Goodbye Ceanna Rose
Shujan’s Ceanna Rose, OAP, AJP, OFP
3/18/2004-7/16/2015
Today I said goodbye to my big sweet scared girl Ceanna Rose. She was only 11 and a few months but she’d aged fast this last year. People often commented on how good she looked and it was true, she was still lovely to behold with nary a grey hair. She still enjoyed greeting her friends at the Sunday morning dog gathering and she always enjoyed a good meal. But I had been saying goodbye to her for a long time.
My relationship with Ceanna had been a difficult one. I never felt the unequivocal to the depth of my soul aching love I felt for my heart dog. At times I wished I could find a family that would love her and let her be a 70 pound lap dog but Ceanna was challenging and there was no option for rehoming her. I did the best I could to give her a good life but of course now I wonder if I did enough. Could I have loved her more?
Three-year-old Ceanna
For many months her back legs had been getting more unstable. The muscles in those legs made strong from agility had atrophied. Her orthopedic issues had caught up with her. Her toes turned in and she tripped herself. She started to fall and each one was like a betrayal. Ceanna looked surprised her body wasn’t working. The world was always scary to her but she’d started having what I could only describe as panic attacks. For no reason I could discern she would suddenly start panting and would cling to me but nothing would soothe her. There were signs of dementia as she got stuck staring at something or when she waited immobile in a room and didn’t seem to know what to do. With my vet’s help we treated what we could but the deterioration continued. I consulted another vet who specializes in caring for elderly dogs and end of life choices. Although I made a decision, I remained uncertain. Was it too soon?
"Jumping makes her heart sing." ~ K. Monje
Ceanna had good days along with the falls and panic. I agonized. Then she told me what I needed. On her last Sunday morning dog gathering she had a hard time just getting home. I wondered how I would carry a 70 pound dog. When we got home she fell on the carpet and couldn’t get up. While I came to help her I watched her whimper as she dragged herself along the ground. I got her to her bed where she panted until she fell asleep. Years ago, when I struggled with end of life decisions for my heart dog, my vet had told me we owed our dogs two things: a good life and a good death. I didn’t want Ceanna to be scared anymore or for me to have to make a decision in an emergency. She would have been terrified to go to a scary vet’s office. So this morning we had a last walk to the park where we sat in the sun. I rubbed her ears and fed her cheese which was a nice dessert after the steak she had for breakfast. As we left the park, she spied some squirrels and had delusions of grandeur. I left her go after them but they were long gone before she got very far. Then we went home. My dear friend came for support, the vet arrived, I said goodbye and Ceanna left the world peacefully and comfortably. Another friend who knew my girl’s quirky self said she’d think of Ceanna frolicking in a big field without doorways, frozen turkeys or blowing leaves to scare her. I like to think of her that way too.
Ceanna on the couch. July, 2015.
Goodbye Ceanna Rose. You’ll never have to get your nails cut or go to the vet again.