Here we go again....
ok so everytime i feel like im finally getting a good grip on things.....i slip again....
i started again...like the idiot that i am.......lol
i just don't understand how a person can be so openly cruel to someone they are supposed to love....he can be a dick to me all he wants .....but after all he's put my brother thru.....why can't he just do him this one favor....one little thing that will only take moments from his life....
i've never hated anyone as much as i hate him.........i don't hate anyone actually....just him.....around him ...i question my sanity....i find myself having horrible thoughts....but b/c i can't act on them.........i started up again...
have u ever tried taking a shower cuz u feel like shit......but for some reason u couldn't shake it off....couldn't clean urself of it no matter how hard u scrub....it's the kind of shit u can't talk about to others cuz it's pointless....ur thoughts are so vile and distorted....u feel like ur breaking down completely.......how could anyone possibly understand....u barely understand ur own thoughts....but they are nice to think about at times like these....i sometimes catch myself shaking whilst thinking about it.....
how could she just sit there.........she just lets it happen....i can tell she hates it...i can tell it hurts her.....but she wont open her mouth....and if i do....i'll let too much out...u see i know more about him than he knows......but i made a promise that i wouldn't tell.....lol if u only knew u son of a bitch.........i could kill u with what i know.......but i will say this.........ur bitch mother deserved it..all of it....and more...
why didn't she take u with her............or at least have done one decent thing in her life and killed u when u were born....ur poison....u both are....u all are u and ur disgusting family.....ur not gunna get me.....u've completely defiled my mother....but ur not gunna get me i promise.....once ur dead i WILL disappear.....unfortunately i can only do that after ur dead....to spare mom.......why should i spare her from anything.......
the only thing keeping me calm is this really good song im listening to...if u wanna hear it ...it's on my space profile....it's by A Perfect Circle -Pet ...i'll put the lyrics on here when im done.....it's so appropriate for some reason.....know what a real shitty feeling is......feeling like ur so far from help...or so far from being fine again......wanting it...but not being able to have it..no matter how hard u try to "pay no mind to the rabble"...
i always bitch about...not being able to find a good guy....or how good guys never like me....or how the ones i like don't like me back.........none of that's true is the funny part.....i recently discovered that....lol....they aren't the problem...i am.........
i will find everything and anyhing to make them seem horrible .....any little thing to make them repulsive.....except for one guy......i've found one man who i wasn't repulsed by......he seemed perfectly ok.....here's the funny part tho......he's already with someone.....of course he was fine.....of course i didn't make it so that he was disgusting to me....he is already with someone.....there is no need to protect myself by doing any of those things....funny right..... maybe not
how don't know how to fix myself.....when i find out a guy likes me i run away from him ....find something wrong with him.....unless he's already taken...in which case i don't have to ...cuz then i know he wont make a move......lol
omg and the guy who is taken right....i used to run from him when i didn't know tht he was with someone.....but as soon as i found out.....i was fine.....lmao
there is something seriously wrong with me.....and it has to do with my asshole of a father..........b/c of what he did to my mom..........
now i have commitment problems and intimacy problems...how am i supposed to find a guy who will be able to understand all this....a guy who is strong enough to take me on....maybe beat some sense into me(not literally) i just need someone to shake me up and tell me ....stop it!!!!!!!!! this is not ok.....how will i ever find this guy if i don't even liked to be touched........i mean i do.....but i have to know it's coming....this is really scary......im fine on the outside....u know the way i look....my hair is combed make up done.....so i look fine.....but on the inside im ugly ,disgusting and torn to shit........ i feel so ugly....so brain dead and helpless....
anywayz here are the lyrics to A Perfect Circle - Pet
(if u wanna hear it ..it's on my profile on my space..http://profiles.myspace.com/users/12726155)
A Perfect Circle - Pet
Don't fret precious I'm here, step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do, like I do
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do.
