical hobbies and pasttimes as what Japan has seem less... vibrant, regardless of how much creativity it holds within it. When everything has color, you pay less attention to it... for a good example, take note of how Steven Spielberg used color in Schindler's List. While the spirit in a lot of American works is every bit as vibrant as in Japanese works, it's hard to tell when everyone is being so... individual. It doesn't help that, aside from people, a large portion of America seems to be focused on being as homogenized as possible. I won't go into detail about that, though; it's a rant for another time and I've already digressed enough from the subject at hand: myself.
I'm a gigantic, overbearing misanthrope. Interestingly, I don't hate people. I hate humanity. The reason I can talk to people on the internet is because I don't have to envision them as humans, I can envision them as people. Ignore the disgusting fleshy shell and see the soul beneath, so to speak. This is in direct conflict with my knack for being empathic; when somebody hurts, I hurt for them, which simply gets me more upset at humanity. That empathy also means that, when you get under the rough skin, I'm apparently fairly friendly, which in turn means I've apparently got wonderful customer service skills. Customer service jobs place you in front of the absolute worst that humanity has to offer: the frustrated, the impatient, and the just plain spoiled. It's not a good place for a misanthrope to be.
Tying into my misanthropy is anger management issues. They're related to some sort of bipolar disorder, as my temper flare-ups usually come and go in cycles. Unusually for bipolar, my temper flares more when I'm depressed than when I'm manic. Being on a mood stabilizer (such as Prozac) helps me with that, but I suppose it's not a good thing to say that I have been without my medication for over six months.
I am not a heavy abuse case. Any and all of the abuse I remember is emotional, both from my father (who treated me like crap and completely scorned my sister) and from my mother's entire family (who are, essentially the most passive-aggressive people you will ever meet). Nobody significantly older than me beat me, nobody sexually abused me. I am afraid, though, given my temper flare-ups and statements from my mother that my father had similar issues (I don't remember much of him, to be honest) that I will be a terrible parent. I have to fight with this fear every day, and it is especially strong lately now that my daughter is in a particularly disobedient/naughty phase.
Another factor into my misanthropy is that my temper flare-ups, combined with a complete incapability to effectively fight, turned me into a textbook case of bullying throughout all three tiers of school. I was, effectively, an easy mark. I still am. I distinctly recall more than one occasion where I was pummeled by a classmate, and I was the one who got in trouble with the faculty for "instigating fights", even in situations where multiple witnesses had seen that I had done nothing wrong and in fact never made the first move. Even when I did strike first, such events were so retardedly one-sided that I certainly was never seen as a loose cannon that could blow at any moment, but as a delightful diversion who would flail like a muppet if you upset him enough.
A question that came up a lot when I first started dating her -- is my fianceé using me? I honestly can't tell. If she is, she is doing a terrible job at it, as most of her 'manipulation' relies on convincing me to go with impulses, which in turn are very bad ideas, not just for my sake, but for her and our daughter as well. I will admit, DeAnna is incredibly irresponsible with money, and refuses to see logic when I talk to her about it. It's entirely possible that to her, I'm just a gigantic, overhorny buzzkill. Sadly, love doesn't always follow logic, and I love her despite the fact that, if I ever become completely financially ruined, I will have her at least in part to blame for it.
I'm not certain of it, but I think I have a crippling fear - something borderlining on phobia - of failure. I can think of no other reason that I am so stressed in even low-expectation jobs, nor any other reason as to why I'm so goddamned afraid to fill out applications and actually look for work. Yeah, I come up with excuses, but ultimately, it's me trying to hide as long as I can, just to avoid being told 'no'. In addition, I apologize for just about everything... there's this voice in the back of my head that tells me if something is wrong, it is because I haven't apologized enough. I wish I could shut that voice up.
I think I also have a phobia of driving a car. Even sitting in the driver's seat of a parked car fills me with a gut-wrenching uneasiness, a feeling like I just don't belong there. I had recurring nightmares well into my teens of getting behind the wheel of a parked car and it somehow starting up on its own and careening uncontrollably to lord knows where. If it wasn't obvious, I don't have a driver's license, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get one. This is a constant source of frustration, considering how many jobs require a driver's license -- hell, I was refused for a MAINTENANCE position because they wanted a DRIVER'S LICENSE in order to TEACH ME HOW TO OPERATE A ZAMBONI. Ugh.
I am male, through and through - I've never felt like I've been trapped in the "wrong gender" like some people, though at times there are traits I take on that make me wonder if I would have been better off as a girl. I'm not swishy, I'm not flaming, but my tastes and opinions DO seem to end up rather... girly on a regular basis. I mean, hell. I said many paragraphs ago that I fandom RP. That's a niche that's about 95% populated with the fangirls on the internet. Most of them like yaoi.
I do not like yaoi. Even when I'm roleplaying online as a female, I am entirely heterosexual. I feel that relationships consisting of one lady and one guy are the most 'correct'. Futanari/pre-op transgenders/shemales confuse and arouse me, full on hermaphrodites just unsettle me. Despite being heterosexual in mindset, I'm most certainly bisexual in preference, albeit with a heavy female bias. I have gone down on another guy before, and rather enjoyed it, but I don't think I could do the whole sodomy thing. Part of the reason I can get into giving that sort of thing to a guy is because I can mentally 'shift gears' like that and think like a woman. I don't think, were I somehow trapped in a woman's body, I would mind all that much... if I could get past the normal male instinct of spending all the time constantly fondling myself.
God damn. It's 6:37 in the morning and I have just spent the past forty-five minutes rambling about fandom, my fucked up childhood, and sucking dick. I don't know if this helped me, but at least I feel like I said it, so it's not all bottled inside.
I think I need sleep, bad.