Just stay with me, safe and ignorant,
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Count the bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from
A will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and your choices son
They're one in the same
I must isolate you
Isolate and save you from yourself
Swayin to the rhythm of the new world order and
Count the bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums
The boogeymen are coming
The boogeymen are coming
Keep your head down, go to sleep, to the rhythm of a war drums
Stay with me
Safe and ignorant
Just stay with me
Hold you and protect you from the other ones
The evil ones
Don't love you son,
Go back to sleep
i started again...like the idiot that i am.......lol
i just don't understand how a person can be so openly cruel to someone they are supposed to love....he can be a dick to me all he wants .....but after all he's put my brother thru.....why can't he just do him this one favor....one little thing that will only take moments from his life....
i've never hated anyone as much as i hate him.........i don't hate anyone actually....just him.....around him ...i question my sanity....i find myself having horrible thoughts....but b/c i can't act on them.........i started up again...
have u ever tried taking a shower cuz u feel like shit......but for some reason u couldn't shake it off....couldn't clean urself of it no matter how hard u scrub....it's the kind of shit u can't talk about to others cuz it's pointless....ur thoughts are so vile and distorted....u feel like ur breaking down completely.......how could anyone possibly understand....u barely understand ur own thoughts....but they are nice to think about at times like these....i sometimes catch myself shaking whilst thinking about it.....
how could she just sit there.........she just lets it happen....i can tell she hates it...i can tell it hurts her.....but she wont open her mouth....and if i do....i'll let too much out...u see i know more about him than he knows......but i made a promise that i wouldn't tell.....lol if u only knew u son of a bitch.........i could kill u with what i know.......but i will say this.........ur bitch mother deserved it..all of it....and more...
why didn't she take u with her............or at least have done one decent thing in her life and killed u when u were born....ur poison....u both are....u all are u and ur disgusting family.....ur not gunna get me.....u've completely defiled my mother....but ur not gunna get me i promise.....once ur dead i WILL disappear.....unfortunately i can only do that after ur dead....to spare mom.......why should i spare her from anything.......
the only thing keeping me calm is this really good song im listening to...if u wanna hear it ...it's on my space profile....it's by A Perfect Circle -Pet ...i'll put the lyrics on here when im done.....it's so appropriate for some reason.....know what a real shitty feeling is......feeling like ur so far from help...or so far from being fine again......wanting it...but not being able to have it..no matter how hard u try to "pay no mind to the rabble"...
i always bitch about...not being able to find a good guy....or how good guys never like me....or how the ones i like don't like me back.........none of that's true is the funny part.....i recently discovered that....lol....they aren't the problem...i am.........
i will find everything and anyhing to make them seem horrible .....any little thing to make them repulsive.....except for one guy......i've found one man who i wasn't repulsed by......he seemed perfectly ok.....here's the funny part tho......he's already with someone.....of course he was fine.....of course i didn't make it so that he was disgusting to me....he is already with someone.....there is no need to protect myself by doing any of those things....funny right..... maybe not
how don't know how to fix myself.....when i find out a guy likes me i run away from him ....find something wrong with him.....unless he's already taken...in which case i don't have to ...cuz then i know he wont make a move......lol
omg and the guy who is taken right....i used to run from him when i didn't know tht he was with someone.....but as soon as i found out.....i was fine.....lmao
there is something seriously wrong with me.....and it has to do with my asshole of a father..........b/c of what he did to my mom..........
now i have commitment problems and intimacy problems...how am i supposed to find a guy who will be able to understand all this....a guy who is strong enough to take me on....maybe beat some sense into me(not literally) i just need someone to shake me up and tell me ....stop it!!!!!!!!! this is not ok.....how will i ever find this guy if i don't even liked to be touched........i mean i do.....but i have to know it's coming....this is really scary......im fine on the outside....u know the way i look....my hair is combed make up done.....so i look fine.....but on the inside im ugly ,disgusting and torn to shit........ i feel so ugly....so brain dead and helpless....
anywayz here are the lyrics to A Perfect Circle - Pet
(if u wanna hear it ..it's on my profile on my space..http://profiles.myspace.com/users/12726155)
A Perfect Circle - Pet
Don't fret precious I'm here, step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do, like I do
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do.
Just stay with me, safe and ignorant,
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Count the bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war drums
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from
A will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and your choices son
They're one in the same
I must isolate you
Isolate and save you from yourself
Swayin to the rhythm of the new world order and
Count the bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums
The boogeymen are coming
The boogeymen are coming
Keep your head down, go to sleep, to the rhythm of a war drums
Stay with me
Safe and ignorant
Just stay with me
Hold you and protect you from the other ones
The evil ones
Don't love you son,
Go back to sleep